Marital Rape - Crime (10) - Nairaland
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Poll: Is it ok for a man to force his wife to have sex with him?Yes: 16% (34 votes)No: 83% (172 votes) This poll has ended |
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| Re: Marital Rape by 4Play(m): 3:20am On Feb 15, 2008 |
@TOH This your emotional incontinence could be a result of falling victim to the "moneybags" of this world.  My advice is for the good of people of your ilk. . . . . . .so that when next you have been seriously played with "rehearsed affection/love",you don't come running to NL and launching into male Nairalanders like we are all responsible for your experiences See wetin Hotfunmmi dey go through now One day,you will end up like her. |
| Re: Marital Rape by Dreloaded(f): 3:23am On Feb 15, 2008 |
so you comparing me with that unstable trollop abi? We're not cool anymore 4Play.  |
| Re: Marital Rape by 4Him(m): 3:25am On Feb 15, 2008 |
see wetin moneybags don cause. |
| Re: Marital Rape by 4Play(m): 3:30am On Feb 15, 2008 |
unstable trollop? Hotfunmmi na good girl. . . . .its just obvious she has been "moneybagged" several times before You can often decipher "moneybagged" women by the anti-male resentment that lurks under the surface. Oya,truce. . . . .comparing you to Hotfunmmi was wrongish |
| Re: Marital Rape by 4Him(m): 3:37am On Feb 15, 2008 |
moneybagged - A term that refers to the use of flowery words, unrealistic attitudes and false hopes to manipulate a gullible female. |
| Re: Marital Rape by Ajisafe: 3:37am On Feb 15, 2008 |
Ajisafe, read my posts again, no where did I advocate bribing the woman to give sex. That's missing the boat completely. Moneybags. Moneybags. Moneybags. Call a spade a spade. Bribe is bribe -- no matter what form it takes. Be it cajoling the woman. Be it sweettalking her. As long as you have to prod, poke, and beg the woman for what's your God-given right, to me, it's bribery. Talking about a woman's emotional feeling. What about a man's feeling (emotional, physical, or whatever)? Man na wood? We get feelings too now. Which one now? |
| Re: Marital Rape by uspry1(f): 3:49am On Feb 15, 2008 |
4Him: @David I was forced to get married by my mother who does not believe in wedlock. My parent are strictly Christian. My ex-husband and I does not get along even we went our marriage counseling does not work at the end of 3 out of 6 sessions. As a result, i divorced him on the ground of ireconcile difference, domestic violence, and abandonment/neglected 14 years ago. All my life, I truly believe in the following below in the quality of stronger relationship where I was educated by reading love relationship books, movies, group meeting and dating experiences: [list] [li]Trust[/li] [li]Spirituality[/li] [li]4 Characters[/li] [list] [li]Humility[/li] [li]Kindness[/li] [li]Responsibility[/li] [li]Happiness[/li] [/list] [li]Personal Hygiene[/li] [li]Communication Skill[/li] [li]Personal Habits[/li] [li]Strong Connections[/li] [list] [li]Good Chemistry and Compatibility[/li] [li]Shared Common Interest[/li] [li]Shared Common Life Goal[/li] [li]Deeper Emotional[/li] [li]Sexual Compatibility[/li] (refer the knowledge of sexuality) [li]Agreed Financial Obligations/Compromise Equally[/li] [/list] [/list] |
| Re: Marital Rape by blacklion(m): 5:42am On Feb 15, 2008 |
Maybe this is why most women get the wrong end of the stick in a relationship.A lot of what moneybags writes strikes one as a means to an end. . . . . Brilliant observation. Some of his comments are interesting but there is this strong instrumental undertone which resonates from moneybag's various comments. In short, the guy is simply too good to be true, I really wonder how realistic all this daily emotional connection can be for a working couple with young kids. There's school runs, long daily commutes to work and back, many workplaces forbid personal phone/email except during lunch hour or coffee break etc. How does a man who leaves home at 6am and get back home at 8pm all exhausted and stressed begin pleasing and submitting and connecting in anticipation of sex that night? What about couples who don't work 9-5 - their work shifts at 2-3 different jobs each might not even let them spend much more than an hour together in a working day? |
| Re: Marital Rape by 4Him(m): 5:49am On Feb 15, 2008 |
most of the time guys who appear too good to be true are just that . . . not true. Moneybags talks a good marriage but how realistic is it? |
| Re: Marital Rape by Dreloaded(f): 6:16am On Feb 15, 2008 |
Jealousy is the root,  |
| Re: Marital Rape by blacklion(m): 6:27am On Feb 15, 2008 |
yep, another moneybagged female  |
| Re: Marital Rape by debosky(m): 6:38am On Feb 15, 2008 |
