Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband - Family (2) - Nairaland
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| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 12:38pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
ifyalways: Lol this particular mobinga is obinna  . If e deny fninsh , him go tire  |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Busybody2(f): 12:40pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
jennykadry: See as dem flex Obinna turn am to Mobinga Anyway, I shouldn't talk, dat na how my own Bisi turn to Busy too   @ CC Tantrum ko, tantric ni, lol. No be am call am witch oh, he paid some people to do it and obviously he is waiting for his aworawos for the next step, what if they tell him he has to kill her before she kills him  His own wife, the mama of hin pikin |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Mobinga: 1:22pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
| Na wa oh. I am not Igbo. My name ain't obinna naw flex ko. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 1:43pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
^^ Akuko |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Busybody2(f): 2:09pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
Mobinga: Don't worry, your secret is safe with us aprokos and amebos and busybodies I swear we will try and contain it in this thread so it will not spread out [s]Lol @ my name is not Obinna naw Pele, you don hook [/s] |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 2:21pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
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| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by mutter(f): 3:27pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
When a woman leaves her married home in such a situation, she does not move to friends but to her parents or at the worse family. My dear poster you did something very wrong and provocation is a terrible thing that sometimes takes the better of many a decent man. What did you expect your husband to think? Possible too that it is a friend he does not approve of. You also played a very wrong pat here. Now I think not only your husband let`s his imagination get the better of him. You too might have that fault. Your daughters health condition, sad as it is, is probably in no way related to the beating he gave you. Yes your husband has a right to be mad, when you drop of someone. Married women have been known to have affairs. You would have been just as mad. I think you need to stop involving too many people in your marriage and learn how to be a woman and treat your man like a man!!!Stop taking hi for granted and give him some more respect. I think he only wants you not working because he is afraid of loosing you. As for the abuses, learn to deal with them maturely. Once my husband made the bad mistake of mentioning the word ashawo to me. I was so happy because he had given me a joker to crush him. That night when he approached me in bed, i told him to pay first."Ashawo no be free." I kept using that word that he came on is knees pleading for forgiveness. So very important get your husband to trust you and start respecting him. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by flak: 5:43pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
When a woman leaves her married home in such a situation, she does not move to friends but to her parents or at the worse family. My dear poster you did something very wrong and provocation is a terrible thing that sometimes takes the better of many a decent man. What did you expect your husband to think? Possible too that it is a friend he does not approve of. You also played a very wrong pat here. Now I think not only your husband let`s his imagination get the better of him. You too might have that fault. Your daughters health condition, sad as it is, is probably in no way related to the beating he gave you. Yes your husband has a right to be mad, when you drop of someone. Married women have been known to have affairs. You would have been just as mad. I think you need to stop involving too many people in your marriage and learn how to be a woman and treat your man like a man!!!Stop taking hi for granted and give him some more respect. I think he only wants you not working because he is afraid of loosing you. As for the abuses, learn to deal with them maturely. Once my husband made the bad mistake of mentioning the word ashawo to me. I was so happy because he had given me a joker to crush him. That night when he approached me in bed, i told him to pay first."Ashawo no be free." I kept using that word that he came on is knees pleading for forgiveness. So very important get your husband to trust you and start respecting him. thank u i respect your advice. On the issue of trust, i am for certain he should search himself cos. 1. i will never for whatever reason cheat on my husband and he is so aware of it and i am proud to say i have neverdone it or thot about it cos it is just not me. 2. i have thot hard about it and think it is an insecurity problem. i dont mean to praise myself but after 3 children i often pass off as a teenager. a fact he is always referring to when he is in his good mood. On the issue of going to a freinds place, in my earlier mail i wrote i dont want to get my family involved because they are not really happy and i dont really want to make things worse by complaining to them. And my dear, about the baby i dont want to go to details but bet there are no medical issues between both of us and when the doctor was trying to find out what went wrong and he brushed the topic of physical abuse i had to lie to save our face. Provocation, my dear he has provoked me far more but i learnt to keep my cool and let all things pass moreso i told him the truth where i was which is about 7 mins drive from our place. where possibly could i have gone pregnant. ok agreed i provoked him. is it ok for him to take police men to her husbands house to harrass her. I said earlier, i think i have bottled up so much and endured so much that i am beginning to release steam. probably in the wrong way.thats why i sought for help. I am not afraid to make a decision, i just want to be sure i have exhausted my options in trying to cope and make it work. Your hubby recognises a word like verbal abuse mine chooses not too. hence the difference. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by flak: 5:57pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
