₦airaland Forum

On one occasion, a student burst into his office.

"Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."

To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day,
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men,
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it! , because that is your job, and I can just wait
for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says , "HEBREWS"

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.

Muchas gracias you guys, wondering what I would do without Nairaland.

Be cool

I use a Vmobile (now Celtel) service and would like to use my handset (sony ericsson K310i) to check
my mails on the net as I've seen a few people do with theirs. I've checked Celtel's website for direction
but found none.
Is there banyone in Nairaland that can help with how to go about it?

Came in on my birthday, makes u special . Be cool

The children begged for a hamster and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time, we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

Daily Thoughts

2006 Stella Awards

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):

Nineteen year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor, because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge . She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:

This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000, plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case anyone else thought that's what cruise control meant.

Looking Good

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Mr. Clean

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing! it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it!

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh no, am I driving"?

Pope tribute to slain Italian nun

The pope said Sister Sgorbati died with forgiveness on her lips
Pope Benedict XVI has paid tribute to an Italian nun killed in Somalia who is reported to have forgiven her attackers as she lay dying.
Sister Leonella Sgorbati was attacked, along with her bodyguard, outside the hospital in Mogadishu where she worked.

Some suspect the shooting was connected to recent remarks by the Pope which caused anger across the Islamic world.

Pope Benedict spoke ahead of Monday's planned meeting with ambassadors from predominantly Muslim countries.

He said her sacrifice was the most authentic type of Christian testimony, which showed "the victory of love over hate and evil".

"This nun, who served the poor and children in Somalia for many years, died with the word 'forgiveness' on her lips," the Pope told pilgrims and tourists during his Sunday address at his summer villa at Castelgandolfo near Rome.

Moral: That is real christianity on display in the face of irrational/wicked/cruel and evil people. God bless Africa and the blood of the
saints will not be shed in vain as Africa is for Jesus!!

Mr Backslider,
What is your point? What is the aim of this thread you started - Controversy? Enlightenment?
information? Conversion? What do you intend to gain from the same?
I don't understand where you are going but this thread sure cannot edify.
In one of your earlier threads you claim to have backslided from Deeper Life Bible Church and I
trust you still have the greatest respects for Pastor W F Kumuyi - is this how Kumuyi  would go
about preaching the gospel? The Biblical example of preaching the Gospel ( which can be found in Acts)
clearly is not this way. Just you lift Jesus higher and let Him do the drawing of men to himself.

Taunts, etc lead no where but do a great disservice to the Gospel of light.

Be cool

Seen them, Mukina, seen them. My view is - don't be part of the muck. Just say your piece
as nice and polite as you can. Refuse to be a part of mud slingers. God made the world a beautiful
place, but our sin has brought us to this level.

Noticed your place is now Saudi Arabia, u dey waka o, you dis girl
Remain cool

Mukina2, Where did you get that statistics from, abt majority of Xtians being trouble makers?
Same goes for Drusilla, where did your stats come from?
I am a practising Xtian who is just distressed with the amount of muck being thrown on this board
by people I believe are mainly gentle and nice folks. I suppose the jokes board is better for me
because I'm not used to mud-slinging. My faith teaches me to have respect and love one for another.

Be cool m'ladies and God bless you good!

Loving husband, Ed, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really mad at him and she told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds. And it better be there!"

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

I cannot understand the goal of this thread.
Is it for information? Ok thanks firdaus4us, but no thanks
For abuse and insult? God bless you real good
Enmity? Got to try harder here
To annoy? sure succeeded, going by posts from havilah et al

But then, all the the posts on this thread are quite saddening and unfortunate.
Question: If some one reads your post (talking to all now), will (s)he be encouraged to worship
with you?

