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If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? - Family (7) - Nairaland

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Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Ochek: 12:51pm On Mar 14, 2015
Rose2014:


So because another lady might move in, she should stay in an abusive marriage and get killed so u can happily type RIP ba? Ife emee!

Am sure u didn't read about the domestic abuse.smh
By their advise, u shall surely fish them out one by one cheesy cheesy

Hallo dear, you probably have got the whole gist wrong. The domestic violence goes way way far behind than this situation at hand. The current circumstance has nothing to do with assault of any kind (presently). The mega issue to be x-rayed is the togetherness of man and wife.
Mind you, no relationship comes 100% flawless. We grow in it and work out the differences. That ma dear makes our relationship a better one. Go ask couples who have stayed over 25years in marriage and I am sure you would learn more. the case of domestic violence mentioned was only a thing of the past and seems the couple in question must have grown past it by now.
My advice still stands. WOMAN! GO BACK TO THY HUSBAND. He still loves you as much as you do him.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Hotstew(m): 12:51pm On Mar 14, 2015
Rose2014:

I'll encourage my daughter(s) to stay in their marriages as long as domestic violence is not involved.
Good thing u said ur dad never beat ur mom, yet she felt like leaving at some points. Now imagine u putting the blame on an abused woman cos she's with mommy for safety. Ur next blame is on the mother for welcoming her child. Are you for real?

My question to u is this:
Will u allow ur daughter(s) to stay with a man that physically abuses them just because they're married and should never come to ur house again?
Even if u will sha, me I won't agree
Mothers understand the pain of childbirth so much to allow any child die in another man's hand all in d name of marriage. Haba!! Now I see why more people (men n women)are getting killed in their marriages cos of what people like u would say.

Divorce is the last option but no one should place their life at risk. Protecting what?
That's suicide in disguise na.
Except u think suicide is better than divorce, I won't be surprised cheesy

from the story, the mq
an didnt send his wife packing. She moved out on her own or according to her mothers instuction.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Rose2014: 12:52pm On Mar 14, 2015
allcomage:

This your abuse is becoming irritating. Have we heard from the guy?from op report,we don't know if it was that once he hit her or has he been beating her? She came home very late may be against repeated warnings. Some facts are missing. He hit her and the mil called police and social welfare etc. The woman was hasty in that decision. If I were the mother ,I would not have done that,nothing to show her life was endangered.marriage is a serious business. Some times giving issues time helps to solve problems especially in marriage and relationship. Okay now,the overwhelming majority feel the lady acted wrongly by going with the kids,and from all indications she still loves him but dancing to her mother tunes.She should be matured and go back before it is late. Married women shouldn't tell their people every minor issue especially when there is frosty relationship between inlaws. Even that dinner they wanted him so much to be part of is not the right place for reconciliation. I am against abuse in all ramifications but one or two slip ups can be pardoned.
For me It doesn't matter how many support or oppose to anything on nl. For all u know Some say what they won't do if they were put in the op's shoes

Anyway according to rokiatu's update later, d man has beaten her twice already and even keeping girlfriend
I'm a fan of 'no divorce' but once violence comes in, whether man or woman should pick race to the nearest shelter. Life has no spare
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by kekeolu(f): 12:53pm On Mar 14, 2015
I am of d opinion that the man does not care for his immediate family. If he does he would have sought after his wife and children. I think all he was after was his papers which he's gotten. A violent and abusive marriage does none of the parties any good. Any man/woman who truly loves his/her partnerwill not abuse him/ her in any form.

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Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Rose2014: 12:55pm On Mar 14, 2015
Ochek:


Hallo dear, you probably have got the whole gist wrong. The domestic violence goes way way far behind than this situation at hand. The current circumstance has nothing to do with assault of any kind (presently). The mega issue to be x-rayed is the togetherness of man and wife.
Mind you, no relationship comes 100% flawless. We grow in it and work out the differences. That ma dear makes our relationship a better one. Go ask couples who have stayed over 25years in marriage and I am sure you would learn more. the case of domestic violence mentioned was only a thing of the past and seems the couple in question must have grown past it by now.
My advice still stands. WOMAN! GO BACK TO THY HUSBAND. He still loves you as much as you do him.
Maybe u need to follow rokiatu's comments
Once a woman beater is always a woman beater.The man has beaten her twice already.
So u want him to kill her before she runs.

