Madam poster, PLEASE do not leave this man! You havent said any tangible reason to make me think he is not a good husband. UK is tough at the mo, and to be honest with you, only a lucky few manage to be employed. However, that does not give an excuse for any man to be LAZY. However, joblessness is not laziness. Your husband may be jobless, but he certainly is doing alot for you. You look at the material aspect, forgetting the emotional aspects. Think of the days you had a bad day at work and got home for him to make everything look/seem calm. Think of the days you needed serious advice and he offered it at no price. Think of the day you were proud to be a mother. He didnt accept money for all that. His joblessness is an opportunity for you to build a brilliant life ahead.
No man is stupid. He sees all your efforts. The time you will reap it is close, but you just want to ruin it due to a rush of blood. You need to look around you in this UK and see how the life of women who did similar things ended. Your husband is not a cheat, he doesnt beat you, he cares about you and your baby. Yoruba say : Itelorun loba iwa. You need to wake up every morning and thank God for giving you a good husband. Pray for him. 8 yrs is nothing! Some women feed their husbands for over 20 years and  no one hears or knows about it, not even their grown up children. Women like that end up enjoying the later days of their marriage. I want you to think of the end and not the beginning. When you re-marry, whats the assurance that your new husband will tick all boxes? Think!

Its unfortunate that instead of people to give constructive advice like Chaircover et all, its more like women are defending the women and men the man, that is the wahala here.
OP,if u are a Christian, take it to God but do not consider divorce. It's just for me oh but divorce is left for physcally abused ppl n infidelity.
Cheers

@Poster,

you don't seek life changing advise from NL

Trust me, alot of the folks here arent married.

Get to your knees and seek GOD to guide you. If you're a christain, divorce can affect your relationship with GOD. I've seen alot of people who lost their joy because of it.

this hoes the same, all that change is the outfit

@op,i used to blame men harshly before but everyting changed since i went thru hell in d hands of my wife too.u claimed u ve been married for couple of years and ur hubby has not been working for the past three years which means he had worked before last three years,isn't it?so what makes u think d same man doesn't want to work again? I strongly believed u re not telling us d truth cos your story seems to have been written in ur favour.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I live in UK  and i ve been in dis situation where i couldn't find work(tried all means except fraud,theft) as a result of my pending case(visa issue)at home office and when i  eventually got my permanent stay,6 months after,i was still in labour market.I became  regular customer at most of job centres,job centre online etc but couldn't find job. D funny part of d story then was d fact that my wife did what u re doing then,she ll tell her friends,parents,siblings how i ve not been working,how she's  been d one supporting d family financially. Everybody around her was treating me as if i m nobody. I was frustrated and depressed and i regretted d fact i was married. She sold me out cheaply then but God turned d story around. However,i eventually got a job and i m doing pretty well now. My wife couldn't believe my financial status today. We re still together though but each time i remembered what i went thru,i always felt like asking her for divorce.

Lets be practical
How much does child care cost(about 600 pounds/month), if you work full time, you will need child care/creche or baby sitter. I believe your husband filled that role previously, what about house care:cleaning, etc, does he help ?. Maybe he wants to be a house husband, you work while he takes care of the house, have you two considered that. Remember, no man is perfect, he may be jobless but is he loving, would you swap him for a controlling man that is rich but extremely demanding,look before you leap my sister. If you were jobless and he was working and he makes the same accusation about this FB guy would you consider divorce after an argument. I DO NOT CONDONE HIM AT ALL, BUT PLEASE IF HE IS NOT VIOLENT, I WILL ADVICE YOU TO  RECONSIDER FOR ALL 3 OF YOU SAKE, try at working more on the marriage.No matter what people tell you DIVORCE IS EXPENSIVE IN EVERY WAY, ON ALL THE FAMILY , I HAVE SEEN IT.Please try more, MAY GOD GUIDE YOU AND SPEAK INTO YOUR MARRIAGE and bring healing, try a good church that emphasises strong marriage foundation, your husband could get counsel that will challenge him, don't give up, don't join those who have, YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN, you can save your future, that of your child and your husbands, remember how it was at the beginning, THE LOVE CAN BE REKINDLED.
check this out
http://www.dclm-liverpool.org.uk/

