₦airaland Forum

Interesting. So, what 'way' have you chosen?

From "Tobacco smoking is dangerous to health" to "Smokers are liable to die young." Yet people never stop destroying themselves and polluting the environment with smoke. Does it have to do with some "Tobacco Demon Possession"? 

Frankly, even if I became the richest man in the world, my wife would still use her degree to have a meaningful contribution to the society. What's all the fuss about a woman staying at home for the rest of her life, burying her talents, certificates etc because she wants to have a happy home? Sonya Carson (mother of Ben and Curtis Carson) was a single mother who worked tirelessly to feed and educate her children. Yet she still had ample time to bring them up to become responsible men. There are several other women like that. You don't have to stay at home all-day long to have good children. You can have a successful career and a successful marriage. It's a matter of being resourceful and being able to set your priorities right.

Which of the men advocating "full-time housewife" role would be happy to send their daughters to school up to Masters level only for her to bury everything in the name of marriage and family life? Can any of these men agree to be full-time househusbands? Was a woman created JUST to bear and rear children, cook and clean a house? If yes, why didn't God just give them mothering abilities without any other skills? Why are women created with the same mental abilities as men?  And why do we even have to send our girls to general schools? I mean we could just create a School of Mothering and Family Life and send all our girls there instead of spending so much money to train them to study a course like Mass Communication only to end up communicating nothing except lullabies and kitchen songs!

A woman could stay at home with her kids in their formative years, but anything after that, count me out!!!

You're getting to an important milestone in your life - FATHERHOOD - and you're still talking of lack of time? If you had enough time to sow, nothing should stop you from inspecting the progress of your seed. So, if you still doubt what your gf says, then FIND the time to take her to a trusted clinic for checkup. The sooner, the better. If it's true, it'll help you to start making proper preparations.

Congrats in advance, Baba Junior

No abortion ooo

That should be the case. Opportunism. I suggest you try, one last time, to have a polite discussion with him. If he responds in his typical irresponsible way, then let him know that you know what he's up to and you're not forcing him to stay in the relationship. It's one thing for someone to be a gold-digger, but it's another for him to be immature about it. If he's got what he wanted and is no more interested in the relationship why not admit it, instead of toying with someone's feelings?

Have a frank talk with him and be ready to take a decisive step if he keeps acting thoughtlessly. You deserve a better treatment.

Ask him to ask her why she doesn't want her husband to know about the "deal" I smell fish

Another way of saying "touche"?

Have a pleasant day, sweetie

First, I do not agree with you that men are more likely to be abusive. Since you seem to appreciate the way things are done in "civilised" countries more than Nigeria, then here's something from there that might interest you. (Transcripts of one of Oprah Winfrey's shows)

Monday's Show: Wives Who Abuse Their Husbands

Different Roles, Same Story

When you hear the term "domestic violence" you're likely to picture a woman, battered and abused at the hands of an angry and unreasonable husband or boyfriend. But that's only one side of this ugly picture. According to the latest studies, 835,000 men are attacked each year by their girlfriends or wives, and the true figure may actually be higher. On Monday, Oprah talked to the men and women who occupy these different roles in the drama of domestic violence.

Take it Like a Man

The stories we heard from abused men are no less horrifying than those told by women. They were kicked, hit, stabbed, pushed down stairs and through plate glass doors. Like their female counterparts, the men often covered up for their wives, lying to doctors and authorities about the true cause of their injuries. As one man said, "I'm supposed to take it like a man." That often means not fighting back, not only because all the men on this show said they were raised not to hit women, but also because many police departments automatically consider the man the aggressor in cases of domestic abuse. Even when the woman is at fault.

The Cycle of Abuse

Likewise, abusive women sound very much like husbands who beat their wives. Lisa said the first time she battered her husband, "I beat the hell out of him… he walked away with bruises. I was so ashamed of myself. It's not that I didn't love him, it's that I didn't know how to react any other way… I know he's not going to do anything." Afterward, they apologize, they make up, and eventually, the cycle begins again.

Shut Up… And Listen

Claudia Dias has counseled abusive men and women for over twenty years. She criticizes the different ways domestic violence against men and women is viewed. "When a man hits a woman, it's abuse and felony. When she does it, it's because she has a bad temper." Claudia describes the cycles of domestic abuse as "a dance… it doesn't matter which gender does which part." The major difference, she says, is that men hit women to "make them shut up" whereas women hit men in order to "make them listen."

