₦airaland Forum

3. Never make your SPOUSE or YOUR CHILDREN your whole world. They are only a HUGE part of it, not ALL OF IT. Always put your-self FIRST, but never let them know it.

4. By GOD or SATAN, never put your self esteem in the hand of any SPOUSE. Always validate YOURSELF and LOVE YOURSELF. Submission is a concept that favors TRUE PARTNERSHIPS not some religious “incantation” used by some half-wits to BRAINWASH, deceive, cheat and ABUSE their spouses.

5. Pay attention to what your spouse DOES, instead of trusting “sweet words” and “deceptive promises”! If the actions do not tally with the words, you are dealing with a CON-ARTIST!
Shine your eyes, nose and mouth well-well o!

Dealing with marital challenges means:

1. You have CHOICES in a marriage and you are COMFORTABLE with the CHOICES you make or MADE.

Do you choose to be a FIRST WIFE, or a FOURTH WIFE?

Do you choose a ROMANTIC, LOVING FAITHFUL BUT BROKE SPOUSE vs an UNAFFECTIONATE, hard-working, NEVER-AT-HOME provider that is dedicated to taking care of family needs as a SPOUSE?

No one can have it all, you must CHOOSE.

Now, these are the REAL CHALLANGES in marriage.

As I MARRIED WOMAN, I have learned MANY THINGS to cope with a very SOUR marriage.

We all know what can “sour” a marriage ke! MARRYING A NIGERIAN MAN is one of them. The way MOST NIGERIAN MEN are “wired” is extremely faulty. Blame our male-dominant society that makes women inferior to men.

1. I WILL NEVER ASK A MAN TO PAY MY BILLS, so I am always SUPER-EMPLOYED and prepare for myself and family like HE DOES NOT EXIST.
What ever he can do, FINE. I will NEVER depend on any man. If you provide for YOUR own needs, less headache and arguement for you.

2. Never expect romance even where the sex is SUPER HOT. All na “shuku-shuku” and “snore” tins. Don’t be too sensitive or “needy”. NEVER GIVE MORE THAN YOU RECEIVE financially or emotionally, or you will feel “bitterly used”. Any spouse that does not make you a priority IN AND OUT OF THE BEDROOM, PLEASE, return the favor.

jaszplus12:
you're right dear...everything you have said is right! but it's in your head!!!
now question: have you ever been married? are you married to a man who believes you're just his furniture? something made you "find yourself"! if it's someone else's experience then you must go into the woods first before crying wolf!

you're a slave to your ideas too cos its chained you to believe that others are slaves to their own ideas!!

You are so immature in your responses you think or feel we all have to sing the same tunes.

When you read opinions, you either agree or disagree. No need for angst or venom. Stop sounding like a “bully”. It is not necessary.

*some IDs and their M.O.s never change*


We don’t have to agree, so I don’t know where all your bile is coming from. No need to prove anything to me. I don’t have to prove anything to you either. Just state your opinions and MOVE DA HELL ON!
Simple.

This is an OPEN TOPIC. No need to get personal.

Stop jumping all over my posts.
Thanks!

kingdenny:
The above statement is pure fallacy. Fallacy of generalization
The word rare is a very strong statement. Genuine marriages in Africa is plentiful. You need to reboot your sequence of reasoning and hasty conclusion. It's very faulty

Na my opinion o.
Nor vess abeg.

jaszplus12:
funny enough my wife asked me some days ago if I know why she married me in the first place! well, for your info she's right here watching and reading our exchange and if she secretly feels I'm not her soulmate and probably had wished she married someone else... she's 24 years too late!!
I'll take your advice and have some milk of the poppy this weekend... I need it, she needs it too...
what will you be having for yourself? I'll really love to know!

Unlike you, I have since learned to take what people say with a pinch of pepper.

Look inside the heart.

Marriage is a life sentence, no need to ask “how many years”!

