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“Flow I need person wey go follow me go work oh!” Junior told me in the afternoon of May 20th.

“ehen! Where the work dey?” I needed to know.

“na for Obigbo na!”

“ok, I go go na, tomorrow I no get class sef!”

“no be say you go go oh! you go fit work?”

“wetin you mean? All this muscle we I get na for play?”

“Mr Muscle! POP work to be by muscle oh!”

“I go do am! As far as you go give me better colele!”

"wetin be colele" Junior asked

“na Money na!”

“I go colele you na!” He promised.








Soon we were at the site in Obigbo, and not too long another worker came, Junior introduced him to me as Gehad, not Gerald but Gehad, /Geiy-haaaad/, like pronouncing Jihad. Gehad is another brethren from Togo like Junior.

“Gehad we go work with this my guy, him name na Flow”

“Foam!!” Gehad giggled.

“you dey mad, na you be Faom!” I cursed within.

“Flow! I say Flow! Not Faom!” Junior corrected.

“ok Floam!”

“Flow! Flow!!” Gehad was becoming a clown.






Scaffold was constructed, Junior and Gehad climbed while I remained below to go errands for them.

Errand boy! that was who I was, from passing Hammer to passing the plumb device to passing plywood to passing so many materials I knew not their names to them at the top.





“Junior the hammer no reach my hand, throw am for ground!” I prayed Junior.

I cleared off the gangway to give him enough space to throw down the hammer, little did I know I was heading to where the “evil genius” Junior had in mind to throw the Hammer to.

“braparannnnaaaaa!” I thought the Trumpet had sounded and the world had come to an end.

Yes the world came to an end, but on my head alone.

“hahahahahahahahaha!!” I heard Gehad laughed.

“sorry Flow! You wound?”

“you dey mad there!” I cursed, “I show you where you go throw the hammer, na for my head you see to throw am!!!”

“no vex na, I wan throw am for ground but na your head block me”

“you dey craze there! You mean say my head dey too big wey be say e go cover all the ground and you no go see anywhere to throw the hammer put?”

“yes na! your head just full everywhere!”

“hahahahahahahaha!!!” Gehad continued laughing like it was funny. Or was it?





“Junior see as you don make my head swell up!” Like I carried an egg on my head.

“Sorry na! no vex!” Junior said, “make I see am”

“abeg get out jor! No see am!” I yelled, “if to say I know I for no follow you come do this work”

“hahahahahahahahaha!!” Gehad kept laughing.

“mumu! Why you dey laugh?”

“hahahahahahahahah!” His laughter sounded like melody to my ears.

“Flow no worry if we finish work I go carry you go pharmacy wey go help you massage the head” Junior Promised.

Imagine! Head massage.




“Flow no vex na! make we go chop na!”

On Salivating for food, the pains in my head stopped abruptly.



“Flow wetin you go chop na?” Junior asked on arriving one Mama put.

“eeehn make I first start with Rice”

“start with Rice and end with wetin?” Gehad asked.

“end with Eba na!” I answered.

I was so hungry that afternoon that I could eat Rice, Beans and Eba one after the other.



“Hahahahahahahaha! Which kin style of eating be that? You be A’boki?”

When he was the one that really looked like an A’boki.

Saying Gehad was an A’boki was an Understatement, he was as black as the back of my grand mother’s cooking pot.





After eating Rice and Eba, I walked like Papa Ajasco back to site; I could barely carry myself.


“Junior abeg make we rest small before we continue” I pleaded.

“Flow you no know say time don go, and we need to finish this work today?”

“no mind am, when him dey chop Rice and Eba him no know say the thing no go make am fit work……….”

“who tell you say I no go fit work” I cut him.

“oya stand up make we start work na!”

I stood up and tried to jump to make the food in my stomach sink. I did sink; I guess it sank in my kidney.




“Flow see wetin you go do……………” Junior said, “If me and Gehad climb up, you go carry this cement for your head stand for down of the scaffold so that me and Gehad go dey pack am small-small from your head.

“ok! So you go need to open the mouth of the bag of cement na” I said.

“ehn! Nahim I wan open so” Gehad tore the upper part of the sack.

That kind of cement was the conventional, but the whitish POP kind of cement that looks like powdered milk to me.


“so the water wey una go take dey mix the cement go dey with una for up abi?” I needed to prevent the case of me ending up mixing some of the cement on water and drink as milk.

“yes na, na for inside those two container we go mix am”


The cement was on my head and my head etched albeit I wore a face cap.

I was on the last step of the scaffold feeling like what I carried on my head was child’s play when I started becoming unbalanced.





20 minutes of the cement on my head and I was really unbalanced; my centre of gravity was to the left. Equilibrium was really really far from me; it was like I wasn’t obeying the principle of flotation. My fellow workers were not helping matters, maybe they thought I was some Scarecrow or something, or maybe not.


Before I could say; “Make una wait I no dey well”, “ggoooooom!” I landed on the ground.


And before I could wink, the sack of cement landed on my face.






What a life sef?






