₦airaland Forum

queenitee:
OMG, lwkmd

Babe you fine sha. Gimme your digit na? Abi how you see am?

I dey look for wife.

#Single and Searchet water

Flames33:
So I dey alive flow return?

Chaiii... flow nwanne, okwa gi mere m bata nairaland... Your stories dey tori die... Person go laugh hin rib com dey pain am...

Daaluoooooo

Daalu! Kee kwanu

"Guy where you dey! Hello! Ola! Who am i speaking to? Pls i need to speak to the owner of this phone" Ogbonta tried reaching Ola.

"Walahi the owner of this pone i don die! I no gree wake up"

Presidentiail hotel Port Harcourt, located in the heart of the Garden City - Port Harcourt 'Capital of Rivers State', Nigeria, less than an hour drive from the international and domestic airport. Along Ph-Aba expressway a stone throw from Port Harcourt Libration Stadium there lies Ola in the shop of one Bureau the change agent adjacent the hotel.

"Muhammed! Wetin you say i dey happen to this man?" The shop owner asked his sales person.

"I see the man dey waka like person wey i wan die, naso him com yamutu por plont of our shop, i think say him don even caput sef"

"Mohammed! Walahi Talia! This man mouth dey smell Burukutu, e be like say him go drink buruku ooh"



Earlier

12:41pm Ola reached Presidential Hotel to sell the Gold necklace they stole from Dornu Mum's room.

"Oga na Gold i wan sell?" One tall dark young man on white caftan asked.

"Yes ooh, how you dey sell am?" They both located a sitting position.

"Make i see am first, how many carat gold e be?"

"Carat?" Ola lost his brain, "wetin be carat?"

"Carat na! How many carat gold e be na?"

"Me? Carat? I no sabi fight carat ooh! Na Gidigbo i sabi fight!" Ola smiled, "abi you no know say i be Yoruba boy"

"Hahahaha! Oga you funny ooh! I mean carat na!" The man percieved he could cheat Ola.

"Okay! Carat? E be like say na 45 carat ooh!" His brain returned.

Negotiation began immediately Ola brought out the Gold. I mean Goldes.

"See them this Goldes na correct Goldes" Plural of Gold is Goldes, don't you know.



"So i go pay you 85 thousand naira for all the gold" The man counted the money he held.

All the while the corner of Ola's eyes was on one liquid mixture by his side.

"Take the money! Na 85 thousand naira be this" The man handed over the Goldes - i mean moneyses according to Ola the "pluralist"

"This meneyes complete?" The pluralist turned Spanish.

"Yoo mehn! It is completed" Our Malam spoke French in return.

Ola pocketed the money and asked, "wetin be dis thing wey this man dey mix?" Ola asked what he had longed to ask.

"Na BKT na! Burukutu! You dey drink am?"

"Why not? I be professor of Burukuology Washington university?"

"Ehen! You mean am?" The gold man was surprised.

"Yes na! Na me be oniburukutu one of Ilesa" Oloriburuku Ola was off guard.

"Oloriburuku!" The man hailed.

"Baba e ni oloriburuku! Gbogbo family e ni oloriburuku!" Ola cursed.

"Oloriburuku ba! Me sef be oloriburuku, me and you be oloriburuku" Our malam was smiling.


"This BKT taste like pammy ooh!" Ola was on his second cup.

"No! Haba! E no taste like pammy, e taste like Fura de Nunu" The malam was still on his first cup, "taste my own na!"

He offered Ola his cup of BKT and smiled.

"Oooh boy! Your own sweet ooh! Wetin you put inside" He asked.

"I mix am with Fara de Nunu"

Fura de Nunu and BKT equals Barleys. Try it. #Just try it#

Ola tried it and he almost didn't live to testify.

Second cup mixed with Fura, third, fourth, fifth and sixth. Ola was mad, he could barely breathe.





"Oga the man don move! Walahi Him dey alive!" Muhammed at the Bureau the change where Ola lied noticed.

"Alah is great! Carry am stand up" The shop owner said.

"Where i dey so?" Ola questioned.

"Where you dey? You dey Buru de change!" Muhammed informed Ola.

"Buru? I no buru ooh, i good! I be good boy!" Ola stood up.

"You wan dey go house?" Muhammed asked him.

"Yes na! I wan go house Abi na here i go sleep?" Ola could barely feel his legs, "where my leg?"

"Ahan! See your leg here na" Muhammed showed him his leg.

"Where am na?" Ola was wiggling.

"See am na"

"Okay i don see am!" Ola mentioned, "abeg help me fix am make i waka!"

"Oga i no fit fix your leg for you na!" Muhammed was lost.



"Ola stand well! Na man you be!" He was flying like a flag as he stood at the bus stop.

"Abi you wan chop Rice?" He saw a local fast food nearby.

"Eeeeeeh! Wey that 85k wey dey my pocket?" He checked to find it under his feet.

