₦airaland Forum

ezeigbo194:
you are welcome

You be correct. cho25bc a beg help me knack them for the campaign thread

Larrylarex:
Yeah, I met up! Never thought I could meet up before the end of the story o. Nice story you got here, thumbs up to you... but i must ask, wetin happen again nah? Thought you don enter army and you don marry for barack boy, how this one com take happen again?
Still U Flow

Barrack boy was never true life.

“oga driver I wan s’hit, my belle dey turn me!” I couldn't hold it anymore.

“hahahahahahahahaha!” The lady that sat close to me laughed.

"why you dey laugh?" I turned to her, "i am having running stomach!"


“bus never move go far you don dey complain say you wan s’hit!” A passenger said.

“you well so?”

“wetin you chop na?” My six was in seven.

The fully Air conditioned bus looked to me like an elbow room full of so many Water closet toilets.

“no sh’it for my body oh!” The fine "babe" by my side yelled.

What a life sef!



“stoop! Driver stooooop!” I cried out.

“driver stop for am na!” One woman pleaded.

“I no dey stop, why him no s’hit for park?” The driver said.

“driver I s’hit for park oh! I s’hit!!” I yelled, “in fact I s’hit five times oooh!”

“hahahahahahahahaha!”

“hahahahahahahahahaha!” They saw me as a comedian, especially the lady that sat close to me.

The lady I pledged to "chyke" with time.

The lady that I noticed was admiring me.

The lady that was as pretty as Tonto Dike.

“See as I fall my hand!!” I cried within, “fine boy like me!”

But then I remembered Snow’s adage “s’hit no get respect!” so I yelled out the more; “driver stop abeg!!” “e don dey comot!”

“make e comot na!” Driver returned.

“driver abeg pity am na, e go s’hit for inside the bus oh!”

“Papa beans don finish me! I no ever take anything from that man!” I assured myself.


With a great screech, the driver stopped and I dashed into the bush making the whole passengers laughed.

“una dey laugh una Papa!” I cursed.


Not to make some of you throw up, lemme skip details of the “s’hitty show” that transpired in the bush; all I know is that I came out of the bush alive; that was the only important thing at that point.


“oga we think say you don die inside the bush oh! Hahahahahahaha!” The same girl that sat close to me.

And she was staring at me in disgust like I was the poo, or like i carried a plate of poo on my head.



“oga take this drugs, drink am, e go stop!” One elderly woman offered.

“which drugs be this!” I needed to know it wasn’t chloroquine.




Mehn Chloroquine don show me shege for this life!

When I was 8 or there about, Chloroquine was administered to me for the first time.That was in the era when Chloroquine was Chloroquine; if you know what i mean? Had my mum known it would react that way on me, she wouldn’t had given me to swallow.


Omoh naso I begin scratch my body with my finger oh, but since I had no long finger nails all thanks to our school head master, I com decide to scratch with scissors oh.

Soon I was bleeding in some part of my body especially my b’utt.





“na faagil!” She answered.

“which one be faagi?” At least I knew what “faagi” meant in Yoruba.

“flagil!” The woman tried correcting her intonation.

“na the name of the medicine you wan know abi na wetin you go drink wey go stop this your s’hitty-s’hitty you dey find?” The same girl. I felt like giving her a hot slap, but i obeyed Idi Amin Dada's quote that says; "I guarantee you freedom of speech, but freedom after speech, that i can not guarantee".





The drugs really worked; it stopped.



As we moved on, I looked the other way shy of looking at “her” in the face.

“this girl wey dey laugh me like this! E fit be say she like me oh!” I told myself.

“even if I s’hit, I still be fine boy!” I assured, “and I sure say she like me!”

“shey make I talk to her?”

“I go talk to her jor!” That was the biggest mistake i made since depositing 50,000 Niara into someone else’s bank account instead of that of my younger sister.

Dear Readers,
This Story "Flow and Snow" will end soon; precisely on my birthday.