Bondage na bondage, some slaves have no where to run to. Why trade “slave masters”?

jaszplus12:
hehehehe...some more info about your ideas keep coming forth!
anyway you started the thread in order to help others with their challenges in marriage but seems you only wanted a chance to take pot shots at people's ideas!
it's quite evident you who is single cannot and do not have the capacity to "advice" anyone!
have a great day at work....

Shalom!

Please, don’t forget to interview your “wife” on how she really feels being married to you.

You might just be shocked that you are not her soul mate o.

I stopped searching because I finally found ME!
Most women need to FIND THEMSELVES.

Marriage is not the answer.

So long my darling.

Take some “milk of the poppy” and rest well this weekend.

Proudgorgeousga:
This is true.

Na soooo oooooo
For every 1 thing an African or Nigerian man does to honor you, he will do TEN more to dishonor you ke!

Na who dey give dem satisfaction of misery in marriage na foolish woman ke!
Just find happiness WITHIN YOURSELF.
You DIE, YOU LOSE!
Simple. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME!

jaszplus12:
oh yea!!!
maybe you're:
a)unlucky
b)experienced (in getting it wrong)
c)married before and divorced!
marriage is divine... sure! did you create yourself?
how did the "idea" to come together as man and wife come into existence?
and I dated my wife for 8 years before getting married 15 years ago!
let me tell you something important... we've both made mistakes on lots of things that spring up when two people come to live together, some are quite very upsetting some very ridiculous some others very necessary.
...and we move on knowing that all this are bound to occur ..
of course we seek ways to also avoid the situations that may cause disaffections knowing these lead to breakdown in relationship!
every marriage is unique in it's character depending on the couple's approach!

Hahahahaha
Please, bring your wife to “testify”!
Marriage is always “A Tale Of Two Cities”!
You have only told ONE TALE.

A woman’s version is always different . . . . Of course. Especially if it is A NIGERIAN or AFRICAN woman’s tale of WOES.

Congratulations!

Perhaps, in another lifetime, the rest of us will be as lucky as “you”!

In marriage “contentment” is the only “GAMBIT”!

Enjoy your “bliss”. I nor dey complain o.

Have a blessed morning.

Off to work.

jaszplus12:
oh dear! you have really set the situation spinning on it's head!
first I think motive matters. what's your desire and motive for getting married? affection or just to have someone wash cook and incubate and rear YOUR children?
what's the first reason that attracted you to the man? love? or because you needed to leave your parents home or cos your mates are married and you're getting older? your conscious conscience is your ultimate judge.
marriage is "overrated" cos most people you see closely are those who failed to see that marriage is an EMPTY box which each individual puts something into!
most folks expect marriage to put something into them it can't work that way.
if you courted, how long? what were your "expectations" of your partner? were u just being swept away without realizing that there are days the ship shouldn't sail or wouldn't sail? each individual is unique therefore no two marriages are alike!
before you signed the dotted lines did you really take time to see how people sort issues out or did you think yours will never have issues?
marriage is divine(you can contest that) therefore you must align your mind with the instructions of the One who brought this institution to existence else you're sure to miss the mark.
you will wake to see the same face daily and you can be sure the mood that went to sleep last night won't be the same that woke this morning!
if you anticipate danger or inconveniences won't you plan to deal with it?
now take your time to study your partner and discard people's"perfect" opinions first then find the formula that fits yours....and I can tell you it's gonna take years to achieve that!

You must be :

1. Very lucky
2. Very naive
3. NEVER BEEN MARRIED



Marriage is divine huhn?
Glad to have this “revelation”.
Extremely “refreshing”.

Make sure your spouse-to-be is a “DIVINITY” o!

DarkRebel69:
KanwuliaExtra, you hear this man? He said we are a match made in heaven.

Very great sense of humor he gat.
He prolly meant in “HELL”!
You wisssssh!
TufiaaaaaaaKWA!!!!

Na wetin consine me with NL “Cotonou Boy” like you?

CircleOfWilis:
KanwuliaExtra

Glad I make it worth your read.

IPOB KWENU!!!!!

No wonder Peter Obi has been on Obiano’s throat.
What an oaf!

Watch out for part 2.
Nigeria 2019!!!!

