₦airaland Forum

ladygogo:
Yes na. Did you hear him say he did some horse-riding in boarding school? Very polished guy, but he is a fugk boy still

freecocoa:
Ogbeni use ya head ya hear me so? So you don't know that being tired is reason enough not to have sex? A man who believes that's not an excuse is saying she shouldn't have an excuse and yea, there are men who reason that way.

Not everything should be spelt out for you at your age.

Btw, I like Tim, is he not a man?

freecocoa:
True, that's why that rubbish should be scrapped, starting from me.
Already told popsy.

freecocoa:
Duh! So Lagos is better than ph now, I hate lagos abeg,

Believe me Tim, it's not really about where one stays, it's more about the mindset with people, I have noticed among many men, the belief that, a woman should think of her hubby first before herself and when I ask,hope it's the same for the man? I get to be told that, "you are a woman, it can't be the same"

Timbuktou:
I never doubted its existence, just its prevalence.

Oyibo women nko? Are they any better? How many oyibo women marry poorer men, happily?

Timbuktou:
Coogar, I never said wives who made unreasonable demands deserve to be raped o. I'm just saying making unreasonable demands isn't the same as theft, also making unreasonable sexual demands isn't the same as rape.

My father taught me to leave at first no. I'm sure my mom who have indoctrinated my sister along the lines of a healthy self-esteem.

The woman that showed bruises, were they bruises from a fight or from violent rape, let's be analytic here. Anybody can say anything to tilt a judgement in their favour, most of all, women.

Anybody who says marital rape is non-existent because of bible or law is an ass that should be shot.

Still, I decline to agree at the prevalence of marital rape in Nigeria. Thank you.

freecocoa:
You go first ask yourself, whether these women even believe it is normal for a woman to be president. It is something still considered taboo around here.

Forget the internet, Nigeria is still very backward on matters like this.

When I try to even talk to some women on women empowerment, the response I get is saddening "babe leave o, we are in Nigeria, unless you don't want to get married bla bla bla"

Sometimes I even think, the women themselves don't want a change, many Nigerian women are intellectually lazy, they fear responsibility like mad, they just want to manage to graduate, get married, have babies and enjoy their husband's money.

funlord:


No its not "DAME sambarry!" It is actually a caricature of 2 fictional but popular cartoon comic characters called "superman and wonder woman" depicting the style of "written slap" you had received on the post!

If only your childhood had not been characterised by "low rations,squalor, extreme poverty, poor diets, lack of adequate home training, ignorance, child rape, _incest, exposure to crime, prostitution and other social vices, then maybe you may have developed into a fully cultured and knowledgeable lady and then would have had an idea of "who and what" they both are and represent!

But unfortunately you have been left to spawn into a "local, brash, rant obsessed, mentally impaired zelda like creature that refuses to quit acting like a court jester in public!" Kindly swerve onto oncoming traffic, you would be of more benefit to the earth if you end up as "road kill for wild animals to devour!" Speaking of "charity beginning at home", I don't think your present location under the oshodi bye pass bridge qualifies as a home! Your daughter deserves better please!

Toodles!

freecocoa:
I honestly don't know what they are doing, I guess it all boils down to the men still marginalising women, abi you think being a politician is where it ends? sexism still persists.

SAMBARRY:
In other words women are married to become sex machines. If that's the case I am seriously enjoying

Timbuktou:
I would rather not go to work sometimes, but I do anyway. Am I being forced by my clients? Women make financial demands from husbands all the time, which some men think they cannot decline and don't. Are these women thieves?

Perhaps, they should be educated on the need to speak up when they don't want to get laid.

Narrating how her husband daily violates her, Ayofemi told the customary court at Alakuko, Lagos, that, “he doesn’t care if I am on or not, tired or not feeling fine. All he wants, is to have his way whenever he feels like it. I am tired and want a divorce” showing the tell tale signs of wounds and scars she received from her struggles with her husband in his attempts to have sex with her against her will.

Although the marriage was dissolved but members of the jury didn’t hide their unease with the word, violate, Ayofemi used in describing lovemaking between her and the husband. According to members of the jury, “a married woman has no right to deny her husband sex, at least not often to make the man get violent. It is painful that many young women are getting this thing called civilization all wrong.”

Though members of the public present in the court room laughed over the matter, with each person’s expression betraying his or her position on this sensitive subject, but the fundamental questions are, can a man rape his wife? At what point can a woman accuse her husband of raping her? What does our law and religious books say about sex in a marriage?

Going by the common definition of rape, which is forcefully having carnal knowledge of a woman by a man, can a man’s quest to have sex with his wife against her will, mean rape?
There is no doubting the fact that this topic will elicit mixed reactions both from men and women.

