₦airaland Forum

"Flo you no get sense ooh! Dem no beat me, i fall inside gutter as i wan pursue the guy wey wan carry my phone run"

"I don see you na! Super man!" Flo hailed.

"You no go believe me na!"

"I believe you i swear! Hahaha! I believe you die!" Flo said, "where the phone sef?"

"Why you dey ask me where the phone dey? See am here!" Ola brought out his Chiby phone, "abeg give me beans and bread make i chop"

"How much beans?"

"100 naira own na! Put am vegetable ooh"

Dried vegetable was what Ola meant. The type that made Flo left his fast food joint and was dancing in the rain. Dancing n'aked. Dancing shoki in the era of the dance step.

Flo had on October 1st assured Nnamdi and the rest that he would eat four plates of beans mixed with 10 wraps of vegetable; the type he christened Vitamin C as a result of the clear fact that it makes one see clearer.

Victamin C could be traced to Ohaji Egbema where Flo hails from.

"Buy enough Vitamin C if you dey come back from Omoku ooh!" Flo was speaking to Nas his sales man on phone on the night of 30th of September.

Omoku was another place where half sack of Vitamins and minerals could be bought for just 1000 naira.

At about 12:46 pm on the 1st October, it was on a Sunday, Flo had cooked two pots of beans - one for his customers, one for himself and Nas.

"Shey today na your birthday!" Flo had dished out a mountain top of beans for himself without waiting for his friends to see him munch the plates of beans and "vegies" he promised.

"Why you dey ask me that question? You better go wash those dirty plate!" He commanded

Nas broke a plate when he had a shout "Noooo way! No way! No way!"

"No way wetin" Nas was shocked.

As Nas dashed in from the backyard to see who shouted, he saw eye-full.

"No way!" Flo took of his shirt and was unlocking his belt.

"No way to where oga Flo?" Nas saw his boss's formerly white boxers.

"No way! Nigerian soldiers cannot beat Biafran soldiers in this war when i am here!" Flo was shouting, "a whole me commander Flo!"

"Oga this your boxers too dirty oh!" Nas almost said, but to his greatest amazement his boss was n'aked soon.

"Oga you n'aked ooh" Nas said, "see your thing!"

"Your thing be like compass" He almost said.

"Who n'aked? You see me on my military regalia you say i n'aked" Flo admired his n'akedness for a while, "abi you no dey see well?"

"I dey see well ooh! Oga you n'aked!" Nas warned.

"M'umu boy! Help me find my Biafran Army beret make i wear for my head jor!" Flo replied, "okay see am here! I don see am!"

Flo was holding the third plate of beans he had just dished for himself and confidently stamped it on his head.

"Beans!" Nas yelled.

Our Flo was battle ready with his "beans plated beret" and Camouflage regalia.

Biafra must win this war!


He killed about two battalions of Nigerian soldiers with his AK 47 rifle in between his legs.

Wait for it! His gun was his "thing" and i guess his bullets were just two in number - his b'alls. Or so i thought.

His friends Ade, Ola, Nnamdi and Ogbonta were on their way to FLO INTERCONTINENTAL RETAURANT when they from a distance saw their friend Flo dancing shoki in the rain.

Even the heavens had blessed the victory of Biafra over Nigeria with a conventional rain.

Friends indeed! All Flo's friends ran for their dear lives save the Police shows up except Ola.

Ola stood for a while pondering.

"Hope say Nas no put pepper for this vegetable and beans wey Flo take wey make am dey mad so?" He recalled Nas combinning dried pepper with the vegetable and beans he served him on his birthday. That was the worst birthday that almost turned death day.






"You mix this beans and vegetable with pepper?" Ola asked Flo who was exploring his Chiby phone.

"Push the guy comot, him no get plenty money for him wallet!" Ola recalled those words.

His wallet was gone, but his phone wasn't.

"Take ur phone!" a voice.

A voice from heaven.

Immediately Ola's phone was taken from him by that guy and as he was about crossing over, he was ran over by a car and as eye witnesses heard Ola shouted "thief! Catch am!" they figured he was robbed by the guy.

Ola's phone was returned to him and he was helped out of the gutter. He was offered a ride and treatment on seeing he was bleeding yet he refused and acted like "actor no dey die for film"

Thank God he didn't die, becuase if he had died he wouldn't had lived up to celebrate his 30th birthday.

If he had died, we wouldn't have lived up to August that year when he won his first bet in Bet9ja.

Most impotantly if he had died Iya Funke his mother would have followed him to the grave so he would
provide the money she gave him to buy her herbal "Agbo" materials.

"Rumuola! Waterlines! Airforce!" A bus stop tout yelled.

Ola boarded this blue cab with so much joy in him that he too was now a "phone owner", Andriod phone owner!

