@ MOBO999 and LAGOS1976

You people should use your emails or Facebook and stop all this rubb.sh

RUBBISH AAGAN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

were can i get zimbabwe or kenya ladies, i heard they are cheap and easy lasy also and never get tired.

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you can get zimbabwe ladies or kenya ladies in church, immigration centre or in the open market like longsight, you can also go for Jamaica ladies, they are also strong and bed smart.

some nigeria ladies re also cheap and easy lay here in manchester, also ghana ladies.

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@MODS

This thread has officially been derailed.

These guys are really crazy!!

@ Poster: Chaircover gave good advice, lastpage made very good comments and useful advice that you ignore at your own peril and good comments from a lot of others. Now, a lot of these people are more than 26 and what you see standing and climbing on a tree, they see while sitting. The grass is not greener on the other side and you made a decision to marry this guy before and now you are trying to rescind that decision. You could jump out and make even a worse decision, what are you gonna do then? Well, the way you lay your bed so shall you lie on it.

Hello Poster,
Am not Married but I feel I can give you some ideas.

First do not entirely put divorce off your table, but this is certainly not the time for it.
Its really not the time because, I will say you have handled some things like a kid!

You married as a Kid -18, doubt if you knew much about the importance of a man's financial responsibilities and all. You sound too direct in approach, and you see carrying you hubby's burden as loving (Marriage is about sharing burden, not taking it over. Only Christ is capable of taking over someone's burden). Secondly, being in UK and away from your extended family means you had very little social tools to beat you husband into the right posture.

Your approach was to love and wait, that solves nothing. You just have to bring that work issue to the front burner in as much as you are loving your man. Do not see it as agression against him, rather see it as helping him and saving him from himself.

Before exploring what you can do, let me remind you that married people come from different home backgrounds and cultures. One partner is often more driven than the other. It not a problem when its the man. Also, in some Nigerian Cultures, esp. around the Niger Delta, it is normal for the Man to easily accept being fed by his wife. Also, if your hubby is reasonably much older than you, like ten years or more, he may have the tendency of feeling tired and leaving the struggle for you.

What you can do?

1. You could go for temporal seperation, but thats really a step to divorce. Once seprated it will not be easy to come back together (you will love your easier private space and ego issues come up)

2 You could divorce: At twenty six Age is on your side and  you could re-marry. But my guess is that the probability of finding a man who has no issues OR whose issues are less than that of you current hubby is not much, and it will tell on your child.

2. What I prefer is thisMind you this will be longterm and take a couple of years to work)

Get even closer to your husband, show him even more love and never leave him in doubt about your love for him, but put your foot down and demand more from him, wether he is employed or not.

Cling to him, and claim your position and rights as a wife even when he is pushing you away, but never take a financial fall for him, like paying for money he borrowed. Make that a clear policy. When he asks you for a reason, play on his man ego, tell him he is the family's head and should take the lead in paying the debt.

If chasing him for love will help him, do it. Give him that false sense that without him your world would crash, but never take his financial liabilities or claim you can protect him. Always tell your husband that you need his financial protection. If you can lie tell him you too, are tired and fatigued of working. Tell him he needs to take over fast before you give up, cause you will soon give up. Tell him your work place is a hell and you do not like it. That you are only managing it.

Do not abuse your hubby for not providing, but always present to him a choice between either providing or verbally agreeing that he is not heading the home. he will always choose the former.

Never show that you have excess fund, if you actually do, come up with investment ideas to put your money into for the future, but do not use your extra funds to pay for his debts. Let the debt Hang over him, till he realizes he can no longer borrow from those sources.

Gradually begin to move primary financial responsibility to you hubby. Things he can not refuse, if he likes let him borrow. Things like paying your childs fees, rent, etc. Use reasons such as you own needs, or his position to justify your demands that he fulfill these roles.

If you are Igbo, often involve his extended family and yours when ever he refuses or cannot fulfill these roles. Even when they are not siding you. Reason, you are doing it to threaten him with exposure, No Igbo man wants his childhood mates, competitors , juniors to know of his inability to provide for his home.

In all this, show him the best love you can, do those things that make you irresistible and endear you to him. Do not hide the fact that you think his refusal for jobs is unreasonable. Accuse him of not sacrifing his pride for his love and family. Be seductive, the man is the head, but its the woman that is the neck that turns the head where it wills. BE SUBTLE.

If you try this subtle approach, he will try to throw up various issues like that internet mail, rather than change. Resisit them and point them out as distractions. If after a few years (2 probably) you see him still not changing, then get ready to live. Cause the older he gets in that form the worse he becomes and at some point will begin to blame you for all his failures and claim you as all his achievement. You still have age on your side at twenty six.

Is like we all don't understand what the OP has past through before castigating her. I believed she has held on tight for years before she could voice out. We didn't understand her situation of a husband not working and catering for the upkeep of the family and he is not helping out emotionally. is it until she has high blood pressure before we can understand what she is pasting through and yet we say she should hold on when the man in question is not seeing anything bad in him not working. i believe we give advices sometimes because we believe that black women must accept and die with everything they see in marriage and people believe that you have not done enough that is the reason why you marriage is not working. I believe in separation for two of you, to get yourself in other and for him to workhard and see life in another dimension. But pls and pls dont ever live your marriage because of the motive that you might see abetter man outside, dont ever.

