Simran94:

I’m done talking to you dude

U welcome. Thank me later

Dextre:



You ladies can make rash decisions sha. You gave him an ultimatum, just imagine nonsense yarns. As his partner, you should sit him down and try to hear him out, talmbout giving ultimatum, God nor allow you use your hand end your relationship, your eye go clear then

And how long is she supposed to sit him down and try to hear him out? She has she has asked him severally and he keeps telling her to forget about it. How would you advise your sister to get married into a home where there are lots of secrets and malice going on without knowing what the problem is?

Why is it difficult for the guy to confide in the woman he wants to marry?

Simran94:

And how long is she supposed to sit him down and try to hear him out? She has she has asked him severally and he keeps telling her to forget about it. How would you advise your sister to get married into a home where there are lots of secrets and malice going on without knowing what the problem is?

Why is it difficult for the guy to confide in the woman he wants to marry?

There are cuts that are so deep the make take years to package sef. Abeg , the OP didn't do right giving ultimatum. Why the mama herself no give her husband and her son that kain ultimatum instead?

If his mum was my mum, we would definitely have it out.

Kobojunkie:
There are cuts that are so deep the make take years to package sef. Abeg , the OP didn't do right giving ultimatum. Why the mama herself no give her husband and her son that kain ultimatum instead?

If his mum was my mum, we would definitely have it out.

Yeah the ultimatum wasn’t necessary at all.
But then again, for his mom to be shedding tears and telling the girl to talk to her fiancée about the issue with his dad says a lot about how deep it is.

Sometimes it’s easier to open up to your partner than your parents about personal issues.
Now, it’s like she’s playing game of die if she goes ahead to marry him.
He needs to talk to someone about his hurt as regards his dad, because it will keep eating him up inside and might end up transferring all that aggression to her if they get married.

Simran94:
1. Yeah the ultimatum wasn’t necessary at all.
But then again, for his mom to be shedding tears and telling the girl to talk to her fiancée about the issue with his dad says a lot about how deep it is.

2. Sometimes it’s easier to open up to your partner than your parents about personal issues.
Now, it’s like she’s playing game of die if she goes ahead to marry him.
He needs to talk to someone about his hurt as regards his dad, because it will keep eating him up inside and might end up transferring all that aggression to her if they get married.

1. Why didn't she also shed the details of the grudge while she was at it? She was wrong for letting a fuse of the gals head in the way she said without at least spilling on the part her husband played in it. So is this gal supposed to go interrogate her father-in-law?

2. You said it yourself. "Sometimes", not all times. And no, she is not playing any game except an imagined one in my opinion. You and I don't know if the man has already confided in a friend or even one of dem pastor friends people love to have in this, so let's not pretend his secret is a make or break as far as his person is concerned.

Look his issue with his dad is that, his issue with his dad. She is marrying him and not that man and last I checked, marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman... not in-laws and definitely not fathers. So if I were to have someone in her shoes, I would advice them to talk to him about it and wait patiently for him to open up in time..

Dextre:


Honestly brother, I’m in awe of how some ladies think. Are we not doomed in this country like this with these types of women flocking around

Brother, it's better we remain single for our sanity cause I doubt say wife still dey

Jennyclay:
Good afternoon nairalanders and Happy new year to everyone. I promise to be brief.

My fiance and I hv been dating for 2 years. He's doing well for himself, he's humble, he's quick to apologize even when you're at fault. He calls his mom and siblings regularly, but he don't talk to his Dad. If I ask, he would say forget about him

My fiance has been keeping malice with his father for 3 years now. I don't know what transpired between them because he would never tell me. He act like his father doesn't exist.

His mom and I do talk on phone once in a while. Yesterday I called her to wish her happy new year, we spoke well and she prayed for me. Abt 10 mins later she called back, but this time she was crying, She explained how his son has not been talking to his Father, she said this year 2022 would make it 3 years, she said they have called elders and pastors to talk to him but all to no avail. She said It would be her greatest joy if I also help her talk to him since he loves me so much. We were on the phone for over 45min.

