₦airaland Forum

Trypa:
Yeah u did n I reAlly tnk u for ur support

You are welcome!

“Sege! How far! Wetin dey happen? How Onitsha?” I shook hands with Segun and I noticed the ever black as Charcoal Sege was becoming an Albino.


“Sege you dey bleach?” I asked.

“me bleach! No oh! I no dey bleach oh! Na the weather! i dey chop better food na” He said.




“oboy welcome oh! How Osha?”

“Mehn! Osha dey Ok oh!”

I hope you all are not lost "Osha" is short for "Onitsha".


“Mehn I like that town, I don dey become Ibo boy oh!” he said, “Ke kwanu?”

“odi mma my bother! hahahahahahahaha!” I laughed

“hahahahahahaha! Guy you be Yoruba boy wey don dey like Ibo!” The same way I was Ibo boy wey like Yoruba when I was serving in Ilesa.

“yes oh! Ibo life don enter my head!” I prayed he had not turned 419.













“Sege na my Cousin Snow be this!” I said as Segun settled.

“Snow Nwanne na Mathematical Sege wey I dey tell you of be this”

“na the guy wey I tell you say be all the girls dem Daddy for barracks”

“hahahahahahaha!” Segun laughed.

“na the guy wey cross almost all the Rivers for barracks”

“this thing wey him carry for waist, him don use am destroy so many girls future”

“all for only one person? hahahahahahaha!!” Snow laughed.

“hahahahahahahaha!! ehennn! You dey doubt me?” I said, “just leave your girlfriend for house with am, and see weda no be twins that your girlfriend go born next six months”.

“Ahan! Flow no be Nine months women dey take born pekin?” Snow said.

“yes na! but for Segun own case na six months any woman wey him sleep with go dey before she born”

“hahahahahahahahaha!” We all laughed.











“Segun wetin I go offer you na?” I asked.

“nothing oh! I dey Ok” He replied.

“you dey Ok as how?”

“I dey Ok na!” He repeated.

“which kin play be that one! guy I must offer you something oh!”

“ok, if you must offer me something, offer me that girl wey I see sidon outside for una compound as I dey enter” I wished he knew what Nnenna was capable of.


“That one no be problem na! Snow is the minister for women affairs, Snow! let that be done with immediate effect! Ok!!” I said.

"Yes sir!"

“hahahahahahahahaha!” Snow laughed.


“serious! make I buy you Alomo na!” I knew Segun would never reject Alomo come what may, even if he rejected every other drink.









In no time Big bottle of Alomo bitters was on the table albeit I bought it on credit from Angela who had increased her wares to selling wines and Alcoholic drinks. Talking of progress in business of a woman that claimed she was born again Christian.



“what of Amos and James na?” I asked as we drank on.

“mehn I hear say them don release them since oh”

“ehen! Give me them two number sef! I don lost my phone before and all their number don go”


“what of Funmi and her sister Ife nkor?” I noticed the Alomo bitters in the bottle increased as we poured out.

“Funmi don born her pekin for Sola, them two don marry sef”

“ehen!! You mean am? That mean say Sola life don better oh!” I was sure for any man to be married to any of Mr. Akeju’s daughters meant two things; that that man was under control of the Akejus conglomerate, and that he is under a spell. Under a spell of being a houseboy for the rest of his life.

“what of Ife?” I cared to know.

“Ife? Ife don get job MTN na, she be big girl now oh!”

“You mean am?” I was wishing I impregnated her that time, but again she was wise enough to allow that happen.

“you dey hear from guys from barracks so?”

“yes oh! Sir White and me nahim dey Onitsha sef, the barracks wey dem post am to no too far from where I dey stay for Onitsha”

“ehen! Make that guy no go carry that him wickedness enter Alaigbo oh!” I said, “Igbo boys go just kill am oh!”

“him don calm down na! him no dey do those him gra-gra again”

For the benefit of those of you reading that are “Ajebutters”, “gra-gra” is a word in the Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary For Pidgin, and the last time I checked the meaning, it means forceful or when someone is bent on using force on something/someone. One can also use the word in English sentences, for example; I gra-gracaly collected the money he owed me from him.


“I know say one day that guy go calm down! I know”

"yes oh! him don calm down small, na me dey even supply am Igboh wey him dey smoke"

"guy! so you never stop this Igboh thing?"

I turned and saw that Snow was nowhere to be found.

"where this guy go?"







Our dear Alomo had gone half when I heard rumbles in my stomach.

Then from rumbles thunder struck.

I stood up and headed to the Toilet.

"Segun I dey come!" I excused myself.

My brain initially lead me "right-wards" so I walked right to our Toilet.

“who dey there?” I knocked.

“Flow na me!” Snow replied.

“ooooh God!!!! Do quick na?” I cried.

“wait I don dey finish, make this last s’hit just comot for my nyash”

“guy do quick, I don dey die here!” I cried.

At that Juncture my brain that formerly lead me "right-wards" started leading me "left-wards", so I wheeled left towards the other Toilet that was for tenants that stayed at the left side of the compound.







“Toilet” I saw boldly written at the entrance.

“which day them com write this thing for this people Toilet door?” I said to myself.

The door was metallic unlike ours that was wooden and worn out. "Landlord wan make this people Toilet make sense well well abi?" I said to myself.

As lucky as I was, I knocked and there was no one inside.

As I heard another thunder in my stomach, I ran into the Toilet, took off my boxers, hurriedly bent down without looking at my surrounding, wishing I wasn't pooing on the floor.




After about 30 minutes of “hmmmmmmmm!! Hmnnnnn!! Hnnnnnn!” I stood up to leave.

I searched tirelessly for the big drum that was supposed to be by the Toilet side that was meant for flushing but couldn’t find it.

“abi them don comot their own flush water drum?” I asked myself.



The next thing I heard was “meahhhhh!” a goat bleat.

“Goat in a Toilet!” I was shocked.

“meeahhhhhh!” I turned and saw that there were so many Goats in the Toilet.

“Or was I dreaming?”

I unevenly shock my head to wake myself up if I was dreaming.






When I heard; “Brother Flow no be Toilet you enter so oh! Na Goat house! hahahahaha!!” it dawned on me that I wasn’t dreaming.

“you dey mad Miracle, how I go enter Goat House go s’hit? I don kolo?” I cursed as I hurried out.

“where una flush water drum dey? una comot am from inside” I asked her.

“Brother you don go s’hit for inside Goat house” She repeated.

“you dey mad! No be Toilet them write for the door so?” I turned.

“hahahahahaha!! no be Toilet brother, na TO LET”

I turned again and behold what I initially saw as TOILET had instantly turned TO LET.


The Alomo I drank cleared in my eyes and I saw that the imaginary “I” was fiction.








“ehhhn! Who s’hit for my Goat house?” I saw the Landlord coming.

Ramwab94:
ADEH39, I'm so sorry to say this. We already had a damsel to our liking whom we pledge to wholeheartedly support. She's Trypa. However, I wish you goodluck in the contest. Flow abi I lie?

She is crying now because she refused ta adhere to my instructions to get a campaign manager.

I voted to her though.

Trypa cry no more. S'hit can never be Roses.

“Sir why are you laughing at me?” I asked.

“nothing? I just remembered your interview yesterday, hahahahahahahahaha!” He Jackassed.

“what happened yesterday?” I asked, and that made him laughed the more.

“can I help you with you bag?” I asked after he had stopped his laughing session.

“yes! Do” he handed over the rather heavy bag to me.

“I like your shoe!” He complimented.

“and I like yours too!” I said.

“this one? This one wey don old like this??” Truth, it was really really old, the kind of shoe I would rather call “polish save my soul”. And the sole? It had gone North Central.








“thank you!” He collected the bag on arriving his office, “sit down!”

“emmmnn!! What is smelling?” I thought he wouldn’t notice.

“emnn! Something like kerosene!” He sniffed.

“Kerosene? No Kerosene is poured on any shirt oh!” Guilty conscience!

