Obiagu1: Until the OP converses in only English with his family whenever he's talking to them on the phone, he has no issues with his wife.

Imagine a Yoruba man conversing with his family in Yoruba and expects his Ebira wife to converse with her family in Yoruba as well and not Ebira.

Is that not selfishness?

akumarism: I 'm a Yoruba man married to an ebira lady, our marriage has being blessed with a kid. In recent times, I discovered that she prefers communicating on phone with her family member in her local language when these people can speak and understand yoruba and english language well and knownfully well that I don't understand ebira. Each time this happens, I always feel insecured and I've sat her down and discuss this with her on several occassions but she refuse to change. Firstly,I want to know, is this feeling of mine normal and if not, kindly advise on next line of action. Thank you.

Reenicebay: Truth be told, you aren't being insecure. it's not that you don't trust, you just want to be a part of her life and communication; any spouse would want that.
personally, i think your wife isn't being considerate of your feelings. it's not about speaking in her native tongue with her family (especially in your presence). it should be about understanding your feelings and trying to make you comfortable around her.
my brother (an igbo guy) is married to an akwa-ibom lady. for that singular reason, we never communicate with my brother in igbo whenever she's around; just to make her comfortable and assure her that she's a part of us. that's what should be your wife's goal, not trying to impress her family, when she should be impressing you / making you comfortable, as she is your wife.

summarily, she needs some serious marriage counselling 'cos she could loose your trust (whether or not you want to distrust her or she's yet trustworthy) if she continues in this light. a word they say ...

jammyng: I see you don't trust your wife enough.

afam4eva:
A phone call that's not put on speaker is for the two parties communicating. Any third party is an amebo. The OP is a radio without battery.

coldgate: It is very sad that a lot of pple go into marriage without the requisite maturity couples should have attained. @ poster, so just because u have married a wife,her owm parents and maybe the entire ebira community should abandon their language? Very self centered and selfish man! Why don't you learn ebira? I am Ninzo married to a mature yoruba man. He is learning my language as I am learning his. Marriage is a UNION. No more my language but our language(s). Pls.grow up and stop fishing for issues.

Reenicebay:
Afam, your spouse's business is your business.
The issue of communication here is not with the OP's in-laws but his wife. His in-laws may speak Ebira to their daughter but she doesn't have to respond to them in the same language, especially when she knows that her husband doesn't understand the language and he has voiced his concern over this. when you love someone and are married to the person, the person (not your children, friends or family) becomes your primary focus. I don't need to know what my in-laws say, 'cos I didn't make a vow with them, I made a vow with my spouse. Whatever is being said on the other side of the phone isn't my business, but what my spouse is saying is definitely my business. Kapish?

coldgate: It is very sad that a lot of pple go into marriage without the requisite maturity couples should have attained. @ poster, so just because u have married a wife,her owm parents and maybe the entire ebira community should abandon their language? Very self centered and selfish man! Why don't you learn ebira? I am Ninzo married to a mature yoruba man. He is learning my language as I am learning his. Marriage is a UNION. No more my language but our language(s). Pls.grow up and stop fishing for issues.

Siena: It's rude to speak in a language your spouse can't understand, more so when the wife and her family have a common language with her husband - English and Yoruba. It's just as rude as whispering in the company of others.

If she chooses to communicate with her family in Ebira, knowing fully well her husband doesn't understand, she's sidelining him, cutting him out. The whole idea of marriage is INTEGRATION. Not SEPARATION. And right now, she's doing her hardest to alienate her man.



Are you kidding me? When you speak within earshot of another, and the person can hear one side of the conversation, it becomes his / her business! If you wish to have a private conversation, then you simply excuse yourself, and go to another room. It's bad manners to speak in a language alien to present company, or whisper.

My wife grew up in Lagos, so speaks Yoruba fluently. But she would NOT disrespect me by conversing in Yoruba with anyone in my presence, that's out of order. I have never told her not to do so, I've never had to, because she knows it's not right.

This is one of the reasons at work, you speak in a common language amongst your colleagues - in this case, English.