@op,i used to blame men harshly before but everyting changed since i went thru hell in d hands of my wife too.u claimed u ve been married for couple of years and your hubby has not been working for the past three years which means he had worked before last three years,isn't it?so what makes u think d same man doesn't want to work again? I strongly believed u re not telling us d truth cos your story seems to have been written in your favour. I live in UK and i ve been in dis situation where i couldn't find work(tried all means except fraud,theft) as a result of my pending case(visa issue)at home office and when i eventually got my permanent stay,6 months after,i was still in labour market.I became regular customer at most of job centres,job centre online etc but couldn't find job. D funny part of d story then was d fact that my wife did what u re doing then,she ll tell her friends,parents,siblings how i ve not been working,how she's been d one supporting d family financially. Everybody around her was treating me as if i m nobody. I was frustrated and depressed and i regretted d fact i was married. She sold me out cheaply then but God turned d story around. However,i eventually got a job and i m doing pretty well now. My wife couldn't believe my financial status today. We re still together though but each time i remembered what i went thru,i always felt like asking her for divorce.

Please borrow a leaf from this poster, do not let another woman come and reap the harvest of your labour, endure and the situation shall surely turn around for good, just put your trust in the Almighty God who makes all things beautiful in his own time.

Don't divorce him. . .if not for one thing but to free your child from the trauma of divorced parents while still growing up.

Keepingmum:
I will be honestly brutal with you. You can use foul language on me, some Posters too are allowed, on this occasion, its all welcome. I'll do it just this once and sit back thereafter.

I have summarized your words here for you to read, a second time! Hear yourself:

I dont want my child to suffer whilst he's with his dad as we've discussed shared custody. However i do not want to carry on funding an "expected acceptable" lifestyle.

What do you mean by “expected acceptable lifestyle”? Who are you referring to?

Today I've decided to get divorced from my husband of 7yrs.
Yes at this point am not interested in makin d marriage work. My mind is pretty much made up I just need very practical advise on how to jugggle work and childcare and all.

You are asking for ADVICE, advice to do what? Divorce? Nope, that you have made up your mind to do that, we can see from your statement.
Advice on how to survive or “escape” the result of your decision? Not possible, as we lay our bed, so we would lie on it

[Quote]I am the primary breadwinner as i've worked hard 2 keep the family (myself, hubby n child) together[/quote]
I have always wondered: Why does marriage always collapse once a wife suddenly finds herself in the position of fending for the family? Aside thefact that you two “are now one”, in riches and in poverty, you come here whining about fending for “your own family”?
Like someone asked before, and l want you to respond honestly to the question: If roles where reversed tomorrow and your husband was the breadwinner of the family, Do you pray he should divorce you for being the breadwinner?
Can we do unto others as we expect that it should be done unto us?
Again, someone asked: What if you pack-up and go today or divorce him and the guy (obviously well educated) was tipped as a Minister or Commissioner or Special Adviser or even an Ambassador (l have seen a few transformations like that recently) tomorrow, would you “dust your Marriage Cert” and put it online and come and tell us “men are wicked”, l suffered with  him for 7yrs, see how he is repaying now that he has money! He now wants to marry “Mercy Johnson! (lol).

What exactly is love now-adays? What is marraige all about? Is it all about Money? (Money go, woman go, as they sing it

My hubby is very good with out child. very doting and loving father (physically) but not practically.

Thank God your husband is not even one of those alcoholic that gets drunk all the time and comes home reeking of beer! So he can spend quality time with his child and you will deny that child ‘just that’ for your own personal (selfish) interest?

i feel like i've given this marriage my best shot, i've given it my all and i dont have anything left to give.
I got married when I was 18. I'd b 26yrs in a few wks time and I feel like ve slaved all of my youth 4 a very frustrated angry unappreciative man.

Reading this, l could almost shed tears for your husband.
I thought “what would he do, if he read this comment “his Adams’ rib” made about him!
So he is now a frustrated and angry man, right! Was this man not working when you met him?