Nairalanders, he's coming to seek my hand in marriage by March but I'm scared and here are my reasons. 1) His he pretending to be nice to me 2) what if we have little misunderstanding when we get married will he forgive me or keep malice with me for years

I was so angry at him, I told him that I'm giving him now till month end to reconcile every conflict or dispute he has with his father else I'm calling our relationship a quit, because this character seems to be a redflag to me. He started begging me, he said I don't understand yet he's not telling me anything.

I'm really confused. Please help a sister.

I perfectly understand your fiancé. I think you’re doing him a disservice. Have you asked why he specifically does not speak to his dad but has a good relationship with everyone else? I haven’t spoken to my dad in 3 years too… there are reasons for it and I am finally at peace with that decision. Thankfully I am married to a wife who thoroughly understands and never holds that against me. Your fiancé needs someone he can trust, not someone who irrationally makes decisions without thoughtful consideration of the facts.

I sincerely hope you people that comes to NL seeking advice had sought a counselor before hand because I can guarantee you 85% of audience on here will mislead you with childish advise

If he can do such to his papa then ur own might be on the way moving forward. If he loves you as he claims then he should tell you and then make amends with the father. Never u go and Inherit enemity in name of marriage and don't forget happy homes make everything perfect

2special:
How can that be a red flag, probably you don't know red flag, you better stick to the guy.

a man that cannot settle an issue with his father a fellow man for 3 years is a big red flag,how possible does he think he can exist peacefully with a woman if he has such an unforgiving and Ridgid mindset,a man that will have a peaceful marriage will be calm, patient, forgiving and be ready to see issues from his partner s perspective because sometimes women can make you go nuts

okoroemeka:
a man that cannot settle an issue with his father a fellow man for 3 years is a big red flag,how possible does he think he can exist peacefully with a woman if he has such an unforgiving and Ridgid mindset,a man that will have a peaceful marriage will be calm, patient, forgiving and be ready to see issues from his partner s perspective because sometimes women can make you go nuts

Very disjointed family. I will not support my daughter or sister to marry into such a disjointed family. If they cannot resolve their family squabbles amicably, I would not want my daughter, sister or their children to also be dragged into animosity they know no nothing about.

Kobojunkie:
1. Why didn't she also shed the details of the grudge while she was at it? She was wrong for letting a fuse of the gals head in the way she said without at least spilling on the part her husband played in it. So is this gal supposed to go interrogate her father-in-law?

2. You said it yourself. "Sometimes", not all times. And no, she is not playing any game except an imagined one in my opinion. You and I don't know if the man has already confided in a friend or even one of dem pastor friends people love to have in this, so let's not pretend his secret is a make or break as far as his person is concerned.

Look his issue with his dad is that, his issue with his dad. She is marrying him and not that man and last I checked, marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman... not in-laws and definitely not fathers. So if I were to have someone in her shoes, I would advice them to talk to him about it and wait patiently for him to open up in time..

Okay, let’s look at this post on twitter a long time ago.

There was a post on twitter one time that a step-father sexually abused his step-son while he was a child and it never stopped till he left for the university.
This guy somehow ended up being gay even though he refused to admit it by getting himself a girlfriend but still some part of him was interested in guys.
He obviously never went back home because his mom knew about it later on but because it was her husband, she didn’t want to react in any way, so the boy refused talking to his parents and never went back.

Now, after school he decided to propose to this gf so they can get married, he thought his being interested in guys would close up if he married a woman. He never told anyone about what his step-father did to him except his mom.
They got married, the wife brought in a maid(guy) to help her with work.
Someway somehow, after a couple of months being married. She caught her husband having sex with this same guy(maid).

I just summarized the story, it was a post on twitter sometime ago.

Back to this lady, if this was to be the case of her fiancée and his father, does she still not have the right to know what she is getting herself into by marrying him?

