Pls i need advise from men and women of goodwill!
My husband has been cheating on me since 2000 i married him. I have on several occasions stumbled on sms from his harem of girls. I have even seen him twice with his girlfriends, one time they were making out in his car, the other time the girl was kissing him in a restaurant. It is always with a different girl. Any country, bank, office, school or location he finds himself he gets a girlfriend. He sleeps with them both married and unmarried and i never new that my husband has a flare for photography. He takes snapshots of these girls' nudity and stores in his phone. After i discovered these pictures and raised dust he decided to create a new mailbox that harbors these womens' pix and passwords his phone. Just yesterday i found a pack of used condom in his car. I took it and am not sure what to do with it for i know he will deny it. I am wondering if this is just a bad habit and if there is anything left for me in this marriage. Should i just hang on and see to my kids while he fools around. Or do i continue to show love and pray that God will touch his heart soon. What do i do?

What a husband!! well seems you have endured 11 years of this hardship. which is a long time to be in your shoes. Obviously you have done the talking thing and he just denies it. I know the emotional stress his cheating causes you and how it may destabilize you in every aspect of your life without you being aware that his cheating is the cause of your problem sadly you live with him so you must see him all the time.

I also know that many women living in Nigeria are carrying your kind of burden. They cope with it by telling themselves everyman cheats (i dont think this is true) i guess what i am saying is you are not alone in this. I pray you do not become a victim of any disease out there thanks to him. Not to criticize you or blame you but this problems are never one sided check yourself. how have you wronged him? what do you continue to do that drives him mad.

Have you tried to know what is the cause of his madness? anyway invest more of your time in whatever gives you joy. Set goals for yourself and try to accomplish them, keep yourself pretty all the time, be kind to yourself pls do not let yourself go if you have been looking and acting frustrated stop it and stop believing and acting like life ends without him. Redefine yourself. Keep praying and mind your kids. Better is the end of a matter than its beginning.

@ poster, take care of your kids, and keep your sanity, let him keep 'flenjoring', there is nothing you can personally do, for him to change, committ him to God's hands let God deal with him in HIS own way.

@ OP: why did you choose to marry a cheater ? Were you oblivious to the fact that he was cheating ? Or did you marry a cheater, hoping that he would change,

Also OP, how do you plan to protect yourself from HIV and STDs, you know a sick woman has no strength?

Do your children know ? Do you have a female child and what are you teaching her by staying with an unfaithful man ? Don't think children don't know ---- would you want any of your own children to remain with a cheating spouse ?

obowunmi:

Also OP, how do you plan to protect yourself from HIV and STDs, you know a sick woman has no strength?

Do your children know ? Do you have a female child and what are you teaching her by staying with an unfaithful man ? Don't think children don't know ---- would you want any of your own children to remain with a cheating spouse ?

Very pertinent questions there.

@OP
I know that women find cheating husbands a pain, but the truth is that most if not all Nigerian men cheat. It is better you take it in your stride,
You may note that most of the views expressed here are by children and people who live in the west, if you heed them, they will wreck your life and not even remember it the next day.@OP
I know that women find cheating husbands a pain, but the truth is that most if not all Nigerian men cheat. It is better you take it in your stride,
You may note that most of the views expressed here are by children and people who live in the west, if you heed them, they will wreck your life and not even remember it the next day.

^^^ I am a fellow woman but I beg you Poster, do not listen read the advise of this poster above me. If you are looking for the definition of BALDERDASH, that's it up there.

@op
I am a real NIgerian, not an Internet Nigerian, I speak the truth.
Over here we don't "kick men to the curb", you are unlikley to drive your husband away from the house or call the police.
Save your self a lot of heartache, take care of your kids and be very gratefull he is not trying to bring another woman as second wife.

Johndoe100:

@op
I am a real NIgerian, not an Internet Nigerian, I speak the truth.
Over here we don't "kick men to the curb", you are unlikley to drive your husband away from the house or call the police.
Save your self a lot of heartache, take care of your kids and be very gratefull he is not trying to bring another woman as second wife.

She should be grateful he is not trying to bring another woman home?? she should be grateful he married her ba? because she was in a slave camp and he came to save her.

Poster please don't let anybody make you think his cheating is your fault. Real men work out their issues with their wives not startinng affairs. Pls, save yourself and your kids, he has been cheating consistently prayer and fasting won't stop him. Your kids boys and girls don't need to grow up with an irresponsible father, d boys will grow thinking that's how to treat women and d girls will grow up expecting a man to treat them badly

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@chaircover
how do you know that the cheatimg is not her fault? Cos she ia woman? You should have asked if she is to blame.

