₦airaland Forum

NezerLawren:
Av been dey follow ur write up since 1759BC...
Now I gotta make mai for comment in here...
U killt man...

Frm MAN WEY DEY REASON to IBO BOY WEY LIKE YORUBA and nw to dis...

Hope u sha no dey do LOOT101 and LOOT 102 again sha

I knw say Jesus go don take over ur life

More petrol to ur elbow jor... Bt no smoke igboh dere sha make ur elbow no burn o

STILL U FLOW and STILL I FOLLOW

Thank you!

Dantee005:
Following.....(i hav voted o....!)#225

thanks. pls tell ur friends to do the same

grooga:
Floweyto..... u bad gan.
Nice story, full of humour. I bet you can write a good story that involves fictitious characters. Unlike most of your fellow writers whose stories begins and ends with personal experience.
Keep the good work going, kudos and remain blessed.

God bless you

silverdam:
flow1759 bro please I'm begging for your permission to copy your story on my blog. Ibo Boy Wey Like Yoruba, please bro, I love that story. I will surely credit you as the writer. Please say yes flow1759

I say NO!

ERF:
Wow... It has been juicy all through oo.

Brother Flow, Nice one oo. Thanks for this piece anyway, it was really entertaining and worth following.Thanks for your time too. It's a sacrifice you'know.

So let's negotiate now, when is your next piece coming up?

RIP Brother Wale.

HBD SB!

Very soon i will write another mind blowing piece, I promise, lemme compile the piece bits by bits first.

But my fans make una try vote for my story so i go win. Jor! Abeg una. Check my signature. Godbless.

Wale Ajibade died 11th December 2000 (SB's birthday), killed by gang member Red loaf.

Seyi Ajibade a first class graduate of OAU is now serving here in Port Harcourt. He owns a conglomerate of business here in Port Harcourt and in Osun State.

Christiana married an Igbo trader from Onitsha.

The activities in this story unfolded between 12th November 1996 and 11th December 2000. And the story is true life.

Happy birthday Seyi bobo! Rest in peace Brother Wale.

STILL I FLOW

The End

girlhaley:
Lol.......


Update oo

There you go

Dear Moderators CC Obinnau Ishilove, i would love this story to make frontpage tomorrow as requested by my friend SB (the reason for this story) whose birthday is tomorrow. Thank you!

“guy which course them give you” I asked Debo as we rested waiting for our turn while we played football early December - the best period to play football in the tarred road.

“Na further maths oh!” He answered.

“you say wetin?” I heard him in the first place.

"I say further maths"

“Hahahahahaha! How them go give you further maths make you study?”

“why you dey laugh?” Debo wasn’t happy at all.

“You which course them give you?” he asked me.

“mehn me na Biochemistry oh!” I answered.

“aaah! That na correct course na!” He said, ”which school be that?”

“Omoh na OAU oh!”

“That na correct school na!”



“Brother how e go be na?” I asked brother Wale that evening, “how will we do it na? I need to start my registration oh”

“see omo ile iwe, the money for your registration and school fees is not available yet”

“I no dey for that one oh, me I wan go school oh! Shebi you don go school graduate, you no want make I go school” I complained.

“Don’t worry you must go that school! Don’t worry you here? I assure you! even if it will cost me my blood”

“Brother registration has already started oh!”

“when did registration start?” He asked.

“It started two months ago oh! And they have already started lectures”

“Don’t worry, you will start your own registration next week Monday” He assured.

“See your mouth like next week Monday, when today na Friday! How e wan take happen?”

All things are possible to those that believe, they say, I couldn’t even imagine it, not to talk of believing it.





“where did Brother Wale go to this night? Me I can not sleep in this house alone oooh!” I sat outside with mosquitoes as my company.


I thought I heard someone entered the house late at night, or was I dreaming?

“shift for me let me sleep!” The person was brother Wale.

Where on earth was he coming from at such dead hours of the night? I asked myself. His recent friendship with Brother Luku and Brother Red loaf saw him coming home late every night. What was the three of them up to? What? I promised myself I would find out.


“Wake up lazy boy!” Brother Wale woke me up early the following morning with a loud slap.

“Brother I have finished secondary school na” Incase he needed me said more.

“I want us to talk!” He said.

Since the death of Baami and Maami, Brother Wale and I haven’t had a tete a tete and talked like the real men we were. I had wanted to talk with him all the time but he would prefer his knuckles talked with my head as to a knock.

“Now listen to me attentively, listen very well” He noted.

“Ok Brother! I hope there is no problem?” I sat on the bed by his side.

“there is no problem, in fact there is good news!”

“Eheeen! Will I be resuming on Monday as you promised?” I couldn’t wait to hear the good news.

“Yes you will not only be resuming on Monday, you will not be poor again!” He announced.

“Really! How?”

“Now listen, Luku is dead! I killed him!”

“Wooooo! What!” I jumped up.

“Will you sit down? Sit down?” He yelled at me.

“Brother why na! Why did you kill him?”

He brought out a suitcase from underneath the bed and said; “I killed him because I want to have this money alone, i did it for you”

For the past few weeks I came to realize Brother Wale was real good friends with Red loaf and Luku; I mean very very good friends. I also realized there was one part of the house Brother Wale refused me sweeping every morning; under the bed.

“Come and see money!” He beckoned.

“wwoooooooa! Owo oooooooh!” My both hands was at the back of my head fidgeting.

“Ssshhhhhhh!”

“This is three million naira, take it! It’s yours” He offered.

“How brother?” I moved back.

“Will you take it!!” He yelled.

“But its not my money na!”

“take it! Its yours now! You will be using it for your school”

“Brother!”

“Seyi take this money, pack your bags, leave this house, go to a far place maybe Osun state where your school is, start life afresh” He handed the suit case to me.

“But brother why? Why did you join Luku and Red loaf to rob?”

