EfemenaXY:


No she is not.

Not when she and her husband are on the same frequency and everything they have is shared / joint, including finances. Sometimes, the SAHM has even more financial freedom than the man himself, especially if she's in charge of running the family's accounts.

Mind you, this takes a lot of trust from both ends, and I'm sure you know that trust is earned.

Hi ma'am,

I see a SAHM as someone who does nothing else (no schooling, business, etc. etc.)

bukatyne:


We are all still going back to the same point

None of the SAHM's so far have said they depend solely on their husbands; they are working from home while having more time for their family

Point is that they are still working or doing something; whether in or out of the home.

And please, not everyone who doesn't do a 9 - 5 job is a stay at home mother/father (Abi we have a lot of men who work from home)

@bold:

Should we say women should not work anymore

(Remember this includes anything that earns an income)

I think you're missing the point here, Bukky.

Deciding to become a stay-at-home-mum is a decision taken primarily to ensure that the kid(s) have the mum's full attention, whether they've started school or not. They become her number one priority before anything else.

However, despite that, does looking after a child mean you need to have your eyes on that child 60 seconds of 60 minutes of 24 hours in a day 7 days a week for the whole 365 /6 days of the year? Is that realistic? Of course not. You will have a breather every now and then. The difference here though is that some women are creative enough to use that breather to do other things. They get creative, run a biz on or offline, etc.

The bottomline here is that they work around looking after the kid(s). Take my case for example, after I had recovered enough from my C-Section and wasn't feeling the effect of post-natal blues anymore (fat chance with a bustling household)...I used my daughter's nap times to put pen to paper literally. I did this during the day (typing out my thoughts) and at night when the whole household was asleep, would get up, pull out my laptop, go downstairs to the kitchen and really do my thing. I work best when the environment is quite and boy did I get my ideas flowing. I'd start from 12midnight / 1 a.m right through to 6 a.m on weekdays or 8/9 a.m on weekends.

So yes, it is possible to be a Stay-At-Home-Mum and also run things by the side. It's just that whatever it is you're running at the side will have to be flexible so you can focus on your primary commitment - looking after your kids and household.

bukatyne:


Hi ma'am,

I see a SAHM as someone who does nothing else (no schooling, business, etc. etc.)

In other words, you mean you see SAHMs as bone-idle people?

babyosisi:


Your practical example has covered everything rose2014,my self,cococandy and other ladies have been trying to say and people think its a bashing of stay at home moms
We live in a real wold and stuff happens
Anything can happen in a marriage
I will never advise any woman I know to stay at home permanently

It may not work out
The man can lose his job
The man can become disabled and out of work
The man can die sef

A woman having her own steady source of income and being in the labor market has so many advantages
I have seen a man die and his wife and children pack to the village or get on government assistance because the woman had no work skills to sustain the family and keep a roof over their heads
Nobody prays for untoward things but life happens
Thanks for sharing

It works both ways. Especially in the west.

Sometimes one person staying back to look after the very young kids does so to enable the partner continue working as the child care cost are eliminated.

Now if the stay-at-home-mum meets her untimely death, how would the initially working man continue to work?

How would he work and foot the exhorbitant childcare bills? Then come home and continue from where he left off in the morning? How long will he survive at that rate with no help?

EfemenaXY:


Sorry this is coming a bit late but I do believe many ladies on here have thrown a lot of light on how being a Stay-at-home mum is not all doom and gloom, neither does it equate to being an open invitation for one's hubby to physically / emotionally abuse the SAHM.

And in response to your question, yes, I have had my fair share of being a Stay-at-home-mum. It was one of the best times in my life as it gave me the opportunity to not only spend time with my daughter and bond with her, but it also gave me the opportunity to indulge in a passion I've always secretly nursed but never had the time to indulge in - writing.

Yes, being a SAHM gave me that chance to write and publish my debut novel Mysterious Depths: An African Adventure.

