₦airaland Forum

byvan: It's always easier being married to your friend,i wonder how she survives that.

Yes. I agree.

friendship before and after marriage.na d best thing be that.

prissyluv: I think d first thing we should ask ourselves here is why do people get married?

if I start to list why?

the first reason gan gan sef..It is worthwhile.

Toyinletstalk: When you marry for the things you hope to get from the other person, the marriage becomes a hole that your expectations when received fills the hole, when you don't receive what you want, the hole is there and every other way to fill it up with other things, won't just work.

Marriage always come first irrespective of what you have suddenly achieved or become. When we put our marriages first and respect it by all means, we learn how to balance everything in such away that nothing suffers. Your career will not suffer, your kids and the time you spend with them will not suffer, your relationship with your spouse will not suffer, and so on.

Women, naturally have more responsibilities in a marriage, we always want to share it, trust, but the better you know that majority of it and keeping your home, strictly lies on the woman, the better and fight free most home (in this our generation) will be.

women have more respon what?? lol

both have the responsibility jorhh.

If u are a man, na ur type i go run away from

pickabeau1: hope u get what u want

I hope u dont think it is hard to get

byvan: The typical Naija marriage is exhausting.i have a friend whose husband ll not touch food that is not fresh from fire.He comes home as late as 1.am,thats when she starts preparing his food,he doesn't eat anything preserved like dry pepper or dry fish, he eats everything fresh.He kept up his part of whatever deal they made by making sure she doesn't lack cash.

Living by rules is not living at all.

This man na killer o..hahahhaha!!

I wont do that. never.

I think the sacrifice has limitations.

Fulaman198: For me, I just want a woman who is virgin with a kind pure heart. I would love this woman with all my heart and protect her with my life.

protect her with your life.
That sounds exotic

byvan: There must be sacrifice for a marriage to work,there just have to be.

Yes. I only said that in relation to his post on needing to change the topic This one is not on sacrifice but sacrifice does happen but should be minimal

[quote author=tpia@]I dont think its necessarily a bad thing for people to have preferences in food, as long as you're sure of its safety.

For example, you'd be hard pressed to find an italian who doesnt like pasta or pizza, a german who doesnt like beer and sauerkraut, a brit who doesnt prefer curry or fish and chips, or an american who doesnt like ice cream.[/quote]It is a bad thing if you demand it in a particular way and expect that person to give it to you in no other way. It is like getting on their nerves.

I am a good cook for example but i cant always give myself that. So suddenly, I'd be married and instantly turn to a Cooker that is everly ready to cook?

dayokanu: I agree with OP. People expect too much from their partner like they married Superman or superwoman

First remember the person you married is human too just like yourself before giving him/her inhuman request

Its in every aspect. A man expect he marries a woman and now he should be getting fresh soup every meal, hot steaming pounnded yam daily, give birth to kids clean after them diligently, wake up every night to rock baby to sleep everytime, house cleaned every hour, mindblowing sex every 12hours, Wife kneeling to serve food wash cloth daily and never be tired for once

Women marries and expect all her financial needs to be met, She can go blow money anyhow and expect to be replenished daily, She lives in a mansion, drives brand new cars uses latest gadget and dont care to know how they are funded. Comes to sex, the man should light candle, soak in bath tub, do 2hrs 4play twice a day and now have the sex they talk about in Mills and Boons

Thats why I think when roles and responsibilities are shared regardless of gender, then it makes things easier for both but when you want to draw lines between Man and woman duties then it gets tough

I cant be providing for everything my wife needs 100% and not expect 100% from her responsibilities.

since she doesnt care if I am tired from my daily hustle why should I care if she is tired also from the housekeeping and baby care

You did capture my thoughts.

I used to think of it in the way of what I can get that I must get. It could not work if I want all my 'rights' and expect understanding when he cannot get all his.

onegig: You couldn't have said it better. I used to wonder where all these people shouting food is the way to a man's heart get their idea from. Maybe in the past but as of now who is cooking should be the least of things causing disagreements.

Most guys are not really fixed on food. Me as an example don't have any fav. food or fixation that you must cook this or that. I just eat anything i feel is right and at anytime it is available. I understand the op's use of the example to pass her message across but food should be the last thing causing marital problems Abeg.

@topic. I guess going into a marriage with the mindset of "what would i offer" not "what i tend to get" or "what i am entitled to" also helps. If everyone has this mindset to compromise would be much easier because you would always be pro -relationship and not the selfish type. I just believe two people who are getting married should have atleast covered most areas and understand the essence of compromise.

Thats the point. demanding less.

Not in the attributes but in what they offer.

