Virgin Finder:

She doesn't have to be born a Christian to become one.

If she is not yet a Christian, I hereby advise her to:

1. give her life to Jesus Christ,

2. start attending a Bible believing and following church,

3. and seek wise christian counsel and not USELESS WORLDLY NAIRALAND counsel thereafter.

It's just a phase in her life. She's going to be fine by God's grace.

@bolded
GOD can be brought into anything.

And He in interested in every aspect of our lives.Don't be surprised.

I don't get your point. are you saying only ungodly women can be abused, but as long as you have God, you cannot be. I don't see the relevant of religion in this matter

jay bee: @Swag queen
So what do you want to do going forward?

I just can't stress enough why empowerment should be embedded deep into the skulls of all young teenage girls.

THE BOLDED IS VERY VERY VERY VERY EXTREMELY IMPORTANT FOR PARENTS TO TAKE NOTE OF!

I just think swag queen can learn from my case.
I have been married for 15years and was constantly abused by my H, was not working for 1st 4 yrs of our marriage. I worked from yr 4 to yr 10 and then lost my job. When i was working, he was spending his money on other things and refuse to take care of the house. When I lost my job, he will abuse me verbally for asking for anything from him. He beats me and lock me outside to sleep in the compound.

I have caught him sleeping with my maid in the night and he said i am at fault, if i have finished all his sexual urge by giving him 12hrs or more, he will have no more energy to meet my maid, he sleeps with any small girl and even cleaners around. He is at a managerial level in a bank, good looking and very quite looking.

Two years ago, during one of the episodes, i went to our pastor who called him as usual and he told him he cannot stop beating me, then i knew i have to act fast.

1. I prayed and told God i want to act now, i dont want my action to lead to divorce but i want a solution, however if divorce is the only way out, then so be it.
2. I reported him to a human right organisation here is Nigeria who wrote him a letter, and threaten to charge him to court and inform his employer of his acts, he called my pastor and threaten to kill me if the human right group should do any of such. So he maintain his distance from me. He left home for a while and then came back.
3. I dont talk to my family about his act, but now i did. My brothers and sisters called a warned him never to try it again.
4. I prayed to start a new job or business, no job was coming and no money to start a business. I told him i want to sell my car which i was giving as payoff from my previous employer. He refused but i insisted, i waited for him for 4 months to suggest something else i can do but when it was obvious he did not want me to do anything, i took the car for sale. He came there and paid for the car and took possession. I had my cash and started my business with lots of prayer and fasting.

Now my business has started doing well, he returned the car back to me. He still sleeps around, but i am praying and i try to look away. It now surprise him that i have ignore him. One day i heard him praying , God help me to change, dont give up on me, dont let my time of grace expire.

My husband is still very far from what a good man should be, I knew i cannot make him to change, but I have the power to change.

He pays the children schools fees now,no more abuse. He tries to use verbal abuse, but i warned him i will give him some response that will make him to cry. Since he cannot beat me for the fear of the human right group and my family, he has stopped.

We leave like two strangers in the house now, only talk when it is important but it sure better than the abuse.

We are now learning how to relate without trying to dominate.

Ujujoan:

I understand his PoV oh, but we cannot keep encouraging women to roll over and take abuse because the 'society' will make life difficult for them.

If they die in the process, the same 'society' will wear aso ebi to their burial while they go back home and advice their own children not to end up like them!

Nigerian women need to be taught that life exists outside an abusive marriage . . . . too many lives have been lost already!

UJu that's the point. It's too late to teach them. The society has already instilled it In their brain that they cannot survive without a man.


Even when parents teach their children otherwise, the effect society have on them gradually subdues what they have been taught by their parents. It's like a strong force.

The same nigeria that now encourages child marriage?

What stupid society are we talking about here? Is it not the same society here on Nairaland. 90% of the people here have condemned it and 70% of people think she should get a job or leave.

I dont care about any society. One man married one woman. One man is beating one woman, which one concern society. Even Fashola has established a new law that makes it an offense punishable by jail term. Please lets stop talking about society. Is the society feeding her or wiping her tears? All this silly mindsets people have of some non-existent society. Its all in the mind. The society everyone has are family and a few close friends.

