I feel for you. Though, there is no perfection anywhere. Talk to him. Apologise and discuss how to avoid further crises together. When you get your salary, buy your things in bulk. If the school fees or house rent is too expensive, you can have a cut. Men are likely to get angried easily when thay don't have money: Whatever you say at this period would sound insulting to him.

Psoul:


Madam, I've to be very blunt to you.
You are part of the problem you're having in the house.

I'm married and I truly understand what family life means.
Your story may sound so beautiful to you but to me it does not. Reading between lines, I see that you don't respect your husband the way it should be. Bn a quiet type is not same as bn a respectful wife.

I can see that your contribution in running the family sometimes make you feel he should be submissive to you. Most women that turned breadwinners think that way.
Support the man, encourage him and also bring up suggestions that will improve him and you'll get the best from him. Don't puncture a man's ego, else his love for you will drop.

Your farther offering him the job he does should not make him a slave to your parents or to you. Don't report your husband to your parents. You may forgive him easily, but your parents may not.

You are quiet but stubborn deep inside. You noticed that your husband is carrying face up and down... according to you... and decide to ignore him waiting for him to come to you. For a whole week you and husband have not bn talking to each other under the same roof and you feel undisturbed.
If you think you are more matured than your husband, why not go to him and lovingly ask him why he's moody. I do such at all times. So long as it will bring peace to my home, I goes to my wife and apologize. I sees it as the responsibility that God has placed on me to make peace in my house. So I do it without thinking why should I be the one always apologizing weda I'm right or wrong.

Now you're complaining cos the whole thing is making u feel bad when you have the solution in your hands.
Do you think your husband is happy for not bn able to provide all his family needs. He'll be very volatile, hostile and easily pissed off. Your closeness and encouragement will be the only thing that will calm his nerves and make his love for you increase. Even that his calling by God will be restored.

Finally, I see that you're not even interested in your marriage. You're not even struggling to restore your marriage. Your last paragraph says much about this.
If you have money, you'll run away and abandon the marriage. To me, this shows that you're not working hard to restore your family, rather, you're finding peace externally. Your husband is sensing this and it's also making him mad about u.

Madam, I'll advice you to go back to your first love. Love your husband. Work hard to make him your friend and you'll see the finger of God in your home again.
Every relationship has its problem. Non is perfect, but the way you manage the imperfection is what makes you guys perfect.

E gbenu yin soun jor

Kini won un so, ki lan so

tunjilana:


What if he comes back too that his own salary has been reduced by half.

See the issue here is lack of appreciation on both side and serious financial tension cos they have bitten more than they should (4 kids at this time)

They both need to come clean on their earnings, plan their finances and draw up a budget that is optimal while they plan to invest the rest

Hanky Panky is not what us needed now...she stillhas the mindset that she is doing too much...yes compared to the income it is a lot but compared to the size of their family, it is what needs to be done...the man is also groaning under the weight of paying fees for 4 kids and rent. The only way to appreciate each other and lovingly improve their situation is via openness and budgeting to see where their funds go and who does what.

I believe the countenance of both parties will change once this oneness is achieved and they will grow faster

Toh. They need an extra source of income

Save 50% of your income and use the remaining 50% for house. Anywhere the money reach, just fold your hand and be watching him, he will rise to the occasion.
You have an idiot as a husband. He doesn't deserve your kindness.

CAPSLOCKED:


LOL. THIS IS NOT TRUE. EVEN IF YOU CUT OFF YOUR HEAD FOR A WOMAN SHE BELIEVES SHE HAS DONE YOU A FAVOR BY BEING THE REASON YOU KILLED YOURSELF.. THEREFORE SHE'S A PRINCESS AND MUST BE TREATED LIKE NEXT IN LINE TO ELIZABETH.

WOMEN JUMP WHEN THEY'RE ENGAGED THE SAME WAY BOYS JUMP WHEN THEIR BET9JA TICKET OF 3,000 NAIRA COME THROUGH.
THEY JUMP BECAUSE AFTER MONTHS/YEARS OF WAITING, YOU'RE FINALLY GIVING THEM THE CHANCE TO FUC UP YOUR LIFE BIG TIME.

