Humanoid01:
Lol. So in essence, you're saying you want to give up a legit work you spent periods learning, for an illegit "work" because of a few myopic leeches who rejected your offer to date them? Or is this some kind of joke? Anyway, sorry in advance.

This is clearly one of those suspected accounts that are created to drive traffic on NL with silly fake stories. This same person responded to a thread of a woman (possibly another fake thread) who complained of a lecturer who was not committing due to numerous chics he had. He responded saying he was the one and he couldn't marry her cos she was this and that. Today he's a tailor whose girlfriend wants to leave him for yahoo boy. NL sef, allow front page for real people with real issue not your cooked stories.

This is the thread for reference...
https://www.nairaland.com/5724496/like-said-she-lying-not

Ariza:
With your comportment and acts on NL, no sensible being deserves to be with you.

This is clearly one of those suspected accounts that are created to drive traffic on NL with silly fake stories. This same person responded to a thread of a woman (possibly another fake thread) who complained of a lecturer who was not committing due to numerous chics he had. He responded saying he was the one and he couldn't marry her cos she was this and that. Today he's a tailor whose girlfriend wants to leave him for yahoo boy. NL sef, allow front page for real people with real issue not your cooked stories.

This is the thread for reference...
https://www.nairaland.com/5724496/like-said-she-lying-not

Ariza:
With your comportment and acts on NL, no sensible being deserves to be with you.

This is clearly one of those suspected accounts that are created to drive traffic on NL with silly fake stories. This same person responded to a thread of a woman (possibly another fake thread) who complained of a lecturer who was not committing due to numerous chics he had. He responded saying he was the one and he couldn't marry her cos she was this and that. Today he's a tailor whose girlfriend wants to leave him for yahoo boy. NL sef, allow front page for real people with real issue not your cooked stories.

Squirrel01:

as for sex, sex is bullshit, you enjoyed it, the other partner enjoyed it too, so what's with the he used me and dumped me, for that, it's total lockup till marriage, see sex cannot keep a man, Emotional maturity will. physical beauty fades away. what stand the test of time is who you are and what defines you as a woman(character and compatibility)

Lol! What would pity from strangers afford me?

I won't say much but I'll say this. When that relationship ended I blamed myself for it. I kept recounting how I was the person who caused the breakup cos I felt I made a mistake by not doing everything he was asking me to do.
It was friends, family and my counsellor who resetted my brain by showing me how even if i had bent over backwards it wouldn't have been enough to please this person. Coincidentally I was manipulated to think I was the issue so much that he asked me to ask my exes so I could be sure that I was truly the problem. That was my saving point, all 3 of them were blatantly honest and said I was none of the things my ex painted me to be. They outlined my faults but it was what made me human. I dated a narcissist and if you looked up such relationships you'll understand how toxic such people are, they use people.

I'm still in touch with my exes, so I've never carried a chip on shoulder nor recited the 'he used and dumped me' mantra, the dynamics of this was different. So don't come at me cos i feel bad that someone would stay in a relationship only for what he was getting from me, thinking about it is sickening.

About character, you don't know me but everyone around me who knew that guy couldn't speak up until it ended and most of what they had to say was how they felt I was too good for him and deserved better. He dropped too many red flags, even his own family and friends kept dropping hints for me to leave their own person but being stupidly blinded by love i didn't listen.

If your grouse is that i blamed the guy that things ended, don't be pained, I took responsibility for my part in how things ended and I made and I'm still taking steps to not make same mistakes again.

Again, read what I wrote, sex was a fraction of what I recount as loss...my near mental breakdown far outweighs the rumbles in the sack.

lilianofentse:
I've tried but I still can't stop thinking about him. I even dreamt about him yesterday. I tried calling his line but it was switched off throughout the whole day and even now. Do you think it's spiritual?? Cos am starting to think so. The feeling is just too weird.

It's not spiritual, your emotions are running amok and you need to tame it. Since you want more than sex from this person I'll advise you to relax, like take a chill pill and get this man out of your head. Cos you have to assume that it's sex he wants from the feeling up and all.

Take it slow, avoid getting intimate and see where it leads.