Ujujoan:


Different men 'bouncing in and out' of their mother's bed? What becomes of young widows nah . . . . they are doomed to a life of loneliness abi?

and you don't think a child seeing her mother with different boyfriends can be affected? should a mother be concerned about her sëxual gratification at the expense of raising her kids the proper way?

Do you even read through what you post?

i didn't read it - you know i am ray charles.

And yes, if a man is being abused, he needs to leave for the sake of his sanity . . . Of course I doubt that a woman will be able to 'beat' a 9-month pregnant man!

here we go again....
even uju thinks physical abuse is the only form of marital abuse. it's so tedious debating with you. words hurt more than slaps & blows.

alutacontinua:

THE BOLDED IS VERY VERY VERY VERY EXTREMELY IMPORTANT FOR PARENTS TO TAKE NOTE OF!

i believe a lot of parents fail in this area too. They are so busy on the academia part that they have forgotten about the life and social part.

bukatyne:

God bless you!

Divorce as a word might be relatively new but it's not new as an action.

Go to the villages and see women who packed out of their homes and married other men; men who kicked their wives out and married new wives. I do not know where the stigma is.

Is the label divorcee or separated on their foreheads or what?

Exactly at the bolded ! The word is new because we have court marriages these days so actually have to serve divorce papers but it's been happening for decades ! Back in the 80s I remember women packing out of mens home in ghana must go bags.
Infact it's the other way round, it's the man stigmatized because we kids would refer to them as wicked men.

This is 2013 not even the 80s, where is the stigma. I think Coogar isn't using the word stigma correctly.

An example of stigma is you not being able to get a job / assosciate or live with other members of society e.t.c - where's that happening mate?

debrief08:

Wow, someone opens a thread so people can share their pain and experiences and learn from each other, How to survive, what to do, where to go and you come with this?

Have fun, hope it will be worth it

The family section is meant to be a safe heaven, there is even a suicide watch thread here, nothing wrong with an experience sharing thread for abused men and women, how does that become a pity party club?
Do you know how many people you have silenced?
If you are looking for fun and play, am sure you know the sections to go to.

omawaga ke epele o.Olorun afunyin ni alafia,okada,oya drive me to celebrity section

dowjones: sorrystories.com! I will not mind standing as the bad guy but i'll drop my 2 cents.

Any matured mind will know, it is wrong to listen to one side of a story, especially the WOMAN'S side. Laced with tears and self-righteousness, a woman WILL never say what REALLY triggered the abuse. I AM AGAINST ANY FORM FORM OF ABUSE but some men are not particularly diplomatic or patient. The woman must have seen these traits during courtship and early parts of the marriage yet they still dont know how to handle thier man.

Men who exhibit "abusive" traits are usually victims of extremely strict upbringing, where perfection is required at all times or they've been played by women (ex-girlfriends). Men like this will transfer this "discipline" or pain to his household if that part of him is triggered.

I grew up in a home where my Dad constantly abused my mom verbally,he'd leave the house for months but he made sure we had more than enough. I grew up hating him and this hate remains but even as a child i knew MY MOM WAS USUALLY THE CAUSE ! (RIP to her soul but she was the cause). She was forgetful and careless and he was a perfectionist. her carelessness caused a fire that burned our house and 2 houses on our street (and this is is one of the many things)
There must be days ur husband is sincerely loving and "normal". Ask him what you do that pisses him off and after that, tell him you will change but he has to stop the abuses for the sake of the kids. (asking what pisses him off works like magic)

I have talked too much..and its a sign of the end times!

No matter the level of your dad's perfection,it can never justify physical abuse(I know your dad's own was verbal).
We can create another thread and discuss women being better wives and persons in general. This one is about husbands beating their wives. It can NEVER be justified.

jollyqu: I just think swag queen can learn from my case.
I have been married for 15years and was constantly abused by my H, was not working for 1st 4 yrs of our marriage. I worked from yr 4 to yr 10 and then lost my job. When i was working, he was spending his money on other things and refuse to take care of the house. When I lost my job, he will abuse me verbally for asking for anything from him. He beats me and lock me outside to sleep in the compound.

I have caught him sleeping with my maid in the night and he said i am at fault, if i have finished all his sexual urge by giving him 12hrs or more, he will have no more energy to meet my maid, he sleeps with any small girl and even cleaners around. He is at a managerial level in a bank, good looking and very quite looking.

