have left the house once to go to a friends place when i got tired of his rantings only to come back and get beaten up while i was 4 months pregnant

WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

That's a no no no no no no no no . . . . . . . , .

What a lifestyle.

I pity.

One has to analyse issues carefully.

Is a man that has been married for years and flips out once an abusive man or a man who just lost control on one occasion.

I also am no doctor but I find it hard to imagine that a foetus in the fourth can have a kidney damaged considering the size at that stage. Sorry but maybe a doctor can clear us up on this one.

Yes the man is abusive but is this the language the use amongst themselves. Well maybe he calls her a witch but if she calls him similar names then I guess it is not an issue.

Now maybe he does not let her work but the poster has not been specific. Maybe this was an agreement made before the marriage. I can imagine that a man may express his not wanting his wife to work because he has enough. In such cases the women sometimes diplomatically get the husband to concede to their working later.

So apart from these issues_
We have a man that is a responsible man in society, catering for his wife and kids. No mention of him being unfaithful or neglecting the marriage.
Now some women will advise she just quit.p
It is not easy to be a single mom and it is not easy to get married a second time. Always with the risk of jumping from frying pan to fire.

My advise to the poster is that you try and make this marriage work.
Women are like flowers we fade pretty fast. There is nothing as comforting as growing old with a man that loves you and appreciates you, remembers you in your youth.
A man you can walk down memory lane together remembering the ups and downs.
If you don`t think I am making sense then heed Chaircovers advice. She knows what it is about.

One has to analyse issues carefully.

Is a man that has been married for years and flips out once an abusive man or a man who just lost control on one occasion.

I also am no doctor but I find it hard to imagine that a foetus in the fourth can have a kidney damaged considering the size at that stage. Sorry but maybe a doctor can clear us up on this one.

Yes the man is abusive but is this the language the use amongst themselves. Well maybe he calls her a witch but if she calls him similar names then I guess it is not an issue.

Now maybe he does not let her work but the poster has not been specific. Maybe this was an agreement made before the marriage. I can imagine that a man may express his not wanting his wife to work because he has enough. In such cases the women sometimes diplomatically get the husband to concede to their working later.

So apart from these issues_
We have a man that is a responsible man in society, catering for his wife and kids. No mention of him being unfaithful or neglecting the marriage.
Now some women will advise she just quit.p
It is not easy to be a single mom and it is not easy to get married a second time. Always with the risk of jumping from frying pan to fire.

My advise to the poster is that you try and make this marriage work.
Women are like flowers we fade pretty fast. There is nothing as comforting as growing old with a man that loves you and appreciates you, remembers you in your youth.
A man you can walk down memory lane together remembering the ups and downs.
If you don`t think I am making sense then heed Chaircovers advice. She knows what it is about.

hello mutter u raised some important issues and i will answer you. if my husband gave me an inkling that he wont support me in my career i would have really had a rethink. why? at an age where my mates were enjoying their life as undergraduates i was busy shuffling between school and lagos trying to get myself chartered and make the best of my future. he actually promised to be supportive right in front of me, himself,my parents and his parents. so i find his change of position a betrayal of trust. pls anybody correct me if i am wrong.
concerning my baby,well know that when it was discovered in nig that something may be wrong, i travelled to the uk,it was confirmed all was not well.maybe a doctor can tell me what could have gone wrong with no medical issues between us and after having two healthy children previously.
dont even go near the issue of unfaithfulness.

if he takes care of me and my kids ,is that enough reason he should treat me unfairly cos i insist i want to work and pursue a career as a woman. i am only asking

i am beginning to think that my shock absorbers were working perfectly well until this period. thruout the period i have known him i have never used any abusive word towards him. till this moment he is still my husband,regardless of how i feel now, why should i insult him, i wouldn't do that.

Can you please tell me, what are the qualities you saw in him before marriage other than him working in a bank or being a bank manager?

if by chance u are insinuating i married him of money or position, sory u are wrong. One of the things that endeared me to him was the fact that i proved to him i was not after his money.