“Forget about that one now and do I as I say”

“But if I leave what about you? Where will you go to?"

“Don’t worry about me! there comes a time in a man's life when he has to carry his cross alone, if anybody asks you about me give them this! Tell them I was a soldier that died in an already won battle” He handed over a sheet of paper to me.

I opened the sheet of paper, and it read:

IN THE EVENT OF MY DEMISE
In the event of my demise, in case I don’t see tomorrow
In case I go to see the creator
In case I die
Tell the world I won so many wars,
Tell them I was a drum major for justice,
I am legend.


In the event of my demise,
Tell the world I fell in love with death,
Tell them I lived my life to the fullest,
Tell them I couldn’t see tomorrow,
I am legend and I will always be.


And to my love ones alive; two of you,
You are the best
I love you like I love myself,
If somebody ask you both who I was, say that I was a trailblazer
Don’t you tell them I had a degree in English language, that’s not important,
Don’t you tell them I was a poor boy living in leaking house with my younger brother, that’s not important.
Don’t tell them I did so many bad things, that’s not important.
I want you tell them that I lived a committed life for others.
In the event of my demise.


“Oooh Brother Wale!” I soaked the paper with my tears.

“In fact I don’t want you to go with any luggage so no one will suspect, i have put the money in this Ghana must go bag, Go! Go! Go!”

kayspark27:
flow abeg no vex o
..shebi u b comedian ...lols dis is funny.,,kip it up

Yes I am a comedian, but not stand up comedian sha, i be comic writer.

You wan promote me?

where is texanomaly?

Melancholy:
Flowey, naija all time comic writer, u own the braggy right! *fact*

Thank you!

PS: You don vote https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/

“Guy you don go check your result?” Yemi asked me on the night I had running stomach.

“I never check oh!” I said, “you don check?”

“No oh I never check, make we go check am tomorrow na!”

“Guy I dey fear ooh”

“You dey fear wetin?” I was unaware Brother Wale was listening.

“I dey mad? Why I go fear? I no dey fear ohh!”

“Okay since you are not scared, I will give you money to buy the scratch card, and I want you to check it tomorrow” The Commander had spoken.

“Guy I dey fear oh! I fit fail maths oh!” I whispered to Yemi.

“hahahahahaha! Shebi that day wey we dey write maths you go dey sleep!”






“Guy shebi I tell you say make we no come this cyber café? You too s’tubborn”

“Why you no want make we check our result here? Shey na because Tolani my sister dey work here?” We stood at the front of the cyber café.

“No! no be because of that, I no like this cyber café, people go see the result com dey laugh person”

“E no mean na! We go pass na! And if we pass and our result make sense people go tell us congratulation” Yemi said, “Them fit even dash us money sef”

“them go dash us money say wetin happen? Na them be our papa?”

“Make we enter na?”

“Guy you enter first!” I adjusted my curtain-material shirt and washed my lips with my tongue so my crush would be attracted to my “red lip”, Cliff lip I mean to say.

“SB, What happened to your lip?” Tolani was just seeing it for the first time.

“Ok Dog! Dog bite me” The scar from Brother Wale’s death and resurrection still remained.

“Hahahahahahahaha! Dog! You and Dog sef?” She laughed remembering the other day.

“Tolani we are here to check our result” Yemi said.

“Ooooh! Finally you want to check your result now” I never knew Yemi was also scared of failure.

The internet connection was so fast but my heart beat was faster.

“Thou art worthy O Lord, Worthy O Lord……………………… To receive Glory honour and power………………………………… For Thou art created all things are for thy plessure…………………… They are and were created……………………… Thou art worthy Lord…………………”

“SB this one wey you dey sing so, are we safe?” Yemi the wide mouth.

“Make I no sing again? Make I no praise God?”

“hahahahahahaha! SB don’t mind him jor, praise God”

In my heart of heart I had concluded that should Yemi score a C in mathematics, I had failed the subject, but should he score a B or an A in the subject, then I was safe.

“Yemi you try oh!” His result was out.

“Really? What did he score in Mathematics?” I couldn't see the computer screen from where i sat.

“Come see am na!” Yemi was all smiles.

“You no fit tell me! Abi you wound for mouth?” My blood pressure escalated.

“I get C5 for maths ooh!” He said.

“Really! Make I see am!” I stood up from where I sat.

What I saw was “Chicken Boy Chicken Boy Chicken Boy”. Chicken Boy was a slang said to refer to a result full of C’s and B’s. Earlier Tolani had shown I and Yemi her result which was “Aba Aba Aba Aba Aba”. Aba was another slang said to refer to a result full of A’s and B’s. I remember when I brought home a “Father Francis Fried Five Fresh Fishes for Five Friends Form France” result home.

I was in SS2 then, it was first term. Maami died a month to our exam, and the trauma of losing a loving mother made me detested my books. I slept in all the exam papers especially in mathematics.

When we were given our result I was smiling not expecting what I saw; I mean I knew I would fail but not that kind of failure.

“SB make we see your result na” Kpobo said.

“Why you wan see my result? Make I see your own first”

“See my own na!” He showed me.

“Oboy your result na Deede Deede Deede” I said.

Deede was yet another slang said to refer to a result full of D’s and E’s; the "Sir" kind of result - and of course you and I know Deede is Igbo language means “Sir”.

Deede result wasn’t far in hierarchy when compared to Father Francis result, or so I thought, so I showed Kpobo my result.

“Guy this your result na Father Francis Fried Five Fresh Fishes for Five Friends From France” Kpobo tongue twisted.

“You mean am!” Kolawole Joined.

“You, e concern you? Make we see your own?”

“See my own na!” Kolawole showed us his result.

“Efcc Efcc Efcc Efcc” was it.

There was no way I would had shown Brother Wale the Father Francis result when i got home, no way!

