BB there is no communicaton on the man's part at all. This man should be spending alot of time talking to his wife and not his mother or prophets. The dude derives pleasure in confiding in an outsider than in his own wife.  Of he has the time to chat shyt with his mum then he should have that time to chat with his wife.

Yes I know communication can be verbal and non verbal i.e people communicate with body gestures or facial expressions alot of time. I am really not a morning person and when I wake up I tell my husband good morning by stroking his bald head or squeezing his shoulders,some kiss their spouses, some actually get the words out and stuffs but That is my own way of saying good morning.

For communication to be successful and message passed across both parties have to sit down and talk, let go of your own needs for once and listen to the other persons and then jam eachother in the middle. When one party stubbornly says . . . . . '' This is going to happen my way, it's either you do it or forget about this marriage'' that to me is not the real communication but more like given unnecessary ultimatumn or instructions. Communication should be all about sharing ideas, giving your own opinion, being allowed to express yourself without being judged or told to shuush. When ultimatums start coming into a marriage then it's hitting the rocks and then there is a gap and a huge bridge in the communication part because you know your spouse will not listen to you even if you start talking from now till tomorrow. It is either his way or your forget it.

His mum, I wouldn't call her names but a decent, responsible and loving mum should have kicked her son's backside when he came over to her place to complain. That woman needs to get the hell out of that marriage and allow these young couple enjoy their marriage. Since he goes to her alot she should have sat her son down and told him to kick his balls with his hands and go sort out things with his family. God forbid this be my portion but honestly it would get to a time when I was just kick his mum out of my house and carry my things waka away for sometime. That woman is causing more harm than good. Her son is being a jackazz. She's lived her life and should allow these people live their own lives.

That man needs to stop talking to third parties and face his wife. And that was why I asked the question : IS HE WILLING AND READY TO? is he willing to tell every hazardous third party ingrates in his life to fcukkkkk off whilst he gets on the same page with his wife?

This woman cannot change him, she cannot make the decision for him, he's got to do it himself. Male infants grow up to be come baby boys, Baby boys grow up to become BigBoys , big boys grow up to become MEN. Her husband is still far from becoming a MAN.

WHo are these people writing text books on NL?


When do you have time to su-c-k dycks?

fstranger3:


You can call me anytime.

I will pick up your call. I dont sleep anyway

Whats your phone number, s'ooko

. . .omo somo, omo ribire, omo abileowo rebi ile akui Who are you

Ileke-IdI:

@ dayo
Whatever. Annoying.
I'm going to ignore you until you calm down.

Iyalode, tiyin gan ga.

I love the two men I have already. Greet them for me

Oh gosh, this is like a dagger to my heart thought we made a love covenant not to completely switch to the other side

What am I gonna do without those soft, pliant, succulent lips Or is it the sensuous mesmerising piercing slanted eyes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

get thee behind me satan I surrender all, i surrender all, unto thee my blessed Saviour . . .

Iyalode,

Sigh. Wetin I go do with you sha?
I missed you sha. . .

Busy_body:


. . .omo somo, omo ribire, omo abileowo rebi ile akui Who are you

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Dont want to derail this thread any further. At least you have an idea.


Anyhoo, whats your phone number?

jennykadry:

BB there is no communicaton on the man's part at all. This man should be spending alot of time talking to his wife and not his mother or prophets. The dude derives pleasure in confiding in an outsider than in his own wife.  Of he has the time to chat shyt with his mum then he should have that time to chat with his wife.

Yes I know communication can be verbal and non verbal i.e people communicate with body gestures or facial expressions alot of time. I am really not a morning person and when I wake up I tell my husband good morning by stroking his bald head or squeezing his shoulders,some kiss their spouses, some actually get the words out and stuffs but That is my own way of saying good morning.

Jenny, if you read her posts again, you will see where she keeps mentioning she has her faults too, and this can be expanded to include keeping quiet too long enough for the man to think she sees no problem being an housewife. They don't have communication issues, tis just wires getting crossed. If you asked the Hubby his side of the story, he would tell you she just suddenly changed, which she too mentioned was triggered by some incident - either the baby's health condition or the fact he beat her whilst pregnant. That part was partly addressed to Sisi-kill's post, just didn't wanna be quoting them long posts because of the spambot.

jennykadry:


For communication to be successful and message passed across both parties have to sit down and talk, let go of your own needs for once and listen to the other persons and then jam eachother in the middle. When one party stubbornly says . . . . . '' This is going to happen my way, it's either you do it or forget about this marriage'' that to me is not the real communication but more like given unnecessary ultimatumn or instructions. Communication should be all about sharing ideas, giving your own opinion, being allowed to express yourself without being judged or told to shuush. When ultimatums start coming into a marriage then it's hitting the rocks and then there is a gap and a huge bridge in the communication part because you know your spouse will not listen to you even if you start talking from now till tomorrow. It is either his way or your forget it.

