Feelgood's Posts
Nairaland Forum › Feelgood's Profile › Feelgood's Posts
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 (of 51 pages)
Act 2 scene 2 now over. Now we are about to enter Act 3 scene1. The comedy that is Ekiti State continues. Now get back to your seats, get your pop corn at your side, because the projector is about to rolll, ladies and gentlemen, pls check that your hankies are at the ready. Be cool ya all, be cool |
Act 2 scene 2 now over. Now we are about to enter Act 3 scene1. The comedy that is Ekiti State continues. Now get back to your seats now, get your pop corn at your side, because the projector is about to rolll, ladies and gentlemen, pls check that your hankies are at the ready. Be cool ya all, be cool |
When you folks discuss politics, don't bring in Religion - especially to justify the wealth of a supposedly 'man of God'. By the way, rhamz, an ass was not the best form of transportation in Jesus' time. Horses were available as were Camels (also called dromedaries). Asses at that time were (and today still are) regarded as beasts of burden and used for transportation by the very poor. The rich then and now NEVER used asses for transportation. Now to the issue: Chris Okotie for President? Just a laugh - yes, my opinion. But he is very popular. Says who? Ordinary crusade, he cannot hold. Which crowd can he muster to vote for him? Please the Presidency is a serious institution and not mean't for razzle dazzle folks. Be cool |
Parking Confusion After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction and since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there"? look. His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space. "You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'" |
@Drusilla I don't seem to understand your post. Are you saying that purgatory is real? If it is, then perhaps people have a good load of excuse to continue in sin since there is every likelihood that in the end they will make heaven- what matters is that your sins are not 'very serious'. But then what is the yardstick of measuring heinous and 'lesser' sins? James 2: 10 - 12 is particularly revealing. Does God judge by the standards of man? If that is so, then we will need to re-visit the judgement on Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1 - 11) when you contrast the same to the mercy on Manasseh (2Chronicles 33) - I speak as one without understanding. However , a careful study of Romans 9 is illuminating. I reiterate, the doctrine of purgatory has no scriptural basis. The passages you quoted do not support purgatory. @debosky Romans 2:12 - 16 gives a clear indication of how those who did not have the privilege of hearing the gospel will be judged. What happens when we die and leave the earth? There are different postulations by varied people using varied sources to back themselves up. But there cannot be different truths about one issue. Only one is genuine. I stand on the BIBLE TRUTH - WHEN WE DIE AND LEAVE THE EARTH, WE OPEN OUR EYES IN HEAVEN OR HELL.( Where exactly has already been tackled earlier). Why am I so sure? That will take another thread. This thread is on purgatory and I do feel uncomfortable digressing. Be cool. |
Amorc is not a cult, yeah. That's true. Just as Atiku is an honest and largely misunderstood person and Obj a virgin. Have you heard? Ogboni is a gathering of scientists researching on how to make the world a better place. Anyone got any cute questions out there? Be cool ya all, be cool |
Purgatory is a temporary place (the Catholics would have us believe), where those who die in their sins are put to suffer temporary punishment before they are permitted to enter heaven - especially when members have been praying to God to have mercy on the hapless soul. Does it exist? No, if we go by the bible standard. There are EITHER of 2 places one goes after death: HEAVEN OR HELL! When one dies a sinner, no amount of prayers by any one (saint or priest) will make God change the location of such from hell to heaven - Luke 16:19 - 31 But then, it is possible for a sinner to change his/her destination while he is yet alive - because, really that decision is his and his alone to make. How? Simple. Just 5 easy steps: 1. Recognise you are a sinner in dire need of a savior. Romans 3:23; 6: 23 2. Confess your sins to GOD. 1John1:9 3. Repent (ie turn away) from those sins and ask GOD to help you through HIS grace to keep away from the same. Acts 3:19 4. Believe that GOD loves you - HE actually does - that's why JESUS had to die on the cross. Romans 5:8 5. Invite JESUS into your life through the prayer of faith. Revelations 3:20 Okay, maybe then one can take that decision when one is old and ready to die. Perhaps. But who knows WHEN (s)he will die? Should one die before he takes that decision, won't God understand? Nope, HE won't. What then? It's one's choice. Always been. Free world. I suggest now - since NOBODY knows what will happen the next minute. I believe that is smarter. I trust you would agree. I hope I've answered your question ![]() Be cool. |
The Ekiti crisis is not really over folks - the events are just beginning to unfold. So quit gloating now, because Fayose will very likely be riding back in a triumphant procession to the State. For now the comedy that is Ekiti is on and will soon end - and leave a lingering sour after taste. What we are seeing now is, in the words of the old time magician, 'american wonder'. When the show is over, and the 'magicians' behind this 'comedy of errors' go, then the scales will be removed from our eyes for us to see that we have been had yet again. I am not fooled one bit. Yesterday was act 2 scene 1. Scene 2 is about to begin, pls hold your breath. I will be back when the curtain finally closes on the play. Be cool y'all, be cool!! |
Growing Old Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"? Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!" |
