₦airaland Forum

UgwuKristian:
FTC


This is interesting,

I am actually the first to comment on this topic, Honestly I am really close to tears at this lifetime achievement,

@⁨Zeus⁩, @⁨Sinem⁩ & @⁨Nelson⁩ tried their best, spiritually and traditionally but they were not the chosen ones, You see there is no profit in bearing grudges or being jealous of the Lord's anointed,

There are so many people to whom tribute must be paid to, firstly Pastor @⁨Evanescence�⁩ our prayerful pastor, I know you are brave and trustworthy. I believe in you just like you believe in me and so I dedicate this honour to you,

I cannot forget @⁨Buchi⁩ aka Amuezuike, Also @⁨Pacifier⁩ aka Amuezuike Jnr, Haters will call you guy's olosho/ashawo but let them say, did they not say worse about Stephanie Otobo?, I dedicate this to you guys jor,

I once again salute @⁨Zeus⁩, @⁨Sinem⁩ & @⁨Nelson⁩ for being the gallant losers in this struggle for the FTC (First To Comment), Do not lose hope, Follow Buhari's example, See how many times he contested to be president, Here he is ruining our nation, .

MrPeterson:
In Africa, those with powers have no ideas and those without power have ideas. Our affermity with people who don't have idea is amazing.

whitebeard:
Op I can't see what brought me here, that u said is here..!!

Lexusgs430:
What about the kids?

toksbisola:
@OP; hmmm how sad. IMHO, you’re a bit too soft; (no offence) toughen up a bit as your wife have wrapped you round her little finger. There seems to be these factors missing in your marriage; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship. In theory, your wife "HAS SEEN YOU FINISH". I have said this several times, and I will say again (some of you men don't listen), there’re two important things you need to know when dealing with women viz;

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without being the first to call her to apologies when an argument occurs, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.

The thing that upset me the most is that you saw this entire attitude in her during your courtship and you still went ahead and married her, thinking she would change right? WRONG MOVE. People even convinced you to marry her that she will change and you fell for the deceit. I suspect your wife is pretty and aside the fact of her nasty attitude and the other things you mentioned you couldn’t just end the courtship and let her go. You gave her warnings to change her attitude of which she said she would change but she deceived you and she went back to status quo and yet you still went ahead and married her; WHAT FOR?

From another angle, you have painted your wife as a monster (excuse my language) but painted yourself as an innocent person which I find hard to believe. If your wife were to come here and say her part of the story, it mostly likely would be slightly different from your version as there are always 3 sides to a story; your side, their side and the truth.

You and your wife have not spoken for a while and that’s not a healthy sign. You also mentioned that you have reported her to some family members to intervene but to no avail. You are now getting to the point where you need to ask your wife DOES SHE STIIL WANT THIS MARRIAGE? If she answers YES you know what to do but if she says NO you know what to do. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay; that’s your call entirely as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches the most.

You and your wife have set a very bad precedent for your kids. That said, one piece of advice I’ll give you about the kids is this; as they grow older and get into the dating game, endeavour (just a suggestion) to use the example of you and their mum to teach them that when they see things they are not happy with during courtship, it should be addressed immediately. If the person with the problematic attitude isn’t willing to change then they should run faster than Usain Bolt as what you know you can’t take during courtship, would only get worse (if not corrected) after marriage.


Lesson learnt to all others who are courting and hoping the relationship would lead to marriage to learn from the @ops mistake

1) Never ever marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond, (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.


Finally, try and resolve the issues you are having with your wife urgently as communication is a problem you both have. Humility on both your parts is a starting point. Get a 3rd party (which can be counselling) involved if need be as you have children and the environment is not a conducive one for them to grow up in at the moment. All the best

I rest my case

PS: @kapelvej you are welcome.

But your posts showed that you painted your wife in a bad light and you didn't mention any of your own faults. It is not possible for one to be always innocent without offending the other party. You talk as if you yourself are Mr 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up dude, I'm sure your wife is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing hers. If your wife were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, she manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about hers. The bottom-line is all about compromise.

luminouz:
Don't just say thanks!!!
Her piece of advice is d best I have seen so far outta d comments!!
Ur d Man!!! Man Up!!!

yesloaded:
wit due respect sir, u are not married provided that all u said is the undiluted truth

MaNyEsq:
Like my grandma would always say, son, "A leopard does not change its spots." You knew before you entered into the marriage that she's very disrespectful and mouthy and still you married her. Based on what you said, you've always been the one that break the stalemate and call her each time you quarrel. So, let it me break it down to you.

There's one of two dynamics at play here: [1] Either she is waiting for you to fold like a cheap tulip under a scorching sun as you have always done and call her back and beg or [2] she's found another man that really piques her interest. I must say that in this relationship, you laid the wrong foundation. As a man, you must maintain your integrity as the head of the household.