MiddleDimension:


i really like your being frank.

if you are ok with it, please tell me: do you think when you have sex with your man before marriage, you are sinning against god? i know alot of those who believe in god but live together and are sexually active. infact, they go to church together and it is possible that the morning they get up from their bed to go to church they had sex, and possibly, after coming back, they had sex.

i am not judging here, but only stating my observation and wondering if some believers in god do not believe sex before marriage is a sin. ofcourse i was to embarrased to those people this question. and also, i do not know how they will feel. they may think i am trying ti judge them

so do you think when you have sex, your god is angry? how do you combine being a christian or muslim with sex before marriage?

After my last relationship ended, one of the ways i got my sanity restored was by exploring my spirituality and seeking a closeness to God. In the past I've never been this close to God and I don't think I want to go far anymore. I'm one who believes in showing what you are rather than saying it. So as a Christian with a renewed faith, I would be more inclined to dating/courting the right way henceforth...I don't believe in double standards.

When I never bothered, living in sin was acceptable but now I know better, I want to live a life pleasing to God. That is me, I can't speak for others, they have their conscience to judge them. But don't also forget that humans will be humans and we're prone to mistakes and when we fall short of God's glory (sin/make mistakes), it's better to seek forgiveness and get back on the right path.

I wish I could make you understand but seeing as you do not believe in God, it'll be hard.

MiddleDimension:


i am sorry for what happened to you.

i don't understand it: why do you count it as a loss if after having sex with you, he moves on? why do you think if he didn't have sex with you, the breakup would be less painful? sex is a mutual thing; when you both had it, the pleasure was mutual. so if you break up, just as you no longer have sex with him, he is also not having sex with you. both of you are also missing out on each other's benefit.

Thanks for your concern and you raise a strong point. For me it was all encompassing, not just about having sex.

The key is intention...I was having sex with him because I wanted to and I wanted to have my man satisfied but on his part it was just a means to an end. The major thing is I didn't appreciate being used at the end of the relationship.

What i regretted mostly was the time and emotions, the sex was just a fraction of the issues.

We're not all built similar and if a woman can easily move on from a failed relationship because she withheld sex, then isn't that better for her? I think it is. Only people who have had a mental breakdown from such experiences will totally understand the need to build up defences which may come as ' no sex before marriage'.

Checked86:
I had this experience with several ladies when i was looking for a wife. Just like every other guy, I wanted a relationship devoid of any conditions.

Funny that the bulk of the responses are coming from male trolls in their late teens or early 20s.

Maybe you should have asked these women to be open and actually tell you why they took such decisions.

Well, I'm a woman in my 30s and I have recently detached from a relationship that broke me up in the worst way possible. One of the ways I used to go about relationships was giving my all; time, attention, money, love, care and sex. But after this last episode where i was with someone who was timing his exit would it be wise to go about relationships using that same MO? I think not.

I don't know if I'll get into another relationship or if i do get into one, will I have sex? I can't say. But all I know is there will be holds barred. I can't allow myself be put through such wringer and if 'no-sex' ensures that happens, then so be it. Understand that it has nothing to do with how I'm trying to project myself, I'm no saint. . .I'm only limiting the chances of being someone's fool. And in the event it ends for other reasons beyond our control, I won't go insane counting my losses and regrets. Men always want a woman who gives all but they never do that's why it's easy for them to have multiple partners and when it's time to settle down they start doing the 'choosing analysis' like you did.

I like how you chose to marry the one you slept with, it's only fair you did since it was one of your prioritised goals in a partner. Other men have married women they didn't get to sleep with. Yes, no sex can't force a man to marry you same as giving sex at whim won't increase the chances that a man marries you.

Afterall you almost married the one you didn't sleep with but your conscience forced your hand, which is good in my opinion.

victorian:







Na now u know?



I'm smoking hottt!!!

Haha! I love your boldness, I swear. Na you fit this nairaland people.

Girl you better forgive this guy and move on with your life. Don't be held up by bitterness and unforgiveness. Moreso you're not God and cannot determine the future of that marriage. For all you know God probably ended your relationship with him so you could meet your own man. Don't hinder yourself with this state of bitterness. Forgive, let go and move on to the next stage of your life.

You sought advise on the other thread and got a couple of good ones, time to put them to use else in years to come you'll still be singing sane sorry tale.

