Adexy,
I think it is okay whichever way we look at it.

But I need to ask you: Does begging and apologising mean the same to you?

If the guy was wrong and came back begging after three months, and the girl also upset him afterward, do you think the lady is loosing her prestige and honour if she say sorry? And do you expect the guy to beg her again for saying she was wrong?

We all reason differently. But let us be reasonable. For any genuine breakthrough to appear, the lady must also say "sorry!"

I have had encounter with such ladies who think saying "sorry" demean their womanhood after being told the act was wrong. I think anyone, male or female who think only of him/herself is not worth the trouble. I did not ask the lady to beg, I asked her to apologise. The two mean different thing to me.

@ adexxy
Everyone wants to be appreciated and loved. Stop struggling for love. Even if you guys would talk about what went wrong, heal yourself of this hurt and rebrand yourself. I would not even advise that you get into any other relationship if one comes along now cos you need self healing. Stop asking!!!

dis was the best piece of yur post which i think @diva must take to heart.

@ adexxy and all

one of the best words dat resolve conflicts are the words 'iam sorry' dis were the words i heard live from desmond tutu while in SA last december. like olana sed, does tellin him ow sorry she was for pullin dat stunt de-mean her?
or like i kip sermonin to my gal- dat if you say yu re sorry does anyone outside immediately sees dat on yur fore-hed and start laffing? no!
so dat yu apologise-yu will gain peace of mind and also the ability to resolve things and find answers to ailing questions dat torment you in a conflict-free atmosphere

@Olanajim,

Yes, there sure is a difference between begging and apologising. At this stage, i am of the opinion that it is going to be seen as begging because he thinks he is right. This is a matter of the heart, it is two ways. Is there no communication foreclosure here? if he is ready to talk, then you can talk of apologising not when you have to keep calling and even go out of your way to get his attention. If he does not give you, you are more heartbroken than you came? If the guy is ready to talk, then they can talk and she can apologise, go on her knees, do all a lady has to do for her man(if that is what she wants)

With the scenario she has played, do you think the guy would see things the way you are? I do not know this guy and would not pre empt him but i know that she will only get hurt the more if she goes to him. Let sleeping dogs lie. These things sure have a way of sorting themselves out but i would not advise that she should thread that path now or in the nearest future.

For crying out loud, she should get herself first, calm down and face whatever she wants to. Time heals the wound you know.

@isu ata,

Have you been reading my posts at all? Guess not.

@ topup

I am not saying men and women are completely different, but we analyse and process events differently.

If a woman cheats on a man, the man (usually) looks INWARDS. He thinks 'am I not satisfying her? Did I push her away? Is she happier with another person?'

If a man cheats on a woman, however, the woman (usually) thinks thus : 'Does he really love me? Why would he do that if he loved me?'

That, in my view, is a basic difference - but like Ola said, this will be a discussion for a separate thread.

I disagree completely with Ola though, I see NO REASON for reconciliation (at least at this time)

What you need to do is deep soul searching. LEARN from these three years you have spent (not wasted) with this guy. It will only be a waste if you REFUSE to learn and just get bitter and cynical about men like many women do.

You made mistakes in this relationship - acknowledge them and identify them clearly so you don't make the same mistakes

You did things right in this relationship - note them down and improve on them.

Your man had very deep flaws - poor communication, secretive nature and seeming disrespect for you. Watch out for these traits. Men who behave like this will likely do the same thing your man did. Avoid them.

I am sure you are a fantastic woman who any man will like to have. Do not beg him, MOVE ON! Most importantly LEARN from your mistakes and improve yourself. Don't get bitter and twisted, but get BETTER and your next relationship will show the progress you have made.

Get yourself together - don't be too alone, spend time with friends and try to enjoy yourself. Yes it will hurt, and you'll cry sometimes - use that to get over him, not to go back asking for more pain. You will get through this and become either BITTER or BETTER - the choice is yours.

Try read her replies to my questions and then reconcile them with your thinking.

It depend on how she go about it. It appear you still think she was write with fb thing. That is why you think she shouldn't bother to contact him. In this matter, she lose nothing if she apologise. You can say sorry to someone without having intention of going back to the relation. The power of saying sorry, as Isu ata said above is intense. It reduce tension and clear the way for dialogue. You can't talk when one of you believe he/she was right and even when something is wrong.

While, I recognize the danger of enforced re-union, I make bold to say that parting in peace is more glorifying that parting with festering wound. I don't know the guy either, but a guy that return to a relationship he left after 3 months, crying and begging deserve also to hear the word "sorry" when he was hurt.