This is what our Senior Reporter, Anthonia Soyingbe went to town to find out.

It is a definite yes, according to Amaka Okorafor, whose marriage is just seven months old. I don’t care what anybody says, “my husband daily rapes me because each time he comes to me, irrespective of my willingness, he destroys my self esteem. He desires love making in very different ways from what I have been used to. He takes joy in rough handling me. He likes to bang my head against the bed, bite me and generally wants me to suffer physical injuries all the time,” she states.

She is not alone. Gloria Glory endured marital rape for 15 years. Sharing her experiences, she says, [b]“It took me years, to get past it to the point I could forgive. I did forgive years after the divorce. I think it was only then, I truly got past the triggers, flashbacks and dreams where I would wake up crying. It is rape if you don’t consent to it and marriage has nothing to do with it. I am talking about becoming emotionally violent when he didn’t get his way. I am talking about refusing to speak to me for days until he got his way. I am talking about being extremely mean to the kids until he got his way. Men learn quickly that women will do almost anything to protect their children, even sacrifice themselves. I am talking about withholding money until he got his way. I am talking about punishing me or the kids in any way he could until he got his way. I am talking about making me feel worthless for not meeting his wants. I am talking about expecting that it was my job to be the commercial sex worker in the pornographic movies whenever and in whatever way he wanted it. It took me so many years to understand what was wrong. I violated many of my principles for him, because he demanded it. And then I feel so guilty about it being my fault. Looking back, most times, I feel so worthless for the things I let him do to me. It’s horrible to feel more like a prostitute than a wife”[/b]

Sexual abuse in marriage is a tough thing to judge and most men who offered to speak with Daily Independent say that there is nothing like marital rape.

Idowu Sogelola, an engineer and managing director of Rock Associates, insists that marital rape doesn’t exist. “When does sex in marriage become rape? The Bible states that a woman doesn’t own her body and vice versa. Sex in marriage becomes rape when couples don’t have any relationship and when there are elements of violence. Spousal rape is Western culture and has no scriptural backing. Sex is an extension of love in marriage and one of the cores of marriage is conjugal love. If there is no sex in marriage; that means the essence of marriage is broken down. When we are talking about some issues, we should look at it from the cultural and scriptural angles,” he states.

Andrew Ogene, not real name, is an auditor in a Lagos-based private firm. When this reporter asked his opinion on sexual violence in marriage, annoyed at the question, he insists, “there is nothing called marital rape. How do you explain that? That is just not possible! The day she refuses my advances is the day I throw her out of my house. Is she crazy? There are so many women out there who can satisfy my sexual urge. If she refuses, I won’t only throw her out, I will go and to bring another woman into my home. This is Nigeria and not America. Let us put all forms of sentiments aside; why did I marry her in the first place? If she can’t satisfy my sexual urges anytime I need her, then let her return to her father’s house or go to a convent because I am not a celibate."

Rape, according to Kayode Salako of Change Agent of Nigeria Network, is forcefully having canal knowledge of a woman without her consent. “Going by this definition, a man who uses force to have sex with his wife has raped her, since it is an act of sleeping with her against her consent. In some of our cultures, it is regarded as the man’s right to have sex with his wife anytime and anyhow irrespective of how the wife feels. But in the Western world, such an act would be termed, rape. Men who force their wives to bed in the Western culture and under our constitution, are raping them.” According to Salako, the issue is not generating so much attention because many women don’t come out to report their husbands to avoid public condemnation.

“It is a pity that we adopt everything Western, including their laws but, shy away from the challenges that go with such laws. Most men maltreat their wives in all ways but, because the society frowns at divorce and separation, the women keep enduring the situation until they either get killed or can’t take it anymore. There is no other name for marital rape, than violence. What do you call it when a woman starts crying and cursing her husband after sex? Often times, this is as a result of marital rape. You rape a woman when you have carnal knowledge of her without her consent and that is violence against her right to say no to sex when she doesn’t want it.”

Kennie Okeowo, like Ogene is of the opinion that spousal rape only exists in the Western world as he argues that a husband can’t rape his wife. ” I don’t believe a man can rape his wife in this part of the world, such ridiculous ideas are for the Western world. The man or the woman can’t claim rape since the two have become one. African men don’t rape their wives,” he adds.

Janet Emirien, a marriage counselor describes as being unfortunate, some of the things men demand of their wives all in the name of sex. “Most men strip their wives of all the values of their womanhood simply because they want to have sex. It is unfortunate what some men make their wives do,” she adds.