TV01: @OP, I believe a proper understanding off what the dynamic of marriage should be would lead to a better phrasing of your poser thus;

"What if spouses sacrifice more for each other"

TV

No. People talk too much about sacrifice. The condition you are trying to meet is thus high and it becomes harder for each person cos each is demanding sacrifice from the other.

what if we just demand less? and not expect too much from the other person?

pickabeau1: In addition, marriage no be by force...

It may not even be your destiny

which kin talk be this. Not for this thread pls.

chaircover: deols marriage isnt that complicated . . .or it shouldn't be anyway and its def not a one plus one is equal to 2 affair.

If you see the other person as an extension of yourself and you learn to relax and enjoy it, things wont be so hard

I kind of even think that these rules and regulations and tick sheets that people go into before the marriage have the disadvantage of making the holes look bigger when they occur.

The dynamics of marriage are always changing. One cant treat marriage like a fixed deposit account. One day you could be putting in 90% and the next day 40% . . .the people in the marriage must be flexible. That is the only way to enjoy it.

Yh..flexibility.

I have seen rigid too many times though. I have the idea of prenups but changing my thoughts on it.

prenups only become useful in divorce anyway. So why not just live rather than living on set rules and being careful not to break them?

Fulaman198: People should not marry one another based on material things and tangibles. By doing so, you are indirectly setting yourself up for failure. Just because someone is rich one day, doesn't mean they will always be rich. We can't take the things God gives to us for granted.

This is why marrying someone strictly for their heart is important.

I only portrayed the most extreme circumstance. It can never be ideal.

MMotimo: Today, I think people overthink this idea of marriage too much, sometimes it sounds like heading to battle. Marriage is a coupling of friends, not enemies and not meant for people that can barely tolerate each other. Maybe I am just an oldfashioned romantic but I believe in love and I believe it covers up a lot of things.

I will talk about your cooking example since I can provide first hand account - look at a marriage as "what can/does he/she do?" Not "what does he/she not do?"

My husband cannot cook save for basic boil rice, egg but he can eat cereal+milk, bread+ stew, sausage rolls, pancakes, sandwich, cookies+hot chocolate, etc as a meal anytime of the day. He has no rules around "I must eat so and so at this time." Our kids have been brought up that way too. I cook or we go to a restaurant, buy takeout, fry eggs, etc even for dinner. As long as no one is starving. There is always food in the house in different forms, doesn't have to be poundo + bushmeat. Some men are simply not deep into this food thingy

Now, this person that cannot cook, cannot stand dirt/untidiness which means if anybody is wasting time with cleaning, he will happily do it himself without asking anybody. If you don't clear up the laundry hamper quickly enough, he will put all the clothes in the washer himself, dry them and damn your whining about mixing up colors. He will clear the kitchen sink faster than you can say " it is so and o child's turn to do it." He helps in the kitchen with the most basic tasks and I could go on and on.

He cannot wash a car to my satisfaction, the reason why I do all the car washing myself at the self serve car wash. Which means I wear jeans and rubber boots and wash by myself.

Marriage is work but it is not labor, take your time to know who complements you. Right now, we have no stew in the house because we ran out. So tonight, we might go out for dinner or just eat something light at home tonight, no biggie.

Me that cannot guarantee I will have "real food" at all times, when it is time for him to eat, unless I'm asleep or out of the house, I dish his food myself, set the table for him,invite him to eat and stay with him till he is done. I treat him like a king and he treats me like a queen, works for us.

I could write more but have to go now. Remember -first things first, marry your friend.

Your story is sweet. kai

ireneidiva: i agree with you. Marriage should not be on rules. Don't marry a man that swears that he will never enter the kitchen or eat out when he has a wife or a woman that says she will never pay the kids school fee because she has a husband.

I used to say that I would never pay.

my money is for me myself and I

ifyalways: There is no way any human relationship CANNOT be symbiotic, not even in marriage. Right from birth,childhood,everything, all we do as humans is for mutual benefits. Now, the "benefit" is relative and not quantified in all situation.

When I give alms, the smiles of happiness I get back,plus the believe that one day,I or one of mine in need might be helped by someone else is my "benefit" - silly as it may sound.

I put my kids through school cos I expect them to come out with good grades, get a good job,live good lives,give me grand kids and make me happy in old age.

I take good care of my husband so he can concentrate and make enough money for the family.

Soooo,long story short, giving and receiving is perfectly normal and cannot be eliminated lai lai. It only becomes unhealthy when its parasitic- one person giving,the other receiving.

I agree totally. But when things are a little not perfect, we could just live with less..

yellowpawpaw: Good topic for discussion.