Let's be cool

Dear eazyman,
I live in Nigeria and I really feel and understand your argument. Just a few days ago, about 10 churches were burnt in Jigawa
for reasons I cannot still fathom. And THESE ARE NOT ISOLATED CASES as Belloti would have us believe. Also provocations
cannot be avoided - because it is a fact of life. I do not believe that Bellotti has not been provoked by anyone in his family or associates, etc.
That didn't mean he (though I wouldn't know that) raised a cutlass or gun to decapitate or kill them. I also know a lot of muslims who find
these actions of some of their contemporaries quite distateful and embarrassing. Just as I find some actions of some Christians sad and
embarassing.

Drusilla's point about the Indian is well taken and does say a lot. Also Havilah's post on this thread.

So you see, we just cannot retaliate even if we can because that is not the attitude of Christ which Christians are supposed to
possess. Then where will that leave the Christians? To sit down ' and be wiped out from the face of the earth'? Or be Islamised?
Not necessarily because that will be forgetting a very important factor - GOD!

If God has to cleanse the world of all the evildoers, then NO ONE will be alive on earth. But thank God for the grace and the
blood that was shed at the cross for ALL mankind. So please don't start wishing or thinking evil of our muslim brothers, yes,
you read correctly,BROTHERS, THE SAME HOLY GOD MADE US. The problem the world over is as a result of SIN. So there's a lot
more work for Christians to do.

So be cool eazyman, be cool and don't let the adrenalin run high (only compounds the problem). God is still on the throne.

@mukina
2 - days ago, u wondered why there was a lot of insults and disrespect on the religious board.
Don't be part of the muck but keep ur posts civil. I've missed you at the jokes board or have you permanently switched?
Be cool

Backslider , apparently you didn't understand my post. We are saying the same thing - I just used a different
language style. Just thought I could make the folks see the stupidity of the idea of wearing skimpies to church
when same 'free choice' people would find it repugnant to wear bikinis to office, etc.

Hope you understand now Backslider. Ever heard of the words 'sarcasm' and 'satire'?

Remain cool

Many thanks Havila for such a wonderful counsel, nothing more to add really.
Sure wish I knew the position now - she sure needs all the prayers.
Be cool

Wow, grafikdon, very strong words indeed. Sorry, if I disappoint you - BUT I BELIEVE IN GOD.
But I think insulting folks and showing disrespect in the name of God is quite distasteful and WRONG!

Civility and respect are great hallmarks of people who fear God - no matter the provocation. And I
trust you would agree that it's sure a much more pleasant way of making people see your point.

Remain blessed

Quite a lot of the postings here are funny. To the sisters and brothers who see nothing wrong in
wearing skimpies to church, don't you think it is cool to instead wear bikinis and topless to church? Especially
as it is a matter of choice. Betterr still, I think we should go back to the early ages and wear leaves or nothing at all
not only in the church, but office, school, market, practically everrywhere!!

Oh, pls give me a break you jokers and let's get sensible. Be cool

Mukina, I thought you were a Sierra Leonan. Missed you at the Jokes board.

I lately hooked on to this board and couldn't agree more with your remarks - especially
on the insult and malicious bit. It appears we are throwing decorum to the winds.

We are surely one - made by the only One God - even if we choose to follow after other gods
which are actually no gods. All the rudeness surely does not contribute to peace, though I acknowledge
that some folks insist on denying others their rights in the name of religion.

Be cool Mukina, be cool. It's a sign of the times. Don't fall into the muck!

A Guy Named Bill

His name was Bill. He had wild hair, wore a T-shirt with holes in it, blue jeans and no shoes. In the entire time I knew him, I never once saw Bill wear a pair of shoes. Rain, sleet or snow, Bill was barefoot. This was literally his wardrobe for his whole four years of college.

He was brilliant and looked like he was always pondering the esoteric. He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from the campus was a church full of well-dressed, middle-class people. They wanted to develop a ministry to the college students, but they were not sure how to go about it.

One day, Bill decided to worship there. He walked into the church, complete with his wild hair, T-shirt, blue jeans and bare feet. The church was completely packed, and the service had already begun. Bill started down the aisle to find a place to sit. By now, the people were looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one said anything.

