Pls i need matured advise on this issue. it is a personal issue as its concerning me.
Today I've decided to get divorced from my husband of 7yrs. We've had series of heated arguements that ended with that resolve. we live in the UK. I am the primary breadwinner as i've worked hard 2 keep the family (myself, hubby n child) together. I'd love to have more kids but my salary is barely enough to sustain us so no space for a 2nd child.
My concerns are how my child will fare when he's with his dad as his dad hasnt worked in the past 3 years and collectively hasnt held a job for upto 8month during the period of our marriage. I dont want my child to suffer whilst he's with his dad as we've discussed shared custody. However i do not want to carry on funding an "expected acceptable" lifestyle.
My hubby is very good with out child. very doting and loving father (physically) but not practically.
I'm willing to try it out as a single working mother in the UK and if that doesnt work out, i'll return to Nigeria.
How easy is it to cope as a single working mother in the UK or in Nigeria? Has any of you experienced it? know someone going through something similar? Are you okay in sharing experiences or advise to me on what to do, what to expect et al.

If you don't mind my asking, what kind of arguments do you two have? What was the straw that broke the camels back?

I have single mums as friends and they tell me it is not easy.

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Pls i need matured advise on this issue. it is a personal issue as its concerning me.
Today I've decided to get divorced from my husband of 7yrs. We've had series of heated arguements that ended with that resolve. we live in the UK. I am the primary breadwinner as i've worked hard 2 keep the family (myself, hubby n child) together. I'd love to have more kids but my salary is barely enough to sustain us so no space for a 2nd child.
My concerns are how my child will fare when he's with his dad as his dad hasnt worked in the past 3 years and collectively hasnt held a job for upto 8month during the period of our marriage.  I dont want my child to suffer whilst he's with his dad as we've discussed shared custody. However i do not want to carry on funding an "expected acceptable" lifestyle.
My hubby is very good with out child. very doting and loving father (physically) but not practically.
I'm willing to try it out as a single working mother in the UK and if that doesnt work out, i'll return to Nigeria.
How easy is it to cope as a single working mother in the UK or in Nigeria? Has any of you experienced it? know someone going through something similar? Are you okay in sharing experiences or advise to me on what to do, what to expect et al.

@ poster

1. It looks like you two have made up your minds to divorce having discussed how to share custody? Which means you do not need advise on how to live as a family?
2. You said your husband is very good and a loving father but not practically. How? Is it because he has no money to contribute?
It depends on what you want in life wheather married or single mums nothing is easy but one is more honourable in Africa.  Encourage your husband to get a job. Tell him your worries and work things out.

Thank u al for your candid advise. Yes at this ppint m not interested in makin d marriage work. My mind is pretty much made up I just need very practical advise on how to jugggle work and childcare and all.
There have bn sevEral issues brewing for a while on both sides however yesterday's issue was that a guy who wanted 2 date me b4 I met my hubby (whom I'd told my hubby abt) send me a FB msg checkin up on me and in it he started by sayin 'hey love' how r u, ur hubby, son etc and my hubby flipped out sayin I was cheating online, Y is sum1 callin me 'love'. This is a guy last saw 8yrs ago. We don't even live In d same country. D issues of infidelity has always bn thrown back @ me despite me tryin my best 2 satisfy my hubby. I got married wen I was 18. I'd b 26yrs in a few wks time and I feel like ve slaved all of my youth 4 a very frustrated angry unappreciative man. I worked 2 pay my fees thru uni in d UK whilst studyin 4 my undergraduate degree. D only time my hubby'll make an effort 2 look 4 money 2 contribute is wen his family demands 4, which he'll borrow 4m frnds and then wen I gEt paid I transfer d money 2 his acc so dt he cld pay back d debt. M just tired

Have you got relatives? mum, dad, sis, brother?

Yes I do have relatives but they all in Nigeria. M not really a social person so don't have friends in England either.

