twosquare:
Really, I don't know what else to say. Pray and talk it over with him wisely. That's part of what I use to tell people who "think" they are "wise." Yes, I understand the positions of some "not too cool" comments earlier but no matter how beautiful the idea sounds, if it is not scripture; it isn't scripture. That's why the first responsibility of the man is to the wife, then the children. Anyone (either husband or wife) who jeopardizes his/her garden (marriage) for the sake of others (siblings, dad, mum, relations) is not wise. This is not selfishness but commandment. You have got to be a praying woman because it is already getting on the kids who are meant to be the godly seeds God need for their generation, and if that's messed up by outer forces who wants to burden your husband because "it is their son," that isn't good. I will still say you should communicate with him in wisdom.

Thank you

[quote author=NewMe135 post=66124923][/quote]By their fruit ye shall no them and by their utterance the mind is revealed.

NewMe135:
We used to be love birds before his parents came visiting us. I had very good relationship with his whole family before his parents came and spoilt it all. I am the quiet type that hardly react to things, but one thing I hate is oppression. Because of all they did to me, to the extent of me having a miscarriage as a result of stress, I lost trust in them. But in all those, after they left, I still called them to say hello because they remain my husband’s parents forever. Because of all they did to me, my husband promised me that they would not visit us anymore since I almost lost my life.
After a few months, my husband started to tell me his parents were coming from Nigeria to spend another six months with us. I felt betrayed by my husband. I started to feel he did not value my life. I am not against him showing love to his parents, in fact,I still sent them money. He knows that bring them into our home is trouble for me. The worst is that he is also bringing in his brother and his wife to come live with us for six months too. *His brother does not like me, because their parents don’t like me*. Even if he want to support his brother, he can do it outside our home. I even volunteered to work to help pay rent for his brother and his wife, because I want peace in my home. All these to no avail. When I complain about the way he put his family’s interest before me and our kids (our kids that his mother treated badly because she hate me, to the extent that the older one became scared of her) he tells me that I am being inconsiderate. Thousands of pounds were spent to take care of my medical bills when his parents were in our house. Though the govt paid it, but all the suffering was bore by me alone
I need advice please!!! My home has become a quarrel zone. We now hardly stay 1 week without quarelling, when I say anything, he relates it to his family and tells me he must help them. I am not against him helping them, but I think helping them from a distance is more healthy for the family we both have together. I believe in HEALTHY DISTANCE, but my husband do not see things in this light.
Please don’t mind my English.

define healthy distance

For those of you who have come here to judge me, for the records, I got married to my husband in Nigeria before we moved out of the country. It will disappoint you to know that I got pregnant after we got married, and suffered with him to achieve all we have today. I did not meet him already made, we started our hustling together.

so?

Maybe you may might understand my situation if you had a sister who married a man, struggled with him from the beginning, worked and gave him all her income,

so now you own him cos you gave all your income you think you've done anything special

and did all she could to make him and his family happy,

you try to make everyone happy
you make no one happy

only to be seen as a weak person who they can use like she fell from the sky.

you are weak

Maybe if she also tells you that her husband bought a property in Nigeria with their sweat, but she has never set her eyes on the documents, not even a picture of it.

so? buy your own na

Maybe if she also told you that their kids became scared of his mother because of the way she treated them you might understand.

you want your kids to grow up indisciplined abi cos you de yankee

I kept quiet for years because I wanted peace.

first mistake

I gathered everything inside of me. What happens to an elastic when it is stretched beyond its limits? IT WILL CUT!!!

de fool ursef
it will break

Do you know that our physical well-being is controlled by our inner peace? Maybe you go do some research.
People just come out without thinking, making senseless replies because they know how to conderm others.

you knew all this yet posted on public forum
you're not very bright

If you face a quarter of what I faced, you will not live to tell the stories.

ppl have faced worse and don't beach and moan like you

When you have daughters, or if you have sisters, you can marry them out to a man

hey dumdum
you were not married out
you chose to marry a guy whose priority you are not

and tell him and his family to treat her she fell from the sky.

[quote]

cococandy:

Someone you knowingly married did not hack into your life. You made the vow to put them first

which vow are you talking about
can you read and comprehend or you just makin sht up

Stop sounding like an infant. Live with your parents forever if you may but don’t get married and then start treating your wife like she ‘hacked’ her way into your life

she is the one looking for ring by any means necessary.guys don't need you,you need us to be complete

ImaIma1:


So that is why they should come and stay for 6 whole months? 6 months!!! Even if they laboured for their son, he is a married man and their interference in his home is supposed to be limited.

we're talking bare survival you are talking home interference

Not even one person,...mother inlaw, father inlaw, brother inlaw with wife. He should just bring his whole village. And they will always find fault in what she does.

