swag queen:


He's presently left the house. The abusive words are way beyond what you can imagine. He loves
his kids to death and has said he would take care of them if i decide to leave with them.

A friend of mine has gone thru what you are experiencing, although I don't know the degree of abuse you have experienced. Hers was very traumatic, she almost committed suicide and she had 3 kids. The husband would spit vile words,beat her, lock her outside sometimes for days. At a point I felt it was stupid remaining in the marriage but my sister, she persevered. I salute some women and what they go thru, God knows i'm not as patient.The husband would be gone for several weeks and he doesn't care about the kids. The Lady in question was a schoolteacher and she had to move back to her parent's house. According to her, the experience made her very sober and she returned to God crying her heart out.
According to her she fasted and prayed continually for a period of time, and after a while things changed. The husband came back begging, and they are back now together and the abuse has stopped. So different strokes for different folks.

While some will seek a divorce, some will go for counselling, some are separated , some go for praying and fasting. It all depends on how redeemable you still think the marriage is. God be your Guide.

pongwa: When you marry for the wrong reasons, these are examples of what you get. Don't mean to add salt to your injuries but judging from the case of the 'lawyer' what kept you from working was because your husband is 'super' rich and you felt you are in your 'promised' land. If u had married a struggling man, i bet something go don dey ya account na..... The truth is bitter we are the architect if our own problems...... But my candid advice is to bear your cross cos now you are married. Take a stand against the beatings by reporting him to authorities. [s]But leaving your matrimonial home is what i don't support[/s]

She can leave temporarily/permanently but she must remain SINGLE for as long as the separation lasts or as long as he is alive.

That's what the Bible says.

Once a woman is married, she's forever married. Otherwise, she toys with hell fire.

The man may remarry but God will fight for her and reward her reverence for his word/law accordingly.

God's mill may be slow but it grinds exceedingly smooth.

Our God is a just God.

#NoApologies

coogar:

well - a man with a razor tongue would kowtow her but how many men are blessed with a caustic tongue? most men talk less and let their actions speak for them.

verbal abuse can lead to provocation. provocation can lead to a physical abuse. both parties must embrace mutual respect. it's impossible for a man to wake up to start beating his wife without any reason. i will never believe such tales.

I'm not against mutual respect, but using 'tongue-lashing' as an excuse to batter a 9-month old pregnant woman is quite lame!

Please if he kills her, what will become of the rest of his life? All because she 'tongue-lashed' him!

Actions should lead to equal/similar consequences.

Biko 'tongue'lashing' does not justify beating a woman; I refuse to accept that!

samyan12:

Rubbish! Believe this at your own peril. True husband ko. It is very possible to marry wrongly.If a woman's husband dies and she remarries, does that mean the new husband isn't a 'true husband'?

u said "If he dies" not that he is still alive and u go ahead to have another man thats Adultery.

coogar:

well - a man with a razor tongue would kowtow her but how many men are blessed with a caustic tongue? most men talk less and let their actions speak for them.

verbal abuse can lead to provocation. provocation can lead to a physical abuse. both parties must embrace mutual respect. it's impossible for a man to wake up to start beating his wife without any reason. i will never believe such tales.

So because a spouse has a caustic tongue, the other should stoop to his/her level and start exchanging words ? that's just wrong. I repeat nothing justifies hitting your spouse

coogar:

well - a man with a razor tongue would kowtow her but how many men are blessed with a caustic tongue? most men talk less and let their actions speak for them.

verbal abuse can lead to provocation. provocation can lead to a physical abuse. both parties must embrace mutual respect. it's impossible for a man to wake up to start beating his wife without any reason. i will never believe such tales.

Bros, please dont talk like that ok. We are not saying he is a mad man but cant he talk about it? If you wife offends you, must you beat her everytime. Does this same guy beat up his boss at work everytime he is offended? Does he beat up his customers etc? Why is she the only one he beats up. Its because he know he can get away with it. Poster said the man's sister was beaten up by her own husband and he and his brothers went to beat up his sister's husband. So this man know that it is wrong to beat your spouse.

