habeny:
Good afternoon, am a 26 years old lady and am getting married next month, but anytime I have an argument with my fiance he insults me,telling me am a fool, an idiot, etc, have tried to correct him several times but he doesn't see anything wrong with it, just this morning we had an argument and he started again calling me all sort of names. Am starting to get really scared, because if he's doing this when we are engaged what will he do to me when when we are married

Hmmmm, my dear, No man who truly love his wife, or girl, will act like that. It is a pointer that he does not respect your person, or that he is probably doing you a favor for wanting to marry you. This is not good sign at all. A broken engagement is far better than a broken marriage!! If he does not have any respect and regard for you now, be sure it will be far worse when you are both married. Far worse!!!! \

Humility017:

so she should tolerate the beating and talk to him?
you think wife beater change so easily?
you ladies still don't get it...a man can act good just to get a woman he wants ...but that does not mean he is a good man......
he is already showing his true colors...the OP should leave the relationship....that's the best

He doesn't beat her. He only abuses her verbally.
In your relationship are you ppl always ever happy.
That's y I said she should talk to him and have a rethink if he doesn't change

tosyne2much:
No matter how much I try to avoid you, you always make it obvious that I irk you
Why you come hate me like that nah? Can't you just reduce the hatred small ni?

Why do you think I hate you?

Toks2008:


I laugh at the way some people dish out advise here on nairaland and worse still those who have no experience of marital life.

I have given her a link to one of my threads so I guess she will learn from there.

If you think there is a perfect marriage then you are worst than the biggest fool on earth.

We all have our crazy sides..

Only a mad man wakes up and starts abusing his woman without a cause but the OP has refused to tell us that thing that earns her the abuse ...not that I support verbal abuse but for Petes sake this is not the worst a lady can get from a man.

Some guys are full package but they are yahoo boys which does not make them better than an abusive guy who is legit and we have a romantic guy who smokes weed and does that make him.a better husband than the op fiance?

My point is simple,we all have our tolerance level and for me I could tolerate a nagging lady but I can't tolerate a bad cook while another guy can tolerate a lady in the opposite order.

So if the op can tolerate the abuses let her go ahead with the marriage as long as she is OK with other great sides of the guy...

Until we learn to magnify the good sides of our partners and tolerate the bad sides then we should stay away from getting married.

Let me see, you give advice on marriage and you think abuse is something to be "tolerated?"

Is that a sick joke or something?

Sure, everyone has a bad side. But the real issue is the definition of a bad side. Bad cooking is an issue, not having an ambition is an issue, being dirty is an issue. Verbal/Physical abuse is not an issue, it is a major problem. A problem no one has to tolerate. It is in the same league with alcohol and betting addictions, in that the person has to realize he has a major problem that needs immediate fixing, whether that is rehab, anger management classes, intense counselling, or all of the above.

A lady (if she chooses to remain) in such a relationship can then provide needed support to get through that specific low in the man's life. This is far from tolerating, which assumes that it is something that one can live with. The OP's fiance doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong.

No one deserves to tolerate abuse.

And there is nothing more sickening than hearing the classic "check yourself" directive. It is so wrong, I can't even begin to rationalize why people feel it is a point worth sharing. You don't ask a seller of alcohol to check him/herself as to why his/her customer is an addict. Even if a woman is nagging and rude, is the appropriate response from a mature person abuse?

Why can't the man take the high road and take concrete steps to deal with that problem, rather than muddling it up by entering beast mode.

Two wrongs don't make a right. The moment a man feels he has to be abusive to effect a change in behavior or pass a point across, then there needs to be a serious evaluation by both parties on the way forward. That's a figurative crossroad, not a bump.

People who equate bad cooking to abuse are people who never grew up in abusive homes, never been with abusive partners, never listened to someone pouring their heart out after receiving abuse for an extended period of time, never had a close relation (daughter or sister) show a bruised face, or have a tendency to be abusive themselves.