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He choose not to work because he feels some jobs r below him. He hasn't got any health or Visa problems dt'll affect his ability to hold a job

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OP
Let me stick to your question :
I'm not a single mom. But I know quite a few who are. And according to them, it is definitely not easy, even with all the money in the world.
A child may not think of who gets the money to buy him clothes or food. But he may notice much simpler things, which often we adults consider silly. You have mentioned your hubby has not been working, and hence I assume he gets to spend more time with the kid. You said the man is a doting dad, so the child is definitely going to miss his dad. We need to understand that there are certain areas of parenting that are meant for fathers, things only a dad can do.
Since your child has been used to having a dad and mom together, under one roof, it may not be easy on him. You need to try twice as much to make him emotionally strong to go through this phase. Also need to be cautious not to mention anything ill about his dad. Just explain that it is better that dad and mom stay apart for sometime, if he is old enough to understand.

@ Poster, Chaircover has said exactly what was on my mind, i will only say, 'calm down' and think it through very well before you divorce, you can separate for the time being and see how things turn out. If you are going to leave him completely, let it not be because of one of your ex-lovers or for financial reasons.

@ Keepingmum,
My dear,am going to say this once.If you are looking for advise this is the last place to come to,already the cabal that holds sway on this forum is out in full force and soon they will advise you to leave your husband.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND.
I am telling you from experience,
Divorce is not a joking matter.You have spent eight years of your life with this man and you need to sit down and talk things over,one on one.
It definately is not his fault he is unemployed.He just wants a job that suits his status.The first way to a solution is for you to help him look for a job,and I know you can do it.
PLEASE do not leave him,you have a child between the two of you and you need to consider this.
At least your man is not cheating on you.The little problem you have can be solved.It only needs a little effort.

And by the way what are you doing on facebook when you should be helping your husband get a job.
Warning you my dear,the grass always looks greener in the other field!

@Op,

Quick question.

If an old lover of your husband talks to him on facebook using words like 'hey love' how r u, your hubby, son "

Can you be honest enough and tell us what your reactions would be?

The facebook matter is not the only issue here, let's not focus on that one thing and forget the bigger picture here; which is her husband's unwillingness to get a means of livelihood or hold down a job for any reasonable length of time.

There is dignity in labour, as long as a person does honest work to earn a living am cool with that, but excuses about a job being beneath one's status when jobs are becoming hard to find in the UK is not acceptable. Meanwhile the man who says a job is not good enough for him is busy relying on others for financial assistance and going into debt

I believe the poster would react in a similar way (as her husband) about the facebook issue, but I think the dude is just holding on to that and using it as an excuse to pick a fight and not deal with the real issues threatening his marriage.

Mind you the poster did not ask to be called ''hey love'' her ex may have just used the phrase innocently with no pun intended and according to her they've not been in touch for 8 years.

let me make something clear. I am not divorcing him because of an ex. The person who sent me the mail was never a BF to start with. He was someone who was interested in me as a single lady and i made my husband aware at the time. Again, the msg in which the "hey love" reference was made was sent in April to which i did not reply. The divorce option for me is mainly because i believe i have tried my best as a supportive wife, taking care of my home and my man for 7years whilst not getting any support from him rather i'm rewarded with accusations.
I have sent several job applications to my husband that i feel would fit his "profile" and admittedly some that i feel would help ease the financial burden and stress on me however majority of them he has turned down giving one excuse or the other, whilst the ones he has successfully applied for, he hasnt been successful in the recruitment process.

You created the monster. Sorry to tell you so. Why would you pay back people that he owes. He does not want to work because the job is beneath him? Someone that cannot buy tissue paper to wipe his bum is talking about a job being beneath him. You have a child to raise. if you choose to be a single mother just make that decision with honesty. It will not be easy but many women are forced to do it all the time. Keep the relationship with the child and his dad as healthy as possible. Don't deny him access to his child especially since he is very close to the child. As for the facebook comment I can definitely see why he would be jealous but after you explain to him and reassure him that should have been the end of that discussion.

Your husband is a lazy as.s and after feeding him and sheltering him , you will still help him to find a job, In this Uk i have been trying to get a job for 2.5 years in a role , and in those 2.5 years every month i earn a pay check almost at par with my hubby from going to charity shops, car boot sale to buy petty things to sell on ebay, to exporting items to 9ja to be sold, to dropshipping, buy used cars ad resell on ebay while still applying for jobs as i want to be a career woman cum business woman too.
I have done NVQ et all, every free course that can further my career i have done, ANDI AM A WOMAN OH, I AM NOT THE BREADWINNER O.

Abeg follow chaircover's advise.

