₦airaland Forum

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30.

Grandpa's Valentine

I was the only family member living close by, so I received the initial call from the nursing home. Grandpa was failing rapidly. I should come. There was nothing to do but hold his hand.

“I love you, Grandpa. Thank you for always being there for me.” And silently, I released him.

Memories, memories. Six days a week, the farmer in the old blue shirt and bib overalls caring for those Hereford cattle he loved so much. On hot summer days, lifting bales of hay from the wagon, plowing the soil, planting the corn and beans and harvesting them in the fall. Always working from dawn to dusk. Survival demanded the work, work, work.

But on Sundays, after the morning chores were done, he put on his gray suit and hat. Grandma wore her wine-colored dress and the ivory beads, and they went to church. There was little other social life. Grandpa and Grandma were quiet, peaceful, unemotional people who every day did what they had to do. He was my grandpa; he had been for 35 years. It was hard to picture him in any other role.

The nurse apologized for having to ask me so soon to please remove Grandpa’s things from the room. It would not take long. There wasn’t much. Then I found it in the top drawer of his nightstand. It looked like a very old handmade valentine. What must have been red paper at one time was a streaked faded pink. A piece of white paper had been glued to the center of the heart. On it, penned in grandma’s handwriting, were these words:

To Lee >From Harriet

With All My Love

February 14, 1895

Are you alive? Real? Or are you the most beautiful dream that I have had in years? Are you an angel or a figment of my imagination? Someone I fabricated to fill the void? To soothe the pain? Where did you find the time to listen? How could you understand?

You made me laugh when my heart was crying. You took me dancing when I couldn’t take a step. You helped me set new goals when I was dying. You showed me dew drops and I had diamonds. You brought me wildflowers and I had orchids. You sang to me and angelic choirs burst forth in song. You held my hand and my whole being loved you. You gave me a ring and I belonged to you. I belonged to you and I have experienced all.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I read the words. I pictured the old couple I had always known. It’s difficult to imagine your grandparents in any other role than that. What I read was so very beautiful and sacred. Grandpa had kept it all those years. Now it is framed on my dresser, a treasured part of family history.

--Elaine Reese

I remember when I was too little to reach the telephone. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was Information Please, and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anybody's number and the correct time.

My first personal experience with this genie-in-the-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information."

"I hurt my finger," I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?"

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.

After that, I called Information Please for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me the chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

When our pet canary died, I called Information Please and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual things grown ups say to soothe a child. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Honey, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone. "Information," said the now familiar voice.

"How do you spell fix?" I asked.

When I was nine years old, we moved across the country. I missed my friend very much. Somehow , I never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half-an-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or soon the phone with my sister. Then, without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information, please."

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. "Information."

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."

I laughed, "It's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me."

"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" the unfamiliar voice asked.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Did you say your name was Paul?"

"Yes."

"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you: 'Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in'. He'll know what I mean."

~ Author unknown

Each year a husband sent his wife roses on their anniversary, and the note would always say, I love you even more this year than last year. My love for you will always grow, with every passing year." She trimmed the stems and placed them in a very special vase.

The year after her huband passed away, the doorbell rang. She found roses sitting by her door. She just looked at them in shock. Then she went to get the telephone. The florist said, "I knew you'd call. The flowers you received today were paid for in advance. Your husband gave me a standing order that I have on file. He did this several years ago. He also wrote a note to deliver for the first year he didn't come in to the shop."

Her fingers shaking, she brought the flowers inside and opened the note.

"Hello, my love. I know it must be lonely, and the pain must be very real. If things happened the other way, I know how I would feel. I loved you more than words can say. Please try not to grieve. I want you to be happy, so the roses will be sent to you for years. When you get these roses, think of all the happiness that we had together, and how both of us were blessed.

"I have always loved you, and I know I always will. Please try to find happiness in life. I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some way. The roses will come every year.

"I asked the florist to try five times, in case you have gone out. But after his last visit, he will take the roses to where we are together once again."

- Author Unknown

Wish all love stories are like this,

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like He made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say No to drugs and Yes to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to, because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power, because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

--Answers from 2nd graders.

Daily Thoughts

Being a full time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs, since the payment is pure love.
--Abraham Lincoln

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
--Oscar Wilde

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
--Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Dad: Junior, why is your bedtime prayer so short?

Junior: Because when prayers last too long, angels begin to fly out of the window

The Future of Airlines

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear
is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed
women in combat, take a poll to see which of you
successfully aim at the toilet rim.


