ify and cc i get what u are saying.

think about this. who says while i am busy being a nervous wreck in his house, he cant walk into the house with another woman or what law is stopping him in our Nigeria.

the simple point i am trying to make him realise is this: he should look beyond his ego and self and lets work things out as a couple rather than bringing people to bully me and think my self esteem will be destroyed by his negative remarks. NO. life is a risk ,i think i have to stand for something.

I dont have to work for anybody, with my qualification i could start my own firm,i have a licence to practice and employ others. create a flexible work schedule for myself. for heavens sake, he wont just listen to anytin.

he should keep thinking,right now i want to feel like a normal person not a soldier on the war front. afterall i have been thru so much stress, let me pamper myself a little if he would not do it. Even divorce takes a bit of time, its possible our adrenaline has cooled off before then.

@bb i think the least thing i should worry about is if he wants a second wife. just like dayokanu said sometime ago, selfpreservation is the most important thing in life. i really want to get myself back. too much negativity around.

since he has chosen to be a big baby,and hence cant make decisions i will make my own decisions. i think i gave shown enough maturity by refraining to involve my folks and i am still willing to show more restraint for as long as the separation lasts to give him time to think maturedly for once.

the ball is in court,whatever he  chooses to do, goodluck to both of us.

@ify,

yea quite long. i actually wanted to get an insight to his real and inner thots. thru his reaction i am seriously beginning to think that he has a serious insecurity problem. behind all those ego and control nature, lies a deep fear. or how can i explain his reaction. after letting him know my decision and the modalities about our kids, where i intend to stay. he says its ok and leaves the house and sends this text message: 'my thought was that i could trust u will never leave me, i never knew ur love was so conditional, you have made me feel so empty,thanks for everything'

does my wanting to work or showing distaste for his abusive nature show conditional love? i dont know what to make of it. does he think trying to instill fear in me thru his spiritual bigots is going to keep me with him?

whichever way, i have made up my mind to stay away for now for at least 2 weeks, i really need to relieve stress of my brain. he can think on what he really wants

appreciate all for ur suggestions.

i have told him i want a trial separation for 6 months. i really need to get myself and my thinking together before i make any further decision.

So we are back to the very first question on page one of this thread; Why is your husband so against you having a job?

Even if they are not solid enough reasons at least you know what has prompted this behaviour and it will give you a chance to make an informed descision on what to do next regards the relationship.

i wish i had answers right now. from his utterances i think he feels my commitment in finding a job means i am trying to upturn his position as the sole decision maker in the house. he thinks he has a right to tell me not to work with no reasonable reason and i should accept with a smile on my face and not begrugde him about it.

i have thot hard and deep and with all honesty he is not one of the guys on planet earth i would give up her career for cos with every one naira given comes an equal dose of abuses of how ungrateful i am the minute i say anything about working.

hi everyone cc,dayokanu,jenny,mutter all pls i really need your quick help on this one. I think i have been deceiving myself all this while.

my husband has dropped the bombshell, he said i should choose between marrying him or not working or leaving the marriage. every part of me wants to leave this minute. Am i making a mistake? is pursuing my career worth it ? but this guy is too verbally abusive.

his complaint? i have drained my self in looking for a job and putting my job search above him. what can i do after such bitter experience.

he has asked for a reply and i told him i will think about it. he got mad saying i have to think about it again meaning i cant stay with him thru thick and thin. help me oh before i go crazy. imagine summoning the meeting between him, my self and him mum. i felt like my world has crumbled.

i know its not my parents business but i can swear on my life that my dad will rather die than to hear that he has told me not to work. God help me i should not have gone to school oh maybe i wont feel like a looser right now. which kain wahala i put myself

@outsrip my dear your thots as good as mine. after all i have been thru i dont need a preacher to tell me to get a job as soon as i can.

@obowunmi i really dont think its a mental issue rather it is a situation when a person defines himself by his job or work rather than his intrinsic values. that way once that job is lost he feels worthless and thinks he does not have an identity anymore.

all in all i know God who knew i have never wished him bad answered my prayers at a point when i thot i could not carry on again. Funnily i feel happier his new job is outside our present location. i have all time in my hands to look for a job ,take care of my self and my kids. i really dont know if its right to feel that way but i cant help but admit to my self i feel sssssooooooooooooooooooooo relieved right now.