@johndoe100, don't bother bantering with the ladies. In their world, the man is ALWAYS at fault. If they trip over a stone,have late monthly period,the food gets burnt,her clothes don't fit because she's been eating carelessly,she has body odor,she failed woefully in her exams,she nags the man to death forcing him to find solace elsewhere. . . IT'S ALWAYS THE MAN'S FAULT. He is to blame for everything that has gone wrong in their lives. It's his fault she messed up etc Don't bother yourself abeg.

I am based in Nigeria and I need to blame the married women in Nigeria every time I am out with my husband I see allot of married men either with there friends or some small useless girl.

U hardly see them with their wives which is very disgusting. If even my husband can complain about that well it says allot.

Why I say I blame the wives: Can't u control ure life? can't u make sure your husband comes home after work? If your husband takes u out stop nagging about his drinking and his friends. U are his wife look for the right time to tell him about his bad friends. And stop pretending. I do have lady's night out with the view women I know in this country they all smoke and drink but according to them there husband doesn't know do'h when u come home won't he smell it? Sisters pls wake up and smell the coffee lying,cheating and pretending doesn't take u any where. Like your husband is stupid.

Many women in Nigeria want to just marry --- like just the OP, she knew darn well that she was marrying a cheater. But she ignored all the glaring signs --- these women don't realize these types of problems, until years in marriage. Remember the culture in Nigeria is if you're a woman and not married, you are useless.

@chaircover. I really appreciate all your comments and for some of u that were asking if its not my fault that he is cheating. Tell me what other step to take when you call ur husband for a discuss and he refuses to say anything, he dislikes talking about our relationship, when i insist he says everything is ok and that he is sorry for what he is doing, that it wldnt happen again. right the next minute he is at it. I keep the home for him, take care of the kids, he is never there with us even when he is not working, he rather strtegises to meet with his girl friends. even on sundays he wldnt go to church but when the kids and i are gone he will get dressed and go to his friends and wldnt come back till about 11pm. this is a guy i beg for sex most of the time, i cook his food at whatever time he comes in, wash his clothes. Many a time i see semen stain on his undies, one time i spread out the pant on the laundry basket so that he wld see what he is doing himself, when he saw it he started shouting at me, after that day he stopped wearing his white undies and switched to boxers, one day i noticed the stains in the boxers too. I told him about it but he didn't reply. Yes i agree that many a time a couple's problem is two way but its the duty of each spouse or the two people to sit down and talk about things. This is my last resort, i think i hv tried. I am very attractive, very learned, amiable, presentable, a home keeper, yet he is not happy with me. I dont think there is any other thing to do but to inform him that i hv given up on him, then i will go for a proper medical lab tests, stay away from sex with him, then face my career, make some money, take care of my kids until a time i can move out. The truth is that i am just there becos of them for they are not even teenagers. it might be a long wait hmhmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

I'm not taking the stance that its your fault --- was he cheating before marriage ? were there signs that you ignored ?

obowunmi its too late for this qxns she is already in it.

Women, women, women, what is wrong if he cheats, what if he decide to marry a 2nd wife, a weaklin like you will do nothing so dont even start, look at Victoria Beckham, she know David Beckham cheats and she lets him do his thing, how many wife did your father had if I may ask, why dont you women let we men be and just let us do our thing, it a male thing aint it.

Poster you are moving in the right direction, I survived a cheating husband too, divorced and moved on, people will tell you there is no life outside divorce but my sister living with a consistent cheater is not living at all. The physical, mental and emotional stress involved is not worth it.

What if a man decides to marry several wives according to the customs of his people and have several concubines, would he called a "cheater"? Hmmm? Lol

MOBO999:

Women, women, women, what is wrong if he cheats, what if he decide to marry a 2nd wife, a weaklin like you will do nothing so dont even start, look at Victoria Beckham, she know David Beckham cheats and she lets him do his thing, how many wife did your father had if I may ask, why dont you women let we men be and just let us do our thing, it a male thing aint it.

i hope you will let your wife too to do her thing?

debrief08:

Poster you are moving in the right direction, I survived a cheating husband too, divorced and moved on, people will tell you there is no life outside divorce but my sister living with a consistent cheater is not living at all. The physical, mental and emotional stress involved is not worth it.

Hmmm, if really you are divorced, well too bad, you may just be one of those divorced fustrated ladies i bed here in England, looking for a male to warm their bed, how do you like your single life now, I bet you re fustrated and would love to go back, but he wont take you back, are you married now, so you now see that all men cheat as there is no greener grass, you were greedy and selfish by not allowing him to do his thing, can a minister or even commissioner wife tell her man not to cheat in nija, maybe your man was a poor struggling man so you decided to move on, if he was rich would you have left, well you single now anyway.