I was working. after about 6 months of , he had written out about 6 cheques for me to go and cash. he was going thru my wallet one day and found all of it there. he asked me why and i told him i dont have need for the money. i was working i had to wear, food to eat and i was just contented.

u meet some people and u just endeared and start talking, get flowing , feel free in their presence and i keep wondering where it all went wrong??

flak:

Can you please tell me, what are the qualities you saw in him before marriage other than him working in a bank or being a bank manager?

if by chance u are insinuating i married him of money or position, sory u are wrong. One of the things that endeared me to him was the fact that i proved to him i was not after his money.

I was working. after about 6 months of , he had written out about 6 cheques for me to go and cash. he was going thru my wallet one day and found all of it there. he asked me why and i told him i dont have need for the money. i was working i had to wear, food to eat and i was just contented.

u meet some people and u just endeared and start talking, get flowing , feel free in their presence and i keep wondering where it all went wrong??

No no no! I'm not insinuating that at all but i doubt you would have married him if he was riding an Okada, i was just wondering. Because a man cannot be this brutal and not show flashes of it. It's a different thing if he is protective and shows that he loves you by not laying his arms on you or called you out of your names. No matter how much a man pretends, his true colors will flash every now and then but many women will not see this because they are lost in the attention they are getting. A man that is protective but loves you will forbid seeing you in any physical or emotional pain. He may every now and then slips his tongues and say things he doesn't mean but he will be like a cripple when he comes to hitting you. Goodluck sweetheart and i will join you in prayers for your daughter.

@Mutter

I don't care what she called him or said, she has his baby inside of her for heavens sake. Even if she calls her anything, is that enough justification for hitting a woman carrying your baby? May the good Lord take me from this earth the day i resort to this. A man that hits her pregnant wife does not want to grow old with her. If he hits you once, He will hit you again!!!

something tells me Mutter is a sort of every man's dream wife.
I don't think I will ever tolerate any of those stuff. I don't have the strength for that

@sweet t

lol cool down ore mi.

@flak
sweetheart do not allow anybody make you feel bad or make you feel that you haven't done alot to bring peace into your home,people are telling you to work on your marriage, do this and do that. They don't live with you and have no idea how much work you might have put into your marriage or the number and level of abuses you might have received from your husband

Some of us have never been hit or verbally abused by our husband and it's easier for us to sit infront of our PC's and accuse you of playing the victim even though we are not the ones wearing the shoe and have no idea were it hurts. No real,decent,responsible and intelligent man calls his wife names talkless of seeking advise from spiritualist or listen to other people call his own wife a witch.

You need a job,let him call you a witch a million times or threaten you with words and stuffs, that is his business,it is about time you treat that violent nature of his with determination and boldness.

All the best


@outstrip
God bless the day baba kadry will call me even sthg as little as ''mumu''. That day he will smell his backside by the time i am through with him

Lol honestly if my mama preached this patience,tolerance and endurance thing in abuse of any sort. I would have gone to the catholic church and enroll for ''revd sisters'' course,because no way on earth would i have gotten married. Yes my mum preached tolerance and stuffs to me but also made me realise that i am worth more than a man's punching bag or worthless mate

chei chei chei
what are we even saying?cos the man has been feeding her,does not cheat bla bla hence he can hit her,abuse her verbally while she suck it up and deal with it. . .WTF
Why are we stressing on "marriage" rather than "staying alive"?wud u be married when u are dead?
Why wud the man make her stop working?. . .make her 100% DEPENDENT on him and then treat her like trash and (a trait common with all abusive men,they know u wud take in everything they do if not for anything for "chop money"has gradually stripped her totally of all forms of security;emotional,financial.
The kids are watching their dad call their mum names.
This woman above all things need to get a JOB AND A LIFE OF HER OWN.
She has to save herself before she can save anyone/her marriage.

thanks to evryone who has chipped in a word or two. i feel kind of relieved i had to share my burden with neutral people.

@sweet T
thanks ,i really need all the prayers right now.

@jenny
thanks for being realistic and truthful. marriage is really different strokes for different folks.