The Birdies On July 22nd, I was in route to Washington , DC for a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for Mr. Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane and I heard a gentleman asking every male if he were Mr. Glenn. At this point, I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk. When I got off the plane, a solemn faced young man came toward me and said, "Mr. Glenn, there is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital." My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over. Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I learned that my three-year-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and that when my wife had found him, he was dead. CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a doctor, and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital. By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live, but they did not know how much damage had been done to his brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the door had completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed. After speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness. The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at the hospital six hours after the garage door had come down. When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere. He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile. It all seemed like a terrible dream. I was filled in with the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his heart was okay. Two miracles in and of themselves. But only time would tell if his brain received any damage. Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the next day, Brian remained unconscious. It seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day before. Finally, at two o'clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said, "Daddy hold me" and he reached for me with his little arms. By the next day, he was pronounced as having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot imagine. We took Brian home and we felt a unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush death so closely. In the days that followed, there was a special spirit about our home. Our two older children were much closer to their little brother. My wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very close as a whole family. Life took on a less stressful pace. Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly profound. Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, "Sit down Mommy. I have something to tell you." At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small phrases, so to say a large sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed, and he began his sacred and remarkable story. "Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn't hear me. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the birdies came." "The birdies"? my wife asked puzzled. "Yes," he replied. "The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the garage. They took care of me." "They did"? "Yes," he said. "One of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you I got stuck under the door." A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet lighter than air. My wife realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from beyond as "birdies," because they were up in the air like birds that fly. "What did the birdies look like"? she asked. Brian answered, "They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white, all white. Some of them had green and white. But some of them had on just white." "Did they say anything"? "Yes," he answered. "They told me the baby would be all right." "The baby"? my wife asked confused. Brian answered. "The baby laying on the garage floor." He went on, "You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave." My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt beside Brian's body and seeing his crushed chest whispered, "Don't leave us Brian, please stay if you can." As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left His body and was looking down from above on this little lifeless form. "Then what happened"? she asked. "We went on a trip," he said. "Far, far away." He grew agitated trying to say the things he didn't seem to have the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know it would be okay. He struggled with wanting to tell something that obviously was very important to him, but finding the words was difficult. "We flew so fast up in the air. They're so pretty, Mommy," he added. "And there are lots and lots of birdies." My wife was stunned. Into her mind, the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known. Brian went on to tell her that the "birdies" had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the "birdies." He said they brought him back to the house and that a big fire truck and an ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white bed and he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay. The story went on for an hour. He taught us that "birdies" were always with us, but we don't see them because we look with our eyes and we don't hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there, you can only see them in here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to help us to do what is right, because they love us so much. Brian continued, stating, "I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and keep our promises. The birdies help us to do that, because they love us so much." In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part of it, again and again. Always the story remained the same. The details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added further bits of information and clarified the message he had already delivered. It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such detail and speak beyond his ability when he talked about his birdies. Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the "birdies." Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled. Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be. --Unknown |