“I guess it’s the perfume I sprayed, it smells like Kerosene only when the smeller have running Nose” I said, “do you have running Nose Sir?”

“hahahahahahahahaha!!” He laughed.

“I don’t oh! Mr. Peter, abi does my Nose look like a Nose that is running?” I took a glimpse at his Nose.

Oh! What wonderful edifice he carried above his mouth!!!

“No oh! Your Nose don’t look like a Nose that is running, it looks like a Nose that is flying!” I almost said.

It was flying North east I could see.








“Mr………… remind me of your name again?” I guess laughter made him forgot my name.

“Mr Pete Edochie!” I answered.

“is that your name? Pete Edochie?”

“Yes……. No……… Yes……… No”








“Mr. Peter Eke, your work starts now, here is our prospectus for student, take it, go through it, and anywhere you feel we should make amends, let me know” The only place that needed amends was the shape of his Nose.






We both walked to the cafe and he started the introduction. Introducing me to Chioma and Imo was like introducing me to my brother and sister, Chioma and Imo were like my friends; well, not just friends to me alone, friends to me and Snow.



I, Snow and Junior always came to Broville café to browse and to tell “sit down comedy” not stand up.

Whenever we sat browsing, we always made the house laughed until all their ribs were gone. I will never forget the day Junior sat with legs wide open facing the crowd that were browsing, then Chioma the worker in the café whispered to me that Junior forgot to shut his door, and that the door was out of shape. And that was in the era when the café had florescent bulb shone everywhere. As awkward as it sounds, Junior wore no underwear; he was just “straight up”. That was the day I knew Togo citizens carried Anaconda in between their legs.

“see as this boy open him leg!” I said to myself, “and him no wear boxers oh!”

My friend Junior was really showing the world that a rain forest could be found where River Niger and River Benue met.

I bent down and saw that his rain forest grew only “white grasses” like they lacked photosynthesis.


I told Snow who was busy chatting on facebook what my eyes had seen, asking him why he refused mending the map in the short he tore while he played football with it, because for I all I cared, I might had been the one that wore the short that evening, and with the kind of feelings sent down my p’enis whenever I saw the a'sses of the beautiful girls that always came to Broville to browse with their laptops, my longitude would sure had reached equator for Chioma to see.











“Chioma! This is Peter, he will be our computer trainer here” Mr. Yaga introduced.

How I wished Chioma was fine! Well, the Bible says she is wonderfully and beautifully made. But sorry to say, not her chest.

Her chest was “worworfully” made with hairs more than that in my p’ubic region and my armpit put together. The hairs in her chest made me believed that man really originated from Ape.

And her Nose? Panku in Socials studies in secondary school comes to mind. What was it with workers in Broville and Big Nose? I pray my Nose don’t grow bigger as I continue work there. I just pray.



“and this is Imo he is also a worker here, they both work here” Mr. Yaga concluded his introduction.

I shook hands with Imo a.k.a Nwaba with a smile on my face while he frowned in reply.

Why he frowned wasn’t far fetched.

He frowned because I owed him 450 naira the last time I came to browse. And I had promised him the day before the presidential election to dash him 500 naira should Buhari win the Presidential Election. All summed up to 950 Naira VAT inclusive.













We chatted while I arranged my office and lecture hall.

“Peter? Where did you graduate from?” Chioma asked.

“Imsu” I answered.

“Well, me I finished from Absu” She said.

“No wonder!” I said to myself.

No wonder she couldn’t spell “peanut”, no wonder she never knew what Avocado Peer was, no wonder dollar and pounds were both American currency to her.

**Absu students i know why i dey talk oh**. **No be say i wan curse una oh**

Many of my friends that graduated from Abia State University can spell only their names and two other English words.










After cleaning my office, as I sat to study what I would be teaching the students that were rolled over to me from the former trainer that relocated to the North, my phone rang.


It was Segun.

“Hello! Flow I don reach Port Harcourt oh! Where you say your house dey sef?” I had forgotten Mathematical was on his was to Petakwa.

“Ok Sege, my House dey for Rumuigbo”

“Where you dey now?” I asked.

“I dey Rumu.......okoro!” He answered.

“ok, my place no dey far from Rumuokoro, tell driver say you wan come down”

“when you come down………………………”










Oh How I wish Segun never came.



Oh how I wish that thing that starts with letter “T” never disgraced me.



Oh how I wish!

Chimaritoponcho:
flow! indeed you have lived a life full of Ill_lucks and misfortunes.

permit me to pls ask you dis, are you cursed?

No i am not.

I think i would prefer you called me living the "true life". True life which is full of good, bad and ugly. But i most times emphasis on the "bad" and "ugly" aspect adding a "very ugly" often, and a "very very ugly" rarely, and worst of adding the "just too ugly" once in a blue moon.

tfabu:
We're waiting like seriously....

There you go

“Nkume we go give you na! you no see say him pocket tear?” I pleaded.

“una two never see anything, I go carry una go meet my Manager, when una reach there, una go explain for am”

How dreaded Nkume’s Manager was?



“Sir, these boys came to drink, after drinking they brought up this lie that their pocket tore!” I never knew Nkume could speak good English.

“Eheeeen! How much is their money?” The Manager asked.

“their money is Five thousand ten Naira Sir!” Nkume said.

“no oh! Our money is Four thousand ten Naira!” I said, “you don forget?”

“ok! Sorry! Their money is Four thousand ten Naira!” He corrected.

“show me where the pocket tore!” The Manager asked.

“see it here sir! It has been tore for a long time and I forgot and mistakenly put money into it”

The Manger looked at the hole in the pocket for a while and said, “you want to tell me you don’t have a wallet?”

“I have before, but it has lost” Snow answered.

The Manager was quiet for some seconds, then he said; “when will you pay us our money?”

“By tomorrow sir! tomorrow afternoon unfailingly!” I promised.

“we can even keep our phones with you” Snow said.

“guy which kin play be that? how we go keep our phone with them?” I almost said, “abi na because you phone na kpalasa nahim make?”


“ok! Where are the phones?”

“see them Sir” We handed over our phones after putting them off.






As we walked out of the Hotel, my eyes turned red on realizing that I was expecting a call from one beautiful girl I met that told me to give her my number rather than she giving me hers, that she would call.

“Snow na you cause this thing oh!” I spoke in fury, “I no tell you say I no wan celebrate my employment!”

“and na you must pay that money!”











God forgives, I don’t!


I washed, ironed and starched my finest shirt and trouser I was supposed to wear to resume work at Broville, and dear Junior took them with him to Lagos.


“Hello! Junior! You get mind oh!”

“how na!” he spoke like he knew not of what I talked of.

“you dey craze oh! You carry my shirt and trouser travel you com dey talk rubbish”

“ok!! Guy no vex! I no look am well when I dey carry am, you know say the room dark this morning wey I wan travel!” He said gibberish.

“you must be crazy!”

“Flow! Why you dey curse me like this because of ordinary shirt and trouser wey I mistakenly take na?”

“you dey craze! I go curse you more, as you no know say clothe wey person wash and iron the person wan wear am”

“guy I no know na” He hung up.

“hello! Hello! Hello!!!” I was full of fury.

“Junior na b’astard oh!” I cursed.

“hahahahahahahaha!” Snow laughed.


What a life sef?




“which cloth I go wear na!” I searched.

“wear this one na!” Snow suggested I wore rags.

Amongst all the rags in our wardrobe, that particular rag Snow suggested I wore was the best.

I brushed, polished my shoe and took my bath, but as I stepped out into the morning sunlight, I realized the rag I wore was first class. And to make matters worse, it was so so rumpled.

What a life sef?

The only quality thing I wore was my shoe, well polished and shone in the morning sun.

Since I wore a quality shoe on rags, I tried showing off the shoe how best I could, for instance by raising my legs up high for the world to see while I walked, and by looking at the shoe and smiling without taking my eyes off it so whoever that saw me looking at it would definitely take a glimpse at what i was looking at and smiling.




I was still looking at my shoe while walking without looking at what was in front when I suddenly collided with someone and something poured me.