If we resort to violence for everyone that offends us, then the whole world will be chaotic. The man is a maniac period! My wife offends me sometimes and sometimes I offend her too but it does not get violent! Please stop defending the indefensible!

coogar:

not all men are abusive....
some families are happy with only the husband bringing in the bacon with the wife taking care of the home front!

the problem is - nigerian women think physical abuse is the only form of abuse. married women in that country tonguelash their spouses and they expect a bouquet in return.

when a woman provokes a man, she should be ready to face the consequences. I don't tolerate any form of violence and by the same token, i don't tolerate any form of verbal abuse as well. mutual respect towards each other is the way to go.....




which society? your society! the irony is it is the same female folk that would use her divorce status as a whip to flog her.



not in a society where single women are seen as pröstitutes. are you aware some landlords would not rent their houses to single women of a marriageable age?



i really don't think you stay in Nigeria....you either stay in Chad or Douala.

I am from Mars and stay in Jupiter Lol!

I am quite young but I have seen enough to know that the only person who really cares about you is you.

As she is staying, is the same society not ridiculing her? I bet some women whose husbands pound them secretly will still be pointing fingers at her laughing.

coogar:

not all men are abusive....
some families are happy with only the husband bringing in the bacon with the wife taking care of the home front!

the problem is - nigerian women think physical abuse is the only form of abuse. married women in that country tonguelash their spouses and they expect a bouquet in return.

when a woman provokes a man, she should be ready to face the consequences. I don't tolerate any form of violence and by the same token, i don't tolerate any form of verbal abuse as well. mutual respect towards each other is the way to go.....




which society? your society! the irony is it is the same female folk that would use her divorce status as a whip to flog her.



not in a society where single women are seen as pröstitutes. are you aware some landlords would not rent their houses to single women of a marriageable age?



i really don't think you stay in Nigeria....you either stay in Chad or Douala.

I am from Mars and stay in Jupiter Lol!

I am quite young but I have seen enough to know that the only person who really cares about you is you.

As she is staying, is the same society not ridiculing her? I bet some women whose husbands pound them secretly will still be pointing fingers at her laughing.

25Calibre:


I'm not an abuser and neither do I condone it. JK Rowlings had a different playing field, a place where there were people willing to stand up for her. Regardless of principles or driving force, if your society doesn't provide you with the necessities and a conducive environment, you are going nowhere.

The OPs situation is a quintessential case of the devil or the deep blue sea, there is no happy ending in this. She would have to sacrifice one for the other.

Considering how lawless Nigeria is, this OP goes through with some if the advises I've read here, I guarantee you she won't see her kids again till they are of age to seek her out.

So divorce might mean freedom, but at what expense? That's a choice she alone has to make.

A very important tip for surviving in Nigeria is - Do not fight with people above your station because when the chips are down, no one would save you.

As I said in other posts you sound like a very intelligent man. Your heart isn't just in the right place.

No two playing field are the same, not even in the same town! I'm not saying OP would become a billionare (who's to say she couldn't?). I'm providing an example of a woman who went through the same thing and survived.

FYI isn't it better to alive and you not see your children for a few years than the alternative. . possible death?

FYI 2, all we are providing her is advice and alternative scenarios. We don't know her, so I doubt anyone here is going to her house, putting a gun to her head and forcing her to leave the marriage.

FYI 3,Ms Rowlings was clinically depressed and homeless and had to live with external family. So techincally her society did not provide for her.

FYI 4, I hope you take this on board, but you should never advice anyone male or female to continue in any sort of living conditions which are harmful.

Ujujoan:
That's where you are wrong . . . . Divorce will definitely mean freedom(no 'might' here); and might even mean her own life.

at whose expense? the kids!
if there are no kids involved, a woman should leave an abusive spouse immediately. however, kids throw a different spin into the issue.

If the man can still beat her mercilessly at 9-months pregnancy, it means he's a brute and is capable of killing her sef.

you really believe any man would brutalise his wife carrying his child? you watch too much nollywood....