“Mr Muscle! POP work to be by muscle oh!” I remembered what "angel Junior' told me earlier.

kayceerilyn:
for the love of this story,I volunteer to be among the team...provided you give us updates regularly and not get carried away with the competition....

No Wahala. I will do my best.

I have Pmed you

cho25bc:
I've sent u a pm.

Check your mail

jayhaywhy:
Oga flow, abeg me sef wan dey write story like you oo.. I wan b among d best writers on nairaland....abeg check out ma first and new story, rugged life in sec. Sch. And rate it abeg....tanks
And before I forget..u neva pay me oooo

Ok i promise to read your story and rate.

I owe you money?

cho25bc:
I volunteer myself flow to join ur campaign team.but I don't know what to do as a campaign team member.u'll tell me what to do sha o

Ok i will Pm you and send you my pictures. Then you will work on them for campaign purposes.

Thanks a million.

Deluxewize:
Mr Flowey

Still u flow

More grease to your elbow

Will you be my Campaign Manager?

Now it's high time i form my campaign team for Mr Nairaland 2015.

Volunteers pls.

“Utoro wetin bring that kin play na? why you come press my nyash like that na?” Fix something said.

“me? I press your nyash?” Utoro denied.

“you dey craze? You wan deny say you no press my nyash now now?”

“me?”

“Flow! See me see trouble oh!” Fix something vexed, “no be me and you stand here wey Utoro come press my nyash?”

“yes na! him press your nyash well well na”



Rumour had it that Utoro was into men. Bush shaker told us sometime ago that Utoro almost shook his bush one Sunday afternoon after service.

Bush shaker and Utoro were church members, so one afternoon after service Utoro suggested that Bush shaker went home with him that he would offer him a drink a two.

Bush shaker obliged, and according to him, on getting to Utoro’s house, he was unhappy when Utoro told him his wife and children had traveled, because he said his going to Utoro’s house wasn’t to have a drink, but to see Nse Utoro’s daughter the girl he had twice shook her bush.

According to Bush shaker, this was what transpired in Utoro’s room:

“George Bush the shaker!” Utoro hailed.

“heeeeh! Utoro toro dey!!” He hailed back.

“sidon na!” Utoro beckoned.

Next thing Utoro took off his trousers and wore just boxers.

“guy why you sidon far from me na?” Utoro said, “come closer na”

“I dey ok here wey I sidon” Bush shaker said.

“no wahala!” Utoro drew closer to him and c’aressed his bicep.

“you be fine boy oh!”

“I know!”

“that is why I like make you dey come close to me make I hug you!” Utoro was too close for comfort.

“remove your clothe na, heat no dey catch you?” See scope!

Like Bush shaker was under a spell, he removed his trouser.

Then Utoro started c’aressing his lap. Then his hand moved to his “pee-pee”.

“you like it?” Utoro asked the million Dollar question.

Bush shaker nodded in response.

Little did Utoro know Bush shaker had a plan in mind.

Utoro’s hand finally reached Bush shaker's pee-pee, and Bush shaker in turn grabbed Utoro's pee-pee firmly and brought out a mini-dagger from his wallet.



“if you move, I cut!”

Cut what? You would ask.

Cut his kpomoh.

“abeg! No cut am! Abeg!”, Utoro pleaded, "no cut am oh! na wetin i dey take feed my family oh"

"you say wetin?" Bush sheker was surprised, "you be a'shawo?"

"Yes............No!"



“I go shout make everybody know say you be A'shawo and you wan r’ape me!”

“aaaaah! no shout abeg!” Utoro pleaded.

“if you want make I no shout, just do anything wey I ask you” Bush shaker said.

“I go do ooooh! But abeg leave my p’rick abeg!”

“I no go leave am, I wan cut am use do suya sef!”

If the pee-pee of men were to be used as Suya, mine would sure taste like Chicken Suya, Snow’s would taste like Kilishi Suya, while Junior’s would taste Lizard Suya.


The long and short of the story is that Utoro ended up giving his last 7,000 Naira to Bush shaker under duress.











“no ever try that thing again! Wetin dey do you for head!” Fix something warned.

Just then, my phone rang, I brought it out of my pocket to see it was an old friend that was calling.

It was Man.

Man wey dey reason.

“Man wey dey reason!!!” I hailed, “how you dey na?”

“How school? Long time oh”

“Mr Flow! Long time! Mehn school dey oh” He voice sounded like he was under water, “as you no dey call me again na, I say make I call you”

“choi!! you no go understand my brother”

“but if na woman I be now, you for dey call me well well” That was true, lately 75% of the numbers saved in my phone are female numbers.

The life of a man sef!

“guy no be so, I dey call male and female equally”

“na lie abeg! You wey I know?”

“hahahahahahahaha!!”

“How Port Harcourt na?”

“mehn Port Harcourt make sense!”

“you dey flex oil money abi?” He said, “and the babes sef, you dey flex them join!”

“how we go do na! hahahahahaha!”

“oboy I hear say you don dey into oil bunkery business?”

“Who? Me? Who tell you that one?”

“na person tell me”

“oboy that na big lie oh, that person wey tell you dey lie for you”

“hahahahahahaha!”

