he doesn't want anybody to just show up at his house . . .lol

The guy na player.

The book was published in US. So you can get it. Try google it out and see if you can get a free copy.

Hmmm, I don't know you guy, I am not a miracle man. I can only know if I know his character traits which were not available. Let him tell you when he is coming. But first evaluate yourself before anything.

big_bumper:

Before I say anything, after the facebook episode where he lashed out at you and told you it was over, has he been in touch civilly since then?

No he hasn't except yesterday when I texted about the money,


@agaba123
He wants you to call him first before showing up, though I have shown up just like that twice or thrice.

Is the money you are talking about, your own or his own?

Sorry for the 1001 questions, when he cheated initially, was it a one night stand or what? Was it you that caught him in the act or did he confess out of the blue? The answer don't really matter anyway, i am just trying to work a few things round in my head.

olanajim:

Is the money you are talking about, your own or his own?

She lent him some money when he was broke.

Neither, it was the girl herself I found out from, when I confronted him, he then told me with his mouth what had happened.

Hahaha! Oro pesi je!

The free will God gave you does not make you a 'must-marry' to any man. Both of you must make it work. Anything short of this is bondage.

Chetachuku:

The free will God gave you does not make you a 'must-marry' to any man. Both of you must make it work. Anything short of this is bondage.

I agree with you. I know I put in most effort maybe 80-20%.


@Olanajim

what does that mean?

Diva1:

I know i should move on, but still, I can't seem to understand. That's what i told him, that is it facebook that would make him tell me ''it's over" and if he was keeping her, why he should come back to me, take me for engagement ring and plead love to me, call me every second, seeing almost everyday.

He no longer loves you and is no longer in love with you. IF HE LOVED YOU, he’d be begging you, not telling you it is over, not yelling at you to take down the picture. . . He already left you, but came back because it did not work out with her. The "facebook episode" is not the cause of your break up, the alarm bells have been ringing for a while, but you chose to ignore it to your own peril.

The time you should have insisted on talking to your ex-boyfriend was when you were still dating;

- when he cheated on you and you forgave him
- when he mysteriously disappeared for 3 months
- when you realised that you had to seek permission before you could visit him

And I am sure there are a lot more times you should have asked many other questions you are now regretting you didn't ask. He chose not to answer you and you grudgingly accepted this and probably consoled yourself with 1001 reasons why he acted the way he did.

Yes he has humiliated you and demeaned you, but if someone decides to break up with you, they don't want you anymore, SIMPLE. Salvage the little dignity you have left and don't hang around or pester them to meet up with you afterwards to find out what you did wrong. How do you know he doesn't have you on speakerphone or showing his friends your desperate pleading texts or showing them how you are making a fool of yourself

Move on, you know in your heart that you were not to blame, you were not the loser nor the jerk, who sabotaged the relationship, you were just unlucky in your choice of men. Next time be more cynical and ask questions. If you have to tiptoe around someone you are dating, then perhaps the person is not right for you. For a relationship to survive and last, communication is crucial. You have to be able to talk through any fear, frustration or disappointment as they occur. It is the sharing of feelings such as this that makes couples get closer and let you realise that your relationship is a real rock which you can rely on/ hide/ seek solace from/ run to, etc

Next time you start dating again, and have logical questions which the dude/dudette is side-stepping and refusing to answer, don't get comfortable, start re-evaluating yourself and our position in that relationship, there is no point in stewing in unhapiness because someone simply refuses to give you straightforward answers to simple questions. Jump ship if you have to, if he cares about you and the relationship was meant to be, he will seek you out and would have no choice than to explain the reason for his silence which led to you walking out.

I don't think it is right to bring up the issue of money you loan him at this time. But if that is the only way you can bring him out to talk, then it is ok. To be honest with you, I am at lost with the increasing complexity of the matter. And it may end in break up, if you are not careful. As a rule, I recommend you apply Occham Razor theory in addressing your situation.