It is very easy to ask people to tolerate something you've never experienced or had first-hand interaction with.

-Lord

fussy34:
Every conscious act requires risk. Every conscious act requires decision. Put these two facts together you can see that betting is not bad rather betting from the right source.
keep betting keep winning

How much for subcribtion, if u cant say it here dont bother quoting me

pocohantas:

Why do you think I hate you?

It's very obvious that my friend (a Nairalander) even asked me if I've ever done any wrong to you for you to habour such amount of hatred against me

OP,
There is a great difference between Love, Lost and infatuation. You need to be honest with yourself and know which is leading you.
Let me ask; where and how did you meet this guy? How long have you been dating before marriage proposals?
What are your real reasons for getting married to him?
Do both you talk real talk or it's just fantasy? Night clubs, parties, pepersoup joints, etc, only.
How does his family and friends see or receive you?
Did you guys attended any prematial class or counselling? This important because your idea about courtship and marriage might be wrong.
If you guys are NOT friends, marrying him will lead to frustration because it lead to bitterness, betrayals and infidelity.
I noticed the arguments mentioned and you trying to correct him. Fact is you cannot change him or try to make him fit into your template of a perfect man.. Trying to change your partner is one of the major causes of conflicts in most marriages. You can only influence a person and allow God to change him.

Here is what the scripture says about Love:

1 Cor.13:1-13.
"1. If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5. does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6. does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7. bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
9. For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
10. but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love".

Marriage was created by God and He alone can help you operate or function in marriage based on His precepts if you are willing.
GEN. 2:24-25.
'Genesis 2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 2:22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed".

Note: Leave and then Cleave were mentioned. You can lookup the meaning these words. Marriage is not a joke. It is much more a spiritual connection than physical.
Maybe he grew up in a home where is dad abused his mother or you grew up in a home where your mother called the shots. This ultimately affect your perception of marriage until you are ready to "Leave" and "Cleave".

Maybe he drives big cars, has a high paying job and lives in a mansion and you got attracted to him. Mabybe he is smooth talker and you like his slangy expressions. Maybe he is the man all the ladies run after and you were able to grab him. I cloud go and on.... but does he really love you? what do you really desire?
Another thing is maybe you played hard to get; he got you and has slept with you and now sees you as a trophy. Sex before marriage can lead to "see finish" mentality and disrespect. Since he has licked all the honey before marriage, now it is only moon that is left! What the guy has alway dreamt of is honeymoon....
Perhaps, he is not ready to settle down and you are the person pushing for marriage...

I wish to go on but i have attend to other things now...

I leave you with this; don't get desperate to get married because of peer or social pressure.
There is no smoke without fire!
"Marriage is like having DSTV with unlimited amazing channels; you can only select one chanel to watch and remote is taken away and you will watch ONLY what you have chosen for the rest of your life" __ Basket Mouth.
So choose wisely...

My prayer is that God will help you take the right decision and cause everything to work together for your good.

tosyne2much:
It's very obvious that my friend (a Nairalander) even asked me if I've ever done any wrong to you for you to habour such amount of hatred against me

I don' hate you or any other Nairalander. I say my mind and move on. Why did you edit you post to add something not necessary?

Where did you get that from?

habeny:
Good afternoon, am a 26 years old lady and am getting married next month, but anytime I have an argument with my fiance he insults me,telling me am a fool, an idiot, etc, have tried to correct him several times but he doesn't see anything wrong with it, just this morning we had an argument and he started again calling me all sort of names. Am starting to get really scared, because if he's doing this when we are engaged what will he do to me when when we are married

People don't change in marriage. Do not work it out. Forget that guy and marriage and look for better partner! You are still young! That guy is abusive. abusing you emotional and trust me He will not change.
I am married

LordAdam16:


Let me see, you give advice on marriage and you think abuse is something to be "tolerated?"

Is that a sick joke or something?