At least before he starts facing inevitable challenges on his new job and then attaching it to withcraft i would have sorted my self out pretty well.

hi nairalanders thank u so much
@cc ur suggestion turned out to be the magic wand. i eventually agreed but stated those conditions. he strangely agreed. As fate will have it, he has gotten a new job . When he told me about the new job, i just simply said ok and walked off. he asked why and i calmly replied, hope i am not a witch anymore and that was it.

He broke down,and to think that the main reason why he resisted badly about me getting a job of recent was because he felt i have not really forgiven him about the incident and he thot i would leave him once i am financially ok.

i am glad at least he is working again, and i have my freedom to get a job after promising not to leave him or see my job as a 'second husband' and vice versa. patience, communication and genuine forgiveness really works in marriage. i guess.

Thank you all i feel so much better now. regards cc,mutter,uju,dayo,genius,ify and all others, thank u.

@delta thank u i appreciate your two cents.
@cc i think i see where u and mutter are coming from. will try to get past the emotional stage and what can be salvaged.

of course u v foriven him for the physical abuse, cos that's not the reason for this thread. i think it's 'cos of the no work issue and perhaps going thru deliverance from spiritual husband. hmmm, has he been able to keep to his word, as in not having any sexual relations with u? or did u go thru with it (the deliverance)?

yes he has kept his word, i have not agreed to any deliverance from their assumed spiritual husband. my thinking is that if i agree to it wont he feel right about accusing me wrongly in the first place. i have tried to agree to all his demands but this one i think is going too far or rather spiritual. i may be wrong even if i agree, will he really really think its over if assuming he doesnt get a job in the next one month.

@chaircover
thank u so much but i have not decided on anything. if i have decided i wont be on this forum, i would have been long gone. i am only thinking aloud, no man is an island, sometimes one really needs a broader view of issues.

@genius one. thanks. maybe i would have felt better about my daughter if he didnt physically abuse me at all. love is forgiving right?

@bettle i believe why people court is to get to know themselves better. during courtship i told him in every language possible i would like to continue with my career. he agreed so why change and call me an ingrate cos he believes i should be happy and contented with all he gives me materially. if i knew he would not allow me with my career, i tell u i wouldnt have married him. yes, a lot of women out there will be happy to find a man that takes care of them without having to carry a feet. unfortunately, i dont fall into such category.

a step further, lets assume i have forgiven him for the physical abuse and if i agree not to work, i should then fold my arms and wait for the day one of his prophets will tell him to chase me out of the house for allegedly causing his job loss ,just asking?

show more love to someone who told him mum, not me, that until i accept to do a deliverance from the spiritual husband, he is not going to have any sexual relations with me anymore, cos he doesn't want an assumed spiritual husband to kill him or stop his progress. the mum came to me appealing that i should do whatever he says for peace to reign. after 5 years of nothing of that nature. maybe if outsiders forsook me ,it will feel a lot more better, just thinking aloud

Solution. Sit down and ask yourself, whats more important to you.

Write down all you want from the marriage including cessation of physical and verbal attacks and your desire to get a job.

Let him come up with what he wants from you and Try to see if there is a midpoint where two of you can agree on? If you cant agree on some key issues then I would tell you to move out.

If you didnt do this before you got married now you can do it. You seem like you fear your husband more than you love him

thank u so much all. dayokanu i will keep this in mind in whatever decision i eventually make. thank u.

stillwater, i have people i can talk to but the danger there is when there is an emotional attachment between people, sides tend to be taken thats why i came to a neutral forum.

my dad and mum are have always and are still there for me but there is a limit they can withstand all these things i have gone thru. my dad will simply tell me to move ahead.
my husband is the one that takes care of his mum and other family. the best they can do is appeal to me to endure,things will be ok. telling him the truth is out of the way.

though its one side of the story, i stand more to gain if things are said as they really are. i gain nothing by posting lies.

@mutter
i would really appreciate if u give me an experienced view on the emotions and situations you passed thru when u left ur ex. do u really think u could have worked it out if u were a little bit more enduring. thank u.