And if I could do it all over again, I would. I've been at both ends of the spectrum - working part-time, studying for my masters, even while pregnant with my last son....and then many, many, many, years later, having the opportunity to save enough so when I went on maternity leave for over a year, I was able to effectively combine running the home, indulging in my passion, and helping my kids out with school work, etc whilst being a Stay-at-home-mum.

Life isn't all about working till you drop. You get to a point where you need to learn how to work "effectively". Work less for more, if you get what I mean.

You will pay for the late response

I am not Someone who thinks all There is to life is working till drop or being a 9 - 7 person.

The point I was trying to make is that most SAHMs used the opportunity of being at home to pursue other interests or resigned to actually pursue other interests.

See naw, you wrote a book during your one year mat leave. That's something.

Maybe I see it from my personality; I can't stay at home doing nothing apart from cleaning and caring for the kids. I stayed at home for a year plus after service and I knew I would die If I try it.

I picked up my project, my lesson note(taught during service), course notes etc. Severally. I was mentallydead and saw my life wasting away. My joy when I got a job?

And no, I was not bored because I cooked and cleaned for my family. I would with all sincerity say the meals were ready on time, the house sparkling; clothes well ironed; prayed and studied my Bible for hours; and did exercise keeping very fit. I had lots time for myself.

Did I mention I started writing a book?

However, it is not for me . Even If I am paid a Good income monthly, I must do something tangible. Might not even earn an income for me.

I will admit that This thread has helped me drill down and distinguish types of SAHMs and the types I have issues with are those who do not do anything at all or who do not have a timeline.

And If I get a part time job with same pay, off There unfortunately here There is really no part time stuff.

But again, it is our choices and What works best for us.

There is more to life than working koro koro however I believe everyone has a destiny and you sure must fulfill it. Even If it preaching around the world or helping the strays in your neighborhood; it must not earn an income.

EfemenaXY:


In other words, you mean you see SAHMs as bone-idle people?

Not bone idle but not doing anything else.

So I would not describe a writer/business woman/student/evangelist/tailor/Baker/etc. Has a SAHM.

As far as when I ask, you have an answer to give me.

I know photographers who work from home.

There is a difference between work at home and stay at home.

EfemenaXY:


It works both ways. Especially in the west.

Sometimes one person staying back to look after the very young kids does so to enable the partner continue working as the child care cost are eliminated.

Now if the stay-at-home-mum meets her untimely death, how would the initially working man continue to work?

How would he work and foot the exhorbitant childcare bills? Then come home and continue from where he left off in the morning? How long will he survive at that rate with no help?

Funny enough,it's only on Nairaland that i read that working means "rich" or i don't even know what to make of it.

I always go to Stella blog to read narratives because they are so real and it's there i really have a sense of what happen in Nigerians homes.
Some days ago,i read three ladies who have been working and they lost their jobs,yet the husband can't afford to pay for everything,and despite the fact that they were working,they couldn't save enough because each time they get payed,they end up spending most of it.
All i am saying is that having a job is not a guarantee that something cannot go wrong,life itself is a risk.

There is nothing wrong in being a SAHM, especially when you have the support of your husband.
When there is mutual agreement in an household and trust takes the first seat,you can overcome anything.

bukatyne:


Hi ma'am,

I see a SAHM as someone who does nothing else (no schooling, business, etc. etc.)

Am sorry I just have to quote you dear. Do you have kid(s)? If you do you'll know looking after children is not an easy task. Stresses both mentally and physically. In other words, being a SAHM is a full time job on its own that is why crèches charge more fees than nursery/primary.

Having said that, yes I have stayed home before nursing my baby for almost a year currently expecting my 3rd and if I have to resign and exclusively nurse my child, will do so without blinking an eye. For me family 1st before Career

edwife:


Funny enough,it's only on Nairaland that i read that working means "rich" or i don't even know what to make of it.