Little did he know that............

"Waterlines dropping dey oh!" the passenger by Ola's right said.

As he alighted, he grabbed Ola's hand like it was his bag.

"Na my hand be that oohh" Ola giggled.

"Eheeen! If na your hand nkor!" he still grabbed Ola's hand.

"Leave my hand oh!" Ola cried.

"Common leave that phone!"

"My phone? Make i leave am?" Ola asked too many questions, "na your phone?" another question.

Ola instantly recieved a slap of his life and he went blank. Demons were flying all round his head.

"Give am him phone na!" the driver spoke.

"No be him phone! Na my phone!" His lacrimal gland was flooded.

Ola refused letting go of his phone and one of the passengers opened the door and was about pushing him out of the moving car.

"Push the guy comot, him no even get plenty money for him wallet"

Calisthenics moves was done by Ola as he was pushed out of the moving car yet he held his phone like he held his life.

"Give me that phone!" Ola could barely recognize where he was lying. He still saw demons, but mixed with some angels this time.

Yet our Ola held his phone losely this time.

Our man outside grabbed the phone and and ran. Something awakened Ola and he chased after him, little did he know there was a open gutter by the side.

His left leg first stampeded, then the right. His whole body was inside the gutter.

Save his mouth, he was dead.

He shouted with a loud voice "catch am! Catch am! Thief oh! My phone ooh!"

Ishilove:
Na you go kill me?

Why i go kill you! You be my love na. Straight up now! I must commend your writing skill. You are good. I wish to meet you someday.

In the beginning was Nnamdi, and Nnamdi was in Ogbunali doing business; so says the book of ND chapter one.

"Ecuse bros! I dey look for my friend toilet" Ola asked a fair guy.

"You are vely sturpid ooh! You are looking for your friend toilet o kwa ya?"

"Oooh sorry, i dey look for my friend Enadi, but i wan go toilet" He corrected.

"See toilet there, but your friend Eeenadi? I no know who be Eeenadi for this Ogbunabali" The guy pointed.

Ola dashed to where the toilet was situated but was shoved by one hefty man who asked "where your money??"

"My money? Dem dey pay for sh'iit again? S'hit is free na" Ola commented.

"S'hit is free for your papa house abi? You no know say s'Hit business is serious business?"

#Rest in peace Otunba Gadafi.#

"Okay how much to s'hit?" asked Ola.

"Fifty naira per s'hit" The man said, "but if you go stay reach 1 hour for the toilet you go pay 100 naira"

Ola thought of what subcription to go for for a while then he handed over 250 naira to the man and said, "i go s'hit for 1 hour 30 minutes, the remaining change na incase i stay for extra time, but if after 2 hours i no come out make you know say i don die inside"

Ola was shocked at how clean the toilet was, wishing their toilet at Baba street Rumuigbo was as clean as that. He could eat rice and chicken in the toilet but his tiolet in Baba street was a skate field with one's feet represented the skateboard.

Ola remembered slipping off and headbutting the toilet seat of his toilet, that was in the era of mark of the beast - he was tribal marked althrough, and he developed sore throat too.


Ola spent about 1 hour 30 minutes in the toilet with most of the time spent admiring the toilet wall.

Soon our Ola was at Nnamdi's shop - rather, where Enadi does Baranda. Baranda translated to Igbo means "Oso ahia". I think Baranda is somewhat related to Banana Island.

"Emeka onye a wu my guy, ocho k'anyi nye ya ofu umu phone chichi a" Nnamdi spoke.

"Nke ego ole? Ego ole ka o ji?" Emaka asked.

"Nye anyi nke ego ise, mana e ge dee 8000 naira na receipt, e nuna?" Ola was sold.


Emeka brought the phone and our dearest Ola so loved it.

"Wetin be the name of the phone?" Ola innocently asked.

"The name na Chiby" Emeka replied.

"Which one be Chiby"

"Chiby na the recent type of phone wey dey in vogue now" Emeka answered, "which name i go put for the reciept?"

"Put my name na? Put Olaniyi Olanipekun"

"Your name na Olaniyi?" Emeka asked.

Every person present at the shop burst into laughter on hearing the name "OLANIYI"

A lost child in Igbo. Ola was indeed a lost child becuase no thoroughbred will lose his left leg for a phone.

Nkysuccess:
Ride on Flow, am with you. Thank God am witnessing this one live

Ur amongst the lucky few

Uthman51:
thank God I no late...

Thank God for you

Rahbiew:
bros where u go hide na?

I no hide ooh. I dey

mizzytan:
Long time flow. Welcome back from sabbatical. Anticipating for the next episode.

Thank you! I miss Ishilove. Is she still alive?

Ola was now "in" not "on" a cab, a more jalopy cab than the one that almost ran over him.