“Oga you go pay me oh!” One Kerosene hawker grabbed me.

What a life sef?



“madam shey na me go pay you abi na you go pay me? See my cloth?” I complained.

“Oga pay her her money jor?” One long upper lipped guy said.

“e concern you? Abi you no see as my shirt don stain with kerosene?”

“no be you no look where you dey waka go?” The Kerosene hawker said.

“me?”

“yes you!”

“Madam you dey rumple my shirt oh! Leave my shirt” An already rumpled shirt.

“I no go leave you unless you pay me my money”

Soon, crowd gathered and there was so much noise.



“oga pay her her money na? Her money for the kerosene wey you pour na 500 naira” One very short woman said.

What a life sef?

Money yab man!


“ok I go pay her!” I agreed when I saw one button of the shabby shirt I wore flew out.



“but madam I no get reach 500 naira oh!” I brought out my wallet.

“how much you get?” The short engine asked.

“na three hundred naira I get” I brought the money out.

Just then, I saw Snow passed, and I cried with a loud voice; “Snow!! Snow!! Snow!!!”

He walked faster and passed. Was it because I ate the little Beans that was left in the pot that morning that made him refused to come rescue a drowning brother? Or so I thought.


“abi no be Snow be that?” I asked myself.

“na him jor!!”

“Snow! Snow! Snow!!” He was virtually running.


“oga no be only Snow you go call, you soon call Glo!” The short engine was getting on my nerves.

“pay the money jor!”


“I go pay, but na three hundred naira I get!”

Like they planned to extort me off some bucks, as I was very sure the Kerosene that poured on me wasn’t up to 2 litres which should be about three hundred naira or so.



The short engine whispered to the ears of her friend who was also short, then turned to me and said; “oya bring the ewai!”

“Ewai” in Ikwerre means money, while in Igbo “Ego” means money if you care to know.



The money I gave to the women was my last card, and I promised to steal if I begged for money for Lunch and no one was kind enough to give.

What a life sef?



I stood close to the main road so vehicles passing by would blow wind on me in other for the Kerosene on my shirt to dry.







When I looked at the time, it was 8:30 already, and I had promised Mr. Yaga I will be around to start work by 8am.



As i turned to move on, behold i saw Mr. Yaga, and as comic would have it, he started laughing.

Skykid1208:
Oga Flow Come update oo, or else.. ...... ....

Make una no vex. I busy die. first thing tomorrow morning

rhoseti1:
Finally..finally,i am here.
Actually,this is my first time of writing any story apart from the one i wrote during my ssce wassce,i red through flow1759 stories and had this ginger i should be able to write some of my stories too.
Here i am,contructive criticism is highly appreciated as well as ur thoughts and comments...your support is all i want and i promise i wont disappoint you guyz.....flow baba...i trowey salute

rhoseti1 You be correct! i promise to read your story

“Snow!! I don get job oh!” I screamed into the room.

“ehnnnn!”

“which kin job?” I saw the smiles in his face.

“Na one oil company job oh” I lied.

“ehnnnn! You mean am?” He was surprised.

“Thank God oh!”

“naso! Them go dey pay me five hundred thousand naira every month” I lied on.

“Guy! Mehn! That mean say you don be big boy oh!”

“choi! I happy for you well well!” He was over joyous I could tell on seeing that his jaw broadened.


A broadened jaw signifies that Snow’s joy has stretched to the extreme, that I could tell. And whenever his jaw broadened, he looked like a combination of Davido the musician and Taribo West the former Super Eagles defender.




"how e take happen na?"

“mehn! Them just call me say make I come their company this morning oh” Linus Mba Flow lied, “naso as I reach there them come say make I show them my credentials, as I show them, them com say I don get the job”


"just like that!"

“kai!! It’s a Miracled”

The “d” I added to "miracle" is no mistake. Snow is know to always speak in past tense when happy. “As him don give you the money finish why didn’t you shitted for him mouth!”, "I was so happyed when she calleded", "mehn guy i loved that girled!", and such and such.


“guy that called for celebrationed oh!”



So we hit Goldberg, I and Snow alone, Flow and Snow!! I thank God there was no Junior that Night.


On our way, Snow told everybody that cared to know that his cousin brother Flow has gotten a job in an Oil firm. He told Angela, he told Fix something, and he even asked if he should call Junior and inform him of the good news, I said No.


“guy why you go tell Fix Something na?” I was sure Fix something would spread the news in GBS that night.

“why I no go tell am? No be good news?”

“guy the job never materialize na!” I said, “them never give me appointment letter".

“guy this place wey we dey go so, I no get money for beer oh” I informed.

“no worry I go pay” He assured, “I go pay for everything wey we go drink”

“ok oh! Thank you!”

“so you get money to buy beer nahim I tell you make you give me money make I load my phone you no gree” I said.

“I no get the money that time na, now I don get”









I spilled the beans at Goldberg; I told him the truth.That I wasn’t employed in any Oil firm, that I lied to him.


I told him about the man named Mr. Yaga that interviewed me at Broville Cyber café/ Computer institute. I also told him of the sharing formula postulated by Mr. Yaga.



“e make sense na, you go manage am na” Snow said, “abi how you go do am na?”

“why not? I go manage am” I gulped down the last cup from the third bottle of 1759 I drank.

“make we dey go house na?” I said.

“wait make I pay first!” He dipped his hand into his pocket.

“wait oh!”

“wetin?”

“money wey I put for this pocket don fall comot”

“you say wetin?”

“I say money wey I put for pocket don fall comot”

“how e take fall? Where e fall? Who fall am?” I asked s’tupid, nonsense, and Idiotic questions respectively.

“I no know oh! Wetin I know be say, I no see the money again” He said.

“how na? your pocket dey lick?”

“e be like say e dey lick oh!” He cried.

“where am? show me?”

“see am na!” He showed me a hole in his pocket.

“na true oh!” I said with a loud voice, “na two hole sef!”

“who tell you say na two hole?” He said, “na one hole jor!”

“see am na, one for here… one for here!” I pointed.

“guy na one hole jor!”



“No be how many hole wey tear be the problem, na how we go face Nkume be the problem”






Nkume was the most dreaded waiter at Goldberg. His ugly face could make a baby cry. Saying he had butt face was an understatement; his face was like a one year old conventional bathroom slippers.


He had severally chased me out of Goldberg football viewing centre just because I had no money to buy beer, whereas I always tipped him whenever I came to drink there.

In Igbo language, Nkume means Rock. His mother made no mistake giving him such a name. He was a Multipurpose sadist.



“guy we don die today!” I cried.

“how we go explain this thing to Nkume”

“wetin be that? I hear my name here?” Nkume passed by.

“no oh, we no call your name oh, we just dey calculate how much drink we drink”



I drank three bottles of big 1759, Snow drank three bottles of Star, we both took a plate of Isiewu each. So do the Maths.



“guy our money na four thousand naira!” I said to Nkume who stood beside us doing the maths.

“no, una money na four thousand ten naira” That was how sadistic Nkume could be.

“you don forget say una buy one Benson for that guy!” He pointed at one skinny guy who came to our table to hail us not too long after we sat.

“so Nkume, you no fit forget 10 Naira?”

“you must be mad!” Nkume said, “how I go forget that kin big money?”

“oya make una pay me my money!”




I wished I could fly.

duran2059:
Flow I just read your other stories, they are quite good but I am confused here, in "Barrack Boy" you said you finally became an officer and got married, that was after your NYSC. So how come about this story?

I never said barrack boy was true life story, if i said so, i was wrong. But this is true life.

“A computer trainer needed urgently, call the manager on 080……………………………”

I saw on a board written with chalk as I walked towards GBS one evening.

“I fit apply for this job oh” I said to myself, “I fit get the job oh!”

“hello! This number flashed me twice”

Since I had no money for airtime to call, I flashed the manger and he called.

“Yes sir! My name is Flo……………. I mean Peter” I stammered, “my name is Peter”

“I saw your advert for the job of a computer trainer, I think I can fit in that position” I said.