Try seperate "loan" from "reconciliation." If you need your money that bad, please don't mix money with love when you are in crisis.

There are difference type of men, it make no sense to generalise how they will react in a peculiar circumstance. That was why I keep saying that "you know him better."

I've always been so patient and this is where it le me to. Whether I bring up the money issue now or till eternity, he isn't communicating with me. I had wanted to talk first and when everything is settled, to bring out the issue but it doesn't look like he wants 2 hear from me and yes if this is the only way i can assure myself to communicate n talk to him n get my money at the same time, then it's good for me.

@Big_bumper

Yes you are right and I still have so many unanswered questions, which I think clarifying will make me move on faster. I agree with everything you've said.

I don't understand why you continue giving this rascal the benefit of the doubt.

If these dumb ass cheaters would actually stop to think about what they would lose for the sake of a stupid ass fling or a quick fork with a meaningless jump off, then maybe they would stop just short of doing it. But a lot of them are selfish punks who usually fail to take into consideration other people's feelings before acting like brutes. They don't consult their faculty to think of the grave damage and hurt caused by their quick nutt to boost their flagging ego.

Diva, since it seems you want this asshole by any means necessary, why don't you go ahead and camp out at his home until he gives you the attention you're seeking.

LOL

Diva1:

I believe God is the basis of a true relationship. When you say I can fix the situation. How can I? where do I begin from, from here?

I say this a lot, when a man has a one-night stand, and he promises convincingly not to do it again, he can be forgiven, but if he had an affair, hmmn, that was a cold and calculated decision, take whatever they tell you with a pinch of salt because it can happen again. Your ex-boyfriend made a conscious decision to do it over and over and over again. He did this without a care for your feeling, he deceived you, betrayed you, humiliated you, was disloyal to you, put you through distress, hurt, pain, etc

He would have had the chance to step back from temptations but he ignored this and instead was selfish, egostitical, and flattered by the other girl's response to his advance and would have repayed this back by falling for her, feeling an overwhelming sense of attraction to her at that time, constantly thinking about her, and what he wants to do to her sexually, feel protective and even be jealous if she was seeing someone else, he would have lied to you at home to get more time to spend with her, he would start being irritated by you, and would have looked for / and created opportunities to be able to spend quality time with the girl, and start meeting her more frequently thereby denying you at home a chance to spend time with him (HENCE THE REASON HE DISAPPEARED FOR THREE MONTHS)

He was careless and callous and supressed his guilt, and tried not to think about the consequences of his action on you. There is also that possibility that he would have contemplated on moving in with the girl he was cheating on you with and contemplated on leaving you in the lurch, he would have started trying to justify that you are to blame for his straying, but then would panic about losing you and think about what people would think, and then decide to come back to you to give it another go or because like someone said, maybe you had something she did not have.

And in all fairness, they might not be better than you in bed, and it might never have occured to him to compare you physically to the ither girl, but how would you deal with the atmosphere at home, the constant argument and lashing out, the coldness, the emotional distance, the icy silence, your hatred of him because of his act . . .


And the sad thing is that because our brain are wired differently, men would never understand why we want to know "if she was more attractive than us", "if she was better in bed than us", "if she was a better cook than us", "what attracted him to her", "her dress size", "how tall she was", "how pretty she was", "her likes and dislikes" and HE WILL NEVER ANSWER, IN ORDER NOT TO HURT YOU, SO WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO REMAIN IN SUCH RELATIONSHIP  

IS IT WORTH A SECOND CHANCE, IN MY OWN OPINION I WOULD SAY NO, who knows whether the reason he came back was because the other girl rejected his advance to take it to the next level Why would you want to be a second fiddle to any one


You ALREADY know what happened (your ex demeaned you and humiliated you, you know why it happened (You should have talked more), take your cue from that, learn from it and move on.

