@OP,

I have read a lot of what has been said here and I would chip in my own bit.

Self preservation is the most important thing in Life. If a man beats you while pregnant, Do you know you could die in the process? If you cant call the cops then you need to re-evaluate issues.

Your husband sounds insecure and whatever, Its affecting your own life both physically and emotionally. If you love yourself, then you should find a way to end it

Solution. Sit down and ask yourself, whats more important to you.

Write down all you want from the marriage including cessation of physical and verbal attacks and your desire to get a job.

Let him come up with what he wants from you and Try to see if there is a midpoint where two of you can agree on? If you cant agree on some key issues then I would tell you to move out.

If you didnt do this before you got married now you can do it. You seem like you fear your husband more than you love him

Its not by force to be married o. And if my sister or daughter should tell me a man kicked her tummy while pregnant? DOnt ask me what I would do cos it wont be pleasant for all involved.

When an african man labels his wife a witch and a dangerious one that cost him his wealth ,then the marriage is half dead from there cos there wont be any more trust from him on his wife and he will start thinking of ways to get rid of her weither dead or alive and if his family hears about it that also makes matter worst,especially since he consult fetish people or native doctor whatever u call it cos right now he trust and believe what they say about u unless God divine intervention comes in.


Him physically abusing u while pregnant is a no no,his heartless and have no respect for u.is that how u want to live the rest of ur life?

His self centered and insecured not wanting u to go back to work even when his lost his job,its obvious that he likes to me in control of everything.

Please do urself a good favour and got back to work so that u can be able to fend for urself and kids incase this marriage brokes down cos i see it coming ,so now is the time to start perparing .

dont listen to everyone who wants u to suspend ur plans of getting a job and be idle just to please ur selfish husband even when they can see all the witchcraft accusation and physical abuse.

He should be happy to have a wife that wants to work compare to most that doesnt ever want to work but to remain as house wife and mothers ,this is why when most relationships breaks we women suffer more for it cos of lack of independency.

Shine ur eye oo and think of urself and kids first before before ur insecured husband.

mutter:


. . .I really do not want to go back to this topic because it is sensitive but, a fetas at 4 months is 5 inches and weighs about 5 ounces. My common sense tells me that this cannot be possible that the problem was as a result of the beating. . .

Yeah we know one of your favourite saying on NL is that "you will rather stay with an abusive man than expose your kids to poverty because a woman who works is a prostitute" and you are MOBO444's number one fan as you always agree with all the bile he comes up with about Nigerian women, so obviously, you are trying to dissuade the OP flak from leaving home. But is this really necessary - insinuating and trying to rub it in the poster's face that she is lying about her husband's assault causing the baby's disability and as a matter of fact, this is like the second or third time you would be saying this too She already has to live with this for the rest of her life and like Outstrip said - it takes a lot to raise a disabled child, and I should know too, but then like you always like to unapologetically say "some parents give birth to handicapped children because of their past sins"


Do you realise that if you mistakenly bump a pregnant woman, the baby would move/do you know that to do a late scan to check a baby's sex, the belly is slapped a few times to get the baby to move and if you mut know a lady who mistakenly got punched in a packed train went to the Hospital a few days later only to be told her baby died as a result of the blow she sustained that day and had to push out a dead baby,


Are you sure all you need is a pinch

Busy_body:


Yeah we know one of your favourite saying on NL is that "you will rather stay with an abusive man than expose your kids to poverty because a woman who works is a love-peddler" and you are MOBO444's number one fan as you always agree with all the bile he comes up with about Nigerian women, so obviously, you are trying to dissuade the OP flak from leaving home. But is this really necessary - insinuating and trying to rub it in the poster's face that she is lying about her husband's assault causing the baby's disability and as a matter of fact, this is like the second or third time you would be saying this too She already has to live with this for the rest of her life and like Outstrip said - it takes a lot to raise a disabled child, and I should know too, but then like you always like to unapologetically say "some parents give birth to handicapped children because of their past sins"