Sure, everyone has a bad side. But the real issue is the definition of a bad side. Bad cooking is an issue, not having an ambition is an issue, being dirty is an issue. Verbal/Physical abuse is not an issue, it is a major problem. A problem no one has to tolerate. It is in the same league with alcohol and betting addictions, in that the person has to realize he has a major problem that needs immediate fixing, whether that is rehab, anger management classes, intense counselling, or all of the above.

A lady (if she chooses to remain) in such a relationship can then provide needed support to get through that specific low in the man's life. This is far from tolerating, which assumes that it is something that one can live with. The OP's fiance doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong.

No one deserves to tolerate abuse.

And there is nothing more sickening than hearing the classic "check yourself" directive. It is so wrong, I can't even begin to rationalize why people feel it is a point worth sharing. You don't ask a seller of alcohol to check him/herself as to why his/her customer is an addict. Even if a woman is nagging and rude, is the appropriate response from a mature person abuse?

Why can't the man take the high road and take concrete steps to deal with that problem, rather than muddling it up by entering beast mode.

Two wrongs don't make a right. The moment a man feels he has to be abusive to effect a change in behavior or pass a point across, then there needs to be a serious evaluation by both parties on the way forward. That's a figurative crossroad, not a bump.

People who equate bad cooking to abuse are people who never grew up in abusive homes, never been with abusive partners, never listened to someone pouring their heart out after receiving abuse for an extended period of time, never had a close relation (daughter or sister) show a bruised face, or have a tendency to be abusive themselves.

It is very easy to ask people to tolerate something you've never experienced or had first-hand interaction with.

-Lord

Why you so smart?

God!...i fvking hate threads hitting front page,people talk a lot, imagine someone writing over 2000 words all for a comment..#nonsense

PrickGetSize:
Only poor, wretched and frustrated men beat their wives!

I laugh in tomato dike's husband voice

pocohantas:

Why you so smart?

Good morning dear,

How are you holding up?

PS: For real, this issue is personal.

-Lord

He is hot tempered. Can you manage it? If yes go ahead but talk to him or you complain to your marriage counselling head in church. They will advice him. Then watch out. Avoid anything that brings argument. Every issue in relationship to some people is break up break up. Where is the place of patience and hardwork. Even marriage helps people to be mature mentally,spiritually, financially, emotionally etc if they want to. If he really loves you I guess he will do anything to want to keep you.

My best friend has a girlfriend who calls him a THING right in front of me when she was explaining what happened between them to me. The guy still putting up with the rship for only God knows why and its a very recurrent stuff. Guess some people are specially programmed to be insulted. As for me and my brain, the woman that has the temerity to outrightly insult me gets at most TWO warnings. Then she is out!

PrickGetSize:
Does he have enough money to take care of you and your future family?

Does he show you love?

Does he care for your well-being?

Does he fvck you real good?

If the answer to these questions is yes then I see no reason why ordinary insult should spoil your marriage, unless he beats you. Insult him back - call him a bigger fool, a he-goat, a maluu, a stupendous ignoramus calamity - and get used to it. When kids start coming he won't have time to insult you again.

Marriage is for better or worse!

Ori e kope rara.

A man that will beat a woman starts with verbal abuse

LordAdam16:




Good morning dear,

How are you holding up?

PS: For real, this issue is personal.

-Lord

Good morning too.

I'm holding up just fine. You?

Personal? How personal?

Jman06:
And the men from east don't go to school

Your stupidity is legendary!

Is like you read well........quote me well it common among those that never went to school from the east......
......If my stupidity is legendary then yours is what Go and make a life nitwit

Insult him harder and know how far he can manage your insult, then you decide if you can take his reactions or not plus check his other sides, how good/bad are they?

And what have you been doing wrong which makes him treat you thus?

stuffs4me:



This one is so dumb saliva is just driping from the side of her mouth.

Domestic violence is not for the female gender only and you just have to get that into your block head.

More than 40% of domestic violence victims are male, report reveals
https://www.theguardian.com/society/.2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence

You really like the word "dumb"...obviously a word you have come to become. I am not one of those kinds that you can intimidate with your degrading words. If you like spill all the vulgar and abusive words you learnt from the day you were born till this minute, you own your trap.