This is why the bit about keeping a line open comes in. Previously, they have both not been seeing eye to eye or be tolerant towards one another, but now they have the chance so should grab it with both hands and take the bull by the horn

jennykadry:


His mum, I wouldn't call her names but a decent, responsible and loving mum should have kicked her son's backside when he came over to her place to complain. That woman needs to get the hell out of that marriage and allow these young couple enjoy their marriage. Since he goes to her alot she should have sat her son down and told him to kick his balls with his hands and go sort out things with his family. God forbid this be my portion but honestly it would get to a time when I was just kick his mum out of my house and carry my things waka away for sometime. That woman is causing more harm than good. Her son is being a jackazz. She's lived her life and should allow these people live their own lives.

That man needs to stop talking to third parties and face his wife. And that was why I asked the question : IS HE WILLING AND READY TO? is he willing to tell every hazardous third party ingrates in his life to fcukkkkk off whilst he gets on the same page with his wife?

This woman cannot change him, she cannot make the decision for him, he's got to do it himself. Male infants grow up to be come baby boys, Baby boys grow up to become BigBoys , big boys grow up to become MEN. Her husband is still far from becoming a MAN.

I don't dispute the fact that the Hubby was wrong to invite some Prophet to his marital home but he had every right to tell his Mum following this incidence as he could run mental if he kept such in. And of course Mummy has to be kept abreast of the news that "wifey is refusing to go for exorcism", etc so that people can brainstorm.

Ileke-IdI:

Iyalode,

Sigh. Wetin I go do with you sha?
I missed you sha. . .

Of course I miss you boo, and what else do you wanna do wiv me other than take me back and heal this broken heart of mine you trampled on earlier

fstranger3:

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Dont want to derail this thread any further. At least you have an idea.


Anyhoo, whats your phone number?

I don't want to have any idea especially those alongs the lines of "we are related", I am not gonna allow a blue blood hot catch like you slip from my grasp, lai lai, ewo orisa Ara mi ti wa lona, all those e-lovers of mine be okobos jare, can't wait to ravish and devour you, its  been a loooog time coming


Who or what is Ileke-idi Ain't that those beads those local ras people tie round their waist, yuck


I know sabi why my oko-iyawo dey commot my email addy from my profile everytime, o ga, and to think na this kain possessiveness we dey talk about

Oh really? he has a right to report his wife to his mother everytime? seriously? I can imagine Mr Kadry reporting me to his mum everytime I fcuukkkk up or calling his mum to come over and witness the meeting between wife and hubby? . Seriously BB getting his mum involved is a no no. Mothers will always try to protect the interest of their children whether that person is right or wrong.

Going to his mother is very wrong.

Busy_body:


Of course I miss you boo, and what else do you wanna do wiv me other than take me back and heal this broken heart of mine you trampled on earlier
I don't want to have any idea especially those alongs the lines of "we are related", I am not gonna allow a blue blood hot catch like you slip from my grasp, lai lai, ewo orisa Ar[b]a mi ti wa lona, all those e-lovers of mine be okobos jare, can't wait to ravish and devour you,[/b] its  been a loooog time coming
Who or what is Ileke-idi Ain't that those beads those local ras people tie round their waist, yuck

By the time me sef handle those DDs Dk was referring to earlier, and move down south, you sef go know say THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD.  

Cant wait.  ONe last w/a/n/k to your profile pic before I go to bed

I know sabi why my oko-iyawo dey commot my email addy from my profile everytime, o ga, and to think na this kain possessiveness we dey talk about Cool

hehehe, why not now?
The person wey own that body no go wan possess am for himself?

Razz people? Look at you and fstranger. . . . na who razz pass?

And ofcourse she's got her own faults too. And yes she has kept quiet for too long allowing him have his way and now that she has decided to make a life out of life itself it has become a problem for him. There were communicating before if not she wouldn't have quit her job and stayed jobless for years just for peace to reign.

I do not support her hubby going to his mum everytime he has issues with his wife. One question sef: wat exactly has his mum done to help them resolve this issue atleast for the sake of her grand kids?

jennykadry:

Oh really? he has a right to report his wife to his mother everytime? seriously? I can imagine Mr Kadry reporting me to his mum everytime I fcuukkkk up or calling his mum to come over and witness the meeting between wife and hubby? . Seriously BB getting his mum involved is a no no. Mothers will always try to protect the interest of their children whether that person is right or wrong.