meet her emotional needs. . . blah blah blah. It makes it sound as if the man doesn't have any other needs except SEX. His duty is to do whatever Mrs wants so he can get sex, the only way he can get it is by doing what she wants, and the only way she can get what she wants is by NOT giving him sex? sounds highly manipulative to me. Yes I'm all for treating your wife well, but when its a case of 'no niceties = no sex' then I take exception. Being a man is a hard job, when you need to work, provide for the family and all that, just as the woman does. It is foolishness to think the man must be the one to try to meet his wife's emotional needs BEFORE his can be met. Whatever happened to marriage being a partnership? I'm getting a little tired of all the 'women this women that' - they want to be equal yet want to be sucked up to before anything happens, something is basically wrong here. Both spouses have needs, and both spouses should be pro-actively REACHING OUT to meet their partner's needs, not one waiting for the other to do x before she will allow y or vice versa. Afterall the woman said she loved you too, so why shouldn't she have sex with you until you beg, cajole and all that? Marital rape is wrong, but if the woman sets up obstacles such as these for the man to enjoy something as basic as sex, then that home is headed for dangerous ground. |
| Re: Marital Rape by blacklion(m): 9:13am On Feb 15, 2008 |
@desbosky, Part of this debate is a fundamental difference between many/most men and some/many women. Some women require a prior emotional connection before they can enjoy sex. They are high maintenance emotionally and need constant re-assurances and i-love-yous 24/7. For these women, no sex without romance. Many/most men can do sex with or without out romance easily. In fact, most men don't absolutely need romance before sex. Many/most men once Hot can shag - 1. an ugly woman 2. a woman that they ordinarily dislike or hate 3. a woman that they don't feel anything for either way - once she makes p#$% available, na go on soun! Some women place more emphasis on finance before sex or on finance before romance and then sex. In both cases, the dude gotta drop ego/owo/kudi before any action between the sheets. For women in the finance then sex category, this has to be upfront cash payment e.g. runs babes, aristo girls, club girls, sex workers. But for some other women in the finance then romance, then sex camp, the dude need not make any upfront cash payment but the guy has to be loaded to pay for the lifestyle that these women desire, give them cash as they want and buy them all their dream stuff BEFORE they can 'fall in love' with him. This type of woman needs financial security in marriage first and foremost but may still demand romance before any sex in order to deceive herself that she is not really a materialistic babe but a romantic at heart. |
| Re: Marital Rape by yemivictor: 10:06am On Feb 15, 2008 |
4 Play: |
| Re: Marital Rape by yemivictor: 10:11am On Feb 15, 2008 |
D-reloaded: I actually fell of the chair laughing from that one!!! |
| Re: Marital Rape by Pennywise(m): 12:27pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
blacklion: Moneybags I think you have unknowingly fished in very troubled waters my friend. The above statement gives you an insight into the routine of our brothers in diaspora who in any case are the ones prone to this unusual variant of a felony.And for whom sex is often rationed being tied to perfomance by husbands in other spheres. This is one example of one counsel not being good for all. My counsel is that you must never take a man's sexual frustration lightly or you wont be counselling very long. |
| Re: Marital Rape by lucandey: 12:59pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
 It's no because sex in marriage is made for the enjoyment of both couples.therefore, if the man force the woman he will not enjoy neither will the woman because they will be strugling on bed. |
| Re: Marital Rape by omoge(f): 3:52pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
debo, did all the below just came out of your keyboard?  debosky: |
| Re: Marital Rape by omoge(f): 3:54pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
Sex is basic?  |
| Re: Marital Rape by Dreloaded(f): 3:55pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
lol poor frustrated debola |
| Re: Marital Rape by moneybags: 4:32pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