Walking on Eggshells

Rick kept his wife's abuse secret for 21 years before finally leaving her. At one point he was forced to defend himself with Mace. When the police were finally called, Rick was the one arrested. "I felt betrayed by the system… by the courts… and by my wife." Today, Rick has temporary custody of his children after his wife, angry because he returned them a few minutes late from a visitation, rammed his car with her vehicle while the children were still in it. Stephanie, their 14-year-old daughter, says her mother would often rage at the children as well, and that life at home was like "walking on eggshells"

Changing Your Children

By witnessing their parents' battles, children grow up believing that a normal family life is one defined by a cycle of fear, violence and tearful apologies. In turn, that begins another cycle, one that passes the legacy violence down from parent to child. As Oprah told Lisa, who believed her children were "very well adjusted" despite the violence they'd witnessed from her, "There's no question that when you argue in front of children, you change their self-esteem… in way that you will never know and they can't tell you." Obviously, both parents can be part of the problem in cases
of domestic violence. And both can also be part of the solution.

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And as for the other point you raised that men are allowed to beat up their wives with no consequences, first, you are merely speculating because you have no credible proofs. Secondly, even if you're right, it means the reverse is also true. Abi how many women in Nigeria have been jailed for hitting their husbands. And does it nullify the fact that it happens everyday?

"Ask any law enforcement officer or legal beagle in a civilized society."


That's one of the most defective yardstick anyone could consider in determining incidence of abuse among couples. Most women are natural talkers, and when they do they want you to empathise with them. How many men report spousal abuse to law enforcement agencies? How many were not disbelieved and humiliated?

In Nigeria, the tendency is to automatically heap all the blame on the woman and exonerate the man

What proof(s) do you have to validate this?

In countries where the law protects the already overprotected male rather than the female a lot goes on which never sees the light of day talkless get prosecuted

Countries like? And let's assume you're right. In countries where the reverse happens, is it not the same result you get? Women capitalising on the provisions of the law to perpetrate evil?

Finally, I have no "interests" to protect. Only insecure people blabber about victimisation. A woman rightly said, "no one can regard you as inferior without your consent." So, I don't see myself as an underdog or an endangered species. All I'm saying is both men and women are prone to spousal abuse, one way or the other. And what we all should be advocating is mutual love and respect, not selfish interests.

You're really complicating issues, dear. Why are you being so biased instead of being balanced in your analysis of issues? Which is more rational - to suggest that men and women respect each other or to opine that men respect women? You keep portraying men as devils and women as angels. Is that objective enough? Every rational person knows that there are beastly men and there are bitchy women. And the ratio is 50:50. Nothing will work until we admit this fact and approach the anomalies in our relationships in an OBJECTIVE way. I repeat: men and women must learn to give each other due respect! If you lack it, don't expect it!

" No smoke without fire. Dont push a normal woman into destroy mode."


I wonder why people still keep looking at this issue from a subjective perspective. Let's push sentiments and political correctness aside. Same should apply to both parties. Don't push a normal woman or man into destroy mode. Simple

Well, Berit, from your latest information, I think there might be another angle to the the story. Could this man have used you to get some special privileges that wouldn't have accrued to him, if he was not married to a German? Do you suspect any such thing?

Berit, despite all that's happening, do you still love your man? If yes, there is hope. If no, then forget it. Nothing will work if love is lost. NOTHING. Even if someone tells you practical principles that would help revive your relationship, it's the love you have for the man and the relationship that'll help you to doggedly apply the principles until the result is achieved. Where there is no will, there can be no way.

And this friend of yours, he seems dubious to me. He should be helping to rebuild your marriage instead of capitalising on the crisis to worm his way into your heart. He is a serious distraction that will definitely hamper any improvement you wish to see in your relationship with your husband. Well, that is if you really want any improvement because from the look of things, your heart is now with the intruder.

Falling "deeply" in love with one man when you're married to another will not help the crisis rocking your marriage. Whatever advice anyone gives you now will not do much good as you've already made a major decision for yourself - allowing another man into your heart. But bear this in mind, the devil you know is better than the angel you don't know. When you first met the man you're married to, wasn't he as loving and caring as your new man? So what happens if your new man changes too? Will you fall in love with another man?

Instead of taking such step why not take time to consider the factors that could have made your man change so soon. Be sincere. Look inwards. Look around. Did he ever complain to you about anything? Have you done everything you can to make the home conducive and yourself irresistible to him?

I can't imagine how any right thinking man or woman would say a woman can do ANYTHING to a man without getting something in return. I don't support violence in any anyway but I think it's more sensible to say men and women must respect each others' feelings. This is one secret that many individuals and human rights groups are yet to realise. Domestic violence persists - even in countries where there are stringent laws against it - because we're tackling it lopsidedly. It takes two to tango. You can't keep giving a woman the impression that she's free to do anything to her husband (after all, he can't do anything to her) and expect that peace will reign in homes. It's sheer lunatic fantasy. As we talk to the men, let's talk to the women. As you train your boys to respect girls/women, train your girls that respect is reciprocal! Let me make this very clear. Until we are balanced in our approach to relationship conflicts, domestic violence will continue - either from women to men or men to women.