Parachuting On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet." One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"? "A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"? Dining Problem Everyone had weighed in and our diet workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic: "The Problems of Dining Out." She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally, she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat"? Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!" |
Emergency Flowers I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses"? "What happened"? I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary"? "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!" Our Children A property manager of single family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed"? he asked. "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children"? "Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. "Animals"? "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved." |
Transcorp and OBJ Is Transcorp really Baba Obj's own? Or are people just trying to mess him up because EFCC exposed Atiku instead of respecting the Vice President? Or is it just BAD BELLE? I've read so much on this - but people seem to going round in circles. Which one is the truth? |
The Nebraska Farmer A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. "Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked. No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"? "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"? "He went with Ma and Pa." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard." |
Interesting posts y'all, quite interesting and amusing. Opinions, arguments, 'scientific' postulations, etc don't (and won't) change the fact about God and His attributes, plus commands. @MIZIEYA I am aware of some folks that do it with their cattle, perhaps it is inherent and God made them that way. Someday, maybe there shall arise a defender of their 'natural' practices, and possibly with some 'scientific' quotes to buttress the same. But then, ol' chap(dunno if you are gay), just wondering how you would have arisen, a defender of the 'faith' if your poppa 'n' momma were natural jellybeans. Pls let's quit this yaketty-yak and stop assaulting peoples' senses with inanities just because you have a lot of 'serious materials' on different subjects. Perhaps I should mention as an aside, that Lobsang Rampa's writings and books are believed and religiously collected/read by a lot of folks - but that still doesn't make those postulations/writings true( INDEED THEY WERE FAKE). To ya all, HOMOSEXUALITY is evil, as is adultery, stealing, murder etc. Threads on homosexuality are not worth raising your adrenalin over - just pity the folks. The strong words they use in defence are cover ups to show 'things are alright'. Yes, God truly made them Adam and Eve (Adam and Steve is an aberration) Be cool all ye true born, Be cool!! |
I have a problem with my internet explorer 7 in my laptop - I cannnot go on the net with it. How can I delete it and still go on the net? Any suggestions out there please? |
Thanks Milla, just noticed too especially with another thread titled: stupid questions, stupid answers Gotta go back to the archives |
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE : I is, TEACHER: No, Millie, Always say, "I am." MILLIE : All right, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you Know why his father didn't punish him?" LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog! __________________________________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. |
Lesson Learned A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy, because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. The deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "Why"? Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference"? Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down"? |
Mustard As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin, so I licked it off. Needless to say, it was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard poupou!" Some name for baby shit!! |
Okotie as Presido, Na grammar we go chop? Seun said it all - we don't need inexperience for such a top job. Neither do we need 'isms', 'gbam', 'gbim' to assault our ears when explaining simple economic policy. Simply, Chris is just among the myriads of jokers aspiring for the job. Despite his F.R.E.S.H adverts, I don't give him a second thought. I suppose he doesn't know what to do again - musician, lawyer, pastor, ??Naija politics, out of this world. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!! |
I LOVE YA ALL FOR THESE COMMENTS, BUT YOU'VE ALL FORGOTTEN JUST ONE: TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!! ![]() |
Regular adverts blind the eyes and cover the truth. My brethren, do not be deceived; Local government workers are being owed over 12 months salaries, money mean't for the local govts is being controlled by the State Governor. The money spent on adverts (CNN, etc) could be properly channeled to real benefits for the people. How come he is the one blowing his own trumpet and getting some big folks to 'endorse' the facelifts mean't for his propaganda. EFCC is not deceived. I am not. Don't be. - TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!! |