Women are becoming wiser these days, u leave an abuser when he least expects so he doesn't suspect ur moves n kill u

1 Like

Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Rose2014: 12:58pm On Mar 14, 2015
Hotstew:


from the story, the mq
an didnt send his wife packing. She moved out on her own or according to her mothers instuction.
U r the one thinking she moved out on her own
These days, some battered women are learning to leave silently without a word when d issue has died down
That's because if an abuser gets a hint u're leaving, they murder u
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Bigsteveg(m): 1:00pm On Mar 14, 2015
Rose2014:

Did u just type this. So the blame is on the abused woman and her mother D mother should watch her daughter get killed abi? So u can come n read the tragic ending and type RIP

You go fear advice na cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy

I blame the lady for not reading the handwriting on the wall. She should've followed her mom's advise n send his sorry ass back to Africa. She's bn pitying him all along yet he even has the mind to raise his hand on her. Imagine the guts!!

That's what u get get if a lady helps u, if the reverse was d case would u have told the husband to throw the wife assss back to 9ja.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:03pm On Mar 14, 2015
EbolaParasite:


Ingrate because she brought him to yankee? So because of that he should become a slave? Mother inlaw needs to stay in her foorking home and stop meddling in another mans business. I bet they keep singing everyday about how they brought him to america. If the daughter was all that, another suitor would have proposed to her right here in Yankee. This stupid mentality that someone owes you because you brought them over has to stop. The only person being disrespected is the man. Why the hell is the wifes brother calling him? Why are they so into his business? This is what happens when inlaws think they did someone a favour and need to be all up in his business. Leave the man alone. If he beat her, shey the girl no sabi call 911 by herself. I freaking hate nosey inlaws.
I didn't say the man owes them for bringing him there. Whether they brought him there or not what he did is not right at all!! So, you mean beating a wife up is cool? That you're married doesn't mean the people that brought you into this world and the family you grew up with are no longer part of your life. It doesn't mean they can/should no longer look out for your wellbeing.

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Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Ochek: 1:06pm On Mar 14, 2015
Rose2014:

Maybe u need to follow rokiatu's comments
Once a woman beater is always a woman beater.The man has beaten her twice already.
So u want him to kill her before she runs.

Women are becoming wiser these days, u leave an abuser when he least expects so he doesn't suspect ur moves n kill u

When was the last time he did beat her? Mind you, the thread by the OP only gave us a Lil background about them however, the domestic violence was not related to the "why" she is away @mama's house.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by EbolaParasite: 1:08pm On Mar 14, 2015
AgapeCharis:
I didn't say the man owes them for bringing him there. Whether they brought him there or not what he did is not right at all!! So, you mean beating a wife up is cool? That you're married doesn't mean the people that brought you into this world and the family you grew up with are no longer part of your life. It doesn't mean they can/should no longer look out for your wellbeing.
Agreed but they also need to know their bounds. I am not supporting wife beating. Just saying in-laws should know their bounds