Do you realise that if you mistakenly bump a pregnant woman, the baby would move/do you know that to do a late scan to check a baby's sex, the belly is slapped a few times to get the baby to move and if you mut know a lady who mistakenly got punched in a packed train went to the Hospital a few days later only to be told her baby died as a result of the blow she sustained that day and had to push out a dead baby,


Are you sure all you need is a pinch

I remember when she said that too. That day I really felt sorry for her. I did not really get upset. Obviously something really crazy happened in mutters life for her to be so messed up

The bible says that the sins of the father shall be visited upon the children.
I always found that pretty hard, but it really does happen sometimes. There are many instances of this too.
That does not mean it as to be in every case.
There is simply more to life than meets the eye.
I wonder why I should be labelled as messed up from taking extracts from the bible.

Dammit woman, did I give you permission to use the internet?!

minute:

Dammit woman, did I give you permission to use the internet?!

ROTFLMAO

Chei, some women would have taken to suicide if they didn't get married!

mutter:

The bible says that the sins of the father shall be visited upon the children.
I always found that pretty hard, but it really does happen sometimes. There are many instances of this too.
That does not mean it as to be in every case.
There is simply more to life than meets the eye.
I wonder why I should be labelled as messed up from taking extracts from the bible.

And you have expressly decided that the sin being punished in this case is the woman's? If you were a man I'll call you chauvinistic but since you are a woman, I can only say you are suffering from a severe case of inferiority complex!

dayokanu:

@OP,

I have read a lot of what has been said here and I would chip in my own bit.

Self preservation is the most important thing in Life. If a man beats you while pregnant, Do you know you could die in the process? If you cant call the cops then you need to re-evaluate issues.

Your husband sounds insecure and whatever, Its affecting your own life both physically and emotionally. If you love yourself, then you should find a way to end it

Solution. Sit down and ask yourself, whats more important to you.

Write down all you want from the marriage including cessation of physical and verbal attacks and your desire to get a job.

Let him come up with what he wants from you and Try to see if there is a midpoint where two of you can agree on? If you cant agree on some key issues then I would tell you to move out.

If you didnt do this before you got married now you can do it. You seem like you fear your husband more than you love him

Its not by force to be married o. And if my sister or daughter should tell me a man kicked her tummy while pregnant? DOnt ask me what I would do cos it wont be pleasant for all involved.

This comment of urs have earned u a kiss . . . .
Ori eja typing with his balls and head intact,for once.

Hmmm, I have been dealing with my own issues so i have just been reading through and praying for the poster for strenght and grace to pull through this situation. Why i have decided to comment is because Mutter is shocking me, i am suprised that as someone who survived and walked out of an abusive marriage and come out stronger and remarry you will advocacte that you will keep blaming this woman for the insecurities of a man. You described you Ex husband in one of your threads as sadist and controlling, almost the same way this man is behaving, Hmmm, na wa oh. Abeg, make i no talk.
Poster, i am going through even though not as bad but a bad patch now, i understand fully, i can only offer you my prayers for strenght and wisdom