I just think that it is very odd that they they were even having that kind of conversation in the first instance. What would the prophet and my husband be entertaining each other for in the first instance; and that the conversation will even be going along that route unless me and my husband were the "e je ka lo ye wo" type in the first instance. Also if he lost his job and doesn't want her to work, how does he expect the family to survive. I would have thought that this is the time in which he will even help me to dust my pali and send me out to work. These are the few things that I have been chewing on that is making me reluctant tell her to kick him in the balls and tell him to bleep off because this is just one side of the story. hi let me put things right, the issue of my job is not a recent issue far way before he lost his job which is few months ago. Altough i remained calm about it hoping to get a change of heart from him but no ,after 3 years. we were on that when his job loss happened. so, he finds it convenient thru the help of some fake prophets to say that i am not happy so i caused him to loose his job. See, i did not just post to be heard , i have read so much on nairaland and i decided to come here. the experience that brought me here was when one of them told him i have a spiritual husband who is not happy that i am married to him.( after about over 5 years). personally, i dont believe that junk, so i came online to check for information on the existence or non-existence of spiritual husband and thats how i came about nairaland. u are right its one side of the story but u can bet nothing added or subtracted. i never absolved myself of blame. but i think there are some things that are just way off the hook. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Jenifa1: 9:54pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
mutter: na wa for these kain marriages o  scary to say the least. @flak, if you were given the choice to marry your husband or not knowing how things will turn out today, will you still have done it? if yes, then try to work it out. it means you still love him I guess. I think the best thing is for you to do is to communicate your feelings to him exactly the way you have laid it out on this thread. let him know that you are getting burned out from the verbal abuses. just let him know that you can't take it anymore if he doesn't change, then just move out for a few months to give yourself a breather. take your kids with you to your family house for a few weeks/months vacation. It's for your own good. worrying/emotional stress is bad for health. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by yemivictor: 11:14pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
Jenifa_: You married? Just curious.  |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by yemivictor: 11:28pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
Hi Flak, Please how do you know for sure that he's responsible for your baby's deformity? I mean, was the physical assault that severe?  |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by mutter(f): 11:58pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
Jenifa, marriage no easy OH!!!  It takes patience and maturity. any women will not admit just how hard it can get but at the end of the day you have to take the good with the bad. Flak please stop trying to justify yourself but look rather for ways to make it wok. It is not about right or wrong but about making it work. The strategy I use in my home is that I show my husband allot of love and really pet him. When he hurts me I withdraw into my shell and avoid him. Do not sleep in the room and do not stay in the same room with him. That gets him thinking. But everyone is different. Learn to let go of things, You are still bearing too many grudges.That does not help things. Stay away from wrong advice. Now that you are torn emotionally you could be led astray. I can sit down and think about all the things my husband did and pile one on the other. I get so mad, sometimes I call him even at work and tell him I want a divorce. He is used to that now and just laughs. Other times I think about all the wonderful things about him and call him and tell him he is the best. You have to steer your emotions in the right direction. Whenever you think about something he did to hurt you also think about something good he did. At the end love overcomes. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by SweetT1: 1:05am On Feb 27, 2011 |
flak: @flak I am so sorry about your situation, it's very unfortunate. And please take care of your daughter and make sure that she get a proper care and visit to her doctor as often as possible. And please for your daughter's sake, tell the doctor the truth so that he knows how to do his job, tell him about the abuse while you was pregnant. I have always said it that Most of our women don't marry the right man because they look for the wrong qualities in man. What kind of a man jump on his wife when she's 4 month pregnant?? What kind of a real man listens to the words of a spiritualist? No offense, i thought it was common amongst women. If your husband was in a civilized society, he would be in jail for domestic violence and if there is a proof that your daughter's condition was related to the beating, he may even serve a longer sentence. To me he is a criminal. I wonder if you have any brothers? Please flak, dont take any more beatings, you married for love and not for a boxing sparring partner. Have you ever advised him to seek psychological help or counselling? I wonder how he feels when he looks at your daughter? And please confide in a member of your family, cause the behavior of your husband is strange. If it's just loss of a job, he can look for another with his qualifications but visiting a spiritualist? Please let a family member know what is going on. Was he this abusive during courtship? |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by horny4u(f): 1:24am On Feb 27, 2011 |
You may shout foul about my below opinion. But between you and your hubby u have managed to harm your child while playing give me punishment I am a sucker. You want to harm the remaining 2 abi, if it were in the Uk all d kids will be removed from the abusive maddness you have created for them as a playground. The no 1 job of a mum is to protect her kids no matter what maybe when your kids begin to show the effects of the hell u are making them endure you will grow some balls. You may have no money and no where to place 3 children but your creator and your kids creator is not sleeping. You need to stop this hell, As for intelligence I have met lots of spineless intelligent women who will hell thinking hell is after life. If kids were not involved i would have concluded that's how you play your love. You are important! You can pull yourself from this depth ! |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Jenifa1: 4:11am On Feb 27, 2011 |