I appreciate all that read and commented, those that read but refused to comment, those that read as a quest. Una all be correct

I appreciate in no particular order:


marioking, sikirus81,mackzydon9, Audinowing, Spongia1, viciati, Suspect33, eRock247, kayceerilyn, mackzydon9, stuff46, gr8dav, bishop88, Chimaritoponcho, Trypa, Rounakid, ajumaxbabe, wristwatch, CallMeFemi, princesssusan,Toyade888, IHate9ja1, Melancholy, jayhaywhy, Molz, highbeetohbadt, Psalmwise, buoye1, toykathy, kingphilip, Livingwalker, horpe132, adegwurulez,virtuous900, waistaa, Bunsky, 4kizo, jonsnow92, Rajy00, seuncyber, ritababe, follyshade, Emperortj93, Emmykul4love, pcaliphate,ultraawesome, Emmeritus, peterswagg, spawnx, Madawaki01, yemi2plus, chistar01, trinityo42, texanomaly(my former wife), Francuiz, Tgold1, dazzy4real, donifez(mehn i miss this guy), plainmirror, emmadejust, odunharry, AmiableJay, Double194, smith403, foxy_flow, ERF, Tobiee.



isilove my madam at the "toppest top". I wan ask you oh! abeg who you go vote for for this Mr Nairaland?


cho25bc how i go forget you.

Una plenty na. You guys made me won the writer of the month of April. I thank una!




I no distant time, i will come out with yet another block buster-- stay tuned.

After the story, i will entertain question pertaining to this and any other of my stories.



PS: As una love me naso i love una. But make una show me love for this Mr Nairaland Contest wey go start by Monday.



I STILL FLOW

E don start oh.

https://www.nairaland.com/2395706/mr-nairaland-contest-2015-elimination

Format of voting:
I vote flow1759
CC: NLjega

marioking:
Humorous as it is, yet the story is scintillating! Flow1759 weldon here




Been following you since man wey dey reason. Buh brother don't you think you need to proof read sometimes before posting? Don't give in to the pressure of your fans to reduce your compositions and choice of words.

Our naija's Samuel selvon!

Weldone!

I go try.

Chimaritoponcho:
Dear flow,
In as much as I want u to win the Mr. Nl election, I would also love to know what you stand to gain if you win. In a nut-shell what are the benefits of being Mr. Nl

Mehn e be like say e reach 15k like i hear. Plus other "orishirishi"

Tobiee:
Flow1759, i just read that your ''man wey dey reason'' piece.. It was nice, i want to start this now.. Kudos bro

Thank you!!

And as you dey read, don't forget to vote for me as Mr Nairaland.

June 16.

“omoh I wan travel go Lagos for one interview oh!” I informed the house.

“which interview?” Snow asked.

“guy na for one insurance company like that oh!” Talking of an Industrial Physics graduate going for an interview in an Insurance company.

“ehnnen! Flow! I thank God for you oh! So you don get job?” Junior said.

“M’umu! I tell you say I wan go interview, you dey tell me say I don get job!”

“eheeen! I dey wish you well na!” A good wish but from a wrong “wisher”.

“even sef you know say na we help you through all this period of joblessness!” He said

“who tell you say I dey jobless all this period?” I cut, “Broville no be work?”

“Broville na manage-manage work na!” Junior answered.

“na manage-manage work and na the money wey I dey get there nahim I dey use buy you beer abi?” For his information.

“yes na true make I no lie, that is why I fit help make I teach you how you go take answer them the questions wey them go ask for the interview” He volunteered.

“hahahahahahahahahaha! You!” I couldn’t help but laughed.

“yes! me na!”

“you wey never teach yourself, na another person you wan teach!! Hahahahahahaha!”


A wise man once told me “remove the speck in your eyes, so you will see clearly to remove the log in another man eyes!”

Junior that failed WAEC three times giving an excuse that WAEC was far more difficult than their own O’ level exam in Togo, wishing he sat in Togo. Was WAEC not a West African exam?




“So Flow, which day you dey travel?” Snow asked.

“na tomorrow morning na! I wan dey arrange my cloth for my bag now sef!” I said, “food dey kitchen?”

“no oh!” Snow answered, “nobody get money, we just dey wait make you come so you go arrange for us!”

“say wetin happen? I resemble una papa?”

“yes na, you be our Daddy na, Daddy welcome!!” Junior teased.

“The money wey me I hold here na my transport to Lagos, I no wan touch am, na 4k and I hear say transport for Lagos na 3,600 naira”

“eheen! As the money na 3,600 niara, you get extra 400 naira to flex na!”

“see your mouth like flex! Shey I no go enter motor from here go pack for waterlines? Shey I no go chop for road? Shey I no go enter motor from where motor go drop me for Lagos reach my house?”

“forget that thing jor, the money go reach you, if e no reach you trek” Junior was getting on my nerves.

“make I trek go Lagos?”

“yes na! no be your mate dey trek for Goodluck Jonathan from Abuja to Otuoke?”







Bigie called pestering me to come join in Bunkery, or better still, be his body guard.







“Papey! Papey!! Wetin you cook na? I dey hungry!”


