Boys Night Out Discussions - Family (126) - Nairaland
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I'm A Mother Of 2 Boys, And I Can't (and Won't) Support Feminism / Girls night out discussions / 11-yr-Old Girl Gets Pregnant For Five Boys (2) (3) (4)
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| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Kimoni: 12:33am On Sep 08, 2015 |
[quote author=edwife post=37780001][/quote] For some weird reasons I can't quote your entire post so I'll summarize your conclusions and my thots on it. If I get you right, even if a woman is contributing towards the upkeep at home, she still shouldnt expect to share house chores. If she is stressed out, she should ask for help; if the help comes fine, if it doesn't, she should find ways of solving her problem. The man cannot be held accountable anyhow. In solving her problem, she can do the ffg - - Give up her career - Get modern gadgets - Get a maid I'll say your solutions are fair enough even though I still think men generally can do much more than they are doing presently in the home. For most, they just need that a re-awakening that they need to consciously do more. I think the first solution should start from there - taking the awareness to them just like the write-up recommended. I recall Netotse saying his mum had to speak with him to do more in the house. Also, rather than a woman abandoning her career, I would say she should delay it. I am never happy seeing women give up their dreams entirely for the sake of the home. It might be necessary to temporarily delay it, but I'll hate to see a total abandonment. Marriage should help both parties fulfill their dreams and not be a killer of dreams. Getting a maid or constantly acquiring modern gadgets will definitely help, and it would probably be the last resort of the woman. She would sha not divorce her husband because of domestic chores  Abi if she talk and talk and still get no help, won't she sharparly look for solutions? So I'll say I agree with these solutions though I have to say they may not entirely solve the problem cuz there is still a lot of manual intervention in using gadgets and not every chore can be outsourced to maids but overall, the burden would reduce a great deal and that would relieve her greatly. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by edwife(f): 7:37am On Sep 08, 2015 |
[quote author=Kimoni post=37782121] For some weird reasons I can't quote your entire post so I'll summarize your conclusions and my thots on it. If I get you right, even if a woman is contributing towards the upkeep at home, she still shouldnt expect to share house chores. If she is stressed out, she should ask for help; if the help comes fine, if it doesn't, she should find ways of solving her problem. The man cannot be held accountable anyhow. I am afraid you didn't get me right.Of course the husband is accountable but who married him knowing that?Let me use an example. A kid hates maths for whatever reason he doesn't like it,but he is a genius in Biology.As a parent will you force him to love it or help him understand it so he can at least get a pass and focus in his area of expertise? Kimoni when you need help isn't it asking the normal thing to do?If you can't get it or whatever the husband is offering is not enough,will you prefer to nag,quarrel and fight than to seek other alternative?  Won't it consume your energy just like the house-chores you are trying to resolve?In solving her problem, she can do the ffg - Please we should try to solve this from the root.A Young lady who is aspiring to excel in her career should marry RIGHT.She should make sure her choice of spouse should be able to accommodate her way of life.So if she marries a man who do not help,what should she do? -Bring the house down? -Divorce? -kill the husband? As human if plan A is not working,won't you try plan B. I'll say your solutions are fair enough even though I still think men generally can do much more than they are doing presently in the home. For most, they just need that a re-awakening that they need to consciously do more. I think the first solution should start from there - taking the awareness to them just like the write-up recommended. I recall Netotse saying his mum had to speak with him to do more in the house. Yes,if a woman knows that she chose right-she married a good guy there won't be need for that.But if she didn't,she should try and make him understand and if he doesn't,she should get herself help. Awareness will only work with a man who is willing to change and will definitely work with the younger generation.Start from infancy. Also, rather than a woman abandoning her career, I would say she should delay it. I am never happy seeing women give up their dreams entirely for the sake of the home. It might be necessary to temporarily delay it, but I'll hate to see a total abandonment. Marriage should help both parties fulfill their dreams and not be a killer of dreams. I never said she should abandon it,i said prioritize things.What should be done now and what should be done later. Getting a maid or constantly acquiring modern gadgets will definitely help, and it would probably be the last resort of the woman. She would sha not divorce her husband because of domestic chores Kimoni what are the chores that a husband will do,that the maid can't do? Isn't it your problem sharing chores?Won't the chores be shared by two human beings?How will sharing chores with your husband entirely solve the problem but getting a maid won't?What kind of manual intervention do you need in running a washing machine? A rice cooker? A vacuum? How do single mothers of 1,2,3 kids survive doing it alone? Yes not every chores should be outsourced to maids just as to the husband.My sister,life is easy when we want it to be,we should stop pondering on things we can't change rather look for a way to solve them. 3 Likes |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 8:19am On Sep 08, 2015 |
edwife on point! I dey feel u edwife: |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Kimoni: 8:51am On Sep 08, 2015 |
Edwife, I read your response, then went back to read the conclusions I drew from your post, and sincerely, I can't seem to find much difference. I would write the same conclusion if I am to do it again. Maybe there is a missing link I am not seeing. On the manual intervention part, gadgets don't work with remote naa, or are operatable from remote locations so Carrin cannot be attending her yoga classes and be cooking or washing at the same time. She cannot be at work @ 8am and still drive her kids to school at 9am. Her presence is still required. That's what I meant that it doesn't automatically solve the problem but it will make life easier than before. @abandon - you used the word abandon for sure, with further explanation, maybe you meant delay. That's fine. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Kimoni: 9:21am On Sep 08, 2015 |
