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A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage - Family (2) - Nairaland

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Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Nicepoker(m): 7:24pm On Feb 22, 2023
I pity that man.

5 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Vyvyanvyvy: 7:27pm On Feb 22, 2023
Klass99:


No criticism or judgment from me. In fact I applaud you for choosing a helpless child over a grown ass man and marriage.

You are even nice sef, I would have left his own 2 kids for him and walked away, after all I didn't go to his house with those kids, they were created with him under his roof.

As women we give up far too much of our lives for these two things (marriage and children) only to realize na we dey carry the suffer head pass. Good luck with whatever you decide.



Thanks so much. I was pregnant with our last baby and when i bought my son to the house against his wishes he left with our daughter she was 2 then, I couldn't leave her with him . I had to involve human right to get her back because he is a irresponsible man leaving our daughter with him would have been the worst mistake ever, when we were together he couldn't even pay our daughter school fees it is not like he didn't have the money he had but he refused to pay it in full, we had to share 50/50 imagine if I left her with him he would have neglected her. I am happy to have all of them with me , the journey is not easy but we are managing fine by God's grace

12 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Vyvyanvyvy: 7:30pm On Feb 22, 2023
shortgun:
You said, you and your husband are separated... does this mean you are divorced or not?
I'll advise you to get married to this man if you have divorced your husband legally and traditionally.

A time will come when your kids will be too busy with their own lives and won't have the time to always be around you, you will feel lonely and become depressed.


Thanks. Yes we did traditional and church wedding, the bride price has been returned back

2 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Vyvyanvyvy: 7:32pm On Feb 22, 2023
ceeceeuwa:

Then double it! Don't relent sis.

Thanks
Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Vyvyanvyvy: 7:33pm On Feb 22, 2023
ekitimanalways:

Your children may be minors but they have emotions. Letting your children know about your plans in a loving manner can help ease their acceptance of this next step. When done successfully, you can assist them in processing their emotions about the new marriage and the changes it may mean for their home life.

Thanks
Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by eyinjuege: 7:36pm On Feb 22, 2023
My dear, Do what will pay you.
Is he of good health?
Is he rich enough, not to rely on your own money?
You have 4 children you're looking after, so don't add another manchild that you have to help financially to the equation.
Is he matured enough emotionally, to cater to the dynamics of a blended family, especially with such young children?
Does he have integrity? Any weird perversions you should be weary of?
Don't let anyone abuse your children o.
If you're going to get a partner or marry anyone, it's very important you check out the kind of person they are.
Good luck

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Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Klass99(f): 7:48pm On Feb 22, 2023
smiley

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Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Saintmary(f): 7:54pm On Feb 22, 2023
Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello guys , I am a 36 years old single mother of four my son will be 15 in aug, first daughter 10 in october, my third 5 and youngest 3 by june. I have separated from my husband because he didn't want my son to come and lives with us , I have been taking care of them singlehandedly for 3 years. I have been friend with this man a widower who is 57 years and a father of 2 children, he is asking for my hand in marriage, to be honest I don't want to be married again, all i want is to focus on raising my kids because I have been through a lot in my previous marriage and I don't want another marriage wahala. He ask for my hand in marriage I rejected him and I had explained to him why I don't want to marry again I told him what my ex did , he said he is a mature man he will love me and my children and he will never hate them or ask them to leave his house . I told him I have to think about it and I will get back to him ASAP . But I am still scared to accept his proposal because I don't want history to repeat itself and he is still on my neck he want me to accept his proposal. I am confuse Please advice me is it a wise choice for me to get married again after everything I have been through in the past?


1. He needs a maid for cooking and cleaning
2. He needs a nanny for his kids
3. He needs constant available sex


I hope you know he doesn't love you.



As a single mom of 4, you're assumed to be:

1. Lonely
2. Easy target
3. Weak
4. Financially constrained


Only you know your situation, and if your instincts say to run, trust it.