3. If we're watching football with you,
it's not bonding, it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever
you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

7. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the
number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

8. If you were really looking for an honest answer,
you wouldn't ask in bed.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends
keep track of "who's easy"?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers
are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance
, in fact, please do!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit
rather than "yours", the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt
will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system
to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone"
and then not talk to us.


16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work";
besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men,
why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however,
very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.

She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

Men are like,

1. Men are like , Laxatives , They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like , Bananas , The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like , Weather , Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like , Blenders , You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like , Chocolate Bars , Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like , Commercials , You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like , Department Stores , Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like , Government Bonds , They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like , Mascara , They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like , Popcorn , They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like , Snowstorms , You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like , Lava Lamps , Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots , All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Fun With Monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what"?

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be"?

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

A redneck girl was dating a fellow in Pennsylvania named Clarence.

They got into a huge fight and she told her two brothers, Billy Bob and Billy Jim, about it.

They jumped into their pickup truck and headed to Pennsylvania to settle the score with Clarence.

They reached the state line and after passing under an overpass, Billy Bob made a quick U-turn and headed back toward home.

Billy Jim asked why he had turned around.

Billy Bob replied, "I ain't messing around with that dude. Did you see that sign back there? 'Clearance 14 feet 8 inches.'"

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day.

She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to just boil the sauce again and it should be fine.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it.

Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Pat was not feeling very well, so he decided to go to a doctor. While he was waiting in the doctor`s reception room, a nun came out of the doctor`s office. She looked very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat went into the doctor`s office and said to the doctor, "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor said, "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaimed, "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responded, "No, but it sure cured her hiccups.

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Ex-Boyfriends

Four School friends meet at their School Reunion. One of the friends goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons,
Guy 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!
Guy 2: Really? My son's made me proud too. He's become so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.
Guy 3: Even my son got rich. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yacht and jet.
The fourth High school Guy comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.
Guy 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.
Guy 1: What a shame.
Guy 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yacht, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends.

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family. I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business. I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too and why shouldn't they? Some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived. And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!"

"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition"?

"Condition"? The man sat up in his chair.

"What condition"?

During a wedding reception; the groom was called
upon to give his
vote of thanks to his guests and this is what he
came up with:
I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty
for creating my wife
and
to also thank the pastor and his wife for
lending us their wedding
rings.
Special appreciation to my landlord who lent
us his car.
I am most grateful to my boss for approving
the loan I used for the
wedding.
Big thanks to the committee of friends for the
appeal fund they
raised on my behalf.
Also to my brothers wife, thank you for
lending us your wedding gown.
Am so grateful to the cake designer for the
cake. I promised to
return it tomorrow morning as
agreed.
Special thanks to my friends who brought food
from their homes to help me feed all. Please, for those who
were served food good
luck and for those who didn't get any, well
we will make it up to
you during our child's dedication( hopefully next
year).
Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the
village cultural band
to supply themusics well as entertain us
all here, today.
Not forgetting the church marriage committee,
thank you for
persuading my wife to marry me.
Appreciation to the married men in the church
for rushing me into
this marriage.
The women are not left out, thanks a lot for
teaching my wife how to
dance.
To the youths thank you for sweeping and
decorating this venue with
palm fronts.
I am also grateful to my teenage friends for
helping with the Zobo
drink
Well, I wish you all safe journey and I pray
you don't experience
what I suffered for this wedding

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and poof, two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So, the fairy waved her magic wand and poof, the husband became 92 years old.

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings. When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.

At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed, "Come down, Holy Spirit!"

Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters, "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat"?

A little girl asked, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block"?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean"? asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle"?

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong with your turtle"?

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"

"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So, the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, "I win!"

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

They finally came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will"?

There was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."

Another Telemarketer

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I answered it, I was greeted with, "Is this Karl Brummer"?

Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who was calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.

At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here"?

"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators"?

"We didn't do nothing," the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

A Black Man walks into a prestigious private bank in Mayfair and asks for a
loan from the loans officer who politely tries to direct him to a more
commercial establishment.
The Black Man says he's going to Jamaica on business for two weeks and wants to
borrow £5,000.
The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,
so the Black Man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked
on the street in front of the bank. He has all the papers including the
title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there. The news quickly spreads throughout
the bank and over lunch, the bank's president and its officers all enjoy a
good laugh at the dumb"Nigger's" expense for using a £250,000 Rolls as
collateral against a £5,000 loan.
Two weeks later, the Man returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £20.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The Black Man smiled and then replied; "Where else in Central London can I
park my car for two weeks for only £20.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?".