Speaking further, she states that most women are unaware of rights even in their marriages. It takes two willing minds to get the best results from sex whether in or outside marriage. It is simply about consent from both parties. It is conjugal affection and both of them must show affection towards it.”

freecocoa:
Gross insurbodination for that matter o.

You can't even tell anyone your husband raped you, the question will be "how can he rape you when he owns you"

SAMBARRY:
Coogar arguing with you is like pouring water inside basket. You lack wisdom and enlienlightenment if not how can you be vomiting nonsense.

Please since when did husband and wife become people above the law. You need wisdom and in all your getting get understanding

Timbuktou:
If she has sex because she thinks it's an unshirkable duty, that's not rape. If, however, despite her open show of disinterest, the man has his way that's rape.
In the first instance, she didn't show lack of consent.

Timbuktou:
Exactly. Going near sef na suicide mission. How much more raising a hand, talk less of hurling an object. He'd be dead in seconds, as such you don't witness such indiscretions. The egg-thrower got off lightly IMO. A whole DPM fa, he dey crase?

Timbuktou:
The author is spouting tosh. We all live to please the opposite sex in one way or the other. That's the reason for sharp hair cuts, well-tailored suits, getting a clean ride, etc. And in women, lipstick, foundation, etc.

The fact of the matter is we all move around our houses naked and fart like we get paid per fart. Nobody wears a suit or gown to the family dining table. We all want to be respected and admired. It is a societal and biological instinct. Ugoji should not twist it to mean sadism.

Women who don't like makeup wear it to attract the kind of men that made-up women attract. Men try to show off their achievements to bag Iara Fortes level of chicks. Claiming otherwise is foolishness.

Whether some women, or men, have no self-worth is another matter entirely. Ugoji is conflating different concepts, concepts he's in no way qualified to talk about.

Timbuktou:
Did you read my comment about my cousin and her husband? I don't know for sure if he stills beats her but I'm sure her sharp mouth has been dulled somewhat. Imagine the fact that she openly and defiantly insulted him in front of his parents o(at the meeting of both families). Her father told her to leave the marriage if she cannot control her mouth, but the guy was fined sha. In his mind, I'm sure he'd be like Go d done catch you today.

freecocoa:
Dude, men rape their wives everyday in this sh1thole of a country, thing is, many of them don't even see it as rape.

All the woman hears is how she needs to make sure she's ready whenever her hubby wants it, the elders tell her this, the churches do the same.

I have seen a case where the woman left after being forced to have sex, only for the elders to blame her saying, she was pushing her hubby into the arms of other women, stating that being tired, is not an excuse not to open up for her husband.

Timbuktou:
Violence shouldn't be a weapon, but sadly it is very commonly used. I'm not an advocate for violence in any form, however, I'll take women seriously the day they give verbal violence the same attention they give physical violence. Like I said, unprovoked attacks are extremely rare.
I especially like your comment about no monopoly to violence: physical violence for verbal violence; seems fair. After all, all"s fair in love and war.

Timbuktou:
In Nigeria, he'd be dead. The DPM's security detail would first lash his destiny to Jupiter before carrying him to an undisclosed location. You cannot see such foolishness in Nigeria because we all know the consequences of such bravery. Death.

eyinjuege:
Don't forget no one has a monopoly on violence. Though few, men are also victims of spousal physical abuse. Do we say because those men were cheats, or verbally abused or disagreed with their wives hence provoking them deserved their heads be broken with a pestle? My stance would still be no. Why should any man or woman always choose the option of violence? It sounds wrong and should be discouraged strongly in my own opinion.

SAMBARRY:
Smh. It is your own state of mental development i should doubt. I will read the 1999 constitution of federal Republic of Nigeria. Buy it and grow sense small so that your misinformation will reduce

chapter 4, section 34 subsection 1 says

every individual is entitled to respect for the dignity of his person and accordingly no person (man or woman) shall be subjected to inhuman or degrading treatment


So if you have any brain left in your head you should know that whether marital or un marital rape rape is rape and they constitute inhuman or degrading treatment so to answer the question 5minsmadness asked what would she charge him for. I said plenty. She will charge him for section 34 sub section one. It's there. I'm not the one that wrote the constitution .air head!

funlord:


Its not suprising that its dead madam! Its a side effect of having a "louse sized I.Q ". Mr coogar diagnosed you were suffering from it earlier remember?

You should change your moniker to "arithmetic woman!" Because you only add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance!

5minsmadness:
I have uncles and aunties in the villages and I know most of thier dirty little secrets. NONE of the men force themselves on thier wives as a routine. The only uncle that tried that 'once' out of frustration told us about it and resorted to having a very willing side chic on the side since his wife continually refused to give it to him without a fight.