“Ok, are you good and can handle a class?” He asked.

“yes sir, I have taught student so many times in the past”

“ok, can you come to my office now?”

“Yes………….No……….. Yes” My voice shook.

“which one is Yes….. No?”

“I mean Yes!”

“No” Because I was supposed to attend my younger sister’s graduation bash that evening, and I was supposed to be on my way so I would be in Owerri before dark.


“I will be coming to your office right away sir!”

As I headed East to his office my mind was playing how he would tell me the little amount I will be paid every month for the services I will be rendering.

“Young Man, due to how small our institute is, you will be paid the sum of Ten Thousand Naira monthly, with time, your pay will rise".

Was it ever dead?

It is only in Nigeria that a Graduate will be paid 10,000 Naira monthly. Such amount small enough to be what a Nigerian Politician use to buy Tissue paper daily.





“good afternoon sir!”

“Good afternoon! Sit down!”




“why this one dey look my face? Abi I fine?” I wondered.

“is like I know this face!” The chubby man said, “have we met?”

I thought the interview question had started.

“Me? Bet? I don’t bet oh!”

“hahahahahahahahahahah! You are funny, I think you will be an interesting guy to work with us”

“I said have we met? Not have we bet?”

“met? what is met?” I asked.

“hahahahahahahah! You are so so funny!” He almost fell to the ground laughing.

“I mean have I seen you before?” He asked in the language I understood, before then he was speaking french.

“no oh!”

“have you come to my Cyber café to browse before? I mean this cyber cafe?” He pointed left.

“Yes sir, I always come to browse here regular” I answered.

“ehen! That is where I have seen you!” He spoke like there was water in his mouth.

“you have sinned?” I asked.

“sinned?”

“hahahahahahahahaha! No I said, that is where we have seen”

“Me? Sinned? I am not a sinner oh! I am a born again Christian”

“hahahahahahahaha! I didn’t say sinner, I said Seen, seeeeen!”

The man’s intonation echoed and distorted in my ears. Or was I infected with Cholera of the ear?


“hahahahahahahahahahaha! You are funny! Very funny!!”



“I never meant to make you laugh sir! Is just that I wasn’t hearing you clearly”


After the final stopped laughing, he asked, “Do you have experience in computer application? And can you teach?”

“As a matter of fact sir, I am very experience in Microsoft Word, Power point, Excel, Publisher, Paint, Corel draw, and so many more”

“And yes I can teach, I have been teaching right from my mother’s womb”

“Really?” He adjusted.

“Yeah! I know one day I will become a Lecturer” Bloody me lying.


“ehenn! Mr. Lecturer tell me, who and who were you teaching in your mother’s womb?”

“eehnnn! Well, in my mother’s womb, I was teaching the Placenta and the Fallopian tube” I bought him more laughter.


“hahahahahahahahahaha!” He stood up laughing and i thought i saw his heart came out from his mouth.



After his second chapter of laughter, like he was under remote control he sat, stood up and said; “you know what? You have been given the job, but we will first test you, to know if you can teach well”

“but before then, I will at this point inform you that you have no Salary to receive every month” That was a shocker.

“really!”

“yeah! Wh…………………….”

Like I-Robot, I stood up and headed for the door.

“Where are you going to? He asked.

“I am going home!”

“why?”


“because there is nothing free, even in Freetown!”

“wait! You didn’t allow me explain”

“Sit down, lemme explain”


I sat and was longing for him to tell me I would be served a plate of Rice daily as pay, or I will be given free internet access and that would be my pay.


“listen, when I said you have no salary to receive every month, what I mean is that your Pay will be on Percentage basis” It seemed my dear interviewer had intonation deformity that fluctuated.

“Percentage Buses!” That was what I thought he said.

"I no sabi drive bus oh, talkless of Percentage own!!" A section of my weak brain corrected me, that what he actually said was percentage basis not Percentage buses.




“Sir what do you mean by percentage basis? Explain!!”

“well my dear, when I said percentage basis, I mean we will share the money each student pays as fees”

"Afeez! which one be Afeez again?" My interviewer's intonation was really out of this world.



“who will share it?” I was becoming a clown.

“weeee! We will share it, me and you!”

“ok wee!” It was like I smoked Japanese weed for the first time that afternoon.

“yes wee! We will share in the percentage of 60-40” He said, “you take 40, I take 60”

“Fair enough!” I said.








How I wish I turned down the offer.

Alexgeneration:
Flow baba,I dey really enjoy the story,but sincerely,there is no co-herence in the plot unlike "man wey dey reason, barrack boy,etc. But you're good story teller.

Ok noted. I will do something about it.

But you guys should know that it is true life.

ajumaxbabe:
ghost mode deactivated
Flow u too much
But u dey jump story no be small. Man wey dey reason n ibo boy wey like yoruba dey straigtforward dan dis flow n snow
So i tot.
I like u sha

Where and where i jump, no vex?

Ishilove:
What is Oboku?

I think say you be Yoruba?

Remind me of that your story from way back?

Wasimi..........something something

“abeg comot there! I no like una church!” We argued outside

“instead of me make I dey go una church, e no better make I become muslim?”

“No mind Junior jor!” Otukpa said.


Yeah you read right! Otukpa. Otukpa from the dead.


Otukpa had started being in talking terms with us, just because he wanted us to help him share drinks and food in his Oga’s Hospital opening ceremony.


Otukpa’s Oga Doctor Great was opening another hospital close to Rumuokuta.

“so una go follow me share drinks abi?”

“yes na, no wahala” I said, “as far as we go carry plenty drink go house after the party?”

“wahala no dey if na that one” He answered, “drinks go borku!”



Borku! That word made me remembered eating “Oboku” in Ilesa.


The first day I stepped my foot in Ilesa from Orientation Camp, I met Funmi.


Funmi was fresh and young and she needed to mingle, so I “mingled” with her while she gave me Oboku in turn.

Our "mingling" lasted for just a week, afterwhich it ended abruptly.


During the one week of our relationship, Oboku was my only source of protein.


I will never forget the Legendary Okro soup Funmi cooked with Oboku. That was the day I discovered there was crude oil in Okro soup. And there was Coal in Oboku too.


“won’t you eat?” She ate alone.

“I will eat, I have not brushed my teeth!” I lied.

“anhan! You have not brushed since morning?”

“yes, I have not brushed!” I continued reading what I was reading on my phone.

"won't you eat Oboku?" She asked me, but i was carried away.


***I have not said this before, no pun intended, this is for real, it happened, Jokes apart***

***My Aunty Ishilove no be say I wan curse you oh, I had wanted to write this in Ibo Boy Wey Like Yoruba, but due to the fact that so many activities unfolded during my service year it escaped my mind to write about Funmi that was my first Yoruba Love****

I was reading a story in a Forum called Nairaland, the Story was “Wasimi………………. Something, I can’t remember now” by one wonderful writer Ishilove.

“I think I will give writing a story in this forum a second thought” I thought, “I think I will make a good writer of non-fiction comic”

“I think I can be a good writer like Ishilove………..”



“Flow………………….” Funmi dragged me to reality.

“ehnnnnnn Ishilove” I slipped my tongue.

“you say? Ishi what?” She yelled.

“did I say Ishi anything?”

“you dey ask me?”

“I wanted to say Ishiewu” I lied, “where can I buy Ishiewu in this town?”

“Ishiewu?”

“yeah!”

“don’t worry I will take you there” She was glad, "it's a very big place"


And yes she took me to where we ate four plates of ishiewu each the following day, what made me call it quit dating her was because she was a glutton to the core. She cared not that I was a corper that needed to manage the little allowee I was paid. If I complained, she would shut my mouth with Oboku.





“make una just come!” Otukpa said. “drinks go Borku!”

“make una dress well oh!”

“no wahala, we go show, as far as na me and Snow go sleep for cooling van wey them the drinks dey”



That experience still rings back in my mind.

The day I was locked in a cooling van. I and my friend Booze.