What kinda yeye doting father is that: if you as.s was lazy like his ;will your son have dinner tonight.
My dear no need to put fire under your skirt and not reach for extinguisher , damn any man who does not want to provide and protect his family while upholding his ego. I have done care job, cleaning old people yet i donot have to pay rent or buy food or clothes but i needed to do something for myself , no work is as shameful as laziness ,

Your hubby is complaining about love of facebook ( which by the way tell that facebook loverboy not to sand your garri bo)

You are still young and regret will not be your portion. If a job is beneath him then he is beneath you.

I run 3 successful businesses and still send my CV out around the internet for 3hours straight without prompting from my breadwinner ,
I hate lazy men , tell him to move with the foodchain , you are not his mother , whata spoilt brat.

considering the economic situation in the uk at the moment trust me u still need him job or no job sometimes in life u cant eat your cake and have it

horny4u:

Your husband is a lazy behind and after feeding him and sheltering him , you will still help him to find a job, In this Uk i have been trying to get a job for 2.5 years in a role , and in those 2.5 years every month i earn a pay check almost at par with my hubby from going to charity shops, car boot sale to buy petty things to sell on ebay, to exporting items to 9ja to be sold, to dropshipping, buy used cars ad resell on ebay while still applying for jobs as i want to be a career woman precipitate business woman too.
I have done NVQ et all, every free course that can further my career i have done, ANDI AM A WOMAN OH, I AM NOT THE BREADWINNER O.

Abeg follow chaircover's advise.

What kinda yeye doting father is that: if you behind was lazy like his ;will your son have dinner tonight.
My dear no need to put fire under your skirt and not reach for extinguisher , damn any man who does not want to provide and protect his family while upholding his ego. I have done care job, cleaning old people yet i donot have to pay rent or buy food or clothes but i needed to do something for myself , no work is as shameful as laziness ,

Your hubby is complaining about love of facebook ( which by the way tell that facebook loverboy not to sand your garri bo)

You are still young and regret will not be your portion. If a job is beneath him then he is beneath you.

I run 3 successful businesses and still send my CV out around the internet for 3hours straight without prompting from my breadwinner ,
I hate lazy men , tell him to move with the foodchain , you are not his mother , whata spoilt brat.

God! i love this girl!

Infact, horny4u, you are officially my role-model, .

My dear, so far i think chaircover's advice is the best, its quite unfortunate that there are no family members around to advice him. But you got married at such a young age, why so young? I can only imagine the pain and hurt you feel all these years. Please take heart, don't divorce your husband just yet, until you have tried everything possible to make it work. I think a seperation will work in this case, his eyes will open when he sees nobody to give him money. Also maybe its time to let them know what's  going on in nigeria, and i don't mean telling your family, but report him to his family so they can scold him.


That's by own two cents about the matter,

Richvkunt:

And by the way what are you doing on facebook when you should be helping your husband get a job.
Warning you my dear,the grass always looks greener in the other field!

She should be helping him find a job? Do you think at all?

My concerns are how my child will fare when he's with his dad as his dad hasnt worked in the past 3 years and collectively hasnt held a job for upto 8month during the period of our marriage.


The divorce option for me is mainly because i believe i have tried my best as a supportive wife, taking care of my home and my man for 7years whilst not getting any support from him rather i'm rewarded with accusations.



You made those 2 statement which sounded like he was not supportive when he was working as you have claimed not to have had any support from him for the past 7years in your second statement, I think we need to hear from this man lets not treat a one sided issue

@ OP

i hope your case will not be like that of Lovely( + some retired but not tired Italo prost.itures).


After working out on your husband/your marriage when the going is v rough for him(remember we've not heard his version of the story). He hammers 5 yrs down the line and decides to re-marry(M.J.)

pls don't come back to nairaland and brandish  your worthless paper marriage certificate to appeal to our emotion.