When I got home……………

“I heard you collected your result today, Can I see it” Brother Wale asked.

“Result! They did not give me result oh!”

“Why?” He stared right at my eyes.

“Why?”

“No Zee! Why didn’t they give you result?” He yelled.

“Because………………… Because………………… Because……………………” Liars cross.

“Because what?” He raised his voice.

“Because I owe toilet money” Lie established.

“And how much is this toilet money?” He asked.

“One thousand naira” I answered.

“One thousand naira is too much for toilet money na!”

“Brother they said I s’hit too much in the boys toilet, that is why”








If Yemi could score C5 in mathematics, then I lost hope.

“SB bring your own scratch card let us check your result!” Tolani said.

“Me?”

“Yes you na!”

“Me? I did not come here to check any result oh, I just escorted Yemi here”

“Don’t mind him oh, we came together to check our results, in fact his scratch card is with me!” Over-joyous Yemi offered his sister my scratch card.

“SB come and see your result!” Tolani announced.

“My result? I don’t want it, take it I dash you!” And everyone in the café laughed.

“Come I see it na!” And I was walking out of the café.

“SB where you dey go?” Yemi asked.

“Make person no piss again? I wan go piss!”

“Don’t worry I will help him print it!” I heard Tolani said as I walked out.

“Print am for yourself! Or use the paper go buy suya!” I whispered.


“God I know say I be sinner, I know say I be expert for lie, I know say I no dey read my book, Baba abeg I no wan fail…………………… If I pass this WAEC with Six credit I promise you say I go dey go church everyday” I said a short prayer.

“If I piss this piss finish I go go up go collect my result, anyhow wey dey result be I go take am like that” I pledged.

“eeeh! I never even zip down oh” I had peed on my trouser; about one litre of pee.

My trouser seemed like it was designed by a clothing company called “Wet Soul” as it was wet all through the upper half.

“Guy wetin wet your trouser na? You piss for body?” I met Yellow on my way upstairs.

“Which kin talk be that one? How I go piss for body, I be small pikin? Na one woman pour me pure water by mistake oh”

“You sure?”

“I sure na? Why I go dey lie for you! Make I carry you go see the woman?”

“No, forget that one abeg! You don check your result?”

“Yes oh! My result dey up dey wait me”

“You pass?”

“I never see the result oh, But I know say I go pass”


“SB see your result!” Yemi handed over a paper to me.

English C4, Biology C5, French E8, Economics C6, Chemistry C4, Physics C5, Igbo Language E8, Geography C6,…………………………………

“Where maths na?” I asked myself.

Mathematics C6…………………………… “Ope ooooh!” I yelled. My I had invented another slang to describe exam result; "Cece Winas"

“Ope ooooh! I pass maths oh!” I jumped.

“SB!” Tolani called; I thought she wanted to congratulate me for my success.

“ehnnnnnn Tolani love!”

“Why is your trouser wet?” She asked.

“Okay, it rained outside”

girlhaley:
Lolzzz......


Brother wale have deading


Ayaf laff tire here

Please we need more sir

No be small deading!

Dear fans, All i want for Christmas is your votes.

To those that have not voted yet, its simple, just click the "love sign" at the bottom of the page that appears when you click this link: https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/

Thank you!

STILL I FLOW

Despirado121:
I luv dis tori die. U're d bst joor. Carry on d boss

Thank you!

“Brother Wale wake up na!” I ran helter-skelter. It was getting very late, the street was deserted that night, maybe it was because it rained earlier, or it was because a Lion had gone to the grave beyond. Or maybe not.

“Brother Wale!” Yemi joined me from nowhere.

“Yemi come make we carry am!” I beckoned.

“Guy see blood for your mouth

“Yes na, na that b’astard Luku, as I dey pursue am na naso I fall for ground, him dog com fall on top my body, as me and the dog dey fight for ground naso the dog bite me for mouth oh!” I had hit my leg on stone while chasing Luku. Trill and I fought unending until I won the fight albeit losing my upper lip.

“Guy the blood plenty oh! Your mouth go fall comot oh”

“Leave am!” I supported the falling lip with my hand.


“Guy carry am well na!” We drag our foot.

They say corpse are always heavy, brother Wale was so so heavy, “carry am well na!” I urged.

“I dey carry am well na!”

“okay keep am down!” We were close to Kpomoh junction.

“Brother Wale why you leave me go?” I could hear he was still breathing yet i thought he was dead.

“Him never die!” Yemi assured.

“Him never die – why him no com dey talk?”

“Him go wake up, no worry!” My prayer for Yemi at that point was that he should lose one of his brothers and he would know how it feels losing an only brother.

“Him go wake up abi? I don pour am water tayah for him face, why him no wake up?” I was crying blood.



“Hey! Who are those?” I heard as we continued carrying the dead body of Brother Wale.

“yeah! SB! Police! Olokpa! We have deading!”

“Yemi! Which one be we have deading again? Hahahahahahaha!” I couldn't help but to laughed.

“Hey! Who is laughing?”

“Nobody sir!” My upper lip almost fell off.

“ehnn! What are you carry?” We met again, Edward.

“what are we carry? We are carry Brother Wale” I answered.

“Ooooh I see! You are money ritual abi?”

“Me? Money ritual? No oh! He is my brother!” The cool breeze the bushes around could offer dried my sweat.

“And why is blood in your mouth?” He beamed the light on my face.

“This thing in his mouth is not blood sir!” Yemi said.

“then what is it?” Sergeant Edward cracked his gun.

“Answer am na!” I eyeballed Yemi.

“eheeen! Talk na, what is it?” He yelled.

“Don’t mind him sir, it is Watermelon and Zobo, I ate Watermelon and Zobo not too long ago” I almost said.

“So you this small boys are already money ritual!” At some point in my life when Brother Wale maltreated me, I felt like using him for money ritual but not that night.