I always go to Stella blog to read narratives because they are so real and it's there i really have a sense of what happen in Nigerians homes.
Some days ago,i read three ladies who have been working and they lost their jobs,yet the husband can't afford to pay for everything,and despite the fact that they were working,they couldn't save enough because each time they get payed,they end up spending most of it.
All i am saying is that having a job is not a guarantee that something cannot go wrong,life itself is a risk.

There is nothing wrong in being a SAHM, especially when you have the support of your husband.
When there is mutual agreement in an household and trust takes the first seat,you can overcome anything.

So true. I have also come to realize that most people that give advise on this forum have never walked in same shoes.

bukatyne:


Not bone idle but not doing anything else.

So I would not describe a writer/business woman/student/evangelist/tailor/Baker/etc. Has a SAHM.

As far as when I ask, you have an answer to give me.

I know photographers who work from home.

There is a difference between work at home and stay at home.

Of course there is a difference,when you say working at home here you mean that you are registered as a salary earner,you pay your tax and have to deliver your work in a certain amount of time because without that you might be unable to pay your bills or take care of yourself.

Staying at home mum do not register as worker neither do they have a deadline .Let say i am doing business,there will be no interference between my income and my household expenditures.I am not relying on it 100%My husband has full control of the bill and i do the paying....

My business is a way to keep me active,be it school or writing which i can quit whenever i want because my first priority is my household.

shrekandfiona:

Am sorry I just have to quote you dear. Do you have kid(s)? If you do you'll know looking after children is not an easy task. Stresses both mentally and physically. In other words, being a SAHM is a full time job on its own that is why crèches charge more fees than nursery/primary.

Having said that, yes I have stayed home before nursing my baby for almost a year currently expecting my 3rd and if I have to resign and exclusively nurse my child, will do so without blinking an eye. For me family 1st before Career

Ideally, it is family before career for every married person.

That side, Efemena has a post that captures This.

And. I never said taking care of kids is easy.

And staying at home for one year? You don't qualify the type of SAHMs' picture I have in my head.

That is ideally staying 9mths /8mths after your mat leave.

shrekandfiona:

So true. I have also come to realize that most people that give advise on this forum have never walked in same shoes.

or have not really had a first hand experience,just hearsay.

edwife:


Of course there is a difference,when you say working at home here you mean that you are registered as a salary earner,you pay your tax and have to deliver your work in a certain amount of time because without that you might be unable to pay your bills or take care of yourself.

Staying at home mum do not register as worker neither do they have a deadline .Let say i am doing business,there will be no interference between my income and my household expenditures.I am not relying on it 100%My husband has full control of the bill and i do the paying....

My business is a way to keep me active,be it school or writing which i can quit whenever i want because i first priority is my household.

Everybody's priority is their household (ideally)

It is about schematics really

Linda Ikeji is a work at home and answerable to nobody. I know a number of wives who have giant stores who are answerable to nobody.

I know Some men who trade forex professionally too from home.

Like Efe says, you can be creative enough to get something doing around the kids.

bukatyne:


Everybody's priority is their household (ideally)

It is about schematics really

Linda Ikeji is a work at home and answerable to nobody. I know a number of wives who have giant stores who are answerable to nobody.

I know Some men who trade forex professionally too from home.

Like Efe says, you can be creative enough to get something doing around the kids.

Linda ikeji is answerable to people who pay her for advertisements,that how a blog works.Stories alone won't pay her bills-she needs traffic to keep it going.She even said it herself that she does not have time for herself and planning on hiring people to write.
The more she writes,the more traffic she gets and the more investors are interested. She can never afford to be idle for 1 week....

All the above examples you gave need the work to pay their bills,that the point.

bukatyne:

Everybody's priority is their household (ideally)
It is about schematics really
Linda Ikeji is a work at home and answerable to nobody. I know a number of wives who have giant stores who are answerable to nobody.
I know Some men who trade forex professionally too from home.
Like Efe says, you can be creative enough to get something doing around the kids.