Deep down, the thing that makes us not want to move on is fear - fear of the unknown. But you have to accept it, don't defer it, don't stew in it, don't feed it, don't put your life on hold, don't lose your sense of purpose and identity and start thinking/contemplating ending it all, your life is not defined by who you are with, but who you are.

You were with this guy for three years and what you had with him was life-defining and he led you to believe you were the one, so I know you must be deeply scarred and would still be hurting by his betrayal, it is okay to cry, but don't dwell in it and let it feed into anxiety, sleeplessness, irritability, sadness, etc Count your loss and move on.



_{SIDENOTE TO TOP-UP from Busy-body ~ When I was referring to you being careful so as not to revert to depression (a state of poor mental health) in your thread, what I was trying to say was that some people, when heartbroken, eat less and lose weight rapidly or seek comfort at the bottom of an ice-cream tub and gain weight rapidly, this is manifested as poor physical health, due to the rapid weight gain/loss, so imagine the effect of this on one's emotional health Hope you grasp what I am trying to intone.}

@all are we trying to help this sista or we wanna confuse her d more. Some posts are begining to refresh this wound.
@diva pls take some time and find something you love doing. Don't try and think why he did all this to you, believe me it's a waste of your mental capabilities. Focus on more constructive habits instead of crying ova spilt milk. And also don't make the mistake of hating him, you'll just be giving him too much power over you. Find your answers, forgive then move to the next level. God will always watch over you.

at poster,
he should not have acted like that. he is not worth ur time. he should of talked to you bout how he was feeling. he can't have it all

Poster what more do u want to hear?
look the more u reply to this topic the more depressed and desperate u sound
move on!
its hard to do but u can start by not bringing up the relationship or lack of when he comes to give u ur money
he's right now a person u know giving u back money he owes
the sooner u get it that he cheated twice an has broken up with u,
the sooner u'll start healing
quit trying to get into his head
its a very toxic approach to ur break-up
im no genius at relationship matters but
this is really a very open-shut case
he cheated u found out,
came back begging u accepted
went mute for 3 months with no explanation
came back begging u accepted again
now u did something minute say breach of privacy
he flares up n breaks up

gurl move on!
he never had ur interest at heart
knew u would always be there no matter what
time u shook things up
do that thing u always wanted to do
cut ur hair, dye it
go on a vacation
anything to get ur mind off this situation
3 years would hurt like a motherfcuker but u will out grow the pain
the longer u sit n brood the longer it will take for u to heal

my 2 fils

Bluespice, although you're right to be very conscious and critical of Diva1's behavior, I don't blame her for acting the way she did, because love has a funny way of toying with our minds. The stupid chemicals that circulate through our body when we feel deeply about another sort of makes it difficult to employ a rational approach to seeing that this relationship is a complete disaster to her.

best thing then is not to fall in love
fall in like!

Kingsleyinfo:

@all are we trying to help this sista or we wanna confuse her d more. Some posts are begining to refresh this wound.
@diva pls take some time and find something you love doing. Don't try and think why he did all this to you, believe me it's a waste of your mental capabilities. Focus on more constructive habits instead of crying ova spilt milk. And also don't make the mistake of hating him, you'll just be giving him too much power over you. Find your answers, forgive then move to the next level. God will always watch over you.

Thanks, I believe the end is God to take control. I can only start by believing myself to heal.



@Bluespice
Thanks, I believe like you said, he felt I was and would always be there for him.