Papey was our Neighbour, A man old enough to be my father, he stays alone despite that he had three boys and two girls. A grand father but his children refused him access to their wealth, little wonder he came to fend for himself in Port Harcourt thereby renting an apartment of his own and starting Garri business. As short as Coca Cola bottle yet he so much loved anything on skirt.



I will never forget the day Miracle the landlord’s daughter poured him urine just because he was peeping her through an opening in our bathroom door as she bathed; the same opening Snow was peeping Sandra that almost made brother Snow lost one eye.

His own girlfriend!

He was so f’oolish as to peeping his own girlfriend as she took her bath one hot afternoon.

“Sandra na me na! Sandra na me na!” Was what we heard as Snow ran round the compound with his hands on his left eye.

“baby I'm sorry! I thought it was someone else!” Was all that ended it, meanwhile Snow’s left eye was “anya four thirty” for two weeks; if you know what I mean?





“I no cook oh, but e get small beans wey remain for my pot!” Papey answered, “make I bring am na?”

“Papey bring oh! I go manage am like that!”

“you go manage am like that abi we go manage like that?” Snow yelled from inside.

“we go manage am like that but una dey inside dey play card abi!”

“Flow no worry the beans go reach una if una go use garri chop am” Papey assured.



As the pot of beans was handed over to me, I almost said;”hhhnnnnn! Papey! The beans don sawa na!”, but then he shut me up by saying “make una warm an well well, e no too sawa like that”.


“Flow! Put am oil when you dey warm am, e go good!” Snow the Minister of Food resources advised.


In no time beans was piping hot and ready to go down with Garri "its" twin brother.


“Junior see as you dey rush the food!”

“you no know say I dey hungry well well! since morning i never chop!”






After eating, I updated the story I was writing on a Forum Nairaland, as well as check my mails.

“Flow you try oh!” Snow said.

“try for wetin?”

“you try na! all this time wey hungry dey catch us and we dey advise you make you sell this your laptop, you no sell am” He said.

“I no dey sell my property like that! Unless I go dash person when I don use am tayah!” And I wasn’t ready to dash it out.







Night fell and we slept peacefully.

My night was nightmare free.



Next morning I was set for the journey with 4,000 naira and a slight headache.



Little did I know!

mackzydon9, Audinowing, Spongia1, viciati, Suspect33, eRock247, kayceerilyn, mackzydon9, stuff46, gr8dav, bishop88, Chimaritoponcho, Trypa, Rounakid, ajumaxbabe, wristwatch, CallMeFemi, princesssusan,Toyade888, IHate9ja1, Melancholy, jayhaywhy, Molz, highbeetohbadt, Psalmwise, buoye1, toykathy, kingphilip, Livingwalker, horpe132, adegwurulez,virtuous900, waistaa, Bunsky, 4kizo, jonsnow92, Rajy00, seuncyber, ritababe, follyshade, Emperortj93, Emmykul4love, pcaliphate.

Make una help me on this contest.

Na Monday

Abeg! Biko! Ejor! D'ala!

I need to win.

STILL I FLOW

June 14


“Flow, where Junior?” Snow asked.

“him go him new babe house!” I answered.

“which new babe be that?”

“na Nancy na!” I answered.

“which kin new babe? Shey Nancy na new babe?”

“No oooh! no be that Nancy wey you know oh, na another Nancy oh!”



Junior was lucky with the name “Nancies”.

The last Nancy before the present in his life caused havoc.

Junior told us Nancy said if he wanted her to come to his house that it was under one condition.


The condition is:
That he would buy her a shoe worth 25,000 naira, as bag worth 30,000 naira. And I guessed for him to see what is in between her legs, he would buy her a plot of land.

Nancy was a typical Mbaise girl, raised in the village she could tell what is in a man’s wallet by just a handshake.


I will never forget the day we went to Goldberg to drink; I mean the three of us with our girlfriends.

That was in the era when Gift was in my life.

I was "bucksed" up because Nairabet just paid, so all drinks were on me; and pepper soup too.

We drank to stupor, and I noticed the girls were drunk more than us the guys.


“money don finish oh! Make we dey go house” I announced.

“it’s a lie there is still money!” Nancy said.

“baby what do you mean by that?” Junior asked his girlfriend.

“I mean, Flow still has money in his wallet” Nancy said.

“How? When? Where? Who?” I asked at the same time.

“what do you mean by that baby?” Junior asked.

“I mean he still has 4,000 naira with him!” She said.

And I had in my wallet exactly 4,000 naira I was to send for my younger sister who has severally asked me to “find her something”






“This Nancy ugly pass the other Nancy oh” I said. On a scale of one to ten, her ugliness was fourteen.

