₦airaland Forum

A Miracle

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem"?

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant. About four months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be! She has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla"?

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor"?

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

That's Amazing!

When Mary was pregnant, her five year old, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy.

So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.

But when he did, the baby was suddenly still.

"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother.

"A nap"? Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too"?

The Perfect Woman

Fishing with an open-face reel
with a Bud Lite tucked in her bikini bottom,

That's hard to top!

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, a magazine and some new blue jeans all for a dollar!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore. They got those video cameras everywhere you look."

Beware! They Walk Among Us

One day, I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "where"?

---

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north"? When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

---

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day, I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time"? Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

---

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

---

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

---

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10 percent. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10 percent and gave us a 20 percent discount.

---

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head"? I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

---

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry, because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet"?

---

While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into four pieces or six. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into four pieces. I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces.

Yes, he walks among us too!

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

When he got there, he said, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge"?

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later, the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having"? asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you"?

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

Always listen to your wife.
She gives Sound Advice:
99% Sound and 1% Advice.
---------------------------------
Hubby: Darling, years ago you had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml
now
it's 1.5 ltr.
-----------------------------------
A woman is always right.
Sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, irritable and even
downright stupid, but NEVER EVER wrong, !

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Well, good night, dear diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park
near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight and walking toward the beach,
the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.

Church Announcements

***These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.***

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Martin's Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

- The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

- Don't let worry kill you off, let the church help.

- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

- Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack's sermons.

- The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell"? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.

- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

- This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

- The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

- The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours!"

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people 4rm neighborhood rushed around to know de cause of this. de man asked junior to tell everybody wat the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number u are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment Pls Try Again Later"

Roger, Nija_diva m'heartie. Nothing more!

A man died & goes to hell. There he finds that there
is a different hell for each country and decides
He'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to the German hell & asks, "What do they
do here?" He is told "first they put you in an
electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a
bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all so
he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as
the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that
they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that
there is a long queue of people waiting to get
in, Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told "first they put you in an electric
chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of
nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in
& whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells,
why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
asks the man. A concerned fellow calls him aside and
said,
"Because there is never any electricity so the
electric chair doesn't work.
The nails were paid for but were never supplied by
the contractor, so the bed is comfortable to sleep
on.
And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant,
so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back
home for other business!!"
, IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN.

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you"?

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Shhh!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home"? he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him"?

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there"?

"Yes."

"May I talk with her"?

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there"?

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what"?

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise"?

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there"? demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "Me."

What would u do if u were the banker and discovered this?

Don't worry Oracle ol' chap, go over it again and u will get it, Be cool

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home.

"Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."

In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates, many of them already laughing at him. He then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

While leading a tour of Kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an X-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone"? he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt"?

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break"?

"My sister's arm."

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.

Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.

"Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone"?

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat, I heard his earnest request, "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,
"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance. If you
knew my wife, you wouldn't want her back. Not even as a holy spirit.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten"?

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did"?

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty"?

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay"?

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. Now go forth.

The Intern

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

Michael, what would you do in a case like this"?

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

The Intern

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

Michael, what would you do in a case like this"?

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

Children in Church

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry"?

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that"?

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

---

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that"?

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen."

---

A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

---

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say"? he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out"?

---

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go"?

---

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

---

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But, who is the fourth person"?

"Oh, that's Pontius the pilot."

---

The Sunday School teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating"?

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

---

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"

It worked!

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you"?

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too"?

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better, isn't he"?

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three"?

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six"?

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten"?

"A jack," says the little boy.

Years ago, when I was in business, I had a secretary named Donna, who was very very pregnant. Although she was going to have a single baby girl, it looked as if she were going to have triplets.

A little girl, about four years old standing on tiptoe on the other side of the counter, was just staring at Donna in wonderment. Finally the little girl dramatically pointed at Donna's abdomen and exclaimed loudly, "What's that"?

Donna, somewhat embarrassed, explained politely to the little girl, "I'm pregnant. That means that I am going to have a baby, a girl, and it will grow up to be just like you."

The little girl asked, "Do you love the baby"?

Donna replied. "Of course I love the baby."

The little girl then exclaimed, "If you love the baby, why did you eat it"?

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom"? the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150!"

I work for an entertainment company that has about 150 stores. We run servers in the back office that connect out to terminals that the associates use to ring sales. This is probably the worst call I had to field in two and half years of tech support.

Her: "Umm, my thingies aren't up!"
Me: "Your thingies aren't up"?
Her: "Yes, my thingies aren't up!!"
Me: "Ok, calm down. What exactly are you talking about"?
Her: "The thingies! You know, the thingies that have wires coming out of them!"
Me: "Do you mean the cash registers?"
Her: "I guess."
Me: "Are you talking about the thing that looks like a small TV screen. The place you ring up sales"?
Her: "Yeah! The TV thingies! They aren't up!"
Me: "Ok. What happens when you flip the switch on the front of the monitor?"
Her: "Nothing."
Me: "Are all of your terminals blank? Like they're turned off"?
Her: "Yes. Everything looks turned off."

After ten minutes of checking power cords on one or two of the terminals, her manager gets on the phone.

Him: "Why do you have my associate messing with the terminals"?
Me: "Because she called and asked for help."
Him: "Well, I don't know who you think you are, but you will not tell my associates what to do!"
Me: "Well, sir, if you want this problem to get fixed, I'll have to talk to someone."
Him: "No! From now on, we'll fix our problems by ourselves, we don't need your help anyway!" (click)

Riiiiinnnnnnngggggg.

Him: "Yeah, I need some help. The last idiot I talked to didn't know what he was talking about."
Me: "Well, sir I'll be glad to help."
Him: "Nothing is working."
Me: "Does any of the equipment in the backroom have power"?
Him: "Hold on. No. Nothing has power. This entire side of town has been blacked out since 3:00 a.m."
Me: "Sir, I need you to take the monitor from terminal one and move it to terminal four, then take terminal six and move it to terminal one."

There is a long wait while he lugs the terminals around. It's not a pleasant task, because of all the dirt and dust that builds up.

Him: "Ok, I'm done. What now"?
Me: "Well, first, I was the 'idiot' you talked to before. Second, a man who doesn't realize that computers need power to work has no real right to comment on someone else's intelligence, does he"?
Him: "Uhh, bahh, uggh." (click)

The actual time I spent with the manager on the phone was about 20 minutes. I got written up, but it was worth it.

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.


"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked,

"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go