On the other hand, if you can cope with:

1. Underappreciation. You will never measure up to the late first wife in his eyes

2. Conflicts with his kids, you can never replace their mother

3. Loveless relationship. It will take many years before even he will deeply accept you, let alone his kids, family and friends.

4. Financial issues. You will end up sharing your income, with little or nothing left. You will be made to remember every penny spent on your kids. Do you even know if they'll be allowed to stay with you?


Look, there are so many things to consider, just do your thinking very hard.

At the end of the day, only you will bear whatever happens.


Good luck.


P. S. Lest I forget, at 57, erectile dysfunction is real o, he'll soon be 60, are you ready to cope with that?


At 36 you are near your sexual peak if not for heavy responsibilities distracting you, how will you cope with an elderly partner, sexual satisfaction is a very important factor for marital success.


I wish you all the best.

15 Likes 1 Share

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Saintmary(f): 8:04pm On Feb 22, 2023
Klass99:


No criticism or judgment from me. In fact I applaud you for choosing a helpless child over a grown ass man and marriage.

You are even nice sef, I would have left his own 2 kids for him and walked away, after all I didn't go to his house with those kids, they were created with him under his roof.

As women we give up far too much of our lives for these two things (marriage and children) only to realize na we dey carry the suffer head pass. Good luck with whatever you decide.



If I knew her personally, I would have advised the same thing, Southern women carry unnecessary burdens after divorce, especially with a man that refused to accommodate an innocent child.


She should have had him raise his 2 kids.


Now all her suitors will be the type that wants to take advantage of her perceived situation.

I hope she does what is best.

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Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by silibaba: 8:25pm On Feb 22, 2023
Vyvyanvyvy:


Thanks

You re welcome.

Am a father with three kids and am in my 30s. All my kids are in secondary schools. God forbid, if anything happen to my wife, I can never think of re-marrying again. I will just train my kids and that all.

8 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Amopeekun(f): 8:40pm On Feb 22, 2023
Please madam, take care of your children if you can. God will help you. When they are all grown up and can take care of themselves bravely, you can do whatever.

You owe them the security, love and balance. And sincerely, the widower may not fill the fatherly vacuum in their lives.

Your kids are still young, they need support and balance. A 57 yr old addition to the crew on ground may wear you out on time o. Think about it!

Lastly, I don't know how well you think you know this man, but taking a 10yr old daughter to another man's house is a bigggg NO for me.

Think it through thoroughly. All the best.
Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello guys , I am a 36 years old single mother of four my son will be 15 in aug, first daughter 10 in october, my third 5 and youngest 3 by june. I have separated from my husband because he didn't want my son to come and lives with us , I have been taking care of them singlehandedly for 3 years. I have been friend with this man a widower who is 57 years and a father of 2 children, he is asking for my hand in marriage, to be honest I don't want to be married again, all i want is to focus on raising my kids because I have been through a lot in my previous marriage and I don't want another marriage wahala. He ask for my hand in marriage I rejected him and I had explained to him why I don't want to marry again I told him what my ex did , he said he is a mature man he will love me and my children and he will never hate them or ask them to leave his house . I told him I have to think about it and I will get back to him ASAP . But I am still scared to accept his proposal because I don't want history to repeat itself and he is still on my neck he want me to accept his proposal. I am confuse Please advice me is it a wise choice for me to get married again after everything I have been through in the past?

8 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Kobojunkie: 8:41pm On Feb 22, 2023
Vyvyanvyvy:
■ to be honest I don't want to be married again, all i want is to focus on raising my kids because I have been through a lot in my previous marriage and I don't want another marriage wahala.
■ He ask for my hand in marriage I rejected him and I had explained to him why I don't want to marry again I told him what my ex did ,he said he is a mature man he will love me and my children and he will never hate them or ask them to leave his house . I told him I have to think about it and I will get back to him ASAP . But I am still scared to accept his proposal because I don't want history to repeat itself and he is still on my neck he want me to accept his proposal. ■ I am confuse Please advice me is it a wise choice for me to get married again after everything I have been through in the past?
1. So what exactly is causing you to doubt your desire? Why do you now want the very same marriage wahala ? undecided