@Big_bumper
Thanks a lot, like you said what stops us from moving on is fear of the unknown which I wouldn't lie, i feel the same way. But I believe no matter how hard it is to have faith, that God would see me through at the end.

diva

i think one thing to hold on to in dis ordeal is to now dat yu av made some serios mistakes dat yu wld neva make in any relationship again(weder dis one or anyone to come). also its a gud thing dat yu know dis and also know dat you need to heal not from dis relationship but from bad choices yu av made. understanding yurself more will help yu find peace.

i think you shld wait for a while and intrest yurself in things yu ve always wanted to do like some1 sugested(waiting time depends on you)

after which yu are satisfied with yur level of strength yu can now make yur way to him irrespective of weda he wants to see yu or not gather all yu can from him with an open mind and say yur piece(wiaeva it leads shldnt be a bother-yu re on a hunt of emancipation becos i tell yu if yu dnt do dis, yu will be tied to him for a long time to come and it will affect yur oda ones wen yu decide to allow some1 into yur life again-its a sunconscious thing).


i think i beliv dat yu ll do well really-i can feel it alredy. just take yur time. and i must commend you too at the same time for being civil, shows the level of maturity yu hav-its a virtue yu dnt find in most women(kip it)



and as for most oda women on NL with the send him off attitude- yu shld lern summin from dis gal, yu shld lern summin from dis ordeal cos most of yu are now cynical not becos of men but becos of the bad choices, the things yu took for granted with them. in the end the bulk of the fault lies with you.

neva take anytin with levity just like yu shldnt take GOD for granted neve bbe careless with yurslef in a relationship-dats was the problem of diva's relationship she was carreless toa point dat it became a problem

Let that boy mature and find a more stable lifestyle.  For now, that's the most important help you can render him.  He is going through a phase that has absolutely nothing to do with you, so don't blame yourself for his behavior towards you. It just so happens as fate would have it that you are the one getting hurt deeply in this mayhem. Advice you to move on with your beautiful life. There is more on his plate right now than trying to work out your broken relationship.

Remember that infamous quote:  If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was yours to begin with.

@Poster,

My response might hurt u, but it is the fact. Am reacting based on ur story and not as a man. U told us dat after u guys met, he appologisesd to u. This means accepting his errors and also asked to pray 4 him dat God will 4giv him.

Secondly, u said dat 4rm den, things became better or normal again. I think u should have be more contented at dat but u went ahead to dig out some other things. What do u want to kw what u r not supposed to kw. There r some facts that if u come to kw as a woman instead of solving ur problems, it will multiply it.

Lastly, do u mean to tell me that u ve never flirted online. U may not meet the person live, but flirt wt him online.

So went rather far. Its not wise. He has now shown d man that is in him. If u still love him, go and appologise. I beliv u offended him IMHO

C2H5OH:

Let that boy mature and find a more stable lifestyle. For now, that's the most important help you can render him. He is going through a phase that has absolutely nothing to do with you, so don't blame yourself for his behavior towards you. It just so happens as fate would have it that you are the one getting hurt deeply in this mayhem. Advice you to move on with your beautiful life. There is more on his plate right now than trying to work out your broken relationship.

Remember that infamous quote: If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was yours to begin with.

H202, why didn't you proffer this absolute gemmiferous gem of wisdom to Top-up last year because I know it's not just a flash in the pan moment Oni skaun skaun oshi

How's your sexy chicken feet holding up by the way

@ Poster,

I've read thru this whole post and i really feel for you, but i think its time for you to move on ok, stop asking questions, stop replying posts cause u'll just be opening up old wounds, simply move on, and the best you can do for your self is to forgive him, cause thats when the healing starts, if you can stay away from his FB profile, good, cause u might see updates that will hurt you. ,

And its up to u to take him back if he comes begging and if he dosnt, u just take it like that.
so get up and get goingggggggggggg

Ulua is right u guys are not meant for each other. Just move on and put ur next relationship in prayers good luck.