Perhaps you are saying that a crying guy is a beautiful sight compared to an apologetic lady. Read the posts above and get further insight into the nature of the problem before making judgement.

You dont need prophesy on this girl.
Facebook lady comes first. . . you really dont need such a man girl. . .
Get a bloke who would prefer you to all the beautiful facebook ladies. . .

All i gatta say is: Girlly, always trust ya instincts

@ poster

if your question is where you went wrong then im afraid ive got something for u

I

forgave him after a while but still didn’t find answer as to why he could distance himself for that long without any reasonable reason to someone he claimed he loved. His reply to that was Sorry and it would never happen again.

[b]if i understand this properly, u forgave him and things were smooth again
y go digging in the first place?

you disrespected him because you gave him your word that everything  is ok only 4 u to start digging whichever means u employed doesn't matter

now, a lot of people esp. the females re trying to weigh out his direspect on u and vice versa then i ask; what did u do when u were disrespected?
Ans; u forgave him ,the antics, circumstances and methods not withstanding.
obviously he has this formular that if he screws up, comes begging ,you forgive and take him back,by so doing it becomes his leverage and he is using it properly
another question; when all these were going on, he begs and u forgive, giving him more power.

i still have another question for you; do u think that the story of where he was the past three months was so cool yet he concealed it? of course, he knows it will hurt that's precisely y he Neva told u.  amidst the Enigma, u still forgave him, meaning old things have past away, proving his formular right.

now you re  trying to use his leverage to find out wot u have  forgiven, does it make u a liar or not?

i still heard some pple saying that he is angry because he was caught, of course not, because

1  he knew wot he did
2 he knows how wrong it was for him to come begging
3 he trusted his spouse to her words meaning; even if u get to find out, u have forgiven me


i still have to clear anoda issue here, y is it that ladies always think that its only infidelity that undermines a rel.ship which can tantamount to break up?

y i asked is because a lot of pple think dat to some pple, disrespect is not enough reason to break up,

let me tell u a short story;
i was going out with this gal for a couple of years within which i was studying her and bringing myself in totality to her,
one faithful day, i met a new friend that told me of a buisness interest that may interest her so i wanted to hook them up

i called her and she told me she went to my buddys bar, it was normal but just that the place was a bit out of town so she wasn't expecting me to come, i rescheduled the meeting for a later date and my friend left, in the hse i was bored so decided to hang out

i called her again and she said she was still there but i didnt tell her i was comming, on getting there, she was no where to be found i asked the bar guy and some buddys and they said they have not seen her.
like 4hrs later she appeared when i asked, she said she was upstairs using my reservation for something she was working on, i fixed her a drink and went upstairs, on getting there, there was no sign that sme1 has been there 4 a week,

i asked the hotel attendant and he confirmed my fears and told me that she just left ,that she just told him dat ''we'' will be using the reservation dat evening ,dat she almost coerced him to let her sign and affix date and time which cud ave been an unused bill on me so the attendant refused and told her he will clear with me first,

i went straight to the bar and asked her again, where she was the past 4 hrs she repeated the same thing, oblivious of wot ive done,
i reiterated again and warned her that this was not a joke she still stood her ground

on our way home, i asked myself these questions  

1  what is it that she has done that she lied about it
2  and is fighting so hard to cover it up?

i now gave myself a simlpe answer, it is bad enough that im not supposed to know i didnt care again to find out the details becos i knew that she can always cook up stories
i called her up the next day and told her that its over
and she replied ''just like that''

so many of her friends that called me said i was already tired that i was looking for a break up opportunity, but i wasn't bothered

i told my friend also who said im nuts dat i have everytin to loose, that we have come a long way, that family one tin one tin blah blah blah

within that period, i was still battling with d love i had 4 her and all that but i still was avoiding her calls

a couple of weeks later, i was watching a movie with my friend when he called his gf and she said she was home so jokingly he asked me to dress up so he can pay his chick 2 give me a lap dance so we went 2 see her though she stays close. on getting 2 her flat. it was locked we tried her number severally but no response though it was ringing, we went back to my friends place called all her friends but no one knew her whereabouts,
i was worried till the next day when i called my friend he told me that her phone was stolen so out of fear she left her flat for a cousins' place.

my friend bought the story but i just told myself, another cheap lie, how could they snatch ur phone in such serene Estate just 2 blocks from his place and nobody heard shit? i just felt like it aint my business. so i didn't even tell my friend only 4 him to call me in the office and told me that he saw the phone in her bag dropping her off on her way 2 work but he ignored it.