TV01 et al. - There is something that confuses me about this "marrying right" of a thing. And fortunately, it has come up severally in past discussions esp this last one. My confusion is this - as an aspiring single wanting to get married, couples are told there is no perfect person but they should only look for someone who they share a lot in common or/and someone who has weaknesses they can live with. Like we say, a guy or lady who is looking for a partner that completely ticks his/her box will most likely never get married. right? But more often than not, it is those weaknesses that we thought were minor and we could live with that manifest itself to be the major problem in the marriage. Example - A guy is very loving, caring, focused, intelligent...but he has a temper. That seems to be his major weakness. During courtship, the lady saw a bit of this guy's temper but he always comes round without much effort. And even though she has her reservations about it, she has been advised and doesn't think it should be a deal breaker considering his other qualities. I would say I agree with her here. But on getting married, this little monkey continues to grow bigger and it grows to a stage where the temper now results in constant physical abuse. And therein lies my confusion. Can it be said that the girl didn't marry right? Is it her fault in any way for knowing that the guy had a temper but forged ahead to marry him thinking the problem would go away? Should intending couples see the 'minor' faults of their partners from a pessimistic point of view? Would we all get married if we think like this? Saga (  ) comes to my mind now.I sincerely need some understanding here. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by coogar: 10:28am On Sep 08, 2015 |
Kimoni: there's no confusion here....
i don't see any worrying trend here..... if women think they are getting the wrong end of the stick, they should contribute less financially. men cannot be sensitised to do more chores at home cos most of them were never even taught to handle chores. culturally or traditionally, the expectation has always been for the man to go out there and bring the bacon home by any means necessary while the women have always been trained on how to manage herself in husband's house  1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 11:16am On Sep 08, 2015 |
Kimoni:If there is one thing we've touched on repeatedly on NL it's preparing for marriage; as in readying oneself and being able to determine one who is right. The "right & ready" principle I call it. I will see if I can dig some out - or whole threads sef - but I don't think I can improve on what's already been written Kimoni:Right. And maybe not right; one may have very few and easily ticked boxes - a surname and a ring ! Character is key. And set your own expectations, I always suggest setting them way high, but they need to be based on a sound understanding of what marriage is, what it entails and what it's challenges may be.Some things - in fact many - are not about ticking boxes beforehand, it's about situational challenges after. He said to me, he said, "there are some things I wish I knew before marriage, but you know, there are some things you can't know until you are married" Kimoni:Maybe the classification of strengths and weaknesses was skewed to begin with. "You thought", maybe you thought wrong? Kimoni:How can she have married right if she saw the problem in an embryonic stage and overlooked it. You need to be able to see the "here and now", and the "there and then" - it's why we have family elders and support groups involved, and faith if you possess it. In lieu of those, you have to know it yourself, or the risk is there. My own support network was almost non-existent. Those that could were not proximate, the ones that were proximate could not. So it was Me and my faith. It's not a despairing matter. It's a question of being well prepped. One thing I wil say though - and maybe discuss more fully sometime - is the whole idea of "marriage culture". It should literally be from the cradle. It's mot very well modelled these days and people reach marriagable age unscholled, unlearned and unaware. Even if they realise it's early enough, they don't exactly know how, and often they realise too late, and not only do they not know how, they are also a little desperate. TV https://www.nairaland.com/1374631/important-things-discuss-before-marriage/2#17101406 https://www.nairaland.com/1057288/nairaland-christian-singles-thread-no/13#12442042 1 Like |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by edwife(f): 11:23am On Sep 08, 2015 |
Kimoni: I read your conclusion and we both said the same thing but i needed to touch some points you made before the conclusion. Kimoni i beg ,i take God beg you what kind of strength anyone needs to operate a washing machine?No be power on you go press? Why will she attend her yoga classes the same time she is cooking?  Can't she manage her time effectively?How many times a week does she need to go for her yoga classes.Besides Kimoni you can very well cook and do the washing.Do you stand in front of your cooker and stare at the pot until your food is ready?how long will it take someone to wash 4 or 5 plates? She can do the washing before going to bed,in the morning either you wake up very early to spread the clothes or you leave it till you come back.And i know that a husband can even help. She can be at work @8:30 while dropping the kids to the breakfast club,no company will fire a mother just because she comes and leaves 30 min before others and in the world i live men do drop their kids to school too.In fact i grew up seeing it a lot. Make we fear God o and come out straight.Women should start saying the truth,come out and say you don't have strength to do certain chores or you are lazy.SIMPLE! After all we can't all be strong or have the same strength. @timbuktou lol,you are not serious.  2 Likes |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 12:25pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
edwife:A man can dream, right? |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by bellong: 12:28pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
Can someone please summarize what's happening here for me? About four pages to read, each with long epistles. In another news, who is the favourite for the US open? |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 12:39pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
bellong:Women are domesticaly overburdened and being worked to the bone - they are being asked to contribute financially and expected to shoulder all household chores. Men meanwhile are oblivious to this impending disaster - not even at least appreciating their wives efforts. Typically jollying; watching the sport on telly, usually tennis! This one is all about you Bellong, you "chore-dodger"  . You are a prime example of this rising epidemic . TV Women - someone surnamed Williams Men - Djoko, Stanimal or Fed. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by debosky(m): 12:49pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