@mummer
i appreciate all u have said, my dear i have been thrru a lot. i have thot about and practiced ur approach but it seems people like my husband need a wakeup call once in a while. before posting this thread i have actually thot of allowing him to travel and coming back to meet his house empty with me and the kids gone.
i wanted to be sure i wasnt overreacting considering our nigerian culture/belief system about separation or divorce, which personally i feel its really limiting and sometimes unfair.thanks all the same.

mutter:

One has to analyse issues carefully.

Is a man that has been married for years and flips out once an abusive man or a man who just lost control on one occasion.

I also am no doctor but I find it hard to imagine that a foetus in the fourth can have a kidney damaged considering the size at that stage. Sorry but maybe a doctor can clear us up on this one.

Yes the man is abusive but is this the language the use amongst themselves. Well maybe he calls her a witch but if she calls him similar names then I guess it is not an issue.

Now maybe he does not let her work but the poster has not been specific. Maybe this was an agreement made before the marriage. I can imagine that a man may express his not wanting his wife to work because he has enough. In such cases the women sometimes diplomatically get the husband to concede to their working later.

So apart from these issues_
We have a man that is a responsible man in society, catering for his wife and kids. No mention of him being unfaithful or neglecting the marriage.
Now some women will advise she just quit.p
It is not easy to be a single mom and it is not easy to get married a second time. Always with the risk of jumping from frying pan to fire.

My advise to the poster is that you try and make this marriage work.
Women are like flowers we fade pretty fast. There is nothing as comforting as growing old with a man that loves you and appreciates you, remembers you in your youth.
A man you can walk down memory lane together remembering the ups and downs.
If you don`t think I am making sense then heed Chaircovers advice. She knows what it is about.

Give it up already!

I'm not even the poster and I find your stance and insinuations on this issue a bit irritating!

I know you've had yourself a 'wonderful' marriage and all what not, but your idea that women are for some reason supposed to be the 'sufferers' in a marriage is plainly annoying. You keep talking about 'flowers fading fast' as if a woman has got all her worth on her physical attributes. From what this poster had described about herself, the way she looks is the least of her achievements. And you want her to let a man trample on all that all in the name of marriage?

Abeg oh, this marriage thing is not by force. Staying in an abusive marriage with the 'hope' of coming out strong is NOT a sign a strength . . . One can settle for that if she has no choice. I see no reason why this poster should.

I'd rather be a single mum anytime any day than put up with an abusive man . . and if you ask me, the children are better off that way too!

flak:

thanks to evryone who has chipped in a word or two. i feel kind of relieved i had to share my burden with neutral people.

@sweet T
thanks ,i really need all the prayers right now.

@jenny
thanks for being realistic and truthful. marriage is really different strokes for different folks.

@mummer
i appreciate all u have said, my dear i have been thrru a lot. i have thot about and practiced your approach but it seems people like my husband need a wakeup call once in a while. before posting this thread i have actually thot of allowing him to travel and coming back to meet his house empty with me and the kids gone.
i wanted to be sure i wasnt overreacting considering our nigerian culture/belief system about separation or divorce, which personally i feel its really limiting and sometimes unfair.thanks all the same.

I think you should give that option some serious consideration!

ifyalways:

chei chei chei   
what are we even saying?cos the man has been feeding her,does not cheat bla bla hence he can hit her,abuse her verbally while she suck it up and deal with it. . .WTF
Why are we stressing on "marriage" rather than "staying alive"?wud u be married when u are dead?
Why wud the man make her stop working?. . .make her 100% DEPENDENT on him and then treat her like trash and (a trait common with all abusive men,they know u wud take in everything they do if not for anything for "chop money"has gradually stripped her totally of all forms of security;emotional,financial.
The kids are watching their dad call their mum names. 
This woman above all things need to get a JOB AND A LIFE OF HER OWN.
She has to save herself before she can save anyone/her marriage.

Don't mind them!

Poor Henrietta (my cousin) died because she was trying to 'make it work' with an animal. She was 7mths pregnant when he husband beat her up, she started bleeding, ended up in the hospital and died! She had a little son who kept asking for his mummy while she was being buried!   