Aristotle once said, "you're what you repeatedly do," therefore, your falling for her tricks became a habit not an act. Truth be told, no woman trully wants a man [husband] that she can control not withstanding what she must profess openly or publicly. They want a man that they believe can always protect, provide and offer them security when the need arises. No woman wants a sissy for a husband.

When she tested you by waiting for you to cave in and be the one to call first after your arguments, you flunked the test. So, she has lost albeit the little respect she might have had for you. Women are a funny bunch...very diabolical! They never tell you directly what they mean...you always have to play a guessing game or figure them out yourself.

nwaonyeze001:
@ OP, I mean no disrespect, but, firstly......You caused all that is happening right now, though in a bid to make your marriage work, but since you knew from day 1 that your wife exhibits such traits, the first 2-3 years of your marriage should have been used to stamp your authority, since you didn't do that during the last phase of your courtship
Secondly, take my advise, if your wife is within the age bracket of 23-28, then technically, she is exhibiting the traits of her age bracket, given the attribute of peers, flirting, stubbornness amongst others, my little advice, patience my brother, pray and use wisdom to stamp your authority
I wish you good luck and God heal the wound in your home, because I feel your pain, I have been there before,, Note, your wife is just been stubborn, so ....... address the issue this time with caution and wisdom

tomdon:
Are you sure you didn't marry a witch or how can a normal person be this bad without provocation
I believe there's a lot you're not saying

And in fairness to her you're using here is used wrongly. You can't use in fairness to her and proceed to describe a bad character

Ebukamath:
and you were to blind to see it, now you are complaining. Tell the church member that she hasn't change

Lexusgs430:
Asking if she has moved on, should not be the question of debate.......

The question I would ask you is, if she is so obnoxious as you potray her, why do you want to remain married to her?

Why can't you instigate a divorce and move on?

In fairness to your assertion, she portrayed this attitudes, but you were blinded by love.....

It's time to move on, not unless you are enjoying this soap opera or charade called a marriage...........

aldotun:
Hello, MAY THE PEACE & LOVE OF GOD ALMIGHTY BE WITH YOU & YOUR HOUSEHOLD

I want to share a different view, and I hope this helps because I am in a similar situation but GLORY BE TO GOD, this seems to be working;

You fell in love with her, stayed with and married her and have shared beautiful children so, it is so difficult going the other route.

I am trying not to bore you with my epistle but I wish I can make this simple.

You would have to wear a new skin, overlook as you are already into it, shower her with more love, try to avoid argument and quarrels but show restraints not because you are weak but for the love of your family.

Try and make her feel young, try less to chastise her, don't be bothered by her ego, I tell you somewhere along the line, her reasoning would change, she would wonder what happened, no time frame, look at it as if you are training a puppy, patience, patience, patience and lots of love.

If you don't mind, we can communicate so I can explain a little bit more.

Call her and keep your family together and please avoid confrontations and also try never to be physical (assault) having it also at the back of your mind you are doing it as sacrifice for your family.

I am positive somewhere you would begin to see the good part; because I believe EXPERIENCE IS THE Best TEACHER.

Forget about what people say or will say because what matters is what you say and people at the end would only come to love your family the way you place them.

Let me stop here for now. Please How do I connect with you

aldotun:
Hello, MAY THE PEACE & LOVE OF GOD ALMIGHTY BE WITH YOU & YOUR HOUSEHOLD

I want to share a different view, and I hope this helps because I am in a similar situation but GLORY BE TO GOD, this seems to be working;

You fell in love with her, stayed with and married her and have shared beautiful children so, it is so difficult going the other route.

I am trying not to bore you with my epistle but I wish I can make this simple.

You would have to wear a new skin, overlook as you are already into it, shower her with more love, try to avoid argument and quarrels but show restraints not because you are weak but for the love of your family.

Try and make her feel young, try less to chastise her, don't be bothered by her ego, I tell you somewhere along the line, her reasoning would change, she would wonder what happened, no time frame, look at it as if you are training a puppy, patience, patience, patience and lots of love.

If you don't mind, we can communicate so I can explain a little bit more.

Call her and keep your family together and please avoid confrontations and also try never to be physical (assault) having it also at the back of your mind you are doing it as sacrifice for your family.

I am positive somewhere you would begin to see the good part; because I believe EXPERIENCE IS THE Best TEACHER.

Forget about what people say or will say because what matters is what you say and people at the end would only come to love your family the way you place them.