Two years ago, during one of the episodes, i went to our pastor who called him as usual and he told him he cannot stop beating me, then i knew i have to act fast.

1. I prayed and told God i want to act now, i dont want my action to lead to divorce but i want a solution, however if divorce is the only way out, then so be it.
2. I reported him to a human right organisation here is Nigeria who wrote him a letter, and threaten to charge him to court and inform his employer of his acts, he called my pastor and threaten to kill me if the human right group should do any of such. So he maintain his distance from me. He left home for a while and then came back.
3. I dont talk to my family about his act, but now i did. My brothers and sisters called a warned him never to try it again.
4. I prayed to start a new job or business, no job was coming and no money to start a business. I told him i want to sell my car which i was giving as payoff from my previous employer. He refused but i insisted, i waited for him for 4 months to suggest something else i can do but when it was obvious he did not want me to do anything, i took the car for sale. He came there and paid for the car and took possession. I had my cash and started my business with lots of prayer and fasting.

Now my business has started doing well, he returned the car back to me. He still sleeps around, but i am praying and i try to look away. It now surprise him that i have ignore him. One day i heard him praying , God help me to change, dont give up on me, dont let my time of grace expire.

My husband is still very far from what a good man should be, I knew i cannot make him to change, but I have the power to change.

He pays the children schools fees now,no more abuse. He tries to use verbal abuse, but i warned him i will give him some response that will make him to cry. Since he cannot beat me for the fear of the human right group and my family, he has stopped.

We leave like two strangers in the house now, only talk when it is important but it sure better than the abuse.

We are now learning how to relate without trying to dominate.

God bless you. You did the right thing. Sometime, I want to blame the people being abused sef but I know I am not supposed to. What is all this nonsense talk about society that only exists in the mind. Just get a job, become financially independent and move on with your life. You may not be able to change him but you can change yourself.

jennykadry:

UJu that's the point. It's too late to teach them. The society has already instilled it In their brain that they cannot survive without a man.


Even when parents teach their children otherwise, the effect society have on them gradually subdues what they have been taught by their parents. It's like a strong force.

The same nigeria that now encourages child marriage?

I still believe there is hope for our sisters. Rome was not built in a day. It takes a while to condition a mind from its previous belief.

kadman:

Says YOUR religion, which the OP might not share. Have you not learnt not to force your religion on others yet?

Christianity is more than a religion it is the only Life u can live and get to Heaven,if u genuinely and wholeheartedly FOLLOW CHRIST,i cant force anyone but i can only tell them He that hath an ear let him hear.

swag queen:

I sure will....

@debrief,vanitty and bellong,thanks for your support.

@kulyie,my prayer is that nobody experiences the kind of pain most of us go through in the name of marriage.

But you chose to endure the pain

Omo_Alata:

I still believe there is hope for our sisters. Rome was not built in a day. It takes a while to condition a mind from its previous belief.

As long as that country remains the way it is, there is no hope.

coogar:


not in a society where single women are seen as pröstitutes. are you aware some landlords would not rent their houses to single women of a marriageable age?

.

Yes, I'm aware of that. Are you also aware some landlords won't rent out house to single MEN. Their reasoning being their life isn't stable as of yet, a landlord might prefer a family to take a place as they would live in the house longer making it less hassle.
This isn't particular to Nigeria, I was passed on a house for a man and wife here in England for the reason above.

So now have we established that this can happen to men AND women.

coogar:

words hurt more than slaps & blows.

my chairman, i know say you be chairman but this one i no go gree with you o!
While both are hurtful,slaps and blows are the worst kind of abuse in my view.

Elevation: Christianity is more than a religion it is the only Life u can live and get to Heaven,if u genuinely and wholeheartedly FOLLOW CHRIST,i cant force anyone but i can only tell them He that hath an ear let him hear.

oh please, have you been to heaven before to know that only christian exits in there?

swag queen:



Its in him.he said the only language women understand is violence. He even bragged about beating up a girl in U.K.

Such men never came my way, why? The crace in my system will intimidate his own.

coogar:

and you don't think a child seeing her mother with different boyfriends can be affected? should a mother be concerned about her sëxual gratification at the expense of raising her kids the proper way?

i didn't read it - you know i am ray charles.

here we go again....
even uju thinks physical abuse is the only form of marital abuse. it's so tedious debating with you. words hurt more than slaps & blows.