so the question is where were you the previous nite and wot did u do dat is so bad that u needed a lie to cover it up?
i just advised him to watch her closely,
few months later, one of our guys dat helped her secure the job told him that the news is everywhere that she is dating their CEO, dat his secretary caught them kissing in the hall way.
he now broke up with her when he came complaining, i simply told him he couldn't have ignored that phone saga.

everything about infidelity comes with signs, the more signs u ignore, the closer u are to a heart break also most gals re bad players simply becos they have not been practicing so they will always leave u with a clue.

personally, i care about my respect more than love, i see it that when you respect me, you have placed me where i belong and that gives me the emotional stability to grow affection for you, trust you then nuture it to love, so once you derail i may not be that generous to see the end,

oh!! did i 4get? while my ex was still sending me forgiveness text messages, she was found three times having launch dates with one looser that sees me as a threat in the office when i spoke with guy he told me that she told him that we re not married so she is free to do as she likes,
then i thanked God 4 working with the first sign.

Your case is quite different but i just want to clear that impression that not every thing you forgive even God himself does not forgive the sin against the holy spirit.

MY ADVIC;
YOU RE LONG OVERDUE TO BREAK UP



[/b]

@ olanajim

u said and i quote

However, before you return to him ask yoursele:
1. Do you really love this guy?
2. Before the picture panorama, did he show enough to indicate that he loves you?
3. What are your weaknesses, and what are his? Can it be improved upon?
3. What do you want from the relationship? Can you guess what he want from you?
4. Finally, every relationship carry a measure of risk, are you ready for it? If you can, then go ahead and work on rebuilding the relationship WITH YOUR EYES and HEART WIDE OPEN. That way, you won't be hurt again.

i strongly disagree with you
what do u take love for ?
some blanket people hide under to hurt the feelings of others abi
when an egg is bad it is bad there re no two ways to that
dont make this sound like one underscipted Nigerian movie, this is reality 4 christ sake

does her going back guarantee her happiness? the answer is no
the guy is a recidivist and as such should be treated like one
ur managing him all these while has brought nothing but pains
he is just spoiling another good mans chance

u re making it sound like the gal is less privileged or something that she doesn't deserve to be happy.

hmmnnn,
oga philips -in as much as i agree with some of yur principles some i dont agree to

why do you pple think sayin sorry n apologising is beggin? you guys simply dont get it

@philips
if i get yur comments right, i will be right in sayin dat you wnt be thrilled at the stunts diva pulled and becos you cherish your respect-you wld call it quits abi?-no qualms

now hia is someone wu all sed and done has two options which are;

1. apologise to create a pleasant scenario to determine what is or wat went wrong in dis relationship- which will in turn lead to two things;
a. discover the problem,profer a solution and muv on with her life
b. discover the problem,profer a solution and make the relationship work (o boy its been three years-wia she wan start again-wen evil men plenty ousyd )

and the result would be a win win situation for her. y? she wld be able to leave with her self respect and hed well hung-like my,
with a certain peace of mind dat assures a brighter future

2.get angry, forget about dis guy, hav nothing to do with him again and beget the ffg;
a. be miserable for a long time to come-say a yr, 2yrs or even more
b. be miserable for a long while, become a man hater wu she sees notin gud in men,eventually become a pple hater becos she never wld beliv dias
any gud in anyone and i cld go on and on and on about ow miserable she will become

and the result hia will also be------ she will eventually get over the hurt but in a miserable way and she wld not have gained anytin from dis whole ordeal. she wld only come out cynical like wat most women always blamin men for dia misfortunes not knowin 80% of the fault is dias

I wish i have energy to talk more,

Well, I have said my own, there is nothing about love that make it msyterous, we choose to make it so,

it just look like philips and co didnt get the point, if indeed you know about love, is break up the best way to show that one know about love?

Anyway, I will comment later, if I want to,

pessimism lead no one to no where faster than bullets,

The only thing i would advise you is that,
if you love the guy dont quit, move on with him no matter wht he is doing.
Do the normal things you always do to him that is being kind to him no matter wht.
Stil show that you love and care for him.
On a very good mood of his, show him his mistake.
Dont use war to demonstrate your hangar.

You knw now is becaming Nigerian culture that a man cannot date one man even when there get married there will still be cheating on thier wife/wives. Anothing is that staying for that years is not an easy thing ooooo.
Be guarded. Dont let any one push you to do anything like quiting whn you did not choose to do such.  Because women will advise their fellow woman to quit thier relationship in the name of "if i was there one/person" meanwhile come to face the reality their men has done the worse of wht yours has done but there still endure.

