Timbuktou: I seriously doubt the prevalence of marital rape and physical abuse. These things are scarce. What we have may be a particular person being a serial/prolific abuser. But to say 50% of the population is reaching.
As for verbal and emotional abuse, can't really tell on that score.
everyone uses their mouth to fight in nigeria - that's standard procedure. marital rapê would not even be exposed as it's not even seen as a crime.
it would be close to 80% if you consider verbal, physical, emotional, etc. our laws don't even have any form of punishment for marital räpe. can you beat that?
thorpido: Your title is wrong.How many marriages do you know where the husband beats the wife to conclude Nigeria is a nation of wife beaters?Perhaps you don't understand the title. Yes,there are incidences of wife beating but how many compared with the general population?MarvellousGod spoke about her family.It's the same story with mine too,so where is the basis to conclude it's a nation of wife beaters?
You can't just use your immediate environment to judge all marriages.
there's nothing wrong with the title, if the stats is as high as 50%, then one can conclude its a nation of wife beaters - especially when nothing is being done by the law to curb the menace.
police rarely get involved in domestic violence. the churches usually ask the victims to persevere and stay in the marriage. this is not good enough. steps should be taken to punish the culprits.
Onegai: Sorry but Verbal Abuse is NOT considered on the same scale as Physical Abuse. Ask any pyschologist, one damages your pysche over time, another takes your life faster. So the phrase "dying in my marriage" here will refer to people whom are physically buried or treating actual wound, not pyschological scars. Gender is not to be mentioned until we can divine the actual figures of Domestic Violence cases. Then we look at which gender is more prevalent.
only an illiterate would type the bolded statement. verbal abuse is actually the worst form of abuse. the exposure it gets is minimal but it's conveniently the worst.
Please I will not reply any other posts attempting to derail this thread, we are speaking ratios and numbers purely. Thanks.
you are the one derailing the thread. the OP did not ask anyone to become a statistician. it was just an article to read & digest.
Onegai: I'll go first and my answers are as honest as I can guarantee. I did not add any friends in the data that I am not sure of their marriages, so only marriages I know to about 50% were used as my sample data
(A) No. of Marriages you are well-acquainted with (including several intimate details, not what you see on the surface or gist you heard): 6
(B) No of Marriages any form of Violence has been introduced (mild to moderate violence to severe): 2
(C) No. of Marriages which have ended in Severe Violence (leading to medical intervation, death or divorce): 1
(B+C) ratio A = (2+1) ratio 6 = 1:3
your formula does not identify who the abusers are - it can only tell the ratio of happy marriages to the ones ridden with strife.
verbal abuse is as harmful as physical abuse. women mostly use their tongues, men mostly use their fists.
Onegai: Nigeria: A nation of wife-beaters? by GistMan That Anglican church, that was my church in the late 70s and 80s had prayer sessions on Wednesday mornings. And the congregation more than once, had to do more than praying. Shrills and wails of the “mother of the parish” were familiar to some and when they pierced the serenity of the sanctuary , even fervent prayers had to be aborted.
Out of the sanctuary and mumbling disgust at failure of the priest to handle his affairs more tidily, elderly parishioners would shoo away children and hurry in the direction of the screams to save the vicar’s wife from further savagery . And she would be retrieved from a torrent of blows and kicks. And a panting and menacing priest will direct some scowls and threats at the interlopers who had the impudence to abandon prayers , to pry into his running of his home.
A handsome, well spoken, seemingly urbane vicar whose sense of piety tolerated chasing his wife around the church premises in full glare of congregants to effect priestly moral chastisement. He would conduct services the next Sunday dove-like , like that Wednesday never happened. The priest was brutal , the society and church were complicit. The priest received rapid promotions and has been a top ranking archbishop for many years.
Domestic violence against women may be rampant in many parts of the world but it is , in addition , socially tolerated in many parts of Nigeria. Victim surveys show that about 50% of women of all categories suffer repeated physical, sexual and psychological abuse in the hands of their men and other men.