“Sir! I need your help here sir!” I looked at Sergeant Edward's head in his shadow as he stood on attention and I saw that his “head” was really a “ward”; a hospital ward, or maybe bigger.

“Eheen! What is happening here?” Officer Tunde said.

“sir this boys are money rituals” Edward announced.

“really!” Officer Tunde beamed the light on my face, and then on Yemi's, and back to mine.

“Sir we are not money rituals oooh!” I confessed, “This man is my elder brother”

“And what happened to your mouth?” He asked.

“It’s Dog! Dog bite my mouth”

“Dog bite your mouth, and where are you going to with this body?” Officer Tunde asked.

“Sir he has refused to wake up oh, and I want to carry him home, I think he is dead”

“Dead! What happened to his head?”

“Someone break bottle on his head” I thought I saw Brother Wale’s eyes winked as Officer Tunde beamed the light on his face.

“are you sure he is dead?”

“Sir I think so, I have poured water on him and he did not wake up”

“Have you tried kissing him?” He asked.

“Kiss?”

“Yes kiss! Kiss of life”

If there was one person I never dreamed of kissing even if a gun was put to my head, Brother Wale was that person; his mouth always smelled like our soak-away whenever he smokes weed and whenever he ate Suya too. Trust me, he ate Suya that night; few minutes before Luku showed up.

“I know you!” Officer Tunde said.

“I know you too! I gave you the Muringad that night” Moringad sounded like Spanish to me.

“Moringa! You still have some more?” He asked.

“No ooh!”

“As if my mama na dealer of moringa” I said to myself.

“Are you ready for the kiss of life?” Officer Tunde listened to Brother Wale’s breath.

“Sir his mouth don spoil, let me kiss the kiss of life!” Yemi volunteered.

"no wonder! you resemble g'ay sef!" I almost said.

“Don’t worry I will kiss the kiss” Officer Tunde said.

“Okay sir, God will bless your mouth as you kiss” I almost said.

The sight of a man kissing a man really disgusted; I felt like throwing up.

“Sir no swallow him spit oh” Sergeant Headward said.

“cohoooo cohooo!” I heard someone coughed.

“Oooh! Brother Wale is alive!” I saw him moved.

“Brother Wale is alive!” Yemi hugged me.

“guy which kind hug be this, shey I be woman? Abeg leave me jor!” I pushed him off, seeing moments later that the warmness the hug offered had stood my d’ick. Don’t blame me, The last time a male not to talk of female hugged me was in 1759BC.

The only one I needed to hug at that point was Brother Wale.

“Brother Wale you are alive!” I hugged him.

“Thank God am alive! What is chuking me in my leg?” He asked.

“I think It's my p’rick” I almost said.

“Brother I want to ask you a question oh!” It was a very cold night at the hangout.

“I hope its not a s’tupid question? Because you always ask s’tupid questions”

“No brother its not a s’tupid question, it’s a wise one this time around”

“Okay go ahead and ask, am all ears” And indeed he brought his ear close to me.

“why you no go all ears when your ear na Laba-laba”

Brother Wale’s ear is a characteristic of what we Yorubas call “Eti ewe” meaning leaf ear. Funny enough Eti ewe was his nickname while he was in secondary school. I remember some of his secondary school friends reminiscing school days and how Brother Wale got the nickname Eti ewe.

While I eavesdropped, this conversation ensued:

Legedez Benz: Eti ewe! Eti ewe, this your ear dey long everyday ooh.

Emeka: I dey tell you, the size of the antenna dey increase everyday.

Legedez Benz: Guy you remember that time for SS1 na! wey them tell Eti ewe make him clean black board with him ear.

Koffi: No be small thing oh! Mr. Yale na wicked man oh! How him go say make Eti ewe use him ear as duster? hahahahaha!

Brother Wale(Eti ewe): Abi I don warn una make una no dey call me Eti Ewe? Una no dey hear.

Legedez Benz: Shut up abeg! You wey dey call me Legedez Benz nkor?

Brother Wale: hahahahaha! LB! LB! You still dey trek? Make I see your shoe sole na!

Koffi: Guy! But LB you trek that year oh! You be world trekker! You dey trek and your sole go dey cry! Hahahahahaha!

SB: Hahahahaha! Legedez Benz.





“Go ahead I am listening!” I felt like kissing his ear.

“don’t vex for this question I want to ask you oh!”

“I will not as far as it is a reasonable question”

“Okay! The question I want to ask you is that why have you no gotten a job yet, why?”

“Well, that’s a very good question, I have not gotten a job because most of the companies I go to for interviews say I am too qualified, that they can’t pay me”

“Is that true? You are too qualified or you are too dull to pass the interviews?” My mouth was s'tupid.

“Shut up! Are you mad? Don’t you have respect for me again?” He knocked my head.

“I am sorry na, I was just wondering!”

“Mr. Wonderer! How is my not getting a job any of your business?”

“Because I love you!” These words melted his stony heart.

“Really!”

“Yes! I care about you brother!”

“aaaw! Thank you for caring about me, don’t worry I will get a job soon!” He smiled, and I was sure I will be eating two pieces of meat that night.


All of a sudden………………………………… “Wale! Wale!” Someone yelled.

“Who is that?” We both turned at the same time.

“Wale! Where my money?” It was Brother Luku the heavy weight champion, not he alone; Skill, Bill and Trill were with him.

“Money! Which money?”

“So you dey pretend like say you no know wetin I dey talk abi?”

“What money are you talking of na?”

“Where the balance of my money for the generator wey I give you?”

“Ahhaaan! I thought we agreed that I should pay twelve thousand naira, and I have done that, so I don’t owe you”

“That one wey you dey speak na English! Pay me my remaining 3k or I burst this bottle for your head!” Brother Luku was dead serious.

“hahahahahaha! You can’t do nothing!” Brother Wale laughed.