[quote author=sandrayeo80 post=77262060][/quote]

Hnmmmm, some accounts of your partner ring a bell of certain types of humans we shouldn't cross in life. Parts like where he would leave the issues at hand and use past issues to judge you. And the part where he would go silent when you seek commitment. Plus the off and on relationship. Is this guy argumentative, does he react in the worst way to critism? He already sounds self selfcentered so I won't ask that. Was he dependent on you? Does he lack empathy? Even if the answers to my questions are no, I'll still say be happy this man is out of your life. You may not see it now but you will in time to come.

All you feel now is trauma bonding not love. Nobody who puts u through such pain deserves your love.

sandrayeo:
Hi all

Your story is a sad one and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

For the other guy, be happy you didn't end up with him. He's definitely gay and still in the closet. The woman he married is to create a facade. Men who aren't gay or bisexual are very irritated at gay stuff and won't be playing around on not just one, but multiple gay dating sites.

For the second dude...
You were not wrong to give him an ultimatum. Yes, it may not have worked but it's your life he was toying with and if he wasn't serious you did well to tell him to get his act right. I find guys who never say what they want and just lead you on distasteful. On the other hand, you made a mistake by letting such sneaky person back into your life and getting pregnant for him. Which makes me wonder if you intentionally decided to get pregnant. Like a man who wouldn't break up with you officially but act distant and all yet you let him back. Well, we all make mistakes, even the brightest of us and I'm not here to judge you. All you made was a mistake but you can't live the rest of your life defined by that mistake.

I'm also wondering... where you said he begged to come back and you only relented after 2 years, why did you hold out for that long if you wanted him in your lives? I think you're feeling this way because this guy is about to get married to someone else not you...you're most likely not feeling like this because you feel you lost a good man.

To your questions.
1. In my life I've come to understand that the nature of most men is to have multiple partners and objectify and use women as they see fit. It's our place as women to guard against that happening. They don't see it the way we do. If you leave your door open they'll keep coming back cos in their mind you want them to. So learning to shut the door on unserious prospects is the way to go.

2. How can you say your life is forever ruined because you're unmarried? Babe, marriage is just one aspect of your life. I know how you feel now but I can bet you feel this way because that guy is about to get married not because he's someone you really wanted to end up with. It happens, when our exes get married even the ones we're over, we still feel that way. You'll get over it. Thank God the single mum thing isn't much of a stigma again. If this makes you feel better, my ex was actively looking to end up with a single mum so there are men who would find you a great choice, cheer up.

Before that happens, I'll say get your priorities right and your first priority isn't finding a man. Your first priority is working on yourself. I'll have to be honest with you, as someone pointed out here, there's a reason you attract such men. You're most likely a loving and caring person and the disadvantage of that is women like that tend to do so much than necessary. When you work so much to get or keep a man he doesn't bother about how you feel any more cos you've clearly communicated that he's the only important person in the relationship. Did you have some neglect or abandonment during your childhood? Cos you tried to cling on to this man even when he showed signs of wanting out.

Your other priority is taking care of your child. Focus on those two for now and forget marriage...and contrary to all you hear here and everywhere else, it's just a status. I know societal pressures may make you bother so much but you have to find a way to tune it out. Would you be rathered pressured into a marriage you live to regret? Plus with a child now you have to be really careful with whom you end up with especially if she's a girl. Don't rush this thing. Use this time to learn and grow. Research, introspect, read, question things and become the best version of you. When you pinpoint your initial mistakes you'll be better prepared from making them again.


If you need more help with uncovering who you are or just seek a support network... Visit www.womenwholisten.com and the community will be willing to guide you through this moment of emancipation.

All the best hun.

6

Your words are so on point. I feel for the OP and I wish I could type but I had a really long day but I'm so happy she's getting good advice from forward thinkers like you.

Meanwhile we need people like you in our community. Please join our interactive forum on www.womenwholisten.com so that you can change lives with such insightful comments like this. Thanks.

victorian:










My dear , always remember most men out there just want to know how your pussy taste, it applies to alot of women out there, including me!
The men will come will sweet tales, even swear with Koran or Bible or even with their mothers name but all they are after is how does the pussy feel and taste.
You need to be vigilant,prayerful and careful with your heart and mind. In fact be protective over yourself.
Some will even call God name, that don't u know its divine intervention that we are meeting up like this? All na pure lie, that's why we are having so many single ladies with children, but no father.
You are not the only single mum out there. Well I'm not one sha, but all the same have seen single moms get married to responsible single men or single dads.