Contrary to what you think Aisha. I am not advising her to stay in the marriage. At the end of the day she has to make her own decision.
But she has to live with the consequences.
I do not know the poster nor her husband in RL and you need to know a great deal more and know the people in RL to give authentic advise.
The aim of all we write her is to give opinion and advice.
At the end of the day the poster has to decide what she wants to pick and what not.
I only want to have her mind also think in another direction and not do her analysis on a one way track.
For me marriage is no do or die affair but it is certainly something special and something worth fighting to maintain.
I have gone through a divorce before and I was very lucky to find someone else to share my life with.
BUT I paid a very high price for that divorce. I am still paying and I probably will still keep on paying.
At the end I was left alone abandoned by friends and family who felt I was going to be a liability- financially or emotionally. People who only started coming back after I was on my feet again.
A friend of mine assured me to put me up for a week or two, the day I packed my things and landed the house, I was not even let in. Another friend only agreed to put me up alone without kids. Someone I had done so much for in the past!!
When you fall, that is when you know that you do not have friends.
I know the pains of being alone with children and having to cope alone. The days I cried when maybe a kid was sick and in hospital and I had to leave the other kids alone at home to be in the hospital. Not having anyone to lean on. No one to motivate you and take control of issues. It would have been much easier if I were on my own without kids. But with kids it was hell.
Today sometimes I have a problem, when I discuss it with my husband, he only has to say something like calm down it is not so bad and already I feel so much better.
It is not about having a man to finance you. There is something much more important a partner gives to you.
So how many of you who advise her to pack her bags and go is going to put her up initially . Or help with the kids, dry her tears.
Is it not better she exercise the utmost caution and really end the marriage as a last resort.
So what options does she have. Stay single for the rest of her life, or remarry.
You need to consider how difficult it is to bring kids into a marriage. Do you know that that marriage has even higher chances of breaking up?
Those friends you think will stand by you, will be watching their partners closely, when you are around.
Some of my friends who wanted contracts from my ex, even went as far as telling him that the advised me to stay and I took the wrong decision. The avoided me and were busy paying him endless visits.
I do not wish any woman the trauma of a divorce that is why I advice her to honestly be cautious. In this case it does not appear to be out of control. The poster must know that for herself.
One more thing Aisha,  you could never compare my ex with this man. He was abusive and getting violent on a regular basis. However people have different levels of endurance.
But she will have even more problems than these once in another marriage, because she has kids and has made bad experiences in the past. The new in laws will be even more against her, regard her with her kids as a liability.

Mutter, I am not telling her to leave but you keep attacking the woman. I am not hear to judge her or the man, i have my own issues but from what she has said, it iis a lot, your ex may have abused you physically but her abuses her verbally and physically, you found someone to love you, what makes you think she will not? Now am sure you look back and thank God that you left your ex, if you can find happiness why awa from an abusive man why paint a dark picture for another, dont take away or discourage her power to coose the type of life she wants for her and her children

@ Mutter,

I think I understand your position, but can you honestly say that all the troubles you faced as a divorced woman was not worth it at the end of the day?

But then again like Aisha said, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that for some reason, you keep blaming this poster for her problems. Despite the efforts she has made, you keep saying she has not done enough! When exactly will it be enough? When she becomes depressed and embittered for life?

Like you said, there are different levels of endurance. Some women can take being beaten physically but will absolutely break down when verbally abused.

However difficult it is to 'bring kids into a marriage', it is worse to let them stay in an abusive one.

You keep comparing yourself to this woman but you are not the same. She had a career before she got married and is intelligent enough to pick up from where she left. She can get a good job if she tried and will cater for herself and her kids without having to be a burden on anyone. What emotional support is she getting from this marriage that is worth staying for?

Like you, we are all trying to help. But don't let your past problems cloud your judgment on this issue!

I have followed this thread from the beginning and I am being compelled to make my own contribution.

I am one of those that advocate for women to be financially independent in marriages, in case of the unforseen.
I happened to meet a woman four days ago who had devorced recently.  And I asked her "what made you to say enough is enough?  And she said the ex was always abusing her (physically) and the last one that broke the carmel's back was disowing her last baby - 4 months old baby.  Mind you this is the third child.  And do you know something? He does not send money for the upkeep of these children.  He is in a good paid employment o.  Even when the marriage was still on, she receives N15,000 monthly upkeep from him.  Now she is fighting tooth and nail to get a job so she can take care of her girls.
@ poster
if u find it difficult to make up your mind on the issue of leaving at the moment, it is time for you to table these issues to your family.  You cant do it alone.  You have tried the best you could, but it didnt work out.  For how long?  Your husband needs to be put on check.  Also, since he does not want you to work, he should give u some capital to start up a business or something you are capable of.
Goodluck.