[quote author=Kinggnicole post=66101994][/quote]they are not making life difficult for her
she did that all by herself when she married him knowing how he fet about his family

Kinggnicole:



..and good in-laws should love their son's wife and not treat her like a slave.

good woman shud not marry ppl that will treat her like slave

cococandy:
the marriage is ‘not burning’ when his family members are there causing problems but hers will cause it to burn?.

Clear evidence that most of you guys are two-faced hypocrites who can’t take what they give.

why shud we.
you comparing yoursef to man
i pity you

not everywoman will be as naive as you are

NewMe135:


My wish is for you to suffer half of what I have suffered in their hands if you are a woman, and Let someone tell you to leave the house you contributed money with your husband to own.
If you are a man, I wish you meet a woman that will give you your medicine if you or your family dare to mistreat her.

no man will stand for such nonesense
next time look bfor you leap

NewMe135:


I pray God bless you with a daughter. Until then, you are still too young in brain to understand issues like these.

So if this was the other way round, will you say this same thing that the men think they can hack into women’s life and become number one.

I hope your wife puts her family’s interest before your sorry self.

she will go back to her fathers house that day

NewMe135:

You need understanding. Jumping into conclusions. Go back and read my post before commenting senselessly.

now ur real colour showing

I said I had good relationship with his whole family before his parents came visiting.

relationship from long distance is not relationship

I said I don’t mind him caring for his family,

yes you do

I could even contribute.

you think caring is all about money.

But he should keep a healthy distance. Ask google the meaning of healthy distance.
Did you see anywhere in my post where I said I hated his family?
Please think before you comment

NewMe135:


Thank you for your suggestions my friend.
I value my family but the family I have with my husband comes first. I cannot let them leave in my house, they would not even welcome the idea. Because no matter how good they are, relationships might sour. That is why healthy distance is very important. There is dignity in short visit

can he afford the short visits

NoToPile:



You are being biased and unreasonable abeg, I believe you are a man. 6 months accommodating inlaws that make your wife and children miserable is unrealistic to the extent she ended up at the hospital. The fact that the eldest child hate the grandmum after their stay is alarming, children love grandparents.

oyinbo chudren don't love strict grandparents

Your woman is also your family and extended Family ties are negotiable, when family tries to hurt the wife and kids then all bets are off IMO. Men should let them know you don't hurt my wife and children pls it's that simple, they will caution themselves.

how are they hurting her
she has so much money why doesn't she get a bigger house or housemaids to help instead of trying to kick his family out.
how wud she like it if her husband said her family shud live in hotel

NewMe135:


Listen, let me tell you something. It is men like you who think they know it all that will one day end up breaking their home. After they are done breaking their home, their family will then blame them that they were not man enough to hold a home.
The Bible that says “that is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he will stick to his wife, and they will become one flesh” know how important a family bond is.

did bible know that buhari and pdp will turn economy upsidedown

If you have sense at all, you will know that it is the same wife I plan to mistreat that will cater for you, until death do you path. You must be an illiterate not to understand the meaning of healthy distance.

hahahahaha plenty women can be hired to take care of men till their death
it only takes a will to enforce their loyalty
its funny how you insult strangers and don't realise it is why the family don't like youu

May you be blessed with female children and marry them to a man

again your family did not marry you off,you chose to marry

that him and his family will will use them like they fell from the sky.

who no like awoof

I don’t know why stupid Nigerians like you never want to develop some sense. You feel a woman should be treated like trash.
May you marry a woman that will give you the taste of your own medicine.
If you notice my username, it is “NewMe”. NewMe because my old quiet self did not favour me, saying yes to everything. I hope you marry a woman that will not make the mistake I made. I hope you marry an action woman that can put you where you belong when you mistreat her.

Just a word for you, “treat ur woman like a queen, and she will treat you like a king”. It is not a one way thing, because it’s not a master/slave relationship. If you so need a slave, go get one and don’t disguise yourselves as a husband because you are not matured enough to be called one.