The man married another wife within 2years . .  said he had to 'move on' . .  a chance poor Henrietta will never get!     

//

chaircover:

I don’t believe that flaks husband is a regular woman beater. I think he made a serious error of judgement with terrible consequences. What he did was inexcusable and I honestly wish that he hadn’t done it. We are all human and I want to believe that at least once in our life we have done something that we are not proud of.

Oh i forgot, the difference between a regular woman beater and occasional woman beater is that, one beat a woman once a year while the other beats her twice a month. Get a grip, will ya? If he hit you once, he will hit you again. There are many men, who walks away even when their women are raining blows on them. I'm not saying that this woman should leave her husband but she needs to confide in a mature member of her family. I suspect all these advise are coming from single women an pray that when you get married, you find a man that beats you once a year or 2 years.

^LOL.

chaircover:

I don’t believe that flaks husband is a regular woman beater. I think he made a serious error of judgement with terrible consequences. What he did was inexcusable and I honestly wish that he hadn’t done it. We are all human and I want to believe that at least once in our life we have done something that we are not proud of.

From what I can gather here, the incident happened at least 6 months ago and if this man was a regular wife beater before and after the incident, his wife would have shared that information here.

I also gather from the poster that before they got married, the husband vowed to support his wife’s career after the wedding. He made this promise in front of both sets of parents. The million dollar question is what happened? What changed? No one here knows why.

If the man is an abuser and we know that he is adamant about his wife not working; are we not exposing her to more danger by telling her to go out and find a job while the fire is still burnin[b]g. Can anyone of us here guarantee her safety?[/b]

The job we are talking about, it is not that easy to find a job in Nigeria. Secondly the banking sector is not that stable & with people being sacked every day. We also have the possibility of how she will deal with advances from randy men in her establishment before and after she gets her job as a single woman with no man to protect her.

I will be blunt and tell it as it is. Being a single mum in the UK or the USA is very different from being a single mum in Nigeria. It’s not right but that is the plain truth.

In a civilised society, if a man as so much as dreams of laying a finger on his wife before he even lowers that hand, the police will be at their door. God help him if his wife finds herself a good lawyer and before you say Jack Robinson 50% or more of his assets becomes hers, he will pay child support for the next 18 years and will loose a custody battle & that is if he doesn’t end up in prison for assault or even attempted murder. This does not happen in Nigeria; the country where the poster lives.

Again no excuse for a man to verbally abuse his wife for whatever reason, but trust me the abuse she will get from her next door neighbour when her kid has a fight with next doors kid will pass any abuse her husband is giving her. That is when you will see her friend’s husbands telling their wives that they don’t want to see her in their house anymore because he doesn’t want her to pollute his wife. You will also see her married friends no longer inviting her to their house so that she doesn’t “steal” their husbands. How many Landlords rent their properties out to single mothers in Nigeria? Please I want people who live in Nigeria to back me up on this one; am I lying?

Whether we like to accept it or not, there is a stigma attached to single mother/kids. A number of years ago, this guy toasted me but a week later he came back and told me that his mum said that he must not marry a girl whose parents were not together. I was upset at the time but the guy did me a big favour. Incidentally the guy himself is now divorced but that is a story for a different day LOL.

Either the poster missed all these terrible traits in this man all the while she was courting or he was a good man but gradually changed over the years. The next question will be why has he changed so much & is there any likelihood that he can change back to the once good husband that he was?

We are also assuming here that this woman leaves with her kids; What if the man doesn’t let her? This is Nigeria we are talking about here. If she doesn’t leave with her kids then the kids that we are so protecting will be at the mercy of step mothers for years to come & who will probably poison the minds of the kids against their own mother anyway. These kids are all under 5 years of age and so can’t even fend for themselves.

When we all log off of Nairaland, we will all go back to our cosy homes and family and this woman will be left on her own to deal with whatever decision that she takes. This has nothing to do with being strong or being weak or being a martyr or whatever. Nothing sentimental here, I am just being practical and looking further down the road.