I am not blaming the woman nor attacking her.
Only trying to get her to also look at her own side of the issue. If there is something she can do or correct. She is here on the forum.
Now what does it bring me to write husband do not hit her etc? My advise can only go to her here.
Ujujoan I am not in any way comparing myself to the woman. However you need to know that I too had a professional career in fact at the time I divorced my husband I had a well paid job.
Certainly she will find on her feet again, get to rent a place but that takes time. Remember she has to rent a place and do it up and that with kids!! Be realistic it is not easy.

mutter:

I am not blaming the woman nor attacking her.
Only trying to get her to also look at her own side of the issue. If there is something she can do or correct. She is here on the forum.
Now what does it bring me to write husband do not hit her etc? My advise can only go to her here.
Ujujoan I am not in any way comparing myself to the woman. However you need to know that I too had a professional career in fact at the time I divorced my husband I had a well paid job.
Certainly she will find on her feet again, get to rent a place but that takes time. Remember she has to rent a place and do it up and that with kids!! Be realistic it is not easy.

Please just answer one question, just a yes or no please, as your life has turned out now,do you regret leaving your ex?

if she is in a foreign country, it is easy. just pack ur things, your kids etc. leave him a note not to bother looking for you and go to the nearest women shelter.
she does not have to rent right away but live and start from there. not stay in an abusive home hoping to gather enough money before she leaves.
i wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship/marriage. just one pinch, am calling the cops on your azz to deal with you plus red flag your history.

mutter:

I am not blaming the woman nor attacking her.
Only trying to get her to also look at her own side of the issue. If there is something she can do or correct. She is here on the forum.
Now what does it bring me to write husband do not hit her etc? My advise can only go to her here.
Ujujoan I am not in any way comparing myself to the woman. However you need to know that I too had a professional career in fact at the time I divorced my husband I had a well paid job.
Certainly she will find on her feet again, get to rent a place but that takes time. Remember she has to rent a place and do it up and that with kids!! Be realistic it is not easy.

armyofone:

if she is in a foreign country, it is easy. just pack your things, your kids etc. leave him a note not to bother looking for you and go to the nearest women shelter.
she does not have to rent right away but live and start from there. not stay in an abusive home hoping to gather enough money before she leaves.
i wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship/marriage. just one pinch, am calling the cops on your azz to deal with you plus red flag your history.

In Nigeria it's even easier I tell you . . . All you need to do is pack your kids to your family, and visit them while you find your feet.

mutter:

I am not blaming the woman nor attacking her.
Only trying to get her to also look at her own side of the issue. If there is something she can do or correct. She is here on the forum.
Now what does it bring me to write husband do not hit her etc? My advise can only go to her here.
Ujujoan I am not in any way comparing myself to the woman. However you need to know that I too had a professional career in fact at the time I divorced my husband I had a well paid job.
Certainly she will find on her feet again, get to rent a place but that takes time. Remember she has to rent a place and do it up and that with kids!! Be realistic it is not easy.

Seriously Mutter, the difficulty is negligible compared to the other option - staying in an abusive relationship. If not, why didn't you stay with your ex and risk whatever for the sake of 'security'

ifyalways:

This comment of urs have earned u a kiss . . . .
Ori eja typing with his balls and head intact,for once.

I need more than a kiss from you jooorrrr

^^^ Thief . . ole . . carry am go!

^^ Make I carry Ify go? I no mind o.

Or you sef wan follow? The more the merrier

mutter:

The bible says that the sins of the father shall be visited upon the children.
I always found that pretty hard, but it really does happen sometimes. There are many instances of this too.
That does not mean it as to be in every case.
There is simply more to life than meets the eye.
I wonder why I should be labelled as messed up from taking extracts from the bible.

Erhmm easy on the bible quotes, before the anti-christian zealots scatter the thread.

@poster

Is there no one you can talk to?

Solution. Sit down and ask yourself, whats more important to you.

Write down all you want from the marriage including cessation of physical and verbal attacks and your desire to get a job.