Now these are the mentions:

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Streetmade:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha flow u don kill person wit laughter oh ;DHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha flow u don kill person wit laughter oh

I promise not just to make you laugh, but to blow your mind also

"My friend! Will you shut up! When you dey sell person land you no know?" Flo fired.

"I am sorry! I am very sorry!" Dornu cried.

"You are sorry abi! Wait make Ogbo baba go buy card put for him phone call your paps nahim you go know say you are sorry" Nas said, "Your paps must pay us our money"

"Nas!" Flo yelled, "which one be paps?"

"Okay! Oga Flo you no know whats up ooh! So you no know say paps naso Jamaican people dey call papa" Nas returned.

"You are a mad man! Will you go and prepare make we dey go work?" Flo cursed, "see your bush farm shoe!"

"Oga this my shoe na Ferragamo ooh"




"Hello! Is this Honorable Bele Burabari!" Ogbo baba was on call, "..............My name is Ogbo baba, i am a kidnappper! I have your daugther!.................. All i need is 2 million Naira and your loving daughter will be back in your loving arms..................... Speak with her"

"Dad! I am dying here! Give them the money plsss!" tears ran down her face.

"................. And honorable if you dear try to play a fast one on me.............. Your daughter will be roasted.................... Before i forgot sir, the longer your daughter stays here, the more number of times she will be raped.................And sir before i forgot also i think you G-wagon is nice" Ogbonta hung up.

"Sweatheart! What did you do with my land?" Ogbonta caressed his ex-girlfriend.

"Don't! Don't! Don't touch me!" Dornu pushed him.

"But Dornu why! Why will you sell my land! Ali ndam!" Ogbonta still came closer for a kiss.

He did kiss her albeit forcefully and said, "you still remain as sweet as ever!"

Dornu slapped him a jaw cracking one. "You bastard! Bloody cheat!"

Ogbonta had been cheating on Dornu with one Akwa Ibomites Ididiong.

Ididiong went extra length to charm Ogbonta from Dornu; preparing Akpankukwo and Edika ikong that could spine head and water mouths.

Ogbonta always dreamt of the Akpankukwo and palm wine Ididiong Umoh's younger sister always bring home for him as a boaster to performing better in bed. Yet he was weak. As weak as mushroom.

"You no fit efen pervom well for bet, you can't fit fiuck oh!" She giggled after sex with Ogbonta on his birthday.

"So all this sweat wey i sweat on top you you no dey feel am abi?"

"I no dey feel am efen half!" Idi said.

"No worry next time i go try perform well!" Ogbonta assured her.

Ogbonta was a complete failure when having sex with Idi; watermelon like she had christened him, but when having sex with Dornu he was King kong; my hero like she always called him. What was the difference? Desire.



"You! You......... You know i love you! I will always love you" Ogbonta had reached o'rgas'm sexing Dornu on the floor in Flo's room.

"Yeeeeh! Oooooh! Shhhh!" It was that time to reach climatic climax.

"Pon! Pon! Kpoon" Someone was at the door.

"Who be that!" Ogbonta waited for a while before he responded to the knock.

"Na me! Na Ade!" He jumped up leaving Dornu na'ked.

"Ade, i dey come make i come open the door"

"Whats up Ade? What of Nnamdi? How una take waka na?" Ogbonta asked.

"Nnamdi dey for Ogbunabali" Ade informed.

"How far una sell the motor?" Ogbonta asked.

"We first go Ogbunabali go meet the man wey Nnamdi call for phone, but the man dey price rubbish price, him dey price the motor 1 million, so i com call one of my church member wey be car dealer" Ade narrated.

"I leta flush the G wagon to the man for 5 milliion Naira" Ade said, "Me and him go bank go see the bank manager, bank manager com transfer all the 5 million Naira from him account enter my current account! I try to call you your number dey switch off na!"

"No mind me jor, as i dey comot for house say make i come here before them Flo go comot for house go their shop, my phone com fall for ground, e no gree on again, see na Flo phone i put my SIM card, even sef this him phone battery no good sef, e dey off-off" Ogbonta narrated

"Okay money don dey now na! You go buy iphone if you like"


"So the 5 million dey your account so?" Ogbonta asked.

"Yes na! E dey my current account!" Ade nodded.

"King maker baba!" Ogbonta hailed.

"Thats me!!"

"What of Ola wey go sell them the Gold necklace?" Only if Ogbonta had known what Ola was facing as he spoke.

yellow237:
cheiiiiiii ololololooooo I don laugh throw my money for food, flow u no go kill person,I still dey laugh for Chinese language xchichonnyooxvi only Chinese go understand that one

I understand Chinese you know!

"Who be rat? Who be rat!" Effiong unbolted the gate.

"Na your papa be rat!" Ade needed to frown and not joke. He needed to be James Adewale Bond even though he was fidgety and had developed cold sweat.

"Eeeeh! SOD Ade my man!" Effiong extended his hand for a handshake.