Computer Trouble, Again Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one. --- Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good. I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet! It's still on my desk. Sorry. --- Tech support: Click on the My Computer icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? --- Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello. I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on Start for me and, Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates! --- Customer: Hi, good afternoon. This is Martha and I can't print. Every time I try, it says "Can't Find Printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it. --- Customer: I have problems printing in red. Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah! Thank you. --- Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at 7-11. --- Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: Okay. Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes. Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah, that one does work. --- Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? --- Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. --- Tech support: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer. --- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. --- Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: Okay and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? --- A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech Support: Are you running it under Windows? Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine. --- Tech support: Okay, Bob, let's press the Control and Escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager. Customer: I don't have a "P." Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P," on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'm not going to do that! |
Taxes A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he must have overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile. "We don't send first notices anymore. Everybody ignored them. Second notices are much more effective." |
Apparently you all are not living in Nigeria. I am and I definitely will not vote for IBB The Naira became terribly devalued by him, arresting the slide has been difficult until recent times He 'legalised' corruption and through him, the 'settlement' culture became the norm He introduced SAP - we went against it; got us (ie the Nation) to discuss it with a promise to listen and make adjustments as necessary. Deceived the populacer and went ahead to implement the policy - that was even structurally different from the IMF initial recommendation. The effect is still lingering today. The unconstitutional office of the first lady was introduced by him where Maryam had public money to play with That he had already made his money and wouldn't be interested in stealing Govt money but to make a name is a laugh. Brothers, you can jolly well go ahead and give a pig a bath - it amounts to nothing to me. Always goes back to the dirt. @simpledee who told you IBB used his influence to get OBJ to power, who feeds you guys with all this muck? Even IBB never made such claims. IBB is not being disliked because he was a military dictator - Buhari also was, but much more honest and sincere about what he wanted for Nigeria. Point is, there is corruption all over the world, but ours has been insttitutionalised and endemic. We need a bit of fresh air. OBJ, Atiku, IBB and all their cronies by whatever shade should give us a breather. Let the younger ones take over - their (IBB's)generation has wasted Nigeria. THEY ALL SHOULD JOIN GOWON IN HIS PET PROJECT, NIGERIA PRAYS. HAH! Aside: even on this thread, you can see IBB causing innocent brothers to abuse themselves, this IBB- PROPER BAD LUCK!! ![]() |
Have the Winner In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a nightlight into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out. I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it. "That'll look great in your home," I said. "Oh," she replied. "It's not for me. My bridge club is having a charity sale and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!" |
Goin' to the Movies I wanted to take my kids to the movies, but did not want to wait in line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone. I asked, "How much is a ticket"? They said, "Seven dollars." I asked, "How much for children"? They said, "Same price. Seven dollars." I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children." They said, "Okay, put your kids on a plane to somewhere and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way anyway." |
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye, It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought, Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real, Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive, On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell, The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" , He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.", "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented, The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door", He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door, This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway", He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup, He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him, As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
A tale of two mechanics Motor mechanics have come a long way since that day in 1956 when the engine of my car stopped involuntarily as I was driving along the then brand new Lagos to Ikorodu road. I was on my way to Ibadan. It is now decades since I last passed that way, so I know nothing about its present rate of flow of traffic. At the time I am writing about, traffic was thin - so much so that some crocodiles that had taken up residence in the rain-filled ditches in the area felt it safe to stroll across the road, giving lonely motorists heart attack. On that particular day, I had just driven across the Majidun River, using a four-metre wide steel bridge that at that time was regarded as a marvel of civil engineering, when my car developed engine trouble and stopped. If ever there was a middle of nowhere, that was it. Worse still, it was not the best day for that sort of thing to happen to anyone. A downpour that had arrived as a squall was now lingering on as a steady beat of rain, spreading misery all around. As a twenty-four year old journalist who knew absolutely nothing about fixing motor cars, the only thing I could do was to get out and walk back a hundred metres, to confirm whether the lonely man I had seen sitting under a makeshift shelter was, as I hoped, a roadside mechanic. Even if he wasn’t, perhaps I could persuade him to push the car while I tried to get it started. He was indeed a mechanic, somewhere between fifty and sixty years old. Better