Pennywise: Pennywise, I'll address your issue later but before that, I'll address those of others who've raised concerns, esp. those of 4Him. @4Him: You're still not getting my point. First off, I'm NOT for using sex as a weapon, it's absolutely crazy. Both the woman who says "I won't give sex until you do so and so" and the man who says "if you don't give sex, I'll do so and so" are using sex as a weapon. There's no difference between those two! What's the point living in a marriage like that? My view point in this matter is simple. When I took my wife to the altar, I vowed to love and cherish her until death do us part. She's it! I have absolutely no plan B -- there's no looking eslewhere. So knowing fully well that i've got this one woman to live with for the rest of my life I might as well make the best of the relationship, I don't settle for averages and I certainly won't want to settle for someone who's not happy living with me as my wife. Now if a problem arises, say she's suddenly becoming irresponsive to sex (which is important to me) or she begins to deny me sex, I have two options (at least from my perspective). 1) I can bolt and run to have my sexual needs satisfied elsewhere or 2) I can find out what the problem is and fix it. Option 1 is out for me, so i'm left with only option 2. And just by the way, the only reason i'm using the sex example here is because this thread is about marital rape. The same mindset would apply in every other situation in which I see a problem. Perhaps some background here would help put things in perspective: In my own case, I noticed after about 12 months of being married that my once upbeat and exciting wife began to get moody and withdrawn. Several times she would complain about how I treat her like an object, don't take her needs into consideration, always taking about work, etc etc. Of course, like the typical chauvinist I was, I dismissed all that as female hormones getting confused. I was working hard to make sure we could afford little luxuries, so what was her problem?But then the wife I married was disappearing before my eyes. The way she felt certainly began to affect how she responded to me in bed, and yes, that really began to get my attention! She wasn't denying me sex regularly, but her attitude towards it was somewhat more of an obligation and there were times when there would be excuses. Of course I would vent my frustrations and there would be arguments and counter arguments, etc etc. Life was miserable and we both decided to check into counselling. That's where I began to learn a lot of things I never ever knew about women. My wife has needs that need to be met, and how she feels everywhere else affects how she responds in the bedroom. It's my responsibility as her husband to meet those needs, plain and simple. I love her and am committed to meeting her needs, whether or not she meets mine in return. That's my vow to my wife and I fully intend to keep to it until I take my last breath. To say that the only reason i'm meeting my wife's needs is so I can get some sex is immature and irresponsible. She's my wife, and as a husband, my #1 responsibility is to meet her every need to the best of my ability. I find out what they are and commit myself to meeting them. Now the key word here is " to the best of my ability" because I'm well aware that i'm human and will be prone to errors on occasion, but i'm committed to doing the very best that i can. I can't begin to tell you how that resolution that I made a few years back has affected my wife today. I've seen her blossom before my eyes. She's a completely changed person and it shows in everything she does both for me and our kids. She's back to being the woman I married and I wouldn't have it any other way, not even if my life depended on it! I'm committed to pleasing her to the best of my ability, irrespective of how she responds to me in return. @Pennywise, onto your question about couples who work, for me it's simple. I'm an investment banker, so you can begin to imagine the crazy hours I work. My wife also works. I am against using sex or anything else as a weapon. In short, i'm against blackmail -- it never works for me. Now please hear me out here. What I'm saying is simple to understand. Given scenario: I've been working all day long, dealing with angry people. Then I come home completely stressed out and want sex. Wifey is not too enthusiastic and begins to give excuses, or even flat out says NO. To me that would be very frustrating. From my perpective though, if this hitherto hasn't been a common occurrence but has happened more than a few times lately, I would begin to see it as a problem, especially since I know that my wife is not the manipulative type. And like all problems, my approach will be to get to the root of the problem and see if it can be fixed. I will certainly be having a discussion (much later of course) with my wife to find out what the problem is and how it can be fixed. Depending