Beyonce says girls run the world . Perhaps they do all the chores. The world constructed by patriarchy where women are told, and believe, they were created for men is an unjust world. Women, helpmeets, ostensibly exist to help men meet their loneliness. But because men are literally pulsating bags of sex hormones then women must further be objectified for maximum sexual benefits of the male collectivity. So women, pawns, are socialized into roles that are seemingly objectively neutral but that are patently slavish.
And since they are by nature beautiful , men are groomed cynically to think that women are beautiful because they are men’s ornamental pieces. The icing on the cake of their earthly existence.
Their beauty is for the viewing pleasure of men, yes. Men deny them autonomy and urge them to concentrate on cosmetic trivialities and being beautiful, in the service of their sexual imaginings. Dolls. And women spend their lives preoccupied with their sexiness. And women , only women , flaunt naked bodies and revel in things tight and skimpy.
Culturally , they are positioned to live on the magnanimity of men . The society pauperizes women because dependence on men glorifies men -prancing bags of ego. Independence perhaps detracts from the sex appeal furnished by dominion.
Across the cultures in Nigeria, women were almost in some ways were seen as sub-human. The female child was always considered inferior to the male child. Patriarchy meant that the cultures and traditions were merely the wishes of men. And societal leadership was the exclusive preserve of men. And the inferior women whose roles were to gather wood, cook and be married off to breed children had little real value. And a man who died without a male child -heir, lived a wasted life.
And the cultures gave women to men as wives in the likeness of properties. And since women were seen by men as superficial , mawkishly sentimental and lacking in sobriety , maturity and intelligence, they were generally considered as marginally more rational than children. And the husbands were required by the cultures and traditions to continue from where the fathers stopped because the character molding of the female must be superintended by men . Women, they say, “spoil easily”.
And they all had to be closely monitored because the society perceived that women weren’t just vulnerable and perishable but that also they possessed in their biology all that was needed to thoroughly ‘corrupt’ generations.
And since they are supposed to be naturally gullible and loving of ‘sweet things’, they could, if unchecked, let loose and imperil the society. A spoilt female, they presumed, could damage the morality of a thousand men! The lecherousness of men is always permissively read as the work of nature. Lasciviousness and promiscuity are bred by sluts – women.
Women globally have clawed back few rights but so much remains. Women couldn’t vote in many places until the 20th century. And couldn’t act as sureties for bail in Nigeria until a couple of years ago. Successes recorded in the enactment of legislation that prohibit discrimination based on sex , that promotes equality of the sexes have not translated into significant dismantling of barriers and systemic disadvantages that manacle women.
Men fashion cultures and interpret religious texts and allocate to themselves the position next to God. And they say it is not male chauvinism. The woman is not only of lower intellectual capacity, she is also an inferior spiritual being, they think. And the elderly women school the younger women in the art of worship of men.
And the subjugation is perpetuated. A godly woman is submissive to her man whom she needs to be a ‘complete’ woman. And being perpetually female and single is pathetic failure . An unmarried mature woman is an abject failure. And many women display wedding rings like trophies and loudly brag about being “happily married” albeit to brutes. And these immoral presuppositions are espoused even by women. Cultures, traditions and laws are always seemingly objective and neutral. Tools of domination.
A decadent and impoverished Nigerian society, unfortunately, can no longer maintain a steady stream of matured capable eligible bachelors in an increasingly monogamous setting. So many unpaired ready women languish emotionally. The society insists they marry but the society lacks sufficient quality men. Many marry and submit to poorly groomed and conceited nitwits to escape the social handicap of remaining unmarried. Lagos landlords would not even let apartments to unmarried ladies.
So all kinds of marriages are now contrived to satisfy different needs and fears. In many of these contraptions, women shackle themselves with crippling yokes and their hopes and self esteem are squashed . The men are lords of their manors and the women are essentially glorified domestic helps.
And the standards are now so low that marital love is assumed to exist if couples manage a steady stream of bland courteous interactions. And if men show wives sporadic affections in tokens and gratuities for sex , for house chores, and for bearing and looking after their children, they expect adulation.
The woman would endure endemic sexual harassment in workplaces and yet come home to spaces where the man, enfant terrible, must be feared because he can unilaterally deny everyone peace by throwing tantrums. The incidence of domestic violence has been on the rise in Nigeria. And wives are serially physically and sexually abused. Some husbands are so out of touch with decency that they batter their wives even publicly.
