₦airaland Forum

StephenP:
I know, I know, it's been AGES since I last posted something and I am ashamed of myself but see what happened was, it's a really long story and I'm sure you don't want to hear it.

The Curse

Disguised by my easy-going persona, Nigerian accent, and pasted-on grin, hidden like my eyes behind black NY baseball hats, beneath my often bearded visage - is a gnawing ache. Sometimes mocking me; sometimes pushing me toward my limit; sometimes silent, but always there, always present. The ache lives and breathes. It grows as I grow, feeding on my accomplishments and replacing them with uncertainty. And when, for a fleeting second, I am able to adapt to the ache, reinforce my defenses, build up immunity, the ache adapts to me. The ache is a virus and I am the host. The ache is a parasite and though it is seemingly harmful, it is in actuality benign; for it is not the ache itself that kills but the quest to rid oneself of the ache that is problematic.

The ache needs me to survive. In my pursuit to gain relief from the ache, I feed it the only thing that satiates it – accomplishment. Every passing grade I ever earned, every acceptance letter I ever received, every cent I ever cashed, every tackle I ever made, every success I ever experienced no matter how remote, worked to satisfy the ache, not me. And for those fleeting moments, I felt relief. But just as sure as the night, the ache returned.

I wonder if all mankind is cursed with the ache. I wonder if the ache is hereditary, passed down from parent to offspring; or if the ache develops independently of any parental input and is self-imposed. Is the ache a product of capitalist society, or do even mankind’s most ancient people, unspoiled by the modern world, also experience the ache? I wonder if it can ever be cured.

Many say that what I feel as an ache in the recesses of my consciousness is nothing but the esoteric fear of failure. Others say the ache is my ambition, my drive towards a goal. They say the ache will always be there until the bright glow of success anesthizes it - but until that day comes, it will be my cross to bear. But I have my doubts, for as soon as a man earns a million dollars; he aspires for 10 million more. As soon as he learns to walk, he aspires to run. He who is truly driven is never satisfied, and thus the ache is eternal, always transforming to fit the host’s reality.

To have a goal, is to have the ache, and to have the ache is to never know contentment. This is the curse of the driven.