Next I saw was that Brother Luku was speaking to the bottle he held. Speaking what? I don't know! But I was sure it wasn't Yoruba.

And next I saw was;”braaaaaawww!”

Brother Wale’s head had been broken; he was bleeding and within seconds he was lying on the pool of his own blood.

“aaaaah! Brother Wale don die oh!” I cried with the loudest of my voice.

“Close your mouth there or I tell my dog make them chop you!”

“Brother Wale! Aaaaaah! shabarabashabaearabtada” I spoke Swahili and farted. Fart under duress I suppose. Legend has it that farting under duress gave one the strength to fight.

“I say make you shut up!” Brother, I mean Murderer Luku yelled.

“I no go shut up! You have killed my brother because of three thousand naira” I carried a big stick.

“eheeen! If I kill am nkor? Wetin you fit do?”

“Wetin I fit do be say I wan fight you!” Thank God there was no customer seated.

“you wan fight me?” Like he was about releasing the dogs he held, ”If you wan fight me, you go first fight my dog them”

“Love me, love my dogs” They say, “Hate Luku, hate his dogs” was it for me at that point.

As the three dogs hurried towards me my fury grew stronger, I wasn’t scared at all; they was this inner strength in me – maybe I was housing the strength of Brother Wale as well as mine, or maybe not.

I picked a stick from the fire place and “vooowm! Voowm!” I struck hard on Skill. Trill’s was a very heavy kick from me, and then swiftly the burning stick was slammed on its head twice. As for F’oolish Bill, it landed on hot oil on its own accord and was struggling to come out barking his life out.

Then I hit Skill three times on its head as it took its last breath; I had hunted Okon good meat. Suddenly, Bill came out of the hot oil and headed towards me,”vaaaaawmn!” It received burnt offering.

Luku saw my eyes spelt death, I was gonna kill him for killing Brother Wale, then he ran and I chased after him like Cheetah.

“Mogbe oh!” Luku the strongest in the community was chased by SB the weakest, how tables turn.


I looked back for a while and saw Trill was after me barking.

nobletitus:
Thank God i meet up............cant stop laffing,even though i gat exams...........that does not disturb me frm reading this.....i must not carry dis one5unit course

You no go carry over, say amen!

But do me a favour? help me win this competition. You vote for me but clicking the the link bellow, after which you click the "love sign" at the bottom of the page. Thats all. Thank.
PS: Tell your course mates, spread the word. God bless you.

Here is the link: https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/

Mathematics exam was the worse of exams in WAEC for me; others were bad; like in English paper I answered just fourteen out of the hundred objective questions, I concentrated on the theory questions and dealt with them, or so I thought.

On the day of mathematics I wrote well I must confess - in dreamland and not in reality.

“SB wetin dey happen na! why you dey sleep like this?”

“Guy I no well! My eye dey turn me” I think the quadratic equations I saw in the question paper spun my eyes and the Simultaneous equations combined with the Pap and beans I ate that morning caused me sleep.

“Young man, Why are you sleeping in the exam hall?” The invigilator asked.

“sir I think I am not feeling fine”

“Then go to the hospital!”

“m’umu! Make I go hospital leave exam wey I dey right abi?” I cursed within.

“SB! SB! Copy from my work!” Yemi changed sit and was sitting close to me.

I was writing and was sweating profusely, I wrote to a point that I couldn’t comprehend what I was to write next.

“Yemi I no dey see this equation wey you write here oh”

“which one?”

“this one na!” I pointed.

“hahahahahahahah! SB! SB!”

“why you dey laugh na?”

“That thing wey you dey call equation na my name na!” I cleared my eyes and saw that what I was about writing was “Yemi Morebeshe” His name written at the top of the page.

“Guy your handwriting na war oh!”

“You! Both of you stand up! Why are you talking in the exam?” I never saw the principal entered.

“Sir I was not talking oh, I just asked him to borrow me pencil” I lied.

“You asked him to borrow you pencil abi?”

“come with me!”

“Who? Me or him?”

“Yes you!”

“Sir where are we going to na?” I almost said.

“Permit me Mr. Invigilator, this young man is going to write the rest of this paper in my office, he is too stubborn, you can come and check on him from time to time!” The principal requested.

“No problem sir!”

“ooohh! God! I don roast be that oh! Yemi for no come show me work oh! He for leave me make I dey sleep my thing oooh!”

“Mtschwwww!” I hissed.

“did you just hiss?” The principal turned as we walked to his office.

“Me hissed? I dey craze? I was just singing!”

“what kind of song were you singing?” The kind of Principal Mr. Eze was was the kind that needed to know even what the content of your bowel was.

“Gospel song!” I answered.

“Gospel song! Sang by who?” He asked.

“Sang by Timaya!” I answered.

“haaaaa! Is Timaya a gospel musician?”

“Yes he is!”



The morbid fragrance the principal’s office offered made me drew a conclusion that I had failed Mathematics already. But as I sat to write, an idea cropped in, “You know say you fit see maths textbook here?”

“na true oh!”

“Did I tell you to sit down?”

“Yes sir………………………… I mean No sir!” I stammered.

“That’s not where you will sit writing this exam; you will be in my inner chamber”

He locked the door to his main office ushering me to the "inner chambers".

“sit down!” He offered.

“Sit where sir?”

“Sit on the bed”

In the history of mankind it has never being heard that anyone wrote an external exam sitting on a bed save SB. I was about to break history.

“Write on this table!” He brought a plastic table.

“Thank you sir”

“I will put on the AC for you so you will be very comfortable” He put on the Air conditioner.

“Thank you sir!”

“And before I forgot you said you don’t have a pencil” He was about leaving, “take this one!”

The environment was cozy yet there was nothing “upstairs” to write.

“Wetin this man dey use bed do for him office sef? Abi him dey use am dey arrange all this SS3 girls” That was the obvious.