And some who, as children, suffered severe psychological dents when their mothers were battered, pay no heed to the sanity of their own children when they batter and denigrate their spouses. And if you are as unlucky as a cousin of mine who had the misfortune of a hefty tempestuous husband who had a second wife in alcohol, you will be battered at night and on his temporary return to sanity in the morning , the brute will ask you how you came by so many bruises.
Amongst many who claim sophistication are men who torture their wives verbally and psychologically. Threats of divorce are casually dangled because bullies consider themselves indispensable benefactors of the women. The husband becomes the maverick. He enthrones an air of unpredictability and lives out his whims, caprices and sadistic fancies. “You will pack out of this house” . “I will send you back to your father’s house”. Daily squirts of scorn, contempt and derision. Many Nigerian men treat wives like low level employees.
In a society where men are allowed to punish erring women and where family matters aren’t supposed to become police cases until perhaps someone has been knocked into coma, the men get away with horrendous crimes of domestic violence and the women burn silently. And even when families and friends are brought in to settle disputes , the general counsel is always for the woman to find some way and manage the madness of her husband. Wife beaters judging another wife beater.
And the victim’s helplessness is exacerbated by a certain faithful acceptance of the notion that marriage is somehow “for better, for worse”. Divorce is condemned. The female divorcee easily earns public contempt. So the woman takes in the scorn and brutality of her husband and remains “happily married”. Aren’t they always happily married?
Wives are essentially personal acquisitions. Mandatory dowries, which are often exorbitant, do not help to curb the sense of ownership that many husbands associate with marriage. And since the Yoruba wife refers to the husband as ‘ Olowo ori mi’- my owner, the man does not need the woman’s express consent for sex.
The woman’s rights belong to her husband. Sex must be given on demand and to refuse the man sex is to commit an act of gross insubordination which could even be construed as an act of infidelity. And any hint of infidelity by the woman is an abomination weighty enough to make her an eternal outcast.
Marital infidelity by the man is understandable. The man is viewed as inherently polygamous and when he chooses monogamy for any reason he must be rewarded and encouraged by a little license to ‘respectable’ and ‘guarded’ compensatory extramarital liaisons.
And many tout themselves as good husbands because they shower their wives with visible gifts . Amongst them are exhibitionists for whom wives display objects through which the egotistical self can aspire to vainglory. So the wife can have the most expensive of luxury cars but would be accorded the disdain due a pest inside the home. And even a careless yawn might attract the sternest of rebukes! The agony many glamourized wives of the rich live.
Relevant statistics in Nigeria are non existent . Domestic violence cases are rarely reported to the police who are always reluctant to press charges. The society’s stigma and lack of confidence in the police by victims ensure most raped and battered wives grieve in silence. The law here still says you can’t be guilty of raping a wife. Barbarism. A criminal justice system populated overwhelmingly by men cannot understand the pain of domestic and sexual violence on female victims.
The laws and customs in Nigeria cede the homes and everything else to the men. They are founded on utterly sexist assumptions bordering on misogyny. The presuppositions must be dismantled by raising of consciousness. Religious texts must be interpreted hermeneutically. The criminal justice system must be fine tuned. A wife-beater is a criminal.
Ladies , “shine your eyes!”
By Ugoji Egbujo
this is a well-written article! it's probably the best i have read from a nigerian concerning the domestic violence. the writer succintingly wrote about the cause & effect.
the writer spent so much time on the effects though but balanced enough to highlight that the bride price syndrome is the reason many men treat their wives as properties,
he had his entire formal education in the UK. he actually worked in the banking industry for 10 years in london before moving to nigeria. its obvious why toke wants to "die there".
ladygogo: Oh yeah. She used social media to bully him into marrying her . Apparently thats the trend now with these pseudo celebs. Lol. Toke has really 'washed' that guy. Although, his family may not have as much money as before, he still has that old money refinement to him. You can tell he isnt cut out for the naija celebrity crap.
cococandy: Coogar do you have proof? Anyway that's what some women get for being desperate about marriage. When you say a woman's life should not revolve around marriage, some want to bite your head off. Why won't they be treated like trash when all it takes to make one a person deserving of respect is marital status.
there's proof everywhere na...... twitterati went in smoke when it was reported the maje guy stood toke up at the registry.
damiso: toke was a runs girl. With all the independent woman ish on her Vlogs and instagram?
damiso, what's the meaning of a runs girl? a sprinter or a marathoner?