From henceforth, focus on God , your child, your job and family. Men will still come again, to see if they can deceive you and have sex but this time, let them know u are a born again lady and u are not ready for never ending sex that leads no where. Let them know u want something stable and serious, and if they are here to just quickly have sex by using sweet words or by saying but u are my gf nah, we should be having sex! It's not like you a virgin, really?

. Some will even come with marriage, I will marry you. All na lie! U need to build your spirit to be able to discern those lying sweet tongues and the only u can do such is been close to God.

U let the guy know, look guy! I'm not ready for never ending sex, let's be friends and see how it goes. Both of you should have what to gist about. Apart from sex and talks about what turns either of you on. Infact don't entertain such talks or chats.
If the guy has nothing to gist about? Abeg free am!

Later your own will come.
But from henceforth, be happy focus one what makes u smile and gives u joy. Then leave the rest to God.

I'm in my 30s as well, but I don't allow my past make me unhappy. Im more into church things and my job. Early this year, while going thru cross over night prayers, spirit of God revealed to me, Men will. Come, I mean men! But most are coming to taste and run! So Vicky! Be alert! Don't be foolish, use your head. Screen them and later u will see they are just around to hurt me once again emotionally,infact some are coming to give me one last blow to finish me off emotionally.. I said to myself na WA o, upon everything have gone thru in my past. I said OK, no problem let them come. We will see who get sense pass!

Now, I'm so strict with my criterias and I don't entertain sex chats! Any guy coming that can't chat or talk without adding sex, I quickly cut off! No time to waste on those ones. Even the ones that comes with marriage, when I ask one or two deep questions, they run away. Lol


Babe! U need to be tough but in a calm way. Don't tolerate nonsense anymore. A real man who wants you for keeps will hang around u, watch u and eventually wife you. But u need to be patient and hold onto God.

Come and ask an online community of business women. Check out www.womenwholisten.com

generationz:


off course he is still there for the benefits

but I doubt he is a narcissist

If he was one he wouldn't even create a topic on this issue.
if he was one he wouldn't feel remorse for setting her up

He might as well marry her and do away with her (after kids) as we see in movies

like I said to someone else I'm an avid researcher on human psychology

everyone has a good and bad side to them except those who suffer from mental disorder

No body is 100% pious and nobody is 100% evil

Circumstances in life are responsible for bringing out this aspect in us.

You wouldevil surprised to know that noble men who were epitomes of self sacrifice like ghandi and Mandela share the same personality type as Adolf Hitler
yes they were all melancholic phlegmatics or infjs

But the world will say Hitler was evil and Gandhi was noble .

do you know that some people who knew Hitler personally would say he was the sweetest man ever.
e would say Gandhi was wicked.

I hope I haven't confused you lol

I'm just someone who loves to look beyond the surface and consider every aspect before passing judgement


and yes I still hold that most people condemning hi. are hypocrites.

is it not eh same nairalanders that men encourage rape when they say "if she enter your house she must fVck " even if she doesn't give consent.
is it not the same nairaland that men continuously call women sluts
men who encourage their fellow men to cheat on their wives

go to joros blog, countless stories of girls who helped their boyfriends rise and got dumped. Fed him, house him, give him her savings to start a business ,help him get a loan etc only to be dumped when he made it

Tales of sad wives nko. when the husbands were out of jobs for years how they held the family together. only for him to make money and start cheating neglecting his duties.

Are all those men ghosts? or the same goodytwo shoes we that will still form Saints here on nairaland.

My best advice is for op to just stop wasting the girls time but forcing him to marry her is impossible.

Dating or marriage merely out of gratitude without love involved is a ticking time bomb that's why I'm not surprised when girls dump men who practically saw them through school to date a broke guy they love.

it is better you understand how human psychology works to avoid being a victim like the lady in the ops story.

I recommend for you and anyone else interested to digest Robert Greene's books

Unconditional love is a fallacy

Go on quora where practicing and certified psychologists, therapists and personality experts have an ongoing conversation on NPD. Read up on narssicists and narsiccitic relationships and you'll see they don't follow a set particular/behavioural pattern.