Simran94:

And how long is she supposed to sit him down and try to hear him out? She has she has asked him severally and he keeps telling her to forget about it. How would you advise your sister to get married into a home where there are lots of secrets and malice going on without knowing what the problem is?

Why is it difficult for the guy to confide in the woman he wants to marry?

There is problem is families, secretive or not. How she has transcribed this problem to her own problem baffles me. You don’t give ultimatum, who are you to do that? Hin mama sef nor give am ultimatum. Do you know what could make a son not speak with his father for years? Any idea how grave it must be? You are talking shibiri. See ehn, na she know

Dextre:


There is problem is families, secretive or not. How she has transcribed this problem to her own problem baffles me. You don’t give ultimatum, who are you to do that? Hin mama sef nor give am ultimatum. Do you know what could make a son not speak with his father for years? Any idea how grave it must be? You are talking shibiri. See ehn, na she know

I am not in support of that ultimatum sha, it wasn’t necessary.

Back to the matter of the guy and father, what if this was a case of sexual abuse? I have seen this before it’s either step-father sexually abused his stepson or father sexually abused his son.
If this is the case, the girl has every right to know before marrying that guy.

Simran94:
I just summarized the story, it was a post on twitter sometime ago.

Back to this lady, if this was to be the case of her fiancée and his father, does she still not have the right to know what she is getting herself into by marrying him?

Are you seriously asking me if this lady has a right to know if her fiance was molested by his father or not?

If she knows this to be the case, is it so she can abandon the guy with the conclusion being that he is likely guy or what exactly?

Or is it so she can somehow automagically provide him heaing from such a past?

I am not exactly sure what applying this scenario ought to change of anything here.

I believe there is a difference between malice and I forgive you and forget you .get to understand what transpired between both parties before you give your ultimatum

Kobojunkie:
Are you seriously asking me if this lady has a right to know if her fiance was molested by his father or not?

If she knows this to be the case, is it so she can abandon the guy with the conclusion being that he is likely guy or what exactly?

Or is it so she can somehow automagically provide him heaing from such a past?

I am not exactly sure what applying this scenario ought to change of anything here.

What I am saying is if this is the case and it has turned him to something he never wanted to be, then she has every right to decide if she wants to continue with the marriage or not. Just like they say, everyone comes with a baggage, you should weigh if your partner’s own is something you can handle, if not you walk away.

People going into marriages with secrets would end up destroying their marriage. This is what courtship before marriage is for, know more about each other, your flaws and secrets before going in.

Simran94:
What I am saying is if this is the case and it has turned him to something he never wanted to be, then she has every right to decide if she wants to continue with the marriage or not. Just like they say, everyone comes with a baggage, you should weigh if your partner’s own is something you can handle, if not you walk away.

People going into marriages with secrets would end up destroying their marriage. This is what courtship before marriage is for, know more about each other, your flaws and secrets before going in

I am not here saying that she should not learn the particulars of the problem between the man and his father. What I am saying instead is she shouldn't make it about her person. If she wants to marry him, she should marry him regardless of the issue. And if she doesn't, she doesn't make it about the issue.

There is baggage and then then there is baggage. This lady is not marrying the man's father and so the relationship between this man and his father is not for her to carry as her own.

Your Twitter story is quite incomplete and this because there isn't really anyway a person can hide such deep hurt without signs oozing from some orifice in him - no pun intended. You have a man who you claim to have been turned gay by rape incidents and you are expecting me to believe he was able to hide his hurt perfectly from his wife to be? The man was also have been a psychopath or sociopath of sorts for that to have happened.

Kobojunkie:
I am not here saying that she should not learn the particulars of the problem between the man and his father. What I am saying instead is she shouldn't make it about her person. If she wants to marry him, she should marry him regardless of the issue. And if she doesn't, she doesn't make it about the issue.

There is baggage and then then there is baggage. This lady is not marrying the man's father and so the relationship between this man and his father is not for her to carry as her own.

