₦airaland Forum

Yaradua just want the list so he know how much he can steal based on what his predecessor have done before. I think, he going to try and place him self between Gen Useni and Dan Etete. I hope the EFCC has internet so they can see this on Nairaland.

Thor:
If you can not speak English then fine, but the rule of Nairaland is to write in English. Why not learn to speak and write English properly then come back again when you are educated 

brainless, dazed, deficient, dense, dim, dodo, doltish, dopy, dotterel, dull, dumb, dummy, foolish, futile, gullible, half-baked, half-witted, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, irresponsible, laughable, loser, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, obtuse, pointless, puerile, rash, senseless, short-sighted, simple, simple-minded, slow, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, thick, thickheaded, trivial, unintelligent, unthinking, witless


Why call you all these names in English, when I could have sumarised it with one word in pigeon

MUGU

Thor:
Why don't you try writing that rubbish again, this time in English

The lady pastor you are talking about is nothing but a greedy money hungry bitch using God to open peoples pockets for her own profit

IDIOT because you have managed to win visa lottery to visit London, you now feel you are in a position to question my native broken English. Is it my fault that in your bid to worship the west and the white man, you have forgotten simple English. SELL OUT. Abeg my people make we visit this boy for nite sef. See mu-mu whey wan come try correct my beautiful pigeon English. Na ya type?

A beg! e don do. Me sef I don tire. I don chop bellefull. Any body, hey wait who b dat wey dey read my post at this late hour. Yes you, no look back, cus na u I dey talk to. Chei see as you body fine no be small. Okay I turn you to bonga finsh. No e don pass "Sorry",  Blood of wetin? Na lie come here make I chop your big yansh. UMM so scrumptious and delicious, I bin try warn you. but e b like say englis dey hard una. So there for, bonga finsh.  Abeg my brethren come help me chop this one ohh. I no fit fininsh am myself, the yansh alone fit end "third world hunger"

This thread is offically over.

You could rob a bank.

Come c me c wahala. Una dey take fire play. No worries. Any way, which one b my own sef! At least tonite more fish pepersoup for me and my brethrens. Abeg no vex sista, but na your yansh I go chop first.

Dude how come I'm still standing? Try it again! this time may be I help you. Oya lets do it together 1, 2, 3

The Blood of Jesus
The Blood of Jesus
The Blood of Jesus

Dude this shit didn't work, We must pay you visit tonite at 3.am. May it will work then.

ibkaye:
I cover myself with the Blood of Jesus, all weapons fashioned and formed against me shall not prosper

I can just see you on that plate right next to the short cute Bonga fish yummy, but instead of the blood of Jesus you shall be coverd in some tomato ketchup.

Here is the picture of some poor unfurtunate's that I have turned to Bonga fish. I will bring them to the meeting to nite for our immideate consumptions. The one in the middle kept on running his mouth about some "HOLY GHOST FIRE and his pastors name" Not knowing his pastor will be there tonite to chop him.

This is a meeting place for us witches and wizards. All you imposters please, as a word of warning thread carefully. Because we can be joking with you now but come 3am when we show up in your bedroom we wont be joking then. Curiousity kills the cat, but in your own case, not only will it kill you, it will also turn you to Bonga Fish. I HAVE SPOKEN! (consider your self warned)

eboweme:
All you witches am wizards remember the word of God says we should not suffer a witch to live.So beware of how you advertise yourselves. It is written upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire, brimstones & horrible tempest. This is the portion of their cup. The word of God is true and changeth not. REPENT B4 YOU ARE DOOMED.

I don tire to dey  turn these people to Bonga Fish. Can any one volunteer.

Kasala don blow for winch land. com see fowl yansh. A few Nigerian winches have been accused of embezzling blood from the International blood Bank. When confronted this winches claimed that the blood was used in the research for synthetic blood. This winches were also accused of using spell to lure young women back to their home for personal pleasure (A serious offences in the winch world. why used them for personal pleasure when you can just chop them) Any way I will keep you informed as the scandal brews. If found guitly, the punisment will be permanent banisment and tranformation to either Goat, Pig, or Bonga fish.