And dem seh we foolish

Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend,
>
> 1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you
> should read the sports section of the newspaper so
> that you are aware of what is going on regarding the
> World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in
> the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you
> will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be
> totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving
> any attention.
>
>
> 2. During the World Cup, the television is mine,
> at all times, without any exceptions. If you even
> take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose
> it (your eye).
>
>
> 3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV
> during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it
> crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If
> you decide to stand nude
> in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on
> right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have
> time to take you to the doctor or look after you
> during the World Cup month.
>
>
> 4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and
> mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or
> something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
> expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer
> the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on
> the floor, It won’t happen.
>
>
> 5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at
> least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as
> well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do
> not make any funny faces to my friends when they
> come over to watch the games. In return, you will be
> allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless
> they replay a good game that I missed during the
> day.
>
>
> 6. Please, please, please!!! If you see me upset
> because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get
> over it, its only a game", or "don't worry,
> they'll win next time". If you say these things, you
> will only make me angrier and I will love you less.
> Remember, you will never ever know more about
> football than me and your so called "words of
> encouragement" will only lead to a break up or
> divorce.
>
>
> 7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one
> game and you can talk to me during halftime but only
> when thecommercials are on, and only if the halftime
> score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am
> saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as
> a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
>
>
> 8. The replays of the goals are very important. I
> don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen
> them, I want to see them again. Many times.
>
>
> 9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or
> any other child related parties or gatherings that
> requires my attendance because: a) I will not go, b)
> I will not go, and c) I will not go.
>
>
> 10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his
> house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there
> in a flash.
>
>
> 11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV
> every night is just as important as the games
> themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you
> have already seen
> this, why don't you change the channel to something
> we can all watch?"
> because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of
> this list".
>
>
> 12. And finally, please save your expressions such
> as "Thank God the World Cup is
> only every 4 years". I am immune to these words,
> because after this comes
> the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish
> League, Premier League, FA
> Cup, etc.
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
>
>
> Print this and place it besides the TV so that
> madam or your girlfriend can see so that we all
> enjoy the world cup and save some misunderstanding

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"?

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

Once upon a time, there lived a King who, despite his luxurious lifestyle, was neither happy nor content.

One day, the King came upon a servant who was singing happily while he worked. This fascinated the King. Why was he, the Supreme Ruler of the Land, unhappy and gloomy, while a lowly servant had so much joy? The King asked the servant, "Why are you so happy"?

The man replied, "Your Majesty, I am nothing but a servant, but my family and I don't need too much; just a roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummies."

The king was not satisfied with that reply. Later in the day, he sought the advice of his most trusted advisor. After hearing the King's woes and the servant's story, the advisor said, "Your Majesty, I believe that the servant has not been made part of The 99 Club."

"The 99 Club? And what exactly is that"? the King inquired.

The advisor replied, "Your Majesty, to truly know what The 99 Club is, place 99 Gold coins in a bag and leave it at this servant's doorstep."

When the servant saw the bag, he took it into his house. When he opened the bag, he let out a great shout of joy. So many gold coins! He began to count them. After several counts, he was at last convinced that there were 99 coins. He wondered, "What could've happened to that last gold coin? Surely, no one would leave 99 coins!"

He looked everywhere he could, but that final coin was elusive. Finally, exhausted, he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to earn that gold coin and complete his collection.

From that day, the servant's life was changed. He was overworked, horribly grumpy, and castigated his family for not helping him make that 100th gold coin. He stopped singing while he worked.

Witnessing this drastic transformation, the King was puzzled. When he sought his advisor's help, the advisor said, "Your Majesty, the servant has now officially joined The 99 Club."

He continued, "The 99 Club is a name given to those people who have enough to be happy but are never contented, because they're always yearning and striving for that extra one, telling to themselves, "Let me get that one final thing and then I will be happy for life."

We can be happy, even with very little in our lives, but the minute we're given something bigger and better, we want even more! We lose our sleep, our happiness, we hurt the people around us; all as a price for our growing needs and desires. That's what joining The 99 Club is all about."

--Unknown

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.


A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

Mukina,mukinatu,mukinabe, - JUST FEEL GOOD

nA U SABI Mukina - anyway have fun & be cool (after all, hot angel also 'strayed' in)