1. There are different degrees to which a growing child can be affected . . .
Two scenarios here: a) A child growing up to see his loving single mother date a few men and finally start a r/ship with a man who loves and cherishes her, and maybe eventually marries her . . . b. A child growing up to see his mother being constantly beaten up by his father and helps consoles her afterwards . . . or worse, witness his father kill his mother!
Which of these two do you think will affect the child more? In your honest opinion!

2. I don't think physical abuse is the only form of abuse . . . . But when 'abuse' degenerates to violence, it becomes a matter of life and death. I witnessed a few falling out b/w my parents while growing up but not once did I see my dad hit my mum . . . no once!

Bottom line . . . . everybody should draw a line. I have drawn my one line . . . . I choose life!

Nashville:
What stupid society are we talking about here? Is it not the same society here on Nairaland. 90% of the people here have condemned it and 70% of people think she should get a job or leave.

I dont care about any society. One man married one woman. One man is beating one woman, which one concern society. Even Fashola has established a new law that makes it an offense punishable by jail term. Please lets stop talking about society. Is the society feeding her or wiping her tears? All this silly mindsets people have of some non-existent society. Its all in the mind. The society everyone has are family and a few close friends.

Defender of the brethren!

For the life of me, I do not know the 'society' cougar is referring to.

I have never seen a man or woman bulled on the streets because he/ she is divorced. what is my business with neighbors on the next street? (if I even know them sef)

Omo_Alata:

I don't get your point. are you saying only ungodly women can be abused, but as long as you have God, you cannot be. I don't see the relevant of religion in this matter

People suffer different kinds of challenges in life be they godly or not. But challenges should ultimately draw us closer to God our maker.

Marital challenge is a serious one and only God can perfectly solve it.
Nairaland WORLDLY counsel is useless cos it was God who instituted marriage.How can ordinary WORLDLY Nairalanders now know how to run or give advice about it?

The heart of her husband is in God's hands and you'll be surprised how a couple of prayers breaks him down completely and gets him on his knees crying and apologizing to his wife profusely.

Don't underestimate God!

jollyqu: I just think swag queen can learn from my case.
I have been married for 15years and was constantly abused by my H, was not working for 1st 4 yrs of our marriage. I worked from yr 4 to yr 10 and then lost my job. When i was working, he was spending his money on other things and refuse to take care of the house. When I lost my job, he will abuse me verbally for asking for anything from him. He beats me and lock me outside to sleep in the compound.

I have caught him sleeping with my maid in the night and he said i am at fault, if i have finished all his sexual urge by giving him 12hrs or more, he will have no more energy to meet my maid, he sleeps with any small girl and even cleaners around. He is at a managerial level in a bank, good looking and very quite looking.

Two years ago, during one of the episodes, i went to our pastor who called him as usual and he told him he cannot stop beating me, then i knew i have to act fast.

1. I prayed and told God i want to act now, i dont want my action to lead to divorce but i want a solution, however if divorce is the only way out, then so be it.
2. I reported him to a human right organisation here is Nigeria who wrote him a letter, and threaten to charge him to court and inform his employer of his acts, he called my pastor and threaten to kill me if the human right group should do any of such. So he maintain his distance from me. He left home for a while and then came back.
3. I dont talk to my family about his act, but now i did. My brothers and sisters called a warned him never to try it again.
4. I prayed to start a new job or business, no job was coming and no money to start a business. I told him i want to sell my car which i was giving as payoff from my previous employer. He refused but i insisted, i waited for him for 4 months to suggest something else i can do but when it was obvious he did not want me to do anything, i took the car for sale. He came there and paid for the car and took possession. I had my cash and started my business with lots of prayer and fasting.

Now my business has started doing well, he returned the car back to me. He still sleeps around, but i am praying and i try to look away. It now surprise him that i have ignore him. One day i heard him praying , God help me to change, dont give up on me, dont let my time of grace expire.

My husband is still very far from what a good man should be, I knew i cannot make him to change, but I have the power to change.

He pays the children schools fees now,no more abuse. He tries to use verbal abuse, but i warned him i will give him some response that will make him to cry. Since he cannot beat me for the fear of the human right group and my family, he has stopped.

We leave like two strangers in the house now, only talk when it is important but it sure better than the abuse.