“oboy we go finish our exam next week, I no wan enter Sok town, make I show Pee Town come stay with you small na!”

“no wahala!!!! I go like make you come sef!”

“ok, I go show next weekend, keep babes for me oh!”

“that na small thing na! like how many you go need?”

"Fourteen go dey ok for me!" Man said, "I am in a conjugal state"

"hahahahahahahahaha! C'onji na b'astard!!"



“oboy e be like say my credit don dey finish, we go talk later” He hung up.






“you be old man wey no dey shame!” Fix something cursed.

“na me you dey curse? I no be your mate oh!”

“you no be my mate but you dey press my nyash!”

“my friend mind what you say to me oh!” Utoro warned.

“abeg get out! I can say anything to you! You shameless g’ay!”


Utoro’s face changed gloomy, and rainy too.

“na your papa be g'ay!” Utoro cursed.

“which person papa you dey curse?” Like he was hit by a bulldozer Utoro was pushed to the ground.


“you push me?” He stood up. And that was when it dawned on me that “Wrestle mania” had started.

“you push me?” Utoro dashed towards Fix something who was taking steps backwards.

As swiftly as I could, I grabbed Utoro my his trouser.

“leave me make I teach this small boy wey no dey respect him elders lesson!”

Yet I still held him by his trouser firmly.

He struggled so hard to free himself but I was so bent on keeping him from attacking Fix something because I knew how Lily Fix something’s Liver was.



“leave am make him come! Make I show am pepper!” Fix something said.

“no be only Pepper you go show am, na groundnut oil!” I almost said.

Utoro struggled and struggled until: “prahaaaaaa!” His trouser tore.

Yet he still struggled to be freed.

“prahhahahaaaaaaaaa!” This time it sounded like my fart.

“you don make me mess now!”

“prahaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” What was left of his trouser were rags that fell to the ground.

And wait……………………. Utoro was n’aked. Stark na’ked like he was from Nakede.

“No wonder! G’ay no dey wear pant!” I said. Thank God Utoro heard me not.


Oh my world! What I saw in between Utoro’s leg as he commenced fighting with Fix something needed deforestation.


I saw two septic tanks and one Plantain stem chocked in a Savanna forest with white grasses.

ultraawesome:
Bros,change dat your picture oo if u want make ppl vote for u

Picture no be problem, I get them plenty. Fine-Fine ones. I just love this one. It reminds me of something.

Oya i don change am

jayhaywhy:
Flow! Flow!! Flow!!!......see as u make me fall for gutter....I just dey laff for street dey waka d next tin I hear na gbooooom insyd gutter....ma fone don almost spoil sef...u go pay ooo

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! No Wahala I go pay

Trypa:
If No be you e no fit be any oda person o flowwy

Yeah. I will do my best to win.

I have been verified to contest for MR Nairaland 2015. So therefore my friends reading, i plead for your support and vote when the time comes. But before then, i need someone to volunteer to be my Campaign manager.

Anyone in the house?

MannyAgyeiK:
Sai Buhari!!!!!!!!!!!! Change has finally come to Nigeria. Anyway, still feeling the story. Flow de3, no size.

Sai Baba!!

“you hear say Godwin don open fast food?” Fix something told me as we both stood at the entrance to our compound.

“ehnnnn! You mean am?” I said, “for where?”

“for Ogologo side na”

“mehn! That guy don dey turn to small big boy oh”

“guy no be say him don dey turn to small big boy, him don dey turn to big big boy” Whatever that meant.

“but how that guy take dey get money na?” What I expected to hear was that he was into money rituals.

“na hard work na, he is a hardworking barber”

Hard work was what I lately took as a hobby; I woke up as early as 5:00AM, study the word of God, pray, do a little exercise, prepare something to eat, that is if at all there is something to be prepared, then by 7:30 I am off to Broville. My closing would be 8:45PM that is due to the clusters of lectures unending especially on Tuesdays when I had Chinonye.


Chinonye was very very low in understanding, she is the kind you will tell 2+2=4 and few seconds later you ask her what 2+2 is, her answer will shock you to the bone marrow, you will hear something like 2 plus 2 is 22, or 2 plus 2 is 40, and if you are not so angered thereby asking her how she came to derive such answer, she will tell you the teacher told her so. And who is the Teacher? Me of course.

I will never forget asking her to recite the definition of a Computer Eighty times, and after few seconds of reciting, she had forgotten every word in the definition.







“what of my babe Nnenna na?” Fix something asked me.

“she dey na?” I answered, “make I call her for you?”

“no oh! I no wan chop slap this early morning”

“hahahahahahahaha! Like the one wey you chop that day abi?”






I, Junior, George, Snow, Fix something and Nnenna were returning from Goldberg where we went to watch football match one night. We were all partly drunk.

In as much as I loved big “back side”; big beautiful back side!! I wasn’t really attracted to Nnenna’s back side, I saw it as a sack of poo and nothing more. Two sacks of poo i mean to say.

