₦airaland Forum

I'm envious. _{There, i said it!}

Abeg ride on, girl! Etch "Naija" on the world map.

So far, so good. Nice work.

hi folks

aint got a rant tho, just signing the Rant register - been absent for a while.

hey blaze, tell the crazy bitch to go Bleep herself - life is too short to be wasted on humorless, stuck-up, un-chykable chics - u can tell her i said so. No, vait, yu kan tel her i said so. Zat's vat i vuld hav don myself 

epi, can it. The guy is a dickhead, granted, but i'm sure u can do a lot more than scream at yo screen. Why not buy a real gun and waste the ass-wipe? The way u paint him, he sure deserves it.

hi V.  Aint got shit on u, man, none at all.

hey blue, Sisi, Moji, sino (piss on the exams, man!) - wherever the hell is Chamo, the homeboy?

What can I say, Oriks? You hit it right on the button.

I admit, I'd rather borrow a newspaper to read than buy one myself - in fact, until a few years ago, the first things I looked for whenever I encountered a newspaper were crossword puzzles and cartoons. Honestly, I can't even remember when last I bought a newspaper. As for mags, I've never bought one in my life - never! - and yet I write short stories and poems. I even published a novel last year. Says it all, doesn't it?

Perhaps it has to do with the way one is brought up; my dad stopped buying papers when I was like eleven - harsh times, not enough spill-over "change" to spend on such luxuries anymore. I wouldn't have noticed if not the sudden unavailability of newspaper cartoons. After that, the only other times I really missed not having newspapers and mags around were in college; at least once every term, some hair-brained teacher would saunter into the class and ask us to look some issue in the newspapers, or (even more often) to just cut out some certain pictures from magazines and put 'em up in a card-board paper album. Sic!

But about the "Nigerian" tendency to borrow rather than buy tabloids, I think it is more than just the natural inclination to take advantage of an "awoof" - going over to the paper-stand and "paying-as-you-read", rather than buy the entire caboodle. Really, it goes beyond that - its the internet and cable TV. Switch on the TV or click at a link online, and Eureka! you get all the information and whatever else you ever wanted.

Three months, an free online magazine I subscribe to (Hackwriters.com; you probably know it) announced that it was going belly-up. The magazine accepts write-ups from subscribers and publishes select ones every month on real, hard copy publications (like you do, Oriks); the editor uses the proceeds to keep the mag and the website afloat. Then sometime in February, I get this mail saying there won't be any March publications; reasons: low sales, can't keep up with all them blog sites and online forums. I never bought a copy of the mag myself (thing was sold in USDs, darn expensive, plus I have that habit with mags, you know ), but what about them britons and americans? If even they won't buy mags and papers no more, then there's a lota trouble. And you know else? It's not just the Punch and other Nigerian papers that are recording all time lows; LA Times, Chicago Tribune, you know 'em, they are all low on sales, too - I think I posted something on that sometime ago . . .

Anyway, to cut down a long winding tale to a short winding one, it's not just the "pay-as-you-read" and "read-and-dash-me" syndrome (they contribute, yes, that has always been the status quo, even back when Punch was selling 200,000 copies); CNN, DSTv, Google, Bloggers and yes, even our own dear Nairaland have contributed more. Remember, over 70% of the newspaper buyers and almost 90% of the magazine buyers in Nigeria are either in or above the middle class, and these folks DEFINITELY won't stand at a news-stand to "pay-as-you-read".

hi blaze
hi V
hi Moji
hi Tg
hi . . . . umm, hi everyone else

Chai, i don miss!

ariblaze:
because i am a man . . . . . . .

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007 2009, I will
share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking,
the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest, like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering
what to do . . . .

By Jove, I concur!!

Rant, people, rant!! Let out the venom and bad blood - it'd be good for yer system! _{happy easter by the way}

hi everyone

Its raining cats, dogs, and chickens, and I'm stuck in the office.

PH being the effed-up city it is, taxi-routes are as stupid as soldier-ant paths. Take my office for instance, you can get a taxi (and even buses) when you are coming, but you'll NEVER see one when you want to leave - irrespective of the time! Now, I don't have a car _{(not even a bicycle)} and almost all my colleagues are gone. Except of course for the managers and BUM's - fat, bloated, "quagmired", money-chopping, pot-bellied/nyash-heavied, extremely unpleasant specimens of the human species. . . .

Ok, i ain't really beefing'em, but meeehhhhhhnn i'm just sitting here wishing one of them shiny Sonata[/i]s and [i]Avensis outside belongs to me . . . .

Stupid day-dream. And Bleep the rain, i go leg am - no shakin.

@Moji: not a bad decision shaa, but me, i prolly wouldn't say shit but i sho would get at least one upper-cut in b4 quitting.

On second thoughts, I think I need only a letter: F******! _{(and 5 asterisks)}

When talking to your superiors, it's best to be like a G-string - brief, concise, and covering only the most important issues!

hi blaze
hi V
hi Tg
hi sino
hi everybody else

Now look'ere folks, what's this? First sino yarns about the love he wants to slice up with a razor, then V tells his disjointed "round-the-mulberry-tree" love-struck tale - and finally, the coup de grace, The Rantster tells me he is ACTUALLY in love. . . .    Nawa-o.

I say, Bleep it.
Love sucks,
ok maybe it doesn't exactly suck but it sure limits a body's entropy level. Y'all can have sweethearts and honey-crumbs all you want; me i prefer bitches Bleep-buddies, you luv'em, you forget'em - and the best part, they forget you too! Easy-piesy
Tell me that's not a better life-style.

Nigeria is really messed up, frankly.

Check BookWorld Concepts, near Rumubiakani round-about (i.e. coming from Artillery).

Sisi Jinx:
NO

Two freaking letters, yet people find it so hard to say:

Do you have so so and so?