Let me stop here for now. Please How do I connect with you

tytunji29:
Boss, elder of d church are jst men like u ND I so how come you bleaf Dre prediction? Morova dos elder re nt d ones to spend d rest of Dre life wit ha oooo anyhw d mistake is done already jst cont cos of ur kids (dat if dey re urs too ooo)

UDUJ:
Dude your wife is someone we class as a Narcissist.

Staying with a narcissist means staying in an emotionally abusive relationship, and it’s every bit like a woman staying with a physically abusive man. You may love your wife still, and at times she may show love towards you, but she will always come back trying to tear you down. You won’t even realize how miserable you are, and how much fear of her, and fear of the unknown possibilities of life away from her are keeping you trapped.

Narcissists are extremely hard to treat. Don' t expect that anything about your relationship will change. Ever. Is that OK with you?

babra19:
Touching story, is obvious that you love her...give yourself a break...life is too short...dnt go n kill ursef becos of Ur wife...if u die it won't take her up to a month you will see in Ur spirit world that she is married to another.
give her some time to get back to her senses if not file for divorce and move on with your life...this time around be patient and get a good woman...who will give you a good home.

triblehaul1:
I am not sorry to say but you married a woman who does not deserve a husband. I have no advice for Lilly livered petty Africans like you.

Brightgem:
Then in the light of all other pieces of advice given here, I suggest u be the one who starts thinking of moving on. IF your conscience is clear. Your wife is flirting u say u havnt seen adultery! what?! She insults you! There should be rules btw a couple to draw a line on what each cannot say to the other! Now its still verbal abuse, dnt become another Bilyaminu. God forbid! I think u are a man being abused. Open ur eyes, sadly. The signs were there!

donemitex1:
I hardly comment on Nairaland but this write up touched my spirit. Women can be very difficult to manage. They can turn a humble and God fearing man into a Beast. You never know what you are capable of doing until you get married to a very stubborn and problematic woman. I used to have a girlfriend who exhibits all the above traits. She was stubborn and would refuse to beg when she is at fault, she was a serious headache. I tried to change her but I almost lost my life doing that, I had to move on. I eventually discovered that the secret was not to be too nice.
Women generally take advantage of it because it's in their nature. You have to be decisive when you take decisions and stand by your word. You have to be perceived as being rigid, it is to your advantage. Only apologize when you're at fault, infact don't apologize directly because you will regret it. Buy her gifts or take her out in place of a direct apology. One more thing, never start what you cannot finish unless you are willing to continue it as long as you stay married to her. Talking about scaring your wife to submission, it is clear that refusing to call her isn't working. It's two months already. Here is what you will do. Just appear with three or four elders in her family house with the aim of dissolving the marriage, conjure divorce papers and tell her you're going to end the marriage. I bet you, if she truly cares about the marriage, she will submit and after she does, never play too nice again, I repeat, don't play too nice again. Your wife needs to be handled with an iron fist. Above all, prayer is key. I say this all the time. A family that relegates prayer to the background cannot survive. The reason is that the Devil has declared war on the family. The family is a microcosm of the larger society, if the family is destroyed, the society is doomed. This is the single reason why divorce is on the rise. The only way out is to pray without ceasing. Do night vigils and fasting intermittently. Read the Bible together as a family. If you do these things, you will will be too hard for the devil to crack.

Brugo:
I feel sorry for men like this who are considerate and empathetic. Ladies often take them for granted. Ladies prefer harsh guys who can "change it" for anybody any time.

I hate to break it to you Mr Kapelvej. If she could stay alone for 30 days without calling you to settle, then she doesn't care about your feelings. If she could stay silent for 2 months, it is over.

She has decided not to care about the marriage and it didn't start 2 months ago.

This has been building up over the years. All those little moments of stubborness that you overlooked have emboldened her. All those times when you took the initiative to reconcile even when she was at fault, she was building resilience. Now she has found a way to cope without you.

You are the one who wants this marriage to work. She doesn't give a damn.

I am sorry that you have to face this kind of problem in marriage. It is something people should never have to live with.

If you want this marriage so bad, prepare to beg her all your life. She will not change. Don't expect that. Can you live with that?

yesloaded:
Maybe but with the looks of things this is a one sided love except that you have something you are hiding sir.

pennywys:
OP answer me is she from Imo state? Cos mostly owwerri ladies exhibit this character

luminouz:
Don't just say thanks!!!
Her piece of advice is d best I have seen so far outta d comments!!
Ur d Man!!! Man Up!!!

yesloaded:
wit due respect sir, u are not married provided that all u said is the undiluted truth

desiregold:
You saw all those signs earlier and still listened to your churc elders and married her.

Now, she is worse and may even be worst in near future. She is rude and may raise your kids to be rude if care is not taken.

Go back and keep being the peace maker that you are. so, you can be there to correct and raise your kids.

We cant advice you.., is your cross, carry it.