Fix something was mouth watering as Nnenna cat walked in front of us. He eyeballed George who nodded for him to go ahead with the mischief he had in mind. Snow too gave him a go ahead, but as he looked at me, I shook my head in disapproval. Yet he went ahead to carry his motive out.







“who press my nyash?” Nnenna turned and I saw the fury in her eyes.

I and Junior pointed at Fix something while the rest pointed at Junior.

Before I said, “na lie oh! No be Junior oh, na fix something!”

“tawaiiiae!!” A slap landed on Junior’s chin.

“no be me na?” Junior yelled.

“then who is it!” Nnenna queried.

“is Fix!” Junior thundered. The "something" in the nickname was burnt by the very hot slap.

“who is Fix?” She asked.

“see him here!” I grabbed Fix something who was about to flee.



“tewwaaaaaha!!” She slapped Fix something and I guessed the slap increased the height of the short Fix something by 9 inches.

“taweaataeaeataa!” The next slap increased his height by 8 inches making Fix something to be almost my height.

I was expecting another slap, but I was disappointed when a push came instead. That push gave Fix something wings that made him flew into a gutter.



“you push me inside gutter!!” Like the two bottles of 1759 Fix something drank was off his eyes.

“and I will push you again! You I’diot!!” Nnenna cursed.

Fix something jumped out of the gutter and ran towards Nnenna for counter attack, but was held by I, Snow and George.

“you wan go fight woman?”

“you no dey shame? na woman you wan go fight”

I almost said; “oleh! You think say you go fit beat her?”

“una no see as she push me fall for gutter?”

“yes we see am, we see as you fall inside the gutter like mumu” I almost said.



It was like Fix something was synonymous to Gutter. That wasn’t the first of him falling into a gutter.

The first time the fell into a gutter was still for Nnenna’s sake.

Nnenna’s a’ss sake I mean to say.

The day Fix something came to Port Harcourt on a journey from Aba was the day he fell into one “million dollar gutter”.



Nnenna was on low cut that period, so she came to GBS for a hair cut, as she entered……………………………


As she entered……………………………….


Fix something froze and his mouth was ajar.

After the hair cut, Nnenna left the Barber’s shop and Fix something followed like Bee chasing nectar.


“heeh! Baby! can I talk to you?” I came out to see how the drama would end, to see if Nnenna would give him a listening ear.

“heeeh! Baby! I want to talk to you!” He walked behind her staring at nowhere else but Nnenna’s “weapon of mass destruction”.




As Nnenna tried to jump crossed a gutter, Fix something maybe he thought he could walk on water was about walking pass when…………………………………………..

“gboedooom!!!” He fell wholly into the gutter, we all saw that happened and laughed at him unending.











“but that girl get mind oh! She get mind slap me!”

“why she no go slap you?” I said, “you sef get mind go press her nyash”

Talking of “Nyash pressing", all hell was let lose when Otoro walked towards us and fondled the Nyash of one of us.






Guess who?

“Flow! Flow!!” I heard Landlord called early May 17th.


“wetin this man dey call me for?” I wondered.

“him dey inside shrine dey call me”

“Flow! Flow come!!” He called.

“Snow! Landlord dey call you!” I woke Snow up.

“oooh! Wetin him dey call me for!” He grumbled.

“go na, when you reach there you go know”

“where him dey?” Snow asked.

“him dey near him shrine side”


As Snow walked towards the Landlord’s shrine, I tiptoed behind him without his knowing.

“Landlord!!” He called out.

“where you dey?”

“I dey for my shrine, come here!” Landlord said.

“abi Landlord wan use Snow do sacrifice?” I asked myself.

“see me here!” Snow stood at the entrance of the shrine.

“enter na! I want make you help me write something for paper”

I could tell our Snow was scared to the bone.

“take chair sidon!” Snow was offered a chair in a shrine, and as “mumuish” as he was, he sat.



“Snow no be you I call, na Flow I call, but as you don already come, na you go help me write wetin I want make you write” Landlord handed him pen and paper.

“This Snow get mind oh, see as him balance for shrine like say him dey for one room for Hotel Presedential” I said to myself as a peeped through the window of the shrine.

Mehn the whole place reeked of burning incense.




“Snow anything wey this woman talk wey I say make you write nahim you go write for that paper wey you hold” Landlord commanded.

“ok sir” Snow said.

“abi landlord don Jaz Snow?” I asked myself.

“how him go Jaz Snow na? Snow na Christian na!” Christian indeed. "Peganish" Christian.


“What is your name?” Landlord asked.

“why him dey ask Snow him name? Him no know him name?” At that juncture I was thinking in zeros and ones.

“my name is Rosemary?”

“write am, she say her name na Rosemary”.

“Rose Mary where are you from?” He asked.

“I am from Rumuekini”

“write am, she say her name na Rumuekini” Landlord erred.

“no her name no be Rumuekini, na where she from be Rumuekini” Snow corrected.

“Ok, write am, she is from Rumuekini”

“so what do you want my god to do for you?”


“I need Husband, I am 35 years old with no husband, I will pay your god anything to get a husband” She said.