I know what is running through your minds now is if she was a monster for her ugliness to cross borders.

Often, when i look at her face she was always ugly to me, but to others like her boyfriend Junior, she was fine. Was it my eyes?




“guy no worry if you see the babe you go know say wetin I dey talk say she ugly na true” I assured.

“you sure?” Snow said, “because sometimes you no dey know babe wey fine and the one wey ugly”

“which day I don show you ugly babe say she fine, and fine babe say she ugly?”

“plenty times na!” He answered, “you don forget?”

“which time?”

“you don forget say you tell me say Sandra ugly when you just come!” He said, “after, the same you come tell me say she fine?”

“yes na, na wetin I talk” I answered, “she dey fine for morning but she dey ugly for evening”

“hahahahahahahahaha! You funny oh”

“so what of this Junior new babe? She dey fine for evening and ugly for morning abi?” He asked.



Talk of the “babe” and then she came; she and her boyfriend.

“good evening all!” She greeted.

“good evening ma!” I answered.

“Flow! Why you dey call my babe ma!”

“she no be ma?”

“how she take be ma?” Junior was shocked.


And indeed she was a “ma” in bed, she eats, devours, chew and grinds Junior in bed.


I will never forget the night there was Halloween in our bed.

That night we heard Junior cried for help; “abeg na! e don do, I don tayah!”

“tayah wetin! You must finish what you started oh!”

Thank his stars he finished what he started albeit keeping me and Snow outside till late at night when we entered to meet our friend Junior lying on the floor with his stomach wholly ribs.

“junior wetin happen to you?” I asked as we entered the room.

“nothing!” He smiled.

Nothing, but he walked like his ankle was dislocated, making me think he dipped his leg into Nancy’s “honey well” and got his ankle mangled.










“Nancy go and start cooking the food!” Junior said.

“cook wetin!!” I almost yelled.

Nancy was a killer when comes to cooking.



She can cook!




I mean she can cook “pootee”!

"Pooteelist" I call her. A name I christened her the day she cooked I and Junior Yam porridge.


Yam Porridge tasted like bitter Kola yet she lied It was an expired Yam, I no talk.

Yam Porridge looked like the pieces of Yam was drowning in River Niger, yet she said she mistakenly pour the water, I no talk.

The one wey com pain me be say; my stomach turned from six packs to pot belly.

If you see me now and I have Pot belle, then say thank you to Nancy.






“Nancy don’t worry I will cook it!” I volunteered.

“Flow! Why you go talk that kin thing? Woman wan cook for us you say make she no cook!” Snow said.




How I wished Snow knew what Nancy was capable of cooking.









Magic fingers.

Chimaritoponcho:
Flow u creative die
Abeg drop the link of d voting thread here make I vote

Thank you!

e never start, but if e start i go let you know.

canvass for me oh

Make una help me thank cho25bc, she dey try for me well well

Those asking for Campaign banner, use these for the mean time before cho25bc post the real banner

eROCK247:
Oga flow...u nor dey visit the campaign thread? Abi u don pull out? Scentmarlc has made that page his personal thread and...wetin dey happen bros

I no pull out oh. I traveled without any close source of internet.

But i am back sha.

STILL I FLOW

Toyade888:
MR NAIRALAND FLOW.........I HAIL THEE




#SAI FLOW

everybody sai flow!


you be correct

cho25bc:
Flow,pm me ASAP

I have done that.


The personal campaign by flow1759 is rolling in in bits, check the campaign thread.

Read what I sent to you on whatsapp! very important!

“guy make we go play ball for that field for Ogologo na!” Junior suggested.

“na true oh! E don tay wey person play ball oh!” It’s really been a while.

“where we go see ball na!”

“Wait make I go ask Chike Nnenna brother of him ball!” Snow stood up.



“mehn! e don tay dey I tap leather oh!” I was virtually jogging round the compound.

“me sef oh!” Junior added.

“go pull na? na trouser you go take play ball?”

“oboy na trouser I go use oh!” Junior surprised me.

“trou……. Wetin?”

“trouser, I go use trouser play”

“why na? naso una dey use trouser play ball for Togo?”

“yes oh! You no know say to use trouser play ball nahim dey sweet pass?” No wonder Emmanuel Adebayor played football like a clown; he always imagined an imaginary trouser that he wore.





Chike the younger brother to Nnenna joined us and we all headed to Ogologo.

“we wan playball oh!” We informed those we met playing there.

“una wan play?” Yellow asked, “una go wait na after this set we go scatter the whole set com form new ones”









“I one” Yellow shouted.

“I two!!!” Snow shouted.