It happened in a wedding ceremony of a secondary school friend of mine in Calabar.

I was designated to be the one that would enter the cooling van and bring out the drinks deep inside.

I had finished bringing out the Cans Coke that were deep inside, and something in me told me to go back inside that there might still be some more. I was searching for Can Coke inside when darkness fell.

“who close the door!” I yelled.




I seized that opportunity to drink about ten Can Heineken before reaching for my phone to call for help lest I froze.


When the door was opened my legs were jittery and my eyes were shutting all thanks to Chairman Heineken. Or better still "enikeni" like Segun called it. According to Segun enikeni means anybody in Yoruba, that was the more reason why the drink had Yoruba origin.













The D-day came. I, Snow and Junior wore clothes so starched that they looked like parachutes on us.

“guy you know say na drink we go dey share” Snow said, “you go dirty this white wey you wear oh!”

“abeg forget that thing jor!”


I was told since Doctor Great was a staunch PDP member that Bar. Nyesom Wike who turned out to be Rivers State Governor elect would be the father of the day, so many other Crème de la Crème were there present.





I shared drinks to some and was insulted, to some others, I was spat on, while to a handful I was praised. I so much prevented my shirt to be stained.


The state of the art Suya stand was behind the building and people trooped there to get Suya sticks.

“Snow my mind dey that Suya oh” I said, “e be like say e go sweet oh”

“we go go later, make we share drink finish” She advised. "She" in the sense that i was staring at Snow's a'ss as he took off his shirt and "rolled it" in the tight jean he wore. Or was i drunk?

“Suya wey go soon finish!” I left him.

"no go! them go keep our own for us!" He warned.


“fly wey no dey hear word dey follow dead body enter grave” Goes an Adage in pidgin, I heeded not to that adage as I walked towards the Suya spot to get a stick.



“Make everybody leave here” One dark guy ordered.

“leave here!” He pushed the crowd.

And like a pack of card, I fell to the ground.

My white shirt was stained.

Where me and my Suya hunting colleagues fell was where empty sachet water bags were hipped.

I struggled with the sachet water bags as I tried to stand up.


“if I fall, I will raise again” I rose triumphantly.

Snow that just walked in suddenly started laughing on seeing me.

“Hahahahahahahahah!”

“why you dey laugh?

“Hahahahahahahahaha!! Mumu see wetin you carry for head!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!”


I saw I carried sachet water sack on my head and I looked like crowned prince of Dubai.

waistaa:
And flow 1759 this is for you,no go bet am ooo,e b like kora.dem go use am do u the more u look the less u see.if u wn bet,go for others and leave it.

Thanks for the advice!

“oboy I no hold offering oh!!” I said to Junior as we walked to the church.

“we no dey put offering for our church oh!”

“you say what?”

“I talk say them no dey put offering for our church”

“why na?”

“where is it written that we should give offering?” He asked, “where?”

“well, me I don’t know oh” I answered, “all I know is that it is good to give”

“see ehn! For our church, wetin we dey do anything wey you like you give a voluntary contribution wey them go give to the less privilege” Junior explained.


“Give and it shall be given onto you, good measures press down, shaken together and running over shall men give to your bossom- no be wetin Bible talk?”

“yes! The bible said that!”

“since the Bible said that, it simply means we should give" Pastor Flow preached.

“givers never lack!” If that quote was true, then your guess is as good as mine pertaining to how rich Witnesses are. I no talk anything oh.




“Flow lets forget about that one for now, I want you to speak only English from now till we enter the church” Junior said, “we are close to the Kingdom hall already”

“did you hear what I said?”

“yes sir!” I yelled.



“guy! I don forget Bible for house oh!” I realized suddenly. Talk of a farmer going to farm without machete.

“why you no carry am na?” Junior was surprised.

“I don already keep am for on top bed, I no know wetin make me go forget am”

“no worry, I go collect Bible for church give you” Junior promised, "Bible plenty for church"




I kicked dust severally as I walked faster to meet up Junior who was too hasty for my liking.

“guy I go fit see rag to clean my shoe for inside una church?” It’s like his church had everything for first timers, including Garri and Groundnut,a hungry me thought.





The church premises was simple and with beautiful flowers everywhere. Glowing exterior and a more glowing interior; the church brought back fun memories of when I was younger as a Catholic.



With Nostalgia, I will never forget an experience.


I was 5, young and energetic a food lover.

That was in the era when lunch was dinner, and since my Mum stated it as a rule that no church service, no food; that means “who no go church e no go chop!”


My first Holy Communion preparatory class teacher had told me that after service that Sunday I will recite the Our Father from the beginning to the end 10 times, The Hail Mary round the Rosary, The Angelis, Psalm 23 from beginning to end 12 times and if you leave her she would also say I should recite the Koran and the National Anthem.

What was my offense?

She caught me sleeping in the first Holy Communion preparatory class. Even after I explained to her that it was a result of the Beans and Akamu I ate that morning that made me slept, she still gave me so draconian a punishment. Maybe my mum had told her about the "who no go church e no go chop" rule, maybe she saw in the spirit that i sneaked to the house of our neighbour to eat the Beans and Akamu. Maybe not.


She said I was the dullest in her class that was what fueled her punishment, and that if I don’t recite all she said i should recite, she will flog me blue, black and rainbow.


During the week, I always remembered her in prayers. This was my prayer every morning during morning devotion:

Lord bless my Father and my Mother!! Make my mother to mistakenly add an extra meat to my plate of food every time she dishes food. As for Aunty Kate, Pls Lord cripple her so she will have no leg to walk to our house and dish food without meat, or better still kill her. Lord, I want you to make the past tense of See to be Sun because that is what I wrote in our last exam. One more thing Lord, Pls help me make Aunty Helen our teacher in church to be deaf, dump and blind, and if she refuses to repent, make her cripple too………………………….. Amen.



“Ask and it shall be given unto you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open unto you” That was the mindset I carried to church that Sunday. I longed to see Her royal Wickedness Aunty Helen deaf, dump, blind and crippled at the same time.


The church was crowded with every kid walking hand in hand with their mum and dad.

Since my Dad went to Liberia on peace keeping mission when I was 3, my mum stood to us three as a father and a mother, and sometimes as a bodyguard and a Shoe mender too.


I smiled as we entered the church premises knowing I serve a God that answers prayers.




“see Aunty Helen!” My younger brother yelled all of a sudden.

Like a robot, I turned and behold i saw the devil with two horns walking towards my direction.

I forcefully freed myself from my mother’s grab and dashed into the crowd.


I had ran a distance of 100 metres, when I turned to see if someone chased after me. To my greatest surprise, my dear brother chased.


Was he a spy for Aunty Helen?

Was he paid to chase after me?

Why would a brother betray his only brother?

I ran so fast as I swayed being stopped abruptly by the crowd. In fact, if there was a child Usain Bolt, I was the one.

I was tired, yet my younger chased on.

My legs failed me, yet my younger brother chased.

I had ran to the main road, yet my dear younger brother chased.

Or was he paying me back for stealing the meat from his plate of rice when power went out the previous night?


“when you want to cross the road, look left, right, and left again” Was traffic rule. I failed the traffic rule as I dashed across without looking.


The closer and closer my younger brother ran the weaker my legs, until I fell flat facing down, and my younger brother fell on me.



“Abeg na! no carry me go give Aunty Helen!” I cried, “Abeg na!”

“make we run, e be like say she dey come!” My younger brother said.

That was when it dawned on me that He ran without knowing why. The just ran because his elder brother ran.

















The Kingdom hall was so simple that the microphone they used was the wired type, their windows were the louvers type, their pulpit was wooden. No musical instrument, no choir members, no ushers.


They preached about why there is no trinity, that the person of the Holy spirit was fiction. They preached why Christmas shouldn’t be celebrated and so many things that made me saw them as none Christians. At some point I said to myself; “if trumpet blow now, I don go hell oh!” “I go get direct ticket to hell just because of this things wey I dey hear” “e no better make I dey beer parlour when trumpet sound than make I dey here?”