still he was willing to step out in the rain and take a look at the car. “Raise the bonnet,” he instructed at the scene of the trouble. When the bonnet was raised, he peered at the engine for a long while, and then said: “Try to start it.” After I had tried again and again without getting anywhere, the mechanic took a step back and gave the rear bumper an experimental kick. “Now try again,” he instructed, and at the first pressure of my thumb on the starter button, the engine roared into life. That was the day I understood the meaning of the expression “to kick-start”. On numerous other occasions since then I have, in my frustration, tried - and failed - to get a car started by giving it a good kick. It must be that there is something wrong with my technique. Incidentally, when I offered that prince among mechanics a ten shilling note for his services, he waved it aside and ambled off to his shelter, while I continued on my journey to Ibadan. Things were rather different for one of my friends when he had a problem with his car the other day. He was coming from the direction of Apapa, and was negotiating that curve at Mile 2, to link up with traffic heading towards Badagry, when his clutch failed. It was raining at the time, so he coasted to the shoulder, parked, and waited. After what seemed like ages the rain subsided but did not stop, so he got out, unfurled his umbrella, and went looking for a mechanic. A mechanic found him first. You could tell that he was a mechanic by the grease stains on his blue overall. “Something wrong with the car?” the mechanic asked. “Yes,” my friend replied. “The clutch suddenly went soft on me.” “Okay, let’s push the car to a shelter.” “Which shelter?” my friend said, looking around him “That one over there, under the flyover.” The flyover in question was a good two hundred metres away, and the three-dimensional traffic at Mile 2 was at its chaotic worst. “The two of us can’t push the car that far in this traffic,” my friend said. “Okay,” the mechanic said. “Lend me your umbrella. I will go and find some people to help us push it. It will cost you two hundred naira.” That was how my friend began to part with his money. When the mechanic got the car to the shelter under the flyover, he made a show of looking into the engine compartment, and then said: “You will need a new lower clutch kit.” “How much will that cost??” “One thousand four hundred for the kit, plus sixty naira for okada.” My friend parted with some more money. It took the mechanic about thirty minutes to return with the clutch kit. Meanwhile those other denizens of Mile 2 — the hawkers of “pure water”, “kill-and dry”, “fine bread”, and hand held electronic calculators — had also taken shelter under the flyover, and were now staring at my friend, concentrating their attention (or so he thought) on the pocket from which he had taken the money to pay for the clutch kit. To cut a long story short, after spending five minutes under the car, the mechanic resurfaced to announce that the problem was more serious than he had thought. “It’s the clutch plate,” he said. “I’ll have to take down the gearbox to be able to reach it.” “Here?” my friend asked, horrified. It was almost six o’clock, and he had been under the flyover since three o’clock. “There is nothing else I can do,” the mechanic said with a shrug of his shoulders. “Yes, there is. You can look for a breakdown van to tow me home.” “You mean you don’t want to repair the clutch anymore?” “No!” “Okay, give me one hundred naira for okada. And lend me your umbrella. I will go and bring a breakdown van.” He took the money and the umbrella, and my friend never saw him again. -- Culled from a Vanguard columnist( Aig Imouekhede) |
According to the report, published in at least one newspaper, a man was arrested and charged with breaking one of the laws of the land by stealing his neighbour’s goat and converting same into goat meat stew. The exhibit on which the police relied to get a conviction was an earthenware pot that contained some stew made from the erstwhile goat. The magistrate took the plea (“not guilty” this time) and adjourned the case for two weeks. The police took the accused and the soup pot back into custody. Two weeks later, the case was resumed, with everyone (and everything) present in court except the contents of the soup pot. “What happened to the exhibit?” the magistrate asked. The prosecuting police sergeant launched into an explanation about how, faced with the problem of keeping the soup from “becoming sour” during the two weeks that the case was adjourned, the constables at the police station had been warming the stew twice a day, as required by good culinary practice. “As a result of all this heating” the sergeant concluded, “the stew dried up.” The magistrate dismissed the case against the accused for want of evidence, and that was why I believed the story. |
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? A contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million dollar question was no pushover. It read, "Which of the following species of bird does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds"? Is it: A.) the condor B.) the buzzard C.) the cuckoo or D.) the vulture The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She was double on the spot, because she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her audience poll lifeline. All that remained was her phone a friend lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But, the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly, "That's easy. The answer is C, the cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And, considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C, the cuckoo." "Is that your final answer"? asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer." Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire! " Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer"? "Oh, come on!" said the blonde. Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!" Blondes, |
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 (of 51 pages)

??