A narcissist will be anything he wants to be including remorseful, but the only clear pattern is they must put themselves first, at the expense of others...that's the only constant with them.

Your ideals to see the good in evil people is why good people get ensnared in the traps of people with the dark traid personality. Quit leading people on with such beliefs. Again go on quora, psychology.com plus other sites with loads on the dark traid personality and the first advise you read or hear is run! Where you're looking for the good sides, they're working their evil magic on you. Because, that your there is good and evil in everyone na fallacy, some people are just pure evil and every good you see is projected. Their ability to manipulate, mirror, charm is the good you and others see in them.

About being their victim, you're most likely to fall in that trap believing all people can be good and bad. I know better and knowing better means knowing some people have no good in them. Go and read accounts by peeps with diagnosed NPD. Read how evil and calculating a human mind can be. Read how sick in the head a person can be. Read how life is only about them.

A good person will not think about setting up a girl to break up with her, a girl he described as kind and supportive. Don't get me wrong, I'm all up for breaking up that relationship, it's doomed apparently.

Nobody here said anything about loving unconditionally. Married people too fall out of love. Nobody should marry someone they do not love but at what point did he discover he stopped loving her? I cant imagine he was with her for 5 years and it's just now he realised he doesn't love her. He should tell us the full story, did he meet someone new? Did he recently realise she's got flaws he may be fixated on? The OP is sneaky, there's more to it. Apparently he's a playboy from his other post or this story we're dragging back and forth na tales by moon light.

I'm done here jare, thank God I had this conversation with someone civil as i hate engaging in nairaland discussions to avoid insults. Have a nice day friend.

generationz:


don't you think the girl will be lucky to be free from him?

I don't get why everyone is telling him to marry her. it will just be a marriage out of pity. Nothing more.

He is already detached from that relationship.

"I never wanted to marry her but friends and family pressurised me too and now we are sooo in love and happy together" said no one ever.

A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage.

Sure, that girl doesn't deserve to end up with him, I advised so too. But you stroking his ego and feeding him lies about not being 'a bad person' and calling others hypocrites for calling him out on his evil doing is my grouse.

Read up on narcissistic relationships and you'll see the patterns. This guy clearly used that girl and no one capable of such is a good person. People aren't objects to be used. Think of the girl, this guy isn't going to break up with her anytime soon, he'll keep using her till she either decides to move on cos she can't stand the uncertainty or he'll discard her in the worst way possible.

Either way think of the emotional trauma she'll go through from that. I've been there, no good person puts you through such especially knowing you love/d them.
Again people like the OP are skilled at manipulation so that part of feigning gratefulness but can't marry a girl he decieved for 5 yrs is clear manipulation.

optm:
lol we HV many investigators on nairaland o. I pity d girl and I just hope d OP breaks up with her else, she'll suffer in d marriage. OP is not a good person. d reason why he's being careful not to just breakup anyhow is cos he's scared of what d girls family will do. he doesn't want to b seen to b at fault in d break up. sure if he break's up , he will still wanna keep ties with the girls family that he claims has made him a glorified houseboy. he's the very calculative type; an evil genius. lolz

I know his type and have personally dealt with one. They use you and suck you dry. Not just financially, but emotionally, verbally, sexually till you have nothing left to give. They lead you on and wait till you break up with them, he doesn't have the balls to break up with her.

I pray God gives the girl the discernment to leave his sorry ass cos this guy has the traits of a narcissist and no one can truly be happy with narcissists cos they don't have the capacity to experience emotions such as love and empathy.

generationz:


can you do business?
why don't you search for a better job or start a business.

When this is settled and you have full financial independence from her family you Can give the relationship a few months break. Not necessarily to break up with her but just reduce the calls and focus on your new job.

That way if you truely have love somewhere in your heart for the girl , it will be rekindled. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If you marry her still serving her family YOU WILL CHEAT ON HER . You might even begin to despise her. Not because she reminds you of what she has done but because everyones body language expects you to be grateful

I don't think you are a bad person like everyone says. You have been honest so far in your story and you felt remorse when you set her up.

I also think you have falling in love with another woman. Which is OK. since you aren't married to this lady yet.