"Where this motor dey go?" Ola asked a rather stupi'd question.

"Waterline! Garison! Park!!" the driver sang a song that sounded like "mammy w'ater! Garri! Spare part" to Ola.

"Mammy w'ater!" Ola whispered. He turned to see a m'ammy w'ater seated at his right. Turning to the left he saw the opposite of m'ammy w'ater, the reverse of mam'my water rather - water in the m'ammy.

*As a barrack boy i remember what it was when water flooded the mammy market of Ojo military cantonment- ugly. So i thought! Well thats just me thinking, not Ola.*

Ola admires ugly ladies than fine ones for no just cause, maybe it was becuase Funke his younger sister was ugly personified - or maybe not.

Ola admired the lady's nose! Her nostrils was like cutting two Geepee tanks into two equal halves and socketing both halves on a face.

Ola admired her eyeballs! Wait for it! Her eyesballs were not of the same size; the left one was bigger.

What about her ears? All Ola saw was his grandma's plastic hand fan.



The cab swayed from hitting an old woman walking by the road.

"You want to killing that woman" one of the ladies said.

"I know say e no go pass this ugly girl nahim speak this rubbish English" Ola thought. But to his gratest amazement the "beautiful ones were not yet born".

"Driver it is not gooding the way you are driving, u for almost killing that woman" Ola was highly dissapointed at the beautiful lady.

His love for her immidiately melted! Ooh my God!

The cab was close to GRA when a fart came.

"Who mess?" A guy seated in front asked.

"Na your papa mess?" Ola replied with the mouth of his mind.

"Driver give me winaa make i wind down" another guy said.

"But the glass dey down na" the driver replied. The fart was blinding i think.

"E no go better for the person wey messed" Ola blundered. Past tense of mess is messed Ade, Ola's friend had tutored him sometime ago.

It was the same Ade that told him "anytime wey you dey for where people dey and you mess just begin to dey curse the person wey mess, them no go know say na you mess".

The last time Ola farted in the presence of his siblings and cursed the "farter" the "fartee" responded "Amen!" when they were sure it was he who farted becuase they knew the fragnance of each other's fart in that family. Family bonding you would call that right?

They were so bonded in the family that they could tell the difference between Ola's and Yemi's fart - Ola's fart smells of Rotten egg mixed with palm wine while Yemi's smells of Kiwi Polish and Gutter every other days except on Sundays when the family ate Rice and stew; on that day it smells of Agbo Jedi the farmented one.


Agbo jedi was what Ola drank that morning before heading to Nnamdi's save his intestine is ripped as a result of the Beans and bread he ate the previous night. Spoilt beans and expired bread i think.

"My belle oooh!" he cried as the cab passed GRA traffic light.

"It is insolent that an adult mammal reduce his prestige and self reputation as to fart in transit, it is rather morbid!" Water in mammy surprised Ola.

kelvinhilton:
FTC.. MAKE I PACK WELL.

Pack well brother. And don't forget to buy extra rib, and extra teeth too.

As the sun set in the city of Port Harcourt, so does Ola set out to meet with his friend Nnamdi in his business place in Garison.

"So me sef go dey use Andiirod phone" he said to himself.

Nnamdi had two days earlier promised Ola he would with 9000 naira help him get a good Andriod phone in Ogbunabali phone village. What Ola forgot to ask Nnamdi was if the phone was to have a life span of two weeks. Yes! The phone did pass two weeks life span - it lasted two weeks three days before it caught malaria - and high blood pressure too.

"So Enadi go buy me Andiirod phone wey make sense, and i go com dey do facing book" Ola's command of English was war - Baifran war!

Soon Ola was "on" a cab. He was seated comfortably on the fender of a cab that almost ran over him at Rumuola.

"You wan kill me!" He cried, "abi u no dey see road"

"You dey m'ad there! Na your papa no dey see road" The cab driver cursed, "if u wan die you better go mortuary go die"

Ola first thought he wasn't prepared to die before he thought of the mortuary as not a place to die.

"Goat! Dem dey die for mortuary?" He responded, "abi na there your papa die?"

Ola immidiately flashed back to He, Nnamdi and Ogbonta going to pluck mangoes in a mango tree near Fadam mortuary.


That was the day Ola saw death. He kissed death rather.

Ogbonta and Nnamdi had warned Ola not to climb above the fourth branch of the tree as that was "Anthill of the Savanna".

"Rugged" Ola climbed even up to the sixth branch not only becuase he saw ripe mangoes there but becuase he needed to show "the world"; i mean his friends he was skillful climbing.

"Ola ant dey there ooh!" Nnamdi warned.