"Who you dey hail? My friend will you lie down" Ade's gun was pointing directly at Effiong's trailer-pack Nose as he entered.

"Yeeh! Sorry! King maker na me ooh! Na your man Effiong ooh" Effiong reminded Ade.

Rule number one in SOD says: Never you trust your fellow disciple with your betslip, never!

"Trust me na, i dey carry you go her room, i no dey carry you go the wrong room" Effiong was sweating profusely.

"Me? trust you! You wey i give my scholarship paper make you hold for me, and when the game enter you com dey tell me say you no know where the scholarship paper dey" Ade reminded Effiong, "And that day i win 15k ooh! Guy you wicked! You think say Ola no tell me say you tell am say you win 15k for SOD?"

"No vex! No be my faulty, na hungry cause am"

"My friend shut your crap and move!" The Chicken lap did more of the talking for Ade as Effiong was moving the direction of the gun.

"I go move ooh! I go move!"

"Taeawai!" Ade slapped Effiong hard on his head, "you get mind ooh! I dey here you dey mess abi?"

"Sorry sa! I no go messing again!"



Meanwhile, "lets move in, its time!" Ogbonta signaled.

"This thing wey we wan do so, e no good ooh! I no wan follow una! I no well ooh!" Ola lagged beyind.

Funke Ola's sister had narrated her bad dream to Ola the previous morning; telling him she saw he and his friends crying in the bush and that Ola cried most. That Ola's tears caused flood in the bush chasing all the animals from their homes.

"Ode! That tears wey you see na tears of joy, me wey go soon hammer" Ola assured her.


"Move in! Move in!" Ogbonta beaconed.

"Ola move fast na" Nnamdi stepped on Ola.

"I no well! I don tell una say i no well!"


To Ade.

"na her room be this!" Ade yelled loudly, "oya knocked!"

"Pooookpo!" Effiong knocked.

"Who is there?" Ade heard the shower stopped running.

"Na me Effiong ooh!" Effiong replied.

"Effiong my love! Come in and lets have sweet s'ex!!'

"Effiong! Sweet s'ex?" Ade was shocked, "so you dey waya your madam?"

Effiong nodded slightly and Ade was painting pictures of Dornu' curve already.He saw her n'.aked portrait hung on the door frame in his mind's eyes. His volcano had no choice but to erupt.

"Ade your p'rick don stand ooh!" Effiong noticed.

"My p'rick? Stand? Who tell you that one? Naso e dey jor?" Ade said, "My friend open this door?"

The door was opened within split seconds and within split seconds also Ade noticed Dornu stood n'aked from head to toe standing opposite the door.

The curves, the two water melons, the Coca cola sharp shape and the Bamuda triangle.

"King maker? What are you doing with a gun?" Dornu forgot she was n'aked

"I........... I.......... I......... I am with a gun?" Ade was lost, he had longed for the day he could see Dornu his crush n'akedness.

Just then the rest guys stormed in in this order; Ola, Nnamdi then Ogbonta.

"Ogbo baba you sure say we go continue with this kidnapping" Ola was drowning in the Bamuda triangle he was seeing.

Galacious1:
Big ups Flow1759

Big ups to you too.

The day came for the plan to be executed.

"Guy help me charge this my phone abeg!" Ade handed over his Kpalasa to Effiong.

"But we no On Gen ooh" Effiong returned, "Our Gen don spoil"

"But just still help me charge am if una repair the Gen" Ade said.

"We no go repair the Gen today, dem my people no dey house, them travel!" Effiong informed Ade.

Heart attack!

"You say wetin?" Ade inquired, "Them tra..... Wetin?"

"Them travel na, them travel since last week na, them travel go South Afica, them dey come back next tomorrow"

"Yawa!"

"Dornu follow them travel?" Ade's heart skipped.

"No ooh! She no follow them go, she dey house" Ade's breath returned.


"Just help me charge am for una place, incase light come" Ade stammerred.

"But na the same light wey we dey use una dey use na" Effiong reminded Ade.

"No na them useless NEPA people don cut our light"


17:59 was the time to strike holding that Dornu's parent were out of town.

"Knock! Knock! Knock!!" Ade knocked at the gate.

"Who be that wey no sabi knock!" Effiong jumped up from where he was lying down.

"Na me! Na your man SOD Ade the king maker!"

kayspark27:
oga flow welcum back
buh u failed to mention me o.
tank God I saw it on fp.

Na man you be

"The plan be say make we kidnap Dornu" The boys sat at Umoh's drinking.

Silence for a while.

"But Nnamdi how we go do am na" Ade was present.

Nnamdi took a gulp of the bottle of palm wine in front of him before narrating how the plan was to unfold; his plan.

"Ade you know say you and Effiong that dem Dornu gateman na friend!"