25 BILLION still missing.

UjuJoan2:
True words (in bold) . . . . . No doubt marriage is a huge 'protection' for women in this yama yama country where women are viewed as second class citizens. Once they see that ring on your finger you are automatically worthy of respect.

That's why I think it should be out-lawed. Why judge people based on an institution that is not even as interesting as it is hyped up to be

Most women remain in their marriages not because they want to, but because no matter how bad it is, it's way better than the jungle out there. Probably why men these days are getting increasingly daring and blatant in their disregard for their wives.

I heard of a man who would lock his wife out of the house while he goes to work and then let her in when he returns. Apparently he doesn't want her getting too comfortable in 'his' house.

What of the ones impregnating their house helps nko, or their wives sisters or friends?

Most marriages these days are actually a show of shame!

Very correct.
But in the harsh climate of poverty, marriage will remain extremely desirable for women.

It can never be outlawed.
Thank my lucky stars for the Western world.
Marriage is only ONE option of MANY.
Women and men do not need to stay in any unhealthy union, unless BY CHOICE. . . . Like me.

No apologies.

I have always found happiness within me.
Thanks to my darling father who taught me well.
And my darling mother who was never held in matrimonial bondage. She was able to make her choice and SURVIVE her choices.

Women should be able to make choices.


We have a long way to go in Africa and Nigeria, where marriage is THE ONLY option for MOST women. Poverty na CURSE.

ibkayee:
Lol mehnn, I feel like after the 'honey moon period', my partner and I may just end up tolerating each other for the sake of the children, maybe not for a few years but eventually

Yes o.
We are talking “HEAVY DUTY” tolerance o!
The possibilities outside the marriage are totally UNACCEPTABLE by any given standards.

EfemenaXY:
Interesting stuff

Mindfulness and Kanwulia, you sure about this?

There must be some second happy marriage not borne from escaping domestic violence in Naija... though I've never heard of any

Just as you have never heard of any, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY.

We are only generalizing. I am sure we have a few “exceptions”.

In NIGERIA and AFRICA, women only jump from furnace to HELL FIRE!!!!

Mindfulness:
I just love reading your comments. Very refreshing.
You just do not have this herd mentality but you write with brutal honesty. And your confidence is inspiring.
I admire few people but you are definitely one of the few.

Thanks.

Mindfulness:
Why?

I have seen quite a number of second marriages that turned out well or even better. Not in Nigeria though.

I rest my nut cases!

Na who wan marry second husband FROM AFRICA?

NNNNNEVVVVVERRRRR!!!

No doubt some will work like awon 'TCHIDI TCHKERE'!

Only a battered woman may get a better husband, since she already married 'THE DEVIL INCARNATE' for a first husband.
Some widows are actually relieved that ONLY GOD could give them their divorce certificates. . . .For they had no means of escaping the brutish beasts of men in their matrimonial bondages.


Not to bash men totally.
For there are really SATANIC women amongst us ooooo. . .
BUT, MEN MAKE WOMEN THE DEMONS THEY BECOME for the most part, because women are naturally nurturing beings.
A vicious cycle with generational casualties.

It only takes one man to damage 20 women.
Those 20 women can only damage 20 men.

In the final analysis. . .WOMEN ARE THE MAJOR VICTIMS in and out of marriage.

Return to where?
When you don take Nigeria money go by half of Ethiopia ke?

Only in Nigeria will this criminal be speaking in public.
MINISTER OF AND FOR PETROLEUM for NINE YEARS without audit.

Baba! Na you biko.
Not even GOD or JUJU can touch this OTA FARM UNTOUCHABLE PLC!

thefirst:
Thanks for this: material and spiritual poverty!

But what do we do when someone is materially rich but spiritually penurious? Or in a situation someone is materially poor but spiritually rich? Or in a situation someone is both penurious spiritually and materially? Note, that someone sleeps in church doesn't make him or her spiritually wealthy just as working 7 to 7 doesn't make one rich! What does one do?