“make I write that one too?” Snow asked.

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Junior approaching where I stood peeping.

“Flow shift make I look na!” Junior whispered.

I adjusted for him to have a clearer view while signaling that he made no noise.







“e get any boy wey dey your mind wey you want make him marry you?” Landlord asked.

“ehen! Yes I get”

“wetin be him name?”

“him name na Stephen” The Lady said.

“write am, she say him name na Stephen” And Snow wrote. He was feeling like a literature giant already.




After all the writing, the Landlord took the Fowl on the fowl, strangled it and sang some songs.

What marveled me about his songs was that some were Christian songs that had in its Lyrics the name of Jesus; the name above every other names.

“Oga Landlord!! See how you dey use God name dey play!” I almost said.


He sprinkled the blood of the Fowl round his alter and while he made some incantations.




Like I was given another eyes that was fixed beside my real eyes, I saw the Landlord washed the blood of the Fowl with what looked like Fanta soft into a Bowl and gave to the Lady to drink.


After the Lady drank he said; “Chi don answer your prayer, your money na 40,000 naira”

“Thank god!" The lady said.

"I go pay you, but na 25,000 naira dey with me now, next week I go come give you the rest money” Wise decision indeed, because I was sure her wish was far from being met.





All through, Junior’s mouth was ajar I noticed.

We were watching the Lady danced to landlord's funny songs round the shrine when rain fell.

"It never rains but pours" They say. That morning it really poured on my friend Junior.

It poured heavily.

It poured heavily on Junior alone.




“yeaaaahh! I don blind oh!” Junior cried.

“who be that?” The Landlord said.

I ran as fast as my legs could carry.

“yeeeeh!!! I no dey see again oh!”








It was later Snow told me that what the Landlord poured out through the window that landed on Junior’s face was what was left of the Fanta and Fowl Blood the lady drank.






That morning I felt like singing; “Paw Paw is a kind of fruit, Paw Paw is a kind of fruit, sweet like Sugar, Yellow like Fanta, everybody like Paw Paw………… Paw paw!!” for our Junior who received Fanta baptism.

Dear readers i declare my interest to via for Mr Nairaland 2015, as such i need your nomination https://www.nairaland.com/2344013/mr-nairaland-contest-2015-nomination

Thanks.

STILL I FLOW

eROCK247:
After m don with 'man wen dey reason' I go enta 'IBO boy wen like Yoruba'. never a dull moment! Thumbs up boss!!!

Make una no vex, i don show back.

jayhaywhy:
I pray so also,,,....

Sorry for the break in transmission, i am back.

samtep:
oga flooow, dis ur system sef. Anyway more fire to ur cooking pot.

There you go.

May 12th.



“Junior wetin we go chop this morning before we enter bank go withdraw that money?” Snow asked.

“eeehn!! Make we chop rice na?” Snow suggested.

“ok na! who go cook am na?” Junior asked.

“Na Flow na!” I heard Snow said. And that declaration woke me up from sleep.

“una say wetin?”

“we say make you cook the rice, me and Junior wan go somewhere!”

“una wan go somewhere abi?”

“yes na! We wan enter bank!” Snow said.

“so na me don become una wife wey go dey cook for una abi?”

“no be so Flow, only be say we wan enter bank go withdraw money wey we go pay Landlord for house rent”

“just cook am na! wetin hard to cook!”

“ok I don hear I go cook am!” I agreed.

“make una give me money wey I go take cook am na” I said.

There was silence in the room for a moment, then Junior said; “how much-how much we go contribute?”

“Check am na! we no get ingredient for kitchen oh!” I said.

“ok, we go contribute 2-2 hundred naira” Snow said.

“who go cook am?” I asked for emphasis sake.

“na you na! you no hear say me and Junior wan enter bank go withdraw the money wey we go give landlord as house rent!” Snow said,"we no go fit stay chop the food sef".


“ok, I go cook am” I pledged. I also pledged to cook it “intercontinental”.

“no be you go cook am be thing oh! No go cook the one wey you dey cook wey dey make us purge oh!” Snow said.

“which day I don cook food wey make una purge?” I myself knew I was asking a rather s’tupid question. I had severally “finished work” in their stomachs.

“why you dey ask that kin question na?” Junior said.

“you wey like to dey put plenty magi for your food”

“You wey say if na one cup of rice you wan cook, na one magi you go put, if na two cup, na two magi, if na three cup, na three magi, and if na twenty cup, na twenty magi!!”

Of a truth, that was my rule; I believed the more the seasoning the sweater.




“This money wey we contribute go reach buy four cups of rice and ingredient” Snow said, “but guy I use God beg you………………………..”

“I kneel down dey beg you……………..” He knelt down.

“why you kneel down na?”

Because I dey beg you……… I use God wey dey heaven dey beg you………….”

“beg me for wetin na!”

“abeg! No use Four magi as na Four cups of rice…….. abeg!”

“use three, or even two”

“ok I don hear you” I said.

“guys make we add Beans to the rice na!” I suggested, "abi how una see am?"

“ehnnn! E for make sense oh, Kerosene dey stove?” Junior asked.

