Labans's Posts
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 Jokes Etc › Re: A Woman In Short Skirt by Labans(op): 11:02am On Aug 01, 2007 |
jayjaylux:@ jayjaylux, Don't you think that the Guy is too smart for Her?  |
| Jokes Etc › Re: The Hitman by Labans(op): 3:03pm On Jul 24, 2007 |
Or wat do you think? |
| Poems For Review › Re: The Strength Of A Man by Labans(m): 11:10am On Jul 18, 2007 |
you're the best! |
| Jokes Etc › Re: The Hitman by Labans(op): 12:17pm On Jul 11, 2007 |
Am sure the hitman wanted a bit of the action |
| Jokes Etc › Plan 'b' by Labans(op): 4:24pm On Jun 13, 2007 |
Plan 'B' Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive". |
| Jokes Etc › The Hitman by Labans(op): 3:53pm On Jun 13, 2007 |
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them. "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her, He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here, " |
| Jokes Etc › A Man And A Woman by Labans(op): 3:19pm On Jun 13, 2007 |
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this, When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?" |
| Jokes Etc › Women Who Read by Labans(op): 2:47pm On Jun 13, 2007 |
Women who read A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"  "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. |
| Jokes Etc › A Woman In Short Skirt by Labans(op): 2:43pm On Jun 13, 2007 |
A woman in short Skirt A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!" The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?" The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?" The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!" The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?" The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!" |
| Jokes Etc › What Makes 100%? by Labans(op): 12:56pm On Jun 13, 2007 |
What makes 100%? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:- What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100% How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question. If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H A R D W O R K 8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But: A T T I T U D E 1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And: B U L L S H I T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103% AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you. A S S K I S S I N G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top. |
| Jokes Etc › The Rewards Of A Healthy Lifestyle by Labans(op): 12:47pm On Jun 13, 2007 |
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or, " Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!" |
| Jokes Etc › Re: [i]why It's Important To Understand English[/i] by Labans(op): 4:05pm On Jun 12, 2007 |
iice:@ IICE Thank you so much 4 ur support, its nice to be back again! |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Three Women Going To Heaven by Labans(op): 1:16pm On Jun 12, 2007 |
A big shout out to all of you, that has contributed to this joke |
| Jokes Etc › It's Your First Time by Labans(op): 12:19pm On Jun 12, 2007 |
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. |
| Jokes Etc › Political Science For Dummies by Labans(op): 5:35pm On Jun 11, 2007 |
Political Science for Dummies DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. |
| Jokes Etc › [i]why It's Important To Understand English[/i] by Labans(op): 5:16pm On Jun 11, 2007 |
Why it's important to understand English I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!" |
| Jokes Etc › The Secret To A Long And Happy Marriage by Labans(op): 4:39pm On Jun 11, 2007 |
The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage. A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment, we have lived happily every after." |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Three Women Going To Heaven by Labans(op): 1:41pm On May 17, 2007 |
moela: akx:@ Akx and Moela, Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!! You Guys are indeed simply wonderful. |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Customer Service by Labans(op): 7:52pm On May 15, 2007 |
desorlah:@ desorlah Thank you so much! You're the only one that understand the true meaning of the joke. |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Three Women Going To Heaven by Labans(op): 7:43pm On May 15, 2007 |
Bolarge:@ Bolarge, Thanks for ur encouragement! I really do appreciate. |
| Jokes Etc › Three Women Going To Heaven by Labans(op): 4:54pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on , very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" |
| Jokes Etc › Dickhead by Labans(op): 4:51pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
A couple had twin sons from about one year old. The first one could talk. The second one couldn't. They tryed everthing to make the little guy talk, but didn't succeed. In an act of desperation the father desided to take the child to Lourdes. Once they got there, he immersed the child in the holy water. The kid crawled sneezing out of the water and yelled: DICKHEAD ! The father pushed the kid again in the water and again, the kid yelled: DICKHEAD, when it crawled out. Excited the father called his wife to tell her the good news, that the child had yelled that he was a dickhead. "that's because that's what you are" said the mother. "You took the wrong child !!!!" |
| Jokes Etc › Three Black Men by Labans(op): 4:46pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black joysticks, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society". After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." |
| Jokes Etc › A Wife Making Breakfast by Labans(op): 4:34pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful, CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!? Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful, CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!" His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving." |
| Jokes Etc › Why A Beer Is Better Than A Woman by Labans(op): 4:30pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
Why a beer is better than a woman You can enjoy a beer all month long Beer stains wash out You don't have to wine and dine a beer Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football When your beer goes flat, you toss it out Beer never changes its mind A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer Beer is never late Hangovers go away Beer labels come off without a fight Beer never has a headache When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer If you pour a beer right, you always get good head You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty A beer always goes down easy You can share a beer with your friends You always know when you are the first one to pop a beer Beer is always wet Beer doesn't demand quality You can have a beer in public A beer doesn't care when you come A frigid beer is a good beer You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony |
| Jokes Etc › The Rules Of Bedroom Golf by Labans(op): 4:27pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match |
| Jokes Etc › Having An Affair by Labans(op): 4:25pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold." |
| Jokes Etc › The Seven Dwarfs by Labans(op): 4:16pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack. "Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background the dwarfs started giggling. Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them. Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare. Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!" |
| Jokes Etc › A Woman And A Baby by Labans(op): 4:12pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well! , strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." |
| Jokes Etc › The Mailman by Labans(op): 4:09pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." |
| Jokes Etc › Talking Clock by Labans(op): 4:06pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed. "What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three o'clock in the morning!" |
| Jokes Etc › Cowboy Boots by Labans(op): 4:02pm On Apr 19, 2007 |
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!" To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat." |