As funny as it sounds, in the Bible Junior gave to me, i saw God as "Jehova", and I saw in some verses "Jay" making me think i was in Jamaica.

They also preached that Jesus died in a log of wood and not a cross as most Christians believe.

“Father forgive them for they know not what they are saying” I prayed.








I was glad when service ended, little did I know there was a trap in the kitty for me.


“Brother collect as much as you can read!” One beautiful lady beckoned.

The Witness sisters i saw were so so beautiful; all of them, but I had promised myself not to get carried away by their beauty and as mistake would have it, I married one of them and become a Witness.

Witnesses are first class in winning Souls I must say, little wonder they used such beautiful queen as bookstand attendant. And little wonder the Sunday afternoon house to house preaching that was their custom.

“Flow collect oh! You no go pay, na free!” See Junior that said I should speak English alone.

I was staring at the beautiful lady and forgot myself picking my fourteenth book from the bookstand.

“you still want more?” The beautiful lady asked.

“ok lemme take one more!” I took one that looked like it was written in Spanish.

“God bless you brother!” She said.

“And bless you too!”




“…but brother you can assist the printing of these materials with anything you have”

waistaa:
For all hustlers of the die hard fan of clubs like mine... Manchester United,if carrick,wayne no play wahala dey o.I hope rojo is back coz I never see am for training,e mean say na valencia,jones,smalling or mumu evans,young go dey back make blind play 4 for us with the usual mata,herrera n who knows who dis wicked LVG go use,mayb falcao n fella or wilson n vp that is if wayne is fit to play after his thigh ish against Crystal P...GGMU as the Reds are marching on

I will say a big Amen to that.

Man U needs to resurrect. Maybe next season.

jditimiya:
Trypa I will stand in as ur campaign manager that if I want me to handle all ur campaign program and make u win like APC. if yes inbox me with ur reply and means of payment. For flow am doing these o.

very much appreciated.

Trypa:
Hmm ok o

But ur vote counts dear n campaign too plzz

Luv u muahh

Dear Trypa,
I will love you to win, but I went to that link you provided and behold i saw so many campaigns but i did not see your's. Wetin dey happen na? You no get campaign manager?.


Dear Readers and Fans of flow1759,
I will love us to make things happen for this my newly found friend. Please! Am on my knees. Please!
I would want someone to volunteer to be her her campaign manager (that is if she don't have one already). I will be the happiest man if she wins. And jokes apart, I declare I will be coming out for Mr Nairaland, I think i have the qualities, Abi how una see am?


Back to you Trypa
Two ways, You either pay by cash or by kind when you win. I will prefer kind.



NA JOKE OH

Holamidhe:
.
Pls don't try that

Why?

I am very Macho oh.

I have added a pack to make it seven packs recently

“Flow now wey your man don win election as president, wetin you go do for all of us na?” Bush shaker asked at GBS one afternoon.


“me? Wetin I go do?” I said.

“yes na? wetin you go do for us na?” Godwin said.

“all of una dey crase oh! Shey Buhari na my Papa?”

“You no go celebrate am?” Fix Something said.

“I go celebrate am na!”

“I wan celebrate am with my birthday, after inauguration!” I said.

“which one be inauguration again?” Junior asked.

“Inauguration na when Inno get Ogo wey be like decoration” Snow explained.

I so much loved Snow's explanation; just that Innocent the younger brother to Utoro was “Ogoless”, His head was as flat as my Nursery black board.

“But Inno no get Ogo na?” A f’oolish Junior asked.





Talk of the devil, then came the devil’s elder brother.

“Utoro doro dey! Good evening sir!” Fix Something hailed.

“eeh! My people! How una dey?”

I know by now you are wondering why Fix Something greeted Utoro as "Sir", Well it is simply because Fix Something at 32, Utoro was old enough to be his father.

Yet he mingled with boys and girls younger enough to be his sons and Daughters.



Daughter! Utoro’s daughter was out of this world.

goddess from up above!

Black berry!

The type Tupac called, “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice, the darker the flesh the deeper the roots”


I will never forget the day I paid Utoro an unwarranted visit just to see his daughter again.

If you see a tattoo in my palm, know it is as a result of what happened the day i visited.


I sat outside admiring the breathtaking beauty of the backside of Nse Utoro’s daughter while she cooked outside.

Whenever she bent down to blow air into the fire, I strained my neck to just get a glimpse of what she wore inside, just a glimpse and nothing more, save Utoro noticed where my eyes were focused and planked my head as he planked Fix something’s on Christmas day because he saw him hugging his daughter in the dark.


The Afang soup she warmed was done and it remained to bring down the pot from the fire.

“Don’t worry Nse, I will help you” I offered, “such a beautiful girl like you shouldn’t be doing that yourself”

I no know who send me message oh.

“use the rag!” She offered me a rag.

“never mind, I carry hot things with bare hands, and they wouldn’t hurt me” I said.

“my hands are made of leather” I teased.

Even leather is burnt when a certain amount of hotness comes in contact with it.

My rather dull brain told me that since it wasn’t some 10 minutes she place the pot on the fire, the pot handle might not be that hot, and since I had been practicing carrying a pot down on bare hands at home whenever I cooked Noodles, I could also do it for Nse who I claimed to crush on.


“don’t hurt yourself!” She warned, “use the rag!”

“never mind! I can do it”


Like my brain contained salt water, I walked to the fire stand, and like an “Ewu Gambia” I stretched out my hand to grab the pot handle.



“wooop!” I thought I saw my hand melted.

As a big boy, I no wan f’uck up, because na Bleep up if say tears comot for my eyes. So I pretended the pot was as cool as ice.


“comot for road!! Comot for road!!” I rushed to where she said I should keep the pot.

“not there! Its here!” She pointed at a place farther.


Like plastic in fire, I saw my hands melted after I dropped the pot.

What a life sef?


“sorry oh! Sorry!” Was all that ended it, she couldn’t even give me a taste of the Afang Soup she warmed, or called me aside and gave me a taste of the Afang soup warming in between her legs. Or better still, offered me both as an award for my f'oolishness.



Utoro had never stopped to sing song of praises that his three daughters are all v’irgins.

I oftentimes told him I was a v’irgin too, that if me and her daughter Nse marries, our Honeymoon will be in V’irgin island, and our first child will be a girl, we will name her V’irginia……… And I think I will take V’iagra that night before having sex with her to add to the Vs.













“una dey hear wetin dey happen for this Nigeria so?” The Information Minister said.

Utoro is our information minister, no gainsaying that. He oftentimes feed us with more wrong information that right ones.


“them wan plan to kill Buhari oh” He said, “Them wan poison am!”

That was like a fire to my spirit.

“you say wetin?” I was by the day becoming a fanatic to the man Buhari.

“who wan poison am?”

“na Jonathan and Obasanjo na”

What combination?

Like pouring a handful of sand into a cup of Ijebu Garri.

“Utoro you dey talk nonsense oh!” Bush shaker said.

No respect to a man old enough to be his father. Well, Utoro caused it all, “when an elder allows little children to play with his s’crotum, he should expect that someday they will demand it for meat” goes an adage.

Na me form that adage wey I just blow so oh. I just form am now-now. Creativity things na!




“I no know why you sabi pass wrong information oh!” Snow said, "where you dey get them this information from sef"

“ne true I dey tell una na, I read am for paper this morning” Utoro said

“na lie abeg!” Bush Shaker said.

“see, I know say I dey sabi give una wrong information, but this one na correct information, I swear!”


My fellow parliamentarians rained abuses on Utoro, but I did not join them because I was sure I might as well be insulting my father in-law to be.

Junior too did not join them. Maybe because Utoro's wife sold groundnut to him for free. Or maybe not.



“Flow! You go follow me go church this evening?” Junior asked

Since I really needed Jesus lately, and since the request came from a first class sinner like Junior, I answered saying “yes!” without thinking.

“na by 5, e go soon start” Junior said, “make we go dey prepare na”

As we walked home to get prepared for church, it instantly dawned on me that Junior is a Jehovah’s Witness, and we were going to a Kingdom hall.


