₦airaland Forum

2015 was not the end but the beginning of many surprises.


“Oboy make una open door!” Unfriendly friends.

“Emma! Emma! Na you!” I heard Flow’s voice from inside the house.
“Na me, open the door jor!” I was becoming furious. But i needed to calm down my nerves lest i spoiled the plan.



The door rattle and opened rhythmically.

“Emma! Wetin happen? Where Brainbox? Where you dey come from?” Too many questions from the fake friends. For the first time since I knew Man, he was really scared, I could see it in his eyes.

I entered the living room sluggishly leaving the door unlocked.

“Brainbox dey Psychiatric Hospital for Rumuigbo, Me and Olaniyi rush am go hospital, as all of una run leave am na” I eyeballed Flow in particular.
“Even you Flow, you left Brainbox when he needed you most, the same Brainbox that you told us have saved you in life and death situations severally” I was about saying that.

“So him go well abi?” Flow was really getting on my nerves.
“Yes na him go well, them don dey treat am, Doctor say make I fry egg plenty bring come for am”
“Fry egg! How many?” Man’s eyes were ajar.
“Like ten! Na wetin him talk be that!”
“No worry I go buy twelve egg!” Man offered.
“With one fried fish join oh” I concluded.
“But wait ooh, which kin Doctor go tell you make you bring ten fried egg and fried fish for person wey no well!” Flow said.
“You be doctor? Doctor don talk something you wan argue!”

“Emma no worry I go buy the fish, I go buy two big fish, na me go fry am” Snow offered.
“Eheen!” I was pleased.


30 minutes, and Man and Snow had finished frying the sacrificial egg and fish and packaged it very well when all of sudden……..

The door was hit, it almost fell of its frame.



POLICE!!



“Don’t move!!”

“If you move! I shoot!!”

“You! You! and You!” One dark Police officer pointed at the three of them, “You are under arrest for possession of Illegal drugs and for drugging one Mr. Ifeanyi Cletus”

“Constable! Handcuff these Three!!” The older Police officer ordered.



“Emma why?” Man cried as the handcuff was connected to Flow’s right hand and his left hand.

Snow eyeballed me badly as he was pushed by the constable.

“Mr. Emmanuel Okoli, when you finish with your food, you can come to the station for further questioning.


As the Police van zoomed off, I ordered; “Ramotu abeg give me cold coke make I use wash down this fried Egg and fried Fish abegi!!!”

swiz123:
I thought flow was brainbox' best friend.


Leaving a friend at that time is a bit heartless of them all.

Yeah! You know, when you see that kin scene, my brother you go first run, but you fit dey from far dey observe oh.

Next update will blow your mind

SeunIsBloody:
Flow flow....u jus dey burst my brain wit ur torey....me dey hail u

Call me the burst-brain-master (BBM)

10th May, 2015, 4:30pm

“Oboy make we enter OK na, I dey hungry of Okoli ooh!” I tapped Flow who was lying on the bed.

“Oboy I never wan smoke na” He responded, “sleep dey catch me”
“Come make we go jor!”

Albeit Flow had said severally that he would stop smoking soon, we his friends always kept the urge alive.


On our way, then my phone rang.
“Hello! Man! okay we dey come there now! me and Flow, see us dey come” The republic had one president that presides, moderates and maintained decorum; that president was Man wey dey reason.


“Make una follow me reason am na” Man proposed, “Assuming say I contest for next election and I win, I go make Okoli free for everybody”
The other boys at the other corner of the republic joined laughing.

The atmosphere was high on Okoli fumes, it was a cloudy evening.
“Oboy e be like say rain wan fall ooh” I noticed.
“Make e no fall ooh, make e wait make I finish my Okoli before e go fall ooh” Man was on his Third Jumbo, Flow was still on his first.

Then my phone rang. It was Snow.
“Hello! Snow baba! Una dey come, Okay we dey wait una” He hung up.
“Who be that?” Flow asked.
“Na your cousin Snow!” I informed, “Him say him and Brainbox dey come here come join us”
“Come join us? I think say Brainbox no dey smoke?” Flow said.
“When him reach here we go know!” Man’s legendary response.
We knew indeed.


“Oboy make I try this una Okoli sef” Brainbox proposed.
“Try am na! e dey make person reason well” Man offered him a jumbo.
“Brainbox! No take am ooh!” The voice of warning said.
“No mind Flow, Okoli is good for your health!” I wish I never said that.
Branbox had dragged twice when I noticed he was smiling sheepishly.
“Ride on bro!!” Man cheered, “You be correct man, Man wey dey reason!”