Your Twitter story is quite incomplete and this because there isn't really anyway a person can hide such deep hurt without signs oozing from some orifice in him - no pun intended. You have a man who you claim to have been turned gay by rape incidents and you are expecting me to believe he was able to hide his hurt perfectly from his wife to be? The man was also have been a psychopath or sociopath of sorts for that to have happened.

So you mean you don’t know some gay men get married to women just to hide their “sexuality” from people?
And it only becomes late for these women until they find out the truth later in the marriage?
Wow.
Try and follow DearMac on IG and see anonymous messages about some issues married people face in their homes.

Simran94:
So you mean you don’t know some gay men get married to women just to hide their “sexuality” from people?
And it only becomes late for these women until they find out the truth later in the marriage?
Wow.
Try and follow DearMac on IG and see anonymous messages about some issues married people face in their homes.

The man you described was not gay but was turned confused by his step father's rape. With good mental health treatment of his traumatic experience, the man could probably go back to living a normal life without the confusion out in him by his experience. Cases such as these have been documented and treated.

Ofcourse I know that many gay individuals hide behind marriage... that mainly because society looks down on them for being gay, however, concluding that a man who was raped by another man is gay and hence to be cast out is unfair.

If this woman is having second thoughts, she should leave the man. Maybe her leaving will even spur him to finally resolving the issues with his dad so it does not bite him twice.

Kobojunkie:
The man you described was not gay but was turned confused by his step father's rape. With good mental health treatment of his traumatic experience, the man could probably go back to living a normal life without the confusion out in him by his experience. Cases such as these have been documented and treated.

Ofcourse I know that many gay individuals hide behind marriage... that mainly because society looks down on them for being gay, however, concluding that a man who was raped by another man is gay and hence to be cast out is unfair.

If this woman is having second thoughts, she should leave the man. Maybe her leaving will even spur him to finally resolving the issues with his dad so it does not bite him twice.

Uhm… there was no where I concluded this though. I said what if it was a case of sexual abuse AND it turned him to be what he doesn’t want to

Simran94:
Uhm… there was no where I concluded this though. I said what if it was a case of sexual abuse AND it turned him to be what he doesn’t want to

Let's assume this to have been the case here, what choices would the Op have?

A. She abandons him
B. She marries him and probably faces the demons from his past in her marriage

Kobojunkie:
Let's assume this to have been the case here, what choices would the Op have?

A. She abandons him
B. She marries him and probably faces the demons from his past in her marriage

Exactly

Simran94:

I am not in support of that ultimatum sha, it wasn’t necessary.

Back to the matter of the guy and father, what if this was a case of sexual abuse? I have seen this before it’s either step-father sexually abused his stepson or father sexually abused his son.
If this is the case, the girl has every right to know before marrying that guy.

Why will your mind go to sexual abuse? Why are you imagining the worst case serenio. That being too negative. I doubt it has anything to do with sexual abuse, else the mother and family would not be comfortable asking the proposed wife to intervene. I suspect its either physical abuse or financial misunderstandings.

I don't necessarily support an ultimatum, but I support holding off the marriage until the girl knows what the real bone of contention between her boyfriend and father is.

drnoel:


This is a very childish immature comment. Follow at u detriment

Mr I too sabi

Wehdone oh

Continue forming adulthood

Simran94:

I am not in support of that ultimatum sha, it wasn’t necessary.

Back to the matter of the guy and father, what if this was a case of sexual abuse? I have seen this before it’s either step-father sexually abused his stepson or father sexually abused his son.
If this is the case, the girl has every right to know before marrying that guy.

I’m not saying she doesn’t have the right to know. I said she is handling it the wrong way totally

Konjiboi:


Mr I too sabi

Wehdone oh

Continue forming adulthood

Just waka pass

That's a red flag. Don't go into marriage with such people. Keeping malice with your own father for as long as 3 years? That's crazy and disrespectful. He will do worse to you or your family (probably your parents) when you get married.
You have a valid reason not to marry such please.