^^^ I believe I understand the pain and difficulty, but I also feel she has unknowing been condoning the man. I can not adovcate her leaving without trying to beat him into shape. There is just that slight opportunity that he might change else she should leave him now that she is still young.

Once laziness is in a a human beings chromosome you cannot uproot it, only that human can uproot it.

Plus i donot believe you can change a grown up man permanently you will only get a BSC in nagging and he will become more headstrong.

If OP's hubby can sit at home for 3 years no work and cannot find something to do, rather he goes to borrow money which gets paid back by his wife, they have a son watching and learning how to be spineless and manless.

Kids learn subliminal examples from their parents and either become similar to their parents or choose similar partners.

The similarities between my hubby and my dad boggles my mind

I personally do not believe in no opportunity as every situation depends on how you view it ( half empty or half full glass)
so if OP's hubby has not created an opportunity to earn the sterling even when a wife and son to feed then, 
I really do not think he has it in him. The bible talks about multiple streams, oyinbo says multiple streams of income,

Babes think fast and quickly in your shoes I WILL WALK , any miracle that has waited 7 years and no show at all , will probably not show .

Notice i said in your shoes, abeg i am not saying to leave your hubby oh , just saying i am unable to s.h.a.g passionately a lazy man that i do not feel like i can look up to.


Wo tell your hubby england ilu oyinbo can be crazy : if he does not want to pack his things in trolley bag and go and sleep on pali at tower bridge ( i think police is not letting them sleep there any more : elephant and castle market lo kan ye o) he beta beat himself into shape

Mukina banned Mobo a few months back because of his numerous id's and LAGOS1976 was one of them.

Goldieluks:

@OP, You don't want him any more because he's a jobless doting dad?

Yea, women, you can never understand their way of reasoning.

brainpulse:

Is like we all don't understand what the OP has past through before castigating her. I believed she has held on tight for years before she could voice out. We didn't understand her situation of a husband not working and catering for the upkeep of the family and he is not helping out emotionally. is it until she has high blood pressure before we can understand what she is pasting through and yet we say she should hold on when the man in question is not seeing anything bad in him not working. i believe we give advices sometimes because we believe that black women must accept and die with everything they see in marriage and people believe that you have not done enough that is the reason why you marriage is not working. I believe in separation for two of you, to get yourself in other and for him to workhard and see life in another dimension. But pls and pls dont ever live your marriage because of the motive that you might see abetter man outside, dont ever.

you are right, couldn't ve said it any better.

@27Naira
That admonition is actually found in Proverbs 14:1.
EVERY "MARRIED" WOMAN needs to meditate on it daily.
Its ironic that even the BIBLE thinks only a "foolish woman" (no disrespects to women, as l am not the Bible!) would "scatter her own home", with her hands!

Roland17

@Lastpage

May God bless the womb that gave birth to you and the father that raised you with such knowledge, if your post does not get the Op thinking again i wonder what would.

The minute a woman begins to take temporal responsibilities of the home it becomes a serious issue,

"To be a man o, na wa o"

And God will bless the "woman" that conceived and raised you too, standing firm behind your Dad. It takes a well-brought-up individual to know another one!
Even though she's "resting in the Lord", kind words to my Mum mean more to me than if they were directed to my person!

You see, family is all about "women".
Go and see successful families, the man might be "the outer face" of that family but the woman is actually "the fabric" that binds everything together!

Remove that "Fabric" and the family scatters!

I hope the OP will understand that at times, God will "lift you up" for a purpose, maybe, just maybe to help your family! And that includes your husband and child(ren).

Humility of the heart is needed more, amongst our women. (okay, thats 'trash' among some women of the "jet age"!
Honor your husband (unemployed or not), dont just bring him to public ridicule like this!.

Am out.

Lastpage

BTW: I've always wondered, what is it with "the ease" with which couples in the "WEST" (Europe, U.K and America) easily "trash and demolish" their marriages? Its so rampant in these places. WHY?

*Does it have to do with the environment?

*Does it have to do with this "lone Parent family money" paid to divorced/separated Mums in those places?

*Does it have to do with lack of "extended family support system" in those places?  (Just tell my Father you want to live your husband or wife and he would probably send you for a "mental" check-up first! )

*Does it have to do with the "economic empowerment" of the women?, unfortunately, (in most cases), by the same men who are now the victims!

*Does it have to do with the prevalence of so many "single mothers" in that environment who in turn, wants to lead currently married women astray, using dubious but subtle "advice"?

Does it have to do with men who feel frustrated (for whatever reasons, including joblessness, irresponsible attitude, lack of love, in-fighting inth home, threat of wife arresting them with Police, e.t.c) and just abandon the family and walk away!

We Nigerians need to look at these things because in 15-20yrs from now, those kids will be adults!
I hope we dont end up breeding criminals. There are more "blacks Youths" in Jail now than ever before!

Think! Think!! Think!!!

I am just wondering aloud! (Opens the fridge and takes a can beer, to stop this "wondering aloud )

Well if you're the financial provider in the house, something has to give on his part. Does he at least help you with the chores in the house or run errands? A sensible man would have eased the burden on his wife.

And if he does all that, since it's for better or worse, deal with it. Unfortunately you married a househusband. But you guys have to restructure your family home, and I hope he takes his new position like a woman with no hard feelings.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2010836/Rise-stay-home-dad-Or-great-woman-stands--house-husband.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1264054/Rise-high-flying-wives-leave-husbands-home.html