Taking the third drag, Brainbox’s eyes turned greenish yellow.

“Oboy, are you alright!” I thought he was pulling one of his usual pranks on us.
“I am alright!” he smiled like he found new teeth.

He was dragging the Okoli faster than the speed of light.

The Okoli was half jumbo left when Brainbox stood up and took of his T-shirt.
“Emma hold this shirt for me, heat too much here” That was when it dawned on me that madness was next.
Yet he was still taking sweet Okoli.

He was almost finishing the Jumbo when he started uprooting the grasses around.
“Ahaaan! You wan do farm work?” Snow asked.
“He looked at Snow and responded, “No ooh!, I wan chop!”

Then the next thing that saw my eyes was unbelievable, Branbox was eating grasses.

“Oboy I wan go piss” Man was stepping out.

“I wan go s’hit” Snow followed.

“I dey come make I receive this call” Flow faked a call.

The other boys were nowhere to be found. I had urinated on myself, next was to poo. I was in s'hit.

OK republic contained me and a mad friend.

I managed to look at the time on my wrist watch. It was 17:59.

Where is Ishilove I dey miss her. My nairaland babe

ChemicalReaction:
Lwkm..

Baba Flow, I still read "igbo boy wey like Yoruba" whenever I'm bored.

Biko coman update

I will update soon. Thanks for reading my stories

i guess my old fans are not aware i started a story already.

And i don,t want to call them.

When i hit front page they will know

SunFlow i sight you

2015 came with great hopes and expectations. It was the beginning of a new era.

“Oboy this sai baba wey we elect so go bring better things for this Naija oh!” It was just Brainbox and I in the living room one Friday morning - The rest were at work. I was off-duty at the Filling station.

“guy forget sai baba oh, him go f’uck up this country, I stand with Biafra ooh!” Brainbox informed.

"But sai baba promise all the graduates 5kay every month na!" I said.

"That na campaign promise oh!" Brainbox promised, "I belive in Biafra ooh!"

“Biafra abi?” I said, “I even want make Biafra come so that I go go my Local Government to contest for Chairman for Biafra country”
“Na your type Biafra need?”


ALASKA
Alaska is s place to be, a home second to none. A place where you find the most beautiful girls in Port Harcourt, the High class chicks, the slay mamas, the gbaza queens, the chop-and-clean-mouth ladies, and the Ogbono soup babes.

My Chinwe is in the class of Ogbono soup babes.

“Oboy my babe dey come today ooh” Brainbox heard me right.

“Ehen! una go do anything?” Stupid question.
“We no go do anything oh, we just wan talk”


Soon Chinwe barge in on us;
“what? why are you staring at me like you have not seen me before!”

Truth be told, I was seeing another Chinwe entirely; hand fan-like eyelashes, heavy make-up and she was on dreads; maybe she was mad, or maybe not.

“my friend will you stand up from there and give me peck!” Commander Chinwe was in the house.
I positioned my lips like I learnt pecking in Havard yet she said; “You don’t even know how to peck, Brain babe, come and give me a peck jor!”

Brainbox looked at me and then to her, he looked at me again and then fixed his eyes on her.
Looking at me, he asked; “Emma make I peck her?”

“peck her na!” No be my mind oh, “shebi na she say make you peck her?”

Brainbox’s peck was like a hot kiss to me; I could see the way she carried an undying smile on her face.


“Emma nothing you sabi for this life, even f’uck”


I hope you all can see why I called her Ogbono soup babe.
Well if you can't see the reason, lemme explain; You know the way you lick the seed of sweet ripe Mango especially when you are hungry – like you are quarrelling with the seed for not producing more flesh for you at that moment? That was exactly how Chinwe expected me to suck her dry whenever we played love.


“Baby suck me dry!” She insisted like I was some draining machine.

Yes I was a draining machine that morning, I drained every juice in her; some tasted like sweet Orange while others tasted like unripe “Udara”. If you know you know.

“f’uck me harder!! Push it in!” She moaned.

I was virtually pushing all my entire body into the well she had in between her legs, yet she continued; “Babe don’t c’um!”

“me come!” I almost said, “people wey dey come never go, I go come c’um”

Then from nowhere I came like ligthening and fell on the bed lying upwards.

“You idiot! Snow performed for Twenty seven minutes none stop, you, ordinary two minutes you are breathing like you are about dying”

“What? Snow! You have slept with Snow!!!”