Going to his mother is very wrong.

This was no ordinary reporting, Jenny if dem tell you say your man be winshi, you no go tell somebody, you nor go run as fast as your legs can carry you Abi you don tey for obodo oyinboland sotay you don turn to oyinbo themselves who always wants to investigate such instead of running in the opposite direction

fstranger3:

By the time me sef handle those DDs Dk was referring to earlier, and move down south, you sef go know say THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD.  

Cant wait.  ONe last w/a/n/k to your profile pic before I go to bed

Ha okunrin

O ti nyama

Ileke-IdI:

hehehe, why not now?
The person wey own that body no go wan possess am for himself?

Razz people? Look at you and fstranger. . . . na who razz pass?

God does not like that, there is love in sharing, will need to have a word with him if he wants to make heaven


Na ileke-idi razz pass

BB it's not about complaining, a family member should be the last person this guy should go to in a case like this and of all people to tell ya mama? Mamas that can be very sentimental?Ok now that it's been confirmed she's no witch which eye now will the family use to look at her now?

@bb i think the least thing i should worry about is if he wants a second wife. just like dayokanu said sometime ago, selfpreservation is the most important thing in life. i really want to get myself back. too much negativity around.

since he has chosen to be a big baby,and hence cant make decisions i will make my own decisions. i think i gave shown enough maturity by refraining to involve my folks and i am still willing to show more restraint for as long as the separation lasts to give him time to think maturedly for once.

the ball is in court,whatever he  chooses to do, goodluck to both of us.

.

@Flak,you sound much more sure and confident abt your self/decision now,and its  awesome,Remain strong babez!

What abt the kids?what provisions have u guys made for them?has he come back to talk after the sms?

Has he hit or abused u verbally since he got this new job/after his earlier repentance?

Where wud u be staying while doing this soul searching?Deep down do u think u are ready for divorce(assuming it gets to that)?One has to be prepared u know.You might be shocked to come back with the hope of "making it work" to meet closed door,divorce papers and another woman.

LOL@Railway gang .As usual, cheating,eating balls,snatching husbands and touching down.
Dayo your cup down full.Wait for me.

..

ify and cc i get what u are saying.

think about this. who says while i am busy being a nervous wreck in his house, he cant walk into the house with another woman or what law is stopping him in our Nigeria.

the simple point i am trying to make him realise is this: he should look beyond his ego and self and lets work things out as a couple rather than bringing people to bully me and think my self esteem will be destroyed by his negative remarks. NO. life is a risk ,i think i have to stand for something.

I dont have to work for anybody, with my qualification i could start my own firm,i have a licence to practice and employ others. create a flexible work schedule for myself. for heavens sake, he wont just listen to anytin.

he should keep thinking,right now i want to feel like a normal person not a soldier on the war front. afterall i have been thru so much stress, let me pamper myself a little if he would not do it. Even divorce takes a bit of time, its possible our adrenaline has cooled off before then.

@OP, you have a very very insecure husband, kapish. That's just about the only problem you have in your life right now. One thing is certain you can never never ever solve this problem for him, but unfortunately I am not even sure how are you going to solve the problem you have that I've just mentioned in my first line for your own sake, very unfortunate.

There's three kids involved right now, this is going to be a mountain to get over. I wish you the best of luck.

Your husband simply needs professional help to work on his self esteem and insecurities. Until he forgets issues of culture and religion he is still going to f^*k up a lot of things trying to hold on to beliefs that are not building him in any way and already breaking his first marriage.

There is nothing wrong in you seeking a job, and in fact I'll take your fathers side on this one by all means. Your father sounds more of a man than your husband will ever be and with 3 kids I'd move in with my father. Your husband is baaad news, period. He needs to grow up. I hope he buys himself a bit of civilization with his first pay cheque from the new job.

Anything cheap will be good for him cos I have no doubt he needs some change to buy himself some balls too, nonsense mxceeewww!! 

Just because you can get a job and earn a salary it ddoesn'tmake you all the man. Everybody can do it nowadays, nothing special. But your character and grace is everything (the s#!t money cant buy and control, and no one can ever take away from you) . Please tell him I said that, cosigned by your father.

If you were my sister you would have looong left this sorry arse bugger or you and I would not be on speaking terms, cos I cant stand people who are capable of putting themselves through such mediocre.