Let me tell you something op, don't mind this men on nairalanders coursing you. Most are hypocrites . Everyday, we hear girls crying of how they were there for their boyfriend and when he became rich he dumped them Tell me , are those boyfriends ghosts? not at all . The same men cursing you are guilty. Many cheat on their wives too.



The only thing I'll advice you not to do is waste the babes time

Marrying her out of guilt is a no no.
Both of you will regret it. Your kids too will suffer for it.

See who you think is a fair person, such vile human being.

CiciReally:
Hello every one, am new here, I hope I can get advice and answer to my confusion and challenge

I been dating my man for almost 2 years, Am Nigerian he’s german, he was open to me from beginning about having some infertility issue, he opened up after we had sex unprotected one day and i was worried about him getting a pill because it happened in his country, he told me not to worry that he can’t father a child 90% so since then we been doing it unprotected and I never missed my period for a day, fast forward to after a year plus I missed my period after we spend my birthday together, being that i never cheated, I msg him asking him on scale of 1 to 100 how sure he is that he can’t father a child, he said 90%, I waited for another week still nothing so i did test and behold am pregnant, he was excited and insisted I must keep it as he never got any woman pregnant and it might be his only chance, I was troubled, always scared of 9 months, I hate hospital and all that challenges that come with pregnant, I tried to convince him so we get rid of it but he refused and promised to be there for me
Now 7 months into the pregnancy his behavior changed, from beginning he doesn’t pay for everything i need, hospital bills etc, I do most things on my own cos i felt he’s holding back cos he’s in doubt the baby is his, now flashback to wen i took in he confessed to me how he been going to sm special church in mountain that’s known for helping pple with his issue, prolly God heard his prayer, suddenly he changed, we agreed to get married so my family will get off my neck etc but now he’s giving me conditions, prenup and DNA after baby is born, I have no issue with any of that but how he always bring it up, iam so hurt, I cry daily cos am � sure baby is his, only asked him to support fully as he promised till baby is born but his family and friends discouraging him, now will it be wicked of me to cut him off have my baby send him a pic, have him do DNA then deny him right to own him?? Cos i don’t think i all ever forget how he treated me the time i needed him most.

Sorry about your predicament. I'll say do what you can for yourself till you put to bed. After your baby is born allow for the DNA testing but weigh your options carefully & be sure you really want to end up with your baby daddy considering the ill-treatment you highlighted.

If you end it up with him or not, that child will always bring you both together so you want to remain civil with your baby daddy.

raphretle:
I have dated this lady for 5 years now, we are still dating.. we met during our undergraduate days, she has been a good person to me, very kind and supportive..
Here is the problem : All her family members know me.. Infact am like a son to them cause they do call on me for errands that need quick response, Infact her uncles(her dad is late n her mum got married) trust me wt money than her brothers ..Cuz she stays with her uncle..

After my NYSC, her uncle helped me secure a job with the highest academic Institution in Nigeria (NIPSS) ... Now they expect me to marry their daughter but to be frank I don't love the lady... I don't know how to just make her go away. I just want to avoid been controlled by her family, ... I tried to set her up so I could have something to hold on for the breakup to avoid her family's anger and any form of guilt.. but I end up pitying her and forgive her instead... I know they tried for me,i owe them alot..But how to get rid of her in an honorable way is what I don't know.....
You can call it wickedness if you like,but just give me the advice I need..
Ladies and Gentlemen Help a brother...

See the length you want to go to end it with this lady; setting her up. Your mind is deep. You clearly dated the lady for the convenience and benefits that came with the relationship. Now you feel you can do better and should try your luck somewhere. I won't go telling you shit about karma cos i don't believe in it but you'll definitely regret it if you leave this girl cos i can't imagine how you dated someone for 5 years and only just found out that the love isn't there.

Be man (can you be called that sef?) enough and end it with the poor girl as gently as you can cos she'll be better off without an ungrateful, heartless soul like you. Don't even try for a marriage cos you'll end up hating her knowing you forced your useless self into a marriage with her.

Just break it off asap and hopefully she'll heal quickly and spend the rest of her life thanking God for saving her from a life of doom with someone as cold and calculated like you.