SunFlow:
Oga Flow, thanks for the updatea

Together we flow

Yeah right!

i see so many monikers reading but they hardly comment

1st October 2014, Wednesday.

Independence it was for a great nation Nigeria. The Giant of Africa, the land that flows with milk and honey, the fatherland.

Nigeria! Good people! Great Nation!

Nigeria! The nation that produces great minds yet talents die every day.

“Oboy tomorrow I go be Thirty years ooh!” Brainbox announced, “I go be thirty, and I never even buy bicycle tyre talk less of motor”

The few months I had known Brainbox, he was indeed like his name “The Brain”. Who remember “Pinky and the Brain” Cartoon from back then? Brainbox is characteristics of The Brain. I remember he stole tin tomatoes from Ramotu the other day, and finding no place to hide it from her, he pocketed it in his mouth.



“Happy independence!” Man entered 17:59 that evening
“Happy wetin! This one na country? I tire for this Nigeria!” Brainbox said, “I mean, I have tried to join The Police Three times since I finished school, all to no avail? because i no get connection, this one na country?”
Brainbox is indeed the brain the Nigerian Police need to fight crime at a time like this. “He is smart” is an understatement, he is the smartest. I remember him giving me his wallet that contained money to search, yet I couldn’t find the money. I remember him having s’ex with a pro’stitute promising to pay her by means of recharge card.

“Brainbox how that a’shawo girl take leave you wey you no pay after una do finish? Because I know say you been no hold shi-shi that night” I needed to know.
“Easy thing na, I promise her say I go send her card na”
“You sure say na the only thing wey you promise her” I was sure he had no fading on him the other night.
“I swear! I send her card 1,500 MTN, Flow dey that time wey I dey send am na!” Brainbox assured.
“Abeg shut up there! You wey send the girl used card” Flow said, “if una see how the girl cause Brainbox for phone eehhhnn!”

“Na the hustle for Naija na! I be Naija boy, and I get sense” One finger to his skull.
The atmosphere was fill with cheers for Brainbox

“Brainbox wey get sense!”

“Guys wait! Wait! Make una wait! All the sense wey all of us get for this Nigeria, we never get better job” Snow said, “Like me after I don read Petrochemical Engineering for school, Oil company I no see work, even groundnut oil company I no see, now I dey fry meat with ground nut oil for that Hotel wey them dey pay me 25kay every month”

“Your own better na, me I don try to join Army for this country for four times, Navy three times and Airforce once since I finish school” Flow said, “Still nothing come out, when Nigeria go better sef?”

“Nigeria no go better I swear! Me I wan jar comot for Naija!” Man said.
“You wan still comot for Niaja abi?” I said, “After your last experience?”

Man had from Lagos seaport wanted to leave this country via a vessel, he and his friend. He was assured that if he could make available Two Hundred Thousand Naira for Logistics, he will find himself in UK in no time.

He and his friends were housed in a dark stinking six feet container for Five days, eating and defecating on the same container that housed them. According to him, they shared everything including food, bed, carbon dioxide and oxygen as well as bad breath too.

It was on the fifth day that they were forcefully thrown out by the captain of the vessel. To them it was a case of free return ticket to Senegal.


Nigeria! Good people! Great Nation!


The enemies of this great nation, God will judge, but we will arrange the meeting.

Yes We will.



"Udeme abeg give all of us 1759 make we take celebrate Nigeria jor!" I ordered.

"And the beer saw the skies, but not for too long!"

Kirgyakos:
flow keeps getting better, carry on my guy, you dey game.

Like fine wine

swiz123:
It really have.

Well done baba

thank you

So my friends, how have my writing improved over the years?

CC: Ishilove

September 6th 2014, Saturday, Evening.

At St. Peter’s Basilica Palm wine and 404 joint I was losing grip of the cup of palm wine I held when my stomach rumbled.
“which kin mixture be this? How person go chop Indomie, bread, groundnut and garri, com wash am down with Zobo, which kin mixture be that?”
Brainbox had that afternoon prepared us Indomie Noodles and advised we ate the food with bread, garri and groundnut and later on Zobo.

“So naso una dey chop am for Nekede that time abi?” Snow asked.
“You no like the food?” I noticed Brainbox had grown gray beard.
“Thunder fire you there!”