To all those who just passed the initiation i say congratulations!! Please tell us how your new flying carpets are treating you. I especially want to no about the gps and the speed. A new winch said he traveled from Lagos to Austria in less than 15mins on the new carpet.

Not bad.

elchux:
cheeee na so winch men take enta nairaland be dis, no wahala i no una medicine make i go prepare com back

In the mean while, when @elchux was busy heading home to go prepare his infamous medicine. Little did he know, that Some winch men on NL had  been notified of his dubious and  sinister plot on the peacfull witches of NL and had flown to his home to await him. This is the ensuing dialog

@elchux:  Chei na who be this for my bedroom at 3am? (Whimpering, and crying like a little bitch)
@NL Witches: Na you peeps for NL just paying you visit. We heard that you were going to prepare medicine to destroy us
@elchux: Medi kini? me say what? I swear i did not say anything like that u can ask my grandmother upstairs. I dont even know where Naira land is, is it a place in lagos? Please don't eat me or turn me to bonga fish. I swear i cant even type on the computer. (crying and pissing on himself)
@NL Witches: Okay okay please stop embarassing your self we will give u a second chance. but if you misbehave we will be back. (Even though they knew he would be back the next day to run his mouth on NL)

At this point the withces all hoped onto their brand new lunar2000 flying carpet and flew out the window.

No they dont the tears are only put on by special effects.

No!! Actors don't cry. They just eat plenty of onions before the scene, sometimes they just put pepper in their eye. You should try is somtime. You'll be amazed how emotional you can get with plenty of pepper in your eye.

bindex:
Kamba to all the witches and wizrads in the house, I visited the coven here in Brussels yesterday, ohhh what a lovely experience. Come and see all the powers on display(walking through walls, walking on oceans and sea, long distance communication through the mirror, everything.) I was highly impressed. I never knew that oyinbo had witches and wizards too . The initiation process was quite grueling but I survived it. Some chants here and there, little dance here and there and some things that I am not allowed to speak about on a public forum. If I survive the remaining process I will be admitted into the coven on sunday night. hilli666 I will give you a special invitation to be a part of the show on my initiation night. The boss himself is going to present me with the flying mat. I will keep you posted as to how the whole thing is unfolding. I hope I make it, I need that flying mat. Ohh my flying mat.

Yes this is good news. And I will say some special incantations for you so the rest of your initiation process is not so gruellinig. After which I will b looking forward to meeting you in one of our numerous meetings. I have sent word to the "Grand Vizar" about you. I am so excited about your new flying mat/carpet. Make sure you get the one that come with the heated floors, blueray player, gps and elaborate embroidery as these are all essential during those long flight.

We must all, as patriotic citizens of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and in the interest of our sovereignty and National security, Fully comprehend without any measure of doubt, the detrimental significance of such Terrorist organisations such as MEND and the role it plays in the destabilisation of the country. Such an organisation is Detrimental to Economic growth,  Detrimental to Global stability, Detrimental to National safety and security, Detrimental to the reconciliation process in the Delta region, and Detrimental to the political process (even thought non existent). We "CAN NOT", "WILL NOT", and "SHOULD NOT" condone the propagation and promulgation of the guerrilla ideology in the Nigerian political process.

Nezan:
I vote for this thread to be locked

We are in Nigeria, we don't vote. We either rig elections or take power by force. None of which you can do here. My advice to you is "Sharrap ya mouth" Before I turn u to bonga fish.

Yes my people last night was very intersting. On my Journey to the water world (To discuss the current  abismal state of affairs in the Witch world
) I ran into one of our own very prominent  withces here on NL. I believe the portal to the water world is in Elekon beach. As we stood there waiting for the portal to open we started discussing various affairs. To my suprise, She mentioned that the Japaneses witches have finally fixed the flaws to the infamous love potion. (If you recall one of the Many side effects to the love potion is the inabilty to controll the love effect itself. Once taken people keep on loving even after you have gotten what u want from them which altimately leads to their untimely termination) But now, with the new and improved version. (which is a carefull balance between two new ingredients) You can administer the potion in small doses. Now you can decide how much love the person feels for you, when you want the person to fall for you, and when you are done you can just say a small incantation and the person will wake up not knowing what hit them. This is good news! so spread the word to your local "Baba Alawos" This new product is not cheap since it is new.