“Fifteen minutes more!” The invigilators' voice was loud enough.

Ten minutes of writing r’ubbish and I was in dreamland lying on the principal’s succulent bed; it was really soft compared to the stone we had at home we called bed.

In the dream Brother Wale was by my side helping me solve the mathematics problems, and later on helping the whole students in the hall write.

After the exam, i walked home with Yemi happily........................

"Yemi all of us don............"

...............“My friend what are you doing lying on my bed!!!?” A sound slap on my head chased me to reality.

"................ Yemi all of us don pass oh!" I thought I was still dreaming.

"The only pass you need to pass now is to pass your paper, Time up!"

Despirado121:
This is just 2 funny i luv it

Thanks for loving it!

Since I was preparing for WAEC I had no choice but to carry my books to the hangout and read while I fried.

“Brother help me blow fire!” I said.

“okay! Pass me that book”

“Which book?”

“That book na!” He pointed.

“ahaaan! Brother why will you use my mathematics notebook to blow fire? Use your mouth na!”

“I should use my mouth? Common give me the book jor!” He grabbed it.

Wickedness is Brother Wale; an evil genius indeed. I will never ever forget the day he did what Napoleon couldn’t do, he fed me – I mean choked me with food. That was the day I realized too much of everything is not good, and that Brother Wale was the most wicked person on earth; his name should be in Guinness book.

“Brother I am hungry oh!” I complained after returning from school.

“Yes I know you are hungry, I just put beans on fire”

“kai! Before this beans go done, I go don die!” I assured myself, so I headed for Gari the one that saves Nigerians.

I had forgotten Brother Wale hated drinking Gari and he wouldn’t allow me drink. He said drinking Gari meant one was poor, so to prevent poverty he warned that I never drank Gari in his presence no matter how hungry I was.

“Brother this one you are watching cartoon?” I crossed my leg munching Gari.

“abi you no watch am when you dey small?” I saw Tom was chasing Jerry with a Knife.

He was so focused watching that at some point I thought he was watching either Nine O’clock news or his football club Manchester united was playing against say Chelsea.

“Why Brother Wale eye just dey focus for TV?” I asked myself.

“Maybe money dey this Tom and Jerry oh! Abi if person watch am, the person go win money?” Because I was sure Brother Wale was in dire need of money that period of his life.

“Make me sef watch oooh, in case!” I said to myself.

“no cut am! No cut am!” I said as Tom ran closer to Jerry and was about to cut its head.

“Splasssssh!” Tom sliced Jerry’s head into two.

How on earth my cup of Gari poured Brother Wale’s head, I couldn’t comprehend. I turned and saw Brother Wale was Lagbaja and the Gari on his head reminded me of our grand father with gray hair.

“Hahahahahahahahaha!” I laughed

“How dare you pour me Gari on my head?” I saw he wasn’t smiling.

“I’m sorry sir! it was a mistake” I knelt down.

“You……… you are sorry for yourself!” A knock landed on my head.

“aaaahhh! Sorry na!” I cried.

“Come here! How many times will I warn you not to drink Gari in this house?” I took steps backwards.

“Hundred times sir!”

“Hundred times abi, and you are still drinking?”

“I am drinking because I am hungry” He wiped out the Gari on his face leaving the one on his beard and his head, and I swear he looked like Wole Shoyinka.

“you are hungry eeehn! Didn’t I tell you there is beans on fire already?”

“Yes sir! You told me!” I answered.

“So?”

“I am very hungry that is why!” I answered.

“hnnnnn! Hungry man! That means you can finish the beans on fire alone abi?” He paused.

“Yes of course!” I talked without thinking.

“fine! You see that bag of beans in the kitchen, I want you to measure fourteen cups and put it on fire! I mean the other stove”

“Why Brother? Are we expecting visitors?” I cared to know.

“Yes oooh, I am expecting my friends”

“This one na m’umu oh! You are expecting your friends and you are cooking beans for them, shey you no see better food cook?” I cursed within.

Little did I know I would be the one that would end up being the m’umu.

“Brother the two beans don done oh!” I announced two hours later.

“okay! Serve me from the first one, and serve the second one in a big bowl”

“A bowl?”

“Yes a bowl, use that our big bowl that Maami use to urinate in while she was alive”

"Why that bowl?"

“I have put the beans in the bowl and i have covered it, What of my own?” I asked after serving him, “which one will I eat?”

“You see that one in the bowl? Eat it, its yours!” He said, ”And wait…………………………… you must finish it”

“How? How will I finish this thing?”

“Don’t ask me how; I thought you said you are a glutton”

“Glutton? I don’t like super glue oooh” In case he added to the punishment that super glue was to represent stew.

“You must finish it ooh!” He emptied the beans left in the pot into the bowl.

I was eating and I was farting; the farts gave room for more beans to enter my four chambered stomach.

“Brother it is not good ooh! God is watching you ooh!” I complained.

“sssshs! If I hear peeim! I will flog you!” He raised the cane he held.

As I ate, the beans in the bowl increased and my tears on the floor formed River Nile.

“Brother, me I can not finish this food oh!” I felt beans coming out from my nose.

He carried the bowl of beans, and just when I thought I had been saved by the bell; “prrrruuuuuuu!” It was raining beans on me.

That’s not wickedness, this is:



“Don’t worry the fire will come up, lemme use my mouth to blow it” At last he agreed to use his mouth.

“It has comed up” Grammar broken.

“oooooH! My note!” I jumped from where I sat.

My mathematics note was on fire, “water! Water!” I cried.

“water what? I will buy you another note!”

“you will buy me another note, will you help me write the note?” I dipped my right hand into the fire to bring out my half-way-burnt notebook.

“eeeeaaaah! My hand oooh!” My right hand was burning, “water! Water!”

How f’oolish of me to dip my hand into hot oil wishing it was water.

viciati:
Ghost mode deactivated!flow abeg flow on.