"Ehen! Effiong na my guy for school of disciple na, two of us na disciples na"

"Okay, if you go school of disciple on Saturday morning, you go give am that your laptop make him charge am for you for their house, you know say them dey get light steady" Nnamdi continued, "so when you wan go collect your laptop back in the afternoon na only Dornu and Effiong go dey house you know say her parents na sabath them be, dem go don go church and she no dey follow them go their church, she go dey house, so you go use daga threaten Effiong make him go show you where Dornu room dey"

"So na only me go kidnap her?" Ade the king maker.

"Ade wait na! Wait make him explain finish" Ogbonta cautioned.

"How e go be only you? We go park Ogbo baba Kpof Kpof near bush and all of us go enter 3 minutes after you enter" Nnamdi said, "so we go carry the girl enter Ogbo baba Kpof Kpof drive her go Flo house, you know say him house dey for bush, nobody go know say na there we carry her go.

"E make sense! But you know say we need to cover our face so the girl no go know say na us!" Ogbonta suggested.

"Forget that thing jor, we no need to cover our face, when she dey sell your land shey she cover her face?" Nnamdi reminded.

"But we need tasty fried chicken for this mission ooh!" Ade suggested.

"Ade oju kokoro ni e! You too like food! Wetin concern chicken and this mission wey una wan go so!" Ola spoke for the first time.

"You be jonzing boy oooh! You no know say chicken na gun, and tasty fried chicken na stainless gun?" Ade educated Ola his Yoruba brother.

"So where una go get tasty fried chicken na?" Ola was exempted himself from the mission.

"You dey mad ooh! Instead of you to say where we go see tasty chicken lap, you dey say where una go get tasty fried chicken, who be una? Abi you no wan follow us go?" Ogbonta attacked.

"Okay where we go see chicken buy?" Ola wished he could excuse himself from the mission.

"We no go buy, we go hire"

"Flo! Flo go fit help us hire chicken, better one!" Nnamdi said.

"I go reason am the thing this evening!" Ogbonta could see Flo in his shop attending to customers from where he sat at Umoh's

"But how much we go ask Dornu papa to pay us before we go release him daughter?" Igbo man Nnamdi asked.

"Hmmmm, make we ask for 500k!" Ogbonta suggested.

"500k too small ooh! Make we ask for 1.5 million Naira you know say him papa na former house of rep member, him go fit afford 1.5 million" Nnamdi countered.

"Na true ooh, and we go fit share the money, e go reach all of us wella!" Ola spoke out.

"So how we go take share the money when e come?" A typical igbo man would always ask such question.

"Enadi!! We never see money you don dey ask how we go take share am! Omo ibo buru! Omo ibo ya were!" Ola cursed.

"Same to you, i wish you the same!" Nnamdi returned, "abeg tell them make them give me another plate of 404 and one bottle of pammy"

"Ola abeg make the 404 and pammy go round jor! Today na your bieday and you win 50k for school of disciple yesterday"

"Na true ooh today na him bieday ooh! Make we sing am bieday song na"

"Happy bieday to you...............Happy bieday to you................. Happy bieday to..................."

Palm wine rained on Ola who turned 30.

boffinjay:
lolz.always funny.tnx 4 d update

Thanks for reading

"Guy Ola na our man ooh, make we no just leave am like that, him fit die there ooh" Like he was not already dead.

"Guy na one slap dem slap Ola nahim him die ooh" Nnamdi had always wanted Ola dead.

"Him never die, him go come back house" Ogbonta assured, "but my land! My land no go come back, Ali ndam!"

"Guy but you sure say na Dornu do you this thing?" Nnamdi said as they drove pass the Obiri Ikwerre bridge heading to Rumuigbo.

"Yes na! I dey sure! My guy wey dey stay close to that my land tell me say him see her when she dey sell the land to one big man"

"Women are wicked ooh! That girl? But her papa rich na, wetin she wan do with the money wey she get as she sell your land, wetin?"

"Mehn i no know oh, abi she wan just wicked me"

Silent for a while Nnamdi said, "But guy ooh i get one plan ooh, i no know whether you go like am ooh"

"Wetin be the plan..............?"




Meanwhile, purewater was poured on Ola to regain consciousness and stop his Epilepsis.

"Who you be?" One of the soldiers asked recovering Ola.

"Me? I be, i beeee........ I beeeeeee..."

"You be who?" Another of the soldiers yelled.

"I be Daughter of Zion" Ola murmured.

"You be wetin??" Another soldier yelled.

"I be Daughter of God" One slap and Ola was instantly transgendered.

"Daughter of God! Na your name be that?"

"Yes! Na my name" Ola had left planet earth.

"Okay, Daughter of God wetin bring you here?"

"God! Na God bring me here"

"God? Who be God?" A nonesense question.

"God na! God of Rumuigbo na, you no know am?" Ola was "jelly-fishing"

After about 30 minutes of asking stupid questions and getting f'oolish answers. "Abeg leave this m'umu make him dey go, spit don dey comot for him mouth, na die him dey so oooh!" One of the soldier suggested.