As for the lunar2000 flying carpet, as soon as the DFWA (Department for flying witch apratus) gives it a safty rating, it would hit the market. Last year we saw a rise is flying related accidents (especially with the flying broom) Witches just simply fell off in mid flight. Though some were fortunate enough to turn into a bird before they fell to their demise.  The others who had not mastered the shape shifting spell, plumited to thier death (what a tragedy)

My audience with the head Mami water was delayed, but when I finally had the chance to sit with her, the mood was albeit somber. With a deep melancholic coutenance about her she proceeded to mention what was on her mind. She is highly dissapointed with the way human are ignoring the affect of global warming. She complained bitterly about the rise in water level (which she admited will be to their advantage ) but most importantly the pollution of the water and the death or the coral reefs. She would like us to volunteer two prominet witches and wizards that will embark on a secreet mission. Since th mission is secret I canot say but if you are interested just let me know.

P.S this mission is verry dangerous. and only levelv 5 and above can volunteer.

platinumnk:
chai!! where can i order a magic carpet??!!!!!

It saves gas right?!

Not only does it save gas, it is also enviromentally friendly. We wizard are trying to do our part to stop pollution. At the last meeting (for all those who failed to attend There was a unanymous vote to cease travel with any other form but the lunar2000 effective January of 2010. Some of the flying aparatus that were banned include
A) The flying broom (To much carbon emitions)
B) The flying Mattress (Highly Unsanitary)
c) The flying shaving stick (For hygene reason)
d )The flying comb

At this meeting, animal rights witches also argued against flying with animal e.g pigeon, owl, and other exotic bird. But failed the get the votes neede to pass a ban. So you can still attend meeting with you beloved birds

Thank you

platinumnk:
i know But seriously I would thing to be feared. I have a taste for vengance at times, and Im not afraid to show it.  

If I had powers I would show them something, but then again, those powers are undeveolped. Because I can sense things highly. Some ppl have called me physic (sp??) before. Maybe . . . I have seen things in my future (light flashbulbs) and i wont understand what it is until they come to pass. Maybe my talent is way underdevloped , and it should be, because if i get ahold of some real knowledge. . . . .  some ppl better stay indoors.

We have alway known you have specialy powers. That why we are keeping a close eye on you. When the time come to fufill your destiny. We will call on you. But for now have patience. Yes you are a very powerfull person and you are begining to figure it out. Just as planed

The pilot and test phase of the new and improve fly carpet the Lunar2000. I know we are all waiting patiently for this new device. It will revolutionarise the travel industry for whiches and wizards. The first bacth will be rolled out in November. So please get your oder in. ASAP.

Naturez:
Abeg make una give me the addy to una meeting place, I wan send some of my friends come from middle east. (Hope una know what that means)? They go come BOMB BLAST una heads comot.

For a true test of power why dont you provide us with your addy, then you can tell all of your friends that we are coming. Then we will see who prevails. Dont worry all we want to do is sit down and talk with your friends. lol

Please all wizards and Witches in this forum. Can we all agree that if synthetic blood is found economically viable we will all make the switch? I know the Papytus nectar is very rare, and the closest thing to it is human blood. But as per request from village elders this practise of substituting papytus with human blood has cost them alot and they would like it to cease with immediate effect. If we do this, the will stop cutting down our rare and prestigious meeting trees, especially the Grand Iroko tree. Please all those in favor say yes of neigh.


As for those imposter that think this is a joke. dont worry we go visit them soon enought. (with their fake holy water from aba market)

I Hilli666, once a stalwart acolyte of the instituion called Nigeria, must now sadly denoucne all constitutianal ties and renounce all responsibility as a citizen. I do so with the most reverd and deepend sadness in my heart. But I, can not in the blind interest of patriotsm Ignore my moral and ethical reponsibilty to myself, and my family. I am now officially claiming to be an American and or British citizen till futher notice. I am deeplpy sadend and trouble by the current state of affairs in what was once my home coutry called Nigeria.

On second thought, "NAIJA 4 LIFE"  no shaking. with or without OBAMA

bindex:
I won't mind the flying carpet, How can I get one? Which coven do I have to join?