“Oboy e get one man wey com our Hotel com carry one A’shawo enter room” Snow began, “So as them do the thing finish, naso the man come outside the room dey sweat like Christmas goat”
“How him no go sweat, wey him don do serious work” Flow said.
“Naso I com dey greet the man so that him go give me small something” Snow winked, “The man put hand for pocket, the first wey him comot na handkerchief, naso him carry the handkerchief clean heat for him face”
“ehnnn? Make him no clean him face again?” Man said.
“wait na, I never finish!” Snow cautioned, “The thing wey him think say na handkerchief, no be handkerchief, na the girl pant him use clean face”
“hahahahahahahaha!” We all laughed.
“The mumu man use pant clean him face, even clean him mouth join”
“hahahahahaha!” Brainbox laughed more, and last also.


We were still laughing when from nowhere, one small rat ran into the Basilica; “Uncle Chinonso, my Mummy said I should call you!”
“Who is Chinonso?” I had forgotten Man’s birth name.
“What does she want me to come and do?” Man shouldn’t have asked.
“She said you should come and wash the dirty plates!” Naeto announced, “And iron my school uniform too!”
Man’s crush Mfon the 404 seller burst into laughter and we all joined in what was seemingly an orchestra of laughter.



“Guys, my belle dey disturb me, e be like say I go soon die” Indeed I was in the verge of giving up the ghost should I not defecate that moment.

“Mfon! Mfon ooh!” I cried, “Give me una toilet key abeg?”
Like she knew how it was “doing” me, she instantly threw the bunch of keys and it landed on Brainbox’s cup of palm wine.
“which kin nonsense be this na? Toilet key?”
“No vex abeg!” I removed the key, pouring out the palm wine "I go buy you another pammy"


I reached the toilet in no time knowing there will be no one inside since i was with the key, yet I knocked.
“Yes! I dey here!” I heard the voice of Nse, Mfon's elder sister.
“Yekpa, I go sooon die oooh!” I cried bitterly.
“You no go die, I go soon come out” She replied, “Emma na you?”
“Yes ooh! Na me ooh!” I was on my fifth push-up on the floor.
If only push-ups could dry my tears. I was crying.

My girlfriend was on her way to join us at the Basilica any moment.
If I poo on myself Chinwe will so insult me. What was I to do?
“And no bush near here?”
“I don finish abeg! e remain small, e remain the last s'hit” Nse sent me a shout from the other side.

The door opened and my heart was pleased as the "Fat fool" walk majestically passed me.

I jumped into the toilet and what saw my eyes was; Oh my God!


The floor was plastered with a cement called “Poo cement”
I had stamped my foot on three mountains of poo already yet I cared not, my nose sensory organ was insensitive at that moment, I cared not too.

Neither did I care to find where to poo. I managed to find a space on the floor next to two mountains.

“So na only this girl sh’it this sh’it?” I said to myself.


30 Minutes and I was done, my bowels were cleared. That was when it dawned on me that I was in hell.

Looking at the “pooses” on the floor and in the WC I wondered; “So that time wey this Nse girl dey like me, if to say I like her back and we com marry naso she go dey sh’it for my house abi? Tufiakwa!!”

Suddenly I heard footsteps and the door clicked.
“Who is there?” I said.
As I tried opening the door and I couldn’t, it dawned on me that I would be passing a night with my new friends in the toilet.

Then my phone rang, it was Chinwe.

SunFlow:
flow1759 :My oga is back...


Chai, you are the reason i joined nairaland in 2016, even my moniker was influenced by you.


I hope you won't leave us again.

Still we flow together

Kirgyakos:
baba flow I beg no vex o....na mumu de worry me

I don komot'am sharperly.

Ok, thank you.

We were all seated for the interview at Top Bond Oil company, then I said to myself “So na pesin get this kin big company?” “See levels!”
The interview started at about 12:45pm, the hall was crowded and reeks of sweat.


“wetin dem ask you?” Man asked one guy that just finished his interview.
“Oboy them ask me what is my shoe size ooh!” The Oblong headed boy said, “Na the first question be that”
“Wetin com be second question?” I was waiting to hear; “Them ask me wetin be my head size?”
“They asked what kind of salary scale am I expecting?”
“Salary scally? Wetin be salary scally?” The stupid Man didn’t know that salary scale means when Chicken and Fishes is given to workers as Christmas Bonus, the scales will remain on the fishes. Or so I thought.


It was about two persons to Man, before me when all of sudden, someone from nowhere rushed to take a vacant seat in front of Man.
“Oh boy comot for there, e never reach your turn” I yelled.