Bukatyne honestly you can't see taking care of children and running a home ALONE as a full time job

It actually is because the really high fees paid to nannies,nurseries child minders is actually payment for one half of what SAHM do. It changes a bit when the kids are older and in most cases like most people have said it get boring because they are now at school. Believe me as much as I would moan about workload I still get to have some me time.You don't want to home with a toddler as I type I just stepped on Lego after asking for it to be tidied up for the umpteenth time. when I was home sometimes i would even go to bed more tired than if I went to work.School run nko.


I was like you but now I am a bit different because I have seen a different side of the equation.I saw my mum and I would be like 'any woman who does nothing is lazy my mother combined kids,work,business education etc' .But you know what my mum had a superlative support network in her own mother and aunties plus domestic help.

Unfortunately she is not like her own mother who literarily gave up her own her stuff to help her daughter raise her kids.

bukatyne:


Ideally, it is family before career for every married person.

That side, Efemena has a post that captures This.

And. I never said taking care of kids is easy.

And staying at home for one year? You don't qualify the type of SAHMs' picture I have in my head.

That is ideally staying 9mths /8mths after your mat leave.

You actually sound like the opposite of the bolded. Also a SAHM has no specific duration dear as long as there are kids to be taken care of. Just that for most SAHM, the house gets so boring when the kids are all grown and the urge to start or pursue a career is great with no hindrance.

Maybe I don't get your argument though but I don't think any woman will like to be idle throughout her life time

shrekandfiona:

You actually sound like the opposite of the bolded. Also a SAHM has no specific duration dear as long as there are kids to be taken care of. Just that for most SAHM, the house gets so boring when the kids are all grown and the urge to start or pursue a career is great with no hindrance.

Maybe I don't get your argument though but I don't think any woman will like to be idle throughout her life time

Can you state where I said career has a precedence?

Or is it only SAHM who care about their families?

Am I missing something here?

damiso:


Bukatyne honestly you can't see taking care of children and running a home ALONE as a full time job

It actually is because the really high fees paid to nannies,nurseries child minders is actually payment for one half of what SAHM do. It changes a bit when the kids are older and in most cases like most people have said it get boring because they are now at school. Believe me as much as I would moan about workload I still get to have some me time.You don't want to home with a toddler as I type I just stepped on Lego after asking for it to be tidied up for the umpteenth time. when I was home sometimes i would even go to bed more tired than if I went to work.School run nko.


I was like you but now I am a bit different because I have seen a different side of the equation.I saw my mum and I would be like 'any woman who does nothing is lazy my mother combined kids,work,business education etc' .But you know what my mum had a superlative support network in her own mother and aunties plus domestic help.

Unfortunately she is not like her own mother who literarily gave up her own her stuff to help her daughter raise her kids.

I never said SAHM s are idle and never will

I believe a woman can combine staying at home with something else.

My opinion.

edwife:


Linda ikeji is answerable to people who pay her for advertisements,that how a blog works.Stories alone won't pay her bills-she needs traffic to keep it going.She even said it herself that she does not have time for herself and planning on hiring people to write.
The more she writes,the more traffic she gets and the more investors are interested. She can never afford to be idle for 1 week....

All the above examples you gave need the work to pay their bills,that the point.

And SAHMs are not answerable to their husbands?

Not everyone do What they do because they need bills paid; Some people cannot stand doing something outside cleaning and cooking even If it has to be inside their room

And like Linda, Some people do not even want to be idle.

That said, it is my opinion

We are all different and different things makes us tick.

Until I start arresting SAHMs, nobody has anything to fear

bukatyne:


Can you state where I said career has a precedence?

Or is it only SAHM who care about their families?

Am I missing something here?

Biko I'll pass on this. I don't get your argument. Au revoir

Endless back and forth argument, what works 4A might not work 4B, choose what works for ur family, stick to it and have peace of mind, to each is own......Kapish

shrekandfiona:

Biko I'll pass on this. I don't get your argument. Au revoir

You accused me of something, I am asking you to explain and suddenly you do not get my argument.