Stillfire: We need to stop blaming other people or society for the decisions these women make, for real. The average Nigerian woman chooses to stay in a bad marriage. She would do anything to be a Mrs.
That is the average Nigerian woman's life goal . To be Mrs Somebody. Don't you see how they pray in churches? I must marry by force o.
Why won't you people's marriages turn out to be a disaster? If I were a guy I would run away from Nigerian women. You find out the societal pressure they talk about, it's Nigerian women that mostly put it on top themselves.
She made the choice to stay. A gun was not held to her head. Enough of these pathetic stories. Stop playing victim. In this day and age, I will not pity any woman that stays in a bad marriage. I can help you look for the necessary authorities to report the husband to because I'm practical. That's all. You know what to do either you divorce or you die there.
I read some of his bitten bars, I'll let that slide ain't here to cause confusion../but the mega bite he did against mikuz... shows the reason why ksslib never run out of subscription......../
There is nothing like happiness when it comes to these two. If it was about happiness she wont have gone ahead to marry him after what his family members did to her.
i was told they seemed happy but then it could be fake. i was told she always flaunted him on her IG/twitter page.
Did people actually take that marriage seriously? I mean their sham of a marriage. The Maje guy actually stood her up at the Ikoyi Registry, hit her and she still went on to plan a surprise a wedding. Only a thirsty and low self-esteemed girl will do that.
i think the guy never wanted to marry her. she used the social media to her advantage. her fans nearly killed the dude when he hesitated just before the court wedding......he quickly changed his mind & they did the wedding out of the blue...
As far as I'm concerned, they deserve each other. Who marries a runs girl like toke and a Lagos Ikoyi Fugk boy like Maje Ayida and expect it to last?
MBA! the guy deserves better - toke is a twät! with her manicured nails & that shyte face she always carries around.
Joy1706: Do you think she would ever be happy in this relationship? I would rather be single and happy. Besides, there is every possibility that she could get it right next tme
she would never be happy too if she leaves the relationship. leaving a relationship doesn't heal a broken heart, in most cases - it actually leads to depression.
between the devil & the deep blue sea....there's no lesser evil.
elampiro: Prove this or keep shut your dirty mouth.
Quoting daily mail is better than you who quoteuseless blogs to back your senseless arguments.
You have no clue what football is about. All you know is out stats which you are clueless about their workings and interpretations. I have been the one helping you to interpret your own stats for ages.
You are a compound fool. How does football work? Is it by watching and discussing FIFA11 or playing computer games like primary school pupils that is about football?
These are for kids. Okocha and co did not rely on these yeye computer games for football knowledge.
Stop lying. You didnt know whoscored was different from opta. Your disease infested brain couldnt have been so sharp to comprehend such.
Whoscored was what I called oputa because to you thought both were the same. Before I came, you never knew the difference and details in the data you were parading. I opened your eyes to see the difference. I helped you to define those parameters over time, but being tortoise that you are, you turn around to claim you knew them.
I also lectured you in detail how whoscored arrive at it's players rating. I pointed to you how Man City hired whoscored to help analyse their players performance statistics.
Who doesnt know about opta. Opta that is discussed in every sports forum.
I was the one who pointed to you that EAsports was the official players performance index for EPL.
When a player wins a penalty and scored the penalty, he actually has done better than anyone who scored from open play from another's Assists.
Hazard is EPL player of the year voted by his co professional players. Something Silva might never win.
Clement Njoku from Akubuze village, the son of palm wine tapper, you told us Mourinho never kicked a ball.
You just told a lie. Where did I say Hargo played against Messi in camp Nou? We were talking about the return leg at Old Trafford. Why dod you always like telling lies?