One of the soldiers - the slapping minister dragged Ola up yelling, "My friend if i see you near this place again i go change your name from Daughter of God to Woman of God"

"Yes ma! Yes ma! Yes ma!" Ola repeated.

Our Ola had turned genderology (if there is a word like that) converting everything male to female.

"Oya dey go!" Slapping minister pushed Ola.

"God! I no dey see well again, i don blind, my n'yash dey hot, catar dey catch me, i won piss, s'hit dey catch me, my body dey hot, my belle dey turn, my body dey shake, e be like say i get high blood pressure, yeeeh! Where road?" Ola creep-walked to the bus-stop.

"Olaniyi na man you be! Be strong!" He encouraged himself

Standing at the bus stop Ola was floating and bubbling, his phone rang.

"What is calling me?" Ola now a Living-to-nonliving-thing-ology.

"Whatin be this?" He asked his phone.

He managed to pick the call, "Hello! What am i talking to?............................. Ade na you?" Ade's voice on phone strengthened Ola.

".......................... You say wetin? The game wey i play enter..........Ehhn, You sure?.............. So i don chop 50k!" Ola's eyes cleared instantly, he was healed, the good news healed him.

"I don chop 50k ooooh!" He shouted.

Countrygirl:
so zero hate zero .....is actually your number.

I've never read any of your stories, will definitely follow this

You want it? You can have it!

JMK9600:
I have not read this but I know it's going to be bhhaaaaaddddddd. Mr Flow aka udeme aka 1759. Welcome after the long break. Flowing you bumper to bumper.

Make we follow ourselves bumper to bumper

yellow237:
flow! flow!! flowee!!! I hail my man..
if to say u be woman na me for marry u, but since say u be man i will give u my ex make u marry i sure say u go like am

Hahaha! If she fine, she no get K-leg, her mouth no dey smell, she no be messy-messy, she no get big eye, she no be albino, then give her my number.

My number dey for this story. Decipher it.

And so i made front page.

Thank you to all my fans; standing fans, ceiling fans, wall fans, and even Air conditioners.

Una be correct!

PS: something tells me Ishilove is somehow responsible for my hitting front page.

eROCK247:
Flow baba, welcome back. BTW u need to find a way to interpret the Igbo dialogues o! Glad to have u back boss!!

Okay Noted

August 20th 2014 is a day Ogbonta and his crew will never forget, especially Ola.

"Papa, i must kill person! Somebody go die" Ogbonta dashed out of his room heading towards his Mazda Kpof Kpof car.Car? Did i just say car? Sorry, motor car.

If you were Ogbonta's friend and you don't face his tough times with him, then you ain't fit to be called his friend.

"Una carry una cutlass abi?" Ogbonta asked his friends Nnamdi and Ola that were already seated in his Mazda Kpof Kpof waiting for him.

"Yes we carry!" Nnamdi responded.

"I no carry ooh!" Ola cried out.

"Okay take this my own! I hold daga here!" Ogbonta offered.

What of Ade? Why him no dey here?" Ogbonta asked.

"I tell am make him com follow us go oh, but him say him wan go school of disciple" Ola informed.

School of disciple is located east of Timaya street; just directly opposite the compound singer Timaya stayed in his porverty days.

Guess what? School of discipleship grooms great minds that towed the Bet9ja path; a subtle path.

"This motor no gree start ooh, una go come down com push am"

"Push........ Push!" sounded like "Mess............. Mess!" to our Ola from Messopomia.


"But guy how your sweet babe Dornu go go sell your land na?" Nnamdi said while they moved.

"And i trusted that girl! I trusted Dornu! Why will she do such a thing to me?" Ogbonta cried.

"Hmmn! Odeh! Okponu! You dey trust woman!" Ola dared not spoke out.

Ola had learnt from experience never to trust even a Hen. His heart had been cut into tiny particles by women, and he was carrying Amoeba in his chest not heart.

Ola had sold his fathers plasma TV to save the life of Yemisi's mother ill of cancer, months later Yemisi dumped him for Nnamdi - the cheerful give and cheerful collector too - Tax collector!

Ola had stolen his father's 200,000 Naira to give to Nkem Nnamdi's younger sister.

Ola had used Funke his sister's school fees to settle Chioma Nnamdi's ex house rent. He later found out that the two Anambrarians played a fast one on him; they were still dating.

Somehow Nmamdi always showed up in Ola's peril to cause him havoc, he was always related to Ola's tears.




"Guy! Wetin i dey see so? Soja!" They had reached.

"Where you see soja?" Ola replied.

"You no see them there?"

"Guy you be m'umu ooh, who tell you say those people wey sidon there na sojas?" Ola informed, "i know them na, dem be red cross members, dem dey com my mama place com drink Agbo well well"

"Guy you sure? Dem wear Army cap oh" Ogbonta said.

"Guy i dey tell you say i dey sure, even sef one of dem name na Ola, my name sake"

"Okay wetin we go do now? I need to reclaim my land!" Ogbonta said.