E dey, my sister siddon make I quick bring am. . . .

sino:
i should go to her office wiv me razor, give her one of 'em aboki tribal marks!

Nooooooooooo, sino abeg siddon make i bring matchete for you. I go fuse am well-well make e cut "fiam"!

sino:
Woosh! Finishd reading the whole 35 pages wow! was very interesting, cant wait to post ma rant too. Had it in ma head all through da night hehehehe.Im sure pissed about da female folks though hehehehe.

Rant, dude, rant. Quit yapping - b4 u fall foul of the 13th commandment

epi:
My Ten ComRantMents 

Welcome back honey-pie, missed ya like da junkie missed da coke!! Honest!

ariblaze:
i wish, i can get to my area before 10 pm and not after , so as to pay twice the normal fare to an okada man, who is cashing in on the time to take me home

as opposed to getting there after 10pm, when the ban on okada movement takes effect, and i have to be crammed in

a bus with a dozen ill tempered people like me.

or i wish my V6 BMW actually has the chance to get stretched every once in a while, instead of being relegated, to weekends i don't work ,

so kay9 are sure portharcourt is worse than lagos?

Well . . .ok, i thought i had a rant but ummm, yo brand of Lagos compares close enof. heehee

@iice: They were initially in the lecture hall, yes, but they weren't having any lecture - the fella didn't show up. That's the Nigerian school system for you.

@g4grace: Nice story-line; it's been used to tatters though, so you'd have to make yours a little more intense for it to strike a cord with readers. iice was right about your tenses. I also think you need to use simpler, shorter sentences; they make a story flow smoothly and your reader immediately grasps your message. EXCERPT:The breeze was a great welcome to him, he was sweating, he wasn’t surprised, their lecture hall was small compared to the students who registered for the course. = The breeze was a great welcome to him. He(use his name) was sweating; he wasn’t surprised, though. Their lecture hall was small compared to the students who registered for the course.

hi blaze
hi V
hi Sisi
hi Tg
hi blue
hi everybody else

the other day i ranted on how i wish i could nuke PH city, and someone said i was blowing it. That person'd better get ready cos i've got more.

Port Harcourt is a hell-hole - it's even worse than Dan Simmons' depiction of Calcutta - in my opinion anyway. How do you explain the phenomenon of taking 2 and half HOURS to complete a 4 km distance IN A MOVING VEHICLE?? You wake up by 5.30 am and start preparing, so that you can get to yo office by 8.30 am - and if you wake any later than that, you spend twice as much time on the road! I mean, what sorta dog's life is that? Why oh why did Gov. Amaechi have to go and ban bikes in the first place? Ok, crime rate has reduced some, that much i admit, but Jeremiah on a highhorse, at what cost?? The roads are ALL bad - y'all heard me, right? THEY ARE ALL BLISTERING BAD!!!!!

You wanna stop bikes, the first thing is create more access roads - and renovate the old ones. You do this BEFORE, not AFTER banning bikes. Gash, even an idiot would know that! Now what do you have? Half-done road renovations, bleeping contractors piling up heaps of sand and blocking the still good roads. And the traffic wardens aren't exactly innocent of aggravating the situation neither. Heck, i had a row with one this morning.

I was in this taxi, see. Luckily the driver was a sharp breed, not like that other one i talked about t'other day - the one with a case of "dullness-itis". Ok, so the sharp driver is doing his thing, dodging this, dodging that, the traffic is still terrible but we're getting somewhere at least, so moi's just cool and froody. And then we get to this looonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng queue - but i'm still okey-dokey, i mean hey, everybody's in the same situation, right. But then I notice that the traffic warden ahead was playing funny - she'd wave along the other queue coming at right angles to us towards the junction and ignore ours. When she finally took notice of our queue, she allow like 2 or 3 cars, and she stops the line and waves the other one along. Just like that.

I sat in the taxi steaming. I watched our driver and other people in our taxi and in other vehicles behind and ahead; most just kept mum. Our sharp driver grumbled a couple of times and went silent; my fellow passengers muttered on and off like scratched CDs; some other people pointed and gestured. But no one - NO ONE did anything.

The traffic dragged on. Our line continued to be ignored.

Pretty soon i got to boiling point. We were close enough to the junction by then, so I just pushed the taxi door open, got out and let loose on the asshole of a traffic warden. Hey, you, warden! What the blazing Bleep do you think you are doing?? You just stand there, allow one line to move as long as heaven allows and you TOTALLY ignore the other one!! Are you nuts?? Is that how to control traffic?? At first she was too dazed to reply, but she found her tongue soon enough and replied in like manner: Eh-eeh?? You think say e easy?? Oya come pass now, over-sabi!! I realized thru my haze of fury that Queens' English was a bad idea here, so i switched tactics: Why u dey ignore dis line, eh? Abi we no follow for traffic?? All dis cars wey line up for our side, na park we park am?? Wetin dey worry you sef?? C'mon wave our line make we side jare! Shoo!! I felt like fighting - i felt like punching and combo-kicking - but all i could do was stand and yell with fury at an obviously brain-fried bitch of a warden.

Meanwhile, the other line continued their progress.

Other initially dumb people suddenly added their voices and things really got hot. Then an important looking cop waddled out of the police jeep parked near-by, waved everybody down, and signalled our line to move. I got back into the car, still fuming; the driver and other passengers started telling me that it was good I spoke out, that that warden was stupid, that the people on the other queue were all heartless, that the contractors handling the roads should be jailed and horse-whipped, that Gov. Amaechi should really ask himself some philosophical questions, and on and on. But i was too angry to say anything anymore; why didn't any of them react until I spoke up??

I got to work 23 minutes later and made myself a cup of coffee. Shit-assed city can make a body go nuts.