Rawtruth1:
Nairaland should provide emoj for hate. Your comment is horrible. You are already living under a curse, unknown to you and by Bible and traditions, long life has been forfeited by your actions against your biological father


quote author=DSoj post=110119969]Only 3 years?
Im on 18yrs

You can go to hell and rot in hell. I dont give a damn about what you think in ur useless head, u are not in my shoes so u are in no way to judge me or my actions. Neither do i owe u any form of behavioral antecedents. So shove your useless idiotic talk down ur horrible throat. FOOOOOOOL
Long life will not be your portion and that of your family. U will die prematurely and untimely in pains and anguish. Bastard

I didn't expect less from you as an untrained child. Needless telling you that I am old enough to be your grandfather but someone like you who hates his father can abuse even God. So I am surprised.

I advise you, for your own good, seek forgiveness from your father before its late.

As for me, I have already forgiven you for abusing me. I understand your situation.

God bless you

DSoj:


You can go to hell and rot in hell. I dont give a damn about what you think in ur useless head, u are not in my shoes so u are in no way to judge me or my actions. Neither do i owe u any form of behavioral antecedents. So shove your useless idiotic talk down ur horrible throat. FOOOOOOOL
Long life will not be your portion and that of your family. U will die prematurely and untimely in pains and anguish. Bastard

Rawtruth1:
I didn't expect less from you as an untrained child. Needless telling you that I am old enough to be your grandfather but someone like you who hates his father can abuse even God. So I am surprised.

I advise you, for your own good, seek forgiveness from your father before its late.

As for me, I have already forgiven you for abusing me. I understand your situation.

God bless you

Stupiid. Lol. U think u can judge ? Who needs your forgiveness? Who are U? Rat

Jennyclay:
Good afternoon nairalanders and Happy new year to everyone. I promise to be brief.

My fiance and I hv been dating for 2 years. He's doing well for himself, he's humble, he's quick to apologize even when you're at fault. He calls his mom and siblings regularly, but he don't talk to his Dad. If I ask, he would say forget about him

My fiance has been keeping malice with his father for 3 years now. I don't know what transpired between them because he would never tell me. He act like his father doesn't exist.

His mom and I do talk on phone once in a while. Yesterday I called her to wish her happy new year, we spoke well and she prayed for me. Abt 10 mins later she called back, but this time she was crying, She explained how his son has not been talking to his Father, she said this year 2022 would make it 3 years, she said they have called elders and pastors to talk to him but all to no avail. She said It would be her greatest joy if I also help her talk to him since he loves me so much. We were on the phone for over 45min.

Nairalanders, he's coming to seek my hand in marriage by March but I'm scared and here are my reasons. 1) His he pretending to be nice to me 2) what if we have little misunderstanding when we get married will he forgive me or keep malice with me for years

I was so angry at him, I told him that I'm giving him now till month end to reconcile every conflict or dispute he has with his father else I'm calling our relationship a quit, because this character seems to be a redflag to me. He started begging me, he said I don't understand yet he's not telling me anything.

I'm really confused. Please help a sister.

The first red flag is that he could keep malice for that long. Three good years? With his own father? Well of he can do it with his father he can do it with anyone including you.

The second red flag is that he fears no one and no one can really talk to him. If his mother, relatives and pastors have talked to him and he is not budging, then who would plead for you when you offend him as a wife? Who can you report him to when he starts misbehaving?

When any of your fiances parents come to you and plead and cry to you to change his mind or attitude on an issue and say that he may listen to you because he loves you, that is a serious issue. Because these are the people you should ideally report him to when you have irreconcilable issues with him. That they cannot handle him is a serious red flag.

Finally, the third flag is that he refuses to tell you what caused the malice. If his Mother, Pastors and Relatives saw it fit to plead with him on the matter, then it is not likely the father committed a grevious sin. Someone keeping malice and refusing to tell you the cause but wants you to just flow with him doesn't value whatever you would have to say.

Think about these red flags very well before you walk into something you may regret in the future. Wives will always offend husbands o!