As Bill moved closer and closer to the pulpit, he realized there were no empty seats. So he squatted and sat down on the carpet right up front. (Although such behavior would have been perfectly acceptable at the college fellowship, this was a scenario this particular congregation had never witnessed before!) By now, the people seemed uptight, and the tension in the air was thickening.

Right about the time Bill took his “seat,” a deacon began slowly making his way down the aisle from the back of the sanctuary. The deacon was in his eighties, had silver gray hair, a three-piece suit and a pocket watch. He was a godly man: very elegant, dignified and courtly. He walked with a cane and, as he neared the boy, church members thought, “You can’t blame him for what he’s going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and background to understand some college kid on the floor”?

It took a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church was utterly silent except for the clicking of his cane. You couldn’t even hear anyone breathing. All eyes were on the deacon.

But then they saw the elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he sat down on the floor next to Bill and worshipped with him. Everyone in the congregation choked up with emotion. When the minister gained control, he told the people, “What I am about to preach, you will never remember. What you’ve just seen, you will never forget.”

--Rebecca Manley Pippert

Moral : Your conduct says more of your religion than a thousand sermons or prayer. Claims that you practice a religion of peace while you are basically intolerant of opinions and regularly violent puts a lie to your profession of faith. Likewise, claims that you serve a holy God and you steal/cheat is a mark of self deceit.

The Perfect Dress

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Be cool, Bolarges, be cool. I think your real fear is the loss of all the good things you've been getting from your wife which
could suddenly 'poof' if she leaves you. Should you succeed in getting her to stay, I believe you would continue with the
flirty behavior - but in a more discreet manner. THIS IS NOT YOUR FIRST TIME, REMEMBER?
Solution: Don't stress (not the end of the world) - just be of good behaviour, yeah,SHOW IT - and try to remove your brains
from between your legs and keep it where it should be, YOUR HEAD. I don't believe she is going anywhere, this is just a warning
strike. When you she has calmed down and changed (yes, changed) her mind, PLEASE try to make your brains remain at the
correct place.

If she is adamant (unlikely event), then be grateful to God for great mercies - for keeping you alive, giving you the privilege of
a great relationship with a great lady, opening your eyes to receiving a great (albeit, bitter) lesson for the future. Then focus on being a 'born again'
man - You can't be stupid twice - and march ahead. Sorrows are not forever!

Be cool, AND KEEP THEM BRAINS OUT FROM BETWEEN THEM LEGS!!

High-Tech

Working in the Emergency Room here in our small rural community, we don't get many calls, but they do tend to be memorable.

One summer, a two-year-old boy was brought in with a cherry pit stuffed up his nostril. His mother said he was unable to blow it out and that when she tried using tweezers, it had only moved farther up into her son's nose.

I realized that the emergency equipment we had on hand was not suitable for the comfortable removal of the object from such a small patient, but I'd been taught early on in medical school that a paper clip bent to just the right angle and then curved slightly, could often be looped behind an object to help extract it.

Finding a large clip, I bent it accordingly and managed to extract the cherry pit successfully.

The little boy's mother looked at me and smiled. "That's why we came to the hospital," she explained, "So we could have access to all the modern, high-tech equipment."

Who Did It?

An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff"?

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff"?

And again, nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish."

So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff"?

The littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff. "

The old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish"?

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down."

;DVery funny, and thought provoking!!!

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket, because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window"?

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm not used to "live" passengers. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Can the English language survive after Bush?


"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
? one word is ' to be prepared '. "
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future."
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow. "? George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
- George W. Bush

" I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe. "
- George W. Bush

" Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls. "? - George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children. "
- George W. Bush

" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
- George W. Bush

" It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush


God help America . & the world

The New Face

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body, because he was too skinny. His wife's tissue type was a match, so she offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you"?

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So, when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me"?

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say"?

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."