“Ehhhh! MY GUY! BRAINBOX!”
“Are you out of your mind Man?” I said, “person com chanse you, you dey call the person brainbox? which kin brain?”
Soon Man hugged the guy and the environment was noisy from pleasantries and catching up, very noisy.
“Emma na my guy be this! Him name na Brainbox! Flow know am! Na all of us dey together that year for Nekede. ***Refer to the story MAN WEY DEY REASON***

The pleasantry was high pitched, there was no gainsaying that these men were best friends from way back.
From the waiting room where we were the interviewers could hear Man’s bass voice.

“Shhhhh! You are shouting” One interviewee cautioned.
“My friend shut up! You know this guy?” Man replied.
“I don’t need to know him” The interviewee fired.
“So shut up, you ugly k-legged girl” Man caused, “With this your face wey resemble s’hit wey dem fire catapult”
“How dare you insult me!” Mrs. Ugly was grabbing Man to his collar.
“If you no leave my shirt, if I slap you ehnnn!” Man attacked.
With clung fist, Man was ready to beat the hell out of Mrs. Ugly.

“Man no try am oooh!” Before I could say that, man landed a thundering blow on the lady's face.
I was holding Man to avoid further hot punch when with the speed of light, Mrs. Ugly jabbed Man twice to his face.
For second attack, it was a straight punch to Man’s stomach, and them another to his solar plexus.

I was scared!

Man was bleeding from his nostril.
“Abi this woman sabi Kung-Fu?” I could barely comprehend.
In retaliation, man stretched his leg for a kick forgetting something.
“braaaaa! Braaaa!” His trouser was torn so wide; wider than mine, and I think map of Africa can comfortably be accommodated in it.
That wasn’t all that saw the eyes, Man shoe flew and on entrance of one of the interviewers to the waiting room, it stamped on her face.
“What nonsense! Graduates fighting!” She shouted still holding the shoe, “hmmmmm! Smelling shoe!”
About five persons were holding Mrs. Ugly yet she found her way pass them and hit Man this time harder on his blockus. Man’s face went pale; I could see colours of the rainbow on his eyes. I could feel his hands were cold.

“Man na die you dey ooh!” I almost said, “Make una hold his woman make she no kill my friend oh”
Some persons there instead of hold Mrs. Kung-Fu, they cheered her.


“Will you all stop this nonsense!” The interviewer with Man’s shoe yelled, “Security!! Security!! Security!”

Man was on the floor struggling with life and death. I could see I was losing a friend; life was leaving him. Tears was on my eyes.
Soon two hefty men on security uniform came in holding horse whip.

“Security carry this Man out of here! Throw him into the bush! He is an animal” Our Feminist interviewer said, “any man that will lay his hands on a woman is an animal, take him to the bush”

“The security men grabbed Man without showing some respect for his dirty boxers that was revealing germs in between his legs. Brainbox followed Man boycotting the interview.


Did you continue with the interview Emma? I know that is the question on your lips.



Well, like Man, “when we reach there, you go know!”

Criis:
Crazy fellas

Thank you for reading.

You will see more crazy stuffs soon, i promise you.

Kirgyakos:
Flow and TheBlessdMan "the Messi & Ronaldo of literature section on NL"


These two guys are awesome....so funny to the core


God bless you guys 4 the joy u give to me

Guy this your picture fine ohh, but you for no put am.


Or so i thought

Thank you for the compliment.

JULY 14, 2014, 8:00am
“You have been shortlisted for an interview at Top Bond Oil and gas Limited Tomorrow 15th July 2014 at our office No12, Trans Amadi road, Port Harcourt Time: 8am, Please come along with photocopies of your credentials” Read the message on my phone.

Was I blind? What is happening to me?


SAME DAY, 17:59pm.
We were at 17:59am recreation centre and bar when my phone rang.
“Make e no be my mumsy oh!” I said to myself, “but I just send her 2 kay yesterday na”

“Hello Man, wetin dey happen na? Those Top Bond people dem text me for interview oh, shey dem text you?”
“dem text me ooh!, how we go take go na?” He asked
“We go go na, just come 17:59 make we dey together reason how we go take go, everybody dey here only you” I informed.
“I trust you na, you be Man Wey Dey Reason” He teased.
“Oboy do quick come oh, I no get trouser wey I go wear go the interview ooh!”
“Trouser? No worry I get trouser to give you” He assured, “I dey come now, make I help my little cousin Naeto do him assignment”
“Okay!”
As I hung up it really dawned on me that I had no trouser to wear for the interview the next day, yet I was playing snooker at 17:59.