“yes e dey” The back side of my brain whispered to me to say that.

“ok make we add 50-50 naira so we go buy three cup of beans join the rice” Snow said.











All was set for me to start culinary practical.

It is only in Flow’s cooking school that Beans can be fried.

It is only in Flow’s cooking school that the milky liquid gotten when Rice is rinsed can be poured back into the pot to cook the rice. The day Snow asked me why I told him that that liquid was high in Vitamin D, and he had since adopted cooking that way.






After frying the Beans, I poured the sliced onion to fry too.

Then the liquid from the rinsed rice was pored into the pot.

The next was seasoning; three cubes as advised.

Then few minutes later the Rice was in.


After few minutes, I added salt, then crayfish.

As I bent down to fetch a cup of water to pour into the food that was almost getting done, I was burnt by the pot I mistakenly touched to gain balance.

That was so close! The pot of rice almost poured.


When the rice and beans was almost done, I tasted it, it then dawned on me that I had skipped something; pepper.

And I forgot to buy it.

As I raced outside to go buy pepper, I never knew when I ran into the water Joy Angela’s younger sister poured after washing clothes.

“Joy!! You no dey see road abi?”

“Brother Flow Sorry oh!” She said, “I no see you oh!”

“sorry for yourself!”

The three-quarter I wore was soaked half way with liquid poo.

I say so because I knew whenever Joy washed, 80 percent of the clothes she washed were poo infested, as a result of what Angela’s little children always did to their clothes; their clothes were their toilets.



The day I vowed never to carry any little child come what may was the day I carried Angela’s little child Mary and she pooed on me.

There is more to it, I never knew how the poo rolled down and landed on my palm like Scotch egg.









“You dey Kolo oh Joy! See as you don wet my nicca!” I cried.

“Sorry brother Flow!” She pleaded.

I could tell my food was about to get burnt so I ran that way to go buy pepper.

As I bought the pepper from Angela and headed home, I saw “Madam” walking towards me.

Madam was a church member of mine, and she had told me severally that I should patronize her rather than patronizing Angela, that what are brethren for? That if I continue buying from Angela instead of buying from her she will report to the pastor.




As she walked closer, I fumbled as I came to an agreement on which of the pocket to deep the pepper into.

“Good after Madam!” I said.

“Good morning!” She replied.

“sorry! I mean morning!”

“where are you coming from?”

“me? I went to ease myself” I said.

“so you now ease yourself in Angela’s shop abi?” She gave me that look that was like she sent a dagger to my chest.

“Yes…..”

“sorry, I mean No” I stammered.

“ I went to ease myself in that bush” I pointed at no particular bush.

“and what is wrong with your toilet?” She asked.

“it is not working well”

“ok oh!” She bought my lies.


“What! See what just came out of your Short” She pointed to the ground.

“what is it?” I looked to see.

“pepper!” She said.

That was when it dawned on me that where I put the pepper wasn’t in the pocket of the three quarter i wore but in the pocket that nature gave me; my d’ick pocket.

“so after easing yourself, your thing produces pepper abi” She said.

“Me? Pepper? No be me get am oh!”

“who then have it?” She was akimbo.

As I looked to the sky to see if an Angel rained pepper on me from heaven she said, “don’t look up, pick your pepper, it came out from your short!”

With shame all written in my face, I picked my pepper and was about leaving when she said; "why is your short wet?"

"Abi you now pee on your clothes?"

"Yes......... Sorry.... I mean No"

"it's rain that wet me!" In laughter i left her.




As I hurried into the kitchen, to my greatest surprise the food I thought would had gotten burnt was still full of water.

“wetin dey do this stove na?”

I was shocked when I confirmed the Kerosene in the stove was finished.

What a life sef!

And there was no money left with me.

I was owing Angela 500 naira and i paid her 300 naira from the change i had left. I was 100% certain she would not give me anything on credit, not even a pin.

What of Madam? That was a No-No.




I was getting late for class; I had two students to lecture in Broville that morning.

What a life sef!

Could I eat the food that way? I asked myself.


This was how the food looked like: From the right it looked like a river in the South-South that was Oil spilled, From the left it looked like what I cooked was periwinkles. But from the top, the Food was perfect and ready to eat.



“e be like say if I wait make the food cool e go look fine” I told myself.

And that was an assurance.



Soon my d'ick pocket cried.

That was no joke.

jayhaywhy:
Only God go help us for we country. Imagine 500 naira per litre

Thank you all for understanding. I will be back pretty soon. Hopefully my system gets repaired.

eROCK247:
Na Dis fuel palaver na im make flow nor fit update, no place to charge fone/laptop... Boss we dey w8 patiently o!

Na him oh! Plus my system went bad.

But just keep logged. coming up............................................

ajumaxbabe:
flow no go fit kill me abeg. I don laff ma intestine commot. Kudos 2 d guy wey sabi.
So i tot

I dey sell intestine oh

ebukav:
Flow I don catch up GOD WIN. Guy as u jst strt d story my fone come spoil bt Tank God I don buy new one, come stil catch up with u guys jst in one day. ¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º° GOD WIN °º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸




Nice story bro, §.•´¨'°÷•..× GOD WIN ×,.•´¨'°÷•..§

No God win say you don reach here.