Many marriages wouldn't hv hit d rock had those involved used common sense. Our society is a bigger reflection of both who we r individually and as a family. We r too self centered and rigid.
An example is a couple that just came back from work and hubby will retire leaving d wife to toil in d kitchen or a working wife that decided her money is for her pple while only d husband provides for her immediate family.
We follow some rigid cultural practices that does not comform to today's world and xpect a blissful marriage.

It was in solomom's thread that somebody asked whether I can do plumbing work. The essence of doing all those thing is just to distress ur other half and be less dependent.
Marriage is a union for the matured minded. I've seen a man who normally wakes up to pound yam b4 going to work in d morning cos wifey is busy preparing d children to school b4 she goes to work. He loves the thing die.Since he want poundo, he wakes up earlier and do his thing. What's the big deal. But most of us won't do that cos they feel its beneath them. That is what is called marriage. I've not washed hubby's clothes up to 6 times since we got married.cooking is a hubby else......but I can't turn semo.
At time like Byvan said we all eat out a whole day. I can pay, he can pay. shikena.

In my house for eg, of all the people hubby worry least about, its me. Simple bc I made it to be so.
Marriage entails practicality and always calling black black.
Another major problem that stiffles marriage is too much proximity. We all need fresh air at times. Let there be enuf space for everybody,s me time.

Waoh! C epistle.
It is well.

Deols, r u getting married soon?
(My gele is still in my box o! ).

I must to invite you nahhh

[quote author=tpia@]People have already dropped enough suggestions, advice and comments for you to choose from.

Besides, you also have other threads you opened to discuss marriage and expectations.

Your preparations are intense, yet you are not even ready to marry as you pointed out.

I just feel sometimes its about 'gbe enyan lenu jo' so to speak.

Ie have people type till their fingers get tired, gba arodan.[/quote]They are not complaining.

And I am genuine.

yousee: Your reply was on the statement that some of these people that slay and burn during religious riots are always "high" on something.

Yet you wrote "religious function"...

so what is your point?

naptu2: I was waiting for someone to answer my questions, but unfortunately nobody has answered them. This matter is actually very simple and straight forward, but the introduction of religion and emotions have complicated things.

Yes. I could tell from your post that the state has the right to enact such laws.

But maybe if they had used the police rather than hisbah(who promote shariah?) , we would have seen it less of a religious issue.

I like your input. It is good to see it in another way.

byvan: Definitely some set of traits goes with being married but it's nothing to fret about,nature takes its course.You just find yourself becoming more of a nurturer and less of a daredevil if you were one . There is always spontaneity when you are married to someone that sees life through similar lens with you,you can't marry a rigid minded traditional man and expect flexibility .Children will curb some adventures too,i know what kids did to our carefree lifestyle .when third parties are completely eliminated in a marriage,there is usually a fertile ground for spontaneity to thrive.


It won't be about you anymore,all decisions have to be about "Us ",thats why marriage frustrates selfish people.

You always have a hilarious twist to it. Traditional men are a no NO. I cannot come and go and die.

[quote author=tpia@]When going into marriage just accept there are two options: either it will work out or it won't.

Divorce is always a possibility and increasingly so these days.

Therefore, imo the topic has been thoroughly examined and exhausted enough, people should take what they can from it or ignore what has been said, and move on.[/quote]madam. I used to always believe that divorce is an option. A big, good option.

When I started to think in line of being more ready to deal with certain not so good situations, I thought it was me growing up.

Dont draw me back please
plus I am an optimist. The man I shall marry shall be the one and only. thats the dream ma'm.

shymexx: A plate of Ibadan amala should suffice.

What say you, Ibadan girl?

o kare jare.

do you even understand what that means?

amala pelu abula ati ogufe....yeeepa!!!! igbadun

byvan: When both spouses are flexible,they ll hardly disagree . If only couples can do what suits them and forget the way others did it in the past, marriage ll definitely be a walk in the park . It's hard when young couples try to live by the book,where wife cooks thrice a day,husband must foot the bill and so on.....

It's really fun if couples can keep the marriage the way they were while dating.Eat out when you can,cook when you can, club when you can.Rigid expectations can be pretty frustrating,its easier to live without rules.just move with the flow.........

This idea suits me, a lot .I like to do what I want to do just because I want to do it. It is much more fun when it is not a responsibility.

But how realistic is it in Marriage? There's just a set of traits that go woth being married. Some kind of responsible state..

Sissie: If spouses demand much from each other, it should be realistic and flexible. It should not be one party doing the demanding the other doing the giving.

Yes.

But I am talking of the mindset of going into the marriage with the thought that you could take much less, if you have to.

You know how our lists are so long maybe we wont compromise that b4 marriage. But with marriage, all hands are on deck to make it work..in a synergy.