1 Like

Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:11pm On Mar 14, 2015
A single guy with hardly any experience here, but if I were to be in her shoes, I'd get back to my husband's house, the squabble all started from there, that should be the first move towards sorting it out. The husband seems irresponsible, I know those kind of men, but she doesn't have to let the kids grow up in a broken home, as far I understand from the story, the abuse was a one time thing. The issue with the mother is to be approached gently, might take a while too,
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:11pm On Mar 14, 2015
MrMandilas:
You are concluding and condenming a man whon u don't know and have not heard his own part of the story. It is bad how we judge others when it comes to marital issues. I an a man and i can tell u that the man in question is not head high. The mother inlaw is the problem. It did not start with the visitation and late coming. The genesis is not yet told. @rokiatu, beg ur friend to tell the story from the begining. And when that is done, everyone will see why the man is like that. U can't help a man and use him as a house boy and forgeting the fact the he is ur inlaw.
How is the mother inlaw the problem? Because she called the police on him when the man beat her daughter up and injured her 7 month old grandchild? No matter where the story started from, whether or not they brought him there, such arrogant behaviour towards a mother inlaw is uncalled for. Beating up a woman you claim to love at every silly opportunity beats me hollow! You beat ur wife up to the extent of injuring your own 7 months old baby just because she went to visit her mum and came back late!! Haba!! Nnaa een....

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Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by kandiikane(m): 1:13pm On Mar 14, 2015
EbolaParasite:

Have you heard the mans side? Women make up all sorts of stories in order to play victim juh. The main problem here is that they probably rub it into his face everyday that they brought him to America. It happens all the time. The wife will eventually get what she is asking for which is become a single mother. Maybe when that happens, her mother can become her husband

I don't need to hear the man's side, there is no excuse that can justify a cheat's actions. Whether he is brought into American or not I don't care, the man is wrong end off.

MrMandilas:
U are wrong bro. What kind of respect are u talking about. Doing whatever ur inlaws asked u to do is not respect. Taking whatever they say happens to ur marriage is not respect it is slavery in marriage bro. My father inlaw is a military man. We don't agree at all. He alway wants her daughter to answer his calls b/4 mine. And i made him understand that she may be his daughter, but now my wife, and that should be respected.

Who is saying respect is doing what your inlaw asks you to do? His behaviour is disrespectful towards the wife and family, not what he was asked to say or do. When you get married you take your inlaws like your parents and give them the same level of respect you would your parents unless of course you have no respect for your parents. You can still respect your parents and have disagreements. If a man cannot show an ounce of respect for the inlaws how much more the wife, it is the same disrespect that caused him to cheat and beat the wife injuring their baby.

Even if he disliked the mother, that is not the way to go about it, you act civil since she is the mother of your wife, not act like a goat about the whole thing. I can only imagine the tantrum he was throwing about how he didn't like the mum so he won't go to the family dinner. What a little bytch! The wife should call the mum anytime the husband beats hers because it seems the mum is the husband's kryptonite.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:14pm On Mar 14, 2015
EbolaParasite:

Agreed but they also need to know their bounds. I am not supporting wife beating. Just saying in-laws should know their bounds
I don't think the mother inlaw wasn out of her bounds by protecting her daughter. She even tried to make things smoothen up between them by inviting him over for dinner yet he refused. The guy knows what he's doing.

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Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by emelia: 1:18pm On Mar 14, 2015
This is marriage that has two kids dat we are talking about here..the lady should run back to her husband and see how things will be sorted out.she cannot force her husband to love her mum or come to her mother's place.both parties shud learn to compromise and time will definitely sort things out.honestly the mother in law is not acting well..so she wants to trade her dautas marriage for her pride/dignity.?those two kids shud be considered and evrything to make that marriage work should be of utmost importance.

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Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:21pm On Mar 14, 2015
kandiikane:


I just saw the post. This was why I said it was difficult as I did not know how the husband behaves. So he is a cheat and a beater and she is still there. Rokiatu I know you do not want to be the one to tell her to leave but you can advice her in that direction. I mean what if in the near future he beats her and actually seriously injures the kids this time?(I won't add her to the injured because she still stayed after two beatings so it's her cross to bear) Or bring some disease to her, if not hiv, hpv which could later develop into cancer. This is what I meant on that other thread, the signs are always there yet we turn a blind eye to for love. If everything ends bad for her, she has no one to blame but herself. Rokiatu advice her oo towards a life where she won't be battered in front of her kids and cheated on. She will get over the love and even wonder why she loved him in the first place.
Yes you are right but it's so hard especially if you are a friend. She may think I just want to break her home. When he beat her for the second time, I advice her to take action but she did nothing. She always goes back to him and he has numerous gfs and she knows but she's still tolerating it.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:23pm On Mar 14, 2015
Rose2014:

I guess U rushed to comment without reading the next few posts where op mentioned her husband beat her abi? Ok na

Pls understand this, i dont in any way support physical abuse, but telling the wife to send his sorry ass back to Africa, you make it sound as if the man was languishing in poverty before the wife and mother called him, 'hey, why dont you leave that God-forsaken Continent and come over here before you die of poverty'. Fact is, it was a mutual agreement between them both, they are married for Jesus' sake. If the marraige is troubled, i would advice them to try and work it out, not tell anybody to play God.

Green card or not, they were all Nigerians first.

1 Like

Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Ochek: 1:25pm On Mar 14, 2015
Funny how some gals are up here ranting all about this case and wouldn't want to reason in a bit only cos he did beat her - say twice.
If this was the guys mum hating on the wife, this same gals would be the ones screaming mother in law are this and that. I have even heard some gals say they wish their husband to be mum (mother in law) is late. Can you beat that? I wonder if they would be happy to hear their own daughter in law make such a statement of them.
Miss Rose has been up predicting the end. Lemme assume the following ensured in the marriage. The wife and mother in law repeatedly reminded him how they dragged his sorry ass up to the states and that shit.
Look her lady, you want to see the best in your man? Treat him like a king and you will be glad you did.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by kandiikane(m): 1:28pm On Mar 14, 2015
rokiatu:
Yes you are right but it's so hard especially if you are a friend. She may think I just want to break her home. When he beat her for the second time, I advice her to take action but she did nothing. She always goes back to him and he has numerous gfs and she knows but she's still tolerating it.

Hm, I guess then she should be left to carry on bearing her cross.

If this is the first time she left home, it probably will take her 6 more times before she acknowledges that the man is not good for her, that's if he hasn't left already.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by MrMandilas: 1:28pm On Mar 14, 2015
kandiikane:


I don't need to hear the man's side, there is no excuse that can justify a cheat's actions. Whether he is brought into American or not I don't care, the man is wrong end off.



Who is saying respect is doing what your inlaw asks you to do? His behaviour is disrespectful towards the wife and family, not what he was asked to say or do. When you get married you take your inlaws like your parents and give them the same level of respect you would your parents unless of course you have no respect for your parents. You can still respect your parents and have disagreements. If a man cannot show an ounce of respect for the inlaws how much more the wife, it is the same disrespect that caused him to cheat and beat the wife injuring their baby.

Even if he disliked the mother, that is not the way to go about it, you act civil since she is the mother of your wife, not act like a goat about the whole thing. I can only imagine the tantrum he was throwing about how he didn't like the mum so he won't go to the family dinner. What a little bytch! The wife should call the mum anytime the husband beats hers because it seems the mum is the husband's kryptonite.
U are speaking as if u live in the same house with them. When did it become a law in marriage that u must dine with ur inlaws to because they said so. Karma is waiting.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:31pm On Mar 14, 2015
[quowaiting uthor=rokiatu post=31609267] Yes you are right but it's so hard especially if you are a friend. She may think I just want to break her home. When he beat her for the second time, I advice her to take action but she did nothing. She always goes back to him and he has numerous gfs and she knows but she's still tolerating it. [/quote]



I'm waiting sad
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by kandiikane(m): 1:32pm On Mar 14, 2015
MrMandilas:
U are speaking as if u live in the same house with them. When did it become a law in marriage that u must dine with ur inlaws to because they said so. Karma is waiting.

you keep on mentioning "because your inlaws said so, ask you to do so," what has said so got to do with behaving like a goat? I don't need to live in their house, everything needed is on this thread.


Abeg, I have made my point, good day

1 Like

Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by EbolaParasite: 1:32pm On Mar 14, 2015
AgapeCharis:
I don't think the mother inlaw wasn out of her bounds by protecting her daughter. She even tried to make things smoothen up between them by inviting him over for dinner yet he refused. The guy knows what he's doing.