Every rational person knows that the success or failure of a partnership depends on the efforts of the people involved. Marriage is a form of partnership and both partners have their roles in making it blissful or sorrowful. Unfortunately, when a woman tells stories of her husband’s ill treatments, no one bothers to find out the other side of the story. I’ve never fought with a woman and I do not support wife-beaters in any way but I’m sure most of the cases of wife battery we’ve heard of would have been averted if the victims had been more tactful and prudent in their relationship with their husbands. Those who campaign against domestic violence always come up with the typical story of a dutiful, gentle and responsible woman who happens to be unfortunate enough to marry a brutal husband. But the question is, is this always the true picture? Do these people know that some of these “abusive” husbands are men who early in life had sworn never to bark at a woman let alone fighting her? Do they realise that it is possible for a bitchy woman to frustrate a gentleman, so much that he becomes provoked and defensive?

Once again, I’m not advocating or justifying violence in any way but I think marriages will fare better if we preach mutual respect instead of increasing punitive laws for potential offenders. The irrationality of the one-sided method will be better understood with this illustration. Imagine two people fighting – one stronger and wielding a hatchet; the other weaker and wielding a table knife. Sentiment and pity demand that the stronger one is subdued and blamed; but logic demands that while the stronger one is subdued, the seemingly weaker one is also restrained from using the knife to inflict provocative injuries. What sense does it make when the stronger is subdued and the weaker is left uncontrolled?

This is where most people miss it today and this is a major reason why violence persists in families. What do you expect when you give a woman the impression that the law gags and forbids her husband from hurting her but does nothing to restrain her from hurting him? Shouldn’t we be more balanced in our approach? Or are we blindly assuming that the “weaker sex” is too innocent to inflict harm? Shouldn’t we counsel the women on controlling their temper and tongue even as we forbid the men from being aggressive?

   
When sob stories of husbands’ aggression are told, the women involved carefully do it in such a way that they exonerate themselves of any blame and instead try to get sympathy and empathy. That is where the stories often end and that is where the activists pick it up from. No one hears the other side of the story where the husband did everything possible to avoid violence but the woman would not relent in wounding his emotions and challenging him to a duel. No one bothers about the husband who tried to escape from the house to avoid a confrontation but whose troublesome wife grabbed the shirt and told him to be ready for battle if her demands (even if unreasonable) are not met.

Now, the bombshell. Sentimentalists would not like to hear this but it happens. There are women who inflict injuries on themselves to cover up their own misdeeds. I wouldn’t be saying this if I had no proof. Recently, a girl was forced to expose the evil deeds of her mother to the police when she could no longer bear the injustice being meted out to her innocent father. The woman was loud and lousy; she was aggressive and abusive but nobody knew except the man who was the victim and their teenage daughter. Each time they had an argument, the woman would hurl all sorts of dangerous objects at the man, kick him and end up boasting that if he dared touch her, she would injure herself and call the police. Scared and seeming incapacitated, the man continued to bear the agony until one day, when he was forced to retaliate. There was a fight between the two but the man was careful not to injure her. Feeling subdued and humiliated, the woman slashed her wrist with a knife and thereafter called the police. The man’s explanations fell on deaf ears and he was jailed for wife-battery. But the young daughter who had witnessed the whole incident had to call the police secretly and told them the truth.

Now, what would have happened if the girl was not present? Of course the innocent man would be suffering behind bars while the guilty woman would be enjoying superfluous attention, care and sympathy from the public.

Even in the case of irresponsible husbands, I think teaching women to use the right approach in dealing with these men will be more effective than encouraging them (the women) to be saucy and confrontational. For heaven’s sake, a man who is already drunk is in an abnormal, semi-beastly state. What sensible woman would confront him at such a time with taunts and insults and expect peaceful dialogue? Yet this is what some women do and later claim to have been abused. Discretion will help solve many family problems!
Many people advocate stricter punishments for perpetrators of domestic violence. This is good, but how far can it help? In countries where severe laws are being enforced, has the situation really improved? We might say yes but has it brought the expected solution - with the alarming rate of divorce, frustrated husbands committing suicides and marriages becoming a concentration camp for some and a lucrative business for others?
What then? Should the laws against domestic violence be abrogated? Should campaigners stop their agitations? Should men beat up their wives because they are provoked? Not at all. Let the laws remain but let them apply to both the men and the women. Let the campaigners continue but let them be more balanced and realistic in their approach. Let the men and the women be more respectful, discreet, temperate, thoughtful and considerate in their relationships. Let the society have a better understanding of the reasons, ramifications and remedies of domestic violence. Let cases of domestic violence be thoroughly investigated without sentiments or bias. This way, incidences of domestic violence will be minimized and the few remaining brutes can be taught valuable lessons behind bars!