on what I find out the problem is, we'll be taking it from there. In my own case, my problem had always been my attitude towards her and that had to be fixed. Whether I liked to admit it or not, the way I was treating her affected her response to me, not just in the bedroom but everywhere else. Of course, being the person I was then, it was the changed response in the bedroom that caught my attention and got my wheels spinning. The counselling sessions we went for opened my eyes to a lot of things I had hitherto been ignorant about. Now like 4Him said, these things may come naturally to some men, but to me they didn't. I had to learn, and learn I did! I work long hours too, but that doesn't stop me from keeping the emotional connection alive. I call her EVERYDAY just to tell her that I love her. I truly love her and if my having to say it to her regularly makes her happy, i'm game! Ever so often, I hire a baby sitter to take care of the kids and then take her out, especially when I begin to notice she's getting all stressed out. Every once in a while, I look her dead in the eye and ask her "how are we doing as a couple?" and then take the time to listen to what she has to say. Sometimes hearing what she has to say may be frustraiting, but I purposely stay clam and listen attentively. I then make a commitment to address whatever issues I need to address. It's a priority to me that she's happily married to me. I find out little things that make her happy and commit myself to doing them. She does same to me, but honestly, I'm more concerned about doing my own part irrespective of what she does in return. If one is consciously committed to doing these things, chances are that one will always find a way, no matter how busy the schedule becomes. And again, I'm not saying these things should only be done when one wants something in return. I do them because they make her happy. So the bottom line to all i'm saying is: if you don't treat your wife like she's some object that only gets attention when you want something from her (usu. sex), then chances are that she'll not hesistate to meet your needs also. It couldn't get any simpler than that my man. |
| Re: Marital Rape by moneybags: 4:38pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
debosky: And you're right on target there! That's exactly what I've been trying to communicate. Now because this thread is one about marital rape, I've focussed on what we as men need to be doing. The key here is finding out what our wives' needs are and pro actively meeting those needs. A wife in that relationship like that is unlikely going be feeling objectified and will therefore be more eager to meet the needs of her husband. That's my point! |
| Re: Marital Rape by blacklion(m): 4:43pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
@ moneybag, Your perspective, with all due respect, would apply primarily to a relationship or marriage based on or at least initially inspired by romantic love. But what about men married to women with an ingrained instrumental approach to sex and relationships? We have many such among Nigerian women especially my sisters from east of the Niger. How does one meet the 'needs' of such women? Hope you don't mind another question - how would you advise a man who naturally has a much higher libido than his wife? What to do? |
| Re: Marital Rape by moneybags: 5:27pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
blacklion: I seem to agree with you that my perspective would apply in a relationship based on love (though i'm not sure what you call romatic love). But what relationship isn't based on love? I'm a little confused here, please explain a little further. As to your question about being married to a woman who has an instrumental approach to sex (and i'm assuming this is one who uses sex as a weapon), i'll say this is wrong! Sex or anything else that the other spouse is entitled to should never be used as a bargaining tool. Everything the husband or wife is entitled to came with the marriage package. Once they both said "I do", they both automatically became entitled to having all of their needs met by the other partner. And just for the sake of clarity, i'm referring to those needs that the marriage relationship is meant to meet. The problems only begin to arise when needs are being neglected and parties start becoming manipulative. The woman uses the man's need for sex as a weapon (i won't give you sex if you don't do so and so) while the man uses the woman's need for security in the relationship as a weapon (if you don't give me sex, i'll go get it elsewhere). That's warped and should be fixed. It certainly can't sustain a blissful marriage relationship. To address your