2. People say a lot of things they don't mean at all in order to entrap others. If you marry him and he turns out another marriage wahala bucket chances are high that you will be unwilling to , for fear of what others might say, run this time around. So, I suggest you bide your time to find out more about his true character from others who know him or until his fancy of you mates passess. undecided

3. No need to be confused. If he gave you a deadline by which to marry him by then know he is only desperate to find for his gals a mother in another. Else, don't let anyone rush you into relationship. undecided

5 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Amopeekun(f): 8:48pm On Feb 22, 2023
[Help me tell her o...quote author=Saintmary post=121140869]


1. He needs a maid for cooking and cleaning
2. He needs a nanny for his kids
3. He needs constant available sex


I hope you know he doesn't love you.



As a single mom of 4, you're assumed to be:

1. Lonely
2. Easy target
3. Weak
4. Financially constrained


Only you know your situation, and if your instincts say to run, trust it.



On the other hand, if you can cope with:

1. Underappreciation. You will never measure up to the late first wife in his eyes

2. Conflicts with his kids, you can never replace their mother

3. Loveless relationship. It will take many years before even he will deeply accept you, let alone his kids, family and friends.

4. Financial issues. You will end up sharing your income, with little or nothing left. You will be made to remember every penny spent on your kids. Do you even know if they'll be allowed to stay with you?


Look, there are so many things to consider, just do your thinking very hard.

At the end of the day, only you will bear whatever happens.


Good luck.


P. S. Lest I forget, at 57, erectile dysfunction is real o, he'll soon be 60, are you ready to cope with that?


At 35 you are near your sexual peak if not for heavy responsibilities distracting you, how will you cope with an elderly partner, sexual satisfaction is a very important factor for marital success.


I wish you all the best. [/quote]

2 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Klass99(f): 8:58pm On Feb 22, 2023
smiley

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Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Nice2023(m): 9:42pm On Feb 22, 2023
Leave marriage...u will be glad if u do.

Peace is better than this kind of love with grown up children.

4 Likes 1 Share

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by BluntTheApostle(m): 9:50pm On Feb 22, 2023
Klass99:


No criticism or judgment from me. In fact I applaud you for choosing a helpless child over a grown ass man and marriage.

You are even nice sef, I would have left his own 2 kids for him and walked away, after all I didn't go to his house with those kids, they were created with him under his roof.

As women we give up far too much of our lives for these two things (marriage and children) only to realize na we dey carry the suffer head pass. Good luck with whatever you decide.




This is unfair to men.




There are women who abandon their children to the husband and run away.




There are also men who stay in toxic marriages because of their children.



I am a marriage counsellor and I have heard stories.



Men are so misunderstood. In fact, there are men who are more emotional than woman when it comes to children matters.

9 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Bilquiss: 9:50pm On Feb 22, 2023
If it were me,I would choose not to marry him and just be in a relationship. This is just a personal preference for me.

You've done marriage,you've got kids,you've got a business and you're doing well. Why saddle yourself with extra geriatric responsibility when the children are so young? Besides,you've just known him for a year so what's the rush?

Man is pushing 60 and you are just 36, he's literally close to retirement age. The age difference is extreme especially at this point in your life.Why is he not going for his mates that are closer to his own age?Adding a grandpa to your list of problems isn't on abeg.

Please,reserve your energy for raising your 4 children ,some who are under 6. Can he run after and help with the kids without almost breaking his knees and hips? So what exactly are you going to benefit from this marriage? Who gets all the advantages?

If you are that invested in having companionship
you can keep him as a boyfriend or man friend ,you do not have to marry him and make him a permanent fixture while you raise the kids. He should understand this if he really loves you and cares about you.

Tell him there's no rush and you can date him for as long as it takes.
Please,keep the kids away from your relationship until you are certain . No point introducing them to someone you're not sure of.