"See i go come down for this motor go hail dem, them be my guys!" Ola assured, "them dey red cross, dem no be sojas i dey tell you"

"But Ola see wetin them write for that sign post! Military zion, keep offor!"

The name of the writer of that bill must be Jideofor Ofor related to Sir Emeka Ofor the richest Igbo man in Nigeria. #Respect#

"Military zion?" Ola read, "Na Red cross zion dem suppose write there"

"Abeg make i go hail my guys jor!" Ola had stepped out of Mazda Kpof Kpof forgeting he was holding his cutlass.


"Guys how far!" He stretched out his hand for a handshake, "No mind this cutlass wey i hold so, i wan go clear my farm"

One of the soldiers stood up for a handshake; a cheekshake rather.

"Agboooiwoooaaar!" Earthquake happened on Ola's cheek and "rain drops" instantly descended from his eyes as he descended.

He could feel he had caught pile the female version.

"My son, the sun is gonna shine on everything you do!" A loud voice from above said while Ola was epileptic on the floor.

"But father all i see is cross, Red cross!"

"Then carry your cross my son, carry your crossssss!"

Therock5555:
Mr flow weldone sah

Welldone to another great writer

gunners160:
Nice one flow just that I am finding it a bit difficult to understand the story .Most of the update no dey in line with the previous once but I laugh die

I suppose you are a new fan of mine.

If you have been reading my stories you should know that it my writing style; i am still in the introduction of characters and their abilities using flash backs.

Each update is always linked to the previous read well. If you are confused read previous udate again before reading the next.

boffinjay:
lolz,funny update.pls bring maw 2nite.please

I wish! I am tired.

Ogbonta's kisses were memorable, highly romantic, out of the blues, mouth watering to talk less.

Those kisses were memorable and Dornu would never forget the cuddles too.

Handsome Ogbo baba nose-dived the relationship that would have lasted like diamond. Something caused it - Ali ndam.

In Ikwerre dialet Ali ndam means "My land"; and yes Ogbonta's land cost him his relationship with Dornubari his girlfriend.

Ogbonta owned 2 plots of land in Rumuekini, his land he so much cherished and adored. He had once promised to behead whoever tresspassed talk more of venturing to sell it.




"Oga make we call Ogbo baba tell am say dem don sell him land" Nas told his boss one Sunday morning as they walked pass Ogbonta's piece of land while returning from church.

"Yes we go call am! You no see wetin them write for the fence? dem write -This land is owen by Chief Emeka Eze, pleased keep ofor"

"Oga shey na Michael Owen get this
land?" Nas asked his boss while taking another look at the inscription on the fence.

"Them dey sell Ofor for here wey dem write - pleased to keep Ofor" Nas the illitrate.

"M'umu! No be wetin dem mean, dem no spell am well" Flo cursed.

"Oga i dey tell you wetin dem write here, na either Micheal Owen or Owen Gee nahim sell this land for Chief Emeka Eze Ofor" Nas professed.

"But who com be Owen Gee, Michael Owen and Emeka Eze Ofor?" Flo a graduate was instantly painted the emulsion of illiteracy Nas carried.

"Michael Owen dey play ball for Eyimba, Owen Gee na American Musician, Emeka Eze Ofor dey sell beans for Kano State" Nas brilliantly answered.

"Okay, i gree for all this people wey you talk so, but wetin i know be say make i call Ogbo baba tell am say dem don sell him land"


Meanwhile Ogbo baba was in church praying. His phone rang.

"Who be this mu'mu wey dey call me" Ogbonta put off his phone, "why is Flo disturbing me when i am discussing with my father"

"Hold your neighbour's hands, say neighbour! E no go better for the devil wey wan try me this year" The man of God announced..

"E no go better for..........................." Ola held Ogbonta's hand firmly.

"E no go better for.........................." Ola's phone rang.

"Ogbo! Ogbo! Flo dey call me!" He tapped Ogbonta mid-way the prayers.

"Ooh! Devil get behind me!" Ogbonta motioned.

"Na me be devil abi? I dey tell you say Flo dey call me you say devil get behind me!" He sneaked out.

"Hello! Flo wetin dey happen? We dey church call us back............ Ehnn? You say wetin? Dem don sell Ogbo baba land?................ Choi!"

"Say to your neighbour! You will dominate your land!" The man of God announced.

Just then Ola sneaked back in from outside saying, "Ogbo baba dem dom sell your land ooh!

"Ali ndam eeeeh!"

"Ola make we go smoke egboh!" Ade and Ola sat under the mango tree where Ola's mum sold Agbo the jedi version and so many other versions.

Just then Iya Funke Ola's mum entered.

"Kileso? Smoke kini?" she said.

"Mami kosi kan kan!"

"Mami na Agbo i wan drink, i no wan smoke anything" Ola said.

"You want Agbo, eheen i go mix am for you na" Like Agbo was food.

