₦airaland Forum

brokoto: its Eclampsia. Shekkirout babey! Google is our friend. I never still read the update o.

I give up

Uniquexty: Nairaland has great writers. HBG, nice work.

thanks a mill....and I am sorry for bashing you like that. The shoe hurts the owner.[quote author=Mazi_Omenuko]Huuh... Never mind. I've got my hand-held device.[/quote]ok

Oahray: hmmm... Ok o.

fixed some...I tried.

Sorry I snapped @ you

Oahray: Hmm... HBG, great job you did there. You were very detailed... More detailed than I can ever be. Tied up lots of lose ends. Impressive. However...

(1) I feel the image you painted of Victor Obatola kinda lives up to hype expectation of HIM (kudos), but it's not consistent with the detail you added about him replacing the late Mr Ibe the 'regional policeman', Lucan's boss. A policeman does not cut the big bad boss image for me, unless he's the IG. I feel that replacement part is better off not included.

(2) You changed Sharon's last name from Ojemen to Johnson.

(3) A nine month pregnancy cannot be flat.

(4) Your image of Bamo as a killer out on a revenge mission is not in sync with the image of the limping man as a professional assassin sent to do the bidding of HIM. From your piece you have already implied that they are the same person.

(5) Eclampsia (not Eclimpsia) does not just manifest suddenly the way it did in Enike's case. There are unmistakeable pre-eclampsia symptoms which can help one avoid eclampsia. Most times, the blindness comes after resuscitation from a seizure-birthed coma in an eclampsia patient, not before.

(6) The guy who got Enike pregnant seemed young and incapable of transforming into Chief Koko after 13 years.

(7) The part about Ayodele, Tracy and Bamo being siblings did not do it for me, especially the part where Ayodele was killed for knowing amongst other things, that Tracy is his sister. It raises a question as to when he knew, before or after he killed her? Also, did Bamo know that he murdered his own half brother? Was that part of the revenge mission he was on?

(8.) The unveiling of the identity of a character to the readers ought not to have any direct effect on the character's routine actions. For example, it's surprising that HIM suddenly updates and writes his full name, just because the readers now know who he is. Why would he do that?

Nice job HBG. A bit confusing though, but I love the new twist you introduced.

Sharon's surname? I looked it up and didn't find it....Eclipmsia...geez I know what m talking about. Been there! And the flat tummy also, been there!

NDC teashures association!

Ogas!

Will edit my stuff later today, gotta run.

Ishilove: There's something very sweet about Sharon and David's relationship. HBG kept it clean. Good thing Mazi did not handle the scene HBG painted, otherwise we would have been subjected to some gangster . . .

I wish I were more romantic...

I wish I could be as descriptive as you are.

Ishilove: You're welcome, dear.

@all. I made my critique from the POV of a reader. Let us endeavour to give details as clearly as possible because we paint stories with words and leaving too many gaps in our work will leave the reader unsatisfied. The reader, most times, will not be able to get a hold of the writer to explain some details in the work to him, so it is left for the writer to make himself as clear as possible.

yes ma'am

Ishilove: Very interesting HBG. You gave 'Him' a human face and he fits more in the mould of a super villain than JayB, and like Larry has pointed out, you have also introduced a new villain. I wonder where other writers will place 'The Limping Man' . Very nice. 

My observations:

"Enike stood infront of her floor to ceiling wall mirror, her stomach ever so flat which went quite well with her thin body frame. But the flat tummy didn't make her happy, she was after all nine months pregnant."-A woman can't be nine months pregnant and have a flat tummy. NEVER. Consider revising.

they can, I have seen it happen.

Ishilove: "For a twenty three year old beau like her, it was hard to get boys off her back and the guy was no exception." - If I'm not mistaken, 'beau' means 'boyfriend'. Consider revising.

been used as beautiful but will edit that

You need to be consistent with names, I see 'Enika and Obosola' in some places, then 'Enike and Obasola' in others. However since these are Nigerian names you are not familiar with, I guess we can overlook them. 