I know you’re a smart lady and wont go out with a jobless man.
Tell us, what were you doing when you met him? At “18yrs and Secondary school level (according to your own statement)  how much income were you earning? I bet it was zilch, he was the one working then!
*Can you tell us if he was the one that sponsored you to U.K as well?
*Can you tell us if he stood by you while you were “upgrading academically and working”?
*Can you tell us whether while you went to work, he looked after your child (am not surprised he is a dotting father, what else does he do than look after your child?).
So all those ones don’t count for anything but he is now a frustrated and angry man, just because “he is unemployed and wont take just any job”!

Look at the disgrace you have brought on your husband, in the public domain! Every Tom, Dike and Haruna now have the temerity to call your own husband, all sorts of derogatory names! Just because you drag him on the ground first! I bet a good woman would jealously protect her husband's interest, "as her own crown", says the Good Books!
You know, God is above and  watching all of us! We need to fear God’s judgement, not that of any man. We also need to listen to ourselves at times.

He choose not to work because he feels some jobs r below him. He hasn't got any health or Visa problems dt'll affect his ability to hold a job.
I have sent several job applications to my husband that i feel would fit his "profile" and a[b]dmittedly some that i feel would help ease the financial burden and stress on me[/b] however majority of them he has turned down giving one excuse or the other, whilst the ones he has successfully applied for, he hasnt been successful in the recruitment process.

So he actually was not watching Judge Judy throughout the day? He did apply for some, unsuccessfully!
As an immigrant, in this recession, you think not being successful in ten applications means you're a failure? You think the man has not vision, no plan for his life and that of his family (kid and wife)?
You think "what the dog saw and is barking, is up to what the Sheep saw and is just watching without making any sound"?

Are you aware that in an immigrant family like yours, the “women” are more easily absorbed into the working population, than the men? (mostly Sales, Till operation and Customer Service jobs).
Take a Poll around and you will confirm my hypothesis.
For so many reasons which l cannot begin to explain here, “immigrant” African/black men find it a little harder to secure a job, compared to their wives, from the set, go but somehow, those who keep trying end up getting one, eventually.

This has caused great hardship and trauma for some men and wives have suddenly got “fed-up”, forgetting “How they started out” and who was the breadwinner back then.
Why should a woman desert her husband in his ‘worst hour of need”, when he was most vulnerable?
How would that man view you in future, if he finally made it big? Don’t forget “that child”, God spare his/her life, is a link between two f you for life! He could become an Obama one day, l hope you will tell him “how you ditched his sorry-ass father when he could not find a job!

I will not give you any advice ‘cos l have non to offer you but my submissions are directed towards other women whose husband are going through difficult times and are struggling to keep the family together.
If you’re a Christian, the Book of Proverbs says” A wise woman keeps her family but the foolish one scatters it with her own hands”. Ponder on that for some time.

I will remarry, not soon as thats not a priority or even on my agenda but eventually i will marry, i can bet you on that.

So you have every angle covered, right?  I wish you luck in your chosen route. GO AHEAD AND DIVORCE HIM PLEASE! Maybe that’s God’s way of answering his prayer! But remember, there is something called KARMA! We reap what we sow, sooner than later.

BTW: Does it ever occur to “NairaLand “advisers” that there are always “two sides to a coin” and you should never pass judgement until you hear the other party?
Do you think if it were possible to “ask her husband his own version of the story”, we would get a completely different picture? Maybe someone should advise her to “invite her husband to give us his own side of the story”? Anyway, lets be careful so that “we would not be judged by what we said”.

We are truly in "the last days"!

Cheers &Good luck.

Lastpage.

@Lastpage

your word got me thinking.

"A wise woman keeps her family but the foolish one scatters it with her own hands" with emphasis!
Things don't always stay the same.

@lastpage

May God bless the womb that gave birth to you and the father that raised you with such knowledge, if your post does not get the Op thinking again i wonder what would.

The minute a woman begins to take temporal responsibilities of the home it becomes a serious issue,

"To be a man o, na wa o"

My Dear,
Please take your eyes off who feeds who, and who is breadwinner or not. Show dat man submission and humility and you will overcome and lock him up under your clutches. A woman is built to conquer by stooping. dnt stand tall to him, restore his Ego. If your husband is silly, note that you are the silly man's wife. Its the name you give him that the world will call your family.
You are a married woman and should have non of your ex nonesense on your FB, a friend of mine threw his wife out of the house becos he saw a happy birthday FB wish from her ex talkless of calling you hey love - thats crap and very wrong of you, turn the tables around - how would you or any woman feel if another lady calls her hubby hey love?
If u insist on a divorce, note that you will regret it soon. The solution to your situation is somewhere within you and between you and your hubby, there is no joy out there.