NewMe135:


With this ur infant behavior, I doubt if any woman in her right senses will ever marry you. Even if she mistakenly does, let me see how long ur marriage will last. It is men like you that think women are only good for sex.

what else are they good for

But it is these same women that will bear children you will call your own for you.

so?other women can do same

Why don’t you impregnate one of your sisters let them have children for you.

called inbreeding,talk with sense not emotion

Or better still, marry them since you love your family so much. If you still have parents, ask them where their parents are now. Also ask them where their siblings are now. They are/have living/lived their lives already. Your father and mother will remain together and be there for each other till death do them path. Carry your family on ur head okay. And stupidly ignore your immediate family.

is he providing roof for you
food
school fees
how has he neglected you

Let’s see how you will be treated at your old age.

be fooling yourself
you are easily replaced
his family is not

You have chosen your path. I wish you the best. As for me, my immediate family’s interest comes first before my extended family.

ask oyinbo ppl how that turns out for them in old age

I don’t hate them, in fact, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. But maturity is placing people and things in priority. I will place my immediate family in priority.

bukatyne:


I want to believe that the parents have no daughters or they did not take care of them too?

they know their daughters will be taking care of their husbands family.why do you think ppl always want boys

boys and girls not equal
take it or leave it

NoToPile:




Help me ask him ooo

Parents will behave and conform sharp sharp when it comes to their daughters home but will want to make life a living hell for their sons wife, same parents different approach to siblings of opposite sex.

NewMe135:


You are very correct. One part that pains me so much is that these same parents have daughters, and they never let their daughters Inlaw’s treat them quarter of the way they treat me. They are always ready to put up a fight and tell them that they laboured for their children, hence would not allow anyone to mistreat them.
So where did I come from? Maybe I fell from the sky.

and your own family abandoned you and you don't see you're the problem.

NewMe135:


love the word you used, “with sense”. I am definitely not against catering for his parents, and even his siblings. But if having them in my house will seize the peace of my household, then it does not worth it. They don’t lack anything, and I believe that is the most important thing. I too have a family, but I have never brought them into my house because there is bound to be conflict of interest. This case is even worse because my husband’s brother is way older than him, and my husband that I know will not let him exercise seniority in his house. So when they have a fall out because of their ego, who will the family blame?

and why do you present yourself for blaming.why are you carrying them on your head.do your best and leave the rest.why not leave the house for them.only come in to sleep and find your way the next day till they leave.choose your battles wisely

project4OO:
@OP, what exactly do you want?


Seems like you're more interested in throwing curses around. You're not exactly what you portrayed in your opening post. Your expressions here show the exact reasons you're constantly at war with your husband's relative.


Take it or leave it, you share some portion of the problem.

I noticed that too..she is not that innocent as she wants us to believe..look how insultive she is..imagine living in a house with her..you can't hide your true colour, no matter what.. ..thats is why I hate one- sided talk ( especially coming from a woman). if it was her own familybthat was coming. .I bet you she will accommodate them for a year

mikolo80:
we're talking bare survival you are talking home interference

Bare survival?
The husband's house is more of her home than his familys'. When two people get married, they become ONE and other people INCLUDING FAMILY becomes third parties.

Family coming once in a while can be accommodated but it should not be a norm.A lot of them make it their right and make that period tiring for you.

Bare survival or home interference, families should learn to keep off as much as possible.

ImaIma1:


Bare survival?

yep

The husband's house is more of her home than his familys'. When two people get married, they become ONE and other people INCLUDING FAMILY becomes third parties.

says who?not him and he owns the house

Family coming once in a while can be accommodated but it should not be a norm.A lot of them make it their right and make that period tiring for you.

nothing you can do if HE tolerates nay encourages it

Bare survival or home interference, families should learn to keep off as much as possible.

and if they don't whatchu go'n do 'bout it
who will lose more
better forget what you see in the movies

mikolo80:
yep says who?not him and he owns the house nothing you can do if HE tolerates nay encourages it and if they don't whatchu go'n do 'bout it
who will lose more
better forget what you see in the movies

Only a fool will base their lives on movies that are make believe. I am talking about real life. You obviously do not know what marriage is about or you have a twisted view about it.

The woman is not meant to be in a disadvantaged position when she gets married. His house becomes her house. I don't know about your tribe but in mine, the house is mine as much as it is his. And he has a duty to protect me from external issues especially from his family.

Inlaws cannot just come and stay like it is their house. Na me get house.

ImaIma1:


Only a fool will base their lives on movies that are make believe. I am talking about real life. You obviously do not know what marriage is about or you have a twisted view about it.

i have very real idea
you however have romantic unrealistic view like op

The woman is not meant to be in a disadvantaged position when she gets married.

yes she is if she marries wrong guy which many women do and start crying wolf all after

His house becomes her house.

hahahaha so naive
this is africa not america or europe

I don't know about your tribe but in mine, the house is mine as much as it is his.

ok you're not a nigerian ,i see

And he has a duty to protect me from external issues especially from his family.

no,he has duty to protect what he values,clearly not you

Inlaws cannot just come and stay like it is their house.

yeah they can

Na me get house.

yet they run things in it

mikolo80:
i have very real idea
you however have romantic unrealistic view like op yes she is if she marries wrong guy which many women do and start crying wolf all after hahahaha so naive
this is africa not america or europe ok you're not a nigerian ,i see no,he has duty to protect what he values,clearly not you yeah they can yet they run things in it

If you like you can dissect further and respond to each letter.