I pray that God intervenes in this family.

Is she safe now,right under the man's roof

chaircover:

I don’t believe that flaks husband is a regular woman beater. I think he made a serious error of judgement with terrible consequences. What he did was inexcusable and I honestly wish that he hadn’t done it. We are all human and I want to believe that at least once in our life we have done something that we are not proud of.

From what I can gather here, the incident happened at least 6 months ago and if this man was a regular wife beater before and after the incident, his wife would have shared that information here.

I also gather from the poster that before they got married, the husband vowed to support his wife’s career after the wedding. He made this promise in front of both sets of parents. The million dollar question is what happened? What changed? No one here knows why.

If the man is an abuser and we know that he is adamant about his wife not working; are we not exposing her to more danger by telling her to go out and find a job while the fire is still burning. Can anyone of us here guarantee her safety?

The job we are talking about, it is not that easy to find a job in Nigeria. Secondly the banking sector is not that stable & with people being sacked every day. We also have the possibility of how she will deal with advances from randy men in her establishment before and after she gets her job as a single woman with no man to protect her.

I will be blunt and tell it as it is. Being a single mum in the UK or the USA is very different from being a single mum in Nigeria. It’s not right but that is the plain truth.

In a civilised society, if a man as so much as dreams of laying a finger on his wife before he even lowers that hand, the police will be at their door. God help him if his wife finds herself a good lawyer and before you say Jack Robinson 50% or more of his assets becomes hers, he will pay child support for the next 18 years and will loose a custody battle & that is if he doesn’t end up in prison for assault or even attempted murder. This does not happen in Nigeria; the country where the poster lives.

Again no excuse for a man to verbally abuse his wife for whatever reason, but trust me the abuse she will get from her next door neighbour when her kid has a fight with next doors kid will pass any abuse her husband is giving her. That is when you will see her friend’s husbands telling their wives that they don’t want to see her in their house anymore because he doesn’t want her to pollute his wife. You will also see her married friends no longer inviting her to their house so that she doesn’t “steal” their husbands. How many Landlords rent their properties out to single mothers in Nigeria? Please I want people who live in Nigeria to back me up on this one; am I lying?

Whether we like to accept it or not, there is a stigma attached to single mother/kids. A number of years ago, this guy toasted me but a week later he came back and told me that his mum said that he must not marry a girl whose parents were not together. I was upset at the time but the guy did me a big favour. Incidentally the guy himself is now divorced but that is a story for a different day LOL.

Either the poster missed all these terrible traits in this man all the while she was courting or he was a good man but gradually changed over the years. The next question will be why has he changed so much & is there any likelihood that he can change back to the once good husband that he was?

We are also assuming here that this woman leaves with her kids; What if the man doesn’t let her? This is Nigeria we are talking about here. If she doesn’t leave with her kids then the kids that we are so protecting will be at the mercy of step mothers for years to come & who will probably poison the minds of the kids against their own mother anyway. These kids are all under 5 years of age and so can’t even fend for themselves.

When we all log off of Nairaland, we will all go back to our cosy homes and family and this woman will be left on her own to deal with whatever decision that she takes. This has nothing to do with being strong or being weak or being a martyr or whatever. Nothing sentimental here, I am just being practical and looking further down the road.

I pray that God intervenes in this family.

I just don't understand you CC . . .Are you saying this poster's husband is a good man who only made one mistake by hitting her

I really don't quite get your point because from what I can see from flak's posts, the husband is a terribly sad and angry man who takes it out on his wife. How can that be a good thing

Are you saying she should stay behind and take the physical and emotional abuse because she 'might' not be 'safe' if she leaves? Or are you encouraging her to stay because of the children who are already being put in harms way by the husband?

Are you saying that by asking her to save herself and her kids from such cruel treatment, we are not being sensitive enough to her problem

I really do not know what it means to be married, but I don't think it means being unhappy!

Somehow I don't think you will have lasted a year in your marriage if your husband treated you the way flak's husband is doing now.