Penury in any state or form is not compatible with marriage.
There must be a balance always, so one is not driven by excessive needs and wants.
Church is just an avenue to escape reality once a week.

thefirst:
PS: Your writing is awesome.

Thanks.

UjuJoan2:
For once I agree with KanwuliaExtra . . . . Most people think marriage is a way to find happiness . . . but you have to first of all find happiness in yourself before expecting it from someone else.

People go into marriage for various reasons (I know I did); those who do it for 'love' or 'happiness' are sometimes disappointed. Clearly human beings are terribly unreliable and can only give what they have.

For me, I got married to raise a family . . . and the most challenging thing in that is having to to do it with someone who has different views and ideologies as me. You won't believe how frustrating it can be, haggling over the little things that ordinarily shouldn't be an issue.

However, I don't think things will be different if I had a different spouse, as a matter of fact, I think I was quite lucky in my choice. So if I find myself single again, I'll probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Marriage is over-rated . . . it should be outlawed.

On Point PLUS PLUS!
This na the KOKO of the MATA.

Different ideologies that cause FRICTION.
Petty squabbles. . . .Then you drift apart.
GBAM!

The hardest part. . . .


MARRIAGE IS SUPER OVER-RATED.
But if you don't try it, you feel you are missing something.

FINE. You are not missing anything TILL YOU LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE.
Marriage protects WOMEN from the YAMA-YAMA men out there.

It is easier for a MAN to get a second and third good wife, than for a woman to get a second good husband.
Remarriage for women? O DI KWA VELLLY LISKY!
I nor go try am LAI-LAI!

Was OBJ not MINISTER OF AND FOR petroleum for NINE SOLID YEARS?

WHERE DID YOUR MONEY GO?

thefirst:
Most people change for the worse!

Could this have an underlying cause?

Being raised in POVERTY or ILL-GOTTEN wealth only means you can never be in a position to GIVE or RECEIVE love because DISHONESTY as the main survival instinct becomes first and last nature.

In AFRICA, you rarely find a marriage that is genuine.
Marrying a person raised in material and spiritual poverty is a recipe for emotional disaster.
You can never learn or build trust necessary to build and foster ANY RELATIONSHIP.
Most raised with domestic abuse/violence as victims will become perpetrators in their own homes.

Welcome to suffering and smiling marriages.

The GREATEST challenge is MARRIAGE itself.
Reason? MOST PEOPLE CHANGE FOR THE WORSE!
To stay na WAHALA.
To comot na HEAVY WAHALA o!

Better to die h-insai ONE marriage o, than to make the same mistake TWICE or THRICE.
Can’t imagine getting married again.
Will never try it.
You can NEVER know what is in the other person’s mind. So many dishonest people out there with lots of baggage ooooo.

They say one thing, mean another and DO NEITHER!

No need to inherit another set of emotional/financial PLUS MEDICAL RISKS, all in the name of looking for love, peace and happiness. Tufiakwa!!!!

Na real GAME OF WOES I swear!!!!


Glad to have tried it.

It is a very expensive education process.
You MUST find happiness within YOURSELF.
Simple.

Typical Afonja Brain Syndrome.

Always acting foolishly, then pretending to think wisely!

This lame dwarf called Osibanjo never has anything meaningful to say.

What an apology!

What next?

Operation “SCORPION DAMCE”?

Only after 2 and a half years?
PMB for 2019!!!!!
Yaaaaaaaay!!!!!

Ntoooooooor!!!!!

Go and cry me a river to TINUBU!!!!
Una carry Nigeria give hungry hound dog from Northern Nigeria abi?

Muchechechecheche

SouthWest? Una don taya for change?
The North will keep cloning more Buharis till Nigeria is sold to Chad and Niger Republic.

Useless Afonja peeps!
Una tink say una smart.

What is the point of doing ANY TEST after phocking for 20 years before marriage?

Buhari for 2019!!!!!
Una nefa see anything o.
Shebi una vote this DAURA DUNCE into power?
Nigeria, see ya life.
NTOOOOOOOOOR!!!!!!

Made in NIGERIA nko?