You are highly welcome!
You don vote? https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/

Brother Wale located SB the gutter man, carried me home like a baby, bathe me with warm water and laid me to bed. What love for a brother?

Or was he high?

Yes he was high.

“Smoke small na” He offered as I tried catch sleep.

“I don’t want to smoke”

“One day you will have to learn how to smoke, weed is good for the health; it makes a man to be able to perform his duties”

“I don see you wey dey perform duties na?”

The first day I tasted weed, that day I saw why they said the sun rotates round the earth.

I was twelve and four foot tall, brother Wale gave me two wraps of weed to take home for him and as I got home I assured myself I would kill my curiosity that afternoon since no one was at home – Brother Wale had before then told me weed tasted like Vitamin C. And ooh my, I so loved Vitamin C the red one; I still love it.

Since there was no wrapping paper to wrap the weed with, I assured myself paper was paper so I tore a carton I saw in the kitchen.

I painstakingly wrapped the weed and said the Lord’s Prayer as I light the end. How dare you ask me what for? Didn’t your momma teach you to pray before meal?

I crossed my leg as I took the first drag, I coughed. I was feeling like the boss Rick Ross with a cigar; yes the carton was rolled perfectly like I was working in a cigar production company.

“This thing no sweet na!” I said, “e no sweet like Vitamin C na!”

I coughed so hard as I dragged more.

“yeeeh! Mogbe oh! My eye! My eye dey turn me” I tried standing up.

My eyes spun and I was seeing everything in twos, then later on in threes, but what I couldn’t comprehend was why I had five legs – where did the extra three come from?

“Get behind me Satan!” Our Sunday school teacher had told us that whenever we were in tough times we should quote that verse.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil” I tried walking.

“……………………… He maketh me lie down in green pastures” I was lying on the floor.

Then I freed the weed in my hand.

Within a minute or so I saw fire.

“Moses and the burning bush” I said.

“Fire oooh! Fire ooh!” I heard my mum shouted from outside.

“which fire?” I struggled to stand up.

I stood up, took three steps away from the Kerosene container that was on fire, stared at it for a while and said; “The sun is beautiful! Where is the moon?”

“The moon should be in your room” Someone told me.

“You be correct! How you take know?”

“I know na, I do literature, you don forget that book - The moon is above your bed?”

So I staggered to my room.

Standing close to the bed I looked at the ceiling to see the moon.

“But the moon is not here na?” I spoke.

“see it na! Can’t you see it?” My friend told me.

“who are you sef? I said I am not seeing it and you are telling me rubbish, shey na you get the room?”

“No vex na, as you no dey see am, sleep your head don full, just sleep”

And I slept.


I came back to reality from dreamland when water was sprinkled on me by brother Wale.

“ahaaan! What did I do?”

“Will you not go to school today?”

“Me? School? I will not go oh!”

“Why?” He asked.

“No reason sir!” The reason was that Kpobo was my new sit-partner according to Friday’s sit reshuffle.

“That reminds me? Where is the weed I gave you to keep for me?”

“Weed? Me? What is weed?”

“My friend where is the thing I gave to you?” He tapped my head and my brain reset.

“Okay! As I was coming to the house…………………… As I was coming to the house……………”

“eeeeheeen! As you was coming to the house what happened?”

“As I was coming to the house, one of the them fall from my leaking pocket, I still have one here” I dipped my hand into my pocket.

As he collected it, I positioned my head for a great knock but I was surprised seconds later there was none that landed on it.

“The kitchen was on fire yesterday, I would have been glad if you were burnt in the inferno!” He smiled.

“Really? How did you put off the fire?” I asked.

“I peed on it, and it went off” He answered.

“Okay! You should be working in the fire service then!” I said.

“And I should be working in the boys scout for making fire” I almost said.

“Hahahahahaha!” He laughed.

“Brother Wale! Brother Wale!” I hailed.

“that reminds me, you have a letter; a love letter”

ERF:
Nicey. . . All I can say is :


OLiver Twist. ..

Howdy my long lost friend?

You don vote? https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/ Just click the love sign at the bottom

kayspark27:
lols,very funny story

Thank you!

“hold it there!” I heard.

“you know that is stealing, you are a thief” I thought God was speaking to me.

“Bill! Skill! Trill! Get him!”

“Get who?" I thought I was dreaming.

Bill, Trill and Skill are skillful in biting off the cap. I remember Skill almost biting off Debo’s cap – the cap of his p’enis leaving only the b’alls, and we nicknamed Debo “Debo! where your pencil?”

“SB where your pencil?” I imagined Kpobo drawing a cartoon animation of me in the blackboard with a broken p’enis so I ran faster; I ran like there was no tomorrow, or like my tomorrow was dead.

“SB! Where are you running to?” I ran pass Tolani my crush, my babe rather.

“Nowhere! I am just exercising! I need to lose weight!”

“Aaaah!” I turned and saw that I had a running-partner already.

Didn’t they say “what a man can do a woman can do better”?

“Wait for me SB!” Women can be funny sha! I am running for my dear life and you are telling me to wait for you, is it a heavenly race? Even heavenly race is personal.

Then from nowhere, Tolani overtook me. She was running bare footed.

“Tolani!” I called. She was soon two metres ahead.

Yemi had told me severally that Tolani was always coming first in their school's inter-house sport competition but I never believed, seeing her ran so fast in the inter-house sport of life and death, I believed.

Soon my legs were failing me.

“SB! Seyi bobo! So naso you go take die?” I was already imagined what will be said of me when I rest in peace, in pieces rather; because I was very sure the three dogs would surely pieces my bones.

“And here lies the body of a vibrant soldier, a dogged sailor that sailed through life’s turbulence and was victorious, he fought for love, like Romeo he died for the love of his life, may his gentle soul rest in peace!”