You act like you don't know Nigerian families. They are way out of their bounds. In-laws usually do this when they feel their side of the family is more influential. Aaking him to come to dinner so he can feel like an outcast? They probably say shit about him all day long. If the guy was from a rich or influential family they wouldnt do this. A good mother inlaw will talk with the guys parents and they will come up with a peaceful solution together. Why didnt they go to the guys parents? If they are in naija, telephone abi rebtel don finish?
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by EbolaParasite: 1:36pm On Mar 14, 2015
rokiatu:
Yes you are right but it's so hard especially if you are a friend. She may think I just want to break her home. When he beat her for the second time, I advice her to take action but she did nothing. She always goes back to him and he has numerous gfs and she knows but she's still tolerating it.
First mistake she made was asking friends for advice. The only advice she needs is to call the authorities. Domestic violence is a no no.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by EbolaParasite: 1:38pm On Mar 14, 2015
kandiikane:


I don't need to hear the man's side, there is no excuse that can justify a cheat's actions. Whether he is brought into American or not I don't care, the man is wrong end off.



Who is saying respect is doing what your inlaw asks you to do? His behaviour is disrespectful towards the wife and family, not what he was asked to say or do. When you get married you take your inlaws like your parents and give them the same level of respect you would your parents unless of course you have no respect for your parents. You can still respect your parents and have disagreements. If a man cannot show an ounce of respect for the inlaws how much more the wife, it is the same disrespect that caused him to cheat and beat the wife injuring their baby.

Even if he disliked the mother, that is not the way to go about it, you act civil since she is the mother of your wife, not act like a goat about the whole thing. I can only imagine the tantrum he was throwing about how he didn't like the mum so he won't go to the family dinner. What a little bytch! The wife should call the mum anytime the husband beats hers because it seems the mum is the husband's kryptonite.

Bet you will feel differently if it was the guys mother doing this to the wife?
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by rattlesnake(m): 1:45pm On Mar 14, 2015
rokiatu:
Please note this is not about me but someone very close. I need only serious advice please, if you have nothing better to say keep off.

There's someone very very dear to me that this is happening this to right now. And the lady in question is so confuse as to what step to take. This is how the story goes,her mother was having a family dinner and invite both she and her husband but the husband refused to go. Keep in mind that the husband don't love her mother at all. She have tried everything for him to love her mom to no avail. So this time she decided to take a step just to teach him a little lesson. After the family dinner, she decided to pack some of her clothes and take her two little girls and went over to her mom. She explained everything to her mother, and the mother didn't call her son in law either because of anger, so her elder brother decided to call him and talk to him about the whole situation. But he already decided he's never stepping to his mother in law house, never! And the wife may as well stay there because he ain't going for her, and he's not apologizing to the mother either, he don't like her and he's never putting foot to her house.



To cut long story short, the lady is now in a dilemma. To go back or not? He disrespected the family so now the decision is on her shoulders to make. They want nothing to do with it. She loves him, and they have two little kids together. The marriage is barely four years. They were high school sweethearts in Africa, the lady worked her butt off to bring him over, and now that he's settled and got all his papers he's acting like this. Her world is like crushing down.

Which bring me to the question, if you were the lady in question, what would you do?
ur grammar and use of cohesive devices is horrible....please spend more time on ur books than ur boobs
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by MrMandilas: 1:46pm On Mar 14, 2015
kandiikane:


you keep on mentioning "because your inlaws said so, ask you to do so," what has said so got to do with behaving like a goat? I don't need to live in their house, everything needed is on this thread.


Abeg, I have made my point, good day
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Dlionsheart: 2:08pm On Mar 14, 2015
kekeolu:
I am of d opinion that the man does not care for his immediate family. If he does he would have sought after his wife and children. I think all he was after was his papers which he's gotten. A violent and abusive marriage does none of the parties any good. Any man/woman who truly loves his/her partnerwill not abuse him/ her in any form.