“Flow which kin question dem fit ask me for the interview sef” It was my turn to play.
“I no know ooh!” He replied, “I never go oil company interview before”
“But you dey work for oil company na?” I said.
“Work as wetin? Security man!” He responded, “Security man, you don forget?”
Flow’s dream was to work in an Oil company, just any oil company. There he was working as a security man in Adac Oil servicing company. He so loved his job and his dream was that he would become a full staff of the company soon. For the past four years he has been dreaming.

“Flow what of Snow? Him never close from work?” I asked as we sat down to drink a bottle of 17:59 each.
How Flow so loved the drink 17:59. He had a year ago when we met introduced me to his friend 17:59; his best friend. His best friend that according to him always stood by him when he is troubled, his best friend that wipes away his tears when he cries, his best friend that gives him the energy to bang Diva and more divas.

According to him “The Truth is bitter”.


“Truth is bitter!” We chorused as we swallowed from the plate of Bitter leaf soup and drank 17:59.
As we continued, I remembered the first day I ate bitter leaf soup and 17:59 all thanks to Flow, that day my tongue was bitter for one whole week. This happened in the era when one consumed bitter leaf soup with honey close by to avoid damaging one's tongue.


“Man wey dey reason!” We hailed on the entrance of Man.
“eeennnnnnn! My people wey dey reason!” He returned, drinking from my bottle of 17:59.

“So how e go be? How the interview go be?” I questioned.
“I don tell you make you no worry, I go give you trouser? I get two!” He replied.
“No be that thing wey I dey talk sef” I turned to him and I noticed he was wearing my shoes; the one I gave to wear for his uncle’s child dedication two Sundays ago“I dey talk of the kin question wey dem go ask”
“Oboy leave that questions thing, I don read for me and you”
“Person dey read for person?”



JULY 15th, 2014, 7:45am
I had finishing dressing up and stood at the bus-stop adjacent the part of the bush where OK republic is located waiting for Man wey dey reason, I guess he would give a tangible reason why he kept me waiting.

“Oboy wetin happen na!” I saw him coming “You kept me waiting!”
“Guy no vex! I go give aboki my shoe make him polish, the guy waste my time well well” He apologized, “make we enter motor na!”
We flag a cab that screeched and halt in front of us.
“Ladies first!” I gestured to Man.
“Who be lady?” We both laughed.

I had forgotten the trouser Man borrowed me was very tight, as I freely stretched my left leg to enter, I heard “Braaaaaaaaa!”
“Ahnnnn! Who mess?” I could hear it was Man that said rubbish.
“Mumu! My trouser nahim mess, no be me mess!”

Tgold1:
Flow1759 u won't seize to amaze me...


Still you flow, still I follow

Then this next update will amaze you more.

SEPTEMBER 24, 2014, 6pm

“Flow I thank God for your life ooh” We were at St. Peter Basilica that evening. 404 on the table, Palm wine in the Ololo on the floor.
“thank God for my life for wetin?”
“That girl Diva almost kill you for lie-lie pregnancy ooh hahahaha!” Man laughed.
“I swear!” I took a sip of the palmwine in front of me.
“Hahhahaha!” We all laughed.


“Oboy the pammy don finish ooh!” Snow noticed, “make we buy another Ololo na”
“Make e finish na, the pammy dey kuku taste salt-salt” Flow noticed.

“Mfon! Mfon!” I called.
As I asked Mfon about the taste of her pammy I stared at her heavy-duty a-rss, mouth ajar, and saliva dripping.
“Mfon why your pammy dey taste salt-salt?” I asked, “abi you put am salt?”
Sounded like: “Mfon why your nyash dey big like this, abi you put am fertilizer?”
“Mbok I no put am salt oh” I was so high that I was seeing another face Mfon carried on her lower frame. A smiling face, so I smiled back.
“Why you dey rook my nyash na, mbok” Mfon noticed
“Me? look your nyash? I dey look Television oh” I lied.


“Make we no take another pammy again, I get one idea” Man’s suggestion
That was a suggestion that made me swam in the gutter later that night.