Reference: I'm sorry poster but this is what courtship is all about. You should have sorted it out then and stopped the wedding if you couldn't reach an agreement. Now its late. You're stuck with an insensitive person period. If this happens in peace time you can imagine what will happen when serious conflicts arise.

Communication and transparent ones for that matter is cardinal in any home. Husband, wife and children must be left in no doubt about what happens in the home, to one another and instantly for that matter. That is what marraige is all about and every party must sacrifice to promote these ideals.

At the very least practically every Nigerian understands pidgin english. She should use that in the home. Her dialect can be used out of ear-shot.

If on the other hand it is her parents that insist it means you have a bigger problem and I doubt if she's properly decoupled from them.

engineerd: From the responses ON here it is apparent why simple things are very difficult to achieve in Nigeria. Basic simple conversational etiquette issue and you see a lot of dim-witted responses! When one lacks the basic understanding of the issue or subject of discussion, you get a lot of charlatans giving nonsensical opinions and views! @ SIENA, you have made your point, any further attempt to convince ignoramuses on here otherwise will prove futile.

Siena: It would appear there are crossed wires here.

This is not a trust issue, it's social etiquette. You wouldn't whisper to someone with others present. And if you did, you're inardvently cutting them out, and this sends a very clear message. If they then asked what the whispering was all about, does that mean they're being nosey? Or "Amebo's" as you put it?

Whispering is no different to speaking in a language not common to all present. The both have one thing in common - they sideline and exclude those who don't understand what's being said. It's all well and good to say "it's not hubby's business", but I beg to differ. When you speak to someone within earshot of your spouse, or others, it becomes his / her / their business.

This attitude is carried further. I have Nigerian friends here, we'd be conversing in English, then another mutual friend turns up (same language as the rest of the group) and suddenly, they'll all switch to their language. I'd be standing there, forgotten, till I politely break in, and excuse myself before beating a retreat. Very rude, but I shrug it off, as I don't live with them. If it were my wife, I would be pretty annoyed.

If something isn't meant for the ears of another, then by all means excuse yourself. Excluding your husband / wife or others from a conversion you're having is plain rude

Siena: ^^^ Sister Osisi, the fact remains our habits at home invariably spill over into our working / social environment.

babyosisi: So if my sister Mrs Siena was from Mbaise and I call,you will prevent her from speaking to me in our Mbaise dialect
I will come to that London with Igbo text books and Akwukwo nso ( Igbo bible) and I will not leave there until you start speaking fluent Mbaise

Sis, you know me - I'm like a terrier with a bone, hehehe.

My mom spoke super fluent Igbo, but only when my dad and us kids were not within earshot, seing as we wouldn't understand, and she didn't wish to exclude us, God rest her soul.

Siena:

No disrespect - why wouldn't English be a natural mode of conversation?? I don't get this - regardless of what our local languages may be, English is taught in all Nigerian schools, ahead of local dialects.

When you say "her family," doesn't that include her husband? Who comes first? When a man and woman marry, their respective partners become their immediate families.

No, she doesn't have to tell her family and friends to only speak English or Yoruba. It would be obvious if she responds to a phone call in English or Yoruba, that present company can only understand these languages, and they'll flow with it. That's how it goes.

And if you dismiss your husband's opinion as rubbish, it's going to be a rocky ride. You're telling him it's non-negotiable. And if you told him to his face his opinion doesn't count, and is rubbish, you couldn't disrespect him more, and you're inardvently giving your family and friends license to do the same.



Let's say the OP's wife works in a US Corporate setting, in a shared office, and her parents call (yes, private calls aren't encouraged at work, but they do happen). Whould she respond in Ebira, and carry on a conversation that's alien to her colleagues, or excuse herself, and take her call out of earshot? If yes, why can't the same courtesy be extended to her husband, or does he matter less?

Vikin: The way OP is complaining, something tells me if the wife should excuse herself while speaking to her folks, he will suspect her of cheating.

Let her stay there and speak the EGbiri jor!