₦airaland Forum

@misho,
Its my pleasure.
Hope u are all enjoying it, more are coming.

The Damned Egg
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

The Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Being an Egg
If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all, The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

Deadly Fruit
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Don't Fart in Bed
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Freds' Note
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

Heavens Ugliest Women
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

Magic Apples
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

Magic Apples
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

I ain't touchin' it
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal,

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

Hi my fellow Nigerian and Nairalanders,
I want you all to know that our prayers has long been answered, but to see the manifestation and the reality of our prayers, we all have to contribute our Quota and also stand for what is right  home and abroad, so we all can enjoy what is good.
[b][/b] CONTRIBUTE YOUR QUOTA
That we need to do more to realise the Nigeria of our dream is indisputable.
This has been publicly discussed, analysed and even researched.
Yet it is obvious we need little more than these.
We need a man of conviction and action|
The irony is, we have waited for this extraordinary man for decades.
But do you know, that man could very well be you?
According to Mother Theresa,'do not wait for leaders. Do it alone, person to person.'
Jesus said ,"You are the light of the world, "
As God's delegated authority, you can change the course of this country for good.
Ladies and Gentlemen of our great country Nigeria, let us begin today to contribute our quota.
Nigeria has a great future.

Hi my fellow Nigerian and Nairalanders,
I want you all to know that our prayers has long been answered, but to see the manifestation and the reality of our prayers, we all have to contribute our Quota and also stand for what is right home and abroad, so we all can enjoy what is good.
[b][/b] CONTRIBUTE YOUR QUOTA
That we need to do more to realise the Nigeria of our dream is indisputable.
This has been publicly discussed, analysed and even researched.
Yet it is obvious we need little more than these.
We need a man of conviction and action|
The irony is, we have waited for this extraordinary man for decades.
But do you know, that man could very well be you?
According to Mother Theresa,'do not wait for leaders. Do it alone, person to person.'
Jesus said ,"You are the light of the world, "
As God's delegated authority, you can change the course of this country for good.
Ladies and Gentlemen of our great country Nigeria, let us begin today to contribute our quota.
Nigeria has a great future.

;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d

Enjoy.

enjoy.

Enjoy.

Enjoy.

Enjoy.

enjoy.

Enjoy.

BE VERY VERY CAREFUL WITH WHO U WILL SPEND THE REST OF UR LIFE SO U
DON,T END UP LIKE THIS.
ENJOY.

There is a prophecy i recieved from my pastor
and he said i should be careful with black babes especially
those from the eastern part of the country, so u can see that
our relationship will not work bcus u are black and u are from
the eastern part of the country(after five years of courting).

Chelsea football fans na helelele oyoyo,
Chelsea football team na helelele, oyoyo,
The fact is just that Jose Mourinho turned around England and Premiership
what took Ferguson ten years to achieve JM Achieved in just three years.
All Chelsea fans in da house, plz lets hail the Special one, forget those who don't know
whats happening in football
Without the chairman(Jose Mourinho) in the house, England and premiership will be so boring for whoever.
I, PLEDGE TO CHELSEA MY CLUB,
TO BE FAITHFUL, LOYAL AND HONEST, TO SUPPORT THE CLUB WITH ALL MY STRENGHT,
TO ALWAYS LOVE MOURINHO AND  REMAIN WITH THE CLUB FOREVER AND EVER
SO HELP ME GOD.
UP UP UP CHELSEA.

You've got Blonde
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

I recently had an experience with a girl who only wanted to be friends, and I'm not sure what went wrong. I originally met Jenny in a bar about four months ago and I thought we hit it off quite well. She and a friend had just moved to the area and they didn't really know anyone, so she was happy to meet a nice guy like myself. She asked for my email address and said she was going to email me about hanging out in the future.

However, when I asked for her phone number, she didn't give it to me saying she had my email address and that was good enough. I took this to mean she wasn't really interested in me and I forgot about her (and I never got an email from her either). Sure enough, three whole months later, I'm in a bar when I see a girl coming towards me with an excited look on her face. It was Jenny! And boy was she happy to see me. Before I could say anything, she started apologizing profusely for not sending me an email, saying she had lost the paper that had my address on it. She then began asking me what I was doing on weekends and saying how she wanted to hang out really badly. (She said she was still having a hard time meeting new people). She also asked for my phone number, which I gave her, and this time she was happy to give me her phone number also. So after that night I was excited and thought she was definitely into me, because she didn't have to come up and say hi to me in the bar, she could have just ignored me or pretended she didn't see me,

So a few days later I call her up and agree that a group of my friends and her friends will hang out that friday night. It ended up being a group of five people and we all had a good time. Jenny was happy to see me and we had some fun conversation, but I felt like she wasn't giving me any positive signals (example: Instead of sitting next to me on the couch, she sits two seats over). Also, a lot of her conversation was directed at the whole group, and I was disappointed she wasn't paying more attention to me.