Better for her to leave now and see her kids later than stay and die in the process!

leave her kids with who?

I have a cousin whose husband battered her to death so I'm talking from first class experience . . . . he's married to some other woman now and God knows what has become of their poor son!

perhaps your cousin was a troublesome wife.

bukatyne:

I am from Mars and stay in Jupiter Lol!

I am quite young but I have seen enough to know that the only person who really cares about you is you.

As she is staying, is the same society not ridiculing her? I bet some women whose husbands pound them secretly will still be pointing fingers at her laughing.

EXACTLY!!!

The hypocrisy in this country is frightening . . . . that's why you have to live your life for yourself, and not dwell on 'what people will think'!

We all have problems in our marriages, but it's important to draw the line.

Virgin Finder:

She can leave temporarily/permanently but she must remain SINGLE for as long as the separation lasts or as long as he is alive.

That's what the Bible says.

Once a woman is married, she's forever married. Otherwise, she toys with hell fire.

The man may remarry but God will fight for her and reward her reverence for his word/law accordingly.

God's mill may be slow but it grinds exceedingly smooth.

Our God is a just God.

#NoApologies

Why's the God being brought into this, who said she's Christian? Even if she was born a Christian, who said she's a practising one. Did she mention this somewhere? If she did please let me know.

Or is this another case of Nigerians using Christianity to be stupid?

Sincerely, its 101% best to remain single than being in an abusive relationship!.......cos a stitch in time saves much!!

coogar:

at whose expense? the kids!
if there are no kids involved, a woman should leave an abusive spouse immediately. however, kids throw a different spin into the issue.



you really believe any man would brutalise his wife carrying his child? you watch too much nollywood....



leave her kids with who?



perhaps your cousin was a troublesome wife.

So you are saying she desrved to die and her son deserved to live the rest of his life without a mother

Did you not read the woman's post? Her husband beat her up when she was just a few weeks to delivering their son!

Oga Coogar pls try and use your brains for once in your life!

One thing I know for sure.... She would never set her eyes on those kids again until they're old enough to seek her on their own. Mark my words.

**sigh** Powerful public Figure things.

coogar:

at whose expense? the kids!
if there are no kids involved, a woman should leave an abusive spouse immediately. however, kids throw a different spin into the issue.



you really believe any man would brutalise his wife carrying his child? you watch too much nollywood....



leave her kids with who?



perhaps your cousin was a troublesome wife.

kids or no kids, a woman should leave an abusive spouse immediately. some of these grown men learn this from watching their mothers stay with their abusive fathers and grow up thinking it is right. The smart kids that know it is wrong may end being scarred for life especially the females. Coogar come back to Nigeria, these things happen in broad daylight, men beating their pregnant wives, its not all nollywood.

coogar:

at whose expense? the kids!
if there are no kids involved, a woman should leave an abusive spouse immediately. however, kids throw a different spin into the issue.

So you want her kids to grow up to becomes abusers and abusee's in the future

IMO it's when kids are involved that the stakes are higher . . . .

bukatyne:
I am from Mars and stay in Jupiter Lol!
I am quite young but I have seen enough to know that the only person who really cares about you is you.

everything in nigeria is about the society. 80% of what you do is because of what the society dictates. your elaborate wedding is for the society otherwise why can't nigerian women go to a court with 4-5 witnesses and get over the ish. all you hear is make up artiste, aso-ebi and live cows.....many newlyweds spent their salary of 5 years in one day to please the society...

As she is staying, is the same society not ridiculing her? I bet some women whose husbands pound them secretly will still be pointing fingers at her laughing.

the ridicule is bearable as it is. if she leaves him, then it's a different tale entirely. you cannot compare what obtains in the west with africa. it's easy to come on the internet and talk a good game.

coogar:

everything in nigeria is about the society. 80% of what you do is because of what the society dictates. your elaborate wedding is for the society otherwise why can't nigerian women go to a court with 4-5 witnesses and get over the ish. all you hear is make up artiste, aso-ebi and live cows.....many newlyweds spent their salary of 5 years in one day to please the society...



the ridicule is bearable as it is. if she leaves him, then it's a different tale entirely. you cannot compare what obtains in the west with africa. it's easy to come on the internet and talk a good game.