I have also asked the question severally why the man doesnt want her to work as all this trouble seems to have stemmed from here and I beleive that if you get to the bottom of that a lot of other things will fall into place.

hi chaircover, if i could answer that question correctly maybe things would have been easier, but my best try will be his innate ability to want to be in control at all times and the same time trying to play the nice guy. i will give u two instances.

One - was at home, he got back from work and said he has seen a place he thinks i would like, i was happy,prepared wrote the test, did an interview, was given a place. with all delight, i prepared to go for training, only for him to say no. i asked why and he said the pay is not worth it. but the time is less tedious and no weekend jobs. if u knew u wouldnt let me take it, why did u inform me. he replied, i did not think about it properly.
my dear i cried my eyes out. only for him to ask me why i am crying that with that job, i would not be able to buy the car i was driving for 5 years.

Two- went out of town for a course, on the morning i was about to start, he called and asked for his car keys, i told him where i kept it because the kids may take it where he put it. he went haywire accusing me of deliberating hiding them so he does not go out to meet his customers while i am away. i asked why would i do that, and a torrent of abuse followed. i tell u if not for the driver that asked me to take it easy, i was so distraught i wanted to forget the course and go back home.

my dear if u think he called me and said ,dear i dont want u to work for so so reason,u are wrong. on a no of occasions,his own younger brother will call me and say i should not deceive myself about looking for a job cos every cv i give him lands in the boot of his car.

u see what i mean by betrayal of trust.

House, BEWARE. There is a particular guy that called himself 'Mr. Williams' of snecou group of company who claims to be a dealer in Recharge cards business. He has duped me of the sum of #19,000(the supposed money for the software he said and one block of MTN). I actually thought we could trust ourselves on dis forum, dat was why I decided to partner with him. He sent one fake software dat never opened. Ever since that time(two weeks ago now), he has not been picking his calls. To confirm just call his number, 08134810969. (he will not pick it). So house just BEWARE O and dont partner with him.
And to you 'Mr. Williams(even though that might not be your real name), provided you are reading dis message, dont think you can go away with it o cos you dont know d type of person you just duped. You will SOON be discovered

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY AND REVEAL THEM ONE BY ONE

hello are u interested in nabbing this guy. i almost made a mistake of paying money to him until i saw ur mail he is still using that no. i could play on his intelligence until we work something out. reply soon if interested.

thanks to evryone who has chipped in a word or two. i feel kind of relieved i had to share my burden with neutral people.

@sweet T
thanks ,i really need all the prayers right now.

@jenny
thanks for being realistic and truthful. marriage is really different strokes for different folks.

@mummer
i appreciate all u have said, my dear i have been thrru a lot. i have thot about and practiced ur approach but it seems people like my husband need a wakeup call once in a while. before posting this thread i have actually thot of allowing him to travel and coming back to meet his house empty with me and the kids gone.
i wanted to be sure i wasnt overreacting considering our nigerian culture/belief system about separation or divorce, which personally i feel its really limiting and sometimes unfair.thanks all the same.

Can you please tell me, what are the qualities you saw in him before marriage other than him working in a bank or being a bank manager?

if by chance u are insinuating i married him of money or position, sory u are wrong. One of the things that endeared me to him was the fact that i proved to him i was not after his money.

I was working. after about 6 months of , he had written out about 6 cheques for me to go and cash. he was going thru my wallet one day and found all of it there. he asked me why and i told him i dont have need for the money. i was working i had to wear, food to eat and i was just contented.

u meet some people and u just endeared and start talking, get flowing , feel free in their presence and i keep wondering where it all went wrong??

One has to analyse issues carefully.

Is a man that has been married for years and flips out once an abusive man or a man who just lost control on one occasion.

I also am no doctor but I find it hard to imagine that a foetus in the fourth can have a kidney damaged considering the size at that stage. Sorry but maybe a doctor can clear us up on this one.

Yes the man is abusive but is this the language the use amongst themselves. Well maybe he calls her a witch but if she calls him similar names then I guess it is not an issue.

Now maybe he does not let her work but the poster has not been specific. Maybe this was an agreement made before the marriage. I can imagine that a man may express his not wanting his wife to work because he has enough. In such cases the women sometimes diplomatically get the husband to concede to their working later.