My advise to you: Go to the hospital and buy two cartons of ribs, keep one to yourself and give the other to a neighbour that is also reading this story, thereby you are loving your neighbour as you love yourself.

MannyAgyeiK:
Flow, you bad pass. Hahahahahahaha. Hei. I thought oga landlord got you for real. You get sense rough. Sharp guy. Anyway, let the story flow.

And there it Flows

“Flow see wetin you don curse abi!” Snow yelled.

“sorry na! I no know say the thing go fall”

“see all our cloth don spoil na!”

“nothing spoil, how our cloth go spoil?” I said, “come make we arrange am jor”




“where Segun?” I asked.

“na true oh, where him dey na!” That was how we began to search for a lost Segun.

“mhnnnnnnn!” I heard.

“mhhhhhnnnnnnn!” It came from where the wardrobe landed and where clothes hipped.



Then I saw a leg. I drew back to avoid story that touches, in case it was a ghost's leg i saw.

“Sege na you be that?” I asked.

“mhmmmmmnnn!” He cried.

“see this guy oh!” I hurriedly removed the curtains and traveling bag that landed on him.




"this small bag nahim wan kill you!" I said.

"you no see as the curtain rap my noise and my mouth?" He said.


As Segun took a deep breath, it dawned on me that he was almost dying of suffocation before I saved him.


Someone that was saved from dying and the first thing he could say wasn't a "thank you" but; “where una toilet dey, I wan s’hit! s'hit don dey comot for my nyash!!”


“go left ehn! The last door for there na the toilet” Snow directed him.

Without taking off his trouser Segun ran out.




“Flow! Which kin Alomo you buy sef?”

“Na better one I buy na!” I replied.

“I buy am for Flourish Supermarket na!” Lie of the Millennium.

“but Flourish supermarket no dey sell fake things na!”

“guy my belle still dey disturb me as I dey so”



“which kin block this nonsense Landlord use build this wall?” I said, “wall just soft like biscuit”

“biscuit sef better” Snow said, “na paper!”


After arranging the clothes, to hang back the wardrobe was another case.

“where we go hang this hanger na! see hole-hole everywhere for our wall!”

I and Snow quarreled with our tools especially the Hammer that almost landed on my head as we managed to hang the wardrobe albeit it was slant.


"Guy!! Thank God say that hammer no comot for your hand land for my head oh!" It would had been a case of Hammer landing on rock.

"hnnnmm! I pity the hammer, e for just break!" Snow said.

"wetin you mean?"

"I mean say your head for break the hammer na!"

"you dey mad!! Na your head go break hammer!!" i cursed.







Segun suddenly came in with his trouser rolled up.

“una no tell me say una toilet na water-close-me!!” He said.

“water-close-me!!”

“which one be water-close-me again?” I asked.

“ok! Sorry!! I no tell you sef, the toilet no gree flush again, the water dey come up” Snow said.

“ehnnnn!”

“how na?” I asked.

“you no know say the toilet don spoil, if you flush naso the water and the s’hit go rise like Garri wey them soak for cup” Snow said.

“kai! Nyamah!!!!”

“na why you roll your trouser?” I asked.

“Yes na! the water wey dey there dey reach me for my knee”




Now for record sake and no pun intended, this is how our Toilet look like:

It is in between Water closet and Pit, but closer to pit.

Our Toilet and Bathroom is in the same room.

Whenever I entered to bath, I always do “tonbon-tonbon” on whether to leave the door open or to shut it. You shut it, and you could die of suffocation and bad odour, open it and the girls in the next compound would deem it right to come out to gist thereby watching b'lue film for free.


"tonbon-tonbon......." did I hear some of you say "baskelebe"? Well, for those of you that don't know what it means, ask those that are "Olodo" and always fail exams as a result of their "tonbon-tonbon" nature.


In addition, the heat that emanates from our Toilet when one bent down to poo could crack an a’ss as strong as Aso rock, and melt an a'ss as soft as Nicki Minaj's. **Don't ask me how i knew it was soft. I don touch am na, for dream oh!***


Our Toilet reeks so much that whenever I entered to poo, I wished I could shut my mouth with Plastic of Paris.


And if you slip and fall and your head strikes the old tile on the floor of our Toilet? You are dead.

MannyAgyeiK:
Landlord go scatter Flow!!!! Kai. Still following the story.

Abi oh

“Daddy na Brother Flow, him go s’hit for our goat house!”

“me? s’hit for goat house? How? When? Who?”

“no be you wey I just see dey comot for inside our goat house now?” Miracle said.

“me? no be me oh, Oga Landlord I just go see weda them the goat still dey healthy” I said.

“Healthy as how?”

“Healthy as in weda them no get Kwashiorkor” I thought someone behind me said that.

“Kwashiorkor! How?”

“Oga Landlord na bad thing if I check your goat for you weda them get Kwarshiorkor?”