Isu ata:

diva

i think one thing to hold on to in dis ordeal is to now dat yu av made some serios mistakes dat yu wld neva make in any relationship again(weder dis one or anyone to come). also its a gud thing dat yu know dis and also know dat you need to heal not from dis relationship but from bad choices yu av made. understanding yurself more will help yu find peace.

i think you shld wait for a while and intrest yurself in things yu ve always wanted to do like some1 sugested(waiting time depends on you)

after which yu are satisfied with yur level of strength yu can now make yur way to him irrespective of weda he wants to see yu or not gather all yu can from him with an open mind and say yur piece(wiaeva it leads shldnt be a bother-yu re on a hunt of emancipation becos i tell yu if yu dnt do dis, yu will be tied to him for a long time to come and it will affect yur oda ones wen yu decide to allow some1 into yur life again-its a sunconscious thing).


i think i beliv dat yu ll do well really-i can feel it alredy. just take yur time. and i must commend you too at the same time for being civil, shows the level of maturity yu hav-its a virtue yu dnt find in most women(kip it)



and as for most oda women on NL with the send him off attitude- yu shld lern summin from dis gal, yu shld lern summin from dis ordeal cos most of yu are now cynical not becos of men but becos of the bad choices, the things yu took for granted with them. in the end the bulk of the fault lies with you.

neva take anytin with levity just like yu shldnt take GOD for granted neve bbe careless with yurslef in a relationship-dats was the problem of diva's relationship she was carreless toa point dat it became a problem

I really understand where you are coming from, Cos I know until I say everything and talk to him, it wouldn't be easy to start moving on. It's best to talk but I on't understand where you say bad choices. What bad choices did I make in this situation?

@Ulua and PeeJee

Thanks and I also agree not because of only all he had done, but also the way he is handling the situation, however, I still feel the right thing is to talk and say my mind out in peace then move on, else, i would be moving on with questions and confusion and that could take forever to heal.

Psoul:

@Poster,

My response might hurt u, but it is the fact. Am reacting based on ur story and not as a man. U told us dat after u guys met, he appologisesd to u. This means accepting his errors and also asked to pray 4 him dat God will 4giv him.

Secondly, u said dat 4rm den, things became better or normal again. I think u should have be more contented at dat but u went ahead to dig out some other things. What do u want to kw what u r not supposed to kw. There r some facts that if u come to kw as a woman instead of solving ur problems, it will multiply it.

Lastly, do u mean to tell me that u ve never flirted online. U may not meet the person live, but flirt wt him online.

So went rather far. Its not wise. He has now shown d man that is in him. If u still love him, go and appologise. I beliv u offended him IMHO

I did accept his errors to take him back doesn't mean I didn't want to know what happened during that period. It's possible for him to apologise to me and still be doing his thing, afterall when he cheated, he was still loving but I had to find out an it came like a shock to me.
Have u asked me why it's this particular lady amongst all the others I had to find out, cos I know my instincts and she made me even made me suspect more.
And if you think I went far, what is so difficult that even if he was so mad to this extent, he couldn't talk to me, calmly or something.
I personally don't think I did wrong or he should be very offended and mad to this extent. My crime here was just putting a PICTURE OF US with a fake name and perhaps the lady saw it and told him.

C2H5OH:

Let that boy mature and find a more stable lifestyle. For now, that's the most important help you can render him. He is going through a phase that has absolutely nothing to do with you, so don't blame yourself for his behavior towards you. It just so happens as fate would have it that you are the one getting hurt deeply in this mayhem. Advice you to move on with your beautiful life. There is more on his plate right now than trying to work out your broken relationship.

Remember that infamous quote: If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was yours to begin with.

You are right but it's just like some1 dropping up something by mistake and you picking it up to return it, only for someelse to just see you picking it up and accuse u as a thief for stealing and you had no chance of expressing yourself. Even if u decide to ignore and move on, deep down in ur heart, it's like unfinished business, if u know wat I mean.

big_bumper:


H202, why didn't you proffer this absolute gemmiferous gem of wisdom to Top-up last year because I know it's not just a flash in the pan moment Oni skaun skaun oshi

Troublemaker.

How's your sexy chicken feet holding up by the way

Sexier and stronger than ever.  I would give you the pleasure of rubbing it, but you might pee on yourself.