₦airaland Forum

A man, after 'bedmatics' with his cook, exclaimed "Ekaite, you are sweeter than my wife!" She smiled and said "I know oga,
even Okon your driver dey always talk the same thing"

Apkors: mom, do angels fly ?
Mum: EHm... Yes.. They do but why do you ask ?
Apkors: yesterday, dad called our house girl an angel...
Apkos: will she fly?
Mum: Yes! She will fly back to her villiage tommorow morning

Little Akpors was crying standing outside his house.

A passer by asked: Why are you crying?

Akpors: My parents are fighting inside the house.

Passer by: Who is your father?

Akpors: That is what the fight is about.

GBAM!!

Nothing will make me change my phone, after calling and receiving,browsing etc pinging for bb, can its solve hunger problem?

All them oyinbo life na to dey find wey to collect money from africans, them build different moto so tay begin give dem honda bulldog,end of discussion, small time you go hear honda lion and honda human being, wetin dis phone wan do again, una go dey deceive people with bodu

Wetin dem wan use flowers do, dem wan plant ham for road? Na yeye selfish man go give a woman flower. if I bi woman and you give me a flower, I swear, we go fight from the world reach heaven

If money grow on tree,women will locate monkey for relationship

Money talks most, hard work,minding your business and not giving a damn about any women, I do nott know how I always get woman who attend church all day despite my attending clubs and drinking and yet women still locate,me no dey shy to tell any woman I wan Bleep even if that will make herr mad, but I go handle am like joke ,like joke....she go understand

Crazy intention, stupid policy from useless government,dem no fit solve problem but they good to add to your problem. me, I dey go ask my Mama our village, dem born me for lagos no means say make i die for lagos prison untop of say I no kill, I no Bleep free toto and I no steal,na ordinary flower left wey villages they use to clean nyansh after poo for village wan send people to prison for lagos

Apkors hired a vehicle to take a relative's corps home for burial around 1 am.
As they approached a regular police check point on their route,
Apkors asked the driver to stop and help unload the coffin from the Vehicle unto his head.
A very surprised driver tried to talk him out of it for fear of what the police will do to him at their check point. And the following conversation ensued between the Apkors, the driver and then the checkpoint policemen.
Driver; Oga those police no go gree you pass with that coffin
for ya head o
Apkors; No be me get my head and the coffin? I beg put di thing
for my head jo.
Driver; Na real trouble you wan put yaself so
Apkors; I beg come meet me for front after the check point.

Apkors walks towards the check point.

Police 1; hey you, stop there. Na wetin you carry for head
(pointing a touch in Apkors face)
Police 2; Hey no be coffin him carry so come here (cocking a gun at him)
Akpors: Yes o na my coffin. I no like yonder wey dem bury me so I wan go bury myself for another place.
All the police men at the check point scamper away so fast in fear some leaving their guns behind not to return for a long while

Psalm 23 in Pidgin
1.The Lord na my shephard, i dey kampe.
2. E make me sidon for where betta dey flow, and come put me next to stream make my bodi thermacool.
3. E panel beat my soul come spray am white, come dey lead me dey go through express road of
righteousness sake of Him name.
4. Walahi !, even if I waka pass where Boko Haram, arm robber, 419 and juju people gather, come even
join okada and trailer reach valley of the shadow of death sef, my bodi dey inside cloth. Your rod and
staff nko? Na so dem dey like back bone dey comfort me.
5. You don prepare Egusi and Pounded yam make I chop. All my enemies jus sidon dey look waa waa
waa like Dog. You rub me for head with vaseline intensive lotion & Goya olive oil. my cup con overflow
lik bar beach water.
6. True true, beta life & mercy go de folo folo me 4 back till I quench and man pikin go stand fit lik
elephant 4 God house from lai lai till lai lai...

Ekaite was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Ekaite was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Ekaite's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Ekaite told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered ! and exclaimed "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it? "

"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."..

The policeman fainted.