StaffofOrayan:
If you were on the old nairaland you would understand

Old nairaland abi, where your generation (guessing you're 30+) took the lead right? Can't say the same for this new generation on the new nairaland.

Observe the trend, how many thought provoking, insightful and intelligent posts peeps can learn from make it to FP? The mods know what they're doing, they're selling their market and intellectualism isn't high up the list.

Like i don't know what you look like but I know what you sound like and that's a young, respectful, intelligent and admirable lady. Why not concentrate on making yourself better. Read books, research, introspect and be the best version of you. Don't pause life cos one aspect of it isn't going as planned.
Start loving your self my dear cos if you're not careful you'll attract a narcissist who will feed off your desperation. Moreso a partner can only compliment you, they're not the essence we're made of. What are your interests? Focus on it. Get busy too, the busier your mind the less likely you'll be having such concerns too.

Derea:
What are the chances of a 30+ old woman finding a potential spouse in this country?

For single women 30 and above, what stigma do you face within your social circle, work place, family and community in general as a result of your single status? And, why aren't you married? Is this a personal choice?

For men in this category, why are you still single and how far would you go in meeting a potential mate? What are the pressures you face from family?

For both sexes, have the qualities you look out for in a potential changed overtime and to what degree does family influence your choice of a mate?

I'd also like us to share success stories of older people you know who later got married and right. We want to know there's light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Kindly invite friends to this page so that this topic can get the publicity it deserves.

You sound sad at your unmarried state and I saw somewhere where you blamed your self. I think the question you should ask yourself is 'why do I want to get married?' Are you looking to get married to please family members? Or to get society off your back? If that's why then be assured that you'll regret getting married cos your reasons are totally wrong.

I'm a single lady in her early thirties and I just got out of a very bad relationship. Like you, I was feeling the pressure and all I did was latch onto this man even when it was clear that he didn't love me and was with me for the convenience. I was ready to marry someone who agreed that he had narcissistic traits, that's how bad it was. Well thankfully he discarded me and I got my senses back as i got to reflect and saw how God saved me.

I won't lie, I get the pressures, subtly mostly, but I'm not going to compromise and get married to please others and end up miserable.

To answer your questions...yes, 30+ single ladies, living in Nigeria marry and marry for the right reasons too. I presently face no stigma cos thankfully people in my circle are understanding (you need to find such and surround yourself with them, I'm growing an e-community of such, dm if you interested). I'm not married cos it just hasn't happened. I'm open to it happening whenever, if ever. My qualities haven't changed and they never will, not like I've wished for a man who owns a jet, my qualities have been reasonable as they run deep and aren't superficial.

I have no story of someone i know personally but 30+ women the world over, Nigeria inclusive, get married every Saturday.

See, you're doing yourself a great disservice worrying about when and who you will marry. I know we have our days when we wonder why our case is like this but grief while you can and snap out of it. Snap back into reality and keep doing what you need to progress your life.

Your environment has a lot to do with helping you too. Surround yourself with like minded folks. If you can afford to live alone, go on and take that bold step. Don't be fooled by all the happiness married people project, they fight their own battles. I'm lucky to have some of the realest ones in my circle and they pray and wish for me to get married but encourage me to enjoy my single days as I'll never have them again. So enjoy your time being single, stop serving it like a sentence...and if you're interested in joining that e-community to share and learn, hola!

StaffofOrayan:
If Seun was business savvy, Nairaland would be competing with the likes of quora.com. At least judging from a decade before now, these days it's filled with dumb topics, dumber mods and the dumbest comments

It wouldn't. Nigerians love mediocrity. We don't use the internet space productively, it's mostly for nonsense and ingredient like this that interests the vast majority of us. If Nairaland upgraded to a level where constructive intellectualism is required, it wouldn't get this much traffic. Again, Nigerians delight in mediocrity.

Kelvin30286063:

You need an extremely affordable developer to create a forum that is better than nairaland. Are you listening to yourself?
Ask Seun how much he paid his developers now.
Better focus on blogging cuz all those guys asking you to contact them will just take your money and install nairaland scripts that have been in circulation on your database.
Good developers are not "extremely affordable"

You're right, I've removed the 'extremely' let's hope I get something affordable. The word affordable is relative

Hello!

Please i need an affordable web developer to create an online interactive forum like nairaland but better. Thanks.