Were you born to lie?
these were your lies that period when you were still covered in fecal matter known as facebook - guess what? it was afrodoc & dademola that disgraced your surname concerning the lies you tell on a daily basis.
afrodoc: so according to elampiro 1) Roy Keane played in the 99 final
2) Sneijder is a "lion" who wins 50-50 balls unlike Kagawa
3) Messi started on the left of Barca's attack in 2008 but was chased to Evra's side by Hargreaves cheesy.......really?
4) As a corollary to no 3 above Messi was CLIPPED by Hargreaves
5) Hargreaves was preferred in big games to carrick and scholes despite the fact that in the 2nd half of the season Hargreaves started in CM in only ONE match against a top 4 team and only TWO out of 7 Champion's League matches while carrick and scholes started in 6 and 5 respectively
Bros u might have played with karimu shaibu o cheesy but ur football analysis needs some reconfig.
do you remember this humiliation handed to you or not?
dademola: .u forgot to add d most important one:HARGREAVES WAS OUT FOR 3 MONTHS IN THE 07/08 SEASON!!
i love NL. previous posts on lies are so easy to fish out. elampawa, there's no single doubt in my mind that your first bath water as a child was filled with crystals of lies.
FOREXMARTS: This debate has been on ever since both albums came out lol. I respect your opinion but disagree totally. Quoting you " cos it's deep & highly intellectual." That's what hip hop is about to me, deep and highly intellectual, get the listener to think. Don't forget hip hop sprung up from stand up poetry which were later accompanied by background music. Once again "Deep and intellectual". Just my opinion.
i respect yours too. those 2 albums were very great - it would depend on what the listener prefers. biggie made me laugh more - he had a complete package & it was value for money.
nas' album was short - although it was more straight to the point. no needless skits & fillers. i don't have any grudge against anyone that prefers illmatic.....it was very good - it's just that i love RTD more.
Joy1706: Really? Taking toke's predicament for instance, most of those commenting were advising her to forgive and make sure she doesn't give room for Anita to come in and take over her man.
so what do you advise? toke should leave her marriage? is there any guarantee she would find happiness in her next relationship?
baralatie: there is a joke we share in the romance section.it goes like " if you want to propose to a lady and get a positive answer.take her into a canoe and paddle to.. the middle of the ocean(just the two of you),then pop the question......will you marry me. guess the answer!
she would say yes in the boat & dish you a dirty slap the moment you get to the shore. saying yes to a proposal is not legally binding. millions of women say yes & then change their mind later.
Joy1706: The man runs after everything in skirts, the woman is told to turn a blind eye. He impregnates one of his side chics, the woman is told not to leave her home for any woman and is even told to bring the baby into her home to raise. He infects her with STDS, she is told to use condoms and to do periodic tests. They also never fail to emphasise that she must never deny him sex. He goes as far as bringing his mistresses into their matrimonial home to sleep with and she is still told to turn a blind eye and pray till she can't move her jaw again. We hear all these advice from men and sadly, women too. Where is one supposed to draw the line? When is it okay to leave a cheating husband? Why do we advise women to swallow all these bullshit? Abi, is it just me that finds a philandering man intolerable?
Again, for your information, I have been on nairaland since 2005. You see yourself?
you didn't even know what opta does - all of a sudden, you want to talk about stats.
You are funny. I didnt know the difference between opta Assists and EPL/ECL Assists, yet I have been correcting your kuilikuili figures for ages.
correcting who? you only quote what you read from your sources - dailymail & dailymirror. that was your source of football info. anything else apart from those, you were super-clueless.
Last year March, we used both both OPTA and EPL Assists data as separate data in oir argument, 15 months later you claim I don't know about these stats.
you are a fool! we are not talking about march 2014, we are talking about march 2013 when SAF was still here and you were still idïotic about how football works. all your comments can be retrieved so stop lying.
You only began to separate whoscored from opta after I revealed that they were two separate companies. The whole argument started when we discussed which players were rated highest in Man United matches under Moyes, when most ratings from several sports websites didnt favour your view, you said they were all rubbish. That was how you said opta was the only credible rating website. When I asked you to present OPTA players rating, you brought out whoscored players ratings. Ukwu!!!
why are you such a numbskull? how the fück did you survive infancy with this level of stüpI dity? nobody ever said whoscored was the same as opta. all i said was whoscored use opta stats to collate their data on player ratings.