You think these are romantic ideas because of your "African" ideas. There are African men that do not have such archaic mentality thankfully.

Inlaws cannot run my home. They are visitors and they know that. No issues.

However it works for you is your concern.

mikolo80:
why shud we.
you comparing yoursef to man
i pity you

pity yourself

mikolo80:
which vow are you talking about
can you read and comprehend or you just makin sht up she is the one looking for ring by any means necessary.guys don't need you,you need us to be complete

You sound painfully childish.

Wait 15 years. Get married and then come back to tell me all about it. I’ll be here.

bukatyne:


I want to believe that the parents have no daughters or they did not take care of them too?

They do and they did, but that is irrelevant here. The husband is not the one complaining about his wife's family, and I suspect that he would not mind if they came to stay. Men rarely do. It is the wife in this case who thinks she owns her husband and wants to lock his family out.

When my maternal grandmother was having some health issues, and my mum asked my father to allow her to stay with us, my father did not hesitate for one minute to personally invite her and furnish a permanent room for her. She stayed with us for six years until she passed away, and I never heard my father complain once about her living with us, despite the fact that she had four living sons of her own who never seemed to care, and the fact that he alone was totally responsible for all her hospital bills and other expenses. My parents have always had an open house policy for any family member that wanted to visit for sometime, whether my father's relatives or my mother's. That is real commitment and real love, and I and my siblings learnt real family values from them, and we are the richer for having such a closely knit family. That is why it incenses me when someone complains about their in-laws incessantly.

I wonder what family values the op's children are imbibing from her...the oyinbo type where elderly parents are abandoned to die alone at home in one lonely flat and smell for weeks before being discovered. But what goes around, always comes around. She should keep that in mind.

Farmerforlife:


They do and they did, but that is irrelevant here. The husband is not the one complaining about his wife's family, and I suspect that he would not mind if they came to stay. Men rarely do. It is the wife in this case who thinks she owns her husband and wants to lock his family out.

When my maternal grandmother was having some health issues, and my mum asked my father to allow her to stay with us, my father did not hesitate for one minute to personally invite her and furnish a permanent room for her. She stayed with us for six years until she passed away, and I never heard my father complain once about her living with us, despite the fact that she had four living sons of her own who never seemed to care, and the fact that he alone was totally responsible for all her hospital bills and other expenses. My parents have always had an open house policy for any family member that wanted to visit for sometime, whether my father's relatives or my mother's. That is real commitment and real love, and I and my siblings learnt real family values from them, and we are the richer for having such a closely knit family. That is why it incenses me when someone complains about their in-laws incessantly.

I wonder what family values the op's children are imbibing from her...the oyinbo type where elderly parents are abandoned to die alone at home in one lonely flat and smell for weeks before being discovered. But what goes around, always comes around. She should keep that in mind.

I believe if more men would take direct responsibility for their parents, maybe their wives would not feel overburdened. This is not pertaining to the OPs case, but just a general observation.
Its not easy to have your burdens increased in a home with inlaws, where you are expected to wash their clothes, cook 3 square meals(which you and your husband and children may not bother about usually- atimes skip breakfast, and the children have cereal, they have lunch as school dinners), clean their rooms and possibly their toilets, keep hospital appointments, etc.
I would suggest that men that want their parents to live with them be more proactive in the care of their parents, don't wait for someone else's child to bear your burden.
If you can't personally care for your parents, get someone you will pay to do so. Employ a proper maid that can make their meals if your wife is also busy and if it would increase her work load, get someone to clean the house every week and to wash their clothes etc.
If her own parents also have to come and stay, she either makes the sacrifice for her parents who have also sacrificed for her or she coughs up the money to employ someone to make their stay pleasant.
Parents should also learn to let their adult children live their lives and make their own decisions. They are grown ups, they will make mistakes and learn from it same way the parents also did. You dont go to your married son/daughter's house and expect things to be done your own way. They also have their own way which works for them

Four family members at once in your house for six months
Damn!!
Get busy with your work and make sure there is Chinese food in the fridge for when they are hungry.

painment

Seahawk:
pity yourself

ImaIma1:


If you like you can dissect further and respond to each letter.

You think these are romantic ideas because of your "African" ideas. There are African men that do not have such archaic mentality thankfully.

those are not ''african'' men

Inlaws cannot run my home. They are visitors and they know that. No issues.

However it works for you is your concern.