@Lastpage has given a candid and elaborate analysis of your post - if u have ears hear.

Just seek the Spirit of life for your peace.

divorce is not good. for the sake of your child forget about it and pray that God in His infinite mercies change him. Now quoting from the qur'an ", don't you know that God has power over all things?"
do not be selfish, divorce is not good for your child and it is not good for you too. all kids from broken homes have less chancof turning out well. Divorce is very hateful thing.

@lastpage

very well written.

@OP - Why are asking for advice on nl, from people u don't know, what makes you think the people here are capable of advising you. A lot of people here are teenagers some who have probably never had a long term serious relationship and you here asking them for validation since in your words you have made up ur mind u want a divorce. Like some other posters have said it is always better to hear the 2 sides to the story before dishing advises, incomplete symptoms can lead to wrong diagnosis and wrong prescription. Pray to God for guidance.

@keepingmum , Have you just now forgotten that well prepared date of your Marriage where you guys kept on calling each other to be sure you two love birds are doing fine, waiting for the date to come so you say YOU DO? For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health? Listen my friend, I think what's wrong with you is Lusting after another man that you think is more better off than your husband. Your husband may not have a Job right now, but doesn't mean the end of his life. We all know how come women behaved when they shadow everything in the Home, you can't say you love your husband really well that He would be responding to you the way he is. You are not showing him love, but now treating him as House wive you can drop Money for to cook for you and all that.

When he was working, where you complaining? No man is an Island or Iron, the bible say, Soft answer turns away wrath, and Harsh words stair off strive. Do not let the sunset on your anger, God himself now said, Be angry and sin not. Don't deceive yourself, if you become a single mother today you go SUFFER pass JOB for bible, men nor go put you for House with Value ooh, you will see players with a cover of a perfect man for you. You can't eat your cake and have it. Someone you love, is not someone you can't live with, is someone you can't live without. You said for better and for worst in God's Pressence, and now you want to back out? God is not a respecter of any man, He will personally fraustrate you back on your knees to your Husband you wan Divorce. He was there when you vowed and he doesn't joke with Vows.

Go back and repair your home, there is nothing God cannot do. A Prayerful woman is a Less complaining and whinning woman. Pray for your Husband, because you are in the UK doesn't mean the Devil is not there. Remember, Satan came to kill, steal and destroy, but Jesus said, I have come to UK that you might have life. I am telling you Prophetically now, if you leave that man at the advice of some unmarried girls here that are very loyal to their boyfriends, kneeling down all night to beg God for Husbands, you go suffer Pass Job for Bible time when he was afflicted by Satan. Take this issue to God, be Submissive to your Husband, I wonder what a married woman would be doing on Facebook in the first place and why a man would address you that way if una nor get something through another means of communication.

You came to Nairaland to talk about your good side then allow people who are not married to come and crucify your Husband for you. Listen, you need to be flogged in CELE Church in Warri or Ijebu Ode if you try am say you wan leave your Husband. Them dey see Husband Pick? Boyfriends many to destroy your things, but Husband to love you are few. Don't be deceived, God cannot be mocked. You wan Divorce, them don teach you western life finish for UK, na your Husband you wan take Practice am, if you be my sister, I for come UK tomorrow come give you Hot Slap.

To start with, remove yourself from Facebook or any other Social Media Network, Go down on your knees and BEG YOUR HUBBY, Serve him food on Trail with your knee's on the Floor, greet him in your Local dialet and sit there with him till He finishes is Food, your Husband deserve your whole Body, not part, everything about you, he owns it since you joined. Study your bible well, God never created a woman just like he created man, but rather a woman from A Man, means woman is owned in marriage by the man. I beg you, a word is enough for the wise. There is no perfect woman nor perfect man, perfect people don't exist on this earth. If all this good advice is not OK for you from the goood people of NL, then Visit Emmanuel TV for counselling by calling their lines from their website www.emmanuel.tv . This is your marriage, once you loose it, the evil spirit when they advice you [color=#990000][/color]against the advice of the Holy Spirit inside of you go run leave you. Have a great day today.