“wetin be the suggestion?” I asked.
“Emma you know that Hausa estate wey dey for back of Chukwu street?” Man asked me.
“Hausa estate?” I was lost, “which Hausa estate?”
“That Hausa estate wey them build with zinc na!” Man continued, “that batcha”
“I no know am ooh”
“Okay e get one BKT joint wey dey there” Man said, “make we go there go drink BKT”

“wetin be BKT?” Snow asked.
“BKT means Books Kill Teacher” Flow answered and laughed.
“Flow why you dey laugh am na?” Man said, “No mind am BKT mean Burukutu”
“Na one drink wey be like Pammy” I added, “them dey drink am for North, na Hausa people drink”

“But if we drink the Burukutu after we don drink pammy, e no go make sense na, e go be mix-co-gboo be that” Snow was so Naïve.

On hearing the Ibo word mix-co-gboo, I recalled way back when it was just I and Snow staying the house-before Flow came, I remember steadying my head inside our toilet hole all night long because I and Snow drank a mixture of vodka with stout in large quantity.
Snow had told me the next morning that my experience was mild compared to his, that he burnt half of the hairs on his head with fire-lighter in other for him to look like Bob Marley. That was cazy!

The craziest was that he p’ooed in our cooking pot and cooked it with seasoning.

The next morning while dishing out the yam porridge I saw in the pot, I asked, “who cook this yam porridge? e sweet ooh”

“oooh my God!” I ate sweet potatoes porridge.

yungrashee:
flow baba is back... still we flow!!!

Yeah still we flow

JUNE 24, 2014, Morning.
“Baby you used to be my cup of tea, but now I drink Vodka” Flow said to Diva his girlfriend.

“But baby I still love you! I love you so much!” Diva held his hand.

From where I stood watching from the corner of the window I could see that Flow was about kissing her.

Lips were magnetizing gradually, until all of a sudden, Flow spat on Diva.
Oh my God!
“You disgusting me!!” Flow pushed her away.
“What? you spit on me?” Diva was shocked.
“And I will p’oo on you if you don’t leave my house this moment”
“But Flow why na? Why you pour spit for this fine girl Diva na?” I almost spoke out.


Diva moved close to the door and pursed, arms outstretched, and said “Happy belated birthday Flow!”
“Me be late? Na your papa be late” That was unromantic of Flow.

Hitting the wrapped gift of her hand, Flow said; “To hell with your gift, I don’t accept gift from strangers”
“So I am now a stranger to you!” I saw a Diva’s tears.

Flow bang the door signifying the end of his relationship with Diva, her gift was thrown to her, I hid myself very well, praying fervently; my prayer was not for Diva to see me as she walked out, but for her not to go pick up the gift Flow threw behind her.

“e fit be money ooh!” I said to myself.

As Diva left the premises, I quickly rushed to the gift on the floor and rush back to my hiding place.
Then the unwrapping began. I unwrapped the first box, it contained another box.

Unwrapping the second pink box, yet it contained a yellow box.
“Wetin go dey inside this box sef? abi na wedding ring?” I thought, “abi this girl wan engage Flow?”
“Flow you get luck oh, na woman dey engage you no be you dey engage woman” I thought aloud.

Opening then third box, I met an envelop.
“Abi na letter bomb?”
As I opened the envelop, I met a neatly folded paper, opening the paper the first text my eyes caught a glimpse of was; “UPANA HOSPITAL PORT HARCOURT”
Next was “Pregnnancy test result!” written boldly.

“god of Abagana! So Flow don give this girl belle?”

“Hahahahahaha!” I laughed out loud.

“Who dey laugh there?” I heard Flow from inside.

“Mumu boy, come read your letter here ooh!”

skubido:
flow flow,, nice wan bro, nothing do u


abeg mo dey flow dey go oooo

Thank you, I love you guys

diaryOfpersius:
Flow Is back......... Ride on brother.......

Yeah I am. I miss you guys.

While I smoked weed at OK republic, my stomach rumbled.
“Beans at work!” I said to myself.
Just then, I remembered my last experience with beans……..

Flow and Snow had gone job hunting, so I told myself “why not try your hands on beans” a bad spirit told me.
“Okay!” I answered the bad spirit
Beans was on fire for One hour thirty minutes yet the water in the pot was rising higher.
“na water beans be this?” I cried.
“wetin I go do to this beans na” I lamented, “and I dey really hungry!!”
“I know what to do” I reached a decision “I go bring am down leave am make e cold, if e cold the water go dry”
I left the kitchen to go have a haircut and on returning; I cried. The water increased. The pot was flooded.
I was really hungry, plus, I bought the beans with my last card.
Nobody wey go say him mama food no sweet, therefore I continued eating my
“water beans” little did I know.…………………………………


“hmmmm! I say who farting here!” Man was furious and mad.
“You dey mad ooh, you mess, you com say who farting” Flow cursed.
I knew the odour Man’s fart produces, I was sure it wasn’t his fart. Or could it have been my own fart unknown to me? You know sometimes my farts are accidental discharge. Or so I thought.
But on a second thought my fart never stench like dead goat of four days, not mine.
“You say na me mess!” Man stood up with fury.