Nwodosis:
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

Guy, you're wicked

Why will you give birth to 4 kids in this kind of hardship everywhere.married people should do family planing. Two kids is okay for a family in this country.

Imagine if it were to be 2kids you're spending on,you wouldn't have to pay sch fees,feed,cloth and other things for the other two which will save you some money.

People need to stop breeding, and things in this country is not stable either of you can lose ur job anytime.

I know a tenant that refuses to pay her rent because (she suddenly realized) the road to the house is rough and dusty; it makes her sick, yet she refused to pack out.(she's also broke)

I hate marriage with passion, it irritates me like dogshits; the whole settings of it, it is demeaning and very unnatural. All in the name of f*cking and making kids for one stupid future.

I remember the day I told my father that I'll never marry if I'll be treating my wife the way he does. He is always right while the poor woman supplies the apologies even when he is obviously wrong.

Naturally, I have strong dislike for inequality or any form of oppression; I can't stand it. What exactly is the overall gain in marriage that people sacrifice so much happiness to sustain it?

I love myself so much that I don't endure toxic interference for too long. I don't want to blame anybody for my misfortunes nor thank anybody for being happy. I want to be responsible for my life.

Honestly, I care less about how your husband treats you; it's your f*cking choice and I'm sure you don't stay in the toilet when you're done shit-ing. BUT, the kids, the poor kids; I can't stand them suffering.

How I wish human offsprings don't have to depend on parents for survival, just like grasshoppers or cocroaches; lay the eggs and f*ck off. Unfortunately, human species have made being human more complex than nervous system.

I'm not a religious fan in case anyone want to make reference to some 'Jah' says bullshits. But I will advice that you don't sacrifice your peace for anything; not even stupid love.

veave:
Hian.

Wetin I go talk go pain you o. But na the truth I go tell you. Madam, right now I can't tell you to start with 50% so I will say 20%.

Thank God there is covid and I pray your job doesn't get affected. As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.
No this kain thing make me say I no go marry "brother" when I dey small. Most of them are lazy and are dreamers. They expect manner to fall from heaven after their praying and fasting forgetting Paul had a handiwork that sustained him all through his life hence he didn't have to beg and depend on anyone. I no dey like this kind jist. He's not even appreciative of his supportive wife. I know women who use all their money to buy shoes, clothes and the latest asoebi, their husbands dare not say pim because they'd even take his own and join.

I dont think u read d story properly. The man pays the house rent and also children school fees. My advice is that the man should travel out and come home once in a while to visit. They should give each other some space. Life is too short to be living angrily everyday.

Ladycewhy:
It's not about domestication but being entitled,being taught hat you are to be served because you are a man ,being taught that women are your servants meant to serve you all the days of your life,being taught that so long as you have a woman around, all you have to do is sit hmabd have her massage your ego,being taught that a woman is your slave and meant to slave away for your.

Let me break down your comment;

So you are saying the male gender is not teachable and should be left to their conscience.

Men are only good at giving money to women ,so their fathers don't need to teach little boys that.

Men don't need to be taught manners,how to communicate like humans not beast,men don't need to be taught empathy and compassion,boys should be left to roam like wild animal until they find their way or left to the date of their conscience.

Fathers are the main examples boys have to learn and observe from. If we keep seeing men like the ops husband we should conclude he got it from his father cos all he did was watch and learn from his father.

I think that sums up your comment.