mutter: I can definitely see that. Kudos to you for handling it well |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 8:52am On Feb 27, 2011 |
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| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 9:42am On Feb 27, 2011 |
mutter: Stop justifying what?do you know what this woman must have gone through? Seriously you guys make it look as if marriage is a do or die affair, please stop it for the sake of sanity. Have you lot ever considered the psychological effect this abuse might have on her? or you think it's only when her husband hits her that she'll drop on the floor dead? do you people know that words of the mouth kills faster than AIDS AND CANCER? your husband used the word "ashawo" once right , went down on his knees and apologised? cool, that was what happened in your home , do you know how many times(for instance) this OP's husband might have called her ashawo, witch and bla bla bla and if HE HAS EVER APOLOGISED FOR IT? I bow for some advises here sha  |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by flak: 1:41pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
Please how do you know for sure that he's responsible for your baby's deformity? I mean, was the physical assault that severe? [color=#006600][/color] if u want to know the answer is yes, cos a kick to my tummy ruptured one of her yet to be properly formed kidneys. how i survived it is still a mystery to me. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Busybody2(f): 1:51pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
Jeez, he wanted to kill a fruit of the womb, his own flesh and blood, o ga o. Knew you were holding back A LOT the way you chipped in that you had your own faults too oh. Reason people do this is because they have become closeminded and only want to hear "you are to blame, go and keep enduring, what are you going through wey we no fit hear word again, etc". You are the one wearing the shoe who knows where it is hurting, it is your cross to bear, goodluck whatever you decide to do. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by ifyalways(f): 2:15pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
hmmmn.nld. . . Many women have died cos they wanna keep "Mrs" and happy home.Many more are"STUCK" in the marriage,eating poo and are quite unfortunately happy about that. OP,Marriage is all good and sweet but MOST importantly,its PARTNERSHIP.You both wud WORK together to make it work.Wud u rather wait till he starts kicking u and the kids befeore u ACT?Marriage is all abt tolerance but what do we tolerate really?Does the tolerance not have limit?How many of us preaching "endure" have had our husbands abuse us verbally,kicked us etc?I know a lady that just got shot by the hubby,things have been bad btwn them for sometime now and when the lady confided in me that she wanted a temporal seperation,i foolishly adviced her against that.2 months later,this lady got shot. When u are abused and u sit down and keep blaming uself and making up excuses,whoever that is abusing u WON'T stop.Act woman,your kids need u. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by ifyalways(f): 2:25pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
OP,Divorce is NOT the only way out either. You need to get a job,if not for anything,for ur kids. Tell ur husband that u love him and wants to make things work BUT u won't accept his violence(verbal and physical) anymore. Help and encourage him to get a job. You guys go for counselling. Please if all does not work and he does not change,take ur children to a safe place,ur dad's or any other place.You can then stay and endure whatever he dishes you. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 2:35pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
ifyalways: Thank you. They advise like we are not all humans with blood flowing through our vein. People should get real bikonu ehn? And yes I did know she was trying to keep the info of her daughter's illness to herself , but I guess lots of questioning made her say it out. I was once opportuned to do a pap smear on an aussie some time ago. A young woman in her mid 20's. We got talking and I found out from her info file that she's suffering from depression. So I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she partially agreed , so I decided to pry further as the amebo that I am  ok seriously, this woman lost her sexual appetite to domestic abuse from her husband. She was just in that house for her child. Couldn't leave the marriage because her parents warned her against it but loff carried her there. We got to talk alot , I decided to play the listener and not the talker because trust these oyibo's naaaa before I go talk one wey go make me enter one coroner's case like thatPeople are going through hell in their marriages and it pains me silly to see some people preach endurance and tolerance. I will not advise someone to leave her husband but at the same time I will not advise a fellow woman to take series of abuses from her husband for peace sake |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 3:48pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
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| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Outstrip(f): 4:06pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