My dear, there is still hope in your marriage and I completely agree with chaircover. He needs a wake up slap. In the long run divorce is not the solution to your problems. Try and reconsider. You need to give him some space to rough it out for a while till he comes to his right senses. Think about how you are going to cope with your child when you no longer have his support and being that you don't have any family or friends in the UK, it will be more difficult for you. Give it more time and patience; don't let the hurtful words that have been said tear you down. You need to let all the bitterness go. You know men and their egos. No marriage is easy! It is a life long commitment; you need to look at it that way. People that are in marriages for 30 years did not have it easy everyday. At some point I am sure they wanted to bolt out. But you have to work at it, you need to have hope, you also need to surrender your 'sufferings' to God, let Him give you more strength to continue and to endure. He has put you in this situation for a reason. It is all a test! I bet you, your reward is not far away. Patience, Love and Forgiveness is the key!

If you are considering coming back to Nigeria make sure you have secured a job before coming back because there is a high rate of unemployment. There have also been recent layoffs here and there so, think again.

The role as a wife/woman is undoubtedly a huge one. As the woman you are supposed to protect your family at all costs. Yes, any outsider should not know that you husband is not working. It is the third party's opinion that will make you start thinking otherwise. Anything that will bring negativity to your family should not be discussed with anyone. Read Proverbs 31: 10-31 and see how blessed you are that you almost there as the bible says.

I will suggest you make out time and forward those job applications for him if he does not want to do it. I know a couple, the wife forwarded applications for the husband (in UK) until he eventually got an interview from one of her applications. With this, he picked himself up and excelled at subsequent interviews and he is in a very good job now.

I urge you to keep working hard and remember that no condition is permanent. Get closer to God, He will lift your burdens and make it light.

@lastpage
i am very very proud of you

I see no reason for divorce here, infact it's so far from it and so uncalled for,  c'mon a man has refused to get/got no job ?!!!

The earnings of either of the two spouses belongs to the family but no one should be made to carry the burden alone,

Seat him down and talk gently to him how you feel about the whole financial situation , But if he still feels too relaxed, Take a radical step to jump start him to reality, take away every allowance you've been wiring into his account for his "feel good" status.

@Just rereading now, I think lastpage did good justice to this discussion

if what you say is true,please leave. At 26yrs you can start over and give your child a good life. its not easy raising a child alone both home and aboard but to me it seem you are the only one raising the child as ur husband refuses to work.

try having a heart to heart talk with him before taking the step. i was raised by a single mother its not the best both for the woman or child,but i dont beleive anyone should stay unhappy in any relationship.

good luck

jjgirljay:

if what you say is true,please leave. At 26yrs you can start over and give your child a good life. its not easy raising a child alone both home and aboard but to me it seem you are the only one raising the child as your husband refuses to work.

try having a heart to heart talk with him before taking the step. i was raised by a single mother its not the best both for the woman or child,but i dont beleive anyone should stay unhappy in any relationship.

good luck

you are one hell of a nymphomaniac mofo
you want her to go thru wat ur mama go thru? if you no pity the woman, pity the pikin
you prob still stay with your mum anyways,

if you come back to this thread, i will discipline you, like say tomorrow no they

jjgirljay:

if what you say is true,please leave. At 26yrs you can start over and give your child a good life. its not easy raising a child alone both home and aboard but to me it seem you are the only one raising the child as your husband refuses to work.

try having a heart to heart talk with him before taking the step. i was raised by a single mother its not the best both for the woman or child,but i dont beleive anyone should stay unhappy in any relationship.

good luck

who is this?

I pity the man that will look upon you with admiration for your path leads to hades

^^ my thoughts exactly

just like one girl I wanted to start a relationship with and she was already hinting about divorce as not been a big deal in future, I fire am sharp sharp

a guy who wanted 2 date me b4 I met my hubby (whom I'd told my hubby abt) send me a FB msg checkin up on me and in it he started by sayin 'hey love' blah blah blah

are you serious?

anyway!!

maybe you feel the grass is greener elsewhere.

if what you say is true,please leave. At 26yrs you can start over and give your child a good life. its not easy raising a child alone both home and aboard but to me it seem you are the only one raising the child as your husband refuses to work.

immature advice, imo.