Be v sincere and answer this question: which tribe are you and your husband from?  i don't want to mention names but

it seems this scenario is synonymous with some cultures in nigeria-marry today and run away tomorrow.

i don't want to mention names.

one more question: b4 you people got married(or during your courtship), was your husband jobless? If he was: were you comfortable with it then?

if he had been gainfully employed b4 he married you, where and how did things start going wrong.

let me get this, your husband is loving and caring to both you and the child, but lacks financally,  First, i feel your pain, but isnt this marriage, till death do us path  would this be acceptable if it were the other way around , i.e the female not having the job.  Men are Ego oriented, broke or rich, you break your mans Ego, you break his will, stroke his Ego you get lucky, very few smart women know this,  This decision is not just about you, you have a family so consider such that  your son might not grow up hating you, pls consider that, especially when the reason was just money.  Its 60/40 nowadays you dont get 100, he might not have money but i think yall get along nice apart from money issues ( no cheating, physical/verbal maltreatment, abuse) . i think we all know what the other guy on fb is doing, never look down on your man pls, because at the back of the other guy on fb head  you are another mans property, he is just trying luck.  Obviously you loved him from a young age, you guys know the ins and out of each other, so talk talk and talk on how to compromise,
Is your husbanpd highly educated? the reason he deems some job unacceptable?  from the look of things money is such a vague thing to divorce over,especially after 7 yrs,  this your husband might finally land something big, and i hope the family is there together to share it.  consider it a stepping stone.

ZE:

@ OP

i hope your case will not be like that of Lovely( + some retired but not tired Italo prost.itures).


After working out on your husband/your marriage when the going is v rough for him(remember we've not heard his version of the story). He hammers 5 yrs down the line and decides to re-marry(M.J.)

pls don't come back to nairaland and brandish  your worthless paper marriage certificate to appeal to our emotion.

Be v sincere and answer this question: which tribe are you and your husband from?

it seems this scenario is synonymous with some cultures in nigeria-marry today and run away tomorrow.

one more question: b4 you people got married(or during your courtship), was your husband jobless? If he was: were you comfortable with it them?

if he was working b


i dont want to mention names,

chaircover's advice is still d best option 4 u.

This is too hilarious o!

I don't care about OP or her Husband, they are grown ups and will adjust, my only concern is the innocent chidlren.

OP, have you sat down and considered how this will affect his/her development?

Remember I haven't told you what to do, I only ask that you consider how this affects the innocent.

PS: By the way, maybe I'm in the minority but a Male emailing my Wife and saying Hi Love, is obviously unacceptable, but then I've been accused of bneing a knuckle dragging trioglodyte

I wish you the best for your family in the future but I don't think divorce is your answer.

PPS: It's clear now that NL is full of feminists, every single advice in this kind of situation always pegs the Male subject as the bad element. Be careful about advice's from here, even mine.

EuroMeko OUT.

Send him packing back to his fathers compound.

That's what I would do if I had a useless wife.

In the first instance report him to his people in Naija - they have a duty to talk to him.

If that doesn't work then try a tempoary seperation before divorce.

Once you divorce you will permanently have a negative stigma attached to you.

we are from different tribes. My only concern is my child. How he'll cope without both parents attention and love like he's been used to. He's family in Nigeria have been aware that he isnt employed as they've visited us for extended periods of time and saw the "home" as it were. My MIL says i should stay put in my home and do whatever my husband asks of me.
I have no intention or desire of badmouthing him however i feel like i've given this marriage my best shot, i've given it my all and i dont have anything left to give.
For those of you who keep bringing up the facebook friend thing, let me make it clear that i knew that guy before i met my hubby, he asked me out several times before i met my hubby, if i wanted to date this "guy" wont i have done it then? The fact that i said no to him at the time when i had no obligations should make you realise that i'm not stupid to leave my marriage because of another man (frankly, someone i havent seen in 8yrs or had a meaningful conversation with i'd term as a stranger).
I am just tired of the verbal and emotional abuse and threat i get from my husband who feels that insecure and believes its my responsibility to earn his trust and i've made it clear to him that if after 7years of marriage he cannot trust me, then we shouldnt be married. Besides i am a firm believer that you should never date or marry someone you dont trust to avoid heartbreaks/tumoils

why r some ppl here advising her to leave the husband, wat about her son the boy still need a father,life is about choices she has decided her fate from the day she married him ,HELLO PPL wat happened to for better for worse i guess it does not matter rite now because he has no job so lets all crucify and hang him rite. nonsense , DO U KNOW HOW MANY HUSBANDS HERE IN THE UK ARE WITHOUT JOBS . fine the man might be lazy its her cross to carry when the going was good were u ppl there silly people condeming him because you think you are better than him nonsense.