Call me selfish sha, but I'm not ready to stay with a man who calls me a witch . . . not even because of my kids!

//

//

chaircover:

Uju I am not saying anything. I am just spelling things out & looking at areas that haven't been addressed.

I am definitely not saying that women or even men should remain in unhappy marriages but I do advocate that people should try all available means within reason to resolve things before throwing in the towel.

I am sure that you will agree with me that unhappiness in relationships does not peak in a day, but a gradual escalation of things.

For the record yet once again, I am saying that what the posters husband did/doing is totally unacceptable and I am not suggesting/imposing/insisting etc that the poster should stay with him.

So you don't think that giving the man a break is a strategy of its own?

When does one decide that things have escalated enough to the point where staying will only make matters worse?

You don't think she should leave and you also don't think she should get a job. What you think she should do to ascertain that she has done everything within her power

Apparently she tried being loyal by quitting her job and forgiving the battery but things are only getting worse. So what is her next steps

This reminds me of my friend who got married to this man . . Infact while they were still courting the man himself gave her the t.fare to Lagos for her job interview. Only for them to get married and he decided she had to quit her job . . . for God knows why!

Okay she quit the job na and became dependent on him and he complained about that. Oya Mr. Man what is it you want na? You don't want your wife to work, you don't want her to depend on you, what exactly to you want? A question he just couldn't answer himself.

//

chaircover:

Uju if you read through my previous posts, you will see where I said that she may want to give the man some space by a temp separation.

Ive also suggested that she asks God to intervene, try marriage counselling and her speaking to family members.

I have also asked the question why the man doesnt want her to work as all this trouble seems to have stemmed from here and I beleive that if you get to the bottom of that a lot of other things will fall into place.

I know you find that difficult to believe, probably because you have a wonderful man as a hubby, but some Nigerian men are just plain irrational. I've seen men who are difficult just for the heck of it . . .

Flak herself is not claiming to be 100% guilt free but what I see from her is a woman who has really tried her best to make it work and feels cheated because hubby is not appreciating her efforts.

You might not know what it means to give up a job like hers in Nigeria . . . just to please a husband. That alone earned her my respect. If that is the root of the problem, then why are things getting worse and not better   

I have also asked the question severally why the man doesnt want her to work as all this trouble seems to have stemmed from here and I beleive that if you get to the bottom of that a lot of other things will fall into place.

hi chaircover, if i could answer that question correctly maybe things would have been easier, but my best try will be his innate ability to want to be in control at all times and the same time trying to play the nice guy. i will give u two instances.

One - was at home, he got back from work and said he has seen a place he thinks i would like, i was happy,prepared wrote the test, did an interview, was given a place. with all delight, i prepared to go for training, only for him to say no. i asked why and he said the pay is not worth it. but the time is less tedious and no weekend jobs. if u knew u wouldnt let me take it, why did u inform me. he replied, i did not think about it properly.
my dear i cried my eyes out. only for him to ask me why i am crying that with that job, i would not be able to buy the car i was driving for 5 years.

Two- went out of town for a course, on the morning i was about to start, he called and asked for his car keys, i told him where i kept it because the kids may take it where he put it. he went haywire accusing me of deliberating hiding them so he does not go out to meet his customers while i am away. i asked why would i do that, and a torrent of abuse followed. i tell u if not for the driver that asked me to take it easy, i was so distraught i wanted to forget the course and go back home.

my dear if u think he called me and said ,dear i dont want u to work for so so reason,u are wrong. on a no of occasions,his own younger brother will call me and say i should not deceive myself about looking for a job cos every cv i give him lands in the boot of his car.

u see what i mean by betrayal of trust.