That would be in the event of my demise.

Wherever Tolani ran to I followed knowing women made better decisions in emergencies. Or so I thought.

Holly s’hit! She was running towards her compound, and I could see Bill was so close to me.

I had watched in a movie that a guy was chased by a dog, and once he put off his slippers and continued running bare footed, the dog stopped and was chewing the slippers.

Taking off my slippers shortened the distance from Bill, and I was so tired.

“Lord pls take my hands!” I wept.

I looked forward and saw Tolani was in her compound already, and guess what? She shut the gate. After girls go say men are wicked. Who wicked now?

“Tolani open the gate!” I cried with a loud voice.

I had ten seconds to decide what my next line or action would be lest I died and made hell.

“Jump that fence!” Was a suggestion.

But my mind flashed back to the last time I tried jumping a fence. That was when our ball was fired to Igboh kwenu the igboh dealer’s compound. The same Tolani caused me woo that afternoon. I had decided that since I wasn’t fit in the pitch meaning I was playing rubbish – kind of my-stomach-show-me-where-to-play-to style of football; the kind they play in Swaziland league, I needed to prove to Tolani that I was superman albeit not in the pitch but in fence climbing.

With so much dexterity, I jumped holding the top of the fence with my both hands, then blood rained on me – there were tiny bottles affixed to the top of the fence.

“SB climb enter na” My in-law to be Yemi said; more like he said: “prove to me that you will take good care of my sister when you marry her!”

“aaaaah! Bottle dey the fence! I have died!” Grammar matters not in such situation.

I tried to pull myself up and the bottles pierced deeper reaching my skeletal structure.

“Abeg comot here jor! You no know say that side bottle dey, na here bottle no dey!” Yellow swiftly entered the compound.

“Sorry oh!” Tolani said, “Did it wound you?”

“S’tupid question! No e no wound me, e kiss my hand, you see blood full my hand you dey ask me nonsense question!”





“See that tree for there, jump catch one of the branch!” Another suggestion.

Monkeys climbs tree, but SB climb better is a know fact.

I jumped more than an Olympic high jumper; like I was asked to grab the skies. I held one of the branches and just when I thought at last I had found succor, the branch I held broke and I fell to the ground.

And guess where I fell?

Inside a very deep gutter.

I mean a very very deep gutter.

I was fully clad with pottor-pottor, kelebe, nyama, spit, s’hit, piss, all combined.

The Dogs were up there staring at their prey in another cloth; they wished they could jump in and devour me.

Suddenly like they were called to come eat bones, the Dogs left faster than I imagined.

Then I heard the gate opened and I heard Tolani said “I saw him running behind me towards the compound”

“Then where is he?” That was Yemi’s voice.

“I don’t know!”

“Brother there is no firewood in the house oh!” I returned from searching for firewood at home.

“so what do we do?”

“I suggest we close for the day!” I wished.

“how can we close when we have all this plenty customers?” Brother Wale said, “can’t you see they are enjoying the music I am playing?”

“m’umu, Your mate dey play better music you dey play Michael Jackson song!” I wondered what Michael Jackson's songs had to do with Akara.

“yes brother they are enjoying it I can see!” I said, “so what do we do?”

“go to the bush!” He said.

“go to the bush? Who?”

“You of course”

“Me? But it is late na!” I complained.

“you will use torch light, or are you scared?”

“Me? Scared? Why I go fear? I get mind die!” I said that because Tolani Yemi’s younger sister just walked pass.

“Ehheeen! That’s my brother, Okunri meta!” Brother Wale handed over the torchlight to me, “don’t come back unless you are coming back with firewood oh!”

"see your mouth! why you no go by yourself!"


“Yemi come follow me go find firewood for bush na, abeg!” I pleaded.

“Guy I wan go chop!” What a friend.

“No money, no friends!” I encouraged myself with the words of the notorious Big as I walked the meandering part to the bush.

“Bruuuuuu! Broooar! Bruuuuu!” I turned.

“who be that?”

Mehn! The bush was so dark that the torchlight I held was like a mare fire ant.

Legend has it that in the bushes in Anifowoshe lives babies, Bush babies – they are dwarfs with one leg and with gray hair carrying a walking stick.

“mewww!” I heard and the hair in the back of my head stood.

“mewww!”

As I bent down I heard, “mew mew mew mew mew!” I concluded two bush babies were fighting.

“SB if this bush baby meet you here na die you don die oh!”

Rumour had it that Kuti died of two slaps from two bush babies that slapped him after having sex with him. Little wonder the cliché “I go slap you like Kuti!” reigned in the neighbourhood while Kuti was sick for two weeks and after his death.

“I go like make bush baby f’uck me like Kuti oh! E go make sense” I told Yemi when we heard of Kuti’s death.




“who is there!”

“guy carry one of that firewood and run!” I advised myself.

Soon I heard footsteps towards me.

And like a robot, I grabbed a huge firewood, placed it on my head and like a moving train I ran.

I turned for a while when I was about six metres from the street and saw that about three bush babies ran after me.

If two bush babies could have sex with Kuti and killed him with two slaps, three would sure kill SB.

I was glad I made it to the street seeing people walked and I was sure the bush babies feared the light. But something was missing, my firewood!

“Don’t come back unless you are coming back with firewood oh!” I remembered Brother Wale’s warning.

“I think say I carry the firewood for my head?” I asked myself.

“okay! I troway am that time so I go fit run fast oh!” I remembered.

“wetin I go do now? I no dey go back to that bush oh! God forbid!”

“Okay! I know wetin I go do!”

I had remembered that by Brother Luku’s fence lied two bunches of firewood, and I reached a conclusion – I was gonna steal.
Forgetting Brother Luku had three dogs, plus him, making it four.

Nice one!

But watch your word spacing.

STILL I FLOW
STILL YOU FLOW TOO

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