LOL ! no one teaches a man all these things you say, sense of entitlement is in every man just as it is in a lion to roar, a dog to bark and a roaster to crow. many times i hear women antagonize that word "Ego" buh the fact is any man without an ego is either a transgender or incomplete being. to gain point women use the word "servant" in a proper context they say "am i your maid" lol! if only women could think logically, shuld we compare real maids with wives how many maid enjoy what a wife enjoys ... how many maids wear expensive aso ebi, av a car or a home to claim, how many maids are given privileges to manage the family financing.
if cooking for ur children is a duty why shuld cooking for ur hubby be termed "slavery"
Lemme burst ur bubble, 80% of men out there are different from there fathers, we all know our forefathers have polygamous home buh how many men today are coping that, our forefathers hardly educate there daughters buh today many men are training female child with so much love ... we watch n learn buh what we turn out to be dependly greatly on exposure & what is inside us superceeded by conscience ... have you not seen son of a herbalist becum a pastor ddnt he grow watching his father, bottomline men av a "mind of there own".
If you insist on training, well do you know mothers have greater influence over children than fathers.. if men are failure it still women fault

Mstick:
Hmmmmmmm this one is tough, a broke man with ego is more dangerous than a rattle snake.

The worst kind of human you can every be with.

verifiedlegacy:


pls OP. reject and unfollow this advice...na them

some of them suffers most in their own marriages but wil come and give u advice..

I have a married friend who was giving advice to another woman on howcto handle her husband..( I was inside a house wit tainted window.) so they didn't see me.. but this so called adviser is living in hell in her home.. but she was dishing puna for another..


OP.. pray
say I'm sorry just for peace to reign.
what ur husband is doing is wrong but we live in a Man's society.. where a man can cheat, but if a woman does it,village people wil b involved.

try and make that marriage work.. u r no alone in this kinda situation.

I'm not suffering in my marriage sweetie. It's not everyone that will pass through hell before going to heaven. For some of us its from heaven to higher heavens. I'm only advising her based on what she said. I didn't ask her to leave or disrespect her husband. I'm only looking out for her because:
1. There's some kind of comfort and assurance your savings gives. It takes away a certain level of worrying and pressure because you know there's something somewhere you can fall back on no matter what. (20%)
2. She needs to look after herself. In order to stay sane live a happy and healthy life first your inner man needs to be fed. How do you do that? Your self esteem and self worth level should be above average so you can even think well and make more money. (20%)
3. In no part of my post did I compare her marriage to mine. I only told her my reasons from shying away from people who claim to be very spiritual based on my personal experiences as a growing child in the church.
4. As a good citizen of the country, all you needed to do is walk past my post and give her your own advice. She's an adult and can differentiate weed from plant. No one expects her to take all the advice given here.
5. When next you decide to quote any of my posts, spell your words completely. Abbreviations give me headaches.
6. Thank you.

kestolove95:
Divorce d modafucka nd move on with ur life, get a young guy as a sec toy...no time men are stupeed

Mumu u think it's easy abi.

FX:
I dont think u read d story properly. The man pays the house rent and also children school fees. My advice is that the man should travel out and come home once in a while to visit. They should give each other some space. Life is too short to be living angrily everyday.

I did. My annoyance is more with the lack of appreciation and bullying from the man.

Ishilove:
Your husband sounds like my ex. If not that he is married to you, I would have sworn that he is the same person. Nasty creature.

I dealt with the situation by simply exing him, but your case is not so simple. My advice will be to endure until you can endure no more. When you get pushed to the wall, you will fight back. The outcome of that fight is what I don't know.

See divorcee de give person advice

alexola20:
Talking from my personal experience,in as much as I know that there are some assholes in men,still I have no pity for any woman suffering either in marriage or whatsoever.
No pity.

Many of them are the originators of their own problems.

No pity.

alexola20:
Talking from my personal experience,in as much as I know that there are some assholes in men,still I have no pity for any woman suffering either in marriage or whatsoever.
No pity.

Many of them are the originators of their own problems.

No pity.

alexola20:
Talking from my personal experience,in as much as I know that there are some assholes in men,still I have no pity for any woman suffering either in marriage or whatsoever.
No pity.

Many of them are the originators of their own problems.

No pity.

hmmm Oga, not all women are bad ooh, change that mentality mbok

KillamanJoe:
This one is strong. On one part, I see the man is doing his bit. I mean, paying school fees for 4 children and rent for a family of six alone is quite much. Especially if you live in a place like Lagos.