KNOW UR HISTORY! It is the first day of the session and a new Direct Entry student, Mensah, a Ghanaian, joins the class in one of Nigeria's universities.
The Lecturer says, "Let's begin by reviewing some Nigerian history."
Then she asks who said, "I shall return to die in the land of my fathers?"
No one, except Mensah, has his hand up and he answers, "King Jaja of Opobo, 1875"
“Very good!" say the Lecturer.
She asks again, “Who said ‘the land use act will feed the nation?"
Again, no response except Mensah who says,"Obasanjo, 1976."
The Lecturer snaps at the class, "You should be ashamed that Mensah, a foreigner knows more about our history than you do."
Someone in the class whispers, "Ghana must go".
She asked, "Who said that?"
Mensah put his hand up, "Buhari 1984."
At that point, a student at the back scornfully says, "Hmmm, you think you are smart?"
The angry Lecturer asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Mensah say, "Babangida to Abiola, 1992."
Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Eat this!"
Mensah jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Lecturer, "Indian mistress giving an apple to Abacha, 1998".
Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone says, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Mensah frantically yells out loud, "Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!"
The Lecturer faints, and as the class gathers around her on the floor.
Someone says, "Oh shit, we're in Big trouble now!"
Mensah whispers, "Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007."
A student hisses, "Don’t answer him, he is a fool."
A smiling Mensah replies, "Obansanjo to IBB, 2011"
The Lecturer manages to get up and asks Mensah, “Please, who're you? Show yourself.”
Mensah jumps, yelling, “Jonathan to 'BOKO HARAM 2012

[quote author=HayZee-06]Oh! Dats so kind of d mother, bt I wonder who d child would resemble[/quote]Dbanj

Never force children to pray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At dinner, akpors was forced to lead the family into prayer...

Akpors : But I don't know how to pray

Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc

Akpors : "Dear Lord"."Thank u for our visitors and their children, who finished
all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor's son,
who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with he ron her bed. This coming Christmas, pliz send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my
daddy's blackberry & Provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work..AMEN

(Apkors and Ekaitte at ATM)
Apkors withdraw 5,000 and a single 5000 note dispensed from ATM ,(Apkors changedd face) he withdraw 4000 again to ensure he avoid dispensing of single note, after successful with #1000 4 pieces, Apkors open the mouth of the ATM and force tried to pull back the single #5000,

Ekaite: why are you disposing the money, did you want to waste fund? are you blind that is a new #5000 and not ordinary

Apkorsakpors) I know but even if I want to dispose,will I force back into ATM?

Ekaite: what magic are you doing then?

Akpors: Did you not hear the latest news that Sanusi the CBN governor said we have the right to reject back the #5000 single not to the bank, so I am rejecting it to the Bank back through their ATM machine

Apkors; Thank God, you for witness smartness wey I play dem arm robbers today, dem enter my house, demand for my money or HIV injection

Ekiaite: wetin u come tell dem?

Apkors :Wetin u expect?

Ekaite; Money of course

Apkors: I know say you mumu like dem too,how I go let dem cast away the remaining 5000 wey dey house, I use sense for dem, I tell dem HIV injection and dem give me two for arms

Ekaite: yeahhh, you don kill me oooO

Apkors: Wait, make I finish,I tell dem robbers make dem give me one minute make I enter my room before injection, dem no know say I quickly run go inside room go wear condom

Ekaite fainted

[quote author=Mynd_44]Cuddle, you get time[/quote]na here dem go find you,small time you see toto no good, you know see as boys dey hungry for toto dey drop numbers,person wwey sabbi Bleep ashewo no know the value God do for ham

Little Apkors catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Apkors says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Apkor sight him from a far. Then, a big trouble-making Akpors steps next
to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. Apkors was laughing, says, "why you crying because of drink? Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand
seeing a man crying."
The man replied"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave
the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I
remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping
with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison."

Apkors fainted

Class Teacher: "Differentiate between Biology and Sociology"

Akpors: "If a new born baby looks like his father, it is 'Biology', but if he looks like his neighbor, then, it is called 'Sociology'

Thank God I am not an Hausa Man......

Good move,Cut them off,please

Northerners are animal, they don't belong to the cats group, they belong to the goats, they will never listen, no amount of armenesty will make them change,like I said before they are GOAT, no bi dem they carry chewing stick for mouth go work? Abi no bi dem men dey bend down urinate like woman? I sabbi their bad character wella

1ohakah: Are u kiddin me? These guys can't have control over PHCN. what will happen? Looting and squandering. Besides they are unconfirmed criminals.

guy talks the true, edit the unconfirmed and add original confirmed