Let him come up with what he wants from you and Try to see if there is a midpoint where two of you can agree on? If you cant agree on some key issues then I would tell you to move out.

If you didnt do this before you got married now you can do it. You seem like you fear your husband more than you love him

thank u so much all. dayokanu i will keep this in mind in whatever decision i eventually make. thank u.

stillwater, i have people i can talk to but the danger there is when there is an emotional attachment between people, sides tend to be taken thats why i came to a neutral forum.

my dad and mum are have always and are still there for me but there is a limit they can withstand all these things i have gone thru. my dad will simply tell me to move ahead.
my husband is the one that takes care of his mum and other family. the best they can do is appeal to me to endure,things will be ok. telling him the truth is out of the way.

though its one side of the story, i stand more to gain if things are said as they really are. i gain nothing by posting lies.

@mutter
i would really appreciate if u give me an experienced view on the emotions and situations you passed thru when u left ur ex. do u really think u could have worked it out if u were a little bit more enduring. thank u.

mutter:

The bible says that the sins of the father shall be visited upon the children.
I always found that pretty hard, but it really does happen sometimes. There are many instances of this too.
That does not mean it as to be in every case.
There is simply more to life than meets the eye.
I wonder why I should be labelled as messed up from taking extracts from the bible.

Another Bible Basher in the house. *Shakes HEAD*

@POSTER
Your Husband beat you up while you were two months pregnant and you are still married to him?. . . . Lawd have Mercy

@Poster
Like Mutter said,people you trusted when the things was good would turn against you

And its not easy to get a man to marry mother of three kids,men will onl sleep with you,only if God says you will be lucky to get one

My own advice is for you to pray ernestly to God to see you through,He is the one that can arrange you guys back.

Come to think of it,my dear,honestly if your husby takes good care of your finances,your kids,and says you should not work,
Pls dnt work,why work all because you wanna fulffil your career and make your marriage pay for it,probably because childcare and Omo Odo is cheap in naija,if you were to be in Uk,you will have to pay for childcare from your income even if govt assist with some of it,and other bills,Why dnt you take care of your kids,your home,make your husby happy even if He verbally abuse you,maybe things may turn out to be okay Godwilling,turn deaf hear as if you dnt hear the abuse,Or is it not better to take verbal abuse from ones husby than an outsider,though am not subcribing to abuse of anyform,pls think twice over this issue,dnt let some nairalanders make you feel useless by not working,If your husby can afford the bills even as hes lost his job,why would you disobey him if he says you should not work?its not a bad omen if a married woman is dependent on her husby 100% if shes being provided for.

BTW,Sorry about the state of your daughter,may God heal her in due time,and pls refraine from saying your daughter have to live with a condition for life even if it is,its only God that dnt change okay,God can and will change her situation sooner or later GOD'SWILLING,Amin.

^^ she shouldn't work because her hubby provides for her right?so it's now a sin for a woman to decide that she needs to get a life?

Bia kedi ebe ndi'e anu mpam'a si daputa bikonu? Chukwu nna mere'm ebere.

uplawal:

@Poster
Like Mutter said,people you trusted when the things was good would turn against you

And its not easy to get a man to marry mother of three kids,men will onl sleep with you,only if God says you will be lucky to get one

My own advice is for you to pray ernestly to God to see you through,He is the one that can arrange you guys back.

Come to think of it,my dear,honestly if your husby takes good care of your finances,your kids,and says you should not work,
Pls dnt work,why work all because you wanna fulffil your career and make your marriage pay for it,probably because childcare and Omo Odo is cheap in naija,if you were to be in Uk,you will have to pay for childcare from your income even if govt assist with some of it,and other bills,Why dnt you take care of your kids,your home,make your husby happy even if He verbally abuse you,maybe things may turn out to be okay Godwilling,turn deaf hear as if you dnt hear the abuse,Or is it not better to take verbal abuse from ones husby than an outsider,though am not subcribing to abuse of anyform,pls think twice over this issue,dnt let some nairalanders make you feel useless by not working,If your husby can afford the bills even as hes lost his job,why would you disobey him if he says you should not work?its not a bad omen if a married woman is dependent on her husby 100% if shes being provided for.