@ OP,

Sit down well and reevaluate your life. Do what ever will make you happy. This life is short and there is no need killing yourself over anyone. No human being is worth your life. Someone that could have the heart to beat you while pregnant and cause lifelong complications for your child. When that child grows up i hope you are able to tell her the truth of why she has to live with that condition, and why she may not be able to find a man that will want to bear the burden of her health problems because you desperately want to remain married. Hopefully the spiritualist will tell him that your death will be the end of his problems and he can come and suffocate you while you sleep. This is a very dangerous man. The fact that he even felt too ashamed to tell the doctor what he did that caused his child's complication shows that he is a selfish coward. And knows that what he is doing is wrong.

flak:

I have also asked the question severally why the man doesnt want her to work as all this trouble seems to have stemmed from here and I beleive that if you get to the bottom of that a lot of other things will fall into place.

hi chaircover, if i could answer that question correctly maybe things would have been easier, but my best try will be his innate ability to want to be in control at all times and the same time trying to play the nice guy. i will give u two instances.

One - was at home, he got back from work and said he has seen a place he thinks i would like, i was happy,prepared wrote the test, did an interview, was given a place. with all delight, i prepared to go for training, only for him to say no. i asked why and he said the pay is not worth it. but the time is less tedious and no weekend jobs. if u knew u wouldnt let me take it, why did u inform me. he replied, i did not think about it properly.
my dear i cried my eyes out. only for him to ask me why i am crying that with that job, i would not be able to buy the car i was driving for 5 years.

Two- went out of town for a course, on the morning i was about to start, he called and asked for his car keys, i told him where i kept it because the kids may take it where he put it. he went haywire accusing me of deliberating hiding them so he does not go out to meet his customers while i am away. i asked why would i do that, and a torrent of abuse followed. i tell u if not for the driver that asked me to take it easy, i was so distraught i wanted to forget the course and go back home.

my dear if u think he called me and said ,dear i dont want u to work for so so reason,u are wrong. on a no of occasions,his own younger brother will call me and say i should not deceive myself about looking for a job cos every cv i give him lands in the boot of his car.

u see what i mean by betrayal of trust.

ROTFLMAO

I'm sorry, this is not supposed to be funny but I can't help myself.

Your hubby's got a lot of issues.

flak:

I have also asked the question severally why the man doesnt want her to work as all this trouble seems to have stemmed from here and I beleive that if you get to the bottom of that a lot of other things will fall into place.

hi chaircover, if i could answer that question correctly maybe things would have been easier, but my best try will be his innate ability to want to be in control at all times and the same time trying to play the nice guy. i will give u two instances.

One - was at home, he got back from work and said he has seen a place he thinks i would like, i was happy,prepared wrote the test, did an interview, was given a place. with all delight, i prepared to go for training, only for him to say no. i asked why and he said the pay is not worth it. but the time is less tedious and no weekend jobs. if u knew u wouldnt let me take it, why did u inform me. he replied, i did not think about it properly.
my dear i cried my eyes out. only for him to ask me why i am crying that with that job, i would not be able to buy the car i was driving for 5 years.

Two- went out of town for a course, on the morning i was about to start, he called and asked for his car keys, i told him where i kept it because the kids may take it where he put it. he went haywire accusing me of deliberating hiding them so he does not go out to meet his customers while i am away. i asked why would i do that, and a torrent of abuse followed. i tell u if not for the driver that asked me to take it easy, i was so distraught i wanted to forget the course and go back home.

my dear if u think he called me and said ,dear i dont want u to work for so so reason,u are wrong. on a no of occasions,his own younger brother will call me and say i should not deceive myself about looking for a job cos every cv i give him lands in the boot of his car.

u see what i mean by betrayal of trust.

@flak

If i'm reading this right, this are symptoms of a severe psychological disorder. I want to call it a multiple personality disorder but since i'm not a Psychologist i won't. Have you guys consider seeing a Psychologist??

flak:

I have also asked the question severally why the man doesnt want her to work as all this trouble seems to have stemmed from here and I beleive that if you get to the bottom of that a lot of other things will fall into place.

hi chaircover, if i could answer that question correctly maybe things would have been easier, but my best try will be his innate ability to want to be in control at all times and the same time trying to play the nice guy. i will give u two instances.