"If ant dey nkor?" Ola said "make i no plog dem this ripe mongo"

From nowhere Ants rained on Ola that he thought they were actually bees and he yelled "yeeeeeh! Oooh! Beee ooh! I don die ooh!" as the struck each branch decending.

He landed with six farts represented each of the branches his head, waist, legs and mindle leg struck.

Nnamdi and Ogbonta ran leaving Ola who on venturing to rise saw his late grandpa with some stars round his head like he was angel Gabriel.

" Baba mi" he called out, but when he saw the ghost smiled angelic, "Angel Gabriel!" he cried loudly, "help me!"

Its flow again. You remember me? The one that cracked so many ribs, right from Barrack boy to Ibo boy wey like Yoruba to Man wey dey reason to Flow and Snow to Brother Wale and so many co-labos with other Nairaland writers.

Here i am with this rib cracker tithed "Na Man you be"

PS: Due to my busy schedule i might not post as regular as you want me to, but i will do my best.

Still d same Flow

Still i Flow

Please if your name is Olaniyi Olanipekun i am not referring to you in this story.

FoxyFlow:
Babane! What's the keskey?

Its been a while

FoxyFlow:
Please contact me through my WhatsApp contact. It is on my signature. I seem to be having difficulties signing into my mail and I wonder why....

FoxyFlow i hail thee!

Khrisfame:
Hope you enjoy it

It was nice, But e don finish! na until we click the link?

Onyenso100:
THIS ONE NA JUST MIC TESTING. EXPECT MORE

Nice one, you can write! I am hitting Nairaland with a story that will be a bomb soon!

Horlorlardaey:
thanks for stopping by

i havent received any, but i fink i have some John Grisham books

mail me with horlorlardaeyedun2000@gmail.com
i should be more than willing to share them with you

Nice one!

best36054:
Flow,,, haven't read brother wale,,, but I will do that because I believe in your talent, your story man way dey reason was so captivating.... Is like a movie....

I doff my hat for you.....


Still I flow...... I like the slogan....

Waiting for your next story Bro........

In man voice, when December 16 reach you go see am......

When we reach there you go know.

smileyz16:
flow is d most ridiculous writer on nairaland

Thank you! another story comes December 16th. Don't say i told you!

yorhmienerd:
Cool write up

Thank you! Another story comes December 16th.

donjayz321:
This is a hit!! So captivating and hilarious that I woke people in the next room with my laugher. You are amazing! #Please don't let this gift go unnoticed. Channel them to the right sources.

Thanks for sharing this

Thank you! I will come up with another hit story December 16th. Mark the date!

Ishilove:
Fair enough. Please click on my profile and follow the 'send email' link.

Ishi my love i sight you! Long time

Ayo199:
If you can write, or you know someone who writes, I thought it'd be nice if I let you know about the:

*Commonwealth Short Story Prize 2017* organised by The Commonwealth Foundation



It's basically an award for short fiction, and the topic could be on anything.

The prize is £2,500 for regional winners and £5,000 for the overall winner

2,000 words minimum; 5,000 words maximum

*The deadline is 1st November
Visit www.commonwealthwriters.org for more details
cc : Larrysun , classcaptain , ishilove D9ty7 flow1759 senbonzakurakageyoshi

I have submitted my entry already. Pray i win

Thank you Olanshile2016. God bless you

olanshile2016:
hi fellow literature landers,etz me your boy olanshile .im about starting this story "WASTED YEARS" narrating about the ordeal of a pastor's son in the university.To all writing heroes in nairaland to you i salute Flow1759 king of comic writing,foxy ultimate,therock555 abeg how many 5 dey there,lols,repogirl sorry repomum,kingzpen,d9ty7,audrey timms,*three gbosas for dat name*,ishilove copper wasinmi,chister01,ayis eliboy,cuddlemii,chief zuby77 and last man standing Larrysun for real and to all nairaland writers whose name i could'nt write.This story is purely fiction.Corrective suggestions are welcome.This is my first prosework so u guys should bear with me but as time goes i go blend.TANKS

Carry go!

tobidipity:
I write this to all Nairaland writers. Most of you have the custom of writing stories to a stage where your audience are hungry for more and you would stop writing. Why start something you can't finish? I've read a lot of uncompleted story here. The only complete story I've read here are the ones written by flow1759. I'll suggest you have a full story written down before you start posting it. Peace.

Thank you. Much respect.

For your ears alone: Expect a rib cracker soon

4kizo:
flow my manest...longest time abeg give me you Facebook name abeg

Eke Ugochukwu Flow

4kizo:
@op thanks for the bomb ....nice write up
meanwhile is FLOW1759 still a nairalander? I v bn looking for dude

STILL I DEY

femoskyy:
I shed tears at d end of dis story. So captivating, though tragid end b full of c'passion. You're too much guy. Much grease to ur elbow

I am happy to share. God bless you!