All these awaiting result small boys that think they know jack will come and be mouthing off here.
Save the abuses for the females in your family and don't come and form Van Damme on your keypad.

My sister, many married ladies in hell today never had the kind of opportunity you have to know who exactly they are getting married to. You have a RED FLAG dangling before you. The only problem is that most ladies are too desperate to get married that they ignore all signs.

God is showing you that in real trouble. Flee!!!

U are old enough to decide what to do but if I'm to advise you, I would say u should walk away now when u still can. I don't want u to come back here to ask us if u should end the marriage because your husband beats you each time he comes home.
You should count yourself lucky that he's showing u signs now.
As I said earlier, u alone are in the best position to decide what u want.

How can you just conclude like that. He might be a potential wife beater but that doesn't mean he's a misogynist

Amarabae:
he is a misogynist and a potential wife beater.

tosyne2much:
I shared my opinion and I know it's impossible for everybody to agree with me

Guy you fall my hand big time. Your view was actually off point. See the way people are mentioning me saying I'm wrong to think that you are intelligent

amokeme:

Talk? One thing you need to understand about men like this is that, they see absolutely nothing wrong with what they are doing. As in nothing! Let her talk to him and you will hear how he turns the whole thing on her head.
It's in him already, he needs to be with someone who doesn't see anything wrong with the insults. That's the only way, but the change aspect? Forget it

. God bless you for this response! I once dated someone like that her fiance n it was he'll on earth he's always right! Though the date is close but she needs a rethink on this decision broken rshp is better than broken marriage! That's too much for a lady of 26yrs

LordAdam16:


Let me see, you give advice on marriage and you think abuse is something to be "tolerated?"

Is that a sick joke or something?

Sure, everyone has a bad side. But the real issue is the definition of a bad side. Bad cooking is an issue, not having an ambition is an issue, being dirty is an issue. Verbal/Physical abuse is not an issue, it is a major problem. A problem no one has to tolerate. It is in the same league with alcohol and betting addictions, in that the person has to realize he has a major problem that needs immediate fixing, whether that is rehab, anger management classes, intense counselling, or all of the above.

A lady (if she chooses to remain) in such a relationship can then provide needed support to get through that specific low in the man's life. This is far from tolerating, which assumes that it is something that one can live with. The OP's fiance doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong.

No one deserves to tolerate abuse.

And there is nothing more sickening than hearing the classic "check yourself" directive. It is so wrong, I can't even begin to rationalize why people feel it is a point worth sharing. You don't ask a seller of alcohol to check him/herself as to why his/her customer is an addict. Even if a woman is nagging and rude, is the appropriate response from a mature person abuse?

Why can't the man take the high road and take concrete steps to deal with that problem, rather than muddling it up by entering beast mode.

Two wrongs don't make a right. The moment a man feels he has to be abusive to effect a change in behavior or pass a point across, then there needs to be a serious evaluation by both parties on the way forward. That's a figurative crossroad, not a bump.

People who equate bad cooking to abuse are people who never grew up in abusive homes, never been with abusive partners, never listened to someone pouring their heart out after receiving abuse for an extended period of time, never had a close relation (daughter or sister) show a bruised face, or have a tendency to be abusive themselves.

It is very easy to ask people to tolerate something you've never experienced or had first-hand interaction with.

-Lord

Save yourself all these uneeded sermon and simply understand that what is an issue to you may not be an issue to another....Simple

femi4:
Ori e kope rara.
A man that will beat a woman starts with verbal abuse

Hahaha

it foolishness to see what will break your home in the future and you ignore it..A wise "man" forsees evil and hide his head while the fool walks in darkness

managermahmud:

Guy you fall my hand big time. Your view was actually off point. See the way people are mentioning me saying I'm wrong to think that you are intelligent

No vex baba.. I will tell the mods to bring down my comment