I asked thorpido cos I wanted real facts not social media sensationalism.
On to you then. Do you personally know anybody that as a routine forces himself on his wife?

Timbuktou:
Doesn't still mean men go about raping their wives, bruv. Are you aware that the Nigerian constitution promotes wife-beating by using a rod not thicker than the thumb? How many men go cut cane for their wives? . Nigerian men are angels, we don't harm our women.

In the past three days I have had cause to be scared for Nigerian women. I had long online debates with at least 30 young Nigerian (married and unmarried) men from different professions: lawyers, engineers, civil servants, teachers on the issue of marital rape. It has taken me a while to get over the shock of some of what I heard to write this article debunking the popular myths surrounding marital rape.

One does not need to have experienced rape to understand the seriousness of rape as a crime. Its highly intrusive, sometimes violent nature makes it capable of deep, lasting damage- more so than many other violent crimes. Often, the perpetrator of rape, (some put the frequency at as high as 90% of the time) is known to the victim- a neighbor, friend, uncle, cousin, husband, teacher, pastor, ex-partner. Rape takes on a new dimension when the victim is raped by someone close- then it even becomes harder to report. [Please note that while rape and sexual violence also happens to men, the focus of this article is marital rape as perpetrated by men]


In the case of marriage, Nigeria law and society has left nowhere for a victim of rape to turn. Our law, by its sad silence implies that a man, cannot commit the offence of rape with his wife. Even worse, many men in our society seem to reinforce this sorry state of the law by their statements and actions. A man said to me a few days ago: Why would a woman whose dowry I paid refuse to give me sex when I demand it?

Section 282 of the Penal Code, governing the North of Nigeria and Section 357 of the Criminal Code, governing the South, both exempt a husband from the definition of the offence of rape. This position of the law is based on the legal theory as expressed by English Judge Sir Matthew Hale in 1680 in The History of the Pleas of the Crown that “by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract the wife hath given herself in this kind unto the husband which she cannot retract.” In other words, a wife has by marriage sold herself into sexual slavery and does not have the right to say no.

I can understand how an English judge in the 1600’s would make this statement. But I cannot understand how an educated man in 2012 would repeat and justify it.

Marriage is a relationship of trust- perhaps the deepest level of the expression of trust known to humans. Sexual violence by a person to whom such trust has been given is probably the highest level of breach of that trust. This can be hard to report or otherwise handle. Whereas rape by a stranger may happen once, the victim of marital rape is likely to fear that this will keep happening. I do not need to explain how the anticipation of sexual violence from one with whom you share a bed can be traumatic.

One reason for a husband’s legal and social immunity from rape is our cultural attitude toward women in general. A man is viewed as master over a woman- a position reinforced by culture, religion and even law. I have never been able to get over the shock of Section 55 (1) (d) of the Penal Code which states that “nothing is an offence which does not amount to the infliction of grievous hurt upon any person and which is done by a husband for the purpose of correcting his wife, such husband or wife being subject to any native law or custom in which such correction is recognized as lawful”. This section places women in the same category as children receiving corporal punishment.

There are two grave implications of this section. One, that it permits the husband to beat his wife or otherwise “correct” her as long as he does not injure her. Two, it upholds any native custom that allows such beating or other violence against women. Thus a man, if he considers rape to be a corrective tool for her say, denying him sex may lawfully do so under the law.

A lot of the problem surrounding marital rape also comes from a skewed understanding of what rape and marriage is. I will attempt to make comments on some of these misconceptions as gathered from conversations I have had with Nigerian men in the past few days

1. Marriage entitles me to sex.

It is my right to demand sex from my wife and as part of her duties she must make the sacrifice and satisfy me when and how I want.
The basis of this unfortunate myth seems to be the idea that a man is superior to a woman. It becomes easier to justify this when a man believes that a woman is a lesser partner in a marital relationship. A man who sees his wife as an equal partner and friend will not turn violent when his wife is tired or otherwise unable to engage in sexual intercourse at a particular time. A loving, caring partner will likely not need to demand sex in the first place.

2. Forcing my wife to have sex is not rape. I am only taking what is lawfully mine.

Rape is any non-consensual sexual intercourse. I would go ahead to state that I think that it should include not just non-consensual vaginal penetration as the law currently provides but non-consensual oral and anal sex and the penetration of the vagina or anal cavity using objects including but not limited to hands or fingers. Rape is not about sex or love. It is about power, domination and violence. Just like consensual sex can be an expression of love in a marriage, rape is an expression of violent domination. The rapist is not just “taking” sex. Such a person is inflicting both physical and psychological harm on the victim. Rape has nothing to do with pleasure or enjoyment. It is a crime. Even where there is no struggle because a victim already feels overpowered mentally or physically, it is still rape. What makes it a rape is the forced and/or non-consensual nature of the sex.