Sorry I don'tmean to be harsh, just true talk. I wasn't going to write so much since a lot has been said by NLders but as I was writing I found this pretty annoying.

flak:

ify and cc i get what u are saying.

think about this. who says while i am busy being a nervous wreck in his house, he cant walk into the house with another woman or what law is stopping him in our Nigeria.

the simple point i am trying to make him realise is this: he should look beyond his ego and self and lets work things out as a couple rather than bringing people to bully me and think my self esteem will be destroyed by his negative remarks. NO. life is a risk ,i think i have to stand for something.

I dont have to work for anybody, with my qualification i could start my own firm,i have a licence to practice and employ others. create a flexible work schedule for myself. for heavens sake, he wont just listen to anytin.

he should keep thinking,right now i want to feel like a normal person not a soldier on the war front. afterall i have been thru so much stress, let me pamper myself a little if he would not do it. Even divorce takes a bit of time, its possible our adrenaline has cooled off before then.

Flak,

Know that in all these I support you fully.

He should carry his insecurity somewhere else.

Ifyalways, Wetin i do you again? 7 rounds no do you? Wetin go remain for odunnu and Ujujoan? You too like amu sef

I tend to agree with Dayokanu a lot of the times, but i disagree with his stance in Uju's friend's case, she was married to him according to Igbo customs, the rest were mere formalities, so she was not a mugu or a cheap LovePeddler. Although commonsense should have kicked in when the guy first told her it was over and handed her back to her parents, and then having the nerve to demand for the brideprice he already paid, tufiakwa, that man will be yekini-less by the time I am through with him


Like I said earlier, Naija marriages na do or die affair where women are reduced to glorified wombs, it was even better in our father's times, at least they snuck around and tried to hide it when they wanted to cheat, unlike now that these men of our generation act recklessly with inpunity and no sense of remorse whatsoever, making it feel like they did you a favour by marrying you and for this honour, women have to serve and worship them for the rest of their lives


I blame the women especially our Mothers for not knowing their worth and our worth and raising dysfunctional children in violent abusive homes, who grow up and history starts repeating itself. One thing I have learnt over the years is that a man that wants to misbehave and stray will misbehave regardless of the woman's temperament and attitude, and the same man's senses can start to function properly once again enough to make him sit up and start loving his wife again, whether the wife is the submissive type or return fire-for-fire type, so I don't get where all this "ladies you have to mollycuddle him to death whilst you forget your own emotion, feeling, need to be loved, etc and forget that you are human" ish is coming from oh


No one is saying women should start demanding 50-50 in relationships and marriages, but Nigerian women need to grow some backbone men. Read some story in the papers today how some Indian women went to burn one beer making factory because they were fed up of complaining to the Government that their Husbands were turning into drunkards and neglecting them, and the Government was doing nothing about it, lol Ladies after my own heart i say

+1000, especially to the bolded.

I want to preface this by saying I mean no offense to anyone on this thread, just want to add my two shiles.

I’ve been following this topic since the OP first started and decided to stay out of it because. . . well because in the matter of marriage and whatnot I’m still a novice. However I’ve noticed a reoccurring theme that concerns me and it's this Communication is the key answer that people keep dropping.

Now I’m not saying communication doesn’t work, I just don’t think it works all the time. One of the first things they teach you in any communications 101 class is that for it to be effective, you must know your audience. From knowing your audience, you can decide how to communicate or if even communication is warranted at all.

Another thing they’ll teach you is the basic rules for effective communication in any interpersonal relationship. . .
1) it is respectful.
2) It is quantitative.
3) It is a two way street
4) It digs deep for more insight
5) It is HONEST.

Based on the above, can we honestly say there’s room for effective communication in the situation OP has described? I mean how do you communicate with someone who verbally abuses you at every turn? How do you communicate with someone who spends more time talking to other people about his marriage than he does with the person in the marriage with him? How do you communicate with someone who believes their word is law, someone who thinks your opinions don’t matter? How do you communicate with someone who doesn’t think he has to answer your questions or concerns? How do you communicate with someone who changes his mind willy nillyingly and just expects you to kowtow to it? In short. . . . HOW DO YOU COMMUNICATE WITH AN UNREASONABLE PERSON? HOW?!!!!

Despite everything he’s done sef, we can see OP is still her best to communicate with him. . . sadly, it is a waste of time because dude isn’t stepping up to the plate and playing his part to get the communication process going. . . until he does, OP might as well be communicating with a rock.

So please, let’s cut out the canned, little house on the prairie, Leave it to Beaver type responses and start getting real here.

very true. this is why i think this trial separation is a good idea. both of them need some time and space so they (mainly he) can figure out how to get to the point where they can communicate effectively.

Flak what is going on now? Any updates.