Goodnight.

bukatyne:


I never said SAHM s are idle and never will

I believe a woman can combine staying at home with something else.

My opinion.

I take it your argument is based on the Naija setting?

Okay, let's make some assumptions here. Bukky is a married post-graduate. Same as Mr Bukky. They've both got 3 kids, oldest nearly 5 years old. Mr & Mrs Bukky live in Naija (Lagos?) and Mr Bukky leaves home for work as early as 6 a.m to beat the traffic and doesn't get home till 8 or 9 p.m on a good day.

Their youngest child (who was pre-term at birth) is 6 months old and the second is 2 years old. Mrs Bukky however wants to return to work come what may, as she feels it's the only way she can add value to herself and those around her.

What advice would you give to Mrs Bukky in terms of getting back to work? How should she juggle things seeing as getting back to work seems to be her number one priority? Mind you, Mrs Bukky worked in a bank and her hours were similar to hubby's plus she's sometimes required to work on Saturdays and travel 20% of the time for days on end...

bukatyne:


You accused me of something, I am asking you to explain and suddenly you do not get my argument.

Goodnight.

Madam I accused you of nothing. I only said you sounded the opposite of what you typed. Biko I detest back and forth arguments. I usually just state my opinion and move on.

Sorry I had to quote you initially. Goodnight to you too

EfemenaXY:


I take it your argument is based on the Naija setting?

Okay, let's make some assumptions here. Bukky is a married post-graduate. Same as Mr Bukky. They've both got 3 kids, oldest nearly 5 years old. Mr & Mrs Bukky live in Naija (Lagos?) and Mr Bukky leaves home for work as early as 6 a.m to beat the traffic and doesn't get home till 8 or 9 p.m on a good day.

Their youngest child (who was pre-term at birth) is 6 months old and the second is 2 years old. Mrs Bukky however wants to return to work come what may, as she feels it's the only way she can add value to herself and those around her.

What advice would you give to Mrs Bukky in terms of getting back to work? How should she juggle things seeing as getting back to work seems to be her number one priority? Mind you, Mrs Bukky worked in a bank and her hours were similar to hubby's plus she's sometimes required to work on Saturdays and travel 20% of the time for days on end...

First and foremost, Mrs. Bukky detests working in a bank I see it as modern day slavery So it is actually out of it.

Since the last child is a pre-term, creche would not work for now and my mom is working.

Mrs. BUKKY wants to be a lecturer So would further her education (do a dull time masters + PhD at a stretch If possible )

Mrs. Bukky is also playing with catering So If her masters is not possible, she can start catering on a very small scale and grow.

Mrs. Bukky also likes to write So she will write for columns and finish up her book.

Mrs. Bukky also like to mentor youths especially girls and will organize programs around that (like to teach, really enjoyed teaching during service, even organized might classes)

I answered based on who I am really am.

I cannot stay with the pre-term alone at home all day. I will break down mentally.

That's me.

bukatyne:


First and foremost, Mrs. Bukky detests working in a bank

I see it as modern day slavery.

shrekandfiona:

Madam I accused you of nothing. I only said you sounded the opposite of what you typed. Biko I detest back and forth arguments. I usually just state my opinion and move on.

Sorry I had to quote you initially. Goodnight to you too

I like your moniker.....

But...are you shrek or Fiona...


****

kaboninc:


I like your moniker.....

But...are you shrek or Fiona...


****

Lol. As the name implies I am both shrekandfiona

kaboninc:

I was not done jare, the thing just went on it's own

shrekandfiona:

Lol. As the name implies I am both shrekandfiona

Not possible joor

bukatyne:

I was not done jare, the thing just went on it's own

OK...Mrs. Bukky.

Someday, you may teach meee.....

kaboninc:


OK...Mrs. Bukky.

Someday, you may teach meee.....

Teach you What?