6 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by AyobamiIsaac12: 10:09pm On Feb 22, 2023
Vyvyanvyvy:



Thanks. I have known him for a year he is a great man and would love to be a part of his life my children adore him but when I remember how my ex husband was also a saint in the begining, he promised me heaven on earth, he even swore in front of my late mother and elder brother that he love me and my kids like his own , only for him to change his mind after the wedding , that's why I am scared that the same thing may happen again. I haven't met or spoken to his children ,they are adult the daughter is already married with kids and the son lives abroad.
I understand where you're coming from. The thing is, people change a lot. A caring man today could turn into a violent and toxic man in the next couple of years. If you're a Christian, I'll advise you seek the face of God regarding this.

4 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Kobojunkie: 10:25pm On Feb 22, 2023
BluntTheApostle:
■ This is unfair to men. There are women who abandon their children to the husband and run away. There are also men who stay in toxic marriages because of their children. I am a marriage counsellor and I have heard stories.
■ Men are so misunderstood. In fact, there are men who are more emotional than woman when it comes to children matters.
1. Interesting! Professional or religious?. undecided

2. Oh, it is for sure that there are definitely lots if equally emotional men out there but let's not forget that the vast majority of men abandon their children with the women - ex-woman or step-wife. undecided

5 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by UjuJoan2: 10:29pm On Feb 22, 2023
Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello guys , I am a 36 years old single mother of four my son will be 15 in aug, first daughter 10 in october, my third 5 and youngest 3 by june. I have separated from my husband because he didn't want my son to come and lives with us , I have been taking care of them singlehandedly for 3 years. I have been friend with this man a widower who is 57 years and a father of 2 children, he is asking for my hand in marriage, to be honest I don't want to be married again, all i want is to focus on raising my kids because I have been through a lot in my previous marriage and I don't want another marriage wahala. He ask for my hand in marriage I rejected him and I had explained to him why I don't want to marry again I told him what my ex did , he said he is a mature man he will love me and my children and he will never hate them or ask them to leave his house . I told him I have to think about it and I will get back to him ASAP . But I am still scared to accept his proposal because I don't want history to repeat itself and he is still on my neck he want me to accept his proposal. I am confuse Please advice me is it a wise choice for me to get married again after everything I have been through in the past?

Why does he want to get married? I’m not sure I understand this thing with men and wanting to own someone.

Anyway just know that if you marry him he’ll pressure you into having kids for him and when you do that, the dynamics will change with your own children.

I’ll say focus on your children for now. They are still young and need your undivided attention.

Deep down in your heart you know this already.

6 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Klass99(f): 11:12pm On Feb 22, 2023
cheesy

5 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by eniolorunfe: 2:02am On Feb 23, 2023
Take your time… don’t rush!
You have your hands full already… four kids is not a joke. You don’t need any distractions.

5 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Stevenbright(m): 6:23am On Feb 23, 2023
Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello guys , I am a 36 years old single mother of four my son will be 15 in aug, first daughter 10 in october, my third 5 and youngest 3 by june. I have separated from my husband because he didn't want my son to come and lives with us , I have been taking care of them singlehandedly for 3 years. I have been friend with this man a widower who is 57 years and a father of 2 children, he is asking for my hand in marriage, to be honest I don't want to be married again, all i want is to focus on raising my kids because I have been through a lot in my previous marriage and I don't want another marriage wahala. He ask for my hand in marriage I rejected him and I had explained to him why I don't want to marry again I told him what my ex did , he said he is a mature man he will love me and my children and he will never hate them or ask them to leave his house . I told him I have to think about it and I will get back to him ASAP . But I am still scared to accept his proposal because I don't want history to repeat itself and he is still on my neck he want me to accept his proposal. I am confuse Please advice me is it a wise choice for me to get married again after everything I have been through in the past?

Don't go into it. If you do, it will be a mess for both of you las las.

Just think of it! Four children (from two different men) from you already and he also have two as well making it six. If you guys have one or two children together, that is seven or eight children.