Well It all depends on you location. Here in Nigeria we tend to hold full moon initiations, but in Belgium where u are, I believe the cycle is for the crescent moon. If you are really serious of Join then you should go to you local center for ancients druids and consult with them. Contrary to popular believe the initiation rituals for wizard is more of test of will and emcopases severe fasting. While uttering certain incantations and chants. On the last day of the fast (which has been meticulously calculated for optimum effect) You body will be so deprived of food and water that it will start to tinker on the precipice of ALYSUIM. This is what many people refer to as near death experience of NDE. The only different is that at this point you spirit guide accompanied by one of us will be there to meet you with a bowl of papytus. (red substance squeezed from a rare plant that grows only in the Himalayan mountains, and only blooms once every 10years) this substance take on the characteristic of blood both in texture and in consistency and is one of the main reason people think witches and wizards drink blood (ironic isn't it?) After u consume the papytus you will now have the ability to evoke this experience without fasting.

I believe I have said enough, the rest is up to you. it is hard work but hopefully I will see u there some day.

My broda, flying brooms can niether be given nor bought. Rather it is earned as you progress through the ranks. Its purpose is not so you can save money on flights and should not be used as a subsitute for conventianal means of transportation. Alternatively there are other options that can be bought. e.g the flying chewing stick or the flying comb there is also the flying mattress (which is combersome in my opinion and the milage per cup of blood sucks, to get to ethiopia on one of these things will cost you a whole village worth of blood) I hear the Arabians are working on a new flying carpet That dosnt require blood at all but instead relies on lunar energy to power it. The down side is it can only be charge during a full moon.

For all those still interested, Here is the agenda for the next meeting. Which shall be held in Ethiopia.

A.) New forms of shape shifting made easy. (Ours broda in India who taught of how to shape shift to snake have done it again. This time they will be teaching how to shape shift into a Tiger and Cray fish. This is one of the more difficult one.
B.) Astral traveling to the new Dubai realm ( Yes it seems the witches and wizard of Dubai have built a luxurious resort in the astral realms. As usual us Nigerian Wizard are having a hard time securing visiting permits to it. So for all those who are interested please sit in for this seminar.
C.) Protecting our endangered mythical animals (reports from our mami water friends in Scotland claim the poor health conditions of the Loch Ness monster is cause for concern. As this animal is how they draw strength from the nether planes. So please people pay attention. other creature in questin are, the Yeti or snow man (guardian of the white mountains) Big foot, and our fateful black cat (the original one)
D.) The new blood (This topic covers the need to examine if we still need fresh human blood, or if we can safely switch to lab generated synthetic blood. speaking at this meeting is a world renowned wizard and scientist.
E.) The effect A Global econmic recession on witchery and wizadry. (Yes we are all feeling the pinch of the recession. so please prepare your questions for the speaker)
F.) Complaints from local with doctors "their charms need more power" We have failed to provides witch doctor with charm that have enough power.

This is all for now Ill update you as I find out more. Pleas the Night flight to Ethiopia is long so start charging your brooms or other flying apparatus a few days in advance.

See all of Una. Na only to drink blood and give children sweet biscuit na im una sabi. Us the real wizards day try work on our mumu president, instead of una to join make we kpai the guy QUICK QUICK and all in political cohorts wey follow am dey chop our money una sidon dey yab unasef. Una miss the real meeting last full moon. u cant pretend u didn't get the invite. because the owl was at your bed post. There were many in attendace from round the world, especially our voodoo brodas from the republic of Benin. But I didn't c one person from NL. For the firs time even pastors and baba alawos came to show their support on this most severe issue (our mumu president) and im friends. But our mumu presidnet might not be so mumu after all. because he has solicited the help of a very powerfull Arabian wizard to protect him. I even dread to mention his name less i immediately turn to cockroach. But together we can defeat him and once and for all kpai our mumu president.

My guy, abeg don't let anyone distract you from you dreams of becoming a chewing gum sales man. I heard the business is booming in Northern Nigeria. Just go and build a small sales stall, and buy cheap chewing gum for sale. you could be the next Richard Branson.