Taking Iya Funke's Agbo twice a week was indeed an elixir. People from far and wide trooped in to have a taste of her Soldier root, Monkey tail, Igbohgana, Okpeyin in the era where all these could be mixed with Alcohol and make one high. But as a result of the death of some "nonsense" Ogogoro drinkers in Rivers State, the government banned mixing herbal drugs with alcohol.

Talking of death caused by Agbo, Nnamdi was almost a victim sometime ago.

"Iya Funke abeg nak me Soja root make i drink, i dey get waist pain" Nnamdi and Ogbonta hung out at Iya Funke's.

"How many shot i go give you?" Iya Funke asked.

"Just give me two shot first, make i start with that one for now" Nnamdi said, "and give my man Ogbo baba two shot make him use step down"

"Thank you jor, but i want mix my own with Coke ooh!"

"Coke wetin? You wan die abi" Nnamdi returned.

"Who tell you say you go die? Nahim go make am work pass na"

Soldier root and Coke was the perfect blend that made Nnamdi ran about 3,000 metres marathon to and fro Ogologo street and Timaya street landing himself in police station; making him control traffic as a voluteer for Ogologo street.

Ogologo street is adjacent Timaya street isn't it why Timaya's song was titled "Ogolologo". Legend has it that singer Timaya stayed in present day Timaya street and when startdom beckoned the street was named after him and he left the street.

On your mark...... Set.......... Go

Our Nnamdi was racing.

From police station to psychiatric home was Nnamdi's fate. All these was all thanks to Ogbo Baba.

Legend has it that a typical Ikwerre boy is either wayward or a vagabon or both. Smoking, womanizing, and wait for it, kissing.

Ogbonta can kiss for Africa........

swiz123:
Wow!expecting more updates

Coming soon! My ba3 is down

"You dey talk say i be f''uc'k up guy, what of my phone nkor?" Ola attacked, "abi you no know say that man carry my phone for on top him motor go that day"

"Your phone! That your rubbish phone wey don spoil abi?" Ade said.

"You dey mad there! No be you spoil the phone?" Ola reminded.

Ade the King maker was the anopheles responsible for the malaria Ola's phone caught.

He had borrowed Ola's phone to entice Bisi the girl he wooed one night.


"My name is Ade the king maker!" Ade sugar coated, "I am from New York city, i schooled in California, i worked as a Bank manager in Florida, i just came to Nigeria to see my parents, its like you are new here? Whats your name?"

"Me?"

"No us!" Ade whispered.

"You said?" Bisi asked.

"I said you are drop dead delectable and gorgeous, and that you are driving me crazy" Ade continued.

"Thank you!" She smiled, "my name is Bisi".

"Okay! Bisi, thats a nice name, you have a phone? Can i have your number?"

"My number! My number is shero hate shero teri two six shero shefun six won won"

"You say what?? I beg your pardon? I didn't get that"

"I say shero hate shero..............."

"Dont bother, just dail it on this my Chiby phone" Ade handed over the phone to Bisi.

"The phone is hot oh, did you cook it?"

"That is how it is manufactured, it is always hot in cold weather and cold in hot weather; it is called weather for two, weather for two of us! You know!" He winked.

"Eheen! It is too hot ooh"

"Yes that whats up, hold it well oh" Ade cautioned.

"This is my number! Flash me"

Ade collected the pipping hot phone and on dailing her number, the phone went blank.

"Have you flash me?" Bisi asked.

"No i haven't flashed you, this phone dont flash, it calls, i will call you later" Ade slipped the phone into his pocket bearing the hotness.


Next day...............

"Ola how i go take see that girl, i no save her number before the phone spoil" Ade said to Ola as they walked passed the road he and Bisi walked searching for missing Bisi.

"You dey mad there! You don spoil my phone you dey tell me about woman"

"Sorry na! I don tell you say i go repair am for you na" Ade pet his friend Ola.

"Wait ooh! na here the girl tell me say she dey stay" Ade pointed at a handsomely ugly house opposite where they stood, just then an equally handsomely ugly girl walked out of the house to pour dirty water into the gutter.

"Shey na she be that?" Ola asked Ade.

"No be she ooh, how that babe go get this kin mark for face?" The face looked like bull dog with tribal marks but the body looked like that of pop star Beyonce.

Ade was sure the body was that of Bisi's but he couldn't just place the face. He remembered he was drunk last night.

"Bisi! Is that you?" Ade called out.

"Thats my name, i am Bisi" Ade's mouth was ajar.

"Ade the king maker! Is that you! Come na!" Bisi called out.

Ade crossed over and reaching Bisi he discovered Beyonce was far from it, it was Nicki Minaj.

"See n'yash oooh" Ola's mouth was ajar.

Not just his mouth, his right hand that held Chiby.

"Yeeerrrh! My phone don crack ooooh!"

Samsimple:
Oga flow well done oohh so u dey view dis thread now(4:45pm 11th july).. Bt u no won update...oga flow no vex me oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

No vex that time i dey office, i just say make i read my own story while sipping Zobo.