“I three!!” One other guy shouted.

“I Four!!” Junior! always last.


“I chose this guy” Yellow brought Bayo the most valuable player in Ogologo to his side.

“I chose Chike!!” Snow said.

“I chose Bone!” One guy brought bow legged Bone to his side.

“I chose Flow!!” My dear Junior.








Match started with Yellow’s team against Snow’s

“Guy which kin rough you dey do me na!” Snow complained.

“who do you rough!” Yellow attacked, “abeg play ball jor!”

Snow nodded and continued.

Then came Snow’s salvo of rough tackle, Yellow stood up, nodded and continued also.


As Yellow cleared Snow in a Rio Ferdinard style, Snow fell face down.

I thought I had lost a cousin.

The next I saw of Snow was that he jumped up and sent a punch to Yellow’s Jugular.

“na me you blow!”

Before I could wink, Yellow had sent out two uppercuts to Snow in quick successions.

Snow’s punches albeit lighter than paper made the parts of Yellow’s body they landed red; the reason why I don’t like albinos.



The fight between Snow and Yellow ended stalemate judging by the number of punches; 4 – 4, although I was sure Yellow would had sent out some more heavy punches were he given more time.

More time was what we lacked in “monkey post” tournament, so the fight was separated two minutes after it started.



Yellow’s team knocked out Snow’s team in no time all thanks to Bayo’s breathe taking goal.

Then came in another team that was scored so quick all thanks to Bone whose bow leg was wider than the goal post; the monkey post I mean to say.





Soon my team was in.

I saw myself jumping and hoping round the field, getting myself tired within seconds.

“Flow pass ball na!” Junior pleaded.

“see am I don give you ball, you don go allow them collect am from you!” Junior lost the ball.

"Flow! My trouser don tear!" Junior cried.

"Mumu! shebi i tell you, you dey tell me say naso you want am!"

"go remove the trouser jor!" Emmanuel Adebayor!




The ball came my way again, as I said lemme dribble Yellow I heard “Flow pass the ball for me na!”, it was Junior again.

Rather than being selfish I passed to my teammate. Within seconds again he lost the ball.

“which kin played you be sef!” I yelled, “you no fit control ball? Abi na this your boxers dey confuse you?”

The boxers not only confused him, it blindfolded him too. The boxers he was on was the kind of boxers made in Aba with local fabric a.k.a wrapper.

“Flow play ball and no curse my boxers!”

“why I no go curse your wrapper boxers!” I attacked, “no be the boxers dey control you!”

Truth, his boxers was so wide that it flung left and right with the wind.

“no be anywhere your boxers face nahim you go face?”






We succeeded in knocking out the team that had Yellow in it. Albeit painstakingly, yet we sent out the rough player Yellow and his skillful teammates.


We soon faced the team that made up of Snow and Chike.

I swayed with the ball to the left and then right thereby dribbling Chike “blue black”.

The same Chike came chasing me from behind. And like a bulldozer would do to a two story building air-marked for demolition Chike quacked me from behind.

“Chike you dey do rough oh!” I complained.

“why I no go do rough, no be Yellow say make everybody dey do rough?”

That was what Yellow declared after the fight with Snow owing to the fact that according to him his teammates were being tackled roughly.

And whatever Yellow said in Ogologo was law.


“ehn!! Yellow na wetin you talk?”

“yes na wetin I talk!” Yellow replied, “you no see as them your men dey do my men rough!!”

“ok oh!! That one mean say na war zone we dey be that!” War zone indeed.






“Junior pass for me!” I yelled.

The ball was passed to me and I headed for the goal post of our opponent where Mr Snow was the defender.

In pidgin there is what is called “shalloo” with a double “o”.

Shalloo means sending shivers down the spine of a defender by pretending you want to shoot the ball.


I “shallooed” Snow and I thought I saw his spirit left him.


His spirit returned and with so much speed, he raced towards me.


There is also in Pidgin what is called “put am for koloo” with a double “o” too.

I was about “putting am” in Snow’s "kolo" when Olumo rock collided with my head and I fell to the ground.


“him brother head don jam him head oh! Hahahahahahahaha!!” I heard Yellow laughed.

princesssusan:
Haba! Flow nah u tell us say ur turn nah 2day by 6pm, y u com dey blame us nah?

It was moved forward to yesterday

I thank you all for your support during the interview session.

As for all of una wey no come cheer me, e no good oh.

It goes a long way to show I have a handful that are "real real" fans.

If truelly I am loved as you guys claim, then convert that love to support and vote at the end of the day.

even if you don't support me yet STILL I FLOW.