To be honest I have to say that if I had heard all this talk about how marriage is equal to suffering I would have been single now. I am glad I did not hear all this before I got married. I don't have the strength to go on and on but I will just talk as quickly as I can about a friend of mine. She is a little older. Her husband used to hit her every now and then. She was even on anti depressants for a while. Recently we talked and she told me that he hit her again and as usual her teenage kids saw it. I was crying but not for her since it is her choice to put up with it. It was for the kids. This man is in his early 50s now and she in her mid forties. In my mind, your forties is when you should be on cruise control. You would have worked hard on your marriage, raising your kids, your career and all that and now you can just tweak things as they come. Can you imagine being in your 40s and wondering everyday the next time you will chop slap. What a life. The worst part is what this does to the kids. She could have broken that cycle but did not. You can tell that her daughter is very bitter and one of her sons is so timid but he can swing into rages at the drop of a hat. Let me tell you something. This poster is very bitter. She might not show it but she is. The other thing is that she might be angry about what this man has done to her but it is what she believes he did to her child that that makes her bitter. Please marriage is not a war zone neither is it supposed to be a test to see how much of a woman you are. You should not endure your marriage. You should enjoy it. This woman has tried. The man is not teachable. He does not want to learn. At this stage in his life he probably will never change. What is left for this man to do to her before people say she has done enough. She should be encouraged to go back to work but she is being encouraged to focus on making this man calm down. A man that it seems has some serious psychological issues. This man has accused her of having a spirit husband and also sees spiritualists. Haba. Does any of you know what it is like to have a child that has medical issues? Rather than focus on that with her partner all that energy is going to worrying about how to keep this man happy. A man that has chosen not to be happy. Madam abeg get a job because if he has hit you when you were pregnant and does not seem to have changed he will do it again. Good husbands do not call their wives names. Good husbands do not hit their pregnant wives. Notice that I did not say perfect husbands. I said good husbands because there is no such thing as a perfect husband or wife. You have to value yourself if you want someone else to value you. Get a job. I know it will be hard because you have a child that has some medical issues. Work hard and give her/him the best in life. The best thing you can give your children is a happy and healthy mother. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 4:45pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
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| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Outstrip(f): 4:54pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
chaircover: Good question. I think the first step is for her to get a job. She is an accountant. Save money (Nobody knows tomorrow) If he insists on being abusive to her while she is working on her plan she needs to protect her children from it especially if she chooses to stay there until she is financially able to take care of all of them She does not need to tell me but I am pretty sure she has no friends. With her husbands personality he would not let her keep friends or even be free with her family. I would suggest that she builds a network. She does not have to share her problems but someone she can call for a few times a day and just unwind with small talk. I am lucky to have the best friend in the world and I am very close to my siblings and cousins (both male and female). 1 Like |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Outstrip(f): 5:06pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
chaircover: Haba chaircover. You counsel women abi? So you know that a woman will lie even to herself because she is afraid to confront the truth about the man she loves especially if he is the father of her children. I have never seen an abused woman that did not beat about the bush before she finally said it. I HAVE NOT SEEN ONE. I know that you know this. By the time you hear it you realize that it had probably happened before they even got married and continued and she did not say anything until she is almost ready to be admitted to a psych ward. Many women are foolish this way especially in our culture that divorce or even a temporary separation might come with a stigma. It is very complicated. You also know that if her father were to say pack your things but he sees that she cannot even feed herself one meal he might be in a tight situation. Her father cannot help her. She has to help herself even as hard as that might be. It is her call to change things. Daddy can express his displeasure but the man is old and can probably not provide for them financially. She is an adult. In my opinion her father does not even need this stress. She needs to stand and make adult decisions. If she is in Nigeria we know that child support is out of the question. Our society does not encourage men to be responsible so there is a lot for this woman to do but the journey of a 1000 miles starts with 1 step. She has to have a very detailed plan and I believe she will figure it out eventually. Sooner than later I hope |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 5:27pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
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| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by vanitty: 5:54pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
My dear the first thing is to take yourself out of the situation so that you can analyse with a clear head irrespective of if you are wrong or not. Be daddy's little girl for a while. You can't play happy families when your husband thinks you are a witch, that is emotional abuse worse than physical abuse, I can just imagine the snide comment (you are responsible for my downfall, you are this you are that,) he will be making all over the house. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by ifyalways(f): 6:08pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
No one here is advocating for divorce or for her to "pack her briefcase and leave". The main gist is this:she should save herself FIRST then her marriage! work on the man,work on your marriage yada yada when she can't even find her feet or know what she's into? The man for now have choosen not to be her partner,she needs to pull out and get herself (as an individual) sorted atleast for the sake of her children.ONLY then can she work on her marriage and man. Its only when u are strong and fit emotionally and financially that u can pull up ur partner.The man got laid off,its normal to be depressed and she can't stay at home working on helpingthis man,she needs to get a job.Sort out her own emotional problems and be able to take her man along. |
| Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by SweetT1: 6:12pm On Feb 27, 2011 |
@Flak Can you please tell me, what are the qualities you saw in him before marriage other than him working in a bank or being a bank manager? |
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