I saw a thread where someone asked of traditional marriages must be done in the village? Quite a good question, we can call it culture or give it whatever name but the truth is, people do it to please society

Ujujoan:
So you want her kids to grow up to becomes abusers and abusee's in the future

IMO it's when kids are involved that the stakes are higher . . . .

if she leaves, her kids would be worse off....they would also grow up watching different men bouncing in & out of their mother's bed. which is worse?

steph7: kids or no kids, a woman should leave an abusive spouse immediately. some of these grown men learn this from watching their mothers stay with their abusive fathers and grow up thinking it is right. The smart kids that know it is wrong may end being scarred for life especially the females. Coogar come back to Nigeria, these things happen in broad daylight, men beating their pregnant wives, its not all nollywood.

should a man leave an abusive wife too? abandon the wife & kids in the house and go start afresh?

jennykadry:
I saw a thread where someone asked of traditional marriages must be done in the village? Quite a good question, we can call it culture or give it whatever name but the truth is, people do it to please society

the society dictates everything we do in nigeria otherwise why the need to please umuadas in a traditional marriage? my girlfriend's people want 5 apple laptops - i doubt there's internet in their village.

Ujujoan:

So you want her kids to grow up to becomes abusers and abusee's in the future

IMO it's when kids are involved that the stakes are higher . . . .

Except Oga coogar has changed but the last I read of him, he has never supported abuse.

Off Topic, Nigeria has made it difficult for people in abusive marriages to up themselves and move.

coogar:

the ridicule is bearable as it is. if she leaves him, then it's a different tale entirely. you cannot compare what obtains in the west with africa. it's easy to come on the internet and talk a good game.

No it's actually not! Thoughts like this is what keeps women in abusive homes till their death. I know several women who left abusive relationships or marriages where another woman was brought in - as far back as 50 years ago. I haven't heard of them being ridiculed. Could it be that it's actually you who judge these women and you mask your opinion as "society".

I do know some parents force their daughters into unhappy marriages and then force them to stay in it. I've noticed this is mostly to do with religion especially when said parents are senior member of churches.

kadman:

Why's the God being brought into this, who said she's Christian? Even if she was born a Christian, who said she's a practising one. Did she mention this somewhere? If she did please let me know.

Or is this another case of Nigerians using Christianity to be stupid?

God is the Almighty, The First and the Last he has the Power to do all things and at the end of the age all humans shall give account of all their deeds on earth to Him so God can be brought into the issue and dont forget Marriage is among the 22 Doctrines.

coogar:

everything in nigeria is about the society. 80% of what you do is because of what the society dictates. your elaborate wedding is for the society otherwise why can't nigerian women go to a court with 4-5 witnesses and get over the ish. all you hear is make up artiste, aso-ebi and live cows.....many newlyweds spent their salary of 5 years in one day to please the society...



the ridicule is bearable as it is. if she leaves him, then it's a different tale entirely. you cannot compare what obtains in the west with africa. it's easy to come on the internet and talk a good game.

Mr.,

I live in Nigeria so I talk with first hand experience...

I will await the person who will walk up to me to 'talk' because of a choice I made.

I guess when she dies, 'the society' will mock her and eat akara at her funeral.

Nairaland should be a sample to you: When a woman comes crying, it is 'pray, endure, wear tight pant, wear loose bra' etc.

When she dies, the same posters be like 'why did she not leave, marriage is not do or die' etc.

The truth is that anybody caring about what society says cannot succeed.

One musician of old sang about it ...'ko sogbon to le da, so siwa tole wu ... o maa le te aye lorun o!'

Don't mind my Yoruba... there is nothing you can do, there is no way you behave that you can please the society

Elevation: God is the Almighty, The First and the Last he has the Power to do all things and at the end of the age all humans shall give account of all their deeds on earth to Him so God can be brought into the issue and dont forget Marriage is among the 22 Doctrines.