Seems like you have been through a lot with this guy and he does not want to take the bull by the horn and go get it! It's not normal for a Naija man to want to sit at home while the lady of the house is working, so not sure what the deal is with him. Especially since you have made the effort to try to help him secure something. This life is too short, and one's happiness is very important. If divorce is the way to go, I'd say go for it. You seem like a hard working person and wish you the best.

@ojdollar, note a woman is not owned by a man in marriage. She is not his property. backward somebody like you.

my 2 cents worth :-

the main cause of rioting, looting and lawlessness in the UK is single parent homes (directly and indirectly)

biko seek counselling etc before takings such a step.

As for being a single parent in nigeria, if you are ready to be ridiculed then you can give it a try.  good luck, think you might need it!

Ma'am; as a Christian i advice devorce is not an option. Leaving the spiritual aspect, your son may find it difficult and tough growing up if raised by a single parent. He needs mummy as much as he needs daddy. Believe me even after devorce and re-marriage you will feel attached to your husband. Best that can be done is to pray for your husband intensely. There are 50yr old marriages still rocking and such homes are built on the platform of the fear of God and prayer; if you haven't i'll advice you to give your life to Christ because i believe you need him more than you know. You can enjoy a blissful marriage with your husband if you are willing to do what is necessary. The man owns the family but the woman owns the home. Do what it takes to keep your marriage as long as it is Godly. Wishing the best of all

I think Chaircover's advice is the best so far on this thread. @ OP, you need to temporarily separate from your husband (please don't divorce him). Let him rough it alone for a while. By the time he gets homeless and hunger whacks his lazy brains, trust me, no job will be beneath him (what insolence!!). He will get something to do and fast. 

To make sure that he does not start to peddle lies to his family and your family on your reasons for separation, make your intentions and motives clear to the elders in both families and have them understand that it is the only way to save your family (for God's sake, you have babied a jobless (rather shameless) man for 7 years. THAT IS ENOUGH!!). You need a temporal separation for this man to get his senses back. He is lazy !!

Whatever you do, make sure you make him understand why you are doing it and get good counselling from your pastor or some elderly couples around you that you trust. At this stage, you feed your man, shelter him, clothe him for years and there is no end in sight to his indolence. You need to act and save your marriage!!

I believe right now you are been tested and going through a very tough period in your marriage.It feels like you are taking care of two children at home. Your husband feels trapped and his ego is hurting after losing his job, and to make himself feel better he's frustrations are on you right now.I have to say you have been a strong lady to date.

Do you have a senior family member of your husband you can talk to besides his mother?
Raising your baby single handedly in the UK is torture.I have two friends who are single moms,one pays a small fortune on daycare and the other one has send her kids back to Africa until she sorts herself out with work.

looks like you have made up your mind and you want to divorce him, how about you start with something temporary maybe separate for a while and not file for divorce just yet.
He might just need a shove to get back in line and this can be done without the final steps of divorce.
It would be unfortunate if he bounced back,got a good job and became financially stable when you have walked out of his life for good.

Waoh, over night I've had a lot more constructive advise and opinions to which m grateful. I'd like 2 address some questions raised, first, I didn't comE 2 UK as a sch cert holder, I already had a Uni Diploma from Nigeria.
2nd, I have sweated 2 keep my family together for 7yrs of which my hubby hasn't contributed. He worked collectively not up2 9months and @ d time, every of his salary was spent either on himself/his family back home.
Wen I needed help with my tuition (btw m still paying off my uni fees) he said he had nothing to give me: wen his siblings in nigeria got admitted 2 Uni, he made few calls, borrowed money aNd gave them 2 pay their fees.
I paid for childrcare every month uptil my child started Nursery. And even now, he drops our kid in sch in d mornins and I pick the kid after sch hrs b4 coming home.
We got married in Nigeria and he resigned his job b4 coming to the UK. So we both came 2 d UK jobless.
And once again thank u for been constructive.

Only you know where it hurts. Do what you think is right.