Big sis, I don't think so. Remember, she did not leave the house because she was abuse by her husband or for the fear of it. This has already been settled. This time around, her fictitious reason is that he refused to attend dinner organized by her mother bla bla bla bla bla bla.............. You see, a man will always want to be a man no matter the circumstances surrounding him. His ego feels threatened by the woman's action.

The wiring of women is completely different from that of the men. Men based their actions/inactions, judgment and reaction on facts (logic) while women based theirs on emotions. Women think intuitively while men think logically. I think that's the case here.

Reacting emotionally or intuitively to her husband refusal, she expect her husband to continue the emotional game of begging her/her mother by packing out of the house, unfortunately, the man could not reconcile packing out of the house and not attending dinner. They are completely two different things. To the man, she packed out for no logical reason. that's a fact and he's not ready to play that emotionally game with her.

The way forward:
the man should drop or reduce his pride or ego and a bit of the African culture, understand the feminity of his spouse, put his children in consideration and act accordingly.

As for the woman, pls understand the muscularity of your spouse, know he is an African (and may be tempted to act the African way sometimes), know that you're married to him and not to your family, hence, their involvement in your family affairs should be minimal (not domineering or coercive), imbibe biblical principles of marriage - know that you can not win all the argument all the times.

GOD BLESS!!!

1 Like

Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by coderXO(m): 2:08pm On Mar 14, 2015
Obviously there is abuse in the story so it is a bit different, and it's tricky.

And they are overseas is another matter.

No woman/man should tolerate maltreatment.

Cheating is the least tolerable.

Abuse is once, and never EVER again.

Frankly he sounds like a deadbeat but she obviously loves her husband.

She should go home with stipulations of what she expects of him.

Should anything go wrong one more time, she better leave him for good.


The mother-in-law relationship needn't be perfect but the man in question if he has an of inkling of sense in his head will repair it gradually and make peace.

Life is simple folks, don't make things hard for yourselves.

We make mistakes, we take correction, say sorry and move on.

Simples.

Peace.

2 Likes

Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by Reaper231(m): 2:08pm On Mar 14, 2015
I see wats up. Mother-in-law maybe thinking she's white and forming boss. Issues like this, there r usually tiny elements we dnt get to knw. Maybe cos d guy was poor d woman was bossing over him and never wntd her daughter to marry him so d guy has a bruised ego. Secondly, to me d mother-in-law even sounds controlling and domineering.
As for d guy, he shld knw he's no longer in Africa. He shld drop some of d pride and cement things wit d woman(unless d 2 of them hv been sexually involved sha)
As for the wife, yu r no longer married to ur family. Ur husband and kids are take priority now over ur controlling mom that will even support her daughter moving bck wit d kids simply cos hubby refuses to visit yur mum.
African marriage is a union of both families. Bt it isn't by force to like a particular member of d family. Personally I never yield when I'm coerced into doing something I don't want to do.
Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by postmann: 2:09pm On Mar 14, 2015
The husband had the exclusive right whether to attend or not to attend the mother-in-law's dinner. And the wife had no moral right to try to retaliate or punish the husband. But she did it in a rather foolish and farreaching way by staying put with the kids. If a man did this, he would be called controlling. But it is clear the woman is sturborn and trying to force her husband into something he's not ready for. And she most probably got it from her meddling mother who obviously hasnt accepted or recorgnize this man as her daughter's husband. Hence the man is holding unto his ego tightly. He should hang in there against a foolish wife and meddling, egoistic motherinlaw. Though he shouldnt lay his hand on his wife again.
And he should watch his wife's loyalty closely. She gives a worried sign like one who is halfly married to her husband and halfly married to her own family. Such women could be traitors with divided loyalty.

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Re: If This Was Your Husband What Would You Do? by coderXO(m): 2:11pm On Mar 14, 2015
rattlesnake:
ur grammar and use of cohesive devices is horrible....please spend more time on ur books than ur boobs

Chill out, we aint in school.

1 Like

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