One - was at home, he got back from work and said he has seen a place he thinks i would like, i was happy,prepared wrote the test, did an interview, was given a place. with all delight, i prepared to go for training, only for him to say no. i asked why and he said the pay is not worth it. but the time is less tedious and no weekend jobs. if u knew u wouldnt let me take it, why did u inform me. he replied, i did not think about it properly.
my dear i cried my eyes out. only for him to ask me why i am crying that with that job, i would not be able to buy the car i was driving for 5 years.

Two- went out of town for a course, on the morning i was about to start, he called and asked for his car keys, i told him where i kept it because the kids may take it where he put it. he went haywire accusing me of deliberating hiding them so he does not go out to meet his customers while i am away. i asked why would i do that, and a torrent of abuse followed. i tell u if not for the driver that asked me to take it easy, i was so distraught i wanted to forget the course and go back home.

my dear if u think he called me and said ,dear i dont want u to work for so so reason,u are wrong. on a no of occasions,his own younger brother will call me and say i should not deceive myself about looking for a job cos every cv i give him lands in the boot of his car.

u see what i mean by betrayal of trust.

I doubt if it is betrayal of trust. You have a very insecure man that is not comfortable with you potential. You seem like a very brilliant woman, and an achiever and he does not want you to earn more than him. He is competing with you, and trust me if you get a job in that house and make more than him, your troubles would have just started. He seems like an insecure, jealous, fetish and childish individual. I dont think this will ever change as he will always frustrate all your  efforts. Except if for some reason you are able to convince him that your success will not get to your head.

//

Flak, from all that i have read here it seems like you are really bitter and unhappy in your marraige.
And i think you've really made up your mind that you are done with it because you shot a hole in every single advice from chaircover and mutter on how to make things work.

So stop looking for coping strategies and rather have a plan about what you want to do.
It might be a good idea to go away for a short while say a week or two and think really deeply.

What do YOU want?
Do YOU want to call it quits?
Do you still love your husband?
Would his allowing you get a job make things okay?
Can you get past and forgive what he did to your daughter?

Deep in your heart do you believe he is the violent type and you've only been tolerating him or was his physical assault of you really a one-off?
As to the verbal and emotional trauma he puts you through has he really always been like that or could it be that it was when he started facing pressures at work and inevitably lost his job that he cracked up and started lashing at you because really some people can't handle pressure and can be horrible to live with at a trying period.

These are the things you need to think deeply about.
The period you are away from him should also hopefully make your husband come to his senses and think about how horrible he has been to you.
If he shows some remorse and indeed you find out that you still love him after all, then you can lay down your rules and condition for coming back to him.
You would let him know that he must allow you to work and that the name calling must stop.
But if he doesn't show any remorse, there you have it
It means you don't have to waste your time any more.

Hmmm, someone aims a flying kick at a pregnant woman's belly (his own wife's belly at that) which ended in rupturing one of the poor baby's kidney and nearly killing the woman too, and some of us are trying to wallpaper over it as a one-off assault, though although both victims survived the ordeal, the baby is now disabled. As this is not enough life sentence, the woman is now being accused of being a witch by this same man, SMH! ! !

Well the poster can do what she wants and she has made up her mind.
You are free to make your decisions but you have to live with the consequences.

Sometimes we read things and just get emotional but one has to analyse very carefully.

The man is a bad man because he does not want the woman to work.
This is a woman who claims she had three kids in 5 years of marriage
Who claims that one of them is sick, meaning that more attention is needed.
SO SOMEONE PLEASE PINCH ME!!! Most men and women will want their wife`s to stay at home for at least a while, especially when he can afford it.
Now it is reasonable when the man says she cannot buy the car in 5 years with the salary. The kids need attention.

I really do not want to go back to this topic because it is sensitive but, a fetas at 4 months is 5 inches and weighs about 5 ounces. My common sense tells me that this cannot be possible that the problem was as a result of the beating.

For a woman to be irritated that a her husband tells her that he did not give her the car to drop a man, speaks volumes.

Chaircover some women do not understand that sometimes it is better to take shi from one man at home than from everyone outside,
Just wait later and see ho friends will turn against you. Even your family will consider you a burden. while you are trying to make it initially.
My dear look before you leap.