“Brother!! you can lie!”

“will you shut up!!”

“oga Landlord no mind her oh, I no s’hit for your goat house oh” I was fidgety.

“wait make I see am!” The Landlord went into the Toilet, sorry into the To let.

“yes!! Daddy enter go see the s’hit!” Miracle was a pain in my a’ss.

“I no s'hit oh, that thing na doughnut wey I wan go give them the goat make them chop” I fled.

“Daddy!! Him don run!” Miracle yelled.










“lock door!! Lock door!!” I shut the door behind me and locked it from inside.

“guy! This one wey you run enter room dey say make we lock door?” Snow said.

“Mehn! I don f’uck up!”

“wetin you f’cuk up?” Snow asked.

“mehn! I no know wetin happen to me wey I no think well oh” Alomo was it.

“As I knock for Toilet door wey you dey inside, naso I say make I go the other Toilet wey dey this compound go s’hit” I narrated.

“as I reach there, naso I see say them write Toilet for the door, I com surprise oh”

“because I dey sure say them no write anything like that for the Toilet door”

“As I dey sure say na TOILET I dey read for the door, I kukuma enter inside”


“ehen! As you enter wetin com happen?” Snow asked.

“naso I begin s'hit for ground oh!” I replied.

“you sef! Why you go s’hit for ground of Toilet?” Snow said.

“guy! No be ground of Toilet I s’hit”

“where you com s’hit?”

“na for Goat house I s’hit oh” I said, “I no know say the place wey I enter na Landlord Goat house”

“hahahahahahahahahaha! Ok! So you see the TO LET wey Landlord write for him goat house door as TOILET?”

“yes oh, I think say na toilet na, you know say the Toilet dey near the goat house!”

"hahahahahahaha! but why him write TO LET na because him wan rent the place out as shop but him goat still dey there for the main time"


“hahahahahahahahaha!” Snow laughed hysterically.

“hahahahahahahahahaha! Guy you go pack the s’hit with you hand oh!” Segun said.

“me? Pack s’hit with my hand? Say wetin happen?” I said.








Next there was a bang on the door.

“who be that?” Snow yelled.

“na me!! Na Landlord!!”

As I heard that, I flew to the wardrobe to hide.

“guy tell am say I no dey house”


“open this door!!” Oga Landlord yelled.

“I dey come oga landlord!” I heard Snow said.

“no allow am enter inside oh!” I warned.

“ok” Snow promised.





“Where that rubbish boy Flow!” Oga Landlord yelled.

“Flow?” Snow asked, “Who be Flow?”

“you dey ask me?” Oga Landlord raised his tone higher.

“Where that your Efulefu brother!!” Now that got me pissed.




Dear readers, don’t you ever ever ever call anyone from Anambra state Efulefu. Believe you me, even if you later buy him/her a big ball of fufu and Ofe Nsala, the mildest of punishment is for you to end up on IT at Okija shrine.






“him travel!” Snow replied.

“travel!! Person wey I see now now? Person wey com s’hit for my goat house!!”

“oga Landlord him travel” Snow repeated.

“ehen!! Which kin travel be that?”

“Astral travel!!” I said in a low voice, like Segun heard it and started laughing, “hahahahahaha!”






“nahim dey laugh inside abi?” Oga landlord said.

“no oh, no be him” Snow said.

“na who?” Landlord asked.

“na Goat!” Snow must still be drunk.

“Goat! Goat dey laugh?”

“yes na………………….”

“comot for road jor!” Oga landlord pushed Snow off the way and entered.

“good afternoon sir!” Segun greeted.

“bad afternoon to you!” Oga Ladlord said, “where is Flow?”

“I don’t know oh!” Segun replied.

“I know he is here!” The Landlord searched.


Another thing I learned from the twins Chima and Chidi is how to hang in the wardrobe like clothes.

*** I no go fit explain am well for una, but make I try***

This is the law: If your wardrobe is hanging close to where two walls met, hang on the meeting point of both walls with your hands holding the wardrobe top firmly. And your leg? Let your leg press tight on the wall with your back pushing it backwards. You will find out that the clothes you are putting on will look like there are hanged with hanger on the wardrobe.








The Landlord searched tirelessly and left angrily promising to get me at all cost to come pack my s’hit.



“guy!! How you take hide for that wardrobe wey him no see you?” Segun asked.

“mehn! You no go understand!”

“hahahahahahahaha!” Snow laughed.

“if to say that man catch you ehn!!”

“wetin him for do? Him no fit do me anything jor!!” I said, “make person no s’hit again?”

“hahahahahahahahahaha!” They both laughed.



“Flow no vex oh! I wan s’hit sef, e get as my belle dey do me” Segun said.


That was when it dawned on me what Alomo had done.




"braaaaaaaaaa!" Our wardrobe fell to the ground.


"Flow!! see wetin you cause now!!" Snow yelled.

Melancholy:
Flow, this got me lmao! If u see the way am laughing hysterically mehn.

Yeah! thats whats up.Thats my aim.

viciati:
Baba flow i believe u die...thumbs up

I believe you too