Thanks you all for your advice but I still don't agree he is mad to this extent just because i put a picture of us on fb with a different just for a day. There is more to this that he is very mad.

@Ubong2020
I love him yes but it's not about me quitting and moving. His reaction/attitude to me is demeaning and humilating. Though I don't agree it's just because of the fake name n all, he is mad at something more, and I still apologised and want to communicate wit him very well.

@Isuata
I agree with the first option

@jp Phillips
It wasnt just about him coming back begging and I didn't go digging. I only put our pic with a fake name yes for whoever to see that he is with someone and whatever reactions I get would make it easier for me. It was just a day thing. and i did find out more than i bargained for with even his reaction. This is too much for just this.

@Olanajim
I agree if I'm at fault i should say sorry which I did, though I'm not sure I'm actually the cause and he should be able to talk to me.

@Debosky and Adexxy
Thanks a lot, I agree even if I find out or whatever I do, I have to heal myself

@Isu ata,
I goes with you on those options. That is the natural ones she will get anyway.

@jp,
I didnt read every part of your post when I replied. But I just read it now and I finally get where you are coming from.

It is customary for people that have experienced one disappointment or the other in relationship to use their cases as a yardstick for making judgement on other people. Much as I agree that experience is the best teacher, I am always against blanket judgement. That was why, I neither condemned the lady nor joined in calling the guy a cheat. I understand his psychological state very well, having, studied similar case before.

In your case jp, you didnt bother to find out what happened, because you are a man. A lady once told me(between sisterwoman and karmaMOD), on topup thread, that if it were men, that catch a woman like that, they won't blink twice before dumping her. And you know what? You lived up to that!

But your case and the on-going case can't be compared.

Once I was talking to a lady with dating intent and I started entertaining doubt about her, I took an unannounced break. She was worrying and calling, but I used the break to evaluate her & myself. I concluded it can't work, so I after a month, I invited her over and broke the news! She was sad, but I assured her I did it for her own good. We are still friend today and she is married. I understand not every man would like to break such news. Most people would not want to let go even when they know it can't work.

The part of me you quoted above was unfortunately misquoted. They are questions I asked. And it show that you didn't read the core issue before passing judgement.

@Debosky,
when you read the lady very well, you will discover that "they are still in relationship." That is the point many people seem to miss. They have reconciled, according to her, she was just looking for an answer to why he was mad over the fb issue. And that answer is NOT on NAIRALAND!

The answer is in that guy!

@Olanajim

We are not talking now.That's even the main point. After yelling at me and calling me names, he hung up and that's it even through text messages.

After you went to fb?

Yes, that's why he was yelling. I think he and the lady had spoken or something. He didn't even hear my side or want to communicate properly.

Well, I am afraid, things may not be what you thought.

I will have loved to find out myself what went wrong by communicating with the guy on fb as an impartial third person. But, I have decided not to carry people's problems home again. Chei, it can be hellish!

Can you help us describe this your guy. What is he like and what are the positives and negatives in him? He must have a good side that made you willing to let him back. And he may also have the bad side.

Even you, will have your own negative side. In fact, I have spotted two of them on the thread.

@Olanajim

Lol please tell me what negative sides of me u've seen on this thread

I prefare to be a goodbearer!

But your positive side among others were desire to let go and take him back, and I noticed, that inspite of everything, you have not called him bad names on this thread! That is seldom found in the people that have been hurt. They come around and paint their partners black while hidding their own bloody part. That side of you is probably why people concluded you are a nice lady. And you are!

On a lighter note, I suggests you give him space for a while. Men don't like to be put underpressure that way.

I am a moody guy too (sometimes). Except that I know when to break my silence.

We will chat on YIM if I have the time. But for now, Isu ata made a good suggestion. However, before you execute it, take a break. Maybe a week. I don't know why I said this, but I know that during that period, you will have regained your energy.

What should you do during the break? Be positive. Convince yourself that if he is meant for you, things will work out and if he is not, you will get a better man. Do what debosky said. Mingle with friends (not the 'dump his ass' campaigners but friends that discuss something else that took your mind off men). Read positive book. Get this book "How to stop worry and start living" by Dale Carnigie or Tough times never last by Robert Schuler. They cost little. The former was what I read when I was in the midst of Jos riot years ago. The later is everywhere under Ikeja bridge. There is no way, you will read either of them and you will have time to think of negative things. You will be astounded at the result. Pray too. A better guy may turn up during the period! But don't vent your anger on menfolks, it will aggravate your situation.