I talked to my friends about this and they told me it was probably because she was shy and also because we were in a big group so it would have been awkward and embarrassing for her to give me positive signals in front of other friends. So I ended up visiting her after work one day the next week, when it would just be the two of us.

This time we had a better time, because we could exclusively talk to one another without other people around. At the end of the night I decided to ask her out, because I knew if I waited any longer I would probably fall into the friends trap. Sure enough, she was very surprised by my asking her out, and she said she only wanted to be friends, because she would feel "uncomfortable" if we took the relationship to the next step. I assumed maybe she just wasn't
interested in dating a guy, but then a couple weeks later she tells my female friend on instant messenger (who hung out with us one of the times) that she has been casually looking at online personals because it's hard to meet guys in a city where she doesn't know anyone.

So what went wrong here? Why was she so excited to see me in the bar three
months later, only to be shocked when I ask her out and say she only wants
to be friends? And why would she not be interested in going on one date with
me, but she is interested in going on a date with a total stranger she meets
on the Internet?

Issues like these are generated through some gestures: as a guy may be u are one of the best hands in the company or may be ur level of reasoning, ur maturity or ur neatness even appearance is what glued the person to ur person and she is just trying to use that avenue as an advantage to win u and who says such marriage dont last, excuse me sometimes they do last but not every time(i mean if she is not married and u are single too)
Guys lets be factual, i know guys can do anything for sex, especially if the person in the subject is an highly influential individual. Plz listen very well to ur heart and see where is driving u to, if u can handle it pls dont do it.

aisha2:
I know my rights as an employee. My Boss can't threaten me. My Organisation has strict sexual harrasment laws.
You have a right to say NO

Nice saying, Aisha but don't forget in any organisation, the superior is always the winner and he has advantage over u, but wait a minute sexual harrassment law can only work if u have a back up to back what u are saying, what if he deny telling u that, it make u look stupid in the presence of the other staffs.

paccino:
SEE THIS AS A TEST - YOU EITHER FAIL OR PASS.

IT IS ALL SUMMARIZED IN THESE WORDS ABOVE, JUST PRAY FOR WISDOM AND THINK OF THE FUTERS

Paccino thanks man, u ve said it all.

I am currently learning how to drive and i find it a bit scary and at the same time enjoyable. I have my eyes straight ahead (trying not to get distracted). By the way, i drive an automatic (did i hear someone say "then i can't drive at all"?) and it makes me look forward to another day of driving. I mean, no need to change gears and all what nots.

We have the best okada riders in Nigeria but if u doubting me check it out.

They were two inseperable human beings always together in each other's crib, ride and arm,
doing things together on campus, they are in the same department, same faculty and same seminar group
hardly will u see one without seeing the other, always the talk of the campus even the talk of lecturers and they
are in the school good books because both of them are sharp, intelligent, smart and present minded. They use to
be two lovebirds who flocks together if there is a problem between a lady and a guy who are dating on campus, u will be directed to them to put you thru because their love affairs is something to write home about. To say thier love affairs
is the best on campus is an understatement but suddenly in just a twinkle of an eye the whole love story went sour and there was a rain of abusive language from both party.
Being their best friend i tried to settle the issue and figure out their differences but both party refused.
Guy, what went wrong between both of you, what was the problem,his responce was that she is crazy, stupid
infact she is mad and im not ready to talk about anything all i know is that we can't come back again.
Girl, what was the problem, what went wrong, her responce too was that, he is an idiot, stupid, crazy as a matter of fact i will be mute on the issue forever and i dont pray we come back again.
I tried to assume all short comings of lovebirds on earth, i couldn't fathom anything and i realised that assumption is no knowledge
Fellow Nairalanders,
What do u think could have gone wrong between these lovebirds,
could it be too much of familairity as someone said cus the relationship was seven year old before the break up or what on earth could it be
when the breakup was still fresh someone suggested we should leave them that they will both come to thier senses but my people the breakup is now five months old we can continue to look at them like that and assume they will come back.What if they didn't come back
Plz gurus on issue like this, kindly sumbit ur post and for God sake, what solutions will be in the best interest to ur post.
If this is the essence of falling in love then why falling in love.