We are now learning how to relate without trying to dominate.

some of these stories dey give he headache.
Some men dey make me shame.

jennykadry:

Such men never came my way, why? The crace in my system will intimidate his own.

LOL....he would not wanna die young na....

seriously, parents should raise up ladies who're proud of themselves. Let them know that you got their backs anytime, i'm not saying spoil them and all dt but let every girl know that she's a human being, 100% human like every other man out there.

I cannot imagine a man trying to beat me, no kidding, even if i'm in love (GOD FORBID), my dad would finish him before I say jack! HE DEY CRAZE

If ladies are brought up to respect themselves and be proud of who they are, ain't no man gonna come using them to learn KUNG FU....
The only surprise I have here is the part where @swag is a lawyer, seriously

Zik4zik: Swag queen and the rest of you that has been abused in you relationship I am really sorry about your situation. These are my advice and you must take it seriously no matter how difficult it seemed. For those of you that are still dating please end the relationship immediately. But for Swag queen and the others here who are married please NEVER EVER leave your home no matter what. You swore for better for worse... DON'T EVER LEAVE YOUR MARITAL HOME FOR ANY REASON. The mind of an abusive married man works like a clock, it eventually gets back to its right senses but if you had already left the house by then lots of irreparable damages might have been done such as him already impregnating someone else or having a kid. I am not saying you should let him beat you to death. No... That's not my intention. The truth is that a man in such situation is actually suffering, he needs help, he knows what he is doing is wrong but he can't help himself, he wants to stop but he can't. Haven't you ever wondered why he beats you with so much hate and rage yet he feels extremely insecure and monitors your every move. He feels insecure because deep inside him you remain his source of strength, he knows he is lost without you. As a wife in such situation, you need to put him in prayers, when you pray, cry in your prayers and let him hear you pray and cry but try not to be too loud. Let him hear you pray for his protection and success, do this every night(2am) for seven days. And for God sake you already knows he beats you when you talk back at him so PLEASE PLEASE and PLEASE from today let him have his way, don't talk back at him, when you findout that he has slept with other ladies keep it to yourself and talk to your God about it. Once you learn to control your tongue, you have taken away his strength over you because there is nothing for him to hold as a reason for beating you. These are simple logic that works and if you can continue like this for 3weeks or more he will gradually revert to his old loving self. But when you confront him or talk back at him, the devil seizes an opportunity to take over his rage and he gets uncontrollably angry towards you and the beating starts again. Please read this post over and over until you master all that I have written in it. Remember, before he married you there were over a million women on earth but he chose you because you meant every thing to him but now he has a cloud over his eyes and you must help him get past his weaknesses by praying for him and keeping your tongue in check... DON'T TALK BACK

This is the advice 25calibre has been looking for. The advice that is much more plausible in that una Nigeria! The women that are divorced in Nigeria must be from Jupiter.

Hehehe!

As a human being you know when your rights have been trampled upon. If you think you would make heaven with bitterness in your heart, you need a second think coming. It is not worth it to live your life walking on eggshells around anyone.

Swag queen enough of the pity party, time to be practical! It's your choice to make as a dependent to the whims of a mere mortal like yourself or be the determiner of your self actualization!

Won't go into any freaking diatribe of who starts what (that's the line of reasoning apologists veer into even when it's glaring that serial abusers actually abuse WEAK people they can control, they rarely try this to terrible women like themselves), the issue here is what are you willing to do to get out of such a situation.

Do something.

mbulela:
my chairman, i know say you be chairman but this one i no go gree with you o!
While both are hurtful,slaps and blows are the worst kind of abuse in my view.

words can make people commit suicide o....many kids would tell you they would rather take the cane than to be tongue/lashed. words can erode one's confidence to the extent of feeling totally worthless......

kadman:
Yes, I'm aware of that. Are you also aware some landlords won't rent out house to single MEN. Their reasoning being their life isn't stable as of yet, a landlord might prefer a family to take a place as they would live in the house longer making it less hassle.
This isn't particular to Nigeria, I was passed on a house for a man and wife here in England for the reason above.

all the man needs is to lower his age & he's good to go. of course, english people love the family man but we are talking about nigeria here. divorcees are not haunted in england.....

So now have we established that this can happen to men AND women.

not in nigeria, i am afraid.....
men are free to live their life as they deem fit.

bukatyne:

Defender of the brethren!

