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What A Wife - Jokes Etc - Nairaland

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What A Wife by mimiko(f): 2:03pm On Aug 09, 2007
husband and wife on newyear eve promise eachother not to cheat again but if they ve to they would represent each time with a grain of rice and bring to the table the next newyear eve, and they both agreed
next new year eve, on the table: husband really looking sober with his can of rice seeing his wife an empty can
Husband: as he counts the grains 1 2 3 4 ,,  , 78  honey am really sorry i tried but u know, n the wife interupted.
Wife : honey its alright actually we re having mine for dinner
husband: shocked
Re: What A Wife by CrazyMan(m): 2:29pm On Aug 09, 2007
I didn't quite get it . undecided
Re: What A Wife by Nobody: 2:56pm On Aug 09, 2007
crazykid:

I didn't quite get it . undecided

Just try to imagine the number of cans of rice the wife has cooked so there would be one can left.

I am sure they'll have enough rice for 10 years!
Re: What A Wife by ovic(m): 3:02pm On Aug 09, 2007
i still don't get it. what's with the cans?
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 3:14pm On Aug 09, 2007
can u count the amount of rice u eat! wink
Re: What A Wife by tjtj1(m): 3:15pm On Aug 09, 2007
funny man, so the number of times the wife's being cheating is used for their meal. lol shocked grin[s][/s]
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 4:16pm On Aug 09, 2007
cool
Re: What A Wife by Aiphie(f): 6:30pm On Aug 09, 2007
Nice one mimi
That wife hmmmmm
Re: What A Wife by ghettochyk(f): 7:39pm On Aug 09, 2007
lol. funny joke!
Re: What A Wife by marlet01(m): 11:37pm On Aug 09, 2007
Nice.
Re: What A Wife by CrazyMan(m): 11:49pm On Aug 09, 2007
michelin89:

Just try to imagine the number of cans of rice the wife has cooked so there would be one can left.

I am sure they'll have enough rice for 10 years!
I do get it now. She should have compose it better
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 11:10am On Aug 10, 2007
The real reason Udeme is considered great



Udeme wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Udeme is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Udeme had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of paracetamol next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Udeme sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the paracetamol, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to get provisions to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling!

Love, Ngozi"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Udeme asks, "Son, What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 11:13am On Aug 10, 2007
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."





Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Re: What A Wife by clemcykul(f): 11:53am On Aug 13, 2007
crazykid i know u to be very sensible and articulate, could you plz stop being a critic of this joke nd learn to appreciate nice jokes wen u see one? am expectn ur jokes grin grin grin grin mimi ure too much grin grin grin thumps up, a pleasant week to you gorl!!!! smiley
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 12:57pm On Aug 13, 2007
READ THE CONVERSATION: Hello? Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetery in Bridge- WHAT?! If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you - You reserved what for me, A grave? A free burial space. What's the difference? Well, the word "grave" can be scary sir. You can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtesy call to - How interesting. So, as a Telemarketer, you pick up the phone and cold call people to pitch them with offers? Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them - Of course. Who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definitely interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before you die, right? I agree with you sir. You're so open-minded about this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself. I see say na you dem send come. I'm sorry? Send, come? Oh, they don't use the witchdoctor in the village anymore, right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you dem send come! I'm sorry sir, but I don't know what you're talking about. I get fillage too o! I be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me Gold Circle condom protection, you hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like? I don't understand what you're saying - You go understand by force. Na airmail I go take send winch to you, you hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do halloween. You tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America? You tink na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show you where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-color winch, For my fillage, na your eyes I go take flavor the juju. You go know betta winch when my own army land. I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way - You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do I sound offended? Why would I be offended because you - kind-hearted telemarketer that you are - reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old I am? 32. In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them? I didn't mean anything - You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare you wish me death - No, that's not what - I DON'T CARE! Do you know how many years I worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 years. 10! Do you know how many laws I broke in so many countries before I found my way here? I have been here only 2 years. All the people who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because I am just now able to afford a telephone because I cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before I can even begin to enjoy a little, Ah, your own don spoil o. I swear, e no go betta for you. E no, what? Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes dem go take cry for you for dat yeye grave wey you don reserve for yaself. Are you cussing me sir? Cuss you? Why should I? Why would I want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country. I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me. See dis wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish, Look, just as an aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard? Some of them do have - No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of dem make una dey go do whassup my dog for Hollywood, abi na where you dey call from. I have to hang up now sir. Before you hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them they have a free burial space, then try to get them to buy expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it called? Bait and switch, right? I don't know what you're talking about. You get pickin? Get picking? Picking what? You get pickin? You don born bomboy? Mai you dash your pickin the grave now. Dash picking, You' re dissing me? Diss? Dis one pass diss, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S., kiss - serious kiss of death. I have to hang up now sir. No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetery for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily Times obituary section - That's mean! You can't talk to me like that just because I'm a telemarketer. We are people too. Yes, bad people, People who call me at all kinds of hours to trick me into buying what I don't need. I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported! My juju go don finish you before you reach the place! Winch pass winch! You no go die betta, I tell you. I go make sure say dem give you craze first, make you waka enter K-Mart abi wetin una dey call market for dis side - before dem finish you! She reserve grave, Why you no take knife come kill me yaself? E no go betta for - Hello? You hang up? Why you no wait make I finish? Why you no wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 1:01pm On Aug 13, 2007
@ clemcykul
tx u have a lovely week ahead aswell
Re: What A Wife by Kaykerry(m): 4:16pm On Aug 13, 2007
that wife must be an harlot
Re: What A Wife by Nobody: 7:42pm On Aug 13, 2007
Kaykerry:

that wife must be an harlot

What about the man? After all he brought more than 70 cans of rice.

What's this double standard? Why are u such a hypocrite?
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 12:14pm On Aug 14, 2007
Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought,
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids,
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day,
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there,

On the couch,



Naked.
Re: What A Wife by phenomenon(m): 12:24pm On Aug 14, 2007
nice one you! grin cheesy still cracking up! cheesy cool.
Re: What A Wife by phenomenon(m): 12:28pm On Aug 14, 2007
Really hope you're not the wfe! grin. Wonder if you made that up yourself. You shud be on stage if you did. grin grin grin
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 12:58pm On Aug 14, 2007
wink
Re: What A Wife by kittyclanz(m): 9:18pm On Aug 14, 2007
nice jokes
grin grin grin grin
Re: What A Wife by spikelord(m): 12:51am On Aug 15, 2007
One of these days, u'll send me to the wasters with these jokes of yours
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 1:22pm On Aug 15, 2007
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success
as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "Billionaire
Re: What A Wife by phenomenon(m): 9:20pm On Aug 15, 2007
Nice one grin grin! like this one too cheesy cheesy.
Re: What A Wife by rasulua(m): 10:14pm On Aug 15, 2007
Lol
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 9:50am On Aug 16, 2007
three women visits a psychologist for addiction problems, psychologist relates to the women on how they have made thier addiction tell on thier kids names

psychlogist says to the 1st woman: meryline your adiction on sweet things made u name ur daughter Candy

psychologist says to the2nd woman: Debbie your addiction on liqour made u name ur girl Brandy

And before the psychologist turned to the 3rd woman she stands up with so much anger grabed her sons arm and says DICK come lets go! we need to get out of here and not listen to this rubbish
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 1:02pm On Aug 17, 2007
cool
Re: What A Wife by rasulua(m): 2:52pm On Aug 17, 2007
Oh my GOD.lmao
Re: What A Wife by BabyGlow(f): 1:58am On Aug 18, 2007
cool cool cool


Mimiko! You rock girl! definitely more funny than phenomenon (no offence meant)


Nice ones grin grin grin


cool cool cool
Re: What A Wife by mimiko(f): 1:14pm On Aug 21, 2007
;d

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