How much is he earning and how much is she earning, let's start from there. Because, my wife and I share almost every bill. We both have good paying jobs, hers is even better than mine but I have more time to pursue personal briefs.

Once I hit bulk sum, I transfer to her for keeps, towards rent and savings.

From my experience, food, clothes, gas and light bill are the least he can expect from you to contribute to the house hold. And except you're earning peanuts it should not see it as an issue.

AND why did you guys give birth to 4 kids in this era? Only one that I have, I've thinking of visectomy. Kids are freaking expensive.

Did you say the least he can expect from her is food, cloth, gas and light?
See eh, i wish i was the one paying school fees. You cant plan for food, it keeps piecing your money. I swear if you calculate the amount spent on food and running the house monthly, you will be surprised that school fees comes nowhere close. Meanwhile fathers will only pay school fees, all the other things attached to school, uniform o, projects, cultural day/career day costume, change of shoes, food flask etc doesn't concern them.

emilas1979:
Have really given you the attention you seek
Oya, Goan celebrate.
Mind you, i am not anumpama.
Maybe your husband or husband to be is, and I am too sorry for him.Keep exposing yourself I am done and out with you. Have a nice day

Dry.

Iffffffy:
At some point, I thought I was the one doing this narration, it is well sis.

my sister d story be like my own o

Let me say something since you got attracted to him on the platter of his pervency in spiritual things but eventually deviate.

''if the foundation be destroy what can the righteous do''

As a spiritual person, i have come to realise that when i refuse to pray a day, i uncontrollably act and speak foolishly.

so, i used to pray to God to give me a wife that will always help me in prayers when i'm weak not the one that will be a prayer point.

I understand your pains, but please help him up once again. In prayers and in reminder of who he really was when you met him and what he was aspiring to be ''pastor'' .
@__MizJaY

Blackbishop:
No



Ma'am first and foremost I won't join the band of people asking for the 2nd narrative, I mean your husband side of the story.

Am a product of a broken home and I can tell from your story that your husby is a low self esteem man. When you have such man as a husband you have two options
1. Be quite and prayerful or
2. Take the easy and hard decision out of the marriage

But who will suffer your kids will suffer and don't forget your husband can give a good narrative to who cares to listen how bad you are and not a wife material kind of woman.

So madam I will simply ask you to find happiness in yourself and your kids. Cuz that man is a failed project. No matter what you try you can never win. You can't please them. So do yourself a favor and relax your mind and learn to listen and talk less no matter what.

Simple yes sir and sorry sir will give you peace of mind. Even though he is wrong just tell him sorry without asking for explanation.. and be happy

If you need companion come to Nairaland and read comments and laugh away your sorrow.... I dey with you ma

You just won a spot in me heart.
That's the way to go.
Also try to save ooo, if bad market enter you need to cut out.

This was actually a good read and the comments are wonderful.

Best thread I've seen in a while.

anslem04:




LOL ! no one teaches a man all these things you say, sense of entitlement is in every man just as it is in a lion to roar, a dog to bark and a roaster to crow. many times i hear women antagonize that word "Ego" buh the fact is any man without an ego is either a transgender or incomplete being. to gain point women use the word "servant" in a proper context they say "am i your maid" lol! if only women could think logically, shuld we compare real maids with wives how many maid enjoy what a wife enjoys ... how many maids wear expensive aso ebi, av a car or a home to claim, how many maids are given privileges to manage the family financing.
if cooking for ur children is a duty why shuld cooking for ur hubby be termed "slavery"
Lemme burst ur bubble, 80% of men out there are different from there fathers, we all know our forefathers have polygamous home buh how many men today are coping that, our forefathers hardly educate there daughters buh today many men are training female child with so much love ... we watch n learn buh what we turn out to be dependly greatly on exposure & what is inside us superceeded by conscience ... have you not seen son of a herbalist becum a pastor ddnt he grow watching his father, bottomline men av a "mind of there own".
If you insist on training, well do you know mothers have greater influence over children than fathers.. if men are failure it still women fault.

men of today had no other option than to adapt ,it's not as if they are any better ,infact today's men are worse than our fathers of old, from Abuja fine boys lazying about looking for working class women to prey on,to men like the op's husband.