For the life of me, I do not know the 'society' cougar is referring to.

I have never seen a man or woman bulled on the streets because he/ she is divorced. what is my business with neighbors on the next street? (if I even know them sef)

I think Coogar still lives in 1913, when people fetched water at rivers and knew everyones name in the village e.t.c (I'm sure even then women were going back to their parents home).

Is it these days when you get back from your bank job at 9pm half asleep and don't know the name of the people even living in your building?

As I said the only stigma I can think of isn't society but religious ties (either religion).

coogar:

words can make people commit suicide o....many kids would tell you they would rather take the cane than to be tongue/lashed. words can erode one's confidence to the extent of feeling totally worthless......

and you have not heard of men who beat their wives (girlfriends) into a coma or even to death?

kadman:

As I said in other posts you sound like a very intelligent man. Your heart isn't just in the right place.

No two playing field are the same, not even in the same town! I'm not saying OP would become a billionare (who's to say she couldn't?). I'm providing an example of a woman who went through the same thing and survived.

FYI isn't it better to alive and you not see your children for a few years than the alternative. . possible death?

FYI 2, all we are providing her is advice and alternative scenarios. We don't know her, so I doubt anyone here is going to her house, putting a gun to her head and forcing her to leave the marriage.

FYI 3,Ms Rowlings was clinically depressed and homeless and had to live with external family. So techincally her society did not provide for her.

FYI 4, I hope you take this on board, but you should never advice anyone male or female to continue in any sort of living conditions which are harmful.

Thanks! I speak from what I know and what I've seen, and one thing I do know is that divorce isn't simply a silver bullet to abusive marriages in Nigeria, as they are in the west, a fact many people don't seem to understand.

You got valid points, I agree with them and I'm not saying she should stick around and get beaten to death, all I'm saying is she do some self-assessment, and try to fix what is broken, before discarding it.

I know Nigerian women very well, the bond between mother and children is unseverable, and to some women, being away from their kids equals death as well.

At the endof the day, she will make those choices herself based on what priorities she places higher.

mbulela:
my chairman, i know say you be chairman but this one i no go gree with you o!
While both are hurtful,slaps and blows are the worst kind of abuse in my view.

words can make people commit suicide o....many kids would tell you they would rather take the cane than to be tongue/lashed. words can erode one's confidence to the extent of feeling totally worthless......

kadman:
Yes, I'm aware of that. Are you also aware some landlords won't rent out house to single MEN. Their reasoning being their life isn't stable as of yet, a landlord might prefer a family to take a place as they would live in the house longer making it less hassle.
This isn't particular to Nigeria, I was passed on a house for a man and wife here in England for the reason above.

all the man needs is to lower his age & he's good to go. of course, english people love the family man but we are talking about nigeria here. divorcees are not haunted in england.....

So now have we established that this can happen to men AND women.

not in nigeria, i am afraid.....
men are free to live their life as they deem fit.

bukatyne:

Defender of the brethren!

For the life of me, I do not know the 'society' cougar is referring to.

I have never seen a man or woman bulled on the streets because he/ she is divorced. what is my business with neighbors on the next street? (if I even know them sef)

Seriously, I dont get this foolish talk about "what society will think?". Will I lose my job for being divorced? Some gossips will always talk about you, so their views are irrelivant. If you stay in an abusive marriage, they will gossip, if you leave, they will still gossip. People will always have an opinion about you but what matters is what you make out of your own life. I dont buy all this society talk. Unless we are talking of people that live in small villages in Osogbo, Nnewi or Damaturu!

25Calibre:


Thanks! I speak from what I know and what I've seen, and one thing I do know is that divorce isn't simply a silver bullet to abusive marriages as they are in the west, a fact many people don't seem to understand.

You got valid points, I agree with them and I'm not saying she should stick around ang get beaten to death, all I'm saying is she do some self-assessment, and try to fix what is broken, before discarding it.

I know Nigerian women very well, the bond between mother and children is unseverable, and to some women, being away from their kids equals death as well.

At the endof the day, she will make those choices herself based on what priorities she places higher.

I'm glad we could come to some sort of common ground. I agree with the highlighted. Also many valid points.

OP - I'm sorry your thread became a debate ground, but oh well it's well meant.