We shall continues to breathe while our tormentors are exterminated!

@diva your man is ova reactin for reasons best known to him. If you have sincerely made efforts to say sorry and he is stil behaving this way i think he has something to hide. Like i said there is more to this than meets the eye. Just know one thing any solution you try to employ to solve this confusion, let it be for the sake of peace and a clear conscience, not for love. Like my first post there are times to think with the heart this is certainly not one of them. U need to do what is right by seeking for peace. Then re evaluate the whole scenario from a more calm perspective. You've had three years of experience not relationship. Personally i can't be @ peace if i have a misunderstanding with my baby for even an hour irrespective of who is wrong, just do your best to make peace and if he keeps over reacting then move on with your life cos his not your man he is just someone you've been with. Let the hurt go and leave him to fate. If truely you are saying the truth fate has a way of paying back. Peace

Kingsleyinfo:

@diva your man is ova reactin for reasons best known to him. If you have sincerely made efforts to say sorry and he is stil behaving this way i think he has something to hide. Like i said there is more to this than meets the eye. Just know one thing any solution you try to employ to solve this confusion, let it be for the sake of peace and a clear conscience, not for love. Like my first post there are times to think with the heart this is certainly not one of them. U need to do what is right by seeking for peace. Then re evaluate the whole scenario from a more calm perspective. You've had three years of experience not relationship. Personally i can't be @ peace if i have a misunderstanding with my baby for even an hour irrespective of who is wrong, just do your best to make peace and if he keeps over reacting then move on with your life cos his not your man he is just someone you've been with. Let the hurt go and leave him to fate. If truely you are saying the truth fate has a way of paying back. Peace

Thanks, that's why it's not just easy to move on especially when ur heart is disturbed. I can decide to move on but at the same time like you said irrespective of who is wrong,it's not just easy. I have apologised and I think it's his turn to talk to me or at least apologise and like you said if not, fate has a way of paying back.

@diva if you've apologised then just take heart. When i had my first heart break yrs ago i was devastated for days but i picked up myself and moved on. I was bitter with her for a while but after careful evaluation i say those clear differences between us. Believe me, love is really about living with your patners shortcoming than their strengt. So if you can't live wit his then he is not rite for you. Accept the situation at hand deal with it through prayer, let God heal you through his word but please for christ sakes don't wallow in self pity. You'll meet someone that will appreciate you. Like myself i had a lot of wrong relationship before i finaly found my precious angel and believe me it was worth the wait. One important thing is, you must learn from this one and study a guy before commiting your heart next time. Let this experience make you wiser and more careful next time. But pls don't become bitter he is not worth da stress. Wish you all the best with lots of love.

diva

yu area at a loss of ow to go about it ba?


ok, 3yrs is not a joke if yu beliv in my option one den go look for him against all odds, physically look for him after takin a break off like olana sed for like a week(i ll suggest a week and 3 days ). cool off and hav fun with frends. den look for him apologise with dat yur eyes dat holds him to a spot(every gal has dat hold on dia guy) after wards dont mince words by immediately tellin him wat yu want(with wisdom) start from why yu did wat yu did-becos of so and so and so, let it flow from dia keepin in mind dat yu re a wonderful and biutiful woman dat must be respected. i feel yu nid dis cos i beliv dias a sweeter world ahed of yu with him or some lucky guy out dia.

you go gal
lemme knw ow it goes later hia sulebramms@yahoo.co.uk or just sulebramms on yahoo msnger. be good gal and dnt let anyone take yur faith away fffffrom yu

@Isu ata

Thanks, that's what I'm trying to do. Too see him in person, talk and whatever will be will be, mostly then i can move on with my life in peace. As a matter of fact, i texted him to remind him of a money situation, he was to give back since but didn't and his reply was "ok i will soon, thanks". Since he doesn't like anyone just showing up at his place, i wanted to wait for the opportunity when he wants to bring the money to talk to him or just text him, if we could talk.

If he is bringing money to you, then you will meet eventually! Why worry?

Well his soon could mean, who knows how long? I didn't want to give him an ultimatum so it wouldn't worsen the situation.

I guess it's because of how I'm feeling. I've got a lot to say to clarify my mind and move on in peace. It's just like holding on to a lot and waiting, to release.

You knew him better!

Hope you have got the books?

What books?

Tough Times Never last

Hope it is sold in the US and do you think it's best till whenever he wants to send/bring the money to talk to him or just text him, for us to talk?

Before I say anything, after the facebook episode where he lashed out at you and told you it was over, has he been in touch civilly since then?