In other words ,you said;

Men are born entitled and egocentric.A man without an ego is not a real man.

Women are a higher maids cos they have more benefits than maids.


Women are to train their daughters and also train their sons while their fathers are mere figure heads.


Men of old hardly educated their daughters so women of this generation should be happy and greatful to even have an education because their fathers allowed it.

I think that sums it up .

veave:
Hian.

Wetin I go talk go pain you o. But na the truth I go tell you. Madam, right now I can't tell you to start with 50% so I will say 20%.

Thank God there is covid and I pray your job doesn't get affected. As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.
No this kain thing make me say I no go marry "brother" when I dey small. Most of them are lazy and are dreamers. They expect manner to fall from heaven after their praying and fasting forgetting Paul had a handiwork that sustained him all through his life hence he didn't have to beg and depend on anyone. I no dey like this kind jist. He's not even appreciative of his supportive wife. I know women who use all their money to buy shoes, clothes and the latest asoebi, their husbands dare not say pim because they'd even take his own and join.

I don’t advise lying about salary as money is one of the most common problems in Marriage.To be fair to him you said he pays the rent and the school fees so he is trying as well.Every marriage has small issues don’t let anyone tag it Nigerian marriage.Keep two human beings in the same space and once in a while tension will rise and fall.You both need to communicate more and if it’s not working then it’s not working.
WAIT” bruises from him?.and you are still there?.

Hmm bimbo na me find u come here �

Alawaxbimbex:
With the kind of stories I read daily on nairaland about marriage...I'm so scared of marriage ooo...God pls bless me with a good husband when it's time for me to marry

KBARBIE:
It is well with all women..

Do u know men are scared of Women more than women do to men?

toofine765:
I have never seen someone describe my husband so vividly. I have made up mind not to fight him nor make him my problem. My utmost desire now is to see how my kids would excel in school so I deliberately concentrate most of my energy on them. When he starts ranting, I give him the silent treatment and patiently wait for him to get done so I can leave that place as any word I utter would only aggreviate the whole issue. However once in a long while I give him.back so he will know there is a limit any human can go to

Spoken a s a woman after my heart.
Way to go, na to dey do like mumu for him front sure pass; before coffin bearers carry person body comot for house.
Abeg this life i can't kill myself.

KBARBIE:
It is well with all women..

Do u know men are scared of Women more than women do to men? I'm not married today is bcuz I'm scared of Women wahala

@poster, get in touch with UDOKABESTLUV for marriage advice.

When better people be dey chyke you you nor gree nah.see where you don end up.to all the girls that like forming continue forming.one day hand go meet all of una.

Ladies, wivies and mothers of nowadays

They all want a settled home

They all want to celebrate 50years marriage anniversary

They all want to see their children grow to become prosperous in life

BUT .....

THEY DON'T WANT TO SUBMIT TO THEIR HUSBANDS

THEY DON'T WHAT TO SHARE THEIR SALARIES WITH THEIR HUSBAND TO SUPPLEMENT THE MAN'S EFFORTS ( even if it is to spend all they have on the family)

ThEY DONT WANT TO SACRIFICE AT ALL ..... ( all should be the man's duty .... any thing they do at all they will always want to take it back )

ASK YOUR MOTHERS HOW THEY DID IT

HOW THEY WERE ABLE TO CELEBRATE 30, 40, 50 years anniversary of their marriages


HOW THEY WERE ABLE TO TOLERATE THEIR HUSBANDS TO THE POINT THEY BOTH SAW YOU GROW OLD AND SEE YOU BECOME SUCCESSFUL

HOW THEY SACRIFICE ALL THEY HAD (financially , emotionally , psychologically) TO MAKE THEIR MARRIAGES WORK

HOW THEY ALL FOLLOWED WHAT THE BIBLE AND QURAN SAY ABOUT HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR HUSBANDS



A wise woman builds her home !