BTW,Sorry about the state of your daughter,may God heal her in due time,and pls refraine from saying your daughter have to live with a condition for life even if it is,its only God that dnt change okay,God can and will change her situation sooner or later GOD'SWILLING,Amin.

Very dull comment. Your husband must be bored. Luckily the OP is smarter than the average . Nothing will awaken your senses like a kick in the stomach when you are pregnant and calling you a witch because his fortunes changed. The man may be reaping the fruit of his own wickedness.

@Flak,

What kind of household does your husband come from? Is he from a polygamous family? Or are his parents still together?

@Tewmuch,
Pls show  your own Sharp Comment?

@Jennykadry,A good woman obeys her husband, I dnt say she should not work since her husby provide for her,She may work,but If her husby tells her to stop working,She has to stop,nothing but Stop,even God will be happy with her if she obeys and stop,rather than disobeying her husby,If shes does not lack financially,She should not work as her husby said.

@Flak,keep praying for your husby,take care of your children and  show more love to your husby,except he is not financing you,then you can work,dnt let nairaland break your home,most of these women here are experiencing more hell than you,you've just decided to spill yours to cool your mind.

Flak flak, you’re so lucky. I wish DH could tell me to stop working, I’ll jump at it like a dog that hasn’t eaten for years.

You need to work on communication in your marriage and I’m sure having kids back to back might have affected that.

You said he has a razor mouth, God gave you a gift cos you’re a WOMAN. Like CC said men are big babies and you can make them putty in your hands and the key to winning some not all battles is by using your womanly skills. You need to be one step ahead all the time. If he is being verbally abusive you need to ignore him don’t even say a word until he has calmed down.

I’ve been married 5 years and my DH has the same background as yours i.e. takes care of his family and it can be very difficult when you’re the breadwinner of the family and also if you have your own life to live as well. He has said many times that who else can he take his anger on if not his wife.

Re punctured kidney I don’t buy that, did you see a specialist who confirmed that beating can cause that problem. I pray the Lord gives you strength to overcome all your marital problems.

Have a weekend away from the kids and spend time with one another, it’s a wakeup call.

Did I regret leaving my husband and how was it being divorced?

At first I was relieved that I left him and I felt it was worth all the struggles I went through. To make matters worse, that was when I simply took my kids and left the country because I wanted a clean cut, distance so that nothing could get me back to him.
At that point I was angry and hurt with him.
But as the years went by, we became friends and could talk with each other normally.
The last time I saw my ex when he visited it was a terrible experience. He is still so much in love with me, he cried and told me he never understood what came over him. I left him not because i stopped loving him but because I could not endure the beating and abuse any longer. The feeling was so painful for me.
The bad thing about it was that my husband and his wife noticed. But I know in my heart that I could never be happy with him.
Sometimes I regret leaving him, not just because I loved him but also because I regret even leaving Nigeria and my whole life there behind.
I am so mixed up on this issue I cannot give you a clear answer.
Sometime I feel so bad that things did not work out between us.
But God gave me a kind and gentle man this time. A man that has stood by me and comforted me. And I really do love my husband, e is like a father, a brother, a friend. He is everything to me. With him I have the emotional security I never had before.
Flak I could never have made that marriage work. according to my ex, he said his family confessed that they went to all lengths to break us up because they felt he would leave them for me.
The things that man did to me were inhuman.
He raped me when my baby was just a day old. He would insist on examining me physically to see if I had cheated on him when I came home, would even sometimes drag me to the doctor to test me. He was bringing in women into our home and sleeping with them there. On several occasions I came home to meet a girl in his room and used condoms. And he was beating me almost every day.

Kai you saw real hell,thats worth divorcing,dnt ever regret leaving him okay.

Some men sha