Update: I've gotten someone. Thanks.

kushercain:
She told him herself "lagbaja nothing for you"

Abi o! That was another hit.

placeofallure:
I don't think they ever dated, their relationship was purely work-related I suppose. Also remember, not too long ago, Lagbaja's child got married. Baring any unfortunate circumstance, Lagbaja should be a grandpa now. That means, he's been married for long and this lady you're linking him to is or was just making out at the time.

To put it straight, Lagbaja na grandpa, and Ego be sisi

Haha!
Yeah I know they never dated, just assumed they were both single at the time and could have just gotten married.
But you've answered the question: he was most likely married at the time. Also didn't know he had a daughter that grown.
Thanks for the info.

When I work and can afford to divide my attention, I listen to music. Today I decided to stream songs by Lagbaja on Youtube.

It is expected that when one streams songs by a particular artiste, the more popular ones (or maybe the most streamed) come up. Hence it was inevitable that most of Lagbaja’s popular hits... which are some of my favorites too, came up. Before long songs like Never Far Away and Konko Below played. This triggered a memory of a conversation I had in the past.

One time I was listening to Konko Below with my ex and we wondered why the duo broke up....I had to find the answer to that question while writing this piece.

Apparently Ego decided to go solo. 'Solo'...I’m sure we can remember one too many great acts this word has destroyed but don’t follow that train of thought, stay with me.

Back to that conversation with the ex, he went on to ask a rhetoric question (as I’m not sure he wasn't expecting an answer). He said (since we’ve agreed that it wasn’t a question...) ‘Why didn’t Lagbaja just marry Ego’. Imagine!

Well, I’m pretty sure that this thought must have crossed a lot more minds than his. I remember countering with something along the lines of them probably not being in love.

I’m sure some of you just muttered ‘women and love’ or rolled your eyes at the obvious. Well I don’t mind, I believe unions should be founded on love (amongst other fundamentals of course). But I’m well aware that this is not the case in our society presently. We all want the wedding albums and make parents grandparents the textbook way. I digress.

Again back to that conversation, I remember going off for a bit on how he could actually suggest something so outrageous and selfish as such. So because we wanted to listen to many more lovely hits by the duo he wanted to sentence them to a loveless union. God forbid!

Today when I thought about that conversation, a little part (a big little part) of me actually wished they had made some effort to actually end up together. Like really, why didn't Lagbaja marry Ego

And that's a question, just if you missed the question markss, lol!


Image from Ynaija.com

When I work and can afford to divide my attention, I listen to music. Today I decided to stream songs by Lagbaja on Youtube.

It is expected that when one streams songs by a particular artiste, the more popular ones (or maybe the most streamed) come up. Hence it was inevitable that most of Lagbaja’s popular hits... which are some of my favorites too, came up. Before long songs like Never Far Away and Konko Below played. This triggered a memory of a conversation I had in the past.

One time I was listening to Konko Below with my ex and we wondered why the duo broke up....I had to find the answer to that question while writing this piece.

Apparently Ego decided to go solo. 'Solo'...I’m sure we can remember one too many great acts this word has destroyed but don’t follow that train of thought, stay with me.

Back to that conversation with the ex, he went on to ask a rhetoric question (as I’m not sure he wasn't expecting an answer). He said (since we’ve agreed that it wasn’t a question...) ‘Why didn’t Lagbaja just marry Ego’. Imagine!

Well, I’m pretty sure that this thought must have crossed a lot more minds than his. I remember countering with something along the lines of them probably not being in love.

I’m sure some of you just muttered ‘women and love’ or rolled your eyes at the obvious. Well I don’t mind, I believe unions should be founded on love (amongst other fundamentals of course). But I’m well aware that this is not the case in our society presently. We all want the wedding albums and make parents grandparents the textbook way. I digress.

Again back to that conversation, I remember going off for a bit on how he could actually suggest something so outrageous and selfish as such. So because we wanted to listen to many more lovely hits by the duo he wanted to sentence them to a loveless union. God forbid!

Today when I thought about that conversation, a little part (a big little part) of me actually wished they had made some effort to actually end up together. Like really, why didn't Lagbaja marry Ego

And that's a question, just if you missed the question markss, lol!


Image from Ynaija.com