Ishilove: "At last she found her voice" - Why? When we use sentences this way, it is usually because the character has been in a flabbergasting or shocking situation that has robbed the character of speech.

Why did Cathy mummur a weak thank you?

What was it threw her off so that she lost her voice and later 'found it'? Consider revising.

"Cathy was watching his lips
move and listening to the sound from his
chest." - How? Sounds are often heard in our chest when there is a problem with our lungs, or breathing. If this is the case, the breaths come out as wheezes, which are audible to the ears. The only sound that can be heard in our chest is the heartbeat which is not audible to the human ear. Consider revising.

right....I was thinking of something and I described it as it had happened. Learning...will look into it.

Ishilove: "I have settled Koko's score, he was
murdered by his sons, the other plotting while the other roasted him...". -This directly clashes with the storyline. In chapter 8, following Madam K's train of thoughts, we get to the point where she muses that Koko was killed because of his greed. She warned him about the consequences of crossing HIM, but his greed did not allow him listen and he paid for it. So Koko's sons could not have been the killers since HIM's deputy has pointed to the contrary. Consider revising.

Madam K, had talked to Koko and what's not but Him also had scores to settle with Koko, he might have not told her the whole story about why he hated Koko. I just found it fit...it can be edited. And Koko's sons are Ayodele and the Bamo guy...I have given the limping guy that Bamo character. Since Redmoss said Koko had kids all over Nigeria, I just connected the dots...Madam K had looked for them kids and got them involved into the murder case without them knowing that Koko was their father.

Ishilove: "He had so many times wondered how the man does it. He had provided for her but she still ran after him. Serves them both right that she had died but he had felt pity and resentment for little Enike who didn't understand anything." - I don't understand this paragraph. Who ran after Koko? Which Enike is being referred to here? How is Koko connected to Enike? Victor Mobo's late daughter was also named Enike so I find this paragraph confusing.

I introduced Enike, she had only a father...who is 'Him' her mother was never mentioned. The 'her' I am reffering to is Victor's dead wife. She left Enike who was too young to understand.

Ishilove: Victor Mobo Obasola is the mysterious HIM, so why does he drop quotes with his real name?

I did that? Shirt! Will correct it sorry guys

Ishilove: If Ayodele knew Tracy was his half-sister, why did he go ahead to kill her? Wouldn't he have tried to establish some link or contact? And besides, in Tracy's and Lucan's apartment, we are given the impression that he and Tracy were strangers to each other. Or did he come into the information AFTER he had murdered her?

He was killed because of that too much info, Madam K, got rid of him because he was a threat

Ishilove: There are also some typos here and there but they are minor. Good job

Madam Ishi herself.

Thanks ma'am

[quote author=Foxy_Ultimate]O my God... I'm in a really big trouble....

Nice work my female self

You blew my mind away o

I just recommended you to James Hadley Chase [/quote]*skips happily around the room*

Thank you twiny

@Bigsholly...I love thee

Oahray: Em... HBG, you kinda lost me there. Maybe it's cause I read it on the move. Would re-read later and have my say.

I took the extract of my new chapters from Redmosquito's chapter. There was a loose end there and I saw the opportunity.

Oahray: You turned David and Sharon to lovers? These romance babes sef

My expertise lies here

[quote author=Larry-Sun]I must really commend her efforts. She revealed a lot of truths we would never have guessed.

One villain was out (Ayodele) and she introduced another (Kamo). Just when we thought we've almost figured out all the bad guys, HBG tossed us another wonderful surprise.

Except for the errors (typographical and syntax), the chapter stands its worth.

It appears as though HBG knows more about Lagos than I do; look at the description of Ikoyi in the first paragraph, so poetic.

Every writer, I mean every, is doing a great job. Each chapter provides fresh knowledge and ideas.

GREAT NAIRALAND WRITERS! [/quote]My first teasure haff spoken....my soul is delighted. Thank you sir