A church I never liked.

[quote author=Holamidhe post=33648092][/quote]Wetin you mean?

I no fine, i no fine, Nahim girls dey fall for me. If you see one girl wey dey fall me now ehn? no worry i go add am for this story.

Do you want me to show my pictures with Six packs and..................................etcetera

Alexgeneration:
. Your name is Cynthia right?

Let's do it for her.

Then for Mr Nairaland anytime that comes up, flow1759 is the man.

I fit win oh!

If you think say I no be fine boy check my profile picture.

Trypa give then the link

No lie will live forever.




Gift had severally lied to me that I was the Sugar in her Tea, the Cockroach in her cupboard, and all what not.

Not until I read a message in her phone.

The message read thus: Honey pie! When will you be coming, today or tomorrow? I am already in my village and making arrangements for you to come and see my parents as planned”.


That message pierced so deep into my heart of heart.



“if I have someone that I want to marry nkor!” Gift yelled, ”what can you do about that?”?

“so that is what you have to say abi?”

“yes! That is what I have to say!” She was shouting, “if 1 O’clock no gree nack, make e comot for road make 2 O'clock nack”




“if 1 O’clock no gree nack, make e comot for road make 2 O'clock nack” So I had all of a sudden turned to 1 O’clock that had refused to clock?


“is it me that you are telling that?” My temper rose.

“yes! I am talking to you!"

"After all i have done for you?" What had i actually done for her? I think i had bought her Suya 200 Naira twice and recharged her phone with 100 three times. That was all.


"You can’t even take care of a Goat not to talk of a girl!” My temper rose higher.

“Are you talking to me?”


“you I’diot!!” I landed her a hot slap.

“What! You slap me?”



“and I will slap you again!” I landed another hotter slap.

Soon, she bent down and was crying, little did I know she was regrouping for counter attack.

She cried River Niger while my ego grew that “I am the man!”

I sat on the bed feeling on top of the world for beating my woman because she wanted to leave my life.



Few minutes of crying.

She stood up, walked towards where I sat and said; “Flow! you slapped me?”

“yes! And I will do that over and over again!” I stood like an Army commander.





“prooooohhh!!” She kicked my egg hard.

And my egg was smashed.

I thought I felt droplets of my unborn children dripped.

“eeeeeaaahhh! My pri………..” I couldn’t complete that before she landed me a hot slap.



“my p’ricccckkkk!!!” I cried.

He pain was excruciating.


“Next time don’t you ever mess with an Enugu girl!”



Guess what? She kicked my b’alls again.


Black out!

I passed out instantly.



In the land of the spiritual, I sat in a bar drinking with my friends and from nowhere Stephnie Okereke bashed my G wagon with her Tundra.

“what is this? You are you blind?” I "tabooned" without seeing the person that bashed.

Don’t look up “tabooned” in the advance English Dictionary because you will not see it.

Ask a typical Yoruba guy around you, because I no get time to come dey explain.

As she walked towards me, i realized who bashed me! Black Monalisa, Stephenie Okereke.


“are you talking to me?” She came closer.

How beautiful!! Black is indeed beautiful.


“Me? How will I be talking to you, am I drunk?” Which I was.

Just her hands on my chest made me forgot my name.


“I think I like you, what is your name?” She said looking at me seductively.


“my name is……. My name is………….” She caressed my chest and went downwards.

“my name………… My name is…………………” She brought her mouth close to mine for a kiss.


I opened my mouth and closed my eyes and I was about kissing, suddenly………….......


“smspalalalaaaash!” Water was poured on my head.



“oh God! Snow and Junior una be bad belle oh!” I shouted, “una be real enemy of progress!”

"now wey i wan do work with one fine babe!!"

“you be Goat oh!” Snow said, “you wey don die wey we bring back to life nahim dey open mouth dey talk about babe!”



Such kind of death!

Vote Trypa for Mrs Nairaland, don't forget!

MannyAgyeiK:
This Nnenna girl, wey thing koraa dey worry am. She wants to get trouble for my Flow. In her boyfriend's car. Aaba!!!!! Oh, but the Barrack boy thing be issue, o. You should have said you're from one town in the SE, maybe, Onitsha or Enugu or your hometown in Imo State. Anyway, keep the story flowing. But you had me laughing anyhow at your 'letter' to Nnenna's boy. Kai, Flow. See how you are describing the guy like he is from a horror movie. OMG.

hahaha! you are funny

Since what Nnenna did to me in her boyfriend’s car, I prevented her like Ebola.

Our paths only crossed at Goldberg whenever we watched football.


So in the evening of 18th April 2015, while we watched match at Goldberg, unfortunately she sat close to me.

“Man U go win this match oh” I announced, “who go put am money?”

“Man U lose oh, put am money, How- much How-much?” Nnenna was in for a bet.

“How Chelsea go win Man U?” I wasn’t sure I said that.


“if you get mind put am money na?” Nnenna brought out 2 one thousand naira notes.

“make we put am 2-2k na? if you know say you be man, bet with me” She challenged me.


There was a 1,000 Naira and a 50 Naira note in my wallet, but that money was for the community.

Community money can best be described as money contributed by the community. A community that made up Flow, Snow and Junior.

We had contributed 350 Naira each for soup to be cooked, and as unfortunate as it sounds, I held the money, and that was the same money I was on the verge of placing as a bet for my Beloved team Manchester United.

“Goerge na you go hold the money!” Nnenna said.

And that was in the Era when I and George were not in talking terms because he said I wasn’t giving him his due respect as a married man.





George had once said I called him “boy” when I said “boy how far!” as a greeting to him. That he wasn’t a boy but a full fleshed man.

No be small thing oh! The thing com cause kata-kata oh! Fight!


“Flow why you call me boy?” He queried, “I be your mate?”

“hahahahahahahaha! guy na greeting na” I replied.

“abeg I no want that kin greeting!”

“wetin dey do you sef, you no go calm down?” I said.

“na who you dey tell calm down? Na who you dey tell calm down?” Before I knew it he stood in front of me eyeballing me and ready for a fight.

“wetin be that? You wan fight am?” Junior said.

“yes! I wan fight am! Why him go call me boy?” George yelled.


Like wild wind, our George pushed me, and like Spiderman I flew and landed in a gutter.

I landed not partially but wholly.

Where I stay in Port Harcourt has this poor drainage that whenever it rained, the road will be flooded, the gutter will be filled and people will walk bare foot unless their shoes where canoe.

I landed in the gutter that contained disgusting water above my waist level.

Soaked with “kpoto-kpoto” from the waist below, I jumped out of the “swimming pool” and landed George a straight punch as a “thank you” massage for making my trouser starched.

He sent a “you are welcome!” massage as a punch to my solar plexus.

I grabbed him the Floyd Mayweather way, while he jabbed my jaw like Manny Pacquiao.

As cool as ice and twice as nice, his punches were cool but not nice to my jaw, as I felt it dislocated.




In pidgin, there is what is called “Gidigbo”. I think it originated from Yoruba language. It literally means Fighting Judo.

I forgot Taekwondo and fought Judo.

I heard my trouser tore, but that was not a problem.

The problem at that juncture was how to get George into the same gutter he sent me to.


I heard uproar from the people that gathered and few came to separate the fight, but I knew none of the few that separated was a GBS parliamentarian even though the fight was in front of GBS.


“Do unto others what you want others to do onto you” The Holy book says, as I tried dragging him into the gutter, I never knew he had the same evil in mind.


Like Nail and Magnet we stuck. Gravity was failing me, then we both fell into the gutter and a great splash occurred.

Landing in the gutter for the second time gave me strength and I sent two straight punches and two upper cut to him, these were not replied initially, later a light punch to my chest was the reply.


It was a cool bath indeed, as I saw blood flowed around.

“my teeth oh!” I heard him cried.

I pitied him and helped him searched for his lost tooth in the pool. Talk of when your opponent suddenly have your interest at heart in the middle of a fight.