Baba street Rumuigbo is like every other Batcha settlement; the street rough and rugged, the buildings scattered. You could hardly find dogs roaming about the street because of the large settlement of Akwa Ibomites. Umoh's 404 joint was out of this world- every bone of it!.

Just opposite Umoh's 404 joint is Flo's intercontinental restaurant - a perfect blend of hospitality. Right beyind Umoh's 404 joint lies a palace of Coke. Not Coca Cola now; Coke, just Coke.

Coke studio owned by Ogbonta.

Several conglomerates of businesses had sprout out of Baba street but Coke studio stands out amongst all.

Ogbonta owned and managed his Coke studio deligently little wonder he is affiliated with the high and mighty who prefers his "granulated" Coke.



"Guy if you see this car wey one of my customer drive come buy Coke yesterday eehnnnn!" Ogbonta's love for cars.

"Which customer?" Ola asked.

"Barrister Sambo na! You no know am na!" Ogbonta replied.

"How i go know am, i dey take Coke?" Ola reminded

"Who want you to take coke? You no fit take coke sef" Ade said, "abeg Ogbo Baba tell us how the motor be jor"

"Na latest Range rover sport, if you see the wheel ehhn!" just then Nnamdi walked in.

"Na that type of motor i go buy next month" Ola said.

"You dey mad there! You wan buy motor! You wey be f'u'ck up guy! Na you make us miss that Toyota spider wey we for thief that day" Nnamdi reminded Ola.

Ola Lilly and Rose livered.



The story goes thus:

A chubby pot bellied man came out of his car one hot afternoon asking Ola and Nnamdi seated outside after Ogbonta.

"Pls i am looking for one Ogbo Baba, someone directed me to him and gave me his number, i called him telling him i was coming to see him, he told me to come after describing this place, but on getting here, his number isn't going again" The man narrated.

"Oga we know where Ogbo Baba dey stay, but before we go carry you go, you go show us love" Nnamdi the cheat.

The chubby man did showed Ola and Nnamdi love, but his keys dropped.

His car keys dropped as he dipped his hand into his pocket without his noticing.

"See your car key don fall" Ola almost said but Nnamdi tapped him to silence.

"Ola carry am go show am where Coke studio dey!" Nnamdi said.

"Coke studio! I am looking for Ogbo Baba not Coke studio" the man was lost.

"Ehehim.Na for Coke studio nahim you go see Ogbo baba na!" Ola assured him.


On returning from Coke studio Ola saw Nnamdi close to the chubby pot bellied man's car comfirming it was not alarmed.

"Guy i hope say no be wetin i dey think so you wan do?"

"Na wetin i wan do ooh!" Nnamdi replied, "abeg come drive this car make we comot here"

"I no dey drive anything, drive am by yourself" Ola replied.

"But you know say i no sabi drive na!"

"That one concern you ooh! I cant steal somebody's car ooh!"

While they argued how they were to steal the car, Funke walked pass smiling, little did they know she overhead them and she was on a mission.

Her mission was to go tell the chubby pot bellied man the plans of her brother and Nnamdi.

"Mami dey look for me?" Ola asked his sister.

"No, Mami no dey look for you, continue!"

Nnamdi immediately sensed something cray fishy about the look on Funke's face.

Before Nnamdi could say Jack Thompson and think of his next move, the chubby pot bellied man came out shouting "thief! theif!"

Ola and gutters are best of friends no gainsaying that.

Ola slipped and stamped his whole body in the full to the brim June Gutter. The same gutter Flo p'oos on late at night after the close of work.

Rising to see if the chubby man was after him he at that point noticed his face was all mascaraed with "portor-portor" and fufu-like p'oo.

The chubby man chased after Nnamdi while Nnamdi chased after Funke the whistle blower.

Soon the chubby man tired stopped on seeing his car keys had been dropped by Nnamdi, yet Nnamdi kept chasing Funke.

Ola with the mascara on his face stopped abruptly when he discovered his phone was not with him.

He had kept his Chiby phone on top of the man's car while he was undecided whether to drive the car or not.

"My Chiby!" He turned.

The man drove pass but Ola from his hide out noticed the phone wasn't on top of the car.

"My Chiby!"

My sweet heart! i don't want to catch you, Wait for me!" Nnamdi shouted still chasing Funke.

His mission was to rape Funke in the mortuary - an opportunity for him.

#Say no to rape#

Mrlemuel:
He who reads flow1759 story without laughing his lungs, heart, and kidney out has either lost his laughing faculty in Bet9ja, or still thinking of MMM.
Oga Flow, Whenever I enta nairaland, and story no dey, I dey always reread ur tori, from Igbo boy wey like yoruba, to Man wey dey reason, to flow and snow... on and on.
keep it up bro!

Thanks Bro. I promise you more laughter.

Samsimple:
na legendary writers u mention so ooohh

God be praised i am now legendary

FoxyFlow:
I dey here too.....

FoxyFlow keekwanu