With the present economic situation in Nigeria, the stress that comes with taking care of these children will tear you guys apart and it will lead to abuse/violence. So, use your head.

1 Like

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by infogenius(m): 6:27am On Feb 23, 2023
Op
First and foremost, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and the well-being of your children. You have been through a lot in your previous marriage, and it's understandable that you are hesitant to get married again.

It's important to take the time you need to heal and feel comfortable with any decisions you make.

It's also important to get to know this man better and have open and honest conversations with him about your concerns and what you are looking for in a partner. It's good that he is willing to accept your children and be a supportive partner, but it's important to make sure you share common values and goals for your future together.

You may also want to consider seeking advice from a trusted friend or family member, or even a therapist or counselor, who can provide an outside perspective and support you in making a decision that is right for you and your family.

Ultimately, the decision to get married again is a personal one, and it's important to take the time you need to make the right decision for yourself and your children.

All the best.

4 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Microwhy: 7:22am On Feb 23, 2023
slan87:
I will advise you to focus more on your children @ the moment, truly been a single parent can be very boring @ times. But since you said you don't want to go into marriage stress for now.

Then, I think the best for you is just to stand on your NO. It always start with sweet talks @ the beginning, don't be a victim twice
To Focus more on children by nacking around.
Mother of 4 got a proposal from a single man and not as a second wife but all you could say is Focus on you Children.
Wahala be like bicycle truly.

4 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by slan87(m): 7:45am On Feb 23, 2023
Microwhy:

To Focus more on children by nacking around.
Mother of 4 got a proposal from a single man and not as a second wife but all you could say is Focus on you Children.
Wahala be like bicycle truly.

I'm not the only one who advised her to focus on her children Mr, I only advised her based on what she said that "she's not ready for marriage stress n she's also afraid of not making another mistake.

So, if you were to advise her what would you have said.

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by advanceDNA: 8:14am On Feb 23, 2023
If you have truly been roughing if for the last three years with out any man's help.... madam dey your dey abeg....
raising 4 kids is a lot.... adding extra two that wont see u as their mum plus a man that wants to amala and pounded yam at 2am will add to ur stress....

nothing like being on ur own and making ur rules

3 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by Ishilove: 8:18am On Feb 23, 2023
Op, take it to God. This man is 57 and trust me he is not after sex or more kids. He is after companionship. His children are grown and far away, so it is just you and your children you have to bother about.

At the end of the day, marriage is a personal decision so if you want to give it a second chance, make sure you study this suitor well and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal his true character.

1 Like

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by advanceDNA: 8:40am On Feb 23, 2023
Klass99:


dem no follow you fck the fck wey born those children.

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by descarado: 8:49am On Feb 23, 2023
You are older, wiser and more matured.
Wife died. He isn't even a divorcee. Even if he is, maturity comes with age snd life experience.
Why being pessimistic.

If we should hold on to bad things that have happened in our lives, our mistakes, we will never take a step forward.
Your choice anyway.

4 Likes

Re: A Widower Asking For My Hand In Marriage by NoToPile: 9:31am On Feb 23, 2023
Chai na wa. I still salute your tenacity concerning that your boy in your previous thread. You are a strong woman.

I would personally have told you to just stay and raise your kids that would be my advice but never say never, life can be very funny a times, you never can tell where your peace will come from.


Note these points

-This man is about 20 years older than you are.

- You have younger children that will always need care.

-Can you cope with this new combo, tending to a husband that will want attention, care and then at least 2 little children, you honestly don't need extra stress at this stage in your life oo.

- This man is he financially okay enough to provide for the family (let's even exclude your children's fees clothes and all) hope you will not be required to take extra financial burdens apart from the ones you have now.

- What exactly is in it for you in this proposed marriage, what do you stand to gain? I may sound vain but after 2 marriages and 4 children it's worth asking.

- You can get to know him more first and check if he ticks the boxes

You are the one that wears the shoes, look before you leap.

Pray oo, don't sleep with him and don't get pregnant.

1 Like

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