Says YOUR religion, which the OP might not share. Have you not learnt not to force your religion on others yet?

coogar:

if she leaves, her kids would be worse off....they would also grow up watching different men bouncing in & out of their mother's bed. which is worse?



should a man leave an abusive wife too? abandon the wife & kids in the house and go start afresh?



the society dictates everything we do in nigeria otherwise why the need to please umuadas in a traditional marriage? my girlfriend's people want 5 apple laptops - i doubt there's internet in their village.

Yes!, he should leave the wife, but never abandon the kids, depending on the extent of the abuse, he can also take away the kids from their mother.

coogar:

if she leaves, her kids would be worse off....they would also grow up watching different men bouncing in & out of their mother's bed. which is worse?



should a man leave an abusive wife too? abandon the wife & kids in the house and go start afresh?

Different men 'bouncing in and out' of their mother's bed? What becomes of young widows nah . . . . they are doomed to a life of loneliness abi?

Do you even read through what you post?

And yes, if a man is being abused, he needs to leave for the sake of his sanity . . . Of course I doubt that a woman will be able to 'beat' a 9-month pregnant man!

kadman:

Why's the God being brought into this, who said she's Christian? Even if she was born a Christian, who said she's a practising one. Did she mention this somewhere? If she did please let me know.

Or is this another case of Nigerians using Christianity to be stupid?

She doesn't have to be born a Christian to become one.

If she is not yet a Christian, I hereby advise her to:

1. give her life to Jesus Christ,

2. start attending a Bible believing and following church,

and

3. seek wise christian counsel and not USELESS WORLDLY NAIRALAND counsel thereafter.

It's just a phase in her life. She's going to be fine by God's grace.

@bolded
GOD can be brought into anything.

And He is interested in every aspect of our lives.Don't be surprised.

jennykadry:

Except Oga coogar has changed but the last I read of him, he has never supported abuse.

Off Topic, Nigeria has made it difficult for people in abusive marriages to up themselves and move.

I understand his PoV oh, but we cannot keep encouraging women to roll over and take abuse because the 'society' will make life difficult for them.

If they die in the process, the same 'society' will wear aso ebi to their burial while they go back home and advice their own children not to end up like them!

Nigerian women need to be taught that life exists outside an abusive marriage . . . . too many lives have been lost already!

kadman:
No it's actually not! Thoughts like this is what keeps women in abusive homes till their death. I know several women who left abusive relationships or marriages where another woman was brought in - as far back as 50 years ago. I haven't heard of them being ridiculed. Could it be that it's actually you who judge these women and you mask your opinion as "society".

they made the decision to leave - they would be hesitant to tell you the abuses and gossips they get to hear about themselves. the nigerian society is judgemental.....some husbands would not even let their wives associate with a divorcee. hell, some mothers tell their married daughters not to keep friends with divorcees...it's that bad!

I do know some parents force their daughters into unhappy marriages and then force them to stay in it. I've noticed this is mostly to do with religion especially when said parents are senior member of churches.

well.....that's because they stayed when things were tough and these parents somehow believe their own children should be able to cope with the pressure as well. the abused mothers that stayed did it for their kids and most of them are reaping the benefits now......

kadman:

No it's actually not! Thoughts like this is what keeps women in abusive homes till their death. I know several women who left abusive relationships or marriages where another woman was brought in - as far back as 50 years ago. I haven't heard of them being ridiculed. Could it be that it's actually you who judge these women and you mask your opinion as "society".

I do know some parents force their daughters into unhappy marriages and then force them to stay in it. I've noticed this is mostly to do with religion especially when said parents are senior member of churches.

God bless you!

Divorce as a word might be relatively new but it's not new as an action.

Go to the villages and see women who packed out of their homes and married other men; men who kicked their wives out and married new wives. I do not know where the stigma is.

Is the label divorcee or separated on their foreheads or what?