So apart from these issues_
We have a man that is a responsible man in society, catering for his wife and kids. No mention of him being unfaithful or neglecting the marriage.
Now some women will advise she just quit.p
It is not easy to be a single mom and it is not easy to get married a second time. Always with the risk of jumping from frying pan to fire.

My advise to the poster is that you try and make this marriage work.
Women are like flowers we fade pretty fast. There is nothing as comforting as growing old with a man that loves you and appreciates you, remembers you in your youth.
A man you can walk down memory lane together remembering the ups and downs.
If you don`t think I am making sense then heed Chaircovers advice. She knows what it is about.

hello mutter u raised some important issues and i will answer you. if my husband gave me an inkling that he wont support me in my career i would have really had a rethink. why? at an age where my mates were enjoying their life as undergraduates i was busy shuffling between school and lagos trying to get myself chartered and make the best of my future. he actually promised to be supportive right in front of me, himself,my parents and his parents. so i find his change of position a betrayal of trust. pls anybody correct me if i am wrong.
concerning my baby,well know that when it was discovered in nig that something may be wrong, i travelled to the uk,it was confirmed all was not well.maybe a doctor can tell me what could have gone wrong with no medical issues between us and after having two healthy children previously.
dont even go near the issue of unfaithfulness.

if he takes care of me and my kids ,is that enough reason he should treat me unfairly cos i insist i want to work and pursue a career as a woman. i am only asking

i am beginning to think that my shock absorbers were working perfectly well until this period. thruout the period i have known him i have never used any abusive word towards him. till this moment he is still my husband,regardless of how i feel now, why should i insult him, i wouldn't do that.

Please how do you know for sure that he's responsible for your baby's deformity? I mean, was the physical assault that severe?

[color=#006600][/color]

if u want to know the answer is yes, cos a kick to my tummy ruptured one of her yet to be properly formed kidneys. how i survived it is still a mystery to me.

I just think that it is very odd that they they were even having that kind of conversation in the first instance.

What would the prophet and my husband be entertaining each other for in the first instance; and that the conversation will even be going along that route unless me and my husband were the "e je ka lo ye wo" type in the first instance.

Also if he lost his job and doesn't want her to work, how does he expect the family to survive. I would have thought that this is the time in which he will even help me to dust my pali and send me out to work.

These are the few things that I have been chewing on that is making me reluctant tell her to kick him in the balls and tell him to bleep off because this is just one side of the story.

hi let me put things right, the issue of my job is not a recent issue far way before he lost his job which is few months ago. Altough i remained calm about it hoping to get a change of heart from him but no ,after 3 years. we were on that when his job loss happened. so, he finds it convenient thru the help of some fake prophets to say that i am not happy so i caused him to loose his job. See, i did not just post to be heard , i have read so much on nairaland and i decided to come here. the experience that brought me here was when one of them told him i have a spiritual husband who is not happy that i am married to him.( after about over 5 years). personally, i dont believe that junk, so i came online to check for information on the existence or non-existence of spiritual husband and thats how i came about nairaland.

u are right its one side of the story but u can bet nothing added or subtracted. i never absolved myself of blame. but i think there are some things that are just way off the hook.

When a woman leaves her married home in such a situation, she does not move to friends but to her parents or at the worse family.
My dear poster you did something very wrong and provocation is a terrible thing that sometimes takes the better of many a decent man.
What did you expect your husband to think? Possible too that it is a friend he does not approve of. You also played a very wrong pat here.
Now I think not only your husband let`s his imagination get the better of him. You too might have that fault. Your daughters health condition, sad as it is, is probably in no way related to the beating he gave you.
Yes your husband has a right to be mad, when you drop of someone. Married women have been known to have affairs. You would have been just as mad.
I think you need to stop involving too many people in your marriage and learn how to be a woman and treat your man like a man!!!Stop taking hi for granted and give him some more respect. I think he only wants you not working because he is afraid of loosing you.
As for the abuses, learn to deal with them maturely.
Once my husband made the bad mistake of mentioning the word ashawo to me. I was so happy because he had given me a joker to crush him. That night when he approached me in bed, i told him to pay first."Ashawo no be free." I kept using that word that he came on is knees pleading for forgiveness.
So very important get your husband to trust you and start respecting him.

thank u i respect your advice. On the issue of trust, i am for certain he should search himself cos.
1. i will never for whatever reason cheat on my husband and he is so aware of it and i am proud to say i have neverdone it or thot about it cos it is just not me.
2. i have thot hard about it and think it is an insecurity problem. i dont mean to praise myself but after 3 children i often pass off as a teenager. a fact he is always referring to when he is in his good mood.