Soon our dear Man punched Flow on his jaw. Flow was on the ground in no time, eyes closed, body steady.
“Man! You don kill Flow my brother” Snow was on Man’s neck.
The atmosphere was lousy, something in me told me to flee, I was losing grip of the Okoli I held, I saw Flow’s face pale.
“Oya wake am!!!” Snow yelled, “You must wake my brother ooh!!”
All I saw was death written in Uppercase all around flow.
“My man Flow, so naso you go” I spoke deep down, “One blow, you shift! Flow! Flow anah!”
“I go kill you oh!” Snow was about killing Man.
“Sorry na! I no mean to kill am, him say na me mess nahim make” Man cried.
“Eheen! No be you mess?” Snow yelled, “ehhhnnn! Answer me na! No be you mess?”
“Na me oooh!” Man confessed.
“So na you mess and you don go kill person wey dey accuse you!” I managed to talk.
“And today na him birthday!” Snow cried, “Today na Flow birthday”
Awww! I instantly remembered that Flow had informed us that morning that it was his birthday.
“So he died on his birthday!” Tears crawled down my eyes
“Wetin sef, if today na him birthday nkor? make I no mess again? Messing is a freedom of speech!!” Man expressed.

“Messing is a freedom of speech!” It resounded in my head.
Just then, I knew that I was about losing another friend or two.

skubido:
flow flow,, nice wan bro, nothing do u


abeg mo dey flow dey go oooo

I will try to update regularly. This story defines longivity

Alexgeneration:
FLOW is back ooooooo



Another thriller is loading.


Guy, where you run go hide na, abeg no run again, just dey give us better tori.



Welcome Bro

I dey since na, I no hide. I just go underground.



Pls it should be noted by all that Names, Places and organizations mentioned in this story is a fiction of the writer's imagination inasmuch as the story is real as told. Thank you

“I miss home, I miss my mum, I pray papa comes back to life, even though him come back, I know say I no go fit go back to school go start again, water don already pass garri, that is why i dey drink Garri now”



JUNE 23, 2014
“Flow how far na? where you dey since morning! I don dey here dey wait una sotey s’hit don dey comot for my n’yash” I wasn’t happy Flo and the others came behind schedule, “S’hit wey I suppose s’hit for OK republic with Okoli for my hand”

Okoli is my surname……Emmanuel Okoli is my name, I am from Dunukofia in Anambra state. If there is one vegetable I love so much, that vegetable is Okoli. I love Okoli so much, not because it spells my surname, I love Okoli so much not because if smells great, I love Okoli so much because my friends love it. Yes my friends Flow, Snow and Man love it so so much. In fact they love it mucher than me. Yes “mucher”, you heard me right, mucher.

“Emma this your Okoli is mucher than my own ooh!” Man was puffing from a large Jumbo yet he complained.
I was wondering when the English language would be fair to weed smoker and allow us invent our words and these words should take pride of place in the English dictionary, just when. Lost in my thought with Okoli on my hands.


“Snow you be big olodo oh! Moon nahim big pass Sun!” was another argument.
“Flow you be Mumu ooh! How you go talk say Moon big pass Sun?” I was confused, my thinking faculty was flying with the flames the Okoli in my hand produced.
The argument continued as the Sun shone so bright on the shinning bald head of Man.
“But Man wetin you think for this matter sef?” I inquired
“Me? Think?” He gave that look like the other day…….
…….The other day when he was asked “Man, who colonize Africa?” and his answer was that Africa was colonized by Nigeria.


“Yes na you, wetin you think for the matter? Sun big pass Moon abi Moon big pass Sun?” I was anxious of his response.
“Answer na! What do you think? Abi you don forget your brain for house like the other day?” Snow was running out of patience.
Our dear Man gave us a look like yet the other day………..
………The other day when everyone else except him was involved in the old secondary school debate “Teacher and Doctor who better pass?”, his legendary contribution to the argument was “when I reach house I go find out from my brain”

“chmmmm!” Man coughed, “For Sun and Moon, none of them big pass, my head big pass the two of them, if my cousin Naeto wan draw Moon or Sun for assignment wey dem give am, I dey tell am make him use my head do the sketch”