₦airaland Forum

Room 302

A woman called a local hospital.

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number"?

"Sarah Finkel, room 302.

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You"?

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she will to be taken off the heart monitors in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic. That's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"

New Number

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours"?

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

They'll Find Us

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet"?

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet"?

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month"? he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me"?

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident', I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait until you see the last one)





DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT




THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES LET'S RECOUNT


MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS NO MORE Z'S


A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA :
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Big Red Lobsters

A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct"?

"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."

"Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he repeated, astounded.

"Yes," she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster, "

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it.

She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry," says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that"? asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The new Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So, off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I teach.

"Don'ts" include a man reaching into his pants pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting.

To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need a man with coins in his pocket."

What I got instead was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First, what two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second, how many seconds are there in a year?

Third, what is God's first name"?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one, which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one"? asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year"?

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind. But I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied. "Its Andy."

"Andy"? exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Okay, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God"?

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said, "Run Forrest, run."

Question: Ms Nigeria, how can you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Nigeria: Well I can say that male organs in Nigeria are like Rabbits.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Nigeria: One hole is never enough!

Haircut

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut"?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut"?

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut"?

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves"?

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

RECENT MISS UNIVERSE INTERVIEW

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman,
(Applause! Applause!)


Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening,
(Applause! Applause!)


Question: Ms Saudi Arabia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Saudi: Well, I can say that male organs in Saudi are like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Saudi: Because they like to enter through the back door,
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)


Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like laborers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night,
(Applause! Applause! Applause!


Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft,
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )


Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over.
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)


Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth,
(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)


DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT Ms NIGERIA HAD TO SAY ABOUT THE MALE ORGAN IN HER OWN COUNTRY?

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do"?

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

---

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark"?

"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms"?

---

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is"?

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

---

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Cooking Breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOSH! Where are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs"?

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Johnny and Eddy(twins) were up to their pranks again. While Eddy got the attention of the akara(bean cake) seller, Johhny was stealing some akara - but luck ran out because the seller turned around, saw Johnny who dropped the akara and bolted away. Eddy wasn't that lucky, she caught hold of him. Where is your brother Eddy? asked the dad who saw a panting Johnny. Little Johnny had no option but to spill the beans. Irritated and sad, daddy left to see the local 'alakara' and beg for the release of Eddy.

Insisted alakara in the local(yoruba) dialect: ' ti o bamu johnny wa, mo ni f'eddy le

Mommy Test

I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why"? my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff"?

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All Moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Daddy"?

"Exactly!" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Grandkids: Ya Gotta Love 'Em!

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that"?

---

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

---

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another,"he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

---

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted, "Mark! "What caused the submarine to sink"? With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

---

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

The Postcard

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you, but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man.

Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you"?

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'P.S.: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting'"?

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I?m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent e to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.





Employer's response:,

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
You're hired.

Stubborn Traveler

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First class isn't going to Houston."

A Woman's Work

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside, he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today"?

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today"?

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Need a Pen?

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill.

She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen"? I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

How Do I Get Into Heaven?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"?

"No!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven"?

Again, the answer was, "No!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven"? I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "No!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven"?

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

I was at a very rich friend's house, the maid
approached me and,

Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice,
soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or
coffee?

Answer: Tea please.

Question: ceylon tea, indian tea, herbal tea, bush
tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?

Answer: ceylon tea please

Question: how would you like it, black or white?

Answer: white

Question: milk or fresh cream?

Answer: with milk

Question: goat's milk or cow's milk?

Answer; with cow's milk please

Question: freezeland cow or afrikaner cow?

Answer: umm, think I'll just take it black

Question: would you like it with sweetner, sugar or
honey?

Answer: with sugar

Question: beet sugar or cane sugar?

Answer: cane sugar

Question: white, brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: forget about the tea, just give me a glass of
water instead

Question: mineral water, tap water or distilled water?

Answer: mineral water

Question: flavoured or non-flavoured?

Answer: I think I'll just die of thirst.


"The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you
are, but on how
happy others can be because of you."

Young Marriage

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely"?

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation"? the father asked.

"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years and years, they lived there and one day, they found a magic lamp.

They rub and rub and sure enough, out comes a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only give out three wishes, you may each have one."

So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was home."

Poof! She was gone.

The redhead makes her wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my family also."

Poof, she was gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter"?

The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here."

was wondering If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? ha ha ha hehe, Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Oops, Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why is it called building when it is already built? If a book about failures sells, is it a success? If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick."

So they got that and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing"?

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet!"