So I had to correct you that it was whoscored not opta. Different companies. ..... The worst of all these is that 6 months later, you condemned whoscored players ratings as nonsense when they didnt favour your views.
you lack cognitive reasoning..... oputa was what you called opta. back then, we had to explain to you what shot assist, key pass & open play goals meant. you even thought corner kicks were not setplays.....funny how you are now claiming to know footie when the evidence is in the archives.
Shut up your dirty mouth, you short kpengu big belle.
Everything you wrote up their is your usual Toirtoism. The main thing is that you should stick to one data source through out the length of an argument and be consistent.
data source or no data source, you never knew anything about opta. if you weren't a disgraceful ingrate, you should be paying homage to me every season for the knowledge you have acquired from me over the last few years.......but i bear no grudges.
You remember too when you used to rubbish Hazard goals, that he has many from penalties. I told you he wins most of the penalties, hence the goals are even more valuable than normal goals from open play. But you kept rubbishing them. Months later, you were using penalties won to count Assists for some other players you like.
Consistency! Man.
shut up your mouth & stop fabricating stories. goals from penalties are awoof goals & only a stüpid donkey like yourself would claim only hazard wins penalty for chelsea. upon all his penalties(won & scored), he still lagged behind david silva for the 3rd consecutive season as far as creativity is concerned.
you know nothing about football..... all you do is blow hot air here & there. why should we even take you serious? you saw rooney won the FA cup, you saw scholes/keane in 1999 UCL final & you also hargo clipping messi's left foot in nou camp. you are a disgrace to all the honest folks in edo state.
tpiander: i for comment, but its only a matter of time before the op starts raining invectives on women from here or there.
tpia, say what's on your mind. invectives should be water off a duck's back for an oldie like you.
miniziter: Am just tired and don't even know how to handle this parental issue about my choice of marriage due to tribalism. But what's bordering me is that can God also say NO just because they're also saying NO.
when nigerian parents say no, best believe it's directly opposite of what God is saying. don't let anyone manipulate you - if you love the woman in question, go for her.
I swear EA has done something to my account, i cant seem to win to save my life...
best believe, i raged sold every of those mutha fuckers that called themselves my players.
I am sitting on 3m now. will put together my final team little by little...
i hope you are aware there's nothing happening from now till FIFA16. players are already going extinct. the coming TOTS won't break the market, EA has already released the TOTS of the top 3 leagues in europe.
if you don't start buying now, the prices go up & you would end up with not being able to afford the same quality of players you sold. i want to do BPL team but i don't like BPL defenders. i might do serie A/french league tho.
FOREXMARTS: Lol I am an audiophile, also a professional sound engineer, asides the fact that Bigie was unnecessary violent and dirty The sound quality was damn below par. Legends handled Nas's illmatic album. Illmatic didn't make platinum, RTD did. Sales ain't a criteria in My kind of hiphop. I still got RTD in my laptop just not on my phone. Don't be biassed lol you know RTD's production was poor and unnecessarily long. Illmatic was short always leaving me saying let's do it again.
the production wasn't poor - the street feel was deliberate. it was recorded in the same studio nas did illmatic. DJ premier blessed both albums. actually, it's the street feel that made it the most influential rap album in that era. biggie became the king of NY on the back of the success of that album & nas was nowhere to be found.
Biggie is among the legends true dat but I will always put Nas'illmatic before RTD. 1994 is revered as the golden era of hip hop and 4 classic albums of that year were Dr. Dre's The chronic, Nas's Illmatic, Biggie's RTD and Snoop's debut album(with "the shiznit" as my favourite). Just my preference lol. Of all these albums RTD had the poorest production.
RTD was a better album than illmatic. illmatic was too short - it's the kinda album you just listen to & nod your head cos it's deep & highly intellectual.
RTD was just pure entertainment. it's a story book. the intro was about how biggie was born & the last track was how he committed suicide. it's a documentary of a drug dealer - alcoholism, sëx, drugs, robbery, etc. it had it all. biggie was more personal, nas used a 3rd person narrative in illmatic.
Family › Re: Nigeria: A Nation Of Wife-beaters? by coogar: 9:06am On Jun 17, 2015
did you use a love potion? 