On the issue of going to a freinds place, in my earlier mail i wrote i dont want to get my family involved because they are not really happy and i dont really want to make things worse by complaining to them.

And my dear, about the baby i dont want to go to details but bet there are no medical issues between both of us and when the doctor was trying to find out what went wrong and he brushed the topic of physical abuse i had to lie to save our face.

Provocation, my dear he has provoked me far more but i learnt to keep my cool and let all things pass moreso i told him the truth where i was which is about 7 mins drive from our place. where possibly could i have gone pregnant. ok agreed i provoked him. is it ok for him to take police men to her husbands house to harrass her. I said earlier, i think i have bottled up so much and endured so much that i am beginning to release steam. probably in the wrong way.thats why i sought for help.

I am not afraid to make a decision, i just want to be sure i have exhausted my options in trying to cope and make it work.

Your hubby recognises a word like verbal abuse mine chooses not too. hence the difference.

Dont shoot me, but we have only heard one side of the story.

yes u are right. I think the biggest fault i have is right from the beginning i have been trying to look past everything without really bearing my mind and now that i am frustrated i am passing the message most likely in the wrong way and he is seeing me as a different person.
not that usually 'its always ok person' .

The reason i cant get over the incident is that the baby girl i gave birth to has to leave with a health condition that is not so palatable for life.

As for the job he never gave me an inkling during courtship that he wouldnt want be to work. we actually met when he came to market my boss then for deposits.

i cant be without faults but if only the verbal abuse could stop i could bear evry other thing.

but it surprises me more that you are looking for 'coping strategies' rather than a way out of it.
I guess you must have concluded that there is no way out and have resigned yourself to fate.

jenifa thanks i will tell you why i resolved to coping strategies. My dad is so angry that my husband has refused me to work though he is quiet about it. I bet what all my family is waiting for is for me to say i am no longer interested and puff A BREAKUP IN REALITY which honestly i have not made up my mind about.

Bear in mind, my parents have been happily married for more than 30 years but he does not believe in one staying in an unhappy marriage.

i hope u understand where i am coming from.

Some men dont deal well with their wives being too independent

thanks for your response, i have thought so hard and tried to study him to know his reasons and i have reached two conclusions

1. the uncontrolled passion to be in control

2. his jealous nature - correct me if i am wrong- is there anything wrong in dropping off a male colleague along the way on my way home. assuming it is wrong. does it warrant a statement like 'i did not buy u a car to be dropping ur male colleagues.'

when he is in his happy mood ,i try to find out why he is so touchy about me relating with the men folk he says he is only being protective. i really dont get it

hi nairalanders, i just joined this forum hoping to get some useful advice.

I have been married for 5 years with a dose of the happy, good, bad and ugly moments. I really need help on how to cope with a verbally abusive husband that i have endured all these while.

i have left the house once to go to a friends place when i got tired of his rantings only to come back and get beaten up while i was 4 months pregnant.

He apologised but i cant seem to get it off my mind. The last straw is trying to paint me as a 'witch' because he lost his job (nationwide bank layoffs) recently with the help of some false prophets who rally around him because of money. He is still very much financially ok  cos he is was a part of top management team and has good prospects of getting another job. I think he is using that as a weapon because i insisted i want to get a job.He believes because he did not allow me get a job i am using my 'imagined evil powers' to bewitch him and his job.

I am a chartered accountant and was previously working with stanbic ibtc. I had to leave when he almost suffocated me with complaints. I resigned hoping he would change his mind about his position but no after 3 years.

I have my own faults because i am not a kind of person that pretends i am happy when i am not. i have insisted that either i get a job or nothing else. i have lost all trust in him and he is smart enough to notice it. Any mention of my job it is another rain of verbal abuse but i really am past caring.i have lost all confidence in him because i find it strange that after 5 years he now thinks i am evil becuse i want a job.

truth is i am beginning to break down with his incessant abuses, control freakish attitude and always right attitude.
i have 3 children . pls advise me on coping strategies.