If the husband is physically abusive, then obviously there's a serious problem beyond 'marrying right'. I don't think a 'mere' temper can result in beating only after marriage. It must surely have been present prior to marriage but missed. In terms of 'marrying right', it's down to both your mindsets and attitudes. You will ALWAYS find out things after marriage that you didn't expect - the way you respond/manage those issues determines whether you'll be considered to have 'married right' or not. Yes sufficient common ground must exist, but that isn't enough as even two people socialised in the same environment will have their own individual personality traits/habits which may rub the partner up the wrong way. As always people can and should have what they won't accept/tolerate and make them known and clear to potential mates prior to marriage. My advice is don't rush into it and give yourself enough time for the love to stop 'shacking' you so you can see road before you sign the dotted line. God help us all. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 12:59pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
Kimoni A man is right but has anger problem? You have a core value system - that should be non negotiable Character flaws should be one of them... That is the basis of the marriage Things like dropping kids in school sadly are not.. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by NashvilleTN: 1:05pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
TV01: Thanks TV and bellong,its been a while  I am joining very late. Anyways, to the topic, house work should not be exclusively for women only. House work should be outsourced in my view to helps and machines - vacuum cleaners, dish washers, washer & dryer etc. But where people cannot afford it, then it should be shared. I can't see my wife struggling with house work and I completely ignore her. I love her too much not to help her. But bometimes the issue is timing. She might want me to come help her now, and it might be during the Chelsea game; so I'll ask her to wait. But she'll go ahead and finish doing the work herself. That has happened a few times. In my view, she should leave the chores, join me in watching the game and we can do the chores together later. Life can be simple sometimes. Hey house, great to be back! 1 Like |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by debosky(m): 1:06pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
pickabeau1: Agreed, but a view that dropping kids in school or taking care of the home/kids is a woman's responsibility alone can be viewed as one. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 1:10pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
debosky: I also agree In any framework You hav the non negotiables, nice to have and the embellishments If dropping kids is a non neg.. by al means do so @NashvilleTN.. good to have u back |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by NashvilleTN: 1:17pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
pickabeau1: Pickabeau of life. My broda I am still loyal o! |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 1:18pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by NashvilleTN: 1:19pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
pickabeau1: Family is doing great thank. How is yours? |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 1:37pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
Abeg where's the pages on having a great sex life? All these washing plates/clothes stuff is somehow.. 2 Likes |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by 5minsmadness: 1:51pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
BoboYekini:Am telling you bro... Is this boys night out or chores night? |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 1:52pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 2:14pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
BoboYekini:Well asked. More than willing to join this one, but only in "married" terms. NashvilleTN:Nash Baba, welcome back. TV |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 2:23pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
Kimoni and Edwife una no dey hear word  Nashville welcome back. Coach TV01 been severely anaemic (even with me taking iron tablets and eating loads of greens  ) my Gp has called for some more blood work yesterday. He however is insistig that I start eating red meat again (completely cut of my diet and eat chicken/turkey/fish)What are the lean cuts? |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by bellong: 2:51pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
TV01, Thanks for the summary. So house chores is the reason for all the epistles and big grammar.. This is 21st century, if any can't afford machines, be sure to marry someone who is not opposed to helping with it. Its that simple. NashvilleTN, welcome back from Sorbibor.. How was detention camp?#WhileYouWereGone, Bukatyne lamented of your disappearance. Many people disappeared with you and too many frauds bedevilled the auto section.. @Damiso, you need blood? It is why I warned you not to evade the monthly sacrifice. I hope the gods are not sucking it in lieu of the sacrifice... 1 Like |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 2:57pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
bellong: Awon aye..they are jealousing me God pass them @grammar real big one. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by NashvilleTN: 2:57pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
bellong: Thanks bro, I missed Bukatyne too, my true mate and sister. I wasnt part of the fraud sha Damiso, how are you my sister |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by NashvilleTN: 2:57pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
TV01: Thanks bro, nice to see you are still doing a great job on this thread. How family? |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 2:58pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
NashvilleTN: I dey o we thank God. Am sure the family is well.greetings to madam and the kids |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by bellong: 3:03pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
damiso: How can they jealous you when your blood is sweet... ;DDNashvilleTN: @TV, I am not sure Wawrinka can do it this time. |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by netotse(m): 4:07pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
@NashvilleTN good to have you back...there wasn't anyone to give interesting scenarios...lol |
| Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by RoyalRoy(m): 4:23pm On Sep 08, 2015 |
NashvilleTN: Wow, welcome back Nash. Still thought about you yesterday while speaking with a friend about a show in Nashville. Food to have u around!! |
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