3. "Marital rape" is a Eurocentric or Western Idea. It is unAfrican to talk of Marital Rape.

Marital rape should be seen as what it is. Rape. Sexual violence. It is not African. It is barbaric and does not belong in any human culture. Even if it is condoned by some of our cultures, it is our place to end those cultures. To use the legal cliché , any culture that is “repugnant to natural justice, equity and good conscience” should be discarded in favor of one that shows respect and dignity to all persons regardless of gender, circumstances of birth, or other differences. We must remember also that culture is fluid. It is not immutable but is a reflection of the ideals of a people over time. Our culture must reflect sane ideals, not practices that make slaves of women.

Sex in marriage should be enjoyed by both parties. It should not be a chore for one party. Healthy sexual relations should be where both parties provide intimacy and pleasure without discomfort, fear or coercion. Where a wife is forced against her will to engage in sex or certain sexual acts, the law should be able to protect her. No contract, marital or otherwise should allow one person to inflict violence on another.

Our legislature must step up and expunge embarrassing provisions in our laws that allow men to legally inflict violence on their wives. Our law must protect vulnerable groups (and minorities) instead of legalizing their oppression.

I must end by saying that I am a Nigerian man. I believe in the equality of man and woman. I believe in the right of a woman to be in control of her own body. I believe in the right of a woman to say no when she does not want sex. I believe in the right of a woman to withdraw the consent she has given at anytime. And I believe there are many other men, like me.

funlord:


I've NOTICED it 2! Jesus wept!

SAMBARRY:
If marital rape is illegal why where the women charged to court. I'm done arguing with you since you have nothing sensible to say the rest of your post are like a clanging cymbal or the barking of a dog

5minsmadness:
If this were true there'd be fewer cases of cheating in marriage.
Most men will simply look for a willing woman outside instead of forcing their way on an unwilling wife.

Do you demand to have sex even when your wife disagrees an then go ahead to do it?
Did you dad do it? Your uncles? Brothers? Forget social media jazz and be honest now.

Timbuktou:
Of course, I'm talking about our generation. Women haven't always been self-deterministic in the history of the human race. Every society, at one time or other, has had misogynistic laws. We're talking about today's Nigeria, or we may as well be talking about ancient England.

Timbuktou:
Coogar, nobody does this in Nigeria, well, almost nobody. Only an extremely tiny percentage would ever do this. Believe me, not many men even know it's not a crime. Juts because the law encourages it doesn't mean Nigerian men routinely rape their wives.

thorpido:
I'll disagree on this one.Actually many men have the sex they want when they want and expect their wives to understand it's their rights as a husband.

Timbuktou:
Hehehehe. Of course, she shouldn't be forced. If she says no and the man goes on anyway, that's rape. My point is she may not want to have sex but does so just to satisfy her man whether she's in the mood or not. I, for one, wouldn't go on to have sex with someone lying like a log, anyway. The schlong would shrink.

SAMBARRY:
It's a lie! You are speaking from both sides of the mouth after exposing your hypocrisy. Kontinu

SAMBARRY:
Ok so what does whether she is ready or not

is it not the same thing as whether she likes it or not then speaking of women not capable of raping men i think I saw a thread Mr coogar created about 6wives raping their husband to death in Nigeria.then please and please when you are arguing argue with direction I hate blind argument

SAMBARRY:
I should be asking you that question.


Please define your statement by a married woman is expected to surrender for sex whether or not she's ready. Define what it means.

SAMBARRY:
Sharap there and answer the question i asked you

Timbuktou:
Chai. See somebody's mother. Damn.

SAMBARRY:
eww are you for real
spits in disgust. Tufiaaaaaaaaa

so you will happily be thrusting in and out of a dry and unlubricated vqgyn@

Tufiaaaaaaaaa

Timbuktou:
But if she surrenders it's no longer rape. Do you know how many times I've had to pound because I was requested to and not be I was interested? I consider it doing my duties, Mr. Coogar. I woke up one night to find my babe helpng herself to my manhood, I just lay there and let her have her fill. I didn't and don't consider myself raped. If she took out my car would that be theft?

Timbuktou:
I don't know of anyone who rapes their wife, if anything, touching their wives no longer has any appeal. Most men would just get a girlfriend or an olosho.

damiso:
Go check the Nigerian urban Dictionary why is it me you are asking na sebi its ladygogo that first called her a 'Runs gal' Ngbo ladygogo what and who is a runs gal?