question about being married to a woman who uses sex as a weapon, i'ld seriously recommend counselling for both of them (man and wife). Now in the absense of that, if I were counselling the man, I'll advice him to begin to find out what his woman's needs are and begin to meet them unselfishly, irrespective of her response to him. I know, this sounds bizarre, but in a crazy situation like that, someone needs to inject sanity and bring the relationship back on track. If the man keeps up with such efforts long enough, they'll begin to yield fruits and positive change will begin to manifest itself in that relationship. So i'll advice the man to communicate his frustration to the woman but at the same time find out what her needs are and commit himself to meeting them unselfishly. He should reassure her of his commitment to her and do his best to please her unconditionally. It's simply sowing the seeds of unselfish love and that will yield fruit. If I were counselling the woman, I'll pretty much advice her to do the same, irrespective of her husband's responses to her. A lot of wives who use sex as a weapon do so because that's the only thing they can use to get the husband's attention. Sadly it's true but that doesn't make it right. So i'll advice a wife like that to meet her husband's needs (both sexual and every other needs she ought to be meeting) unselfishly and unconditionally but at the same time respectfully communicate her frustration with her needs not being met to the husband. Chances are that her efforts will yield fruits over time. However if the situation is really bad to the extent that there's war going on in the home, I'll recommending counselling with a more mature and happily married couple. Onto your question about the man with a much higher libido that his wife, I'm yet to see a man who doesn't have a much higher libido than his wife. In any case, that shouldn't be a problem. If both of them are committed to meeting each other's needs, she shouldn't have a problem meeting his needs in this area. The bottomline is the commitment to meeting eachother's needs unconditionally. He's committed to meeting hers, she's committed to meeting his. Now if there's an existing situation where it is: "i won't meet your needs until you meet mine", then someone has to inject some sanity into that relationship, and I will usually challenge the man as the head of the household to do that first. Does this help a little? |
| Re: Marital Rape by SweetT1: 6:07pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
Whoever marries D-reloaded is in for a very long roller coaster of visits to psychiatric ward because she will drive you insane ! Expect to cook your own breakfast, dinner and supper while she is in the living room talking on the phone to her buddies. |
| Re: Marital Rape by 4Him(m): 6:09pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
Sweet T: or we could just make things easy and ask her to marry moneybags. Problem solved. |
| Re: Marital Rape by Dreloaded(f): 10:00pm On Feb 15, 2008 |
Sweet T: almost sounds like my mom and my dad is fine and very sane  Sweet T, no be your fault, ashewo. Ever call my name again, you'll see what I'll do for you. Snake. as for you Dafidi, iya ma jori e. Oniranu. Jealousy no good! |
| Re: Marital Rape by debosky(m): 2:29am On Feb 16, 2008 |
@ omoge it was 3am in the morning bear with me But for real this whole thing is being taken to ridiculous extremes, beg her and wash her feet before you get a kiss. . .assure her that her crooked nose looks better than that of Eva Mendes then you can get to 2nd base. is sex basic? In a marriage relationship it is - it is the physical expression of your union. That does not mean it must happen every second, but it should not be something that requires elaborate scheming and preparation beforehand. Romance is good, but if each time he MUST cajole you before you agree, there is something wrong somewhere. who talk say I dey frustrated? *thank God I'm seeing wifey soon. . .she go hear am! * |
| Re: Marital Rape by Nobody: 3:35am On Feb 16, 2008 |
debosky: since when ? |
| Re: Marital Rape by 4Him(m): 5:11am On Feb 16, 2008 |
debosky: bros na you biko. All that text book moneybags was writing . . . there were no car doors for Abraham to open for Sarah, no cell phones to call her and say i love you everyday and yet even till the age of 100 they were still getting jigi with it. |
| Re: Marital Rape by Nobody: 5:21am On Feb 16, 2008 |
ROFL. This boy eh! |
| Re: Marital Rape by Nobody: 5:24am On Feb 16, 2008 |
4Him: Do you know how romantically and tenderly he lifted her up onto the camel, helped make the daily tortillas for breakfast. |
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