If you marry legally its one man one wife, if you decide to marry more wives its d womans decision if she wants to stay or not. When you get married you decide to forsake all others and stick to each other, let no man no woman put assunder, why get married if you still wanna mess around? Remain single and have all d nyash u want simple but when you decide to marry u stay faithful

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@debrief08, last time I checked,traditional marriage is LEGAL and recognized in nigeria. Furthermore, the one man and one wife ideology comes from the romans and was institutionalized by the roman catholic papacy into law to curb the excesses of the elite who boldly took the wives of peasants coz they wanted heirs from a woman who had shown "proof of fertility". Read up on biblical compilation and its history. Even when I was religious, I have never read any passage in the bible where its expressly written that any man who takes more than one wife is a sinner rather it was paul who "adviced" on having one wife to avoid stress. I dare anyone to quote me wrong!

^^^^^^CC, You have said it all jare!!!!!, am not surprised at what some men are syaing at all, what they fail to understand is that, the era! of our mothers and grandmothers are gone, things are changing, nobody wants a 'marital liability'.

@Poster, do not blame yourself for anything,, any man that wants to cheat will cheat, no matter how perfect and righteous his wife is, he will still find reasons to cheat. As Chaircover has said, make yourself happy, take care of your kids, look good and enjoy yourself, just pray for him, that as he is doing all this things, he should not carry anylady that has been infected by 'Maagun'', go and have a medical check-up and protect yourself strictly, from sexually transmitted diseases.

Op, Do you have a job? Can you take care of yourself without this man?

@Gayi OP,

My dear,this is the last place you should have come to for advice,cos most of the women on this forum are in self denial.If you trace them to their homes they have bigger issues with their husbands/partners,than you do but they will come onto cyberspace and pretend all is well intheir households,and then they will give you advise to leave your husband/partner.
Okay-you decide to leave your husband?Are you gonna remain celibate for the rest of your life?
If you leave your husband today,and meet a new man-do you think this new man will not cheat on you?
Is this new man coming from Mars
Look,my sister men cheat all the time-you can not understand this because it is a man thing.
You may not even commit any offence against your man and he just cheats on you-It happens all the time(Although not as blatantly as your hubbys case)

Listen to me cos am only gonna say thia once-DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND!
What you need to do is sit down with him,when he is in a good mood and have a heart to heart talk with him.
Ask him what he detests about you and try to make ammends,if not for yourself but for your children.
Pamper your man-Men love this but would not tell you cos they want to appear macho.
Cook good food for him.Give him a manicure/Pedicure treatment.
Put his favourite acoholic beverage in the fridge and serve it to him as he steps through the door.
Run his bath for him.
Give him good s.ex.(Be inventive)

He is your man-fight to keep him.
A WORD IS ENOUGH FOR THE WISE!
I feel you need to step up your love game,cos from your post it appears your husband loves crazy s.ex-in cars etc.It appears he likes to take pictures? You just need to up your game.
Finally I am gonna tell you something-Every man wants a lady in public but a W.hore in the bed room.Remember there is nothing indecent about how you make love to your man-so step up your game.
GOODLUCK!

Richvkunt:

@Gayi OP,

My dear,this is the last place you should have come to for advice,cos most of the women on this forum are in self denial.If you trace them to their homes they have bigger issues with their husbands/partners,than you do but they will come onto cyberspace and pretend all is well intheir households,and then they will give you advise to leave your husband/partner.
Okay-you decide to leave your husband?Are you gonna remain celibate for the rest of your life?
If you leave your husband today,and meet a new man-do you think this new man will not cheat on you?
Is this new man coming from Mars
Look,my sister men cheat all the time-you can not understand this because it is a man thing.
You may not even commit any offence against your man and he just cheats on you-It happens all the time(Although not as blatantly as your hubbys case)

Listen to me cos am only gonna say thia once-DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND!
What you need to do is sit down with him,when he is in a good mood and have a heart to heart talk with him.
Ask him what he detests about you and try to make ammends,if not for yourself but for your children.
Pamper your man-Men love this but would not tell you cos they want to appear macho.
Cook good food for him.Give him a manicure/Pedicure treatment.
Put his favourite acoholic beverage in the fridge and serve it to him as he steps through the door.
Run his bath for him.
Give him good s.ex.(Be inventive)

He is your man-fight to keep him.
A WORD IS ENOUGH FOR THE WISE!
I feel you need to step up your love game,cos from your post it appears your husband loves crazy s.ex-in cars etc.It appears he likes to take pictures? You just need to up your game.
Finally I am gonna tell you something-Every man wants a lady in public but a W.hore in the bed room.Remember there is nothing indecent about how you make love to your man-so step up your game.
GOODLUCK!

You're a very wise person.

God forbid bad thing. This one na husband?