“I no see your teeth na!” I said, “but all your teeth complete na” I could see there was no lost tooth, or was that his gimmick to make the fight end?




In the University of Life, there are Graduates and there are undergraduates, George is rather an undergraduate in year one in a State Polytechnic when it came to fight. The same applies to his Aba brother Fix something. As for Bush shaker, not even a WWE wrestler could beat him in a fight. Reason being that his father was the president of National Babalawo Association (NBA), Rumuigbo branch. I can Imagine my Landlord as the Secretary of the association and Padiman as the Treasurer.

What is it with Ikwerre men being Babalawos?


Bush shaker never failed to tell whoever cared to listen that his father was legendary when it came to Babalawo matters, and that whoever has the gusts to fight him should try.

I will never forget the day the pendulum bob swung to Godwin.

That day Godwin will never forget in a hurry. And I too will never ever forget, likewise Junior.


Bush shaker had told Godwin that he wouldn’t pay for the haircut because it wasn’t to his specification, and Godwin being the lover of money he was, refused him leaving without paying, so began the fight.


A “one blow, instant cripple” fight it was indeed.

Just a blow, and I saw Godwin lying on the floor shaking like a Jelly fish in salt water.

It was an ugly sight to behold, so I headed for the door; not me alone, but I and Junior.

We were stopped abruptly by Bush shaker who ran to the door and locked it refusing us exit.

“where una think say una dey go?” His eyes turned brown.

“we….. we…… we….” Junior stammered.

“make una two go sidon!” Before he finished saying that I was already seated.

“if him die, na una two go carry him body!” Bush monster said.

At that point I saw not only a monster in Bush shaker, I saw a vampire too.

“You!!” He pointed at our direction.

“who? him?” I pointed at Junior, who was also pointing at me.

“you Flow!” Bush vampire yelled. At that point I saw his teeth was already growing longer, or was it my eyes?

“go and carry him up, and put him on that chair!”

“who? Me?”

“yes you!!” He shouted.

I “snail walked” to pick up dear Godwin and I wished he wouldn't magnet me and I would be crippled also.

“hurry!” Bush Alien yelled.

I fumbled as I put Godwin on the chair because he was as heavy as a dead body. Was he dead?


As I sat back close to my friend Junior, I was sitting on a wet seat. Our dear Junior had peed on the seat.



Next, Bush vampire after incantation tapped Godwin on his head and he sneezed back to land from the marine world.





Bush shaker threatened to make I and Junior run mad if we ever reveal what happened that afternoon to anyone, I pray I don’t go mad after typing this to you my dear ardent readers. In fact I have prayed so fervently before this update.

I have never feared any friend of mine for Voodoo sake save Man wey dey reason and Bush shaker. With all due respect to Man wey dey raeson, i fear Bush shaker more.

Since that day I have been so morbidly scared of Bush shaker that i couldn't even sit on the same seat with him, and Snow wondered why.











I waited patiently for Manchester United to equalize the goal Hazard nailed in the 38th minute, but to no avail.

George mocked me so much that I felt like crying.

86th minute, and no show.

90th minute and 5 minutes additional time was given.

Then Herrera dived and was given a yellow card.

“e no go better for your papa! Useless player!” I cursed. And the house laughed so hard.

“wetin dey do this Man U sef! So na ordinary Chelsea them no fit win?” Final whistle went.




After the match and Nnenna and George jubilated, I wished I could plead with them to give me back the money that was for Okro soup, that the bet was all a joke.



If wishes were Roses.

Ali1king:
ride on

Hope you are enjoying the ride?

“what is your name?” One of the interviewers asked.

Thank God I had not forgotten my name.

“where do you stay?” Another interviewer asked.

Thank God I still remembered our street name.

“why are you dressed like this for an interview as this?”

“because I just feel like”




After asking me about fifteen questions and I answered perfectly, then came the legendary question that knocked me out.

“where does your parents stay?”

I thought of lying that they stayed here in Port Harcourt, but I thought that could lead to further questions, so I said the truth.

“they stay in Ojo Military Cantonment Lagos”


“so you are a barrack boy?” One of the interviewers asked.

“by the Grace of God Yes I was”

“You was, or you are?”

“I was because I was born there, but I am no longer there!”


“have you been arrested for stealing before?” The rather talkative interviewer on suit asked.

“me?”

“no me!” He said.


“I have not been arrested for stealing, accept when I stole from my mother’s pot and she placed me under house arrest” I said on a lighter note.

The rest two laughed but the guy on suit frowned.


“No barrack boy can work here, they are all bunch of thieves!” My enemy said.

I declared him my enemy owing to the fact that he never laughed at my jokes. Or had our path crossed?



“Pls we are done with you Mr. Barrack boy!” My enemy beckoned that I left.


As I came out of the room, the next guy in line for the interview asked me; “how the thing dey na?”

“e make sense”

“you be barrack boy?” I asked.

“no oh” He replied.

“why you ask na?” He asked a question that I never responded to.






On my way home, what was on my mind was; “shey na crime to be barrack boy?

“abi Barrack boys dey get bad record?"

“but I no get bad record na!”

“abi I for lie say I no be barrack boy?”

“why that guy wey get big head just hate me?”

“abi him know me before?”




“Mr. Man you no go comot for road?” I was lost in my thought and swayed to the main road.

I left the road and continue thinking.

“see now Graceville school talk say after this month I no go dey teach their student Taekwondo again because say them no get money to dey continue to pay”

“how I wan take survive?”

“Snow no dey work, him dey hope say this him movie thing go get head, and na me dey feed am for now”

“how we wan take survive?”

“but I dey pay my tithe for church na”







“Flow!” I heard someone called.

I turned and saw it was Nnenna and her big a’ss.

“aw! Mr. Flow! You look good on suit” She hugged me, and I slowly slipped my hand to touch her a’ss. It was cold.

“you are going home right?”

“yeah, I am”

“come lets go wait in that junction, my boyfriend will come and pick us with his car”

I stood in the bus stop with an erected d’ick and a torn trouser like i was Barney.


“why your trouser tear na?” Nnenna asked.

“no be one nonsense motor wey I enter in the morning go tear am”



“where you dey come from wey you dress like this sef?”

“I go one seminar like that!”






In no time a Volkswagen Bora parked in front of us.

The car was fine, but the owner was ugly.

“Nnenna, why your boyfriend ugly like this na?” I guessed her boyfriend was the guy that drove and not the one that sat by the side of the driver’s seat.

“darling! Hop in!” I was right.


I and Nnenna sat behind while Nnenna formally introduced me to her bobo.




If i were to write Nnenna's Bobo a letter, it would read thus:

Dear Nnenna’s Bobo, Your head is big; far far bigger than mine. Yes I know you own a car, your Nose looks like Nissan Armada. You’ve got broad chest, but your mouth is broader. You speak Queen’s English, but you look to me as someone that have bad breath. And last but not the least, you are as “eyed” as Segun Arinze. Yours Sincerely Flow.




As the AC in the car blew passed my big head, I suddenly realized I was hungry.


“Gala! Come” Nnenna was in the spirit.

“Flow! You care?” She asked.

“which kin question this one dey ask?” I said to myself, “In fact I Cared sef”


It seemed the Gala Nnenna chewed contained some percentage of Alcohol, she acted like she was intoxicated after chewing.


Soon her hand was on my lap, then she caressed. I no complain oh!

I looked at the rear mirror to see if her boyfriend and his friend weren’t watching. They were carried away by the Politics they were discussing.


Next her hand was on top of my “P-man”, then she caressed. I no talk oh!

Next she headed to where my belt was, loosed my belt, and dipped her hands into “darkness”. I no vex oh!

The “stick” was highly erected when she grabbed and stroked.

“Nnenna wetin be this one na?” I could barely find me voice, “if this your boyfriend wey him head big like this catch us and head me with this him big head, I don die be that oh”

I couldn’t just imagine such big head heading my head. Earthquake!







“when two Elephant fights, the ground suffers” They say, but I say “when two big heads head, the car suffers”